(Untitled)

[remindmeof_me]

There are two things Milliways does not usually do to Shephard. One, it does not usually surprise him unless he is going into a particular stall in the men's room. And two, it does not usually make the door disappear when he walks in.

Today is just full of surprises

Comments

[crabbycustomer]

Karkat sits up straighter, and lets his note-scribbling pen lay on the scratchpad. (He has already covered it in picture of a boy with spiky black hair being hanged, set on fire, and otherwise mortified.)

"OKAY, WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY FASCINATING SPECTER YOU HAVE TORMENTING YOUR REALITY. IT HAS NEVER REALLY DAWNED ON ME UNTIL JUST NOW THAT MOST LIKELY, EACH UNIVERSE GETS A DIFFERENT EMBODIMENT OF SUPREME EVIL TO FUCK SHIT UP."

"FIVE MINUTES AGO I WOULD HAVE ASSUMED THE HANDMAID WAS A UNIVERSAL FIGURE OF TERROR, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S FUCKING RETARDED."

[remindmeof_me]

"Oh, I met that sheepfucker," Shephard says grimly. "Goddamn G-man or whatever the shit he was. I'd'a got out of Black Mesa with the rest of my unit if that sumbitch didn't lock the door on me'n Black Mesa would still be on the face of the fuckin' map if he didn't set off the goddamn nuke I busted my ass to disarm. And the assbastard stuck me'n Freeman both in some kinda suspended animation bullshit for twenty years a pop. Don't know too many people besides Freeman'n Ms. Vance who've ever seen him, though."

Pause.

"Who's this handmaid you got, anyway?"

[crabbycustomer]

"I HAVE NOT MET HER," Karkat is loathe to admit, since Shepherd is just that cool. "AND IN FACT A SWEEP AGO I WOULD HAVE SAID SHE WAS ONE OF THE DUMBER BITS OF CULTURAL RESIN CAKED AROUND THE RIM OF OUR COLLECTIVE RACIAL SUPERSTITION GHOST, BUT AT THIS POINT I AM PREPARED TO BELIEVE IN FUCKING EVERYTHING, EVEN LITTLE TRICKSTER GOBLINS WHO LIVE ON THE MOON

[remindmeof_me]

"We got the Grim Reaper," says Shephard. "Skull face, black robes, glowin' eyes, carries a scythe. Rides a pale horse. Supposed to be one of the four horsemen who ride out at the end of the world, 'long with War 'n Famine'n Conquest. Don't think the Reaper's got a helper or nothin', though. Not in any of the stories I ever read."

He scratches his head for a moment before adding, "Although I'm pretty sure I read somewheres once that they got a shitload of gods'n goddesses over in India, 'n half the time the god of destruction stays home'n just waits for his time, so it's his partner goddess who actually gits her ass out'n active. I dunno those stories real well, though, I only ever met a couple folks from India and I had other things on my mind at the time."

[crabbycustomer]

"YEAH, WELL, I GUESS THERE IS NO PARTICULAR REASON FOR THIS STUFF TO BE, UH, WHATEVER THE FUCK THE WORD THAT COMES AFTER 'UNIVERSAL' IS, REALLY, EVEN IF THEY ARE GODS AND ACTUALLY SUFFER FROM BEING NOT FICTIONAL. I MEAN, THERE ARE UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS, AND THERE ARE THINGS BIG ENOUGH TO ENCOMPASS MULTIPLE REALITIES LIKE THE HORRORTERRORS, BUT A UNIVERSE IS PROBABLY TERRORITORY ENOUGH FOR THE AVERAGE GOD TO PISS IN THE CORNERS OF."

[remindmeof_me]

Shephard nods. "All I ask," he says, "is that if the G-man turns out t'be some kinda god, it's the kind of god you git in the Norse stories. The ones the right weapon'll kill, if you got it in the right hands. I'mma settle for the kind of god you might not be able to fuckin' kill but that you c'n hurt real bad and he won't never heal on account of gods don't heal back from nothin'."

[crabbycustomer]

That is another poser, and Karkat blinks for a moment. "OH. WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER MOMENT OF HUMOROUS CULTURAL MISUNDERSTANDING. IT JUST NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT YOU COULD HAVE A MYTHOLOGICAL FIGURE THAT CAN'T BE KILLED, KILLING THINGS IS A PRETTY FUNDAMENTAL CULTURAL VALUE FOR TROLLS AND I DON'T THINK WE WOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST ANY GOD YOU CAN'T THREATEN."

"ACTUALLY ONE OF MOST FUNDAMENTAL MYTHS ABOUT THE HANDMAID IS ABOUT HER DEATH, SUPPOSEDLY SHE HAS THIS RAGING HATE-BULGE FOR HER MASTER BUT SHE IS CURSED TO BE THE LAST BEING TO DIE IN ALL OF REALITY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONLY MAKE HER FUME AND HATE AND WANT HIM MORE. THERE IS A PRETTY GOOD ROMANCE FILM ABOUT THAT, WHERE DEATH LOSES HIS MEMORY AND IS TRAPPED AS A LIVING TROLL WITH NO IDEA WHICH WAY IS UP, WHILE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE GOES TO SHIT BECAUSE NOTHING CAN BE KILLED, AND THE HANDMAID AND HIS MATESPRIT, WHICH IS THE PERSONIFICATION OF THE UNIVERSE, ARE HUNTING DESPERATELY FOR HIM. IT'S PRETTY DECENT."

[remindmeof_me]

Shephard considers this. Eventually he says, "Now that sounds like a movie I wouldn't mind watchin'. I ain't never had much fondness for human romance movies."

By which he means, he goes when his girlfriends start delivering the threat of Lysistrata, mostly.

[crabbycustomer]

"REALLY? I THINK THEY'RE FASCINATING. I MEAN, HUMAN ROMANCE IS PRETTY SIMPLISTIC AND MONOCHROME COMPARED TO THE REAL THING, BUT YOUR FILMMAKERS ARE ABLE TO DO SOME REALLY EXCELLENT SHADING WITH THE ONE COLOR. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY AREN'T HANDCUFFED TO PRODUCING IMPERIAL PROPAGANDA."

"ALTHOUGH OBVIOUSLY SOME OF THEM ARE BETTER IF YOU VIEW THEM THROUGH THE LENS OF TROLL QUADRANTS AND FILL IN THE BLANKS FOR YOURSELF, THE DIE HARD FILM IS A REALLY TOUCHING ROMANCE IN THAT LIGHT."

[remindmeof_me]

"Huh," says Shephard. "Think you might've hit another thing humans'n trolls're different about, there. It ain't real common where I come from for men t'watch romance movies on their own, less'n a woman wants to see it with 'em. Least that's how it used to be. I ain't real sure how many of any movies survived the Combine so I reckon damn near everybody's gon' be watchin' whatever they c'n git their hands on, 'specially since most of 'em ain't got clue fuckin' one 'bout that kind of shit after the last twenty years."

[crabbycustomer]

Karkat shrugs. "WELL, I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BE HANDED MY PORTION OF SHIT-TALK FOR WATCHING THEM, BUT HOW ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA ABOUT ROMANCE? THE STUFF YOU GET SCHOOLFED IS BASICALLY WORTHLESS AND TROLLOPEDIA IS NOT REALLY TRUSTWORTHY ANY TIME THE NOTABILITY ENTHUSIARCHS HAVE GOTTEN INTO A STRIFE WITH SOME OTHER GROUP, WHICH IS CONSTANTLY."

[remindmeof_me]

"Tell you the truth, I got most of what I know from hearin' my momma'n poppa talk about how they wound up together," says Shephard. "'Course, that only works if you got good folks who didn't fuck you up already, y'know?"

[crabbycustomer]

"OH RIGHT, THE PARENTS THING. I WOULD NOT TRUST AN ADULT TROLL TO GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO A SUICIDE BOOTH, LET ALONE TEACH ME HOW TO REPRODUCE OR FUNCTION IN SOCIETY, BUT THAT IS WHAT MULTICULTURALISM IS ALL ABOUT, I GUESS."

Karkat glances down at the houndeye and says, apparently with no segue: "YOUR PET GOT FAT."

(There is a segue, it just only exists his head.)

[remindmeof_me]

"Different species, different rules," Shephard agrees. "I don't have clue one how Vortigaunts arrange things neither."

He looks down at Mrs. Wilson and nods. "Yeah, she's about due any day now. Gonna be havin' a good couple of puppies by the look of her."

[crabbycustomer]

"THAT IS MY IDEA OF A WORTHWHILE CUSTODIAN," Karkat says, thus articulating the segue. "IF WE EVER FIND A WAY TO SCRAPE THE MATRIORB BACK TOGETHER I WILL DEFINITE SNIPE A COUPLE OF THE YOUNGLINGS OFF YOU TO TRAIN UP AS LUSUSES."

[remindmeof_me]

Shephard nods. "Fine by me. Might have a couple of litters by then anyways if this all works out," he says. "They ain't solitary, though. Most of the ones I see in the wild live in packs. That a problem as far as the lusus thing goes?"