Christmas With Beaky Part II: The Gift
Title: Christmas With Beaky Part II: The Gift
Author: jncar
Format: Fic
Rating & Warnings: K+
Prompts: Presents and a pet
Word Count: 5,068
Summary: Two related fics. Part II: One year after her first Christmas with Buckbeak, Tonks visits the hippogriff in search of Christmas cheer. In the meantime, Remus is troubled by the news of Tonks's new Patronus, and decides to pay her an unexpected visit.
Author’s Notes: Here is Part II, also un-beta'ed. This is my first foray into hardcore R/T angst, and I am constantly afraid that I sometimes cross the line into the realm of melodrama, so any concrit you have on how well I handle the angst would be greatly appreciated.
Part I Here
Christmas with Beaky Part II: The Gift
“Here he is,” said Hagrid to Tonks, pointing at the grey hippogriff stamping it’s feet in the corral on the outskirts of the forest. “I gave him half a dozen ferrets this mornin’, but I know he’ll appreciate the treat yeh’ve brought him.”
“Good,” she replied. “He looks like he’s been doing well.”
“Very well. He’s been happy ter be back home where he belongs. He’s put on weight, an’ his feathers are thicker an’ his spirits are high.”
Tonks smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. I should have been to see him more often, but it looks like he’s been doing well enough without me.”
“But I’m sure he’ll be happy ter see yeh. Go on in. Stay as long as yeh like.”
“Thank you,” she said. Hagrid nodded, and turned back toward his cottage.
She climbed over the fence, and walked slowly through the hoof-churned snow toward Buckbeak-now Witherwings. The breeze blew some loose strands of her hair in front of her eyes. As she pushed the hair back behind her ears, she made a mental note to put it in a ponytail before starting her shift tonight.
As she drew near to him, she paused and bowed deeply. Buckbeak was quick to return her bow, and she walked up to him and stroked his smooth head. “Wotcher, Beaky,” she whispered. “Do you remember me? We used to spend lots of time together, you and I.”
Buckbeak let out a small, affectionate squawk, and pushed his head against her hands eagerly, clearly enjoyed his petting. “Maybe you do remember me, even with the brown hair,” she said. “Do you remember Sirius? He’d be happy to see you looking so well. So would Remus-” her voice caught in her throat.
She couldn’t think about Remus. She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t think about Remus. Not today. Not when she had Dementor duty tonight.
She needed to distract herself. “Guess what, Beaky? I brought you a special yum-yum.” She reached into her pocket, and pulled out a small package. She pointed at it with her wand, and returned it to its proper size. She removed the cloth covering it to reveal a large roast turkey.
Buckbeak squawked eagerly, and snapped up the drumstick she offered him. She smiled, and fed him one little bit of the turkey at a time. It was nice to be feeding him again. It reminded her of all the times she had helped Sirius with the task. She needed those happy memories tonight-the Dementors were breeding again.
Once Buckbeak had finished off the turkey, she leaned against his warm side, breathing in his earthy sent, and letting his soft feathers tickle her face as she petted him. She felt herself move slowly with the rise and fall of his chest. All she wanted was to blot out the pain that had been plaguing her. But she was beginning to realize that she had come to the wrong place to accomplish that goal.
Standing there with Buckbeak was bringing back too many memories of last Christmas-that happy morning out hunting with Beaky, when she and Remus had adopted Mr. Fluffy. And with those happy memories inevitably came the thoughts of heartbreak and worry. She buried her face in the feathers covering his shoulders, trying to hide from the specters of her own mind.
Buckbeak turned his head to nuzzle her affectionately. “You really do remember me-don’t you?” she said. “I don’t know how you can. Just look at me. I hardly recognize myself anymore. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left of me. But if you still know me, than maybe I haven’t changed as much as I thought.” The realization was oddly comforting. In fact, it was just the kind of comfort she’d been looking for.
She smiled. “Nothing like a visit with an old friend to raise the spirits, is there?”
She spent a few minutes stroking the ridges above his eyes, just the way he liked. Finally, she sighed. “I’ve got go. My shift is starting soon. Thanks for having Christmas dinner with me.” She laughed, and shook her head. “But we’d better keep this between just you and me. Molly would never forgive me for turning down a day at the Burrow for this.” She gave Buckbeak a few last pats, and finally turned and walked away. She had a long night ahead of her.
++++
Remus had been on pins and needles ever since lunch, when Harry told him about Tonks’s Patronus. Every clink of the cutlery made him jump, and the sound of every laugh made him wince.
He tried relieving his anxiety by pacing in the garden, but an impromptu snowball fight between the twins and Ron and Harry had driven him back indoors. He tried reading in his room, the merry sounds from below hidden by a silencing charm. But the noise of his own restless thoughts was far harder to escape.
Perhaps Harry was right, and the new Patronus was Padfoot. But try as he might, he couldn’t make himself believe it. He’d seen her Patronus-unchanged-several weeks after Sirius’s death. Surely if it were Padfoot the change would have happened sooner. That left only one alternative-but it was an absurd possibility. Almost obscene. It couldn’t be. He refused to believe it. But he couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Somehow, he managed to get through dinner and sat in a corner while the family played games all evening. Finally, they all headed upstairs for bed. Remus was still sitting in his corner when Molly went around extinguishing most of the lights. She stopped next to him. “I left a tin of my ginger biscuits on the kitchen table. When you go to see Tonks, would you take them along to give to her?”
Remus stared at her in surprise, and then slowly nodded. “Yes.”
Molly smiled. “Good,” she said. “Good night, dear.” She patted his shoulder, and without another word she disappeared up the stairs.
Twenty minutes later, he found himself bundled in his threadbare cloak, clutching a tin of ginger biscuits, walking toward the Hog’s Head. It was a cold and frosty evening, with the threat of more snow hanging heavily in the sky. But Remus was not as cold as he had been on many similar nights in the past few weeks-thanks to Tonks. She had left a new matching set of a hat, gloves, and a scarf with Dumbledore as a Christmas present for him, which he had gratefully received when he reported to Dumbledore several days ago.
So now he was on his way to see her, enjoying her present to him, with nothing to give her in return but a tin of Molly’s ginger biscuits. It was so pathetic that he nearly turned back. He hesitated outside the Hog’s Head for several minutes before finally working up the courage to go inside. The pub was empty, except for Aberforth standing behind the bar, wiping a glass with a grimy rag.
“Only ten minutes ‘til closing time,” he said when Remus walked in.
“I know,” said Remus, feeling flustered. “I just… I was wondering if…if maybe…do you know if Auror Tonks is in her room?”
Aberforth sniffed loudly. “No. She’s got night duty. She left at six. That gives her-” he glanced at the dusty clock on the wall, “more than five hours to go.”
“Oh,” said Remus, feeling crestfallen. Why did he feel so disappointed to miss her when he’d been so apprehensive to see her in the first place? And why was she stuck working the night shift on Christmas? He supposed he should go back to the Burrow, and try to sleep. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He sat down at the bar, and ordered a Firewhiskey. He sipped it slowly, watching the minutes tick by on the battered old clock. Finally, he said, “Would it be all right-possibly-if I could wait here for her?”
Aberforth eyed him for a long moment, before nodding with a grunt. “All right. But only if you pay for anything you drink.”
“I will,” said Remus.
Aberforth turned off the lamps and left for his adjoining flat. Remus chose a crooked little table in the corner, settling in for a long wait. He propped his legs up on the chair in front of him, and sat watching the snow falling lightly outside the window. Was she out in that snow right now, fighting off Dementors-or worse?
With thoughts of Tonks dancing in his head, he slowly drifted off to sleep.
He woke with a start at the sound of a door closing, and opened his eyes to see her standing in front of him, just inside the door, wearing the same heavy cloak and candy-striped scarf that she had worn last Christmas, when they went hunting with Buckbeak. But that was all that was the same. Her face had grown thin, with dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was a drab brown that escaped in wet tendrils from her ponytail. She stared at him with wide eyes, and stumbled back, reaching out a hand to steady herself against the wall. She seemed to be trembling.
“Nymphadora,” he said hoarsely, rising to his feet.
For the first time since he’d known her, she said nothing to correct his use of her Christian name. “Remus,” she said. “It really is you. At first I thought I must have fallen asleep walking home.” She paused, and then added, “Why are you here?”
He’d been wondering the same thing ever since he left the Burrow. Her stare was almost too much for him. He lowered his eyes, wondering what to say to her, when he caught sight of the tin. He reached out and picked it up, holding it out to her. “Molly sent you some ginger biscuits,” he said.
“Oh,” she replied, walking slowly toward him. She took the tin from him, her cold fingers brushing lightly against his, sending a shiver down his spine. “Thank you,” she said. She stared at him for another long moment, and said, “I’m going to sit down. I’m exhausted.”
He nodded, and they both sat down at opposite sides of the small, somewhat battered table. She was studying his face intently. He wondered what she saw there.
“You didn’t wait here half the night just to give me Molly’s biscuits…did you?” she said. Her voice sounded hopeful.
“No.” He shook his head.
“Then why?”
“I just wanted to see you again,” he admitted. It was the most honest thing he’d said all holiday.
“I’ve wanted to see you, as well,” she said. “I’m glad you got the present I left for you.”
“Yes, yes,” he stammered, clutching reflexively at the gloves and hat laying on the table in front of him. “They’re wonderful. They’ll be a great comfort to me when I return to the pack. Thank you.”
There was a short silence before she spoke. “I didn’t think you’d be able to get away from the pack for Christmas.”
“I didn’t either,” he replied. “It was a bit of good luck, really. The full moon was five nights ago…”
“I know,” she said.
He paused, contemplating the speed and certainty of her response. Had she known because she was still tracking the moon cycle like she had during their relationship? Or was it just her duty as an Auror to be aware of the full moon? Still uncertain, he continued. “The morning after the full moon, when we were all still worn out from the transformation, we were raided by the Werewolf Capture Unit. A few of us were captured, and the rest were scattered all over the countryside. Those of us who can Apparate scattered even further. It’s going to take weeks for the pack to fully regroup.”
“Was Greyback captured?”
Remus shook his head. “No. He escaped. I was planning on going after him right after I reported to Dumbledore, but he said I should take a few days off, to regain my strength. So I’ve been at the Burrow.”
“You were at the Burrow?” Her voice sounded pained.
He nodded. “Molly told me she invited you.” He paused before adding, “I thought you stayed away because of me.”
She shook her head, and his heart beat wildly. Did that mean she would have come if she’d known he was there? He had thought that the present was nothing but an act of kindness or pity, but now he wondered if it was possible that she still cared for him, after all these months? “Then why didn’t you come?” he asked.
“I wanted to rest up for my shift tonight. Most of the other Aurors had families to go to today, so I volunteered for this shift.”
“But what about your family? Didn’t you want to go to your parents?”
“I spent Christmas Eve with them,” she said. “But I didn’t stay long. I’m trying to convince them to go to Canada until the war is over, and I’ve almost won over Mum, but Dad is still dead set against it. We keep having rows about it. I don’t know why he’s being so stubborn. They barely escaped from Bellatrix last time, and if she comes after them again-”
“Bellatrix attacked your parents?” asked Remus in shock.
She froze. “You didn’t know?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t know.”
She looked down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. The last thing you need right now is to be worrying about my problems. You’ve got enough of your own.”
“Don’t apologize-please,” he said. “I’m the one who should be apologizing, for…so many things.”
A silence fell over them both, and he could see the uncertainty in her eyes as she looked down at the table, biting her bottom lip. Was he the reason for her drab appearance? Or was he just one of the list of stresses that had wiped away her color and vivacity? Regardless of the cause, he hated to see her so worn down and uncertain-the woman who had once been the picture of confidence and cheer. A dark, awful guilt was beginning to gnaw away at his stomach.
She looked back up at him. “You look so thin, and worn,” she said, echoing exactly what he had been thinking of her. “Things have been hard for you.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Yes,” he said, looking away from her gaze. “But I’m handling it.”
“You could have been handling it even better, if you had just…” she cut herself off, looking away from him. He knew exactly what she was going to say-her tone of voice was nearly identical to the one she had used in the dozens of arguments leading up to his departure. But was this merely a reversion to old habits, or did she really think he was still worth fighting for?
He had no desire to revisit the old arguments: he was too old for her, too poor for her, and too dangerous for her. The reasons he had given when he ended their relationship were valid now more than ever, but he hadn’t come here to argue. In fact, he still wasn’t quite sure why he had come here at all. He had wanted to see her-desperately. But he shouldn’t have given in to temptation. He should have stayed away.
He sat in silence, unsure of what to say or do next. Unsure of how to make a graceful exit.
“Is Snape still getting you your potion every month?” she asked, breaking the silence with an unexpected question.
He looked up at her in surprise. “Yes. Yes. We’ve managed it every month. It hasn’t been easy, but we’ve managed.”
“Does it…” Once again, she seemed uncertain, when once she had always been so sure of what to say. “Does it help at all, when you’re with the pack? Do they notice?”
“It does help. And they haven’t noticed. Not yet, at any rate. But the potion has helped quite a bit. Greyback has them all so mesmerized that I’m having little success getting any of them to even start thinking about leaving him, let alone actually doing it. But I have been able to warn quite a few intended victims of full-moon attacks in advance, so that they can protect themselves. And thanks to the potion, I have wits enough to run ahead of the pack and scare off anyone who is in danger of being bitten. Those are the only accomplishments of this…mission,” he almost choked on the word, “of mine. I haven’t even been entirely successful at those.” He turned away from her again, afraid that all his bitterness, frustration, and shame would be evident on his face. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He had at least a little of his pride left, and he wasn’t ready to give it up yet.
“You’ve been saving people’s lives,” she said. “How can you call that unsuccessful? The people you’ve saved wouldn’t say that.”
“But the people whom I failed to save would call me very unsuccessful indeed-those of them that can still talk,” he snapped back at her with more anger than he had intended. She winced, and looked away.
“It’s a war,” she said quietly, still looking down at the marred table top. “Wars have casualties. We can’t save everyone.”
“But we have to try. It is our duty to try. And with those poor souls who were bitten or killed under my watch, I didn’t try hard enough. I was too afraid of being found out. Too afraid of being killed. So I sacrificed them to save my own wretched life.” This time it was Remus who turned away, trying to hide the shame on his face.
“You did the right thing,” she said forcefully. “By staying alive, you are in the position to save dozens of other lives. Sometimes in war you have to balance the needs of the few with the needs of the many…”
He cut her off before she could continue. “I assure you, my motives were nowhere near the level of nobility that you’re trying to ascribe to them. I was motivated only by cowardice, and a rather overwhelming fear of being brutally beaten to death-an event which I was unfortunate enough to witness happening to one of my fellows earlier this year.”
“I’m sorry,” she said softly, and when he looked at her he could see pity in her eyes. The last thing he had ever wanted from her was pity. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of being afraid. Everyone is afraid, sometimes.”
He shook his head. “It’s not the fear that I’m ashamed of. It’s how I let the fear control me. I didn’t care about the mission, or the war, or the other people the pack was going to hurt. I only cared about myself. I reverted to pure survival instincts-like the animal I am.”
“No!” she said. “Never, ever say that Remus Lupin! You are not an animal!” Her eyes were fiery, and her face hard.
“But I am,” he said softly, looking out the window at the falling snow. “I’m almost as much of an animal as the rest of them. It’s only a matter of time.”
“Remus…” she began, reaching out to him once more.
He ignored her proffered hand, and continued to speak. “Dumbledore insisted I stay in a guest room in the castle the night of my report, instead of going straight to the Burrow. And I understood why when I saw myself in the mirror. If I’d gone looking like that, I’d likely have scared Molly and the children. I hardly knew myself. It was like there was almost nothing left of the man I once was-all that was left was the animal that had taken his place. I ended up staying two nights at the castle before I felt human enough to face Harry and the Weasleys again.”
“You’re exhausted, and starving, and demoralized,” said Tonks, “but that doesn’t make you any less of a human being.” She moved from the chair across the table to the one right next to him. He continued to ignore her obvious offers of affection. He couldn’t accept that form of comfort from her-not anymore.
Instead, he looked her steadily in the eyes and said, “How is Mr. Fluffy doing?”
She looked as startled by the question as he intended her to be. “He’s…he’s fine,” she said. “I saw him a few weeks ago. Arabella is taking good care of him. She’s taught all her cats not to hurt him, and one of her big half-Kneazles has adopted him. It guards him from the others, and gives them a good pounding if they get too close. He’s looking fat and happy. Much fatter and happier than either of us, at any rate.”
“I glad to hear it,” Remus said softly. After a pause, he said, “I ate a rabbit during my last transformation.”
Tonks made no sound, but Remus noticed that she had stiffened up. “It was after I made my rounds to scare off any humans in the area,” he said. “We’d had nothing to eat all week but moldy potatoes. I was weak and light-headed from hunger. The pain of an empty stomach had only gotten worse after transforming. And suddenly, it was there. Right in front of me-a large, fat rabbit. I was down wind, so it had no warning of my presence. I didn’t even stop to think. I pounced on it, ripped open its neck, and ate it. Then I lapped up all the spilled blood on the snow.” He shook his head, looking back out at the falling snow. “I didn’t care about anything but the hunger gnawing at my stomach. That was the first time I’ve ever eaten live prey during a transformation-and it wasn’t the wolf that did it. It was me! I let go of my humanity, and became one of the animals I was sent out to stop. The man who couldn’t even bear to watch Buckbeak eat a rabbit is long gone. There’s nothing left of him. And I don’t yet know what’s taken his place.”
He knew as he spoke that this was finally the end. Once she knew what he had become, he would truly lose her forever-once and for all. He continued to watch the snow falling, wishing it would bury him forever. Suddenly, he felt her hand on his arm.
He turned to look at her. There was no disgust or horror in her eyes. Not even pity. Instead she miraculously looked every bit as confident and certain as she had one year ago, when she summoned a silly rabbit out of harm’s way for his sake, and insisted they keep it as a pet.
“You’re wrong,” she said. “You’re the same man you always have been-or you wouldn’t have come here tonight, and you wouldn’t be confessing this to me. You may be bruised, and broken, and afraid-but you’re still the man I fell in love with, and there’s nothing you can do or say to convince me otherwise.”
He looked in disbelief at her thin, pale face and her limp brown hair. It wasn’t possible. Could she really still love him, after all that he’d done to her? After everything he’d confessed?
“I know you don’t believe me,” she said, gripping his arm tightly, “but I can prove it to you. Watch.”
She extended her wand, and said, “Expecto Patronum.”
A silver cloud burst from her wand, and rapidly coalesced into a large, four-legged form. The creature ambled a few paces away from them, and then turned to look at him, wagging its tail.
It was a werewolf.
It was him.
“No,” he whispered hoarsely. “This doesn’t mean what you think it means. The trauma…The stress…Those are the real reasons. Not because…”
“Because I still love you,” she said.
He shook his head. “I don’t deserve your love.”
“You have it, whether you deserve it or not. And I’m inclined to think that you do.”
Remus watched the shimmering werewolf Patronus as it stepped closer to him, finally reaching him. A wave of warmth and strength surged through him as it nuzzled him with its muzzle. The sensations of lightness and comfort spreading through his body were more potent than any Cheering Charm could ever have produced. With a final toothy grin, the Patronus vanished.
“I was on Dementor duty tonight,” she said, staring at the spot where the wolf had just stood. “Savage sent me home two hours early because I’d run out of strength. I could no longer conjure a corporeal Patronus.” She looked back into his eyes. Her own were shining and bright. “And then I found you here. And now I have all the strength I need.”
“Tonks,” he said. “How? I’ve never heard of a Patronus changing before. How?”
She smiled at him, sliding her hand down his arm, to grip his hand tightly in her own. “It was you, Remus. You are my strength, my happiness, and my hope. You always will be. My Patronus may have changed once-but it’s never changing again.”
The lingering warmth the Patronus had left in him continued to stir his mind and flow through his body. She loved him! After everything, she still loved him!
He knew he should resist his feelings. He knew he should get up and leave now-before he could do any more damage. But he didn’t have enough strength to fight every molecule in his body crying out to touch her.
He pulled her into his arms, and felt another surge of warmth as she rested her head against his chest. He gripped her tightly, letting all the dark and troubled thoughts flow away from him as he lost himself in her embrace, leaning his cheek into her hair and breathing deeply of her familiar scent. If only the world could end right now, he would die a happy man.
But the world didn’t end. And their embrace couldn’t last forever. He needed to return to the pack, before his absence became suspicious-and before Molly could make him visibly fatter.
He had to leave her. Again.
He pulled back from her. She reached up to touch his face, silently pleading for more with both her eyes and her body. It was almost more than he could bear. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to savor the feeling of her hand on his cheek for another long moment, before reaching up to take her hand in his own and to move it away from his cheek and down to his side.
“Stay,” she said, as if reading his thoughts. “Please stay. Just for today.”
“I can’t,” he said. “It wouldn’t be safe. It could put you in danger to be seen with me.”
“I’m already in danger.” Her eyes glinted, challenging him.
“I know,” he replied. “That’s not the only reason.”
“Then why?”
“Because if I let myself have this,” he waved his hand back and forth between the two of them, “even just for a day, then I don’t know if I’ll have the will to go back.” He let that hang in the air for a moment before adding. “I have to go back. You know that.”
She bit her lip again. “I know,” she said. “You have more lives to save.”
Somehow, the sentiment that would have seemed mocking just an hour ago now resonated with truth. He nodded. “Yes.”
She nodded in silent agreement. He stood, reluctantly releasing her hands as he backed away. She stood as well, watching him.
“Remus,” she said. “While you’re out there saving lives, would you try to hold on to your own, as well?” Her voice was now tinged with sorrow, and he felt that if he looked into her eyes for much longer he would have to come back to her arms and never leave them again. He looked away. As much as her words had strengthened him, he knew that he should not have come just to leave her once more broken hearted. She deserved so much better than this.
She had given him so much, during this brief meeting, and he had nothing to give her in return.
He could feel her eyes still boring into him. She wouldn’t let him leave without an answer. He gave a slight nod. “Yes,” he said. “I’ll try. For your sake.” He finished shuffling his way to the door, took the handle in his hand, and turned to look at her one last time.
She still stood beside the little crooked table, staring at him out of sorrow-filled eyes. “You’d better do more than try, Remus Lupin,” she said. “Because it would be horribly rude of you to keep a lady waiting. And I will be waiting. When this is all over, and you can come home, I’ll be waiting for you. Never forget that.” A slight quaver in her voice betrayed the true feeling behind the forced confidence of her words.
“You deserve so much better than I can ever give you,” he replied, his heart aching for the stubbornly strong woman he was about to abandon for the second time.
“Maybe I do,” she said, her jaw set. “But I don’t want better. I want you. And nothing you can say will change my mind.”
Remus couldn’t begin to fathom what he had done to earn the kind of loyal devotion that she offered him. Part of him wished that she would let go of it, and move on. But another part of him selfishly delighted in it, and he could not quell that feeling no matter how much he tried.
So he stopped trying.
“I love you, Nymphadora Tonks,” he said simply. It was the only Christmas gift he had to give her, and he knew that it was the right choice when he saw her whole face brighten with joy.
“Goodbye,” he whispered, stepping out into the cold and darkness that waited outside, pulling the door firmly shut behind him.
Author: jncar
Format: Fic
Rating & Warnings: K+
Prompts: Presents and a pet
Word Count: 5,068
Summary: Two related fics. Part II: One year after her first Christmas with Buckbeak, Tonks visits the hippogriff in search of Christmas cheer. In the meantime, Remus is troubled by the news of Tonks's new Patronus, and decides to pay her an unexpected visit.
Author’s Notes: Here is Part II, also un-beta'ed. This is my first foray into hardcore R/T angst, and I am constantly afraid that I sometimes cross the line into the realm of melodrama, so any concrit you have on how well I handle the angst would be greatly appreciated.
Part I Here
Christmas with Beaky Part II: The Gift
“Here he is,” said Hagrid to Tonks, pointing at the grey hippogriff stamping it’s feet in the corral on the outskirts of the forest. “I gave him half a dozen ferrets this mornin’, but I know he’ll appreciate the treat yeh’ve brought him.”
“Good,” she replied. “He looks like he’s been doing well.”
“Very well. He’s been happy ter be back home where he belongs. He’s put on weight, an’ his feathers are thicker an’ his spirits are high.”
Tonks smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. I should have been to see him more often, but it looks like he’s been doing well enough without me.”
“But I’m sure he’ll be happy ter see yeh. Go on in. Stay as long as yeh like.”
“Thank you,” she said. Hagrid nodded, and turned back toward his cottage.
She climbed over the fence, and walked slowly through the hoof-churned snow toward Buckbeak-now Witherwings. The breeze blew some loose strands of her hair in front of her eyes. As she pushed the hair back behind her ears, she made a mental note to put it in a ponytail before starting her shift tonight.
As she drew near to him, she paused and bowed deeply. Buckbeak was quick to return her bow, and she walked up to him and stroked his smooth head. “Wotcher, Beaky,” she whispered. “Do you remember me? We used to spend lots of time together, you and I.”
Buckbeak let out a small, affectionate squawk, and pushed his head against her hands eagerly, clearly enjoyed his petting. “Maybe you do remember me, even with the brown hair,” she said. “Do you remember Sirius? He’d be happy to see you looking so well. So would Remus-” her voice caught in her throat.
She couldn’t think about Remus. She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t think about Remus. Not today. Not when she had Dementor duty tonight.
She needed to distract herself. “Guess what, Beaky? I brought you a special yum-yum.” She reached into her pocket, and pulled out a small package. She pointed at it with her wand, and returned it to its proper size. She removed the cloth covering it to reveal a large roast turkey.
Buckbeak squawked eagerly, and snapped up the drumstick she offered him. She smiled, and fed him one little bit of the turkey at a time. It was nice to be feeding him again. It reminded her of all the times she had helped Sirius with the task. She needed those happy memories tonight-the Dementors were breeding again.
Once Buckbeak had finished off the turkey, she leaned against his warm side, breathing in his earthy sent, and letting his soft feathers tickle her face as she petted him. She felt herself move slowly with the rise and fall of his chest. All she wanted was to blot out the pain that had been plaguing her. But she was beginning to realize that she had come to the wrong place to accomplish that goal.
Standing there with Buckbeak was bringing back too many memories of last Christmas-that happy morning out hunting with Beaky, when she and Remus had adopted Mr. Fluffy. And with those happy memories inevitably came the thoughts of heartbreak and worry. She buried her face in the feathers covering his shoulders, trying to hide from the specters of her own mind.
Buckbeak turned his head to nuzzle her affectionately. “You really do remember me-don’t you?” she said. “I don’t know how you can. Just look at me. I hardly recognize myself anymore. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left of me. But if you still know me, than maybe I haven’t changed as much as I thought.” The realization was oddly comforting. In fact, it was just the kind of comfort she’d been looking for.
She smiled. “Nothing like a visit with an old friend to raise the spirits, is there?”
She spent a few minutes stroking the ridges above his eyes, just the way he liked. Finally, she sighed. “I’ve got go. My shift is starting soon. Thanks for having Christmas dinner with me.” She laughed, and shook her head. “But we’d better keep this between just you and me. Molly would never forgive me for turning down a day at the Burrow for this.” She gave Buckbeak a few last pats, and finally turned and walked away. She had a long night ahead of her.
++++
Remus had been on pins and needles ever since lunch, when Harry told him about Tonks’s Patronus. Every clink of the cutlery made him jump, and the sound of every laugh made him wince.
He tried relieving his anxiety by pacing in the garden, but an impromptu snowball fight between the twins and Ron and Harry had driven him back indoors. He tried reading in his room, the merry sounds from below hidden by a silencing charm. But the noise of his own restless thoughts was far harder to escape.
Perhaps Harry was right, and the new Patronus was Padfoot. But try as he might, he couldn’t make himself believe it. He’d seen her Patronus-unchanged-several weeks after Sirius’s death. Surely if it were Padfoot the change would have happened sooner. That left only one alternative-but it was an absurd possibility. Almost obscene. It couldn’t be. He refused to believe it. But he couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Somehow, he managed to get through dinner and sat in a corner while the family played games all evening. Finally, they all headed upstairs for bed. Remus was still sitting in his corner when Molly went around extinguishing most of the lights. She stopped next to him. “I left a tin of my ginger biscuits on the kitchen table. When you go to see Tonks, would you take them along to give to her?”
Remus stared at her in surprise, and then slowly nodded. “Yes.”
Molly smiled. “Good,” she said. “Good night, dear.” She patted his shoulder, and without another word she disappeared up the stairs.
Twenty minutes later, he found himself bundled in his threadbare cloak, clutching a tin of ginger biscuits, walking toward the Hog’s Head. It was a cold and frosty evening, with the threat of more snow hanging heavily in the sky. But Remus was not as cold as he had been on many similar nights in the past few weeks-thanks to Tonks. She had left a new matching set of a hat, gloves, and a scarf with Dumbledore as a Christmas present for him, which he had gratefully received when he reported to Dumbledore several days ago.
So now he was on his way to see her, enjoying her present to him, with nothing to give her in return but a tin of Molly’s ginger biscuits. It was so pathetic that he nearly turned back. He hesitated outside the Hog’s Head for several minutes before finally working up the courage to go inside. The pub was empty, except for Aberforth standing behind the bar, wiping a glass with a grimy rag.
“Only ten minutes ‘til closing time,” he said when Remus walked in.
“I know,” said Remus, feeling flustered. “I just… I was wondering if…if maybe…do you know if Auror Tonks is in her room?”
Aberforth sniffed loudly. “No. She’s got night duty. She left at six. That gives her-” he glanced at the dusty clock on the wall, “more than five hours to go.”
“Oh,” said Remus, feeling crestfallen. Why did he feel so disappointed to miss her when he’d been so apprehensive to see her in the first place? And why was she stuck working the night shift on Christmas? He supposed he should go back to the Burrow, and try to sleep. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He sat down at the bar, and ordered a Firewhiskey. He sipped it slowly, watching the minutes tick by on the battered old clock. Finally, he said, “Would it be all right-possibly-if I could wait here for her?”
Aberforth eyed him for a long moment, before nodding with a grunt. “All right. But only if you pay for anything you drink.”
“I will,” said Remus.
Aberforth turned off the lamps and left for his adjoining flat. Remus chose a crooked little table in the corner, settling in for a long wait. He propped his legs up on the chair in front of him, and sat watching the snow falling lightly outside the window. Was she out in that snow right now, fighting off Dementors-or worse?
With thoughts of Tonks dancing in his head, he slowly drifted off to sleep.
He woke with a start at the sound of a door closing, and opened his eyes to see her standing in front of him, just inside the door, wearing the same heavy cloak and candy-striped scarf that she had worn last Christmas, when they went hunting with Buckbeak. But that was all that was the same. Her face had grown thin, with dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was a drab brown that escaped in wet tendrils from her ponytail. She stared at him with wide eyes, and stumbled back, reaching out a hand to steady herself against the wall. She seemed to be trembling.
“Nymphadora,” he said hoarsely, rising to his feet.
For the first time since he’d known her, she said nothing to correct his use of her Christian name. “Remus,” she said. “It really is you. At first I thought I must have fallen asleep walking home.” She paused, and then added, “Why are you here?”
He’d been wondering the same thing ever since he left the Burrow. Her stare was almost too much for him. He lowered his eyes, wondering what to say to her, when he caught sight of the tin. He reached out and picked it up, holding it out to her. “Molly sent you some ginger biscuits,” he said.
“Oh,” she replied, walking slowly toward him. She took the tin from him, her cold fingers brushing lightly against his, sending a shiver down his spine. “Thank you,” she said. She stared at him for another long moment, and said, “I’m going to sit down. I’m exhausted.”
He nodded, and they both sat down at opposite sides of the small, somewhat battered table. She was studying his face intently. He wondered what she saw there.
“You didn’t wait here half the night just to give me Molly’s biscuits…did you?” she said. Her voice sounded hopeful.
“No.” He shook his head.
“Then why?”
“I just wanted to see you again,” he admitted. It was the most honest thing he’d said all holiday.
“I’ve wanted to see you, as well,” she said. “I’m glad you got the present I left for you.”
“Yes, yes,” he stammered, clutching reflexively at the gloves and hat laying on the table in front of him. “They’re wonderful. They’ll be a great comfort to me when I return to the pack. Thank you.”
There was a short silence before she spoke. “I didn’t think you’d be able to get away from the pack for Christmas.”
“I didn’t either,” he replied. “It was a bit of good luck, really. The full moon was five nights ago…”
“I know,” she said.
He paused, contemplating the speed and certainty of her response. Had she known because she was still tracking the moon cycle like she had during their relationship? Or was it just her duty as an Auror to be aware of the full moon? Still uncertain, he continued. “The morning after the full moon, when we were all still worn out from the transformation, we were raided by the Werewolf Capture Unit. A few of us were captured, and the rest were scattered all over the countryside. Those of us who can Apparate scattered even further. It’s going to take weeks for the pack to fully regroup.”
“Was Greyback captured?”
Remus shook his head. “No. He escaped. I was planning on going after him right after I reported to Dumbledore, but he said I should take a few days off, to regain my strength. So I’ve been at the Burrow.”
“You were at the Burrow?” Her voice sounded pained.
He nodded. “Molly told me she invited you.” He paused before adding, “I thought you stayed away because of me.”
She shook her head, and his heart beat wildly. Did that mean she would have come if she’d known he was there? He had thought that the present was nothing but an act of kindness or pity, but now he wondered if it was possible that she still cared for him, after all these months? “Then why didn’t you come?” he asked.
“I wanted to rest up for my shift tonight. Most of the other Aurors had families to go to today, so I volunteered for this shift.”
“But what about your family? Didn’t you want to go to your parents?”
“I spent Christmas Eve with them,” she said. “But I didn’t stay long. I’m trying to convince them to go to Canada until the war is over, and I’ve almost won over Mum, but Dad is still dead set against it. We keep having rows about it. I don’t know why he’s being so stubborn. They barely escaped from Bellatrix last time, and if she comes after them again-”
“Bellatrix attacked your parents?” asked Remus in shock.
She froze. “You didn’t know?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t know.”
She looked down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. The last thing you need right now is to be worrying about my problems. You’ve got enough of your own.”
“Don’t apologize-please,” he said. “I’m the one who should be apologizing, for…so many things.”
A silence fell over them both, and he could see the uncertainty in her eyes as she looked down at the table, biting her bottom lip. Was he the reason for her drab appearance? Or was he just one of the list of stresses that had wiped away her color and vivacity? Regardless of the cause, he hated to see her so worn down and uncertain-the woman who had once been the picture of confidence and cheer. A dark, awful guilt was beginning to gnaw away at his stomach.
She looked back up at him. “You look so thin, and worn,” she said, echoing exactly what he had been thinking of her. “Things have been hard for you.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Yes,” he said, looking away from her gaze. “But I’m handling it.”
“You could have been handling it even better, if you had just…” she cut herself off, looking away from him. He knew exactly what she was going to say-her tone of voice was nearly identical to the one she had used in the dozens of arguments leading up to his departure. But was this merely a reversion to old habits, or did she really think he was still worth fighting for?
He had no desire to revisit the old arguments: he was too old for her, too poor for her, and too dangerous for her. The reasons he had given when he ended their relationship were valid now more than ever, but he hadn’t come here to argue. In fact, he still wasn’t quite sure why he had come here at all. He had wanted to see her-desperately. But he shouldn’t have given in to temptation. He should have stayed away.
He sat in silence, unsure of what to say or do next. Unsure of how to make a graceful exit.
“Is Snape still getting you your potion every month?” she asked, breaking the silence with an unexpected question.
He looked up at her in surprise. “Yes. Yes. We’ve managed it every month. It hasn’t been easy, but we’ve managed.”
“Does it…” Once again, she seemed uncertain, when once she had always been so sure of what to say. “Does it help at all, when you’re with the pack? Do they notice?”
“It does help. And they haven’t noticed. Not yet, at any rate. But the potion has helped quite a bit. Greyback has them all so mesmerized that I’m having little success getting any of them to even start thinking about leaving him, let alone actually doing it. But I have been able to warn quite a few intended victims of full-moon attacks in advance, so that they can protect themselves. And thanks to the potion, I have wits enough to run ahead of the pack and scare off anyone who is in danger of being bitten. Those are the only accomplishments of this…mission,” he almost choked on the word, “of mine. I haven’t even been entirely successful at those.” He turned away from her again, afraid that all his bitterness, frustration, and shame would be evident on his face. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He had at least a little of his pride left, and he wasn’t ready to give it up yet.
“You’ve been saving people’s lives,” she said. “How can you call that unsuccessful? The people you’ve saved wouldn’t say that.”
“But the people whom I failed to save would call me very unsuccessful indeed-those of them that can still talk,” he snapped back at her with more anger than he had intended. She winced, and looked away.
“It’s a war,” she said quietly, still looking down at the marred table top. “Wars have casualties. We can’t save everyone.”
“But we have to try. It is our duty to try. And with those poor souls who were bitten or killed under my watch, I didn’t try hard enough. I was too afraid of being found out. Too afraid of being killed. So I sacrificed them to save my own wretched life.” This time it was Remus who turned away, trying to hide the shame on his face.
“You did the right thing,” she said forcefully. “By staying alive, you are in the position to save dozens of other lives. Sometimes in war you have to balance the needs of the few with the needs of the many…”
He cut her off before she could continue. “I assure you, my motives were nowhere near the level of nobility that you’re trying to ascribe to them. I was motivated only by cowardice, and a rather overwhelming fear of being brutally beaten to death-an event which I was unfortunate enough to witness happening to one of my fellows earlier this year.”
“I’m sorry,” she said softly, and when he looked at her he could see pity in her eyes. The last thing he had ever wanted from her was pity. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of being afraid. Everyone is afraid, sometimes.”
He shook his head. “It’s not the fear that I’m ashamed of. It’s how I let the fear control me. I didn’t care about the mission, or the war, or the other people the pack was going to hurt. I only cared about myself. I reverted to pure survival instincts-like the animal I am.”
“No!” she said. “Never, ever say that Remus Lupin! You are not an animal!” Her eyes were fiery, and her face hard.
“But I am,” he said softly, looking out the window at the falling snow. “I’m almost as much of an animal as the rest of them. It’s only a matter of time.”
“Remus…” she began, reaching out to him once more.
He ignored her proffered hand, and continued to speak. “Dumbledore insisted I stay in a guest room in the castle the night of my report, instead of going straight to the Burrow. And I understood why when I saw myself in the mirror. If I’d gone looking like that, I’d likely have scared Molly and the children. I hardly knew myself. It was like there was almost nothing left of the man I once was-all that was left was the animal that had taken his place. I ended up staying two nights at the castle before I felt human enough to face Harry and the Weasleys again.”
“You’re exhausted, and starving, and demoralized,” said Tonks, “but that doesn’t make you any less of a human being.” She moved from the chair across the table to the one right next to him. He continued to ignore her obvious offers of affection. He couldn’t accept that form of comfort from her-not anymore.
Instead, he looked her steadily in the eyes and said, “How is Mr. Fluffy doing?”
She looked as startled by the question as he intended her to be. “He’s…he’s fine,” she said. “I saw him a few weeks ago. Arabella is taking good care of him. She’s taught all her cats not to hurt him, and one of her big half-Kneazles has adopted him. It guards him from the others, and gives them a good pounding if they get too close. He’s looking fat and happy. Much fatter and happier than either of us, at any rate.”
“I glad to hear it,” Remus said softly. After a pause, he said, “I ate a rabbit during my last transformation.”
Tonks made no sound, but Remus noticed that she had stiffened up. “It was after I made my rounds to scare off any humans in the area,” he said. “We’d had nothing to eat all week but moldy potatoes. I was weak and light-headed from hunger. The pain of an empty stomach had only gotten worse after transforming. And suddenly, it was there. Right in front of me-a large, fat rabbit. I was down wind, so it had no warning of my presence. I didn’t even stop to think. I pounced on it, ripped open its neck, and ate it. Then I lapped up all the spilled blood on the snow.” He shook his head, looking back out at the falling snow. “I didn’t care about anything but the hunger gnawing at my stomach. That was the first time I’ve ever eaten live prey during a transformation-and it wasn’t the wolf that did it. It was me! I let go of my humanity, and became one of the animals I was sent out to stop. The man who couldn’t even bear to watch Buckbeak eat a rabbit is long gone. There’s nothing left of him. And I don’t yet know what’s taken his place.”
He knew as he spoke that this was finally the end. Once she knew what he had become, he would truly lose her forever-once and for all. He continued to watch the snow falling, wishing it would bury him forever. Suddenly, he felt her hand on his arm.
He turned to look at her. There was no disgust or horror in her eyes. Not even pity. Instead she miraculously looked every bit as confident and certain as she had one year ago, when she summoned a silly rabbit out of harm’s way for his sake, and insisted they keep it as a pet.
“You’re wrong,” she said. “You’re the same man you always have been-or you wouldn’t have come here tonight, and you wouldn’t be confessing this to me. You may be bruised, and broken, and afraid-but you’re still the man I fell in love with, and there’s nothing you can do or say to convince me otherwise.”
He looked in disbelief at her thin, pale face and her limp brown hair. It wasn’t possible. Could she really still love him, after all that he’d done to her? After everything he’d confessed?
“I know you don’t believe me,” she said, gripping his arm tightly, “but I can prove it to you. Watch.”
She extended her wand, and said, “Expecto Patronum.”
A silver cloud burst from her wand, and rapidly coalesced into a large, four-legged form. The creature ambled a few paces away from them, and then turned to look at him, wagging its tail.
It was a werewolf.
It was him.
“No,” he whispered hoarsely. “This doesn’t mean what you think it means. The trauma…The stress…Those are the real reasons. Not because…”
“Because I still love you,” she said.
He shook his head. “I don’t deserve your love.”
“You have it, whether you deserve it or not. And I’m inclined to think that you do.”
Remus watched the shimmering werewolf Patronus as it stepped closer to him, finally reaching him. A wave of warmth and strength surged through him as it nuzzled him with its muzzle. The sensations of lightness and comfort spreading through his body were more potent than any Cheering Charm could ever have produced. With a final toothy grin, the Patronus vanished.
“I was on Dementor duty tonight,” she said, staring at the spot where the wolf had just stood. “Savage sent me home two hours early because I’d run out of strength. I could no longer conjure a corporeal Patronus.” She looked back into his eyes. Her own were shining and bright. “And then I found you here. And now I have all the strength I need.”
“Tonks,” he said. “How? I’ve never heard of a Patronus changing before. How?”
She smiled at him, sliding her hand down his arm, to grip his hand tightly in her own. “It was you, Remus. You are my strength, my happiness, and my hope. You always will be. My Patronus may have changed once-but it’s never changing again.”
The lingering warmth the Patronus had left in him continued to stir his mind and flow through his body. She loved him! After everything, she still loved him!
He knew he should resist his feelings. He knew he should get up and leave now-before he could do any more damage. But he didn’t have enough strength to fight every molecule in his body crying out to touch her.
He pulled her into his arms, and felt another surge of warmth as she rested her head against his chest. He gripped her tightly, letting all the dark and troubled thoughts flow away from him as he lost himself in her embrace, leaning his cheek into her hair and breathing deeply of her familiar scent. If only the world could end right now, he would die a happy man.
But the world didn’t end. And their embrace couldn’t last forever. He needed to return to the pack, before his absence became suspicious-and before Molly could make him visibly fatter.
He had to leave her. Again.
He pulled back from her. She reached up to touch his face, silently pleading for more with both her eyes and her body. It was almost more than he could bear. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to savor the feeling of her hand on his cheek for another long moment, before reaching up to take her hand in his own and to move it away from his cheek and down to his side.
“Stay,” she said, as if reading his thoughts. “Please stay. Just for today.”
“I can’t,” he said. “It wouldn’t be safe. It could put you in danger to be seen with me.”
“I’m already in danger.” Her eyes glinted, challenging him.
“I know,” he replied. “That’s not the only reason.”
“Then why?”
“Because if I let myself have this,” he waved his hand back and forth between the two of them, “even just for a day, then I don’t know if I’ll have the will to go back.” He let that hang in the air for a moment before adding. “I have to go back. You know that.”
She bit her lip again. “I know,” she said. “You have more lives to save.”
Somehow, the sentiment that would have seemed mocking just an hour ago now resonated with truth. He nodded. “Yes.”
She nodded in silent agreement. He stood, reluctantly releasing her hands as he backed away. She stood as well, watching him.
“Remus,” she said. “While you’re out there saving lives, would you try to hold on to your own, as well?” Her voice was now tinged with sorrow, and he felt that if he looked into her eyes for much longer he would have to come back to her arms and never leave them again. He looked away. As much as her words had strengthened him, he knew that he should not have come just to leave her once more broken hearted. She deserved so much better than this.
She had given him so much, during this brief meeting, and he had nothing to give her in return.
He could feel her eyes still boring into him. She wouldn’t let him leave without an answer. He gave a slight nod. “Yes,” he said. “I’ll try. For your sake.” He finished shuffling his way to the door, took the handle in his hand, and turned to look at her one last time.
She still stood beside the little crooked table, staring at him out of sorrow-filled eyes. “You’d better do more than try, Remus Lupin,” she said. “Because it would be horribly rude of you to keep a lady waiting. And I will be waiting. When this is all over, and you can come home, I’ll be waiting for you. Never forget that.” A slight quaver in her voice betrayed the true feeling behind the forced confidence of her words.
“You deserve so much better than I can ever give you,” he replied, his heart aching for the stubbornly strong woman he was about to abandon for the second time.
“Maybe I do,” she said, her jaw set. “But I don’t want better. I want you. And nothing you can say will change my mind.”
Remus couldn’t begin to fathom what he had done to earn the kind of loyal devotion that she offered him. Part of him wished that she would let go of it, and move on. But another part of him selfishly delighted in it, and he could not quell that feeling no matter how much he tried.
So he stopped trying.
“I love you, Nymphadora Tonks,” he said simply. It was the only Christmas gift he had to give her, and he knew that it was the right choice when he saw her whole face brighten with joy.
“Goodbye,” he whispered, stepping out into the cold and darkness that waited outside, pulling the door firmly shut behind him.