[Crit!? In the second section, there's a lot of "-ly"s which creates a very nice rhythm. The only problem is merely dimly falling idk but I keep getting /stuck/ on that phrase and it sort of...doesn't feel right. Unless that was your intention all along.]
I hate how you can make a hundred and one cliches freaking /sweet/.
I also laughed that this fic occurs after the rain...but that may be because I just finished one that ended with the rain XD [..in "I"s and "you"s too >_> your bad influence!]
this is why you shouldn't let me write at three in the morning! :D
and thank you :D
hrm...you think so? maybe "just dimly falling" would work better, I guess. asgajgal I am not nearly as discreet as you think I am.
it makes me happy that you think so~ <3 asgj;aa I love cliches. it feels like I'm just remixing the same fic over and over and over again whenever i write something now though lol.
It rained the day I started writing it *laugh* (I was outside taking photos of my doll at the time lol) also, only half of that is my influence! I can't write in 1pov, apparently it starts sounding really valley-girl-ish LOL.
Hey, I'm one of your editors. I really enjoyed reading.
And onto the edits...
1. The parentheses here seem to add less to the feel of the story in this sentence. everywhere else, it feels like you're getting a sneak peak into the mind of the character.
The rain's stopped already, and the air is full of the smells of (damp grass and wet asphalt) spring.
2. I love this paragraph. Just thought i'd mention that.
Sun sets. Slowly, liquidly, gradually. You don't notice the light going--so slowly going--until it's nearly gone, merely dimly falling across the leaves of the trees that are light green with new, young growth.
3. There may be one too many 'and's here. I think it flows well, but it it almost makes my head spin. maybe just make the second sentence a new paragraph.
(One day, he told you about his plans and hopes and dreams to finally leave this place. You heard him out and nodded and agreed and smiled at and with him and didn't really listen.That's all i've got. I enjoyed reading it immensely, and i think you did
( ... )
merely dimly falling to merely falling dimly works really, really well >_< I really love the new rhythm it creates, without destroying the lovely "-ly"ness of that line.
Comments 7
Haha, that was very...cute XD
[Crit!?
In the second section, there's a lot of "-ly"s which creates a very nice rhythm. The only problem is merely dimly falling idk but I keep getting /stuck/ on that phrase and it sort of...doesn't feel right. Unless that was your intention all along.]
I hate how you can make a hundred and one cliches freaking /sweet/.
I also laughed that this fic occurs after the rain...but that may be because I just finished one that ended with the rain XD [..in "I"s and "you"s too >_> your bad influence!]
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and thank you :D
hrm...you think so? maybe "just dimly falling" would work better, I guess. asgajgal I am not nearly as discreet as you think I am.
it makes me happy that you think so~ <3 asgj;aa I love cliches. it feels like I'm just remixing the same fic over and over and over again whenever i write something now though lol.
It rained the day I started writing it *laugh* (I was outside taking photos of my doll at the time lol) also, only half of that is my influence! I can't write in 1pov, apparently it starts sounding really valley-girl-ish LOL.
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And onto the edits...
1. The parentheses here seem to add less to the feel of the story in this sentence. everywhere else, it feels like you're getting a sneak peak into the mind of the character.
The rain's stopped already, and the air is full of the smells of (damp grass and wet asphalt) spring.
2. I love this paragraph. Just thought i'd mention that.
Sun sets. Slowly, liquidly, gradually. You don't notice the light going--so slowly going--until it's nearly gone, merely dimly falling across the leaves of the trees that are light green with new, young growth.
3. There may be one too many 'and's here. I think it flows well, but it it almost makes my head spin. maybe just make the second sentence a new paragraph.
(One day, he told you about his plans and hopes and dreams to finally leave this place. You heard him out and nodded and agreed and smiled at and with him and didn't really listen.That's all i've got. I enjoyed reading it immensely, and i think you did ( ... )
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merely dimly falling to merely falling dimly works really, really well >_< I really love the new rhythm it creates, without destroying the lovely "-ly"ness of that line.
Darn, why didn't I think of that? XD
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