Something To Sleep To [18/?]
Title: Something To Sleep To
Chapter: 18/?
Author: wishof_wings // tresbellemichelle
Betas: Becky, with special guest appearances by Sam
Rating: R
Pairing: Klaine
Word Count: 2200
Summary: What started as a volunteer gig at Lima Memorial is slowly turning into a fairy tale for Kurt Hummel. Except Kurt is pretty doubtful that a kiss is going to wake his Prince Charming from his coma.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: AU, homophobia related violence
Author's Notes: Please see the end of the chapter.
Go back to the beginning.
There have been many times over the last month when Kurt has gone to the hospital for solace. It’s not exactly something he likes to admit-that he’s been using Blaine’s hospital room as an escape from everything else in his life. But that’s exactly what he’s been doing.
Today, though, it’s different. Despite the fact that Kurt feels as if the rest of the world is pushing in on him, that isn’t what’s driving him to Lima Memorial.
Rather, it’s the fact that Blaine is there that’s pulling him in.
He keeps it together as well as he can until Blaine’s door is closing heavily behind him. It’s as if that signifying click is a trigger, a word of compliance, because that one sound is all it takes to have Kurt falling to pieces.
“Why doesn’t anyone understand?” Kurt grips his arms, tugging his jacket closer to him as if it will become a piece of armor. He feels so raw and stripped down, so open to absolutely everything and he hates it. Closing his eyes, he tries to keep himself from crying, tries to breathe and collect himself but it just isn’t working this time.
He turns then, looking at Blaine and moving quickly to his bedside. Kurt’s looking for something, he knows he is, but it isn’t something he’s going to find here. Not this time. A hiccup escapes him and he drops heavily into his chair, burying his face in his hands and breathing, breathing, trying to keep the cracks from growing.
“Before this year it-” He swallows, arms collapsing against his knees as he blinks back tears. “It was always just me. Every single day. To people at school, I didn’t even have a name. I was an easy target and that’s it. No matter how hard I... I tried to be someone, tried to be me, it didn’t matter.” Kurt rubs furiously at his eyes. He doesn’t know why he just doesn’t let the tears fall; no one is there to see them.
“Glee was... It was supposed to be different. I wasn’t supposed to be alone anymore. And I made friends, I had something to look forward to at school, but I just...” His breathing starts becoming erratic and he doesn’t try to calm himself down again. “I was surrounded by all of these people, people I considered my best friends, and I still felt so invisible.”
To a degree, Kurt can understand it. After being treated differently for almost his entire life, Kurt has built a shell around himself. Layers and layers of protection, keeping people out and keeping himself from getting hurt. So maybe they didn't think that Kurt needed the attention, that he wanted people to get past the armor he'd so tediously built.
But maybe he hadn't known that about himself, either.
"I've never needed anyone before," he whispers. His fingers twitch against his sides and it's then that he realizes he's folded in on himself, arms tight around his waist-holding the armor together.
He wilts, sinking further into the chair. It seems pointless now, trying to keep up the façade he's been building for so many years. It seems especially pointless here, with Blaine.
Kurt moves to the edge of his chair, reaching up to finally lace his fingers with Blaine's the way he's wanted to since he left the choir room.
"So why do I need you?"
Because he's everything that none of them can be.
He smiles dryly to himself at that, looking at their clasped hands and remembering how, before Blaine, he'd never really held hands with a boy before. Not like this.
"It's… Pathetic, I guess, but no one has ever really… Been there for me, not the way you have." Kurt squeezes Blaine's hand. "My dad, he tried… He still tries, sometimes, but I know that he's as lost as I am about… About everything. And maybe I don't need someone to help, maybe I'm not looking for advice, maybe I just want someone to… To listen to me. To understand what I'm saying." His breath hitches and he closes his eyes. "To understand me."
In fact, Kurt is sure that's all he's ever wanted.
"And maybe, maybe I finally have that." He looks at Blaine again, at his impassive face and hoping to see something there. "I know it's not… We're not." Kurt swallows. "I know this isn't exactly routine, that this isn't how things are supposed to go. But this is what I have, you are what I have, so can't people just accept that? Accept us? Can't they let me have this one thing?"
Can't they let me have you?
Kurt digs the heel of his free hand to his forehead, closing his eyes in frustration.
"Except… What if they're right?" He asks, desperately. "What if… No, it is. This is crazy. I don't… I know you're not a bad person. I know that. But we've never even…" Kurt rubs at his eyes, breathing harshly. "I don't know what you look like when you smile." His voice breaks. "I don't know what color your eyes are, or what your laugh sounds like, or what it would be like to hold your hand and have you hold it back."
He feels the moisture in his eyes, trying to blink it back. But it's building too quickly for him to control anymore.
"And it's crazy and ridiculous and…"
What I look forward to every day.
"And…"
I can't remember the last time I felt this happy.
"And…"
You're everything.
"…I think about you all the time." Kurt closes his eyes and can feel the tears escaping. "All the time, Blaine. I… I wonder about you, what you're like, what we'll talk about." The jokes you'll make, the ways we'll tease each other, the silly things we'll fight about. "When I'm not here, all I think about is being here. Because I want to be here… I always want to be here." He admits it so quietly, as if the reality of it just solidified within him.
"I… I just want to sit here, and talk to you, and see you, and just… Just be here because I want to be here for you, Blaine. I will always be here for you," he promises fiercely. "And… And maybe this isn't normal. I don't think it could ever be considered normal, but… When have I ever done things the easy way? When have I ever done things that anyone considered normal?"
I'll just go not be normal somewhere else. The fight with his dad echoes in his head and he can't help but smile even as the tears stream steadily down his cheeks.
"So, if this isn't normal, then… Then okay." He's quiet, staring at their joined hands. "If… If feeling this way isn't normal, then okay."
Kurt lifts their joined hands, moving them to the side of his face before tentatively touching the back of Blaine's hand to his cheek. The contact makes him let out a shaky breath, and he closes his eyes.
"Is it even possible to fall in love with someone before you've met them?"
Love.
Opening his eyes, Kurt stares at Blaine again as if he's really seeing him. It aches deep inside of him, like his heart becomes whole and then falls apart all over again. He gasps at the shock of it, leaning forward until he has his arms draped on the bed. A sob forces its way out of his throat and he closes his eyes, tries to stop crying, when did he start crying this hard?
"I want to meet you," he cries, his voice thin and wavering, clogged with tears and much too sudden heartbreak. "I want to meet you so badly. You have to wake up, so we can meet." He focuses on Blaine's face, waiting, waiting, but nothing happens.
"Please wake up." His voice becomes higher, desperate. "You need to wake up, Blaine. I-I need you to open your eyes, okay? You need to… You need to open your eyes and look at me."
Blaine's eyes don't even flutter.
"Please. Please, open your eyes and look at me and be real. You have to be real, Blaine. You have to… You have to be, I can't-I need you. Please open your eyes." He squeezes Blaine's hand tightly, his other hand curling around Blaine's arm.
"You're not… You have to be real, because you're not right now. Right now you're a dream. You're the best dream I've ever had." He lets out another sob, a wail that is amplified by the empty hospital room. "You need to wake up, you need to be real, please."
Kurt leans forward on the bed, pressing his forehead against the softness of Blaine's stomach. He holds his hand so tightly that it hurts, but he can't let go, he can't.
"Please, please wake up, you have to wake up. Please. Please, Blaine, please open your eyes, please," he chants, crying in earnest. Blaine's body is warm, his breathing steady, but he doesn't move, doesn't stir.
Kurt cries. He cries and he pleads until his voice is hoarse and he doesn't have tears, until the only thing left in the room is the sound of machines and his harsh breathing. His eyes are heavy and his face is stiff, his hair limp and his shirt wrinkled. But for once he can't even think to care about it.
He feels so weak he thinks he might collapse from the effort of standing, but it's getting dark. If he doesn't leave soon, a nurse will make him. And being forced away from Blaine now… Kurt doesn't think he'd survive it.
No, he has to leave on his terms, knowing that he'll come back as soon as he can. Every day, for as long as he has to.
He doesn't let go of Blaine's hand, standing there silently. Kurt cups Blaine's face with his palm, practically holding his breath as he waits, please, for something to happen.
When it doesn't, he closes his eyes, leans down, and presses his lips to Blaine's forehead. Kurt lingers, breathing and hoping, wishing, willing. He pulls back slowly, pushes a curl back from Blaine's face, and leaves.
Kurt almost doesn’t go to school the next day.
Everything just seems so... Empty. Sound rushes past his ears like white noise, and everything he sees seems to blur in and out of focus. He feels dead on his feet, probably looks it, and if he wanted to stay home he probably could have. But at this point in time, staying at home is almost as bad as going to school.
All morning, it’s a game of cat and mouse as people from Glee club try to approach him. Kurt manages to muster the ability to feel annoyed by it, but he works around it. He can’t deal with the kids from Glee today, with his friends. Not today. So he carries his things with him, a weight that keeps him grounded when he feels so hollow, like he might float away.
He’s tired, he’s so tired; his eyes, and his heart, ache.
What he wants to do is sleep.
What he really wants to do is see Blaine.
It’s right after lunch, as he sits in his World History class and debates whether or not the teacher will notice if he falls asleep, that he sees movement just outside the open classroom door. At first he ignores it, but the little buzz in his peripheral vision won’t seem to stop bothering him. When Kurt does look, he’s surprised to see that the disturbance is Finn of all people. He looks bizarrely antsy, like he has to go to the bathroom or something.
Kurt looks at him with dull eyes, blinking owlishly, and just shakes his head, turning back towards the teacher and her lecture. Except that Finn is still there and his bouncing only becomes more agitated. Kurt sighs, looking up and muttering to himself, before his attention goes back to Finn. But rather than hopping from foot to foot, Finn is holding up a phone and pointing at it furiously.
“May I use the restroom?” Kurt says as he raises his hand, and the teacher just shoos him away. He’s out the door in moments, grabbing Finn by the arm and dragging him down the hall and away from the classroom.
“What?” Kurt hisses, turning on him and crossing his arms. He is so not in the mood for this. But rather than saying anything, Finn thrusts the phone in his direction. “Um, yes, that is a phone.”
“It’s my mom,” Finn whispers, and Kurt’s eyebrows furrow. Weird. Carole’s never called him before. He takes the phone from Finn tentatively, holding it up to his ear.
“Hello?”
There’s a lot of noise on the other end of the line and he can hear Carole’s voice, shouting something at somebody on her end. She must be at the hospital.
“Kurt?” She yells too loudly into the phone and Kurt jerks away from it slightly.
“Yes-”
“It’s Blaine.”
Everything stops. His heart, his breath, absolutely everything. Kurt’s never been a subscriber to the idea that sometimes it feels like things are in slow motion, but now he’s right in one of those moments. The stillness is swallowing him up, hours and hours of it, until a shuddering breath breaks it.
“Blaine’s awake.”
Author's Note: It's been quite a journey, hasn't it? This isn't the end, obviously, but the story that I'm telling has changed rather drastically. I ask that if you make posts about this anywhere that you keep your spoilers to yourself, but also that you please, please, please tag me because this chapter has been inside of me for six months and I finally get to share it with you all. So something to sleep to or fic: something to sleep to or wishofwings or tresbellemichelle, just, I'd be very grateful, indeed.
I also want to say that, yes, my updates weren't coming all that frequently already, and they'll be slowed down now because I am taking summer school and I'm working on like five other projects now? I know, I'm sorry. But thank you all for sticking with me this long! You've all been patient and wonderful and you made it. Because now, now the real story starts.
<< 18 >>
Chapter: 18/?
Author: wishof_wings // tresbellemichelle
Betas: Becky, with special guest appearances by Sam
Rating: R
Pairing: Klaine
Word Count: 2200
Summary: What started as a volunteer gig at Lima Memorial is slowly turning into a fairy tale for Kurt Hummel. Except Kurt is pretty doubtful that a kiss is going to wake his Prince Charming from his coma.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: AU, homophobia related violence
Author's Notes: Please see the end of the chapter.
Go back to the beginning.
There have been many times over the last month when Kurt has gone to the hospital for solace. It’s not exactly something he likes to admit-that he’s been using Blaine’s hospital room as an escape from everything else in his life. But that’s exactly what he’s been doing.
Today, though, it’s different. Despite the fact that Kurt feels as if the rest of the world is pushing in on him, that isn’t what’s driving him to Lima Memorial.
Rather, it’s the fact that Blaine is there that’s pulling him in.
He keeps it together as well as he can until Blaine’s door is closing heavily behind him. It’s as if that signifying click is a trigger, a word of compliance, because that one sound is all it takes to have Kurt falling to pieces.
“Why doesn’t anyone understand?” Kurt grips his arms, tugging his jacket closer to him as if it will become a piece of armor. He feels so raw and stripped down, so open to absolutely everything and he hates it. Closing his eyes, he tries to keep himself from crying, tries to breathe and collect himself but it just isn’t working this time.
He turns then, looking at Blaine and moving quickly to his bedside. Kurt’s looking for something, he knows he is, but it isn’t something he’s going to find here. Not this time. A hiccup escapes him and he drops heavily into his chair, burying his face in his hands and breathing, breathing, trying to keep the cracks from growing.
“Before this year it-” He swallows, arms collapsing against his knees as he blinks back tears. “It was always just me. Every single day. To people at school, I didn’t even have a name. I was an easy target and that’s it. No matter how hard I... I tried to be someone, tried to be me, it didn’t matter.” Kurt rubs furiously at his eyes. He doesn’t know why he just doesn’t let the tears fall; no one is there to see them.
“Glee was... It was supposed to be different. I wasn’t supposed to be alone anymore. And I made friends, I had something to look forward to at school, but I just...” His breathing starts becoming erratic and he doesn’t try to calm himself down again. “I was surrounded by all of these people, people I considered my best friends, and I still felt so invisible.”
To a degree, Kurt can understand it. After being treated differently for almost his entire life, Kurt has built a shell around himself. Layers and layers of protection, keeping people out and keeping himself from getting hurt. So maybe they didn't think that Kurt needed the attention, that he wanted people to get past the armor he'd so tediously built.
But maybe he hadn't known that about himself, either.
"I've never needed anyone before," he whispers. His fingers twitch against his sides and it's then that he realizes he's folded in on himself, arms tight around his waist-holding the armor together.
He wilts, sinking further into the chair. It seems pointless now, trying to keep up the façade he's been building for so many years. It seems especially pointless here, with Blaine.
Kurt moves to the edge of his chair, reaching up to finally lace his fingers with Blaine's the way he's wanted to since he left the choir room.
"So why do I need you?"
Because he's everything that none of them can be.
He smiles dryly to himself at that, looking at their clasped hands and remembering how, before Blaine, he'd never really held hands with a boy before. Not like this.
"It's… Pathetic, I guess, but no one has ever really… Been there for me, not the way you have." Kurt squeezes Blaine's hand. "My dad, he tried… He still tries, sometimes, but I know that he's as lost as I am about… About everything. And maybe I don't need someone to help, maybe I'm not looking for advice, maybe I just want someone to… To listen to me. To understand what I'm saying." His breath hitches and he closes his eyes. "To understand me."
In fact, Kurt is sure that's all he's ever wanted.
"And maybe, maybe I finally have that." He looks at Blaine again, at his impassive face and hoping to see something there. "I know it's not… We're not." Kurt swallows. "I know this isn't exactly routine, that this isn't how things are supposed to go. But this is what I have, you are what I have, so can't people just accept that? Accept us? Can't they let me have this one thing?"
Can't they let me have you?
Kurt digs the heel of his free hand to his forehead, closing his eyes in frustration.
"Except… What if they're right?" He asks, desperately. "What if… No, it is. This is crazy. I don't… I know you're not a bad person. I know that. But we've never even…" Kurt rubs at his eyes, breathing harshly. "I don't know what you look like when you smile." His voice breaks. "I don't know what color your eyes are, or what your laugh sounds like, or what it would be like to hold your hand and have you hold it back."
He feels the moisture in his eyes, trying to blink it back. But it's building too quickly for him to control anymore.
"And it's crazy and ridiculous and…"
What I look forward to every day.
"And…"
I can't remember the last time I felt this happy.
"And…"
You're everything.
"…I think about you all the time." Kurt closes his eyes and can feel the tears escaping. "All the time, Blaine. I… I wonder about you, what you're like, what we'll talk about." The jokes you'll make, the ways we'll tease each other, the silly things we'll fight about. "When I'm not here, all I think about is being here. Because I want to be here… I always want to be here." He admits it so quietly, as if the reality of it just solidified within him.
"I… I just want to sit here, and talk to you, and see you, and just… Just be here because I want to be here for you, Blaine. I will always be here for you," he promises fiercely. "And… And maybe this isn't normal. I don't think it could ever be considered normal, but… When have I ever done things the easy way? When have I ever done things that anyone considered normal?"
I'll just go not be normal somewhere else. The fight with his dad echoes in his head and he can't help but smile even as the tears stream steadily down his cheeks.
"So, if this isn't normal, then… Then okay." He's quiet, staring at their joined hands. "If… If feeling this way isn't normal, then okay."
Kurt lifts their joined hands, moving them to the side of his face before tentatively touching the back of Blaine's hand to his cheek. The contact makes him let out a shaky breath, and he closes his eyes.
"Is it even possible to fall in love with someone before you've met them?"
Love.
Opening his eyes, Kurt stares at Blaine again as if he's really seeing him. It aches deep inside of him, like his heart becomes whole and then falls apart all over again. He gasps at the shock of it, leaning forward until he has his arms draped on the bed. A sob forces its way out of his throat and he closes his eyes, tries to stop crying, when did he start crying this hard?
"I want to meet you," he cries, his voice thin and wavering, clogged with tears and much too sudden heartbreak. "I want to meet you so badly. You have to wake up, so we can meet." He focuses on Blaine's face, waiting, waiting, but nothing happens.
"Please wake up." His voice becomes higher, desperate. "You need to wake up, Blaine. I-I need you to open your eyes, okay? You need to… You need to open your eyes and look at me."
Blaine's eyes don't even flutter.
"Please. Please, open your eyes and look at me and be real. You have to be real, Blaine. You have to… You have to be, I can't-I need you. Please open your eyes." He squeezes Blaine's hand tightly, his other hand curling around Blaine's arm.
"You're not… You have to be real, because you're not right now. Right now you're a dream. You're the best dream I've ever had." He lets out another sob, a wail that is amplified by the empty hospital room. "You need to wake up, you need to be real, please."
Kurt leans forward on the bed, pressing his forehead against the softness of Blaine's stomach. He holds his hand so tightly that it hurts, but he can't let go, he can't.
"Please, please wake up, you have to wake up. Please. Please, Blaine, please open your eyes, please," he chants, crying in earnest. Blaine's body is warm, his breathing steady, but he doesn't move, doesn't stir.
Kurt cries. He cries and he pleads until his voice is hoarse and he doesn't have tears, until the only thing left in the room is the sound of machines and his harsh breathing. His eyes are heavy and his face is stiff, his hair limp and his shirt wrinkled. But for once he can't even think to care about it.
He feels so weak he thinks he might collapse from the effort of standing, but it's getting dark. If he doesn't leave soon, a nurse will make him. And being forced away from Blaine now… Kurt doesn't think he'd survive it.
No, he has to leave on his terms, knowing that he'll come back as soon as he can. Every day, for as long as he has to.
He doesn't let go of Blaine's hand, standing there silently. Kurt cups Blaine's face with his palm, practically holding his breath as he waits, please, for something to happen.
When it doesn't, he closes his eyes, leans down, and presses his lips to Blaine's forehead. Kurt lingers, breathing and hoping, wishing, willing. He pulls back slowly, pushes a curl back from Blaine's face, and leaves.
Kurt almost doesn’t go to school the next day.
Everything just seems so... Empty. Sound rushes past his ears like white noise, and everything he sees seems to blur in and out of focus. He feels dead on his feet, probably looks it, and if he wanted to stay home he probably could have. But at this point in time, staying at home is almost as bad as going to school.
All morning, it’s a game of cat and mouse as people from Glee club try to approach him. Kurt manages to muster the ability to feel annoyed by it, but he works around it. He can’t deal with the kids from Glee today, with his friends. Not today. So he carries his things with him, a weight that keeps him grounded when he feels so hollow, like he might float away.
He’s tired, he’s so tired; his eyes, and his heart, ache.
What he wants to do is sleep.
What he really wants to do is see Blaine.
It’s right after lunch, as he sits in his World History class and debates whether or not the teacher will notice if he falls asleep, that he sees movement just outside the open classroom door. At first he ignores it, but the little buzz in his peripheral vision won’t seem to stop bothering him. When Kurt does look, he’s surprised to see that the disturbance is Finn of all people. He looks bizarrely antsy, like he has to go to the bathroom or something.
Kurt looks at him with dull eyes, blinking owlishly, and just shakes his head, turning back towards the teacher and her lecture. Except that Finn is still there and his bouncing only becomes more agitated. Kurt sighs, looking up and muttering to himself, before his attention goes back to Finn. But rather than hopping from foot to foot, Finn is holding up a phone and pointing at it furiously.
“May I use the restroom?” Kurt says as he raises his hand, and the teacher just shoos him away. He’s out the door in moments, grabbing Finn by the arm and dragging him down the hall and away from the classroom.
“What?” Kurt hisses, turning on him and crossing his arms. He is so not in the mood for this. But rather than saying anything, Finn thrusts the phone in his direction. “Um, yes, that is a phone.”
“It’s my mom,” Finn whispers, and Kurt’s eyebrows furrow. Weird. Carole’s never called him before. He takes the phone from Finn tentatively, holding it up to his ear.
“Hello?”
There’s a lot of noise on the other end of the line and he can hear Carole’s voice, shouting something at somebody on her end. She must be at the hospital.
“Kurt?” She yells too loudly into the phone and Kurt jerks away from it slightly.
“Yes-”
“It’s Blaine.”
Everything stops. His heart, his breath, absolutely everything. Kurt’s never been a subscriber to the idea that sometimes it feels like things are in slow motion, but now he’s right in one of those moments. The stillness is swallowing him up, hours and hours of it, until a shuddering breath breaks it.
“Blaine’s awake.”
Author's Note: It's been quite a journey, hasn't it? This isn't the end, obviously, but the story that I'm telling has changed rather drastically. I ask that if you make posts about this anywhere that you keep your spoilers to yourself, but also that you please, please, please tag me because this chapter has been inside of me for six months and I finally get to share it with you all. So something to sleep to or fic: something to sleep to or wishofwings or tresbellemichelle, just, I'd be very grateful, indeed.
I also want to say that, yes, my updates weren't coming all that frequently already, and they'll be slowed down now because I am taking summer school and I'm working on like five other projects now? I know, I'm sorry. But thank you all for sticking with me this long! You've all been patient and wonderful and you made it. Because now, now the real story starts.
<< 18 >>