Inter-Agency Cooperation
“Torchwood Three, Ianto Jones speaking.”
“Mister Jones…what is this I hear about Agent Barton being arrested and charged with public intoxication, disturbing the peace, possession of an illegal weapon, and assault on a police officer?”
“Ah, Agent Coulson…I was just going to call you about that very incident.”
“Agent Barton was spending time with Torchwood in order to foster a sense of inter-agency cooperation. We expected him to be well-looked after.”
“I understand that it was Colonel Fury’s idea in the first place, in the misplaced hope that Jack would send me instead of Ms Cooper-Williams. Then, once I’d set foot on the helicarrier, he would make certain I never left again because he’s been that desperate to recruit me.”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
“I didn’t think you would.”
“So…these ridiculous charges against Agent Barton…”
“Not so ridiculous, I’m afraid. We’re still investigating, however I believe we know what happened, although the how is still somewhat of a mystery.”
“Care to explain?”
“The night before Agent Barton arrived at the Hub, the team managed to take down a drugs ring run by a family of Blowfish -“
“Blowfish?”
“Think Mafioso, only with bi-pedal fish-like aliens with a taste for flashy cars and even flashier suits.”
“Alien Mafia…why doesn’t that surprise me?”
“As I was saying, this particular drugs ring was smuggling in off-world intoxicants disguised as baked goods. We have discovered that Agent Barton somehow got into the brownies, which were laced with the alien equivalent of LSD.”
“You have got to be kidding.”
“I’m afraid not. Although it could have been worse…he could have eaten the oatmeal raisin cookies, which would have necessitated a major alteration in her body armour.”
“-”
“The only reason he didn’t get the cookies was because Jack had already confiscated them.”
“Do I want to know what he did with them?”
“Let’s just say he’s sleeping on the sofa for the next month. It would have been longer if I hadn’t recognized the cookies and had, in fact, eaten them when I’d found them on my desk. Now, if he’d asked nicely I might have agreed…”
“-“
“As for Agent Barton, he managed to get the brownies out of the Hub and back to his hotel room, where he eventually did consume them. This led him to stalk the rooftops until he was reported by an elderly woman out walking her dog. Apparently he jumped down in front of her, demanding to know why she was doing holding the poor animal as a slave and then he attempted to save the dog, which promptly bit him.”
“And what about the other charges?”
“Several members of the Cardiff constabulary managed to corner him in an alley near Bute Park, where Agent Barton proceeded to shoot PC Andy Davidson in the arse.”
“-“
“I assure it’s no laughing matter, Agent Coulson.”
“Oh god, yes it is…”
“I’ve been told that PC Davidson would be permanently singing soprano if he hadn’t had excellent reflexes.”
“Barton shot…a cop…in the ass…oh sweet Jesus, I can’t wait to tell Natasha…”
“Understandably, he wasn’t in his right mind at the time.”
“No, of course he wasn’t. Did he say why he decided to shoot a random constable in the ass?”
“Apparently he thought PC Davidson was Loki who, in Agent Barton’s stoned imagination, was doing an extremely suggestive dance and daring him to shoot, all the while singing a certain Rod Stewart song. ”
“-“
“Agent Coulson, please control yourself.”
“C’mon, Jones…certainly you see the humour in it.”
“-“
“I knew it! You do! I am in awe of your poker voice; you really had me going there.”
“I have the entire altercation on CCTV if you wish to see it for yourself.”
“No sound though, right?’
“Actually, Agent Barton was wearing a Torchwood comm. unit at the time, and Toshiko has managed to synch up the sound with the action quite nicely.”
“You have got to send that to me…I’ll do anything…”
“That’s not necessary. I’ll email you the footage when we get off the phone. In the spirit of inter-agency cooperation, of course.”
“Of course. And where is Agent Barton now?”
“He’s here in the Hub. He and Toshiko have managed to create a new arrow tip for him to use. It gives off an ultra-low signal which causes nausea and projectile vomiting in anyone within a 50 foot radius of the device.”
“I’m thinking I could blackmail Agent Barton into setting that thing off around Stark…while he’s wearing the Iron Man armour…”
“You are evil, Agent Coulson.”
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day. That includes the cussing out I received from Detective Inspector Swanson first thing this morning. It was a thing of beauty. I wonder if I could recruit her into S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“Jack has tried to recruit her on several occasions, but she always turns him down.”
“She shows good taste. After all, Harkness’ idea of recruiting is to flirt at it until it either slaps him or kills him. And then he’d just get right back up and try again.”
“Which shows persistence.”
“You say that like it’s a good thing.”
“It is, trust me.”
“-“
“Persistence and stamina are traits to admire in a man.”
“I don’t think I needed to know that, Mr. Jones.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Agent Coulson.”
“Anyway, I do suppose Agent Barton’s adventure was at least as entertaining as to what happened with Ms Cooper-Williams.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
“Colonel Fury had her thrown in the brig.”
“-“
“I take that’s about as funny as Barton shooting a poor cop in the ass?”
“I’ll want that footage, please.”
“Sure. It even has sound.”
“What did Gwen do?”
“She got into a shouting match with the Colonel right on the bridge of the helicarrier, in front of everyone, over what to do about an alien terrorist group taking hostages at the Empire State Building.”
“And Fury didn’t shoot her on sight?”
“I won’t lie and say he wasn’t tempted.”
“Please let him know that Jack can sympathise.”
“I shall. Still, it was entertaining, watching this short, feisty Welsh woman go toe-to-toe with this tall, intimidating military man and fully expecting to get her way.”
“And that was when Colonel Fury tossed Gwen into the brig?”
“Oh no, he simply had her escorted off the bridge. That was when she decided to take matters into her own hands and ended up in the middle of the hostage situation. She wanted to negotiate but completely failed at it.”
“Shit.”
“That was exactly what Colonel Fury said, along with some language that actually made Agent Hill blush.”
“Maria Hill? Blushing? I do hope you managed to get a photo of that.”
“I’m not confirming that I did, but they’ll be included with the video footage.”
“Thank you. But surely that isn’t the end of the story.”
“Of course not. Then Captain America, Stark, and the Hulk showed up, and generally made a mess without a single hostage being killed, which was a miracle in and of itself. Unfortunately the Empire State Building suffered a bit of damage, mainly because of the holes the Hulk punched through the stone in order to climb up to the observation deck.”
“Congratulate the team for me, please. Although it seems to me like Dr. Banner may have seen King Kong one too many times.”
“Dr. Banner won’t admit to it, but it wouldn’t surprise me. However, the terrorists decided to use Ms Cooper-Williams as a shield…although from what the agents on scene said, she volunteered for it, saying that she’d go with the aliens if no one was hurt. She was a bit late, since the others were mopping up at the time, so there was no real need for her attempt at self-sacrifice.”
“That sounds like Gwen.”
“The Colonel would have been impressed if she hadn’t gotten herself into the mess in the first place, and the fact that it was completely unnecessary and all she did was get in the way.”
“Judging from the fact that Gwen is in the helicarrier’s brig, I take it she was rescued.”
“She was, but the only reason it happened was because the Colonel didn’t want the Queen of England breathing down his neck over the loss of one of Torchwood’s operatives, even if the operative in question was a pain in Fury’s backside. Oh, and she got into another shouting match when Iron Man and Cap had to kill several of the terrorists to get her out.”
“That’s our Gwen.”
“Colonel Fury finally told her that, if she hadn’t gotten herself involved no one would have had to die. He was…well, furious.”
“I bet you enjoyed saying that.”
“I did, yes.”
“So that had to have been when the Colonel threw Gwen behind bars.”
“Not quite.”
“There’s more?”
“Did you just squeak?”
“Of course not. I was clearing my throat.”
“I see. Well, Ms Cooper-Williams tried to argue with him about that, saying that no one needed to die anyway, that the terrorists weren’t going to hurt her. The Colonel called her a ‘naïve little girl’ and wondered how she’d managed to survive all this time working for a dangerous organisation such as Torchwood.”
“-“
“Are you all right? You sound as if you’re choking.”
“I’m just…please, go on.”
“That was when Ms Cooper-Williams went off on a rant about how she was the best of Torchwood and that she was the heart of the team.”
“-“
“Are you certain you’re okay?”
“Yes…yes, of course. My coffee went down the wrong pipe.”
“If you say so…”
“Yes, I’m fine. Go on.”
“Well, it was at this point that Colonel Fury laughed at her.”
“Oh, please tell me she tried to hit him.”
“Got it in one. That was when he decided she’d be safer in the brig and out of his sight. He did say, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan’, which I thought was strange since the Colonel isn’t an overly religious person.”
“Gwen just brings it out in people.”
“How on Earth does Captain Harkness put up with her?”
“He just lets her rant and does things the way he wants to anyway. Although I do admit there was a time when he thought she was the best thing since sliced bread, but that changed about the time she let a dangerous zombie who’d once been a Torchwood employee out of the Hub because Gwen thought we weren’t doing enough to help her deal with her new state of undeadness.”
“Is ‘undeadness’ even a word?”
“It is now, at least within Torchwood.”
“And the Captain keeps her around, why?”
“Entertainment.”
“What was he thinking when he sent her to be your representative to S.H.I.E.L.D.?”
“That he didn’t want Colonel Fury to kidnap me for his personal agency harem.”
“I cannot confirm or deny the existence of such a harem.”
“I thought you’d say that.”
“Of course you did.”
“I suppose you’d best send Gwen back before the Colonel decides to do something drastic with her.”
“Like decide she’s a waste of oxygen and dump her off the helicarrier over the Atlantic Ocean?”
“There’s that, yes. We’ll also make certain that Agent Barton is fit for duty. Owen says the alien narcotic is just about out of his system, although he did think our pteranodon was a really large chicken not too long ago and tried to pluck her…”
“Do you have any of those brownies left?”
“Of course not, they were all destroyed. Although you might look for a diplomatic package arriving by special messenger in a couple of days.”
“I shall expect it. Oh and please let the constable Barton shot know that S.H.I.E.L.D. will pay for any medical bills he might garner over this.”
“I’ll be glad to. PC Andy is a nice bloke, but these weird things just seem to happen to him.”
“It’s Cardiff…”
“You are preaching to the choir.”
“And I thought New York was bad. One of these days I’ll need to take a vacation in Cardiff, just to see why all the aliens like it there so much.”
“It’s our sewers. They like to hang out there.”
“Must be fantastic sewers.”
“They are. Trust me.”
“Let me know if anything else happens. And don’t forget the video footage.”
“It will be on its way shortly. Please also forward on Gwen’s little tirade. Jack will get a kick out of it. After all, he’ll need to be entertained since he’s sleeping on the sofa.”
“You are a harsh man, Mr. Jones.”
“Why, thank you, Agent Coulson. What a nice complement.”
“Good day.”
“You, too.”
“Mister Jones…what is this I hear about Agent Barton being arrested and charged with public intoxication, disturbing the peace, possession of an illegal weapon, and assault on a police officer?”
“Ah, Agent Coulson…I was just going to call you about that very incident.”
“Agent Barton was spending time with Torchwood in order to foster a sense of inter-agency cooperation. We expected him to be well-looked after.”
“I understand that it was Colonel Fury’s idea in the first place, in the misplaced hope that Jack would send me instead of Ms Cooper-Williams. Then, once I’d set foot on the helicarrier, he would make certain I never left again because he’s been that desperate to recruit me.”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
“I didn’t think you would.”
“So…these ridiculous charges against Agent Barton…”
“Not so ridiculous, I’m afraid. We’re still investigating, however I believe we know what happened, although the how is still somewhat of a mystery.”
“Care to explain?”
“The night before Agent Barton arrived at the Hub, the team managed to take down a drugs ring run by a family of Blowfish -“
“Blowfish?”
“Think Mafioso, only with bi-pedal fish-like aliens with a taste for flashy cars and even flashier suits.”
“Alien Mafia…why doesn’t that surprise me?”
“As I was saying, this particular drugs ring was smuggling in off-world intoxicants disguised as baked goods. We have discovered that Agent Barton somehow got into the brownies, which were laced with the alien equivalent of LSD.”
“You have got to be kidding.”
“I’m afraid not. Although it could have been worse…he could have eaten the oatmeal raisin cookies, which would have necessitated a major alteration in her body armour.”
“-”
“The only reason he didn’t get the cookies was because Jack had already confiscated them.”
“Do I want to know what he did with them?”
“Let’s just say he’s sleeping on the sofa for the next month. It would have been longer if I hadn’t recognized the cookies and had, in fact, eaten them when I’d found them on my desk. Now, if he’d asked nicely I might have agreed…”
“-“
“As for Agent Barton, he managed to get the brownies out of the Hub and back to his hotel room, where he eventually did consume them. This led him to stalk the rooftops until he was reported by an elderly woman out walking her dog. Apparently he jumped down in front of her, demanding to know why she was doing holding the poor animal as a slave and then he attempted to save the dog, which promptly bit him.”
“And what about the other charges?”
“Several members of the Cardiff constabulary managed to corner him in an alley near Bute Park, where Agent Barton proceeded to shoot PC Andy Davidson in the arse.”
“-“
“I assure it’s no laughing matter, Agent Coulson.”
“Oh god, yes it is…”
“I’ve been told that PC Davidson would be permanently singing soprano if he hadn’t had excellent reflexes.”
“Barton shot…a cop…in the ass…oh sweet Jesus, I can’t wait to tell Natasha…”
“Understandably, he wasn’t in his right mind at the time.”
“No, of course he wasn’t. Did he say why he decided to shoot a random constable in the ass?”
“Apparently he thought PC Davidson was Loki who, in Agent Barton’s stoned imagination, was doing an extremely suggestive dance and daring him to shoot, all the while singing a certain Rod Stewart song. ”
“-“
“Agent Coulson, please control yourself.”
“C’mon, Jones…certainly you see the humour in it.”
“-“
“I knew it! You do! I am in awe of your poker voice; you really had me going there.”
“I have the entire altercation on CCTV if you wish to see it for yourself.”
“No sound though, right?’
“Actually, Agent Barton was wearing a Torchwood comm. unit at the time, and Toshiko has managed to synch up the sound with the action quite nicely.”
“You have got to send that to me…I’ll do anything…”
“That’s not necessary. I’ll email you the footage when we get off the phone. In the spirit of inter-agency cooperation, of course.”
“Of course. And where is Agent Barton now?”
“He’s here in the Hub. He and Toshiko have managed to create a new arrow tip for him to use. It gives off an ultra-low signal which causes nausea and projectile vomiting in anyone within a 50 foot radius of the device.”
“I’m thinking I could blackmail Agent Barton into setting that thing off around Stark…while he’s wearing the Iron Man armour…”
“You are evil, Agent Coulson.”
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day. That includes the cussing out I received from Detective Inspector Swanson first thing this morning. It was a thing of beauty. I wonder if I could recruit her into S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“Jack has tried to recruit her on several occasions, but she always turns him down.”
“She shows good taste. After all, Harkness’ idea of recruiting is to flirt at it until it either slaps him or kills him. And then he’d just get right back up and try again.”
“Which shows persistence.”
“You say that like it’s a good thing.”
“It is, trust me.”
“-“
“Persistence and stamina are traits to admire in a man.”
“I don’t think I needed to know that, Mr. Jones.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Agent Coulson.”
“Anyway, I do suppose Agent Barton’s adventure was at least as entertaining as to what happened with Ms Cooper-Williams.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
“Colonel Fury had her thrown in the brig.”
“-“
“I take that’s about as funny as Barton shooting a poor cop in the ass?”
“I’ll want that footage, please.”
“Sure. It even has sound.”
“What did Gwen do?”
“She got into a shouting match with the Colonel right on the bridge of the helicarrier, in front of everyone, over what to do about an alien terrorist group taking hostages at the Empire State Building.”
“And Fury didn’t shoot her on sight?”
“I won’t lie and say he wasn’t tempted.”
“Please let him know that Jack can sympathise.”
“I shall. Still, it was entertaining, watching this short, feisty Welsh woman go toe-to-toe with this tall, intimidating military man and fully expecting to get her way.”
“And that was when Colonel Fury tossed Gwen into the brig?”
“Oh no, he simply had her escorted off the bridge. That was when she decided to take matters into her own hands and ended up in the middle of the hostage situation. She wanted to negotiate but completely failed at it.”
“Shit.”
“That was exactly what Colonel Fury said, along with some language that actually made Agent Hill blush.”
“Maria Hill? Blushing? I do hope you managed to get a photo of that.”
“I’m not confirming that I did, but they’ll be included with the video footage.”
“Thank you. But surely that isn’t the end of the story.”
“Of course not. Then Captain America, Stark, and the Hulk showed up, and generally made a mess without a single hostage being killed, which was a miracle in and of itself. Unfortunately the Empire State Building suffered a bit of damage, mainly because of the holes the Hulk punched through the stone in order to climb up to the observation deck.”
“Congratulate the team for me, please. Although it seems to me like Dr. Banner may have seen King Kong one too many times.”
“Dr. Banner won’t admit to it, but it wouldn’t surprise me. However, the terrorists decided to use Ms Cooper-Williams as a shield…although from what the agents on scene said, she volunteered for it, saying that she’d go with the aliens if no one was hurt. She was a bit late, since the others were mopping up at the time, so there was no real need for her attempt at self-sacrifice.”
“That sounds like Gwen.”
“The Colonel would have been impressed if she hadn’t gotten herself into the mess in the first place, and the fact that it was completely unnecessary and all she did was get in the way.”
“Judging from the fact that Gwen is in the helicarrier’s brig, I take it she was rescued.”
“She was, but the only reason it happened was because the Colonel didn’t want the Queen of England breathing down his neck over the loss of one of Torchwood’s operatives, even if the operative in question was a pain in Fury’s backside. Oh, and she got into another shouting match when Iron Man and Cap had to kill several of the terrorists to get her out.”
“That’s our Gwen.”
“Colonel Fury finally told her that, if she hadn’t gotten herself involved no one would have had to die. He was…well, furious.”
“I bet you enjoyed saying that.”
“I did, yes.”
“So that had to have been when the Colonel threw Gwen behind bars.”
“Not quite.”
“There’s more?”
“Did you just squeak?”
“Of course not. I was clearing my throat.”
“I see. Well, Ms Cooper-Williams tried to argue with him about that, saying that no one needed to die anyway, that the terrorists weren’t going to hurt her. The Colonel called her a ‘naïve little girl’ and wondered how she’d managed to survive all this time working for a dangerous organisation such as Torchwood.”
“-“
“Are you all right? You sound as if you’re choking.”
“I’m just…please, go on.”
“That was when Ms Cooper-Williams went off on a rant about how she was the best of Torchwood and that she was the heart of the team.”
“-“
“Are you certain you’re okay?”
“Yes…yes, of course. My coffee went down the wrong pipe.”
“If you say so…”
“Yes, I’m fine. Go on.”
“Well, it was at this point that Colonel Fury laughed at her.”
“Oh, please tell me she tried to hit him.”
“Got it in one. That was when he decided she’d be safer in the brig and out of his sight. He did say, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan’, which I thought was strange since the Colonel isn’t an overly religious person.”
“Gwen just brings it out in people.”
“How on Earth does Captain Harkness put up with her?”
“He just lets her rant and does things the way he wants to anyway. Although I do admit there was a time when he thought she was the best thing since sliced bread, but that changed about the time she let a dangerous zombie who’d once been a Torchwood employee out of the Hub because Gwen thought we weren’t doing enough to help her deal with her new state of undeadness.”
“Is ‘undeadness’ even a word?”
“It is now, at least within Torchwood.”
“And the Captain keeps her around, why?”
“Entertainment.”
“What was he thinking when he sent her to be your representative to S.H.I.E.L.D.?”
“That he didn’t want Colonel Fury to kidnap me for his personal agency harem.”
“I cannot confirm or deny the existence of such a harem.”
“I thought you’d say that.”
“Of course you did.”
“I suppose you’d best send Gwen back before the Colonel decides to do something drastic with her.”
“Like decide she’s a waste of oxygen and dump her off the helicarrier over the Atlantic Ocean?”
“There’s that, yes. We’ll also make certain that Agent Barton is fit for duty. Owen says the alien narcotic is just about out of his system, although he did think our pteranodon was a really large chicken not too long ago and tried to pluck her…”
“Do you have any of those brownies left?”
“Of course not, they were all destroyed. Although you might look for a diplomatic package arriving by special messenger in a couple of days.”
“I shall expect it. Oh and please let the constable Barton shot know that S.H.I.E.L.D. will pay for any medical bills he might garner over this.”
“I’ll be glad to. PC Andy is a nice bloke, but these weird things just seem to happen to him.”
“It’s Cardiff…”
“You are preaching to the choir.”
“And I thought New York was bad. One of these days I’ll need to take a vacation in Cardiff, just to see why all the aliens like it there so much.”
“It’s our sewers. They like to hang out there.”
“Must be fantastic sewers.”
“They are. Trust me.”
“Let me know if anything else happens. And don’t forget the video footage.”
“It will be on its way shortly. Please also forward on Gwen’s little tirade. Jack will get a kick out of it. After all, he’ll need to be entertained since he’s sleeping on the sofa.”
“You are a harsh man, Mr. Jones.”
“Why, thank you, Agent Coulson. What a nice complement.”
“Good day.”
“You, too.”