Dawning Light 9: Breaking Apart (Anita Blake/Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover)
Dawning Light
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Anita Blake crossover
Chapter Nine: Breaking Apart
by Mhalachai
Summary: Dawn fell from Glory's tower and into the portal. Now she's all alone and scared... but sometimes family comes from the strangest places.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Anita Blake belongs to Laurell K. Hamilton. No profit has been made from this fic, and the only benefit to me is personal satisfaction and the creative process. I hope you enjoy.
Rating: PG
Words: 4,475
Spoilers: So post-Danse Macabre it hurts.
Note: A response to the Mommy Anita challenge on TTH. Previous parts on LJ and on TTH.
~~~~~
"What did Micah have to say?" Dawn asked drowsily, letting Anita pull off her shoes. "Was it bad stuff?"
"Of course not." Anita pushed gently at Dawn's shoulders until Dawn was lying back on the couch, still fully dressed. "He just wanted to talk."
"Okay." Dawn yawned and tried to keep her eyes open. "But why do I have to have a nap? I'm not tired."
"I know." Anita smoothed the hair off Dawn's forehead. "How about you just lie here for a few minutes?"
Dawn closed her eyes. "Only a few minutes," she said, sinking into sleep. She didn't want to miss anything, but she was so tired. The day had been so crazy, and it wasn't even noon. "Only... a... few..."
The next thing Dawn knew, sadness and pain was tearing her awake. She sat bolt upright on the couch, not knowing what was causing it but feeling as if she had some something horrible.
What have I done?
Dawn gasped with the weight of the pain, the self-recriminations. She wanted to curl up into a ball and make it all go away, but instead she straightened up and slid off the couch.
The house stood silent, the hum of the fridge in the kitchen covering the soft sound of Dawn's breathing. Not knowing why, Dawn took careful steps toward the kitchen, wondering what was wrong, what she could possible do to take away this horrible feeling that was going to eat her alive.
"Anita?"
Dawn stopped in her tracks just outside the kitchen door when she heard Nathaniel's voice.
"Anita, what's wrong? What happened?"
"Leave me alone." The sound of tears coated Anita's words.
Dawn risked a peek around the side of the doorway. Anita sat curled up on the floor by the cupboards, a mug of coffee spilled, forgotten, at her side. Nathaniel knelt beside Anita, hand outstretched but not touching. "What happened?" Nathaniel asked again.
Anita turned away from Nathaniel. "Nothing's wrong! Go away, go... go check on Dawn or something, please."
"Nothing's wrong with Dawn," Nathaniel said. He inched closer to Anita. "Is this about Dawn?"
A sob tore out of Anita's throat. She pressed her hand against her mouth, but it was too late. As Dawn watched, horrified, Anita broke down into tears. It was as horrible as watching Mom cry.
"Anita, it's okay," Nathaniel said, almost pleading. He tried to touch Anita's shoulder, but she shrugged him off. "Dawn's here, we're not going to have to give her away, it's okay now."
"It's not okay!" Anita shoved Nathaniel away. "It's never going to be okay, she knows we tried to give her away, that's not okay!"
"Anita--"
"I said I'd take care of her, how is giving her away at the first opportunity taking care of her?" Anita drew her legs up to her chest. The pain beat in Dawn's heart like a bird trying to get out of a cage, and it hurt like nothing she'd ever felt before, and it wasn't her pain to feel.
"That wasn't what happened," Nathaniel protested. "She knows that, she knows that you want her--"
"That's not how you take care of someone!" Anita gripped her hands together so tightly that her knuckles turned white. "Taking care of someone isn't giving up, just because it's easier!"
Images ran through Dawn's head on ghostly feet, of being alone in a house full of people who didn't really care about her, where she'd never belong. Of spending her whole life wondering if she'd ever been wanted at all.
Rubbing her eyes, Dawn walked into the kitchen. Anita noticed her immediately, sat back and tried to wipe the tears off her face. "Dawn--"
Dawn went right over to Anita and climbed into her lap, putting her arms around Anita's neck. Strangely, as soon as she touched Anita, the pain in Dawn's chest and head went away. "It's okay," she said against Anita's neck. "It's going to be okay."
"Dawn, what are you talking about?" Anita's hand was steady on Dawn's back. "Of course it's going to be okay, we'll find Buffy--"
"No!" Dawn tightened her grip on Anita's neck. "You didn't try to throw me away, that wasn't what happened! So stop being sad!"
"That's not what..." Anita's voice trailed off. "Dawn, it's not..."
"Don't you dare say you're sorry," Dawn said in a whisper. "You brought me back and you didn't send me away and you did it because you wanted to and not because anyone else made you. If you say sorry then it's going to be all wrong."
Anita rubbed circles on Dawn's back. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't give up on me," Dawn said, her hold on Anita's neck slackening as the threads of adrenaline from feeling Anita's emotions stated to wear off. "You never give up."
"Come on," Nathaniel said softly. "Dawn needs to sleep, and you could stand to have a few more hours of sleep, Anita."
"I don't need a nap," Anita protested, holding Dawn as Nathaniel helped her stand. "I'll just put Dawn down--"
"Anita, you didn't sleep much last night," Nathaniel said. Dawn rested her head against Anita's shoulder, her eyes drifting closed as the adults' voices washed over her. "Just a little sleep."
"Sleep is good," Dawn murmured. "Then there'll be cookies and ice cream and ketchup."
Anita and Nathaniel kept talking, but Dawn let sleep drag her down.
~~~
The sun shone in pretty patterns on the wall of Anita's bedroom. Dawn blinked at the wall, wondering when she'd ended up in here, and what time it was.
Glancing over, she saw that Anita was asleep on the bed, one hand flung out. Asleep, Anita looked so young. Dawn wondered what kind of pain Anita had experienced in her life to be so adult and so angry all the time.
Dawn pushed at the light blanket covering her, and slid to the ground. She'd slept in her fancy dress from that morning, and it felt uncomfortable and scratchy on her skin. Plus, her mouth felt fuzzy and she had to pee.
"Naps suck," Dawn muttered, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She slipped out of the bedroom and stumbled into the bathroom on the main floor. After taking care of the immediate business, Dawn washed her hands in the sink, using the liquid soap that smelled like oranges.
Her hair was a mess, and her dress was rumpled beyond belief. It never made any sense to her, that running around in clothes didn't mess them up that bad, but sleeping in them usually wrecked everything.
Not that she ever wanted to wear this dress again. She'd worn it into that horrible house around those horrible people and she never wanted to see it again!
Part of her knew that she couldn't just throw away a dress someone else had bought for her, but maybe she could explain it to Nathaniel. Maybe he'd understand.
After giving her hands one final wipe on the fluffy towel, Dawn wandered out of the bathroom. Muffled voices sounded from the living room, hidden down the hall. Dawn couldn't make out the words, but she heard Nathaniel's voice, and several unfamiliar ones answering. There were strange people in the house, people that Dawn didn't know.
Then Nathaniel laughed, and the pit of tension in her stomach eased.
Dawn walked down the hall and to the kitchen. She was hungry again, but didn't want to bother Nathaniel if he had people over. Maybe she could make a sandwich on her own. There was bread on the counter, and peanut butter in the fridge, and bananas on the counter. All the makings for a perfect lunch.
The sight of the sports bag on the kitchen floor changed Dawn's plans. The urge to get out of the dress and into some normal clothes was overpowering. Maybe this was how Buffy felt after a night of Slayage, to get out of slimy, bloody clothes and to look pretty.
Even Buffy wouldn't call me fashion-deficient if I wear blue cords and a purple turtleneck. For good measure, Dawn pulled out clean underwear and black and blue stripy socks. The socks looked too tiny to be real, like little baby socks.
Buffy would have called me a midget if she saw me like this. Sadness and something a little more painful settled in Dawn's stomach. When she sees me. She'll call me a midget when she sees me.
Dawn went back to the bathroom to change. She left the dress crumpled in a heap on the floor, telling herself she'd deal with it later. Like in spring, when she could bury the thing in the backyard.
Taking a deep breath, Dawn walked toward the living room. The voices were softer now, and it was with only a handful of qualms that Dawn peeked around the wall.
Nathaniel was sitting on the floor, next to a blond man. It took Dawn a moment to realize that she wasn't seeing things, and that the other man in the room, a blond man on the couch, looked exactly the same as the one on the floor. Also on the couch was a young woman with long curly hair. She was so beautiful and reminded Dawn so much of Kendra, the Vampire Slayer, that it took her breath away.
"Dawn?" Nathaniel said, noticing her right away. He held out his hand. "Do you want to come in?"
Dawn edged around the wall and walked over to Nathaniel, never taking her eyes off the young woman. She stumbled a little, and didn't protest when Nathaniel pulled her into his lap.
"Everyone, this is Dawn. Dawn, these are my friends."
"Hi," Dawn said shyly.
The man on the floor laughed. "I think someone's got a crush on you, Viv."
"Be quiet, Gregory," the woman said, giving the man a dirty look. "Hi Dawn, I'm Vivian."
"Hi Vivian." Belatedly, Dawn remembered that she should at least try to act mature. "It's very nice to meet you."
"Same here," Vivian said, smiling. "Nathaniel has been telling us all about you."
"Like you're a better cook than Anita," Gregory added. His twin on the couch nudged his arm. "What? Anita can't cook her way out of a wet paper bag!"
"But she makes good coffee," Dawn pointed out as she cuddled back against Nathaniel's chest. He smelled nice, like laundry soap, and he was really warm, like a blanket.
"Great coffee," Gregory agreed. "She's still sleeping?"
"Uh huh." Dawn looked between Gregory and his twin. "Aren't twins supposed to want to look different when they get old?"
Gregory frowned. "Twin?"
"Gregory, stop it," the man on the couch said softly. "I'm Stephen. We have to look alike for our job."
"Job?" Dawn twisted up to look at Nathaniel. "Do they work with you and Jason?"
"Why do you ask that?" he asked.
Dawn bit her lip. The jump to comparing Gregory and Stephen to Nathaniel and Jason seemed natural in her mind, but why?
Taking a deep breath, Dawn reached out with her mind, just like she'd done earlier that day at the Walkers house, and tried to 'read' the twins.
The inside of Gregory's head was really a lot like Nathaniel, all growling and lazy like a cat. Stephen was more perky, more eager to please, more... puppyish.
They might look alike, but Gregory and Stephen were different kinds of lycanthropes. Cool, Dawn thought. "No reason," she said aloud.
Nathaniel didn't believe her, she could tell that by the look he gave her, but he didn't press it.
The front door opened in the hall. Everyone in the living room tensed, looking towards the hall warily.
"What's wrong?" Dawn demanded, jumping up.
"Nothing's wrong," Nathaniel said. He relaxed slowly. "It's Micah, he's home."
"Oh." Dawn wanted to run into the hall, to see Micah and tell him how cool it was that she could stay at Anita's house, but something held her back. When she'd spoken to him earlier on the phone, he'd seemed a little hesitant about the news she was staying.
A small cold spot opened up in her stomach. Maybe Micah didn't want her to stay after all.
"Dawn?" Nathaniel asked.
"Nothing's wrong," she whispered mechanically.
Micah chose that moment to come around the corner from the hall. He quickly scanned the room, taking in the twins and Vivian, then Nathaniel, in that order. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked, his voice mild.
Gregory let out the breath he'd been holding. "We came over to see Nathaniel," he said.
"And Dawn," Vivian added. She lowered her eyes for a moment, then flicked her eyes back up to watch Micah. It was a strange move, not really human, and it made Dawn frown. Why was she doing that? "We heard that she'd be staying here for a while and we came over."
"Where did you hear that?" Micah continued, unbuttoning the cuffs of his dress shirt.
The other adults in the room exchanged glances around Dawn. "I heard Jean-Claude telling Jason at the Circus," Stephen explained. "And then I told Vivian and Gregory was there and we came over."
Micah paused in rolling up his sleeve. "How did Jean-Claude find out? Did Anita tell him?"
Nathaniel shifted nervously. "No, he called me to ask about work." Dawn had never heard the young man sound so apologetic. "He wanted me to go back to working four nights a week, now that Dawn was gone."
Dawn stayed still, not wanting to draw attention to herself. This was the first time the grown-ups had talked in front of her without anyone freaking out and sending her from the room. Part of her didn't want to hear this, it made her insides all squirmy, but the other part wanted desperately to be let in on the secrets that everyone else seemed to know.
"What did you tell him?" Micah asked.
Dawn could feel the panic rolling off Nathaniel, the fear he'd made a mess of everything. Without thinking about it, Dawn leaned against Nathaniel and put her arm around his neck.
"I, um..." Nathaniel took a deep breath. "I told him that I wouldn't be able to because I'd have to watch Dawn while Anita was at work and stuff."
Micah's eyebrows rising were the only indication he was surprised. "Would you guys mind leaving?" he said to the others. "It's been a long day and we've got a lot of stuff to work out."
"Okay," Stephen said immediately, getting to his feet. Gregory and Vivian followed more slowly, watching Micah. "Bye, Nathaniel."
"And Dawn," Vivian said with a warm smile that made Dawn grin back. "It was nice to meet you."
"It was nice to meet you, too," Dawn whispered, hugging Nathaniel's neck.
The three trailed out of the room. Micah waited until the door closed, then he let out a sigh and rubbed his eyes. "Where's Anita?" he asked, sinking cross-legged onto the floor beside Dawn and Nathaniel.
"She's still sleeping," Nathaniel said.
In the meantime, Dawn was trying to figure out what was going on. Was Micah mad because Anita had promised she could stay?
"We'll let her sleep," Micah said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brown envelope. "This is for Dawn."
Dawn stared at it for a very long minute before reaching out. "What is it?"
"If you're going to be staying here, going to be a part of the house, then you need your own key," Micah explained as Dawn ripped into the envelope.
Sure enough, a shiny silver key hung on a bright yellow keychain. Taking a closer look at the charm, Dawn realized it was a little sun.
The accidental symbolism wasn't lost on Dawn, but she wasn't able to say anything. Micah had made a key for her, so she could be a part of the family.
They wanted her.
"That's a nice present," Nathaniel said, pulling Dawn onto his lap. "Isn't it?"
Dawn nodded, gripping the keychain as hard as she could. She wanted to tell Micah that she appreciated the gesture, but what came out of her mouth was, "I thought you were mad."
"Mad?" Micah echoed. "Why would you think that?"
She shrugged, looking at her hands. "Because you seemed mad on the phone."
"Dawn, I wasn't mad, not at all," Micah told her firmly. "Never think that. I wasn't expecting that you'd stay, that's true, but I'm glad you are."
"Really?"
"Really." Micah smiled at her, his yellow-green cat's eyes warm in his face. "All the way."
"Oh." Dawn leaned against Nathaniel, staring at the key in her hand. "I thought you were mad," she repeated in a whisper.
Nathaniel hugged Dawn tight. "Micah's not mad," Nathaniel said, and it sounded like a promise. "If he says it's okay, then it's going to be okay."
Dawn tilted her head back to look up at Nathaniel. "Do you really believe that?"
The warm feeling of safety that radiated out from Nathaniel was answer enough. "Yeah, I do," Nathaniel said with a smile.
"What do you believe?" Anita's voice drifted into the room. The woman came around the corner, still half-asleep. She blinked hard when she saw Micah sitting there. "Why are you home?"
Micah stood up. "Mark offered to run the hotline this afternoon while I got some things done," Micah said. He paused, then looked down at Dawn. "Dawn, would you be able to go upstairs for a few minutes?"
"Why?" Dawn demanded, staying where she was. "Are you going to talk about me? I'm not going anywhere if you're going to talk about me!"
"Micah, what's this all about?" Anita asked, tiredness falling away from her.
"Dawn, I need to talk to Anita," Micah said. "Please go upstairs?"
Clutching her new key tight in her hand, Dawn reluctantly stood up. "Is this a bad thing?" she asked, reluctant to step away from Nathaniel.
"No, it's not bad at all," Micah said. "I'll come up and get you when we're done, okay?"
Dawn looked at Anita, feeling the waves of nervousness and anxiety radiating off of her. "Anita?"
Anita tried to smile. "Why don't you go put your clothes away?" she suggested. "And after that we can figure out what we're going to do for dinner?"
Dawn shrugged, Anita's worry balling up in her stomach. "Okay," she whispered. Still, it took her two tries to get her feet moving. She strained to listen behind her, but the adults in the living room were silent as Dawn retrieved the clothing bag from the kitchen, then dragged it by the handle down the hall and up the stairs, bump by bump.
What are they going to talk about? Dawn wondered as she made her way into her bedroom. It was just like being back home, when Buffy and the others would talk about the bad stuff, vampires and demons and Glory. It was the same thing again, Dawn being shut out because she was too young, too small to make a difference.
Not this time, Dawn decided, shoving the clothes bag onto her bed. I'm going to listen to them!
After placing her key carefully on the bed, Dawn tried to walk silently to the head of the stairs. She knew that Micah and Nathaniel could hear the tiniest sound, but if she kept quiet, maybe they wouldn't notice she was there.
"...is the matter with you?" Anita was saying in a loud voice as Dawn neared the top of the steps. "Could you have been any more insensitive with Dawn?"
"This isn't about Dawn," Micah said. "She's fine." He paused, paper rustling. "I talked to Miss Wendell, and she'll be coming by tomorrow to talk with Dawn and get the paperwork started. She suggested that we might want to get Dawn a check-up, see what vaccinations she's had. I called Zerbrowski--"
"What does Zerbrowski have to do with any of this?" Anita demanded.
"He has children only a little older than Dawn," Micah said with exaggerated calm. "I got the name of a good pediatrician from him. Dawn has an appointment on Thursday. I also called the dentist Zerbrowski recommended, and he can squeeze in an appointment for Dawn in the middle of next week. Miss Wendell said she wants Dawn to see a child psychiatrist that social services keeps on--"
"What are you doing?" Anita interrupted again. "Who gave you the right to start making decisions for Dawn like this?"
Dawn gasped at the sudden rush of anger that spiked through her head. "That would be you, Anita," Micah snapped. "Right about the same time you told social services that we would keep Dawn. I figure if you can turn everyone's lives upside down, I can make a doctor's appointment for a little girl."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You didn't even stop to consider what this would mean to everyone else, did you?" Micah continued. "You didn't tell Miss Wendell that we'd keep Dawn for a while, then talk to Nathaniel or me before suggesting Dawn stay here permanently, did you? Didn't it even occur to you that having a child in the house isn't going to impact only you? Nathaniel's cutting back his hours at work so someone can be here to watch Dawn when you're working, and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with the hotline on a permanent basis."
Dawn curled up into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest. It was almost as bad as listening to Mom and Dad fight, back in those horrible months before the divorce. She wanted to run away, to make them stop, but she couldn't move.
"If you didn't want Dawn here--" Anita started, but the slap of paper on wood cut her off.
"Of course I want Dawn here!" Micah exclaimed. "Just as much as Nathaniel does, as you do. But that doesn't take away the fact that you made this decision without consulting us, Anita!"
Another kind of anger was brewing downstairs, hotter and more desperate than the other anger, and it scared Dawn. "I did what I had to do to protect Dawn!" Anita shot back.
"No, you didn't," Micah contradicted. "You--" He stopped, took a deep breath. In a quieter voice, he said, "I know I once said I'd do anything you needed, be anything you needed, but this is a whole different thing. Dawn needs us all to be on her side, and we can't do that if you are making all the decisions without even talking to us."
The anger and deep, almost hidden fear, swirled up the steps and caught in Dawn's throat. She felt like she was going to be sick. "I did what I had to do for Dawn, I was thinking of her!" Anita said.
"She's not you," Micah said, softer. "She lost her mother and she's not like other children, but Dawn isn't you, Anita. You can't--"
"Shut up," Anita interrupted. "Just shut up!"
"Anita--"
"Don't touch me!" A few moments later, a door slammed.
Dawn stayed frozen in place. She was so scared and angry and confused and she didn't know what were her feelings and what were Anita's, or Micah's, or anything.
All she knew was that Anita and Micah had just had a huge fight, and it was all her fault.
That was how Micah found her a few minutes later. He didn't say anything at first, only sat beside her on the top stair.
"You made Anita mad," Dawn whispered, staring at her knees.
Micah sighed. "I did," he agreed.
"Why did you talk to her like that?" Dawn asked. "It wasn't nice."
Micah rested his elbows on his knees. "Can I tell you something?" he asked.
Dawn shrugged. "I guess so," she said, even if she wasn't sure she wanted to talk to Micah ever again.
"You know how adults are supposed to know what to do all the time?"
It wasn't what Dawn expected to hear, and in spite of herself, she turned her head, curious. "Don't you know what you're doing?"
"I do. We all do, I suppose." Micah ran his fingers over his nose, staring into space. "We learn what's going on, and make decisions based on that."
"What does this have to do with Anita?" Dawn asked.
Micah pulled his hand away from his face. "None of us really know what we're doing all the time. When we're faced with important decisions, we have to do the best we can, and sometimes it's not easy."
"So you yelled at Anita because I'm difficult?" Dawn said slowly, the words dragged out of her mouth reluctantly. If Micah didn't want her around, she didn't really want to know, because she had nowhere else to go and no one else to give a damn about her.
"No, Anita and I don't see eye to eye on the way she went about talking to Miss Wendell. But I need you to know something," Micah said, touching Dawn's wrist. "We might disagree on some things, but what we do agree on is wanting you here."
"Oh." Dawn felt a little flutter of happiness in her chest, but it was still mixed up with the confusion and fear from the fight, echoing off Anita somewhere in the house. She really didn't know how she was going to survive having all these feelings in her all the time. "Really?"
"Totally." Micah smiled, and it looked as if he really meant it.
"Okay." Taking a breath, Dawn stood up and held out her hand to Micah. "Then you have to come with me."
"Where are we going?" Micah asked, letting Dawn walk him down the stairs.
"To find Anita," Dawn instructed. "Because you may be okay and I may be okay but Anita's not okay and we have to make that better."
"Dawn..."
"We can make it better," Dawn said firmly. "That's what families do, they fight and then they make it better and it's okay because they're families." She concentrated on the steps for a moment. "That's what Buffy and I used to do."
Micah didn't say anything, and Dawn wasn't sure he'd heard her.
"Where is she?" Dawn asked, louder this time.
"In her room," Micah said. "With Nathaniel."
"Come on, then. You'll apologize and she'll be better and you won't be fighting any more."
That was the way it had to be. Before Dawn had come, Anita and Micah and Nathaniel had been a family. She wasn't going to let her presence break up Anita's family, especially if they were the only people in this world that cared about her.
It just wasn't going to happen.
to be continued...
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Anita Blake crossover
Chapter Nine: Breaking Apart
by Mhalachai
Summary: Dawn fell from Glory's tower and into the portal. Now she's all alone and scared... but sometimes family comes from the strangest places.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Anita Blake belongs to Laurell K. Hamilton. No profit has been made from this fic, and the only benefit to me is personal satisfaction and the creative process. I hope you enjoy.
Rating: PG
Words: 4,475
Spoilers: So post-Danse Macabre it hurts.
Note: A response to the Mommy Anita challenge on TTH. Previous parts on LJ and on TTH.
~~~~~
"What did Micah have to say?" Dawn asked drowsily, letting Anita pull off her shoes. "Was it bad stuff?"
"Of course not." Anita pushed gently at Dawn's shoulders until Dawn was lying back on the couch, still fully dressed. "He just wanted to talk."
"Okay." Dawn yawned and tried to keep her eyes open. "But why do I have to have a nap? I'm not tired."
"I know." Anita smoothed the hair off Dawn's forehead. "How about you just lie here for a few minutes?"
Dawn closed her eyes. "Only a few minutes," she said, sinking into sleep. She didn't want to miss anything, but she was so tired. The day had been so crazy, and it wasn't even noon. "Only... a... few..."
The next thing Dawn knew, sadness and pain was tearing her awake. She sat bolt upright on the couch, not knowing what was causing it but feeling as if she had some something horrible.
What have I done?
Dawn gasped with the weight of the pain, the self-recriminations. She wanted to curl up into a ball and make it all go away, but instead she straightened up and slid off the couch.
The house stood silent, the hum of the fridge in the kitchen covering the soft sound of Dawn's breathing. Not knowing why, Dawn took careful steps toward the kitchen, wondering what was wrong, what she could possible do to take away this horrible feeling that was going to eat her alive.
"Anita?"
Dawn stopped in her tracks just outside the kitchen door when she heard Nathaniel's voice.
"Anita, what's wrong? What happened?"
"Leave me alone." The sound of tears coated Anita's words.
Dawn risked a peek around the side of the doorway. Anita sat curled up on the floor by the cupboards, a mug of coffee spilled, forgotten, at her side. Nathaniel knelt beside Anita, hand outstretched but not touching. "What happened?" Nathaniel asked again.
Anita turned away from Nathaniel. "Nothing's wrong! Go away, go... go check on Dawn or something, please."
"Nothing's wrong with Dawn," Nathaniel said. He inched closer to Anita. "Is this about Dawn?"
A sob tore out of Anita's throat. She pressed her hand against her mouth, but it was too late. As Dawn watched, horrified, Anita broke down into tears. It was as horrible as watching Mom cry.
"Anita, it's okay," Nathaniel said, almost pleading. He tried to touch Anita's shoulder, but she shrugged him off. "Dawn's here, we're not going to have to give her away, it's okay now."
"It's not okay!" Anita shoved Nathaniel away. "It's never going to be okay, she knows we tried to give her away, that's not okay!"
"Anita--"
"I said I'd take care of her, how is giving her away at the first opportunity taking care of her?" Anita drew her legs up to her chest. The pain beat in Dawn's heart like a bird trying to get out of a cage, and it hurt like nothing she'd ever felt before, and it wasn't her pain to feel.
"That wasn't what happened," Nathaniel protested. "She knows that, she knows that you want her--"
"That's not how you take care of someone!" Anita gripped her hands together so tightly that her knuckles turned white. "Taking care of someone isn't giving up, just because it's easier!"
Images ran through Dawn's head on ghostly feet, of being alone in a house full of people who didn't really care about her, where she'd never belong. Of spending her whole life wondering if she'd ever been wanted at all.
Rubbing her eyes, Dawn walked into the kitchen. Anita noticed her immediately, sat back and tried to wipe the tears off her face. "Dawn--"
Dawn went right over to Anita and climbed into her lap, putting her arms around Anita's neck. Strangely, as soon as she touched Anita, the pain in Dawn's chest and head went away. "It's okay," she said against Anita's neck. "It's going to be okay."
"Dawn, what are you talking about?" Anita's hand was steady on Dawn's back. "Of course it's going to be okay, we'll find Buffy--"
"No!" Dawn tightened her grip on Anita's neck. "You didn't try to throw me away, that wasn't what happened! So stop being sad!"
"That's not what..." Anita's voice trailed off. "Dawn, it's not..."
"Don't you dare say you're sorry," Dawn said in a whisper. "You brought me back and you didn't send me away and you did it because you wanted to and not because anyone else made you. If you say sorry then it's going to be all wrong."
Anita rubbed circles on Dawn's back. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't give up on me," Dawn said, her hold on Anita's neck slackening as the threads of adrenaline from feeling Anita's emotions stated to wear off. "You never give up."
"Come on," Nathaniel said softly. "Dawn needs to sleep, and you could stand to have a few more hours of sleep, Anita."
"I don't need a nap," Anita protested, holding Dawn as Nathaniel helped her stand. "I'll just put Dawn down--"
"Anita, you didn't sleep much last night," Nathaniel said. Dawn rested her head against Anita's shoulder, her eyes drifting closed as the adults' voices washed over her. "Just a little sleep."
"Sleep is good," Dawn murmured. "Then there'll be cookies and ice cream and ketchup."
Anita and Nathaniel kept talking, but Dawn let sleep drag her down.
~~~
The sun shone in pretty patterns on the wall of Anita's bedroom. Dawn blinked at the wall, wondering when she'd ended up in here, and what time it was.
Glancing over, she saw that Anita was asleep on the bed, one hand flung out. Asleep, Anita looked so young. Dawn wondered what kind of pain Anita had experienced in her life to be so adult and so angry all the time.
Dawn pushed at the light blanket covering her, and slid to the ground. She'd slept in her fancy dress from that morning, and it felt uncomfortable and scratchy on her skin. Plus, her mouth felt fuzzy and she had to pee.
"Naps suck," Dawn muttered, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She slipped out of the bedroom and stumbled into the bathroom on the main floor. After taking care of the immediate business, Dawn washed her hands in the sink, using the liquid soap that smelled like oranges.
Her hair was a mess, and her dress was rumpled beyond belief. It never made any sense to her, that running around in clothes didn't mess them up that bad, but sleeping in them usually wrecked everything.
Not that she ever wanted to wear this dress again. She'd worn it into that horrible house around those horrible people and she never wanted to see it again!
Part of her knew that she couldn't just throw away a dress someone else had bought for her, but maybe she could explain it to Nathaniel. Maybe he'd understand.
After giving her hands one final wipe on the fluffy towel, Dawn wandered out of the bathroom. Muffled voices sounded from the living room, hidden down the hall. Dawn couldn't make out the words, but she heard Nathaniel's voice, and several unfamiliar ones answering. There were strange people in the house, people that Dawn didn't know.
Then Nathaniel laughed, and the pit of tension in her stomach eased.
Dawn walked down the hall and to the kitchen. She was hungry again, but didn't want to bother Nathaniel if he had people over. Maybe she could make a sandwich on her own. There was bread on the counter, and peanut butter in the fridge, and bananas on the counter. All the makings for a perfect lunch.
The sight of the sports bag on the kitchen floor changed Dawn's plans. The urge to get out of the dress and into some normal clothes was overpowering. Maybe this was how Buffy felt after a night of Slayage, to get out of slimy, bloody clothes and to look pretty.
Even Buffy wouldn't call me fashion-deficient if I wear blue cords and a purple turtleneck. For good measure, Dawn pulled out clean underwear and black and blue stripy socks. The socks looked too tiny to be real, like little baby socks.
Buffy would have called me a midget if she saw me like this. Sadness and something a little more painful settled in Dawn's stomach. When she sees me. She'll call me a midget when she sees me.
Dawn went back to the bathroom to change. She left the dress crumpled in a heap on the floor, telling herself she'd deal with it later. Like in spring, when she could bury the thing in the backyard.
Taking a deep breath, Dawn walked toward the living room. The voices were softer now, and it was with only a handful of qualms that Dawn peeked around the wall.
Nathaniel was sitting on the floor, next to a blond man. It took Dawn a moment to realize that she wasn't seeing things, and that the other man in the room, a blond man on the couch, looked exactly the same as the one on the floor. Also on the couch was a young woman with long curly hair. She was so beautiful and reminded Dawn so much of Kendra, the Vampire Slayer, that it took her breath away.
"Dawn?" Nathaniel said, noticing her right away. He held out his hand. "Do you want to come in?"
Dawn edged around the wall and walked over to Nathaniel, never taking her eyes off the young woman. She stumbled a little, and didn't protest when Nathaniel pulled her into his lap.
"Everyone, this is Dawn. Dawn, these are my friends."
"Hi," Dawn said shyly.
The man on the floor laughed. "I think someone's got a crush on you, Viv."
"Be quiet, Gregory," the woman said, giving the man a dirty look. "Hi Dawn, I'm Vivian."
"Hi Vivian." Belatedly, Dawn remembered that she should at least try to act mature. "It's very nice to meet you."
"Same here," Vivian said, smiling. "Nathaniel has been telling us all about you."
"Like you're a better cook than Anita," Gregory added. His twin on the couch nudged his arm. "What? Anita can't cook her way out of a wet paper bag!"
"But she makes good coffee," Dawn pointed out as she cuddled back against Nathaniel's chest. He smelled nice, like laundry soap, and he was really warm, like a blanket.
"Great coffee," Gregory agreed. "She's still sleeping?"
"Uh huh." Dawn looked between Gregory and his twin. "Aren't twins supposed to want to look different when they get old?"
Gregory frowned. "Twin?"
"Gregory, stop it," the man on the couch said softly. "I'm Stephen. We have to look alike for our job."
"Job?" Dawn twisted up to look at Nathaniel. "Do they work with you and Jason?"
"Why do you ask that?" he asked.
Dawn bit her lip. The jump to comparing Gregory and Stephen to Nathaniel and Jason seemed natural in her mind, but why?
Taking a deep breath, Dawn reached out with her mind, just like she'd done earlier that day at the Walkers house, and tried to 'read' the twins.
The inside of Gregory's head was really a lot like Nathaniel, all growling and lazy like a cat. Stephen was more perky, more eager to please, more... puppyish.
They might look alike, but Gregory and Stephen were different kinds of lycanthropes. Cool, Dawn thought. "No reason," she said aloud.
Nathaniel didn't believe her, she could tell that by the look he gave her, but he didn't press it.
The front door opened in the hall. Everyone in the living room tensed, looking towards the hall warily.
"What's wrong?" Dawn demanded, jumping up.
"Nothing's wrong," Nathaniel said. He relaxed slowly. "It's Micah, he's home."
"Oh." Dawn wanted to run into the hall, to see Micah and tell him how cool it was that she could stay at Anita's house, but something held her back. When she'd spoken to him earlier on the phone, he'd seemed a little hesitant about the news she was staying.
A small cold spot opened up in her stomach. Maybe Micah didn't want her to stay after all.
"Dawn?" Nathaniel asked.
"Nothing's wrong," she whispered mechanically.
Micah chose that moment to come around the corner from the hall. He quickly scanned the room, taking in the twins and Vivian, then Nathaniel, in that order. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked, his voice mild.
Gregory let out the breath he'd been holding. "We came over to see Nathaniel," he said.
"And Dawn," Vivian added. She lowered her eyes for a moment, then flicked her eyes back up to watch Micah. It was a strange move, not really human, and it made Dawn frown. Why was she doing that? "We heard that she'd be staying here for a while and we came over."
"Where did you hear that?" Micah continued, unbuttoning the cuffs of his dress shirt.
The other adults in the room exchanged glances around Dawn. "I heard Jean-Claude telling Jason at the Circus," Stephen explained. "And then I told Vivian and Gregory was there and we came over."
Micah paused in rolling up his sleeve. "How did Jean-Claude find out? Did Anita tell him?"
Nathaniel shifted nervously. "No, he called me to ask about work." Dawn had never heard the young man sound so apologetic. "He wanted me to go back to working four nights a week, now that Dawn was gone."
Dawn stayed still, not wanting to draw attention to herself. This was the first time the grown-ups had talked in front of her without anyone freaking out and sending her from the room. Part of her didn't want to hear this, it made her insides all squirmy, but the other part wanted desperately to be let in on the secrets that everyone else seemed to know.
"What did you tell him?" Micah asked.
Dawn could feel the panic rolling off Nathaniel, the fear he'd made a mess of everything. Without thinking about it, Dawn leaned against Nathaniel and put her arm around his neck.
"I, um..." Nathaniel took a deep breath. "I told him that I wouldn't be able to because I'd have to watch Dawn while Anita was at work and stuff."
Micah's eyebrows rising were the only indication he was surprised. "Would you guys mind leaving?" he said to the others. "It's been a long day and we've got a lot of stuff to work out."
"Okay," Stephen said immediately, getting to his feet. Gregory and Vivian followed more slowly, watching Micah. "Bye, Nathaniel."
"And Dawn," Vivian said with a warm smile that made Dawn grin back. "It was nice to meet you."
"It was nice to meet you, too," Dawn whispered, hugging Nathaniel's neck.
The three trailed out of the room. Micah waited until the door closed, then he let out a sigh and rubbed his eyes. "Where's Anita?" he asked, sinking cross-legged onto the floor beside Dawn and Nathaniel.
"She's still sleeping," Nathaniel said.
In the meantime, Dawn was trying to figure out what was going on. Was Micah mad because Anita had promised she could stay?
"We'll let her sleep," Micah said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brown envelope. "This is for Dawn."
Dawn stared at it for a very long minute before reaching out. "What is it?"
"If you're going to be staying here, going to be a part of the house, then you need your own key," Micah explained as Dawn ripped into the envelope.
Sure enough, a shiny silver key hung on a bright yellow keychain. Taking a closer look at the charm, Dawn realized it was a little sun.
The accidental symbolism wasn't lost on Dawn, but she wasn't able to say anything. Micah had made a key for her, so she could be a part of the family.
They wanted her.
"That's a nice present," Nathaniel said, pulling Dawn onto his lap. "Isn't it?"
Dawn nodded, gripping the keychain as hard as she could. She wanted to tell Micah that she appreciated the gesture, but what came out of her mouth was, "I thought you were mad."
"Mad?" Micah echoed. "Why would you think that?"
She shrugged, looking at her hands. "Because you seemed mad on the phone."
"Dawn, I wasn't mad, not at all," Micah told her firmly. "Never think that. I wasn't expecting that you'd stay, that's true, but I'm glad you are."
"Really?"
"Really." Micah smiled at her, his yellow-green cat's eyes warm in his face. "All the way."
"Oh." Dawn leaned against Nathaniel, staring at the key in her hand. "I thought you were mad," she repeated in a whisper.
Nathaniel hugged Dawn tight. "Micah's not mad," Nathaniel said, and it sounded like a promise. "If he says it's okay, then it's going to be okay."
Dawn tilted her head back to look up at Nathaniel. "Do you really believe that?"
The warm feeling of safety that radiated out from Nathaniel was answer enough. "Yeah, I do," Nathaniel said with a smile.
"What do you believe?" Anita's voice drifted into the room. The woman came around the corner, still half-asleep. She blinked hard when she saw Micah sitting there. "Why are you home?"
Micah stood up. "Mark offered to run the hotline this afternoon while I got some things done," Micah said. He paused, then looked down at Dawn. "Dawn, would you be able to go upstairs for a few minutes?"
"Why?" Dawn demanded, staying where she was. "Are you going to talk about me? I'm not going anywhere if you're going to talk about me!"
"Micah, what's this all about?" Anita asked, tiredness falling away from her.
"Dawn, I need to talk to Anita," Micah said. "Please go upstairs?"
Clutching her new key tight in her hand, Dawn reluctantly stood up. "Is this a bad thing?" she asked, reluctant to step away from Nathaniel.
"No, it's not bad at all," Micah said. "I'll come up and get you when we're done, okay?"
Dawn looked at Anita, feeling the waves of nervousness and anxiety radiating off of her. "Anita?"
Anita tried to smile. "Why don't you go put your clothes away?" she suggested. "And after that we can figure out what we're going to do for dinner?"
Dawn shrugged, Anita's worry balling up in her stomach. "Okay," she whispered. Still, it took her two tries to get her feet moving. She strained to listen behind her, but the adults in the living room were silent as Dawn retrieved the clothing bag from the kitchen, then dragged it by the handle down the hall and up the stairs, bump by bump.
What are they going to talk about? Dawn wondered as she made her way into her bedroom. It was just like being back home, when Buffy and the others would talk about the bad stuff, vampires and demons and Glory. It was the same thing again, Dawn being shut out because she was too young, too small to make a difference.
Not this time, Dawn decided, shoving the clothes bag onto her bed. I'm going to listen to them!
After placing her key carefully on the bed, Dawn tried to walk silently to the head of the stairs. She knew that Micah and Nathaniel could hear the tiniest sound, but if she kept quiet, maybe they wouldn't notice she was there.
"...is the matter with you?" Anita was saying in a loud voice as Dawn neared the top of the steps. "Could you have been any more insensitive with Dawn?"
"This isn't about Dawn," Micah said. "She's fine." He paused, paper rustling. "I talked to Miss Wendell, and she'll be coming by tomorrow to talk with Dawn and get the paperwork started. She suggested that we might want to get Dawn a check-up, see what vaccinations she's had. I called Zerbrowski--"
"What does Zerbrowski have to do with any of this?" Anita demanded.
"He has children only a little older than Dawn," Micah said with exaggerated calm. "I got the name of a good pediatrician from him. Dawn has an appointment on Thursday. I also called the dentist Zerbrowski recommended, and he can squeeze in an appointment for Dawn in the middle of next week. Miss Wendell said she wants Dawn to see a child psychiatrist that social services keeps on--"
"What are you doing?" Anita interrupted again. "Who gave you the right to start making decisions for Dawn like this?"
Dawn gasped at the sudden rush of anger that spiked through her head. "That would be you, Anita," Micah snapped. "Right about the same time you told social services that we would keep Dawn. I figure if you can turn everyone's lives upside down, I can make a doctor's appointment for a little girl."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You didn't even stop to consider what this would mean to everyone else, did you?" Micah continued. "You didn't tell Miss Wendell that we'd keep Dawn for a while, then talk to Nathaniel or me before suggesting Dawn stay here permanently, did you? Didn't it even occur to you that having a child in the house isn't going to impact only you? Nathaniel's cutting back his hours at work so someone can be here to watch Dawn when you're working, and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with the hotline on a permanent basis."
Dawn curled up into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest. It was almost as bad as listening to Mom and Dad fight, back in those horrible months before the divorce. She wanted to run away, to make them stop, but she couldn't move.
"If you didn't want Dawn here--" Anita started, but the slap of paper on wood cut her off.
"Of course I want Dawn here!" Micah exclaimed. "Just as much as Nathaniel does, as you do. But that doesn't take away the fact that you made this decision without consulting us, Anita!"
Another kind of anger was brewing downstairs, hotter and more desperate than the other anger, and it scared Dawn. "I did what I had to do to protect Dawn!" Anita shot back.
"No, you didn't," Micah contradicted. "You--" He stopped, took a deep breath. In a quieter voice, he said, "I know I once said I'd do anything you needed, be anything you needed, but this is a whole different thing. Dawn needs us all to be on her side, and we can't do that if you are making all the decisions without even talking to us."
The anger and deep, almost hidden fear, swirled up the steps and caught in Dawn's throat. She felt like she was going to be sick. "I did what I had to do for Dawn, I was thinking of her!" Anita said.
"She's not you," Micah said, softer. "She lost her mother and she's not like other children, but Dawn isn't you, Anita. You can't--"
"Shut up," Anita interrupted. "Just shut up!"
"Anita--"
"Don't touch me!" A few moments later, a door slammed.
Dawn stayed frozen in place. She was so scared and angry and confused and she didn't know what were her feelings and what were Anita's, or Micah's, or anything.
All she knew was that Anita and Micah had just had a huge fight, and it was all her fault.
That was how Micah found her a few minutes later. He didn't say anything at first, only sat beside her on the top stair.
"You made Anita mad," Dawn whispered, staring at her knees.
Micah sighed. "I did," he agreed.
"Why did you talk to her like that?" Dawn asked. "It wasn't nice."
Micah rested his elbows on his knees. "Can I tell you something?" he asked.
Dawn shrugged. "I guess so," she said, even if she wasn't sure she wanted to talk to Micah ever again.
"You know how adults are supposed to know what to do all the time?"
It wasn't what Dawn expected to hear, and in spite of herself, she turned her head, curious. "Don't you know what you're doing?"
"I do. We all do, I suppose." Micah ran his fingers over his nose, staring into space. "We learn what's going on, and make decisions based on that."
"What does this have to do with Anita?" Dawn asked.
Micah pulled his hand away from his face. "None of us really know what we're doing all the time. When we're faced with important decisions, we have to do the best we can, and sometimes it's not easy."
"So you yelled at Anita because I'm difficult?" Dawn said slowly, the words dragged out of her mouth reluctantly. If Micah didn't want her around, she didn't really want to know, because she had nowhere else to go and no one else to give a damn about her.
"No, Anita and I don't see eye to eye on the way she went about talking to Miss Wendell. But I need you to know something," Micah said, touching Dawn's wrist. "We might disagree on some things, but what we do agree on is wanting you here."
"Oh." Dawn felt a little flutter of happiness in her chest, but it was still mixed up with the confusion and fear from the fight, echoing off Anita somewhere in the house. She really didn't know how she was going to survive having all these feelings in her all the time. "Really?"
"Totally." Micah smiled, and it looked as if he really meant it.
"Okay." Taking a breath, Dawn stood up and held out her hand to Micah. "Then you have to come with me."
"Where are we going?" Micah asked, letting Dawn walk him down the stairs.
"To find Anita," Dawn instructed. "Because you may be okay and I may be okay but Anita's not okay and we have to make that better."
"Dawn..."
"We can make it better," Dawn said firmly. "That's what families do, they fight and then they make it better and it's okay because they're families." She concentrated on the steps for a moment. "That's what Buffy and I used to do."
Micah didn't say anything, and Dawn wasn't sure he'd heard her.
"Where is she?" Dawn asked, louder this time.
"In her room," Micah said. "With Nathaniel."
"Come on, then. You'll apologize and she'll be better and you won't be fighting any more."
That was the way it had to be. Before Dawn had come, Anita and Micah and Nathaniel had been a family. She wasn't going to let her presence break up Anita's family, especially if they were the only people in this world that cared about her.
It just wasn't going to happen.
to be continued...