The Writing on the Window
Title: The Writing on the Window
Author: kerrymdb
Format: Fic
Rating & Warnings: R for sexual situations
Prompts: Forest and a snowman
Word Count: 3, 955
Summary: He doesn’t want this moment to end. Because when it does, there will be questions and demands for answers from both sides that neither are ready to answer nor ask.
Author’s Notes: I wrote the first draft of this using mrstater’s method of drafting a fic discussed in The Evolution of a Fic. I’m curious to see how this stands against my other fics. Does anyone feel a difference? Also, I think I've fixed all the tense issues, so if you see any, please let me know. Thanks!
The Writing on the Window
Remus Lupin studies his hands carefully, followed by his arms, then his legs. He has just Apparated for the second time in five months and he feels rusty. But everything is where it is supposed to be; he has not splinched himself.
He looks up, and sees the tiniest sliver of the waxing moon over the mountains. For just a moment, he lets himself get lost in the picture of the mountains before him. But then the moon, that shard of moon, reminds him why he has come to Hogsmeade.
Nymphadora.
He needs to see her. What he has heard has troubled him. From Harry, from Hermione, from what Arthur said, to what Molly hadn’t. Remus needs to know who is right.
They had spent six glorious months together, from the moment Tonks drunkenly pushed him into the bathroom on New Year’s Eve, demanding that he kiss her to the day after the Headmaster’s request, when he ended it, breaking his heart (and quite possibly hers) in the process.
She told him that she understood. That image, of her lying naked on his bed in Grimmauld Place telling him how strong he was, how brave he was, helped him through so many nights underground.
He doesn’t want that vision to be a lie.
He has dreamt of her so many nights since he left. She was there, her presence, with him during the day as well, when he secretly taught some of the children the alphabet or when he would be the lookout for another robbery of a corner store, taking away someone else’s livelihood by looking out for their own.
There is no sign of her in Hogsmeade, where Arthur said she would be tonight. He wonders what he will say to her when he finds her, if he finds her, please let him find her.
As he walks through the streets of the village, the Shrieking Shack looms over him. Another reminder that he is unworthy of the title Wizard, having ruined the chance for any other werewolf to attend Hogwarts. Though the Headmaster has never said as such, Remus is more than aware that he is the first and last werewolf to ever attend Hogwarts. So many others could have benefited, if only...
Remus turns his back away from the Shrieking Shack and heads towards the Forbidden Forest. He is ready to give up; Tonks is not here. But he is not ready to go back to the Burrow where Molly and Arthur would be waiting up and wondering what the late night visit might bring.
It will bring nothing. He is selfish, wanting to see her to ease his own concerns. He wants to see her pink and laughing, the way he remembers, not this brown and sad Tonks everyone keeps telling him about. A Tonks he doesn’t know and wouldn’t recognize. Selfish bastard.
He eases past the magical barrier protecting Hogwarts; he and all Order members have been given permission to be on Hogwarts’ ground. There is a light on in Hagrid’s hut. Perhaps the Groundskeeper wouldn’t mind a late night visitor. Anything other than the Burrow and Molly’s accusing eyes.
Remus knocks on the door. There is no answer. But then he hears laughter. Her laughter. Before he realizes it, Remus is drawn to that laugh, the laugh he remembers.
The picture in front of him causes the corners of his mouth to inch upward. A smile. Like Apparating, that is something he hasn’t done very often in the past five months. It feels good to smile, to shake off the rust.
Tonks and Hagrid are building a snowman. A huge snowman. Tonks with her wand and Hagrid with his umbrella that everyone knows is a wand but no one will ever say anything are rolling up piles of snow and levitating them.
Her hair is brown, like they told him. He gulps, not wanting to believe it. Arthur insinuated that it was because of him that her hair was brown. Arthur implied that Remus broke her heart. But she is laughing. That has to mean something, doesn’t it?
He takes in every detail he can, watching her without her knowledge. She’s lost weight. Her coat fits more loosely than it did last year. There are circles under her eyes and Remus wonders when was the last time she got a good night’s sleep.
But she is still beautiful and still takes his breath away.
He steps on a branch, startling both Tonks and Hagrid.
“Remus!” she says, taking a step towards him. She trips on a small pile of snow and shakes her head. Remus instinctively walks towards her to help her up and holds out his hands. The eagerness in her eyes as she puts her hands in his confirms what he had been told. And hadn’t been told.
“Hallo, there, Professor Lupin,” Hagrid says heartily.
Remus does his best not to flinch at his old title. It is a title he never deserved. Hopefully, they will think he is only shivering from the cold. He feels Tonks’ fingers still brushing his through her gloves. It's not fair how his body still reacts to her. One little touch...
“Have you come to help?” asked Hagrid eagerly.
Remus’ eyes search for Tonks’. He is asking for something, permission perhaps? She is smiling; she looks happy. Perhaps everyone was wrong. Perhaps Tonks is fine. Perhaps this wasn’t his fault, after all.
She lets out a giggle and Remus’ heart aches, remembering the times that they made each other laugh. “We’re building Grawp a snow-giant,” she says through a smile.
“A snow-giant?” asks Remus.
Tonks nods, still smiling and Remus realizes that their fingers are still touching. He wants to snatch his hand away. But he can’t. He simply can’t.
She leans in conspiracy-like. “Bigger than your average snowman.”
“I see,” Remus says slowly, looking at the snow-giant again. There are four snow balls piled up and a fifth one just starting. There is a pile of plates and what looks like to be a bed sheet.
“Are those-“
“The plates are the buttons, eyes and mouth. The sheet is for the scarf. We just can’t figure out what to do about the nose,” Tonks says thoughtfully.
Remus ponders the question. “Perhaps an engorgement charm on a carrot?” Remus suggests.
“That could work,” Tonks says with a laugh. “Better than my idea of Summoning a Muggle traffic cone. What do you think, Hagrid?”
“That’ll do,” Hagrid says happily, looking over the snow-giant. “I’m jus goin’ to find Grawpy. You’ll be done when wur back?”
“Count on it, Hagrid,” Tonks says.
Remus and Tonks stand next to each other in silence as they watch Hagrid whistle off happily deeper into the Forbidden Forest. Tonks’ eyes shift from Hagrid’s hulking form to him.
There is a hunger in her eyes, a hunger that he is sure that is matched in his own. He remembers what it was like when they were together. If they were left alone, even for a minute or two, they were in each other's arms.
None of the other women he had been with years ago even compared to Tonks. They were all worried about how they looked in the light or about their bodies in general. Not Tonks. She loved being naked, reveled in it practically. She joked that if they were alone for more than ten minutes, it was a shame if they still were clothed.
He wants her desperately but has to keep telling himself that she is no longer his to have.
“Wotcher,” she says softly. It is practically a whisper.
“Hello, Nymphadora,” Remus says just as softly.
They stare at each other and Remus is surprised that he is still standing, she’s staring at him so intensely. But then she steps back and mumbles something about the snow-giant.
She takes her wand and rolls the last ball of snow around so it’s more tightly packed. “Would you mind levitating it?” she asks casually.
“I don’t have my wand,” Remus says hoarsely.
Tonks looked at him sharply. “You don’t have your wand?” she repeats.
“My wand has been in my trunk at the Burrow since I’ve gone underground,” he tells her. “I have become used to traveling without it.”
Instead of simply levitating the ball of snow herself, she holds out her wand to him. Remus reaches out and takes the wand, being careful that their hands don’t touch. It feels strange in his hand. It feels foreign. Wrong.
He is about to perform magic for the first time in five months. Somehow, Tonks senses his hesitation and walks towards the pile of plates, her back towards him.
Normally, he wouldn’t say the incantation out loud, being such a simple spell. Thinking the words, combined with the correct wand movement would produce the desired results.
“Wingardium Leviosa,” he says in a firm voice, concentrating fiercely on the ball of snow. It rises instantly and Remus directs it to the top of snow-giant.
They work in tandem together. She holds the plates and he lifts them up to place them on the snow-giant. Soon it is finished, except for a nose. He doesn’t want this moment to end. Because when it does, there will be questions and demands for answers from both sides that neither are ready to answer nor ask.
A Patronus appears, a dragon, Hagrid’s Patronus. Tonks interprets it. “He’s run into a bit of a problem with Grawp. We’re not to worry.” She glances over. “He says not to wait for him.”
This is it, then. Now he can find out what’s truly going on with her, why everyone thinks she’s so unhappy. He’s racking his brain for the right words, even though he has the perfect opening with Hagrid’s Patronus. He could casually mention what Harry told him, that hers had changed, which Arthur later confirmed. As he’s forming the sentence, she says, “It’s good to see you, Remus.”
He gulps and nods, the words slipping away. He needs facts, indisputable facts. Not opinions or feelings. He will start with facts. “Molly said she invited you over for Christmas,” he says in what he hopes is a steady voice.
She looks up quickly. Her face betrays her only for a moment and then the cheerful smile is back. “She did,” Tonks said apologetically. “But someone had to work Christmas day, and I picked the short stick.”
He wants to ask why she couldn’t come to the Burrow after her shift. Why would she rather spend time with Hagrid than her friends at the Burrow? But he finds he can’t ask those questions.
Instead she answers them. “I saw Hagrid as I was about to leave...who can resist spending time with a real giant?”
“Not you, apparently,” he says with a smile.
“I’ve met Grawp a few times, now. Hagrid introduced me as Nymphadora.” She pauses to crinkle her nose in distaste. “Grawp can’t pronounce it so he calls me Nimmie.”
Remus can’t help himself from laughing and soon she is, too. Their laughter rings loudly throughout the forest. He feels some of the stress leaving his body through the simple act of laughing.
The laughter stops as soon as it starts and they are left staring at each other. Remus can feel the electricity between them, the desire, the need, the want. He desperately wants to take back what he has given up. But he knows he can’t. He can’t.
“Follow me,” Tonks says softly.
She starts walking deeper into the forest and Remus is helpless to do anything but follow her. He remembers the last time he was here, almost three years ago, when he had the title ‘professor.’ Naked, standing behind a tree, wondering if anyone would bring him a change of clothes or if he should try to conjure a robe using wandless magic. It felt like hours before Minerva McGonagall appeared, with clothes, looking at him and not bothering to hide the disappointment in her eyes.
It is simply another reminder why he does not belong here. Does not belong with her.
They stop in front of a car. A wild looking car. He looks at her curiously and she smiles shyly. “Do you remember the car Arthur always talks about?” she asks.
“This isn’t it-“
“It is. I found it a bit ago,” she tells him, opening the back door. “It won’t let anyone up front, but it doesn’t mind when I sit in the back.”
She slips insides and indicates that he should join her. He opens the door, already knowing where this will lead and is willing and unwilling at the same time. If he gets in that car, they will have sex. He knows it. She knows it. It is impossible for them to be in such a small space together and not catch fire.
Tonks senses his hesitation and looks away, giving him space to make a decision. He will give her false hope. He will give himself false hope, that it's okay to be together in that way, when it is not.
He gets inside the car, anyway.
The moment the door is closed behind him, Tonks is in his arms. He knows this is wrong, he knows he should stop but it feels so good to be touched. To feel skin on skin. It had been five months since they've slept together and right now it feels like a lifetime.
Heavy outer robes are shed and as Remus puts his hand up her sweater, he feels like a teenager again. Meanwhile, lips and tongues and hands are reacquainting themselves with the other.
His thumb runs across her nipple over the fabric of her bra and she lets out a tiny moan. He doesn’t deserve this. He has done nothing that could earn him these. He doesn’t deserve these sounds, these sights - oh Merlin - these sensations.
Her hands are eager and start undoing the buttons on his trousers. Remus forces himself back together and pulls away. “We can’t, Nymphadora.”
She takes off her jumper and is only clad in a violet sports bra and jeans. Straddling him on her knees, Tonks grabs the front of his robes and whispers breathlessly, “Why not?”
Remus can find no answer as she starts kissing him again. She smells so clean. Better than the fire he sat in front of this afternoon, better than the Christmas dinner Molly had made. She smells of plain soap and water and he has never smelled anything so beautiful.
His hand is on her back and slides down the curve of her bum. He holds her tightly to him and groans and she pushed her hips down against his.
He tries one last protest. “We shouldn’t do this,” he tells her.
She doesn’t pause as she finishes unbuttoning his trousers. “Can’t we pretend, Remus?” she asks as she starts to lower her own jeans. “Pretend I’m your girlfriend, again. Just for tonight.”
There are no words as she settles on top of him and he is overwhelmed by the warmth of her skin against his. Five months ago, he would make love to her with his eyes open, delighting in the changes in her face as she went closer and closer to the edge, until finally falling over, taking him with her.
But tonight, his eyes are closed tightly and he is sure hers are too.
He sits there, trying to stay still as she moves on top of him. Even though he’s desperate to thrust his hips, to put his hand on her bum and pull her closer so that there is no space between them. Somehow, he’s convinced himself that if he doesn’t move, denying himself the movements that he wants to make more than anything, that what he’s doing isn’t as wrong as it could be.
Tonks takes his hands and places them firmly on her hips. She rolls forward, showing him what she wants and what he wants to give her.
Within minutes, Remus gives in completely and lets himself go. She leans against him, breathing heavily into his neck. All he wants to do is put his arms around her, but he simply sits there.
She scoots off his lap, pulling up her jeans and reaching for her jumper. Remus puts himself back together, wishing for his wand so he could do a quick cleaning charm.
Once completely dressed again, Tonks sits at the far end of the backseat, leaning her head against the fogged up window. Remus can’t even see outside the car because of the foggy windows.
As she traces a snowman on the window, she says, “I’ve missed that...I’ve missed you.”
Remus tries to locate the right words. He needs to try to explain what just happened, but he knows there is no way to justify what occurred between them.
Tonks quickly brightens. With a smile Remus knows is forces, she says, “I hope you didn’t go and worry about me while you were gone. Because I was very serious when I said I didn’t want you to.”
“I tried not to-“
“Good,” she interrupts, as if that has solved all the problems in the world.
“It’s hard not to worry when I come back and I hear that you’re falling apart and I’m the cause,” Remus says matter of factly.
“Bloody Molly,” Tonks says under her breath, her face falling slightly.
“Molly didn’t betray your confidences,” Remus says softly. Which is true. What Molly didn’t say gave him far more information than what she did. “I’ve heard things from several sources. I’m...I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” she tells him, almost defiantly.
She is lying and they both know it.
“You’re not fine, Nymphadora,” he says gently. “Perhaps I could help some-“
“What was I supposed to do, Remus?” she says angrily. The anger surprises him; it is unexpected. “You were leaving to go underground. Was I supposed to cry? Beg you not to go for my own selfish reasons? You were going to go no matter what I said. The best thing I could do for you is send you off with a happy memory. It didn’t matter - doesn’t matter - how I felt inside.”
His happy memory. The memory that had helped him through so many nights. He closes his eyes, knowing now that the memory is a lie. A lie that she wanted him to believe. She sacrificed her feelings for him. She is amazing.
When he opens his eyes, he sees she is writing on the window with her fingers. The words say, I love you.
He knows she loved him. They hadn’t gotten quite to saying the words aloud when he ended their relationship. That she had loved him was never in doubt. What haunts him now is that after five months of being apart, that she still loves him.
The words begin to fog up and start to disappear. She looks at him questioningly. When he makes no movement, she turns her attention back to the window.
She writes, Do you love me?
There. That is the question that he does not want to answer. There is no answer. Either way he answers, he will be in danger of losing his soul.
If he answers no, he is lying. He cannot lie. If he lies, the next lie will be easier. And the next, even easier. Until he has lost himself completely and fully becomes a member of the pack. There will be no turning back then.
But if he says yes...
Her eyes search his for an answer, any answer. Hating himself, he writes, yes on the window.
She draws a smiley face.
He draws a frown.
Her face betraying nothing, she writes, why?
There is not enough room on the window to explain all of the reasons why. He hates to break the silence that has settled over them, but he must. “It doesn’t matter, Nymphadora. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Tonks stares at her hands for a moment. Then she simply draws a circle on the window. The world.
“Everything,” she whispers.
When he opens his mouth again, there is a slight tremble in his voice. “I ended our relationship for a specific reason. For specific reasons. We’ve discussed the reasons why-“
A flash of anger crosses her face. “We’ve joked about the reasons, Remus. We joked that you were a cradle robber and that we’re two mistrusted shape shifters. Jokes, Remus.”
“Surrounding words by laughter does not make them less real,” he says with as much dignity as he could.
She runs her hands through her hair, her brown hair which doesn’t suit her at all. “Are you saying that you believe that? That you’re too old for me? Too...how did you put it?”
“Dangerous?” Remus nods. “I believe every word.”
Tonks looks like she has been sucker punched in the stomach. She brings her legs up under her and just looks so young.
“We have no future, Nymphadora,” he says with more confidence than he felt.
“Don’t call me Nymphadora,” she snaps.
“I apologize,” he says softly.
“Don’t apologize, Remus,” she says, staring right at him, almost through him. “You always apologize for things you have no need to be sorry for.”
He doesn’t trust himself to speak, so he traces a question mark on the window.
“Sometimes I feel like you want to apologize to the world for being born,” she says hesitantly.
He gulps, knowing exactly what she is talking about. “I would never apologize for being born. My parents loved me and wanted to bring me into this world.”
“Then what are you so sorry for?” she asks, turning her head towards the window. Her breath keeps the glass fogged.
“For being bitten.”
She flinches. In the year they had known each other before he went underground, he has never told her the story of how he received the cursed bite.
“Haven’t you wondered?” he asks.
She writes yes on the window.
“Responsible parents keep their children inside the night of a full moon,” Remus says, his voice cracking slightly, thinking of his parents.
She is silent and he is grateful. “I was five and wanted a puppy. I heard my parents talking about wolves and I thought my problems were solved. I snuck out, determined to find the wolf and make it my pet. You can figure out the rest.”
He sees her digesting the words he has just spoken. She looks at him and there is no pity in her eyes, something which he had been afraid. “You don’t have to apologize for behaving like any child would.”
Their eyes lock and Remus knows that even though she is just a seat over that she is worlds away.
“You don’t need to apologize for loving me. That’s what this is about, isn’t it?” She pauses and waits for an answer. Remus has none. “I should have realized that you were half serious when you said those things about being old and poor. None of those things matter, not if I love you and you love me.”
He turns his head back to the window and traces a circle, like she had before. The world. Everything.
She writes, more than love?
He couldn’t say the word even if he wanted to, so Remus writes, yes.
In a low voice, Tonks says, “I won’t insult you by saying I have some idea what you’re going through. But I’ve read your reports. It won’t always be like this-“
“There is no cure for lycanth-“
“I meant you won’t always be underground, Remus,” she says. Taking a deep, she writes, I’ll wait.
no
why?
Remus has no answer. He has no way to make her understand what he has become. A thief. A thug. Everything that he doesn’t want her to be near.
He watches as she closes her eyes in defeat. He knows he should be glad that she finally understands. She will get over him, move on with her life and be happier without him.
Tonks opens her eyes and smiles at him. A real, genuine smile. It is disarming to see such a smile at this time. Yet at the same time, to truly see that smile again...
She scoots across the backseat and kisses him. It is slow and gentle and the opposite of the kisses they shared before. Remus wants to hold her to him, never let her go, never let her let him go...
They break apart. Opening the door, Tonks smiles again and says, “I don’t want you worrying about me.”
She closes the door behind him and Remus isn’t able to watch her walk away. He is opening the gift she just gave him over and over in his mind. A new memory. One where she is smiling, her cheeks flush from sex, giving him permission to go back to the ferals. He has never loved her more than right now.
He stares straight ahead for some time. When Remus turns to leave the car, he sees that she has left him one last message.
no followed by the fragile outline of a heart.
---------
Author's Notes 2:I had worked on a different one-shot using my prompts, which I ended up scraping. But I had written a Wizarding carol, so I thought I’d share. Think Luna when reading the lyrics. The tune is O Christmas Tree
O Solstice Tree, O Solstice Tree,
How do you live
through winter?
With Heliopaths
ready to burn,
Your branches off
at every turn.
O Solstice Tree, O Solstice Tree,
How do you live
through winter?
O Solstice Tree, O Solstice Tree,
How do you live
through winter?
Your fir might be
poisoned with lead
Nargles won’t stop
till your trunk’s dead
O Solstice Tree, O Solstice Tree,
How do you live
through winter?
Happy Holidays!