unshielded and spoonless
On Monday, barodar was asking me aka gently reminding me Why were all my shields down?
I'm just that burned out, lately.
I wrote that over an hour ago, and I just find that I don't really want to write more. Yes, there are a lot of specific details of what has been hard -- quantifiably hard, not in-my-head hard, things that damage and burden and tear.
But the point is, I'm tapped out. And I've learned, on the way down, to keep my shields up, and I tried -- I did my best -- but everyone just NEEDS something, and even telling them No, I Cannot takes up a bit of energy (for me) and then apparently when I come out the bottom of that, I can't keep the shields up. My default state is to let everything in and hurt. I don't have anything left to fight it with. I am getting through on autopilot; I am not being self-destructive, but I'm not being productive. I am not sabotaging relationships, but I am not maintaining them either. I am showing up to my job, but I'm not really doing it, either. I'm doing my "best" except right now, "best" is "barely anything" to get by.
I just want everything to stop. And NO, I DO NOT WANT more people. I want less people. I have had ZERO introvert recharge time, I need space to myself right now. I do not want help or comfort or social or expectations that I will reply to anything. I still want to *do* things, because doing things will overall help me feel better, so I will still ... be places. But please do not offer me things right now; I will likely say no (this includes most "help"). And while I am somewhat OK with people asking for support (sometimes that makes me feel better; sometimes I can help and not be drained)... if I cannot, please do not be surprised. If I owe you something, anything, since April... I am sorry. There are many of you waiting.
This is not going to get better in the next month. Part of why August was deliberately unscheduled was to leave space for this. It is worse than I had planned for, and so this is me, attempting to correct course, but I will probably make mistakes and fail, because anything else just isn't possible right now.
We'll see what is.
I'm just that burned out, lately.
I wrote that over an hour ago, and I just find that I don't really want to write more. Yes, there are a lot of specific details of what has been hard -- quantifiably hard, not in-my-head hard, things that damage and burden and tear.
But the point is, I'm tapped out. And I've learned, on the way down, to keep my shields up, and I tried -- I did my best -- but everyone just NEEDS something, and even telling them No, I Cannot takes up a bit of energy (for me) and then apparently when I come out the bottom of that, I can't keep the shields up. My default state is to let everything in and hurt. I don't have anything left to fight it with. I am getting through on autopilot; I am not being self-destructive, but I'm not being productive. I am not sabotaging relationships, but I am not maintaining them either. I am showing up to my job, but I'm not really doing it, either. I'm doing my "best" except right now, "best" is "barely anything" to get by.
I just want everything to stop. And NO, I DO NOT WANT more people. I want less people. I have had ZERO introvert recharge time, I need space to myself right now. I do not want help or comfort or social or expectations that I will reply to anything. I still want to *do* things, because doing things will overall help me feel better, so I will still ... be places. But please do not offer me things right now; I will likely say no (this includes most "help"). And while I am somewhat OK with people asking for support (sometimes that makes me feel better; sometimes I can help and not be drained)... if I cannot, please do not be surprised. If I owe you something, anything, since April... I am sorry. There are many of you waiting.
This is not going to get better in the next month. Part of why August was deliberately unscheduled was to leave space for this. It is worse than I had planned for, and so this is me, attempting to correct course, but I will probably make mistakes and fail, because anything else just isn't possible right now.
We'll see what is.