The bar has made a terrible mistake

[crabbycustomer]

A grey, horned, thirteen year old alien climbs up on the bartop.

"ATTENTION DEGENERATE HUMAN MOUTHBREATHERS AND ASSOCIATED NONHUMAN BAR HANGERS ON LOUNGING AROUND THE VICINITY. I AM NOW YOUR LEADER, IN THE ADMITTEDLY LIMITED SENSE THAT I AM IN CHARGE OF DISPENSING THE LIQUID REFRESHMENT YOU ALL CRAVE. I WILL BE A WRATHFUL AND MERCILESS ALCOHOLIC

Comments

[good_or_awesome]

A luchadorito and a cheese wedge - nacho fixings, as it were - belly up to the bar. "Just a cold one," says the wrestleman. "It can be a beer from your planet for all me, just so long as it's CUH-HOLD."

"I'll have a Shut the Hell Up," says the The Cheat. "Strictly in a spirit of scientific experimentation, you understand."

[crabbycustomer]

Karkat finds a tap labelled in Alternian and pours out what is almost certainly some kind of fermented monster secretions. "HOLY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING."

He looks at the little Consort or whatever it is. "AND YOU HAVE THE MOST FUCKING INCOMPREHENSIBLE QUIRK I HAVE EVER HEARD, JEGUS."

[good_or_awesome]

"Black pants and red boots, plus what people keep mistaking for a wrestling mask and boxing gloves. Are you sure that's beer? It looks like milk or something even more unsavory." Karkat may hear sniffing sounds. "And it smells like milk that's gone through bad and out the other side.

"And don't feel bad about not understanding my The Cheat. I can kind'a understand him, but a lot of the time I'm just guessing. For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure he asked for a Shut the Hell Up."

"Meah!" Judging from the tone of voice, if The Cheat had recognizable thumbs, he'd be giving Strong Bad one up.

[crabbycustomer]

"YES WHAT A GOOD IDEA. LET'S ALL HAVE A GENEROUS SERVING OF SHUT THE HELL UP AND DRINK OUR SHITTY ALIEN BEER."

He starts mixing the Cheat's drink, though.

[good_or_awesome]

While he's waiting for The Cheat's STHU to arrive, Strong Bad takes the bartender's advice and a sip of the beer.

"Y'know something?" he says once he's swallowed it. "This is actually not as crappy as I was afraid it'd be. I mean, sure, it's got a kind of sweet aftertaste, and it's pretty weak as ones go, but it's got a definite kick on the tongue."

The Cheat makes some The Cheat noises that convey a general sentiment of "Whoop-de-god-damn-de-doo!"

[crabbycustomer]

"ALL RIGHT I AM NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF THING YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BUT LET'S ASSUME YOU'RE MAKING A HALF-ASSED EFFORT TO BE A HUMAN BEING HERE SO I CAN EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT YOUR PRIMITIVE FUCKING APEMAN TASTEBUDS AREN'T ADVANCED ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE REAL TROLL BEER WHEN YOU POUR IT DOWN YOUR USELESS PROTEIN CHUTE."

He slides the other drink over the bar.

[good_or_awesome]

"I get that a lot from other human-types. As long as it's strong and cold, I got no complaints."

The Cheat, meanwhile, follows the prescribed procedure for drinking a Shut the Hell Up, viz. or to wit, upending the glass into his mouth. Past the teeth, over the gums; look out, organ, here it comes!

"Wee-oo-woo..." he trails off like a deflating Pac-Man.

[crabbycustomer]

He wonders what that's like, not having any complaints. "I THINK WE POISONED YOUR UGLY YELLOW CONSORT THING."

[good_or_awesome]

Oh, he may not have any complaints about his ones (as long as they're CUH-HOLD), but that doesn't stop him from complaining about other stuff. As witness:

"Hey! The Cheat is not my consort, he's my lackey! And he's not poisoned, unless 'too drunk to fall down' counts." Pause. "At least, I don't think he's poisoned."

After a moment, The Cheat starts to emit snoring noises, the kind that go into the snorer's air passages as a full-throated Dagwood Bumstead SKNX-X and emerge as a faint whistling.

"Yeah, he'll be fine. Truth to tell, I don't actually have a consort, not the way I'm used to people using the word anyways. See, there's only one girl back home, and she... kind'a has trouble admitting how she feels about me." (Read: has trouble getting Strong Bad to acknowledge how she actually feels about him.)

[crabbycustomer]

"OKAY WOW YOU ARE USING THE WORD CONSORT IN A WAY THAT MAKES ME INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND I AM GOING TO CHALK UP TO YOU BEING A MORON BEFORE I HAVE ANY TERRIBLE MENTAL IMAGES OF YOUR HIDEOUS BOXING GLOVED FISTS PAWING SPASMODICALLY AT THE SHELL OF A WEEPING TURTLE YOU'VE CLIMBED ON TOP OF."

"I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THIS BUT YES LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE INSTEAD OF THAT. SO YOU ARE FLUSHED FOR SOME PERMUTATION OF HUMAN FEMALE AND NOT A REPTILE OR AMPHIBIAN OF ANY KIND? RIGHT?"

[good_or_awesome]

"See, now I'm really not sure what you mean by 'consort', and I'm not even sure I need to know, no matter how much I want to know. So yeah, let's move on to the relationship-advice portion of our program.

"Yeah, I think Marzipan is human. I'm pretty sure she's a mammal, at least." He shows Karkat a picture of the said only girl. "Although frankly, some days I wonder if my actual brothers are the same species as me."

[crabbycustomer]

Karkat visibly blanches, but hands the photo back without comment. "OKAY SO YOU ARE WAXING FLUSHED FOR THIS... BROOM."

"AND YOU'VE LET HER KNOW ABOUT THIS?"

[good_or_awesome]

"Hey, I got a reputation to, um, reputate. Strong Bad is all about the lady-types. Even when the only lady-type in town is talking like she hates him. Maybe she actually does,I dunno."

[crabbycustomer]

"OKAY WELL I KNOW HUMAN ATTITUDES TOWARDS BLACK ROM ARE DIFFEERENT BUT STRONG NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE BETTER THAN NO FEELINGS ABOUT YOU AT ALL, I HAVE TO FIGURE. AT LEAST SHE HAS AN OPINION."

"HOW DID YOU COMMUNICATE THESE FLUSHED LEANINGS TO HER? DID YOU JUST COME OUT WITH IT LIKE SOME KIND OF BRAZEN NOOKSNIFFER, RATTLING YOUR BUCKET OUTSIDE HER WINDOW?"