Silver Lining, part 1
Title: Silver Lining
Spoilers: Seasons 1-5, Law & Order: CI
Summary: There has to be an upside to this mess.
Pairing: J/A, like that's a bloody shock....
Rating: Parts 1-5, PG-13. Part 6, NC-17
Here it is folks, the one I've been talking about. Thanks to h_bomb1013 for finishing the beta and burning out her brain on it. Oh, and for putting up with the fact that I can't seem to just toss them in bed.
She wasn’t sure she was ready to see him. The five years she’d worked with him had been the best in her career on both a personal and professional level. Not seeing him had been hard.
Their new CO was…ok. He at least was holding back, getting to know the team, before making any big moves. But going to work had lost some of its light.
He was already there when she came in. He’d given her directions to a place close to her apartment, which had surprised her some. Maybe he wasn’t ready for cop joints. The small establishment was mostly empty on a Tuesday night, but he was still sitting at the bar rather than a table. And he was in a suit and tie, which was achingly familiar. He stood to greet her, giving her a very brief hug.
“Awful spiffy, Captain. Thought becoming a civilian meant you could shed the ties once and for all.”
He sat back down with a grunt. “Job interview.”
She took the stool beside him. “Job? Yeah, I guess I hadn’t thought about that.” She chuckled. “Heaven help whoever hires you. You’ll take the place over in a year.”
He grinned into his drink and acknowledged the compliment with a nod. “Here’s hoping.”
She asked after his family, and he after hers. She made him promise to give her father a call. He asked a little about work, but neither of them seemed to want to talk about that much. He did laugh at her story of one of Goren’s famous interrogations, which she found oddly comforting.
All the polite rituals completed they fell into a comfortable silence, while they finished their drinks. When the bartender came over to offer them refills, he waved the man off. She turned to him with a bemused smile.
“What’s up, Captain?”
Very softly he said, “Jimmy.”
“Of course.” She laughed lightly. “That’s going to take a little getting used to.”
He nodded slowly, staring into his empty glass. She could tell he was building himself up to something so she let him sit. When he finally turned to her, she could see there was a struggle going on inside him.
“What’s up?” she asked again. She added gently, “Jimmy.” She could swear he flinched in response.
He started unevenly. “There’s something I want to say to you. Something I’ve wanted you to know for a while. A long while. I don’t want you to think you have to do anything about it. I just-“
She put a hand up. “I get it. You have something to say. Maybe it would be easier if you just said it.”
He took a deep breath and shot her an almost grateful smile. “Leaving the job did one thing I’m finding it hard to be sad about. It means I’m not your CO anymore.”
She blinked in surprise, her lips pursing. She had trouble keeping the hurt from her voice. “You’re *not* sad about that?”
He turned to face her and took one of her hands between his. “Damn, Alex, I’m sorry. I’m really not doing this well. Not being your CO means we aren’t in the same chain of command. It means certain rules don’t apply anymore.”
She shook her head, confused, and stared at his large hands holding her much smaller one. As she stared, he began to rub his thumb across her knuckles. Each gentle stroke brought his meaning closer to the front of her mind. She looked up at him in shock.
He was smiling, looking every inch the shy school boy. She couldn’t imagine what her expression said. As she stared at him his smile faded.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I know this is unwelcome. I meant it when I said you don’t have to do anything about this-“
“No, see…” She broke off, uncertain what else she could say. “Cap-Jimmy, you don’t have to apologize. I’m flattered. I’m…” She shrugged but didn’t pull away.
“That’s something anyway,” he said sourly.
“Now I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sure there is something I should say here that’s going to make this make sense, but I’m…well, I’m a little floored.” She met his eyes. “I had no idea.”
“What could I have said? There are rules for a reason. It would have put us both in an impossible position.”
She snorted softly. “And then there’s the little detail of your wife?” She watched his expression cloud and shook her head. “Sorry.”
“No. That’s fair.” He turned her hand over in his and traced the lines on her palm. “Angie and I have been married a long time. We are very good friends and she’s an amazing mother. But we haven’t been more than that to each other in a while. And that’s not a one sided thing. We’ve talked a lot about it.”
She closed her eyes and concentrated for a minute on his fingers as he finished his examination of her palm and turned his attention to the back of her hand and fingers. Thinking about much else would have been too overwhelming. When she opened her eyes he was watching her closely. She realized how they were sitting and blushed.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say I haven’t offended you. That you don’t hate me.”
“That’s easy. You haven’t. I don’t.” She took a deep breath and looked him over very deliberately. “I just don’t know what else to say.”
He leaned over her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Say you’ll think about it.”
“Think about it? I don’t think I’ll be able to think about anything else.” She rolled her eyes. “Especially if you keep doing things like that.”
He looked up at her over her knuckles. His grin was positively wolfish. “Then I should stop?” He kissed her hand again. “Or shouldn’t I?”
She chose to answer him seriously. “I don’t know, Jimmy. I really don’t.”
He sat back up with a bit of a start. “That’s more than I could have hoped for, right there.”
She thought about that and nodded. “I can’t say…God, Jimmy.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t even know what you are asking.”
“I’ve waited so long, Alex, that I’m not sure either.” He kissed her hand again, lingering this time. “What you’ve already given me is enough.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” she said.
“Tell me the truth, had it ever occurred to you? Were you ever attracted to me?” He spoke gently, wanting it clear there was no wrong answer.
For the first time since he’d taken it, she wanted her hand back. She would have liked a little distance before she answered this question. But she didn’t want to upset him by pulling away. Instead she took a few deep breaths before answering.
“I’m a trained observer. You’d be incredibly disappointed in me if I said I never noticed that you’ve stayed in remarkable shape for a man your age. Or that somehow those amazing blue eyes had escaped my attention.” She took another deep breath. “Or that I never noticed what a good man you are.” She met his eyes. “It’s occurred to me.”
His shoulders heaved in a visible sigh of relief that made her smile. He really was like a school boy, living and dying on her every reaction. Only he wasn’t a school boy. He was a grown man. A grown man with a complicated life. A grown man with a complicated life who was asking something of her. And before she could answer him, she needed to know what that was.
“I still don’t know what to tell you. I’m flattered. And…intrigued, I’ll admit. But-“
“But?” He sighed. “Alex, would it help if I said that I’m not looking for a one night stand. I’ve never been a ‘casual’ person.” He looked at the floor. “But I’d take that, if that’s what you wanted.”
Now she did pull her hand back. “Are you asking me to be your…what? Your mistress?”
He spoke softly, not looking at her. “I’m asking you to share a part of yourself with me. A part of yourself I’ve been honored to see glimpses of. In whatever way you feel comfortable.” He took a breath. “But unfortunately, there will be certain things I can not give you.”
She crossed her arms and hugged herself tightly. Her mind was reeling. That she was even considering this was making her stomach hurt. But it made her stomach hurt more when she tried to reject it.
She missed him that was all. She missed working with him and she was trying to find a way to get some of that back. She respected him immensely and was flattered that he was attracted to her. That made sense.
What didn’t make sense was the way she was looking at him. He was still looking at the floor, waiting for her response, giving her time to think. She was looking at the curve of his neck. She was looking at his arms, gauging what they would look like bare.
“Jimmy?” He looked up at her, his expression guarded. “Would you do something for me?”
He cocked his head. “Of course.”
She pursed her lips. “Kiss me?”
“Alex, are you sure?” He clearly fought to keep the hope from his voice.
“Sure? Not at even remotely. No matter what this is a huge step.” She took hold of his tie and tugged. “But it should answer a few basic questions.” As he slid off the barstool she fingered the pale periwinkle silk. “I always loved this on you. Does wonders for your eyes.”
His voice dripped with humor. “Glad I chose it this morning then.”
She cocked her head. ‘”*You* picked it?”
He chuckled. “I’m fifty five. I do dress myself.” He ran a finger along her jaw, sending shivers down her spine. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “No. Angie did not pick this out. I did. I wanted to look my best. For you.”
Swallowing hard, she pulled him closer and set her knees apart so he could get right up to her. She let him tip her head up with his finger, closing her eyes in anticipation.
“Ready?” he asked, so close she could feel his breath on her lips.
“Now is not the time to hesitate,” she answered wryly.
“Right.” He kissed her.
His lips were much softer than she’d expected. She was so used to thinking of him as rugged and in command that the incredible tenderness in his kiss surprised her. He was holding back, leaving his arms hanging at his side, and not pulling her deeper into the kiss. She pulled harder on his tie, sitting up straighter at the same time which had the effect of pressing her body against his.
She opened her mouth just enough to give him an invitation for more. He put his arms around her and suddenly she felt very small. And safe. Then he deepened the kiss. His lips pressed against hers more firmly and his tongue snaked out, brushing her lips.
She moved forward on the stool, closing the remaining distance between them. His thighs were rock hard between hers. Keeping a tight grip on his tie, she brought her other hand up and rested it on the back of his neck. He tasted of his drink, and of a cigarette he must have smoked before she arrived. The little hint of his nervousness touched her.
At the other end of the bar, the bartender loudly set a tray of glassware on the bar, startling them both. They pulled out of the kiss, but he kept his arms around her.
She laughed, embarrassed at her reaction. “So, was that everything you’d imagined?”
“Alex.” His voice was low and rough, full of emotion. “That was more than I ever could have imagined. I’ll carry that with me for a very long time. Thank you.”
She dropped her head to his chest, overwhelmed. When she answered, it was with the same flip humor she’s used to keep her distance through the whole encounter. “You’re a pretty good kisser, for someone who’s kissed only one person for over 25 years.”
He pulled away slowly and returned to his stool. “Not only the one, Alex.”
She nodded slowly. “You said it’s been a while. How long is a while?”
He looked at his empty glass on the bar, brow furrowed. “At least seven years. Maybe a little longer.” He looked back at her. “That’s a long time to go without…’
“It is, yeah.”
“But there’s been no one for at least three years.” He glanced away for the last two words.
She swallowed hard. “Because of me?” Her voice rose to a horrifying squeak. He locked his eyes on the glass and nodded. “Damn.” She turned and looked at her own glass for a minute before flagging the bartender and ordering them both refills. Neither of them spoke until the drinks were served and had been mostly finished. Finally she turned to him. “I’m sorry. That I never saw that.”
“You weren’t meant to.”
“Jimmy, would you look at me?” He turned and gave her his complete attention which knocked the wind out of her a bit. “You know me, well, you know me a lot better than I do you. It’s the nature of the relationship.” When he nodded, she went on. “I…If I were going to…to…if we…” She swallowed and started over. “I’m not a casual person either.”
“I know.”
She put her hand on his. “I won’t say I’m not interested. Obviously that’s not true, given my reaction a minute ago.” She laughed nervously and was rewarded with a small grin from him. “But I also can’t see…just jumping…” She stopped and shrugged.
He turned his hand over and caught hers. He kissed her knuckles again, lingering over her hand for a long time; his breath warm on her skin. Finally he looked up at her. His voice held an odd formality.
“Alex, would it be acceptable if, one day, I telephoned you and invited you to accompany me for dinner?”
Something in his tone, in the expression on his face, kept her from making a joke. Instead she smiled and nodded. “I’d like that, Jimmy. I’d like that very much.”
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Spoilers: Seasons 1-5, Law & Order: CI
Summary: There has to be an upside to this mess.
Pairing: J/A, like that's a bloody shock....
Rating: Parts 1-5, PG-13. Part 6, NC-17
Here it is folks, the one I've been talking about. Thanks to h_bomb1013 for finishing the beta and burning out her brain on it. Oh, and for putting up with the fact that I can't seem to just toss them in bed.
She wasn’t sure she was ready to see him. The five years she’d worked with him had been the best in her career on both a personal and professional level. Not seeing him had been hard.
Their new CO was…ok. He at least was holding back, getting to know the team, before making any big moves. But going to work had lost some of its light.
He was already there when she came in. He’d given her directions to a place close to her apartment, which had surprised her some. Maybe he wasn’t ready for cop joints. The small establishment was mostly empty on a Tuesday night, but he was still sitting at the bar rather than a table. And he was in a suit and tie, which was achingly familiar. He stood to greet her, giving her a very brief hug.
“Awful spiffy, Captain. Thought becoming a civilian meant you could shed the ties once and for all.”
He sat back down with a grunt. “Job interview.”
She took the stool beside him. “Job? Yeah, I guess I hadn’t thought about that.” She chuckled. “Heaven help whoever hires you. You’ll take the place over in a year.”
He grinned into his drink and acknowledged the compliment with a nod. “Here’s hoping.”
She asked after his family, and he after hers. She made him promise to give her father a call. He asked a little about work, but neither of them seemed to want to talk about that much. He did laugh at her story of one of Goren’s famous interrogations, which she found oddly comforting.
All the polite rituals completed they fell into a comfortable silence, while they finished their drinks. When the bartender came over to offer them refills, he waved the man off. She turned to him with a bemused smile.
“What’s up, Captain?”
Very softly he said, “Jimmy.”
“Of course.” She laughed lightly. “That’s going to take a little getting used to.”
He nodded slowly, staring into his empty glass. She could tell he was building himself up to something so she let him sit. When he finally turned to her, she could see there was a struggle going on inside him.
“What’s up?” she asked again. She added gently, “Jimmy.” She could swear he flinched in response.
He started unevenly. “There’s something I want to say to you. Something I’ve wanted you to know for a while. A long while. I don’t want you to think you have to do anything about it. I just-“
She put a hand up. “I get it. You have something to say. Maybe it would be easier if you just said it.”
He took a deep breath and shot her an almost grateful smile. “Leaving the job did one thing I’m finding it hard to be sad about. It means I’m not your CO anymore.”
She blinked in surprise, her lips pursing. She had trouble keeping the hurt from her voice. “You’re *not* sad about that?”
He turned to face her and took one of her hands between his. “Damn, Alex, I’m sorry. I’m really not doing this well. Not being your CO means we aren’t in the same chain of command. It means certain rules don’t apply anymore.”
She shook her head, confused, and stared at his large hands holding her much smaller one. As she stared, he began to rub his thumb across her knuckles. Each gentle stroke brought his meaning closer to the front of her mind. She looked up at him in shock.
He was smiling, looking every inch the shy school boy. She couldn’t imagine what her expression said. As she stared at him his smile faded.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I know this is unwelcome. I meant it when I said you don’t have to do anything about this-“
“No, see…” She broke off, uncertain what else she could say. “Cap-Jimmy, you don’t have to apologize. I’m flattered. I’m…” She shrugged but didn’t pull away.
“That’s something anyway,” he said sourly.
“Now I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sure there is something I should say here that’s going to make this make sense, but I’m…well, I’m a little floored.” She met his eyes. “I had no idea.”
“What could I have said? There are rules for a reason. It would have put us both in an impossible position.”
She snorted softly. “And then there’s the little detail of your wife?” She watched his expression cloud and shook her head. “Sorry.”
“No. That’s fair.” He turned her hand over in his and traced the lines on her palm. “Angie and I have been married a long time. We are very good friends and she’s an amazing mother. But we haven’t been more than that to each other in a while. And that’s not a one sided thing. We’ve talked a lot about it.”
She closed her eyes and concentrated for a minute on his fingers as he finished his examination of her palm and turned his attention to the back of her hand and fingers. Thinking about much else would have been too overwhelming. When she opened her eyes he was watching her closely. She realized how they were sitting and blushed.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say I haven’t offended you. That you don’t hate me.”
“That’s easy. You haven’t. I don’t.” She took a deep breath and looked him over very deliberately. “I just don’t know what else to say.”
He leaned over her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Say you’ll think about it.”
“Think about it? I don’t think I’ll be able to think about anything else.” She rolled her eyes. “Especially if you keep doing things like that.”
He looked up at her over her knuckles. His grin was positively wolfish. “Then I should stop?” He kissed her hand again. “Or shouldn’t I?”
She chose to answer him seriously. “I don’t know, Jimmy. I really don’t.”
He sat back up with a bit of a start. “That’s more than I could have hoped for, right there.”
She thought about that and nodded. “I can’t say…God, Jimmy.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t even know what you are asking.”
“I’ve waited so long, Alex, that I’m not sure either.” He kissed her hand again, lingering this time. “What you’ve already given me is enough.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” she said.
“Tell me the truth, had it ever occurred to you? Were you ever attracted to me?” He spoke gently, wanting it clear there was no wrong answer.
For the first time since he’d taken it, she wanted her hand back. She would have liked a little distance before she answered this question. But she didn’t want to upset him by pulling away. Instead she took a few deep breaths before answering.
“I’m a trained observer. You’d be incredibly disappointed in me if I said I never noticed that you’ve stayed in remarkable shape for a man your age. Or that somehow those amazing blue eyes had escaped my attention.” She took another deep breath. “Or that I never noticed what a good man you are.” She met his eyes. “It’s occurred to me.”
His shoulders heaved in a visible sigh of relief that made her smile. He really was like a school boy, living and dying on her every reaction. Only he wasn’t a school boy. He was a grown man. A grown man with a complicated life. A grown man with a complicated life who was asking something of her. And before she could answer him, she needed to know what that was.
“I still don’t know what to tell you. I’m flattered. And…intrigued, I’ll admit. But-“
“But?” He sighed. “Alex, would it help if I said that I’m not looking for a one night stand. I’ve never been a ‘casual’ person.” He looked at the floor. “But I’d take that, if that’s what you wanted.”
Now she did pull her hand back. “Are you asking me to be your…what? Your mistress?”
He spoke softly, not looking at her. “I’m asking you to share a part of yourself with me. A part of yourself I’ve been honored to see glimpses of. In whatever way you feel comfortable.” He took a breath. “But unfortunately, there will be certain things I can not give you.”
She crossed her arms and hugged herself tightly. Her mind was reeling. That she was even considering this was making her stomach hurt. But it made her stomach hurt more when she tried to reject it.
She missed him that was all. She missed working with him and she was trying to find a way to get some of that back. She respected him immensely and was flattered that he was attracted to her. That made sense.
What didn’t make sense was the way she was looking at him. He was still looking at the floor, waiting for her response, giving her time to think. She was looking at the curve of his neck. She was looking at his arms, gauging what they would look like bare.
“Jimmy?” He looked up at her, his expression guarded. “Would you do something for me?”
He cocked his head. “Of course.”
She pursed her lips. “Kiss me?”
“Alex, are you sure?” He clearly fought to keep the hope from his voice.
“Sure? Not at even remotely. No matter what this is a huge step.” She took hold of his tie and tugged. “But it should answer a few basic questions.” As he slid off the barstool she fingered the pale periwinkle silk. “I always loved this on you. Does wonders for your eyes.”
His voice dripped with humor. “Glad I chose it this morning then.”
She cocked her head. ‘”*You* picked it?”
He chuckled. “I’m fifty five. I do dress myself.” He ran a finger along her jaw, sending shivers down her spine. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “No. Angie did not pick this out. I did. I wanted to look my best. For you.”
Swallowing hard, she pulled him closer and set her knees apart so he could get right up to her. She let him tip her head up with his finger, closing her eyes in anticipation.
“Ready?” he asked, so close she could feel his breath on her lips.
“Now is not the time to hesitate,” she answered wryly.
“Right.” He kissed her.
His lips were much softer than she’d expected. She was so used to thinking of him as rugged and in command that the incredible tenderness in his kiss surprised her. He was holding back, leaving his arms hanging at his side, and not pulling her deeper into the kiss. She pulled harder on his tie, sitting up straighter at the same time which had the effect of pressing her body against his.
She opened her mouth just enough to give him an invitation for more. He put his arms around her and suddenly she felt very small. And safe. Then he deepened the kiss. His lips pressed against hers more firmly and his tongue snaked out, brushing her lips.
She moved forward on the stool, closing the remaining distance between them. His thighs were rock hard between hers. Keeping a tight grip on his tie, she brought her other hand up and rested it on the back of his neck. He tasted of his drink, and of a cigarette he must have smoked before she arrived. The little hint of his nervousness touched her.
At the other end of the bar, the bartender loudly set a tray of glassware on the bar, startling them both. They pulled out of the kiss, but he kept his arms around her.
She laughed, embarrassed at her reaction. “So, was that everything you’d imagined?”
“Alex.” His voice was low and rough, full of emotion. “That was more than I ever could have imagined. I’ll carry that with me for a very long time. Thank you.”
She dropped her head to his chest, overwhelmed. When she answered, it was with the same flip humor she’s used to keep her distance through the whole encounter. “You’re a pretty good kisser, for someone who’s kissed only one person for over 25 years.”
He pulled away slowly and returned to his stool. “Not only the one, Alex.”
She nodded slowly. “You said it’s been a while. How long is a while?”
He looked at his empty glass on the bar, brow furrowed. “At least seven years. Maybe a little longer.” He looked back at her. “That’s a long time to go without…’
“It is, yeah.”
“But there’s been no one for at least three years.” He glanced away for the last two words.
She swallowed hard. “Because of me?” Her voice rose to a horrifying squeak. He locked his eyes on the glass and nodded. “Damn.” She turned and looked at her own glass for a minute before flagging the bartender and ordering them both refills. Neither of them spoke until the drinks were served and had been mostly finished. Finally she turned to him. “I’m sorry. That I never saw that.”
“You weren’t meant to.”
“Jimmy, would you look at me?” He turned and gave her his complete attention which knocked the wind out of her a bit. “You know me, well, you know me a lot better than I do you. It’s the nature of the relationship.” When he nodded, she went on. “I…If I were going to…to…if we…” She swallowed and started over. “I’m not a casual person either.”
“I know.”
She put her hand on his. “I won’t say I’m not interested. Obviously that’s not true, given my reaction a minute ago.” She laughed nervously and was rewarded with a small grin from him. “But I also can’t see…just jumping…” She stopped and shrugged.
He turned his hand over and caught hers. He kissed her knuckles again, lingering over her hand for a long time; his breath warm on her skin. Finally he looked up at her. His voice held an odd formality.
“Alex, would it be acceptable if, one day, I telephoned you and invited you to accompany me for dinner?”
Something in his tone, in the expression on his face, kept her from making a joke. Instead she smiled and nodded. “I’d like that, Jimmy. I’d like that very much.”
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6