Jan's Journal (Part 2/?)
Title: Jan’s Journal (Part 2/?)
Pairing: M/J
Words: 1,962
Rating: PG-13-R (for language)
Summary: Jan started keeping a journal. Advised by her therapist Dr. Perry.
Note: What’s fun about this fic, to me, is since there’s not a whole lot of direction in HOW Jan is writing in her journal, is you can kind of read it in your own way and have fun with it that way. Sort of like there’s not really a WRONG way she MAY be expressing her ‘feelings’. I guess a lot fan fictions are like that…
4:50pm
“I’m gonna kill him! I’m seriously going to kill that man!!! UGH!!! I am so infuriated with him! I’m writing so damn hard in this journal that I’m going to go through it! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs! But since Michael shares fucking walls with people, I can’t! Okay…okay Jan, just breath (I’m taking a deep breath) okay. By the way, I’m not mad at Michael. Surprised? Me too! Actually I just got off the phone with my wonderful ex! There’s that sarcasm again. He apparently wants to SUE me! He says that he want’s the wedding ring back. I gave the ring back to him before our divorce was even final! He claims that I never gave it to him…calling me a fucking lying bitch!!! Why the FUCK would I want that damn memory of him. He said I probably pawned it or something. Which he made it clear that he’ll bring it up to the judge. Also he asked me where I was living now. Like I’m going to tell him? No way in hell would I let him know where I live. He said I should just tell him because he’ll find out either way! God! I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do! I don’t have the goddamn ring! Alright well, I have to try and not think about this…Michael’s supposed to be home pretty soon, and we’re going to dinner at his mom’s. Still a little nervous, but I’m so angry that I can’t really think about being nervous. I don’t think that I can tell Michael about this whole situation. He doesn’t really need to know. I’m probably just making this into more than it is anyways. If I told him, he’ll want to go into hiding or something. Lately his answer to everything is to go to Jamaica. Just the other day I was looking for something to eat, and didn’t really find anything that I wanted and Michael said ‘do you know where they have food? Jamaica! Let’s go!’ So, I don’t know, I think I’ll tell him. I guess he kind of deserves to know, I just don’t want him to worry. I don’t even really know if I feel like going out tonight…I already know that I won’t be able to forget about this like I want to! Richard is just such a jackass! He knows that I’m with Michael and he says that he’s only with me, because of how easy I am! And that he can get ‘it’ anytime he wants…what a fucker right? I’m sorry about the language, but I have to say it is kind of relieving my anger. Well Michael is just pulling up the drive-way…”
Jan stands up to greet him at the door.
He walks in, “Hey!”
“Hi!” She can’t help but look at him with sad eyes. She wraps her arms around him and hugs him tightly.
This surprises Michael, “whoa…hey.” he hugs back. He can sense something’s not right. Tries to back away to make sure she’s okay but she just keeps hugging him. “Jan, what’s wrong?” She doesn’t say anything…she actually crying softly on his shoulder. “Jan are you okay?” She shakes her head against his shoulder. He backs away firmly to look at her and takes her arms, “What? What is it? Look I’m sorry that I was late by a minute or 2...I should’ve called.”
“I’m not mad at you Michael. I’m sorry…” She wipes a tear away. “How was your day?”
“Forget about me. I want to know what’s wrong…come here…” he walks her over to the couch with his hand on the lower part of her back, “you sit right here…I wanna hear everything. I’m going to go grab Kleenex.” He goes away for a minute and comes back, “I’m sorry I didn’t have any Kleenex, but here’s toilet paper.” Hands some to her
“Thanks…” She sniffs and takes it…he just waits for her to start telling him what’s wrong, “Richard called me today…I literally JUST got off the phone with him like 8 minutes ago.”
He nods his head as if now he understands why she’s so upset, “Aw…what did he have to say?”
“He’s planning on suing me. Says that he wants the wedding ring back.”
“And he’s mad because you won’t give it back to him?”
Frustrated, but not at Michael, “I gave the fucking ring back to him Michael, but he’s trying to make my life a living hell and claims that I never gave it back.”
“Did you tell him to look up his ass?”
“Yeah…except I may have thrown in a few other words as well. Why the HELL would I want that stupid memory of him? Sure, I could’ve pawned it, but even then, whatever I would’ve bought with that money, it would still be a memory of his dumb ass!”
“Why can’t he just leave you alone? Why does he feel the need to harass you? You guys have been divorced for what? Over a year now? Two?”
Sarcastically, “Oh I don’t know? Maybe business has been slow? He has nothing else to do. You know what the funny thing is? He expects me to tell him where I’m living now after just getting done calling me a fucking lying bitch!”
Gets upset, “Okay! I’ve heard enough…we have to get out of here…” He gets up, but she grabs his hand and pulls him back down.
“No Michael…we’re not going to Jamaica.” Jan smiles softly.
“But this reason is a real one! It makes sense doesn’t it?” He gets up again and she pulls him down again and takes both of his hands
“Michael..” on the verge of tears, “what am I going to do? If he brings this to court, then…”
Jumps in, “Jan! The man has no case here.”
Worried, “You think so?”
“I know so! Think about it…that ring, whether you still have it or not, is rightfully yours. You didn’t have to give it back at all. He gave it to you!”
“But I didn’t feel right keeping it.”
“Exactly. Just, you have nothing to worry about.”
She gives him a soft kiss, and smiles, “Thank-you…”
“Sure…any time.” There’s a period of silence, “So are ya ready to meet my mom?” He stands up.
Nods, “Yeah…” He grabs her hand and she stands up as well, “…and if she’s anything like you Michael…I can’t wait to meet her.” She genuinely means that.
Smiles, “Well guess who I got my sense of humor from?”
“I want to say your mother, but that sounds like such an easy answer…” She smiles. Michael gives her a kiss, reassuring her that everything is going to be okay, Jan’s the one to break the kiss, “hmmm…so who do you get your kissing from?”
“Um…the dog.” He laughs.
She glares at him first with a smile on her face and she swats him on the arm playfully, “Shut-up.” She laughs.
“Jan? Will you do me a favor?”
“Sure anything.”
“Will you laugh more often?”
Slightly laughs, “What do you mean?”
“Your laugh. Its just music to my ears. I love it when you laugh…you should do it more often.”
“Well I’ll see what I can do.”
Later…1:00am, Michael is sleeping and Jan on her side of the bed writing in her journal before she goes to bed.
‘Well tonight turned out to be a pretty good night. Aside from the fact that I had to deal with my ex, I got to meet Michael’s mom. All I can say is ‘Wow! Where to start?’ Lol (I just learned what ‘lol’ means tonight from Michael, so I‘ll probably be using it a lot) Anyways, Michael’s mom was so…I can’t even describe her. She’s just sooo so sweet. She’s probably the nicest lady ever. She’s so cute. Before Michael even introduced us…she practically ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug, which I now know where Michael get’s his bear hugs from…lol. She told me that all Michael ever does is talk about me and that she was so excited to finally meet me. Right then and there I forgot why I was even nervous. She put me at ease. Then Michael pretended to be all embarrassed, but I know he was loving every minute of his mother and my getting along. The reason I think I was so nervous, in the first place, was I was worried that we were going to run out of things to talk about and then there’d be those awkward pauses. But that did NOT happen at all…Michael’s mother had so much to talk about and so many questions…and believe me I had a LOT of questions as well. It came to the point where Michael had to drag us away from each other because it was getting late and he has to work in the morning, which sucks because it’s Saturday tomorrow and he was supposed to be home all day, but there’s some thing going on with Corporate, and he can’t get out of it. I think it’s just going to be a half day or something. Okay now I’m just babbling. Is it weird that for the first time in…9 months (WOW! I just realized that we’ve been together for close to 9 months now!) anyways, is it weird that I JUST felt a REAL connection with him. I mean I knew that there always was my attraction to him…but a connection? For the first time I REALLY felt like a real couple. I’ll be honest, it was such a great feeling. I just smile thinking about it. You’re probably wondering why I don’t love this guy…I guess it’s not really that I don’t love him necessarily, it’s just when it comes to actually SAYING it, it’s hard…I just want to be really sure that I’m in love. Because ‘love’ is such a strong word, obviously not for Michael, but for me? I’ve been through so much and to let myself be head-over-heels for someone hurts me more than you know…more than Michael knows. That might seem really weird that it hurts me to be in love, but it’s how I feel…I can NOT get hurt again…I WON’T get hurt. Last time I was head-over-heels in love was when I was with my pathetic excuse for a husband, Richard. And we all know how that turned out. Richard used to be like Michael, not exactly, but to the point where I couldn’t see myself being with anyone else. He was so kind and gentle and funny… maybe I should be clearer, that was in the 1st year that was with him. I haven’t even been with Michael for a year yet, so maybe that’s what’s putting me back, maybe that’s why I can’t tell him those 3 little words. After that year is up, when you’re already completely devoted to this person, is when they start to change and show their true side, and become really comfortable with you. I don’t know, I could probably go on all night but it IS 2 in the morning and I’m tired. I’m sure I’ll have more to write about tomorrow! In the mean time…let’s just keep this between you and I.’
*I’m sorry if it seemed like Jan was babbling, but it was supposed to be like that. I’ve kept a journal before and your mind can be all over sometimes to where you’re just rambling on and on…I just hope it wasn’t confusing…*Also notice how Jan doesn’t think the journal is really stupid anymore and that she’s finding it somewhat refreshing to express what she’s feeling on paper. * MORE TO COME SOON!!!!
Pairing: M/J
Words: 1,962
Rating: PG-13-R (for language)
Summary: Jan started keeping a journal. Advised by her therapist Dr. Perry.
Note: What’s fun about this fic, to me, is since there’s not a whole lot of direction in HOW Jan is writing in her journal, is you can kind of read it in your own way and have fun with it that way. Sort of like there’s not really a WRONG way she MAY be expressing her ‘feelings’. I guess a lot fan fictions are like that…
4:50pm
“I’m gonna kill him! I’m seriously going to kill that man!!! UGH!!! I am so infuriated with him! I’m writing so damn hard in this journal that I’m going to go through it! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs! But since Michael shares fucking walls with people, I can’t! Okay…okay Jan, just breath (I’m taking a deep breath) okay. By the way, I’m not mad at Michael. Surprised? Me too! Actually I just got off the phone with my wonderful ex! There’s that sarcasm again. He apparently wants to SUE me! He says that he want’s the wedding ring back. I gave the ring back to him before our divorce was even final! He claims that I never gave it to him…calling me a fucking lying bitch!!! Why the FUCK would I want that damn memory of him. He said I probably pawned it or something. Which he made it clear that he’ll bring it up to the judge. Also he asked me where I was living now. Like I’m going to tell him? No way in hell would I let him know where I live. He said I should just tell him because he’ll find out either way! God! I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do! I don’t have the goddamn ring! Alright well, I have to try and not think about this…Michael’s supposed to be home pretty soon, and we’re going to dinner at his mom’s. Still a little nervous, but I’m so angry that I can’t really think about being nervous. I don’t think that I can tell Michael about this whole situation. He doesn’t really need to know. I’m probably just making this into more than it is anyways. If I told him, he’ll want to go into hiding or something. Lately his answer to everything is to go to Jamaica. Just the other day I was looking for something to eat, and didn’t really find anything that I wanted and Michael said ‘do you know where they have food? Jamaica! Let’s go!’ So, I don’t know, I think I’ll tell him. I guess he kind of deserves to know, I just don’t want him to worry. I don’t even really know if I feel like going out tonight…I already know that I won’t be able to forget about this like I want to! Richard is just such a jackass! He knows that I’m with Michael and he says that he’s only with me, because of how easy I am! And that he can get ‘it’ anytime he wants…what a fucker right? I’m sorry about the language, but I have to say it is kind of relieving my anger. Well Michael is just pulling up the drive-way…”
Jan stands up to greet him at the door.
He walks in, “Hey!”
“Hi!” She can’t help but look at him with sad eyes. She wraps her arms around him and hugs him tightly.
This surprises Michael, “whoa…hey.” he hugs back. He can sense something’s not right. Tries to back away to make sure she’s okay but she just keeps hugging him. “Jan, what’s wrong?” She doesn’t say anything…she actually crying softly on his shoulder. “Jan are you okay?” She shakes her head against his shoulder. He backs away firmly to look at her and takes her arms, “What? What is it? Look I’m sorry that I was late by a minute or 2...I should’ve called.”
“I’m not mad at you Michael. I’m sorry…” She wipes a tear away. “How was your day?”
“Forget about me. I want to know what’s wrong…come here…” he walks her over to the couch with his hand on the lower part of her back, “you sit right here…I wanna hear everything. I’m going to go grab Kleenex.” He goes away for a minute and comes back, “I’m sorry I didn’t have any Kleenex, but here’s toilet paper.” Hands some to her
“Thanks…” She sniffs and takes it…he just waits for her to start telling him what’s wrong, “Richard called me today…I literally JUST got off the phone with him like 8 minutes ago.”
He nods his head as if now he understands why she’s so upset, “Aw…what did he have to say?”
“He’s planning on suing me. Says that he wants the wedding ring back.”
“And he’s mad because you won’t give it back to him?”
Frustrated, but not at Michael, “I gave the fucking ring back to him Michael, but he’s trying to make my life a living hell and claims that I never gave it back.”
“Did you tell him to look up his ass?”
“Yeah…except I may have thrown in a few other words as well. Why the HELL would I want that stupid memory of him? Sure, I could’ve pawned it, but even then, whatever I would’ve bought with that money, it would still be a memory of his dumb ass!”
“Why can’t he just leave you alone? Why does he feel the need to harass you? You guys have been divorced for what? Over a year now? Two?”
Sarcastically, “Oh I don’t know? Maybe business has been slow? He has nothing else to do. You know what the funny thing is? He expects me to tell him where I’m living now after just getting done calling me a fucking lying bitch!”
Gets upset, “Okay! I’ve heard enough…we have to get out of here…” He gets up, but she grabs his hand and pulls him back down.
“No Michael…we’re not going to Jamaica.” Jan smiles softly.
“But this reason is a real one! It makes sense doesn’t it?” He gets up again and she pulls him down again and takes both of his hands
“Michael..” on the verge of tears, “what am I going to do? If he brings this to court, then…”
Jumps in, “Jan! The man has no case here.”
Worried, “You think so?”
“I know so! Think about it…that ring, whether you still have it or not, is rightfully yours. You didn’t have to give it back at all. He gave it to you!”
“But I didn’t feel right keeping it.”
“Exactly. Just, you have nothing to worry about.”
She gives him a soft kiss, and smiles, “Thank-you…”
“Sure…any time.” There’s a period of silence, “So are ya ready to meet my mom?” He stands up.
Nods, “Yeah…” He grabs her hand and she stands up as well, “…and if she’s anything like you Michael…I can’t wait to meet her.” She genuinely means that.
Smiles, “Well guess who I got my sense of humor from?”
“I want to say your mother, but that sounds like such an easy answer…” She smiles. Michael gives her a kiss, reassuring her that everything is going to be okay, Jan’s the one to break the kiss, “hmmm…so who do you get your kissing from?”
“Um…the dog.” He laughs.
She glares at him first with a smile on her face and she swats him on the arm playfully, “Shut-up.” She laughs.
“Jan? Will you do me a favor?”
“Sure anything.”
“Will you laugh more often?”
Slightly laughs, “What do you mean?”
“Your laugh. Its just music to my ears. I love it when you laugh…you should do it more often.”
“Well I’ll see what I can do.”
Later…1:00am, Michael is sleeping and Jan on her side of the bed writing in her journal before she goes to bed.
‘Well tonight turned out to be a pretty good night. Aside from the fact that I had to deal with my ex, I got to meet Michael’s mom. All I can say is ‘Wow! Where to start?’ Lol (I just learned what ‘lol’ means tonight from Michael, so I‘ll probably be using it a lot) Anyways, Michael’s mom was so…I can’t even describe her. She’s just sooo so sweet. She’s probably the nicest lady ever. She’s so cute. Before Michael even introduced us…she practically ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug, which I now know where Michael get’s his bear hugs from…lol. She told me that all Michael ever does is talk about me and that she was so excited to finally meet me. Right then and there I forgot why I was even nervous. She put me at ease. Then Michael pretended to be all embarrassed, but I know he was loving every minute of his mother and my getting along. The reason I think I was so nervous, in the first place, was I was worried that we were going to run out of things to talk about and then there’d be those awkward pauses. But that did NOT happen at all…Michael’s mother had so much to talk about and so many questions…and believe me I had a LOT of questions as well. It came to the point where Michael had to drag us away from each other because it was getting late and he has to work in the morning, which sucks because it’s Saturday tomorrow and he was supposed to be home all day, but there’s some thing going on with Corporate, and he can’t get out of it. I think it’s just going to be a half day or something. Okay now I’m just babbling. Is it weird that for the first time in…9 months (WOW! I just realized that we’ve been together for close to 9 months now!) anyways, is it weird that I JUST felt a REAL connection with him. I mean I knew that there always was my attraction to him…but a connection? For the first time I REALLY felt like a real couple. I’ll be honest, it was such a great feeling. I just smile thinking about it. You’re probably wondering why I don’t love this guy…I guess it’s not really that I don’t love him necessarily, it’s just when it comes to actually SAYING it, it’s hard…I just want to be really sure that I’m in love. Because ‘love’ is such a strong word, obviously not for Michael, but for me? I’ve been through so much and to let myself be head-over-heels for someone hurts me more than you know…more than Michael knows. That might seem really weird that it hurts me to be in love, but it’s how I feel…I can NOT get hurt again…I WON’T get hurt. Last time I was head-over-heels in love was when I was with my pathetic excuse for a husband, Richard. And we all know how that turned out. Richard used to be like Michael, not exactly, but to the point where I couldn’t see myself being with anyone else. He was so kind and gentle and funny… maybe I should be clearer, that was in the 1st year that was with him. I haven’t even been with Michael for a year yet, so maybe that’s what’s putting me back, maybe that’s why I can’t tell him those 3 little words. After that year is up, when you’re already completely devoted to this person, is when they start to change and show their true side, and become really comfortable with you. I don’t know, I could probably go on all night but it IS 2 in the morning and I’m tired. I’m sure I’ll have more to write about tomorrow! In the mean time…let’s just keep this between you and I.’
*I’m sorry if it seemed like Jan was babbling, but it was supposed to be like that. I’ve kept a journal before and your mind can be all over sometimes to where you’re just rambling on and on…I just hope it wasn’t confusing…*Also notice how Jan doesn’t think the journal is really stupid anymore and that she’s finding it somewhat refreshing to express what she’s feeling on paper. * MORE TO COME SOON!!!!