good behavior
So, DGM 182. Is it just me, or is Allen/Kanda getting easier all the time?
That chapter, it made me very happy. And clearly, since it made me happy, I wrote something weird and angsty about it. Clearly.
First time I've ever written anything from Allen's point of view. It turned out, uh. Different.
Thanks to zephy_magnum for the high-speed beta! :D I...I promise I'll finish one of the 15 WIPs? Soon? *FAILS*
DGM does not belong to me.
ETA: Now with podfic by rhea314! :D
Good Behavior
It’s not exactly a knock at the door; it’s more a fist slammed into it. That means there’s only one person who can be on the other side.
Kanda. Always little-kid mad about everything. I guess nobody ever taught him that showing you’re mad gets you nothing but a fist in the face. Lucky guy.
“Knocking down my door at this hour, Kanda?” I ask, opening the door and leaning against the frame. “People will get the wrong idea.”
“The fuck are you talking about?”
It is so weird how innocent he seems, sometimes.
“Nothing.” I push away from the frame and back up to let him in the room. “What did you want to say?”
I assume he’s here to talk. Surely even he’s not up for a fight at…ungodly hour of the morning.
“The hell happened today?” he asks. Always right to the point, Kanda. That’s good. Maybe it’s because of all the acting happy over the last couple weeks, but I’ve about lost patience with dancing around the subject myself.
“What happened?” And since being evasive with Kanda is a waste of subtlety... “I forgot I was a Noah.” The shellshocked face is so satisfying. “Whoops.”
“You are not a fucking Noah,” he says, voice tight. Maybe he’ll try to shake the Noah out of me. That would be hilarious.
This is great. No, this is fantastic. I’m not allowed to be upset, I’m not allowed have tantrums, I’m not allowed to break faces just because I feel like shit. But maybe I can get Kanda to do it for me. So straightforward, Kanda. Never has been able to hide much. That makes him easy.
I probably can’t get him to cry for me, though. Shame.
“Kanda.” I smile. I know he hates that smile. “It looks like God thinks otherwise.”
“Bullshit,” he says. “It was attacking the Noah in you. It wasn’t attacking you.”
“It hurt a lot, for something that wasn’t attacking me.” Seriously, Innocence, I thought we had a deal. I thought we had understanding. I thought we were close. Or is God as fickle as Master always said?
“You’re an exorcist,” Kanda insists, like if he says it often enough, that’ll make it the only thing that’s true. Aw, he cares. Who knew?
Well. I did, actually.
He sounds almost as hysterical about it as I feel, and that. That feels good. All I’d have to do would be to lay it out for him like it really is, and I bet I could have him breaking stuff and screaming. It would be great.
But what would Mana think of me? You don’t treat people like that.
“I’m an exorcist and a Noah,” I tell him. (Don’t hurt him on purpose, don’t hurt him on purpose, that’s sick.) “I’m probably unprecedented.” He doesn’t look like he feels much better. It would be so easy to make him feel worse. God. “I’m still alive, though. You don’t need to worry about me.”
He crosses his arms. Defensive. Which is too bad, because defensive always makes me want to attack. “Idiot beansprout. Who’s worried?”
“Call me Allen.” Bastard, how many times have I said that? “And if you’re not worried, why did you wake me up in the middle of the night?”
Not that I was sleeping, bless insomnia. But I should have been. It’s a pointless question anyway, because I know full fucking well what he’s doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night. Which is more than he knows. Stupid Kanda.
“I came to find out if you plan to fall down screaming every time we get into a fight.”
Yeah right. But I give him points for being able to push every one of my buttons.
“If you think I’m such a liability, maybe you should refuse to work with me.” Like Chaoji did. Noah traitor types, can’t trust them. Fair enough.
“I’m not going to turn down missions because of your incompetence,” he snaps.
“Ooh, you’re so dedicated.” Oh hell, I’m cooing at him. How does he always bring out the bastard in me? “That must be why you’re my shadow now, huh?”
He freezes.
Your damn mouth, Allen Walker.
I swore to myself I’d never bring this up. I swore it would be something we both knew but never mentioned, because what would be the point of talking about it?
So much for that plan.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, wary. He should be wary. Who knows what I’ll do next? Not me.
And it’s not like him to dodge. You can tell it’s not like him by the way he sucks at it.
“Nothing,” I say. I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.
“Don’t say nothing.” If his voice climbs much more, he’ll wake up Link. Poor Marie has probably been listening to this whole damn conversation.
“What should I say, Kanda? I shouldn’t have said anything.” Check that out. Honesty.
“Shouldn’t have said anything about what?”
Don’t you dare act stupid. “Shouldn’t have said anything about how they sent you along to kill me if I turn Noah.”
He’s like a statue of himself against the wall, and I’ve never seen his eyes that wide. No response. No response, Kanda? And after you pushed so hard?
“But since you asked so politely.” I smile and he flinches. And it does feel good.
I step closer to him. Even though I shouldn’t step closer.
“Why did you come to my room, Kanda?”
No answer this time. Interesting. Did I strike him dumb with horror?
Step closer.
“You were so worried about that fight that it couldn’t wait until the morning?”
Closer.
“I’m touched.”
I can feel his breath on my face. He doesn’t know whether to be scared or pissed off or turned on. And he looks so young. He looks younger than I ever remember feeling.
I like this look on him.
Don’t wear the Mana mask, Master said. Did he have any idea what he was asking for? Or was it deliberate, the way he didn’t say that until he wasn't around to watch the fallout?
I could push you further than this, Kanda, and you’re too scattered to stop me. I could press up against you, I could shove you back against that wall, I could…
…What would Mana think of me?
I step back. So what if it hurts? I deserve it.
“You should get some sleep,” I tell Kanda, but I don’t dare look at him. Give myself ideas. “We’ll probably have another mission in the morning. You know how frantic everyone’s getting.”
A long silence. Probably the longest silence we’ve ever had between us when he wasn’t actively ignoring me.
“What the fuck, Walker?”
He’s gone and the door’s slammed behind him before I have a chance to answer. Just as well. What could I have said?
What the fuck, indeed. I wish I could blame the Fourteenth for this, but no. I’ve always been this nuts. This is just me coming apart under pressure.
Idiot beansprout.
Stupid apprentice.
Oh, Allen.
Pull it together, Walker. Kanda will pretend that never happened, but no one else would do you that favor. Show some control. You probably haven’t got much longer. Don’t fuck up the finale.