Karkat meanders downstairs, 45 hours into his latest sleepless binge, and visually interrogates the announcements, checking on his own. When he sees this one he gets a pen and paper from the bar and occupies himself for a few minutes. Before long a response is pinned below.
DEAR MORON
THIS SHITHOLE NEEDS A HEREDITARY ARISTOCRACY LIKE IT NEEDS A PUBLIC SYPHILIS FOUNTAIN. PLEASE ROLL YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT UP AROUND A HATCHET AND JAM IT UP YOUR DISEASED SEEDFLAP. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE IN YOUR MISERABLE EMPTY HEAD HOW MUCH I WOULD LOVE TO TUNE UP ON A SHITTY CLOWN WITH DELUSIONS OF NOBILITY RIGHT NOW, SO JUST PRESS YOUR GODDAMN LUCK, BULGEBITER. I HAVE ABOUT FIVE THOUSAND SICKLES AND A FLAMING HOT COLUMN OF RAGE JUST WAITING TO BE VIGOROUSLY RAMMED DOWN SOME LUCKLESS GLOBESACK'S PRETENSION CHUTE.
After watching this, the Fool goes over and reads the note.
He gets his won sheet of paper and in that copperplate handwriting write his response.
Dear Sir,
Firstly, it is the Fool not "moron" or Alexander if you must. Please learn how to properly write a letter, including its salutations, punctuation and capitalization. It makes you look like an idiot. I wouldn't even dare give you the application of a fool.
Secondly, your language is highly inappropriate and childish. Why should I bother to listen to a child? If you cannot structure your arguments appropriately then don't bother.
Thirdly, have you ever considered a career in diplomacy?
Finally, I have no interest in having sex with an ignoramus such as yourself.
Sincerely
The Fool.
PS. If you wish to have a civil conversation you could always speak to me face to face.
He tacks the response under Karkat's response to his and then ambles back to his seat, where he waits to see what happens.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I WANT TO HAVE A CIVIL CONVERSATION?
PLEASE LEARN NOT TO BE SUCH A BRAINLESS CONDESCENDING BASICALLY AWFUL MOBILE HEAP OF REFUSE.
IF YOU ATTEMPT TO ANY KIND OF ILL-ADVISED TYRANNICAL BULLSHIT WITH ME YOU WILL RAPIDLY FIND YOURSELF MINUS WHATEVER MISSHAPEN LIMBS YOU SHAMBLE AROUND ON, THAT IS THE ENTIRETY OF MY ARGUMENT. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF FUCKING KINGS AND YOU AREN'T EVEN THIRTY STORIES TALL.
Also, you fail to see the point of me declaring myself king of Milliways. Clearly you don't have the mind to harbor such intelligent thoughts, being so interested in the base and dull and surface of what you see.
The king would love to. Alas he is but a beggar king and has no coin. However he has proved quite adapt at catching frogs and would try his hand at geckos if he knew what they were.
Well that's rude. Though he's been watching the board so he does see who it is.
If a king cannot keep his kingdom then he doesn't deserve to be king. If anyone wishes to take the kingdom away from a Fool then they're probably a fool themselves.
He then signs it in large swirly overdone calligraphy letters.
Comments 79
DEAR MORON
THIS SHITHOLE NEEDS A HEREDITARY ARISTOCRACY LIKE IT NEEDS A PUBLIC SYPHILIS FOUNTAIN. PLEASE ROLL YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT UP AROUND A HATCHET AND JAM IT UP YOUR DISEASED SEEDFLAP. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE IN YOUR MISERABLE EMPTY HEAD HOW MUCH I WOULD LOVE TO TUNE UP ON A SHITTY CLOWN WITH DELUSIONS OF NOBILITY RIGHT NOW, SO JUST PRESS YOUR GODDAMN LUCK, BULGEBITER. I HAVE ABOUT FIVE THOUSAND SICKLES AND A FLAMING HOT COLUMN OF RAGE JUST WAITING TO BE VIGOROUSLY RAMMED DOWN SOME LUCKLESS GLOBESACK'S PRETENSION CHUTE.
FUCK YOU,
KARKAT VANTAS ♋
God does he hate kings.
Reply
He gets his won sheet of paper and in that copperplate handwriting write his response.
Dear Sir,
Firstly, it is the Fool not "moron" or Alexander if you must. Please learn how to properly write a letter, including its salutations, punctuation and capitalization. It makes you look like an idiot. I wouldn't even dare give you the application of a fool.
Secondly, your language is highly inappropriate and childish. Why should I bother to listen to a child? If you cannot structure your arguments appropriately then don't bother.
Thirdly, have you ever considered a career in diplomacy?
Finally, I have no interest in having sex with an ignoramus such as yourself.
Sincerely
The Fool.
PS. If you wish to have a civil conversation you could always speak to me face to face.
He tacks the response under Karkat's response to his and then ambles back to his seat, where he waits to see what happens.
Reply
PLEASE LEARN NOT TO BE SUCH A BRAINLESS CONDESCENDING BASICALLY AWFUL MOBILE HEAP OF REFUSE.
IF YOU ATTEMPT TO ANY KIND OF ILL-ADVISED TYRANNICAL BULLSHIT WITH ME YOU WILL RAPIDLY FIND YOURSELF MINUS WHATEVER MISSHAPEN LIMBS YOU SHAMBLE AROUND ON, THAT IS THE ENTIRETY OF MY ARGUMENT. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF FUCKING KINGS AND YOU AREN'T EVEN THIRTY STORIES TALL.
DIE HORRIBLY,
KARKAT VANTAS
Reply
Also, you fail to see the point of me declaring myself king of Milliways. Clearly you don't have the mind to harbor such intelligent thoughts, being so interested in the base and dull and surface of what you see.
the Fool
Reply
The King should buy us all a round.
Several rounds.
Also, geckos.
Reply
The king would love to. Alas he is but a beggar king and has no coin. However he has proved quite adapt at catching frogs and would try his hand at geckos if he knew what they were.
Reply
What kind of lousy king doesn't know what a gecko is??
Reply
I never said I was a GOOD king.
Which is true.
Reply
Ed and Ein can help! Ed is a super-duper hacker and Ein is a very smart dog. Also Ed has never met a real king before and she is curious.
Sincerely,
Edward Wong Hau Pepleu Tivrusky IV
and
Ein
The signatures are accompanied by a rosy-cheeked smiley face and a pawprint, respectively.
Reply
You cut things for a living very well?
He's never heard of a hacker in regards to a computer.
Reply
Ein can herd things. He is really good at it. Also he can do tricks.
Reply
You shall be my minister of taking care of things I don't understand and can't be bothered with figuring out.
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
Reply
They get deposed pretty damn quick.
It isn't signed.
Reply
If a king cannot keep his kingdom then he doesn't deserve to be king. If anyone wishes to take the kingdom away from a Fool then they're probably a fool themselves.
He then signs it in large swirly overdone calligraphy letters.
Reply
Leave a comment