Chapter 10 - Siempre me quedara
Title: Siempre me quedara.
Pairings: Daniel Agger/Fernando Torres
Characters: Daniel Agger, Fernando Torres (finally), Captain
Words: 7,699 (!)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AU
Disclaimer: Never happened.
First of all, I'd like to notice it took me ten days to write a chapter. I know many of you are writing chapters day after day and I envy you, really, because with me it was always a damn eternity. And as you can see now, I deleted most of them anyway (haha). But writing this 10th chapter felt somehow easy. Even though it's almost 8,000 words.
Second thing, this is the next to last. I don't know if the last one will come as quickly as this one, because I haven't started writing yet, but who knows!
So, last thing, I wish you all enjoy it. Really. And even if you don't, please do not hesitate and write in a comment it's shit or I have to improve or whatever. I just would love to know your opinion. Feedback always appreciated.
"Fernando, this is Sophie calling. You do remember me, right? Anyway, I don't know if you're still interested in this sort of news, but I felt kind of obligated to contact you on this… Daniel is in hospital. In Miami. They called me, since I'm his emergency call and apparently, he got in a fight or got attacked or something like this and he had it really bad, but right now he's in a stable situation, so you don't need to worry about whether if he's going to make it or not, but just, just I thought you might like to know. If not, then just ignore this message… Bye."
--
Mats couldn't believe that's how he looks like. On the other hand, if he ever pictured Daniel in a relationship, didn't he imagine him with exactly this kind of guy? Incredibly handsome, but not oozing with pretentious confidence. Type of man quite not aware of his standing-out beauty. He would never expect to see him, let alone, immediately recognize him, but all it took was a one, simple glance at his worried face, for Mats to understand that it's him. The guy from the photograph. He had his hair way shorter now and dyed brown. But the freckles. And eyes. His pretty face. Quite tall, though from what he could tell, shorter than Daniel. And the athletic figure.
Mats realized that right now, he could walk past him, wearing this grey sweatshirt and dark jeans, with a paper cup in his hand, and the mobile phone in the other one, looking much ordinary. He could just walk out of the hospital and never, ever get back there. And this guy, sitting on a plastic chair, would never know. About him and Daniel. By this, he could give Agger a chance to get back to his normal life, even maybe a relationship. But he decided otherwise.
"Hi."
Brunet lifted his head and gave Mats a questioning look.
"Hi?"
Hummels sat next to him. All other seats were free, but he chose the one exactly next to Fernando.
"Daniel will be really happy to see you."
He didn't know why he said that, but for a longer moment, an awfully awkward silence appeared.
"I'm sorry, but, do I know you?"
Mats chuckled frantically, "Nah, I don't think so."
Brunet shook his head.
"I'm Daniel's friend."
He shook his head again.
"I was with him the night it happened."
And Mats realized that saying it might have been a mistake. Maybe this guy would flood him with questions and he would be trapped and forced to answer all of them. But somehow, none of it happened. The guy was silent, staring blankly at the Daniel's room door.
"Good," a quick pause. "That means he wasn't alone."
Mats didn't expect to hear this.
"You can go inside and visit him."
"I know," he responded quickly. "I just, I don't think I'm ready."
Mats took a fairly big sip of his coffee, "If you're waiting for this moment to come, you're going to wait forever. It's never going to happen. You just have to go in there and pretend it's nothing you haven't seen before."
--
Daniel was sitting on his bed. For a past couple of days he forced himself to change positions, as after two weeks of practically lying all the time, his body started to get muzzy and languid. He thought about walking with the help of crutches, but doctors advised him to keep it easy for another week, due to the cuts on his back. Though the wounds were healing properly, they sometimes almost burned with pain, when Daniel did bunch of few complicated moves. So if he wanted to go somewhere, Grace (his favorite nurse), helped him getting on the wheel-chair and despite Daniel's reluctant groans, she accompanied him everywhere. Just in case.
This time, he was sitting on his bed, with both of his legs stretched out on the mattress. He didn't know, what to do with himself, so he just observed his feet fingers. He could barely see them on his right leg, as the plaster cast went from under his knee, till the half of his feet. Still, observing anything was kind of difficult and even though the swelling around his eye went down and his vision got much better, the right side of his face was awfully bruised. The last time, he saw himself in the mirror, after the usual evening shower, his skin on that side of his cheek, was a mix of two colors. Dark violet and grass-green. After giving it a thought, he realized they didn't suit him well.
Quiet knocking.
"Come in," he blurted out, not even looking at the door.
Nurses rarely knocked, and when it came to Mats, Daniel could hear him before he even went inside of the room. But he would never think, it could be someone else standing by the door.
"Hi."
He stared at him. Astonished. Daniel didn't say a word. He just turned his head, to look at the empty pillboxes. He thought that maybe one of the nurses switched his regular painkillers for something strong enough to provoke hallucinations. But no. Fernando was real. Maybe a bit pale, tired. His hair were much longer, than when he last saw him. They were brown. He adored this color.
"Hi."
He said finally. With every passing minute, his heart was beating faster.
"I," Nando started, still standing closer to the door, than to Daniel's bed "just," he didn't know what to say. "Sophie left me a message few days ago saying you were brought here after the accident and that … God, you look terrible."
Daniel curved his lips in a crooked smile, not turning his gaze away from Fernando. "Thank you," his voice was sarcastic. "Actually, this is better."
Fernando moved closer by few steps, looking around the small room. Then he grabbed the chair and brought it closer to the bed. Silence crept in, broke only by few loud exhales.
"I don't know what I'm doing here, so please, don't ask me about it," Fernando said with a calm voice, glaring at Daniel with visible worry marking on his face.
Agger didn't say anything.
"And I met your friend over there," he pointed a finger in door's direction. "That's funny, because you've never told me about him."
For a moment, Daniel even forgot about Captain's existence and when Fernando mentioned his person, Agger felt quite taken aback.
"But I guess, I should be used to it," Nando turned his gaze on Daniel's bruised face. "You've never told me about anything."
His voice was a bit bitter and sad, though Daniel wasn't upset with him. He haven't seen him for far too long, to just get angry with him, for telling the truth.
"And I'm mad at you, you know,"
Fernando kept on talking, but that didn't surprise Daniel. This voice sounded so familiar and even though he was in pain, and was tired, suddenly, reality became just a little bit better place to be.
"Because that wasn't a first time. You doing stupid things. And I have told you to stay away from trouble countless number of time, but you never listened," and his voice didn't seem to be irritated, only quiet and calm, most of all sad. "And you're so fucking lucky Daniel," he shook his head with disbelief. "So lucky, to always get away with that," and in a moment when Agger wanted to break in, Fernando said, "and what if the next time you're not going to be so lucky? Have you thought about it?"
The way he said his name, made Agger realize, how badly he missed him.
"I have," he responded with quite a remorseful tone. Daniel delicately lowered his head, not wanting Fernando to stare at him all the time. He was scared that, the more he will look at him, there is a bigger probability, Daniel will just blurt out a stupid "You're so beautiful". And that seemed to be out of line.
The silence after those two words, was so weird and even uncomfortable, that none of them were able to look at each other. What they were supposed to do now? Start talking about what happened? Hug? Go out for a walk?
"How long are you going stay here?"
Agger wanted to know. He wanted to know, so he would be able to prepare for the day, when he will have to say goodbye again. What if Fernando says he came only for the day? Or two? That he has to get back to Europe, because there is someone waiting for him and would like to see him, as fast, as he could? Well, Daniel survived this many times and surely he would made through the another break-up, but this time, he didn't want to pretend, like he's not giving a damn about it. Telling himself that the people you love, you have to let them go. Surely there was a lot of truth in this statement, but this truth never gave Daniel happiness. Maybe when it comes to people we love, maybe it's better if we fight for them as long as we can? Daniel never tried, but if he had so much of stupid luck, maybe it's time to take advantage of it?
"I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet."
That was a good answer, right? It meant there wasn't anyone waiting for him. That Fernando wasn't in rush to get back to someone.
"And what about Sophie? Is she coming as well?"
"Yes," he responded quickly. "She told me over the phone that she's going to come as soon as she finishes her new case."
Daniel gave him a questioning look.
"She didn't tell you?"
Agger nodded his head.
"She recently started working for a law firm in London. Dropped her position in MAYN due to this awful break-up with Gerrard."
Hearing the names and thinking about the world Daniel thought he's no longer a part of, he felt quite sad.
"What's with this fucking London anyway?," he asked and his tone became suddenly weirdly bitter. "There's nothing special about this city."
Before Fernando responded, few more minutes passed.
"You're right," and when it seemed like this is all he had to say about this, he added, "It only makes you realize your heart belongs somewhere else."
--
Next day Fernando came straight in the morning. He wasn't tired, but smiley. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, which he kept sipping on. There was something weirdly pleasurable in watching him, as he was sitting across Daniel's bed, texting someone back, drinking his coffee, looking so casually. Daniel always thought, that Nando looked dashing in his official outfits, but a simple, white, v-neck t-shirt he was wearing right now, brought out his a bit darker than usual skin tone and as the neckline was a bit lower, Daniel could see the freckles around his collarbones. He adored the freckles.
"Stop staring at me," Nando said, while still writing a text. Daniel smiled widely, but turned his head away, glancing at the view spreading out behind the window.
"And now you're not going to look at me even when I will speak?"
Daniel kept on smiling, but at the same time, not looking at Fernando. When the Spaniard wanted to say something, the door loudly opened and the nurse came in. Agger immediately noticed it was Grace. The one, who always changed his back's dressing.
"Good morning, mr Agger!" and so here she came, "Oh, you have a new visitor? That's lovely!
Daniel smiled awkwardly and nodded his head.
"My name is Grace and I'm a nurse here."
"As if he wouldn't figure," Daniel thought, but he smiled anyway, thinking it's simply the way she is.
"I'm Fernando," he replied, smiling quite shyly.
"So, mr Agger, how do you feel today?"
"Good," he quickly said back, lifting up, only to quicken the entire process of changing the dressing.
"Can you believe that's all he's always saying?" she turned her head to Fernando and all of them could hear the slight of uproar mixed with disbelief in her voice, "No, sorry, one day he said, he's feeling better. One day!"
Fernando started laughing. At first because of what she said and how surprised she was with his reticence, but then he saw Daniel rolling his eyes at every word, so Nando was laughing even more. And surely he would laugh longer, but Grace busied herself with unpacking the bandages and Daniel slowly took off his shirt. And seeing the tattoos after such a long time felt almost as if seeing them for the first time. It always took his breath away. Even for few, meaningless seconds. They were incredible.
So Fernando stared shamelessly at them and maybe if he knew Daniel was watching him, he wouldn't do this, but Agger had his head lowered, his lips clenched and his eyes locked on the white sheets, so Fernando went unnoticed. And he wished for few more minutes, but as the nurse was well skilled on this matter, soon Daniel was taking the shirt on and Grace gathered the empty packages in one hand and threw it all to the bin. Before she moved further from Daniel's bed, she took a long glance at his hand and asked,
"What does the YNWA stands for?"
She didn't look away. "I'm familiar with the latin quote and the others are just graphics and this one looks like holding a meaning," the room was completely quiet, "I'm asking out of pure curiosity, if you don't want to say, you don't have to."
And before Daniel could answer, Fernando said, "You will never walk alone."
She turned her head to him.
"I'm sorry?"
"You asked what the tattoo means and I said: You will never walk alone. That's what it means."
She made a very surprised face, while raising an eyebrow, then looked at his hand one last time, "Oh, that's quite something."
Then, while still being quite taken aback with this information, she slowly left the room, with her trolley.
As Grace found herself behind the closed door, Fernando noticed Daniel's face and asked, "What?"
"I never told you about the meaning."
Nando smiled, "But you have lived in Liverpool for far too long, for me to not figure it out."
Daniel nodded his head. And when he saw Fernando looking him straight in the face for quite some time, he said with a large grin, "Stop staring at me."
--
Next day they spent together. The other one as well. And even though there were silent moments, they kept on talking. Fernando told him all about his recovery process routine, visiting his family in Madrid, getting back to Liverpool, making over his apartment. Daniel sometimes broke in with the stories from New York corporation. About David, projects, new group he was managing. Currently he didn't know if there's anything he would able to get back to, but he wasn't miserable about it. Maybe it's time to move on? And start doing something different?
Daniel knew that somewhere between those talks, silence and chaotic outburst of laugh, there was a very unpleasant territory they will sooner or later step into. Fernando not even once asked Daniel why did he find himself in a hospital. He didn't ask about the circumstances, about those people, about what was the reason. Maybe he thought that this time, it was like every other time. And that would be convienient. Agger realized that if he would like to, he could lie about it all and Nando would never know. But he couldn't do such thing. At the same time though, he couldn't bring himself to tell him the truth. How would he do it? For this story to make sense, he would have to dig deep inside his past, open the healed wounds, pull out the truth. But would it make sense? Captain haven't visited Daniel for three days and Agger hoped maybe he will never come back again. Maybe he saw Fernando somewhere on the hallway, recognized him from the picture he saw once and came to realization that there's nothing holding him here anymore. Explaining the accident to Fernando - that could be quite easy. But trying to explain, who Captain was to him, that wasn't as easy as it seemed to be. He would have to say everything. And what if he wasn't brave enough for that? He was afraid of getting back to the past. Looking at Fernando, as he's so freely spending his time with him, sometimes not doing anything at all, sometimes reading, sometimes watching television, sometimes eating. Daniel was afraid to risk it all for what? For coming clean? Was it worth is? Would Fernando understand? Maybe in all this, Daniel wasn't looking for understanding. Only for someone to listen to him talking. And few times, in moment of silence, he really did want to talk. And sometimes even, he saw Fernando wanting to ask. But it never really happened and if it did, they quickly wandered off the subject, coming up with something easy and new. And maybe Captain would never come. Till that time Daniel was save. But he knew this wasn't fair.
--
The fifth day of his stay, Fernando managed to take Daniel out for a walk. At first Agger insisted he's not leaving the hospital on a wheel-chair, but then as he walked on crutches from bed to the door, he quickly changed his mind, choosing the more comfortable option.
"You know, I figured, if you start behaving bad, I might as well push you down the hill and pretend like it was an accident."
Fernando was smiling tauntingly, while pushing Daniel's wheel-chair.
"Oh, I see, you're trying to be funny today."
After that, Fernando grin widened.
"But it's working!"
Daniel sighed heavily, letting himself be the grumpy guy.
"You actually smiled few times today."
Daniel smiled even once again, but only because, Fernando couldn't see him.
"It's because they're giving me really good pills."
Fernando laughed loudly, tousling Daniel's hair. He couldn't explain, why he suddenly did that, especially, when he didn't let himself touch him anytime earlier, but somehow in this moment it felt right and natural.
Warm, afternoon sun lightened up the large, hospital's courtyard. Palms, awfully green grass and long, bendy driveways made it all look like an exclusive resort rather than medical post. Patients along with their caretakers were taking advantage of the insanely beautiful weather. It was Miami after all. When it came to Daniel, he was blinking his eyes, not used to such amount of sun, after almost those three weeks in hospital. They found one bench in a shadow of a large tree. Fernando sat down, whereas Daniel just drove closer. They didn't say anything for next few minutes, just savoring the smell of flowers, fresh air and simply beautiful weather. Something so rare in rainy Liverpool.
"Where is your friend? I haven't seen him around for the past few days."
He was waiting for this moment to come, because he knew it would come. Four days. Fernando lasted four days without asking questions. As for him, Daniel thought it's quite a lot.
"To be honest," he started, "I don't know. He has a way of disappearing in most crucial moments. Then coming back, when you least expect him to."
That was good, right? It wasn't the one word or two word response. It was actually a full one. Quite mysterious, but still.
"How do you know him? Is he someone you met in New York? Like a close friend, or, uhmm, someone random? From here?"
Daniel almost smiled. He perfectly knew what a word "random" means in Fernando's dictionary. It meant: "Is he someone you met at a club, dragged home and fucked the entire night?".
"No," he responded calmly, he took a deep breath, "I know him since high-school."
Fernando made that surprised face, as if he was stunned by a fact that Daniel went to high-school or that he even had friends in high-school.
"Wow," he couldn't help it, "You must have been really good friends, if you stayed in touch through all the years."
That was so typical. The way Fernando tried to trick him into talking. And usually Daniel putted him off with the irked responses, but this time he was aware, that this is one of those situations in which, you have to say to yourself: it's now or never.
"Kind of."
And all the good intentions went back to the exit point. He focused. Took a longer breath. It's just Fernando. But he was indeed afraid of something. Rejection? Judgmental looks?
"You don't wanna talk about it?"
It was rather a stupid question. Was Daniel ever into talking about anything? But suddenly he realized that maybe, if he wanted to make pacts with his past, he had to get back to it, open the wounds once again, admit to everything he used run away from and maybe then it will be easier to move on.
"I do wanna talk about it," he confessed with difficulty. "It's just that talking is hard. Or maybe, it only seems to be hard. I don't know where to start. Because there are so many things I would like to say. And I don't know if I would make myself clear enough, for you to understand."
"Don't think about me right now. Well, I'll be listening, but, just be honest. You were always good at that, remember? Just start talking and it will come your way. The words, I mean."
Silence.
"So, tell me something about your past."
Silence.
"Did you plan it?" he asked quite nervously, "To take me out, slowly start asking questions. Is this how you wanted it to be?"
Fernando opened his eyes in shock. "I haven't planned it for God's sake, Daniel. I'm curious. You never told me about anything and I think it's time you finally do."
That was truth.
"You don't have to of course, but how do you expect me to get completely involved in this relationship, if you're not going to talk to me?"
Relationship. That's how they call each other nowadays? Suddenly, they are in a relationship?
"Excuse me, but the last time we saw each other, you wasn't really into that relationship thing, you know?"
Daniel couldn't help this tone voice.
"And as far as I remember, you didn't want to listen to all that I had to say to you."
That was truth either.
"I made a mistake."
Daniel snickered ironically. "It wasn't a first time you did."
"Look Daniel, I'm sorry. I fucked up. I was scared. But it suddenly looks like you forgot about all the times you pushed me away as well. So, to be honest, you made a lot of mistakes too."
"Oh, I see, so now we're going to argue who have made more mistakes and therefore should be punished," his voice was sharp and bitter. Even though, he didn't raise his tone that much, but the way he was talking, it was full of pain and sadness.
After a minute, Fernando said, "Sorry. I didn't mean it to sound that way."
Few moments passed before Daniel said anything, and when he finally opened his mouth to say something, his voice was almost inaudible, "It's okay."
Well, it maybe wasn't okay, but Daniel refused to be drawn into stupid fights. They maybe weren't equally guilty, but trying to prove who was more, seemed like an idiotic idea.
And when it seemed like they're stuck in a dead point, Fernando suddenly blurted out, "You're pushing me away every time I want you to let me in. I asked you a simple question, "Tell me something about your past", and you could have said "I used to listen to Bon Jovi when I was in my early twenties" but instead you shut down, as I would ask you about murdering a dozen of people. You don't have to confess your entire life to me. But just start somewhere."
Daniel swallowed loudly. But he remembered what Captain used to tell him: go big or go home.
One more moment. He had to pull his thoughts together somehow.
"My past. Nothing that would find your approval. Or so I think."
"Why?"
Fernando could have add a bunch of things, but instead, he tried not ruining it all.
"I don't know where to start."
"Where you feel like."
"I don't feel like starting anywhere, but you made some good points and I think, it's finally a right time. Or maybe the time would never be right, but you have to man up at some point of your life, right? Can't just keep running away all the time, because it doesn't bring you any closer to feeling better about yourself."
He made a pause. He wished for a cigarette.
"Feeling better about yourself. That's something I've always struggled with. And it feels like hitting a maximum of embarrassment to talk about it now. You know, I'm a 28 year old guy, always cocky, always independent, always despised by any kind of affection and now I'm acting like the lousy opposite of what I have always represented. I'm on a wheel-chair, unable to do most of the basic things on my own. And to add up, now I'm giving you the "low self-esteem" talk. On the other hand though, it can't get any worse, right?
He smiled and after a moment he saw Fernando was smiling as well. The Spaniard didn't directly glance at him; his gaze was kind of wandering from the grass, palms, other people. He only gave Daniel side-way glances from time to time.
"I was a very pretentious teenager. Seventeen and drowning in sadness. Then eighteen and being a junkie. Nineteen might have had some highlights, but it was a fuckery nonetheless. And now, almost a decade later, I still don't know who I have to blame. Maybe it's time to move on and accept life as it was. Do not look for a guilty one, because even if I would find one, what would I do? Would it give me my life back? Or at least, that period of my life? No. But when you ask me about my past and the question comes along again, I can't run away from finding the answer."
He took a deep breath. His memories were wandering to the high-school times. Though it was easier for him to talk without having to look Fernando straight in the eyes, he often tried to exchange a glance.
"They said I was depressed, anxious, suffering from a low self-esteem, addicted to drugs, unable to socialize. At last, even my homosexuality was taken as an illness. Funny, right?"
Humorless chuckle was supposed to lighten up the atmosphere. But his voice was calm, as if unruffled with his confession. Sometimes only he noticed how Fernando's eyes widen in shock.
"But as overwhelming as this sounds, I was just simply doing bad. I guess it happens to a lot of people, right? And a lot of teenagers as well. When you question your life, your choices, your friends. Using future as an escape from the reality. Buying drugs to distract you from boredom. Spending a lot of money, because you have to cheer yourself up. Doing all this to prevent going crazy. I don't know what they have told you, because I'm aware of how fucked up my medical documentation is and may appear to you. You didn't know about this all, because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know. But how long you can pretend that nothing happened? And that this nothing haven't changed you into a messed up kind of person? Maybe this is an excuse. Maybe I wasn't good person to begin with."
"That's not true," Fernando quickly opposed. "You're not a bad person. You've only made some bad decisions, that doesn't make you a bad person."
"Maybe."
Daniel gave him only a crooked smile.
He had to make a longer pause only to catch up with his thoughts.
"One of my shrinks said that I feel this bad, because my parents never loved me and I have strong intimacy issues thanks to that. The moment he said this, it haunt me on and on. I never thought about myself as an unloved child. Well, later I did. But not till that moment. I always saw my parents through the eyes of a thankful kid. Maybe abandoned at some times. Crucial times. But still sort of thankful. I had shit loads of money. I had all the fancy things. I wanted to go to New York for a weekend, so I went. I wanted to spend my summer in Cannes, I did that. I wanted to play tennis? I played. I wanted to play football? I played. "What do you want Danny?"" he faked his mothers voice, "And then I had it. Only later I realized, the only thing I didn't have was my parents love. I didn't see it like that at first, though. I thought I must have been doing something wrong. Like failing exams, getting into fights, loosing a match, being caught up by police, You know, not being a perfect kid. Or at least, not living up to the idea of your parents perfect kid and I thought maybe if I wouldn't fail all the time, maybe then they would show some bits of affection, but somehow they didn't."
Daniel smiled, though it was difficult to call it that way.
"I was raised by nannies and I thought that's pretty normal. I thought all kids are raised by nannies. And that the natural state is, when your parents don't have time for you because they're all busy living a different life. Life in which you, as their kid, do not exist. But that was normal to me. All of my friends had it kinda the same, that's why we got along so well. That's why Captain is here today...
… Mats, I mean."
It felt weird calling him by his name.
"This friend? Why do you call him Captain?"
"That's how everyone called him. He was the captain of our football team."
Pause.
"I didn't know you played football professionally."
He felt stupid saying that, because, it only made him realize how little does he know. And how in fact, he knows nothing.
"Yeah, I did," smiling shyly "I wouldn't say there was anything professional about my game, but at least, I didn't get into fights that much, as I practically smashed everyone on the field," a simple chuckle, "I played as a defender."
"I figured"
Fernando smiled, while trying to imagine Daniel as a player.
"About Captain, or Mats," Spaniard cleared his throat, "You never even mentioned him and suddenly he's in a hospital, spending time with you and I'm sorry if that sounds impolite, but who the hell is he?"
Daniel was afraid of this question, but somehow he knew it would come. Fernando is not an idiot. He must have been thinking about it. Then, how to answer his question? How to explain everything Captain was to him, yet everything he wasn't? But he had to be honest.
"That's difficult to explain - "
Nando sighed, as that was the answer he expected to hear and at the same time the answer that disappointed him the most.
" - because for a long time I thought I love him,"
There. He said it. He finally did. And it was the truth. The painful one, the one that takes you aback and shakes you inside and it made Fernando feel awful and jealous. Jealous, because Daniel never said a word like this about him.
" - but I was a stupid kid back then. What did I know about love? I didn't know anything. I don't even know a thing about it now. I might have been temporarily in love with him. Or admired him at some point. Or was simply thankful, that he saved me from my destructive, lonely ways and brought me into worse, but that's not love, right?"
Fernando didn't want to answer that.
"He's very handsome though."
He finally was able to say something and maybe that was stupid in comparing, to how honest and quite touching Daniel's confession was, but it was the only thing Nando remembered about this guy.
"He is. I know," Agger took a deep breath "But that doesn't change a fact I could never be with him."
"Why?"
"Because he brings out the worst in me," Daniel's voice was calm, reassured, "He is very destructive in a long run. Besides, we hated each other. We did. He treated me, as a victim, and I was stupid enough to let him do it. But you know, he actually payed attention to me. That was weird for me back that time, since everyone acted like I'm a nonexistent back-up character, and I preferred his craziness and asshole-ish ways over the pithiness some people gave me. And at some point we actually started to get along."
He made a pause.
"He was the first person, who gave me drugs. Who went racing with me. Who did gambling with me. You know, he sort of introduced me to the wild world. I wasn't miserable anymore. I was going down the road of destruction and I loved it," he exhaled loudly, "He even was the first guy, who I had sex with."
After the last piece of information both of them went silent. It was hard to tell, how long it stayed that way.
"So, what happened Daniel?" Fernando didn't want to sound angry, be he couldn't help it, "What made you a seemingly normal person? Where did the paths diverged? Why did you go to college, started working on your own? Behave like you're one of those people, who are there, struggling, to have it all one day? You had it all. Why did you gave up on that?" and then he said something, he didn't mean to say, but he already started his melancholic monologue and couldn't bring himself to stop, "Why didn't you stay in your own, little world, with your fancy things and your sad life and your rich friends and even richer boyfriend?"
But Daniel wasn't angry about it. Fernando had all the rights to say it out loud. He only chose the harsh way, but that was the truth.
"This is the tricky part."
He started, but Fernando was way too angry to accept this answer, "For fuck's sake Daniel, tell me. Don't bullshit me here."
Daniel nodded his head.
"Captain, well, he's just a part of my past. Like Sergio is a part of yours. I didn't like him, just as you may not like Mats -"
"It's not that I don't like him," he broke in. "I only feel excluded. I feel like a, as you said, a nonexistent back-up character. You both probably have your talks, and memories and obviously you fit together. In a way, we never did"
Before Daniel said anything, he was silent for few minutes. "What do you mean?"
"You may be rivals fighting against each other, but one can't live without the other"
"No, that's what I have always thought about us."
"We were different, Daniel. I made a lot of decisions based on what you have decided to reveal to me and my decisions were often wrong. I always knew there was something unusual about you. It can be sensed. The way you never talked about your parents, or how little did Sophie knew about you as a person. How you always protected your privacy and never let me truly in. Not even when I was fighting leukemia. Not even when I needed it the most. Not your help or a kind word, but the fact that I belonged to your world. That I meant something. And look how many chances you had to open up. When we were drunk or high. When you were in hospital with me. When I was at your place for those few days. You had the chance to come up to me and say "Look, Fernando, I have something to tell you" and even if not then, you could have told me right before when you were leaving for New York."
Fernando took a long, deep breath and exhaled quickly. His gaze wandering, hands quickly gesturing. Anger pouring in.
"And I feel bad for you. Because no one deserves to be treated like this. And money is never a good excuse, but you're right, you don't need my pity, you don't need me hanging over your shoulder and patting your back. This is not what I'm about. I'm just upset, Daniel. Because this is a part of you, you tried to hide away from me. For all those years, letting it be a major obstacle between us. And you knew this is it and you still kept it to yourself. I realize you might have had some problems with talking, socializing, being open to people and I understand that telling me this now is a big step for you. I appreciate it. But how could you think, I would turn my back on you, only because you have a fucked up past? Maybe a stranger would do that, someone who doesn't give a shit about you, but I did. And you knew it even when I perfectly played out the "this is only sex" role. You knew that when I left for London it wasn't because an offer was better, but because I had to run away from you always pushing me away. From you claiming that I mean nothing to you. I was in love with you like I was never in love with anyone else and you knew. You knew all the time. Yet, you kept me on distance."
Another pause.
"And what hurts me about you and Mats, it's even though he's probably an egoistic prick, a junkie and a total asshole, you still trust him more than me. Because what, he has the same money status as you? Because he knew what you're capable of and instead of dragging you out of this shit, he pushed you further in? Because he wasn't despised by your insecurities and flaws?"
His voice was crushing, head lowered, gaze stuck on Daniel's face. "Then fucking wake up! Because I was there too! All the time! I put up with your shit never asking a thing, I didn't judge you, I stood by you, I tried protecting you, I led out my hand to you and even if you turned me down, I was always there! I fucking came back for you from Liverpool and I know you knew about it! And it fucking hurts me that you never, never went after me. Not the first time I left. And not the second time, right before you left for New York."
Daniel felt really bad, incapable of saying a thing. He wanted to hug him and say he's sorry. He's so fucking sorry. Probably blurt out he's and idiot and he's so sorry. But he didn't move. He was frozen. Somehow the accusations, as much as they felt well deserved, they didn't seem to be quite true. To him.
"And sure, you were there with me, when I was fighting cancer. And I will always be grateful for that. Always. But when the chance of you loosing me forever went away, you got back to normal. And don't try telling me otherwise."
Silence, long, painful silence.
"And you probably don't see it the way I do, but honestly, you and Mats. Maybe you two fit together perfectly."
"Stop saying that."
"It's hard for me to accept that, trust me, but the way you just talked about him. You seem like you don't even like him at first, that he's completely irrelevant, but there is a part of you that will always belong to him. He shaped you Daniel, whether you like it or not, and that's huge."
"I was a teenager back then and I needed someone. And he came along. And I gave in, yes, that's true, and he was important and maybe still is, but don't you even dare trying to us that against me!"
"I'm not using it against you. I'm saying maybe you should work it out with him. Not me. Maybe I was the wrong option"
"That's fucking bullshit! I don't wanna work it out with him! I hate myself around him! He reminds me of everything that I used to be. And I was just like him, Fernando. I was egoistic, I was a junkie, I was heartless. I fucking left my closest friends for my own convenience!"
"What are you talking about?"
"There was an accident. I didn't mean to do anything wrong. It just fucking happened. Me and my friend Martin were brought to hospital. I was doing fine after few weeks, but he had his spine broken. Doctors said they give him a chance and that after few operations it will be possible that he might even walk again. And we were all in four. Me, Captain, Nicklas and Martin. We did the crazy shit together. I promised them that we're all in this. Together. But not even half a year later I left. I moved out to England. For college. For the fucking seemingly normal life as you said."
Daniel looked Fernando straight in the eyes.
"So you see. This is who I am around him. I'm the shittiest kind of person you can probably be. And I know, it happened almost ten years ago. And probably I have changed. Maybe I'm a better person. I didn't leave you on your own, right? At least not during the fighting process. And you always asked me why I hate Sergio so much. Yeah, I hated him because you were close at one time and I admit, I was jealous. But when he was backing off every time you got worse, I saw myself in him. I saw the same fucking coward I was, when I was younger."
"And maybe blaming my shit behavior on Captain isn't a very mature choice, but he was always there. Always proposing an easy way out. Always seducing me with an option of comfortable life. And even then, with Martin, he said something like 'your life isn't wasted Danny, you should pack your things and go. Get the hell out of here.'"
"So that's what I did."
"And you say I had many chances to open up. And you're right. I had. And by far we've come now, I realized that talking about feelings isn't as scary as it seemed. But how could you expect me to just grab you by the arm and have a nice, little chat over a tea or coffee or a drink, about how messed up my teenage years were? What should I say? Just brag about it, like it's something cool? Where should I start? With mailing you my entire medical documentations and pointing out all the shit I snorted and all the crack I smoked? And then go about how I spent thousands of euro's on booze and hookers? And to justify my behavior say I was one of those unloved and spoiled rich kids? This is fucking pathetic, Fernando. And embarrassing. Especially when you had your perfect past: a football star, scholarships, loving family, a brilliant career later on. Everyone loved you right from the fucking start. And I was the complete opposite."
"Even your mother fucking hated me from the very beginning and I didn't even have a chance to baffle her with my brilliant social skills."
Humorless chuckle once again left his throat.
"Daniel," Fernando was dead serious, "You told her to shut up."
"Once! And only God knows how I struggled not to say it at least a million times."
Quiet laugh. Fernando was smiling. It was an odd view, especially when taking by the circumstances, but somehow they both felt, like there are no more words that could hurt them. They said the truth. Both of them. The only thing left to do, was to make a decision.
"You're forgiven," Nando moved closer and delicately touched his arm.
"Am I forgiven for the rest?"
Daniel's question was sincere, yet full of doubts. What if the answer is 'no' and he wouldn't be able to ever change it?
"I don't know, Daniel. "
"Do you want us to try again?"
"I don't know."
"I realize I don't deserve you and you can do thousand times better than me, I know it. We've made that clear. But I need you."
Daniel never thought that saying it would be so easy. Waiting for the answer was a bit harder, but he realized that, there's nothing more to loose. He said all the awful things, it's time to say some nice as well.
"I missed you so much."
It was probably the first time he said that.
"I don't want to trick you into promising me something or manipulate you, but honestly I can't imagine not having a chance to see you again. Ever. Not talk to you. I know, it's hard when we're together. But it's even worse, when we're not. And I will work on my awful ways. And I will even learn to cook. I will."
Fernando smiled. Daniel thought it so good to simply see him smiling.
"And I'm aware that right now I'm not looking quite appealing. With this shit on my leg, and this wheel-chair and a walk pace of a 85 years old grandpa, but it will get better. And we can go out for a date even."
"Look Daniel, I need to think about it."
"Okay."
"Just... I need some time."
"But you're not saying no, right?"
"No, I'm not saying no."
Pairings: Daniel Agger/Fernando Torres
Characters: Daniel Agger, Fernando Torres (finally), Captain
Words: 7,699 (!)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AU
Disclaimer: Never happened.
First of all, I'd like to notice it took me ten days to write a chapter. I know many of you are writing chapters day after day and I envy you, really, because with me it was always a damn eternity. And as you can see now, I deleted most of them anyway (haha). But writing this 10th chapter felt somehow easy. Even though it's almost 8,000 words.
Second thing, this is the next to last. I don't know if the last one will come as quickly as this one, because I haven't started writing yet, but who knows!
So, last thing, I wish you all enjoy it. Really. And even if you don't, please do not hesitate and write in a comment it's shit or I have to improve or whatever. I just would love to know your opinion. Feedback always appreciated.
"Fernando, this is Sophie calling. You do remember me, right? Anyway, I don't know if you're still interested in this sort of news, but I felt kind of obligated to contact you on this… Daniel is in hospital. In Miami. They called me, since I'm his emergency call and apparently, he got in a fight or got attacked or something like this and he had it really bad, but right now he's in a stable situation, so you don't need to worry about whether if he's going to make it or not, but just, just I thought you might like to know. If not, then just ignore this message… Bye."
--
Mats couldn't believe that's how he looks like. On the other hand, if he ever pictured Daniel in a relationship, didn't he imagine him with exactly this kind of guy? Incredibly handsome, but not oozing with pretentious confidence. Type of man quite not aware of his standing-out beauty. He would never expect to see him, let alone, immediately recognize him, but all it took was a one, simple glance at his worried face, for Mats to understand that it's him. The guy from the photograph. He had his hair way shorter now and dyed brown. But the freckles. And eyes. His pretty face. Quite tall, though from what he could tell, shorter than Daniel. And the athletic figure.
Mats realized that right now, he could walk past him, wearing this grey sweatshirt and dark jeans, with a paper cup in his hand, and the mobile phone in the other one, looking much ordinary. He could just walk out of the hospital and never, ever get back there. And this guy, sitting on a plastic chair, would never know. About him and Daniel. By this, he could give Agger a chance to get back to his normal life, even maybe a relationship. But he decided otherwise.
"Hi."
Brunet lifted his head and gave Mats a questioning look.
"Hi?"
Hummels sat next to him. All other seats were free, but he chose the one exactly next to Fernando.
"Daniel will be really happy to see you."
He didn't know why he said that, but for a longer moment, an awfully awkward silence appeared.
"I'm sorry, but, do I know you?"
Mats chuckled frantically, "Nah, I don't think so."
Brunet shook his head.
"I'm Daniel's friend."
He shook his head again.
"I was with him the night it happened."
And Mats realized that saying it might have been a mistake. Maybe this guy would flood him with questions and he would be trapped and forced to answer all of them. But somehow, none of it happened. The guy was silent, staring blankly at the Daniel's room door.
"Good," a quick pause. "That means he wasn't alone."
Mats didn't expect to hear this.
"You can go inside and visit him."
"I know," he responded quickly. "I just, I don't think I'm ready."
Mats took a fairly big sip of his coffee, "If you're waiting for this moment to come, you're going to wait forever. It's never going to happen. You just have to go in there and pretend it's nothing you haven't seen before."
--
Daniel was sitting on his bed. For a past couple of days he forced himself to change positions, as after two weeks of practically lying all the time, his body started to get muzzy and languid. He thought about walking with the help of crutches, but doctors advised him to keep it easy for another week, due to the cuts on his back. Though the wounds were healing properly, they sometimes almost burned with pain, when Daniel did bunch of few complicated moves. So if he wanted to go somewhere, Grace (his favorite nurse), helped him getting on the wheel-chair and despite Daniel's reluctant groans, she accompanied him everywhere. Just in case.
This time, he was sitting on his bed, with both of his legs stretched out on the mattress. He didn't know, what to do with himself, so he just observed his feet fingers. He could barely see them on his right leg, as the plaster cast went from under his knee, till the half of his feet. Still, observing anything was kind of difficult and even though the swelling around his eye went down and his vision got much better, the right side of his face was awfully bruised. The last time, he saw himself in the mirror, after the usual evening shower, his skin on that side of his cheek, was a mix of two colors. Dark violet and grass-green. After giving it a thought, he realized they didn't suit him well.
Quiet knocking.
"Come in," he blurted out, not even looking at the door.
Nurses rarely knocked, and when it came to Mats, Daniel could hear him before he even went inside of the room. But he would never think, it could be someone else standing by the door.
"Hi."
He stared at him. Astonished. Daniel didn't say a word. He just turned his head, to look at the empty pillboxes. He thought that maybe one of the nurses switched his regular painkillers for something strong enough to provoke hallucinations. But no. Fernando was real. Maybe a bit pale, tired. His hair were much longer, than when he last saw him. They were brown. He adored this color.
"Hi."
He said finally. With every passing minute, his heart was beating faster.
"I," Nando started, still standing closer to the door, than to Daniel's bed "just," he didn't know what to say. "Sophie left me a message few days ago saying you were brought here after the accident and that … God, you look terrible."
Daniel curved his lips in a crooked smile, not turning his gaze away from Fernando. "Thank you," his voice was sarcastic. "Actually, this is better."
Fernando moved closer by few steps, looking around the small room. Then he grabbed the chair and brought it closer to the bed. Silence crept in, broke only by few loud exhales.
"I don't know what I'm doing here, so please, don't ask me about it," Fernando said with a calm voice, glaring at Daniel with visible worry marking on his face.
Agger didn't say anything.
"And I met your friend over there," he pointed a finger in door's direction. "That's funny, because you've never told me about him."
For a moment, Daniel even forgot about Captain's existence and when Fernando mentioned his person, Agger felt quite taken aback.
"But I guess, I should be used to it," Nando turned his gaze on Daniel's bruised face. "You've never told me about anything."
His voice was a bit bitter and sad, though Daniel wasn't upset with him. He haven't seen him for far too long, to just get angry with him, for telling the truth.
"And I'm mad at you, you know,"
Fernando kept on talking, but that didn't surprise Daniel. This voice sounded so familiar and even though he was in pain, and was tired, suddenly, reality became just a little bit better place to be.
"Because that wasn't a first time. You doing stupid things. And I have told you to stay away from trouble countless number of time, but you never listened," and his voice didn't seem to be irritated, only quiet and calm, most of all sad. "And you're so fucking lucky Daniel," he shook his head with disbelief. "So lucky, to always get away with that," and in a moment when Agger wanted to break in, Fernando said, "and what if the next time you're not going to be so lucky? Have you thought about it?"
The way he said his name, made Agger realize, how badly he missed him.
"I have," he responded with quite a remorseful tone. Daniel delicately lowered his head, not wanting Fernando to stare at him all the time. He was scared that, the more he will look at him, there is a bigger probability, Daniel will just blurt out a stupid "You're so beautiful". And that seemed to be out of line.
The silence after those two words, was so weird and even uncomfortable, that none of them were able to look at each other. What they were supposed to do now? Start talking about what happened? Hug? Go out for a walk?
"How long are you going stay here?"
Agger wanted to know. He wanted to know, so he would be able to prepare for the day, when he will have to say goodbye again. What if Fernando says he came only for the day? Or two? That he has to get back to Europe, because there is someone waiting for him and would like to see him, as fast, as he could? Well, Daniel survived this many times and surely he would made through the another break-up, but this time, he didn't want to pretend, like he's not giving a damn about it. Telling himself that the people you love, you have to let them go. Surely there was a lot of truth in this statement, but this truth never gave Daniel happiness. Maybe when it comes to people we love, maybe it's better if we fight for them as long as we can? Daniel never tried, but if he had so much of stupid luck, maybe it's time to take advantage of it?
"I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet."
That was a good answer, right? It meant there wasn't anyone waiting for him. That Fernando wasn't in rush to get back to someone.
"And what about Sophie? Is she coming as well?"
"Yes," he responded quickly. "She told me over the phone that she's going to come as soon as she finishes her new case."
Daniel gave him a questioning look.
"She didn't tell you?"
Agger nodded his head.
"She recently started working for a law firm in London. Dropped her position in MAYN due to this awful break-up with Gerrard."
Hearing the names and thinking about the world Daniel thought he's no longer a part of, he felt quite sad.
"What's with this fucking London anyway?," he asked and his tone became suddenly weirdly bitter. "There's nothing special about this city."
Before Fernando responded, few more minutes passed.
"You're right," and when it seemed like this is all he had to say about this, he added, "It only makes you realize your heart belongs somewhere else."
--
Next day Fernando came straight in the morning. He wasn't tired, but smiley. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, which he kept sipping on. There was something weirdly pleasurable in watching him, as he was sitting across Daniel's bed, texting someone back, drinking his coffee, looking so casually. Daniel always thought, that Nando looked dashing in his official outfits, but a simple, white, v-neck t-shirt he was wearing right now, brought out his a bit darker than usual skin tone and as the neckline was a bit lower, Daniel could see the freckles around his collarbones. He adored the freckles.
"Stop staring at me," Nando said, while still writing a text. Daniel smiled widely, but turned his head away, glancing at the view spreading out behind the window.
"And now you're not going to look at me even when I will speak?"
Daniel kept on smiling, but at the same time, not looking at Fernando. When the Spaniard wanted to say something, the door loudly opened and the nurse came in. Agger immediately noticed it was Grace. The one, who always changed his back's dressing.
"Good morning, mr Agger!" and so here she came, "Oh, you have a new visitor? That's lovely!
Daniel smiled awkwardly and nodded his head.
"My name is Grace and I'm a nurse here."
"As if he wouldn't figure," Daniel thought, but he smiled anyway, thinking it's simply the way she is.
"I'm Fernando," he replied, smiling quite shyly.
"So, mr Agger, how do you feel today?"
"Good," he quickly said back, lifting up, only to quicken the entire process of changing the dressing.
"Can you believe that's all he's always saying?" she turned her head to Fernando and all of them could hear the slight of uproar mixed with disbelief in her voice, "No, sorry, one day he said, he's feeling better. One day!"
Fernando started laughing. At first because of what she said and how surprised she was with his reticence, but then he saw Daniel rolling his eyes at every word, so Nando was laughing even more. And surely he would laugh longer, but Grace busied herself with unpacking the bandages and Daniel slowly took off his shirt. And seeing the tattoos after such a long time felt almost as if seeing them for the first time. It always took his breath away. Even for few, meaningless seconds. They were incredible.
So Fernando stared shamelessly at them and maybe if he knew Daniel was watching him, he wouldn't do this, but Agger had his head lowered, his lips clenched and his eyes locked on the white sheets, so Fernando went unnoticed. And he wished for few more minutes, but as the nurse was well skilled on this matter, soon Daniel was taking the shirt on and Grace gathered the empty packages in one hand and threw it all to the bin. Before she moved further from Daniel's bed, she took a long glance at his hand and asked,
"What does the YNWA stands for?"
She didn't look away. "I'm familiar with the latin quote and the others are just graphics and this one looks like holding a meaning," the room was completely quiet, "I'm asking out of pure curiosity, if you don't want to say, you don't have to."
And before Daniel could answer, Fernando said, "You will never walk alone."
She turned her head to him.
"I'm sorry?"
"You asked what the tattoo means and I said: You will never walk alone. That's what it means."
She made a very surprised face, while raising an eyebrow, then looked at his hand one last time, "Oh, that's quite something."
Then, while still being quite taken aback with this information, she slowly left the room, with her trolley.
As Grace found herself behind the closed door, Fernando noticed Daniel's face and asked, "What?"
"I never told you about the meaning."
Nando smiled, "But you have lived in Liverpool for far too long, for me to not figure it out."
Daniel nodded his head. And when he saw Fernando looking him straight in the face for quite some time, he said with a large grin, "Stop staring at me."
--
Next day they spent together. The other one as well. And even though there were silent moments, they kept on talking. Fernando told him all about his recovery process routine, visiting his family in Madrid, getting back to Liverpool, making over his apartment. Daniel sometimes broke in with the stories from New York corporation. About David, projects, new group he was managing. Currently he didn't know if there's anything he would able to get back to, but he wasn't miserable about it. Maybe it's time to move on? And start doing something different?
Daniel knew that somewhere between those talks, silence and chaotic outburst of laugh, there was a very unpleasant territory they will sooner or later step into. Fernando not even once asked Daniel why did he find himself in a hospital. He didn't ask about the circumstances, about those people, about what was the reason. Maybe he thought that this time, it was like every other time. And that would be convienient. Agger realized that if he would like to, he could lie about it all and Nando would never know. But he couldn't do such thing. At the same time though, he couldn't bring himself to tell him the truth. How would he do it? For this story to make sense, he would have to dig deep inside his past, open the healed wounds, pull out the truth. But would it make sense? Captain haven't visited Daniel for three days and Agger hoped maybe he will never come back again. Maybe he saw Fernando somewhere on the hallway, recognized him from the picture he saw once and came to realization that there's nothing holding him here anymore. Explaining the accident to Fernando - that could be quite easy. But trying to explain, who Captain was to him, that wasn't as easy as it seemed to be. He would have to say everything. And what if he wasn't brave enough for that? He was afraid of getting back to the past. Looking at Fernando, as he's so freely spending his time with him, sometimes not doing anything at all, sometimes reading, sometimes watching television, sometimes eating. Daniel was afraid to risk it all for what? For coming clean? Was it worth is? Would Fernando understand? Maybe in all this, Daniel wasn't looking for understanding. Only for someone to listen to him talking. And few times, in moment of silence, he really did want to talk. And sometimes even, he saw Fernando wanting to ask. But it never really happened and if it did, they quickly wandered off the subject, coming up with something easy and new. And maybe Captain would never come. Till that time Daniel was save. But he knew this wasn't fair.
--
The fifth day of his stay, Fernando managed to take Daniel out for a walk. At first Agger insisted he's not leaving the hospital on a wheel-chair, but then as he walked on crutches from bed to the door, he quickly changed his mind, choosing the more comfortable option.
"You know, I figured, if you start behaving bad, I might as well push you down the hill and pretend like it was an accident."
Fernando was smiling tauntingly, while pushing Daniel's wheel-chair.
"Oh, I see, you're trying to be funny today."
After that, Fernando grin widened.
"But it's working!"
Daniel sighed heavily, letting himself be the grumpy guy.
"You actually smiled few times today."
Daniel smiled even once again, but only because, Fernando couldn't see him.
"It's because they're giving me really good pills."
Fernando laughed loudly, tousling Daniel's hair. He couldn't explain, why he suddenly did that, especially, when he didn't let himself touch him anytime earlier, but somehow in this moment it felt right and natural.
Warm, afternoon sun lightened up the large, hospital's courtyard. Palms, awfully green grass and long, bendy driveways made it all look like an exclusive resort rather than medical post. Patients along with their caretakers were taking advantage of the insanely beautiful weather. It was Miami after all. When it came to Daniel, he was blinking his eyes, not used to such amount of sun, after almost those three weeks in hospital. They found one bench in a shadow of a large tree. Fernando sat down, whereas Daniel just drove closer. They didn't say anything for next few minutes, just savoring the smell of flowers, fresh air and simply beautiful weather. Something so rare in rainy Liverpool.
"Where is your friend? I haven't seen him around for the past few days."
He was waiting for this moment to come, because he knew it would come. Four days. Fernando lasted four days without asking questions. As for him, Daniel thought it's quite a lot.
"To be honest," he started, "I don't know. He has a way of disappearing in most crucial moments. Then coming back, when you least expect him to."
That was good, right? It wasn't the one word or two word response. It was actually a full one. Quite mysterious, but still.
"How do you know him? Is he someone you met in New York? Like a close friend, or, uhmm, someone random? From here?"
Daniel almost smiled. He perfectly knew what a word "random" means in Fernando's dictionary. It meant: "Is he someone you met at a club, dragged home and fucked the entire night?".
"No," he responded calmly, he took a deep breath, "I know him since high-school."
Fernando made that surprised face, as if he was stunned by a fact that Daniel went to high-school or that he even had friends in high-school.
"Wow," he couldn't help it, "You must have been really good friends, if you stayed in touch through all the years."
That was so typical. The way Fernando tried to trick him into talking. And usually Daniel putted him off with the irked responses, but this time he was aware, that this is one of those situations in which, you have to say to yourself: it's now or never.
"Kind of."
And all the good intentions went back to the exit point. He focused. Took a longer breath. It's just Fernando. But he was indeed afraid of something. Rejection? Judgmental looks?
"You don't wanna talk about it?"
It was rather a stupid question. Was Daniel ever into talking about anything? But suddenly he realized that maybe, if he wanted to make pacts with his past, he had to get back to it, open the wounds once again, admit to everything he used run away from and maybe then it will be easier to move on.
"I do wanna talk about it," he confessed with difficulty. "It's just that talking is hard. Or maybe, it only seems to be hard. I don't know where to start. Because there are so many things I would like to say. And I don't know if I would make myself clear enough, for you to understand."
"Don't think about me right now. Well, I'll be listening, but, just be honest. You were always good at that, remember? Just start talking and it will come your way. The words, I mean."
Silence.
"So, tell me something about your past."
Silence.
"Did you plan it?" he asked quite nervously, "To take me out, slowly start asking questions. Is this how you wanted it to be?"
Fernando opened his eyes in shock. "I haven't planned it for God's sake, Daniel. I'm curious. You never told me about anything and I think it's time you finally do."
That was truth.
"You don't have to of course, but how do you expect me to get completely involved in this relationship, if you're not going to talk to me?"
Relationship. That's how they call each other nowadays? Suddenly, they are in a relationship?
"Excuse me, but the last time we saw each other, you wasn't really into that relationship thing, you know?"
Daniel couldn't help this tone voice.
"And as far as I remember, you didn't want to listen to all that I had to say to you."
That was truth either.
"I made a mistake."
Daniel snickered ironically. "It wasn't a first time you did."
"Look Daniel, I'm sorry. I fucked up. I was scared. But it suddenly looks like you forgot about all the times you pushed me away as well. So, to be honest, you made a lot of mistakes too."
"Oh, I see, so now we're going to argue who have made more mistakes and therefore should be punished," his voice was sharp and bitter. Even though, he didn't raise his tone that much, but the way he was talking, it was full of pain and sadness.
After a minute, Fernando said, "Sorry. I didn't mean it to sound that way."
Few moments passed before Daniel said anything, and when he finally opened his mouth to say something, his voice was almost inaudible, "It's okay."
Well, it maybe wasn't okay, but Daniel refused to be drawn into stupid fights. They maybe weren't equally guilty, but trying to prove who was more, seemed like an idiotic idea.
And when it seemed like they're stuck in a dead point, Fernando suddenly blurted out, "You're pushing me away every time I want you to let me in. I asked you a simple question, "Tell me something about your past", and you could have said "I used to listen to Bon Jovi when I was in my early twenties" but instead you shut down, as I would ask you about murdering a dozen of people. You don't have to confess your entire life to me. But just start somewhere."
Daniel swallowed loudly. But he remembered what Captain used to tell him: go big or go home.
One more moment. He had to pull his thoughts together somehow.
"My past. Nothing that would find your approval. Or so I think."
"Why?"
Fernando could have add a bunch of things, but instead, he tried not ruining it all.
"I don't know where to start."
"Where you feel like."
"I don't feel like starting anywhere, but you made some good points and I think, it's finally a right time. Or maybe the time would never be right, but you have to man up at some point of your life, right? Can't just keep running away all the time, because it doesn't bring you any closer to feeling better about yourself."
He made a pause. He wished for a cigarette.
"Feeling better about yourself. That's something I've always struggled with. And it feels like hitting a maximum of embarrassment to talk about it now. You know, I'm a 28 year old guy, always cocky, always independent, always despised by any kind of affection and now I'm acting like the lousy opposite of what I have always represented. I'm on a wheel-chair, unable to do most of the basic things on my own. And to add up, now I'm giving you the "low self-esteem" talk. On the other hand though, it can't get any worse, right?
He smiled and after a moment he saw Fernando was smiling as well. The Spaniard didn't directly glance at him; his gaze was kind of wandering from the grass, palms, other people. He only gave Daniel side-way glances from time to time.
"I was a very pretentious teenager. Seventeen and drowning in sadness. Then eighteen and being a junkie. Nineteen might have had some highlights, but it was a fuckery nonetheless. And now, almost a decade later, I still don't know who I have to blame. Maybe it's time to move on and accept life as it was. Do not look for a guilty one, because even if I would find one, what would I do? Would it give me my life back? Or at least, that period of my life? No. But when you ask me about my past and the question comes along again, I can't run away from finding the answer."
He took a deep breath. His memories were wandering to the high-school times. Though it was easier for him to talk without having to look Fernando straight in the eyes, he often tried to exchange a glance.
"They said I was depressed, anxious, suffering from a low self-esteem, addicted to drugs, unable to socialize. At last, even my homosexuality was taken as an illness. Funny, right?"
Humorless chuckle was supposed to lighten up the atmosphere. But his voice was calm, as if unruffled with his confession. Sometimes only he noticed how Fernando's eyes widen in shock.
"But as overwhelming as this sounds, I was just simply doing bad. I guess it happens to a lot of people, right? And a lot of teenagers as well. When you question your life, your choices, your friends. Using future as an escape from the reality. Buying drugs to distract you from boredom. Spending a lot of money, because you have to cheer yourself up. Doing all this to prevent going crazy. I don't know what they have told you, because I'm aware of how fucked up my medical documentation is and may appear to you. You didn't know about this all, because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know. But how long you can pretend that nothing happened? And that this nothing haven't changed you into a messed up kind of person? Maybe this is an excuse. Maybe I wasn't good person to begin with."
"That's not true," Fernando quickly opposed. "You're not a bad person. You've only made some bad decisions, that doesn't make you a bad person."
"Maybe."
Daniel gave him only a crooked smile.
He had to make a longer pause only to catch up with his thoughts.
"One of my shrinks said that I feel this bad, because my parents never loved me and I have strong intimacy issues thanks to that. The moment he said this, it haunt me on and on. I never thought about myself as an unloved child. Well, later I did. But not till that moment. I always saw my parents through the eyes of a thankful kid. Maybe abandoned at some times. Crucial times. But still sort of thankful. I had shit loads of money. I had all the fancy things. I wanted to go to New York for a weekend, so I went. I wanted to spend my summer in Cannes, I did that. I wanted to play tennis? I played. I wanted to play football? I played. "What do you want Danny?"" he faked his mothers voice, "And then I had it. Only later I realized, the only thing I didn't have was my parents love. I didn't see it like that at first, though. I thought I must have been doing something wrong. Like failing exams, getting into fights, loosing a match, being caught up by police, You know, not being a perfect kid. Or at least, not living up to the idea of your parents perfect kid and I thought maybe if I wouldn't fail all the time, maybe then they would show some bits of affection, but somehow they didn't."
Daniel smiled, though it was difficult to call it that way.
"I was raised by nannies and I thought that's pretty normal. I thought all kids are raised by nannies. And that the natural state is, when your parents don't have time for you because they're all busy living a different life. Life in which you, as their kid, do not exist. But that was normal to me. All of my friends had it kinda the same, that's why we got along so well. That's why Captain is here today...
… Mats, I mean."
It felt weird calling him by his name.
"This friend? Why do you call him Captain?"
"That's how everyone called him. He was the captain of our football team."
Pause.
"I didn't know you played football professionally."
He felt stupid saying that, because, it only made him realize how little does he know. And how in fact, he knows nothing.
"Yeah, I did," smiling shyly "I wouldn't say there was anything professional about my game, but at least, I didn't get into fights that much, as I practically smashed everyone on the field," a simple chuckle, "I played as a defender."
"I figured"
Fernando smiled, while trying to imagine Daniel as a player.
"About Captain, or Mats," Spaniard cleared his throat, "You never even mentioned him and suddenly he's in a hospital, spending time with you and I'm sorry if that sounds impolite, but who the hell is he?"
Daniel was afraid of this question, but somehow he knew it would come. Fernando is not an idiot. He must have been thinking about it. Then, how to answer his question? How to explain everything Captain was to him, yet everything he wasn't? But he had to be honest.
"That's difficult to explain - "
Nando sighed, as that was the answer he expected to hear and at the same time the answer that disappointed him the most.
" - because for a long time I thought I love him,"
There. He said it. He finally did. And it was the truth. The painful one, the one that takes you aback and shakes you inside and it made Fernando feel awful and jealous. Jealous, because Daniel never said a word like this about him.
" - but I was a stupid kid back then. What did I know about love? I didn't know anything. I don't even know a thing about it now. I might have been temporarily in love with him. Or admired him at some point. Or was simply thankful, that he saved me from my destructive, lonely ways and brought me into worse, but that's not love, right?"
Fernando didn't want to answer that.
"He's very handsome though."
He finally was able to say something and maybe that was stupid in comparing, to how honest and quite touching Daniel's confession was, but it was the only thing Nando remembered about this guy.
"He is. I know," Agger took a deep breath "But that doesn't change a fact I could never be with him."
"Why?"
"Because he brings out the worst in me," Daniel's voice was calm, reassured, "He is very destructive in a long run. Besides, we hated each other. We did. He treated me, as a victim, and I was stupid enough to let him do it. But you know, he actually payed attention to me. That was weird for me back that time, since everyone acted like I'm a nonexistent back-up character, and I preferred his craziness and asshole-ish ways over the pithiness some people gave me. And at some point we actually started to get along."
He made a pause.
"He was the first person, who gave me drugs. Who went racing with me. Who did gambling with me. You know, he sort of introduced me to the wild world. I wasn't miserable anymore. I was going down the road of destruction and I loved it," he exhaled loudly, "He even was the first guy, who I had sex with."
After the last piece of information both of them went silent. It was hard to tell, how long it stayed that way.
"So, what happened Daniel?" Fernando didn't want to sound angry, be he couldn't help it, "What made you a seemingly normal person? Where did the paths diverged? Why did you go to college, started working on your own? Behave like you're one of those people, who are there, struggling, to have it all one day? You had it all. Why did you gave up on that?" and then he said something, he didn't mean to say, but he already started his melancholic monologue and couldn't bring himself to stop, "Why didn't you stay in your own, little world, with your fancy things and your sad life and your rich friends and even richer boyfriend?"
But Daniel wasn't angry about it. Fernando had all the rights to say it out loud. He only chose the harsh way, but that was the truth.
"This is the tricky part."
He started, but Fernando was way too angry to accept this answer, "For fuck's sake Daniel, tell me. Don't bullshit me here."
Daniel nodded his head.
"Captain, well, he's just a part of my past. Like Sergio is a part of yours. I didn't like him, just as you may not like Mats -"
"It's not that I don't like him," he broke in. "I only feel excluded. I feel like a, as you said, a nonexistent back-up character. You both probably have your talks, and memories and obviously you fit together. In a way, we never did"
Before Daniel said anything, he was silent for few minutes. "What do you mean?"
"You may be rivals fighting against each other, but one can't live without the other"
"No, that's what I have always thought about us."
"We were different, Daniel. I made a lot of decisions based on what you have decided to reveal to me and my decisions were often wrong. I always knew there was something unusual about you. It can be sensed. The way you never talked about your parents, or how little did Sophie knew about you as a person. How you always protected your privacy and never let me truly in. Not even when I was fighting leukemia. Not even when I needed it the most. Not your help or a kind word, but the fact that I belonged to your world. That I meant something. And look how many chances you had to open up. When we were drunk or high. When you were in hospital with me. When I was at your place for those few days. You had the chance to come up to me and say "Look, Fernando, I have something to tell you" and even if not then, you could have told me right before when you were leaving for New York."
Fernando took a long, deep breath and exhaled quickly. His gaze wandering, hands quickly gesturing. Anger pouring in.
"And I feel bad for you. Because no one deserves to be treated like this. And money is never a good excuse, but you're right, you don't need my pity, you don't need me hanging over your shoulder and patting your back. This is not what I'm about. I'm just upset, Daniel. Because this is a part of you, you tried to hide away from me. For all those years, letting it be a major obstacle between us. And you knew this is it and you still kept it to yourself. I realize you might have had some problems with talking, socializing, being open to people and I understand that telling me this now is a big step for you. I appreciate it. But how could you think, I would turn my back on you, only because you have a fucked up past? Maybe a stranger would do that, someone who doesn't give a shit about you, but I did. And you knew it even when I perfectly played out the "this is only sex" role. You knew that when I left for London it wasn't because an offer was better, but because I had to run away from you always pushing me away. From you claiming that I mean nothing to you. I was in love with you like I was never in love with anyone else and you knew. You knew all the time. Yet, you kept me on distance."
Another pause.
"And what hurts me about you and Mats, it's even though he's probably an egoistic prick, a junkie and a total asshole, you still trust him more than me. Because what, he has the same money status as you? Because he knew what you're capable of and instead of dragging you out of this shit, he pushed you further in? Because he wasn't despised by your insecurities and flaws?"
His voice was crushing, head lowered, gaze stuck on Daniel's face. "Then fucking wake up! Because I was there too! All the time! I put up with your shit never asking a thing, I didn't judge you, I stood by you, I tried protecting you, I led out my hand to you and even if you turned me down, I was always there! I fucking came back for you from Liverpool and I know you knew about it! And it fucking hurts me that you never, never went after me. Not the first time I left. And not the second time, right before you left for New York."
Daniel felt really bad, incapable of saying a thing. He wanted to hug him and say he's sorry. He's so fucking sorry. Probably blurt out he's and idiot and he's so sorry. But he didn't move. He was frozen. Somehow the accusations, as much as they felt well deserved, they didn't seem to be quite true. To him.
"And sure, you were there with me, when I was fighting cancer. And I will always be grateful for that. Always. But when the chance of you loosing me forever went away, you got back to normal. And don't try telling me otherwise."
Silence, long, painful silence.
"And you probably don't see it the way I do, but honestly, you and Mats. Maybe you two fit together perfectly."
"Stop saying that."
"It's hard for me to accept that, trust me, but the way you just talked about him. You seem like you don't even like him at first, that he's completely irrelevant, but there is a part of you that will always belong to him. He shaped you Daniel, whether you like it or not, and that's huge."
"I was a teenager back then and I needed someone. And he came along. And I gave in, yes, that's true, and he was important and maybe still is, but don't you even dare trying to us that against me!"
"I'm not using it against you. I'm saying maybe you should work it out with him. Not me. Maybe I was the wrong option"
"That's fucking bullshit! I don't wanna work it out with him! I hate myself around him! He reminds me of everything that I used to be. And I was just like him, Fernando. I was egoistic, I was a junkie, I was heartless. I fucking left my closest friends for my own convenience!"
"What are you talking about?"
"There was an accident. I didn't mean to do anything wrong. It just fucking happened. Me and my friend Martin were brought to hospital. I was doing fine after few weeks, but he had his spine broken. Doctors said they give him a chance and that after few operations it will be possible that he might even walk again. And we were all in four. Me, Captain, Nicklas and Martin. We did the crazy shit together. I promised them that we're all in this. Together. But not even half a year later I left. I moved out to England. For college. For the fucking seemingly normal life as you said."
Daniel looked Fernando straight in the eyes.
"So you see. This is who I am around him. I'm the shittiest kind of person you can probably be. And I know, it happened almost ten years ago. And probably I have changed. Maybe I'm a better person. I didn't leave you on your own, right? At least not during the fighting process. And you always asked me why I hate Sergio so much. Yeah, I hated him because you were close at one time and I admit, I was jealous. But when he was backing off every time you got worse, I saw myself in him. I saw the same fucking coward I was, when I was younger."
"And maybe blaming my shit behavior on Captain isn't a very mature choice, but he was always there. Always proposing an easy way out. Always seducing me with an option of comfortable life. And even then, with Martin, he said something like 'your life isn't wasted Danny, you should pack your things and go. Get the hell out of here.'"
"So that's what I did."
"And you say I had many chances to open up. And you're right. I had. And by far we've come now, I realized that talking about feelings isn't as scary as it seemed. But how could you expect me to just grab you by the arm and have a nice, little chat over a tea or coffee or a drink, about how messed up my teenage years were? What should I say? Just brag about it, like it's something cool? Where should I start? With mailing you my entire medical documentations and pointing out all the shit I snorted and all the crack I smoked? And then go about how I spent thousands of euro's on booze and hookers? And to justify my behavior say I was one of those unloved and spoiled rich kids? This is fucking pathetic, Fernando. And embarrassing. Especially when you had your perfect past: a football star, scholarships, loving family, a brilliant career later on. Everyone loved you right from the fucking start. And I was the complete opposite."
"Even your mother fucking hated me from the very beginning and I didn't even have a chance to baffle her with my brilliant social skills."
Humorless chuckle once again left his throat.
"Daniel," Fernando was dead serious, "You told her to shut up."
"Once! And only God knows how I struggled not to say it at least a million times."
Quiet laugh. Fernando was smiling. It was an odd view, especially when taking by the circumstances, but somehow they both felt, like there are no more words that could hurt them. They said the truth. Both of them. The only thing left to do, was to make a decision.
"You're forgiven," Nando moved closer and delicately touched his arm.
"Am I forgiven for the rest?"
Daniel's question was sincere, yet full of doubts. What if the answer is 'no' and he wouldn't be able to ever change it?
"I don't know, Daniel. "
"Do you want us to try again?"
"I don't know."
"I realize I don't deserve you and you can do thousand times better than me, I know it. We've made that clear. But I need you."
Daniel never thought that saying it would be so easy. Waiting for the answer was a bit harder, but he realized that, there's nothing more to loose. He said all the awful things, it's time to say some nice as well.
"I missed you so much."
It was probably the first time he said that.
"I don't want to trick you into promising me something or manipulate you, but honestly I can't imagine not having a chance to see you again. Ever. Not talk to you. I know, it's hard when we're together. But it's even worse, when we're not. And I will work on my awful ways. And I will even learn to cook. I will."
Fernando smiled. Daniel thought it so good to simply see him smiling.
"And I'm aware that right now I'm not looking quite appealing. With this shit on my leg, and this wheel-chair and a walk pace of a 85 years old grandpa, but it will get better. And we can go out for a date even."
"Look Daniel, I need to think about it."
"Okay."
"Just... I need some time."
"But you're not saying no, right?"
"No, I'm not saying no."