I don't have any constructive criticism at the moment. Maybe if I read it again later, I could think of something :)
But I enjoyed it. :)
This is my favorite part:
I want you
The cigarette smoke burns in my eyes and I blink a few times, observing my surroundings in the dim light of the streetlamp outside my window.
I want you so bad
God, I love that song. I sit up on the sofa and reach for my cigarettes, lighting another one. The last one for tonight, I tell that myself, pretending that it matters. People must've been much happier, back when no one knew that cigarettes cause lung cancer and when they were selling Coca Cola with cocaine in it.
I adore the last line, the tone is just right. And I have to agree with jillie20 on the "God, I love that song," paragraph. It brings the character voice in rather nicely from the lyrics and innitial setting.
The "film director" bit is exactly how I think things through before writing. I've never been able to explain to properly, and then along comes your brilliant description. Nicely done, particularly the You're sitting, I'm standing beside you, just like that yes, no, yes, a little closer.
(Also, I'm new to your LJ - blame the fame of your Cloesr vid - which, *squee* - but I like what I've seen of your work so far.)
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But I enjoyed it. :)
This is my favorite part:
I want you
The cigarette smoke burns in my eyes and I blink a few times, observing my surroundings in the dim light of the streetlamp outside my window.
I want you so bad
God, I love that song. I sit up on the sofa and reach for my cigarettes, lighting another one. The last one for tonight, I tell that myself, pretending that it matters. People must've been much happier, back when no one knew that cigarettes cause lung cancer and when they were selling Coca Cola with cocaine in it.
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The "film director" bit is exactly how I think things through before writing. I've never been able to explain to properly, and then along comes your brilliant description. Nicely done, particularly the You're sitting, I'm standing beside you, just like that yes, no, yes, a little closer.
(Also, I'm new to your LJ - blame the fame of your Cloesr vid - which, *squee* - but I like what I've seen of your work so far.)
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