FIC: The Promise
Title: The Promise
Author: jesspallas
Rating: PG-13
Prompts: Bard prompt:
"Come, madam wife, sit by my side, and let the
world slip, we shall ne'er be younger."
The Taming Of The Shrew (induction, scene 2, lines 143-144)
Single-word prompt: Promise
Word Count: 1394
Summary: But I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t deny her. She deserved so much better than a fake smile and a marriage and a family built on a promise that I would always know I had already broken. And so I told her the truth.
Author Notes: I wrote this off the top of my head and quite hurriedly, taking advantage of a system failure at work that resulted in us running out of things to do. It’s not checked or betaed in any way. Hence, apologies for rubbishness.
I am a fool.
I’ve known this for some time, and in so many ways but it has never been driven home to me so vividly as now, this moment, this terrible instant as I stare into the face of my pregnant wife and watch the colour drain out of her cheeks, and the horror and shock rise within her eyes as I finally admit the full truth to her. That I left, not just to find Harry as I had told her, but to leave her as well, that I had faltered and floundered in my conviction as I saw so many of the things that meant so much to her - her job, several friends, the respect of her parents - stripped away from her by the binding her hand to mine. I saw mad relatives hurl screams and curses in her direction for bringing shame upon a family name already long polluted, saw her very life imperilled by her foolish attachment to a man too old, too poor, too dangerous to be truly worth her while. And then, just to round my life-destroying selfish indulgence off nicely, I helped her create a new life that I was certain would be ruined and broken from scratch. For how, touched by a man - ha! - like me, how could it ever be anything else?
I know, I know. I will never quite escape that sense that I was selfish to accept her love, to let my barriers crumble in the face of her stubborn assault. But to leave again after hurting her so much, to abandon her to face any horrors that might arise from my actions by herself - that was far more selfish still, and it took a young man with scruffy hair and bright green eyes glaring at me just like his father - and indeed his mother - would have done in his place to make me see that. And so I returned and I saw the joy on her face when I stepped through the door, watched her leap forward and throw her arms around me and I felt the lies I had told, the cowardly omission behind my departure weigh so heavily upon me. I could have pretended, of course. She would never have known how close I came to abandoning her once more and I would never have had to watch pain fill those beautiful eyes yet again just as it had for so very much of last year, surging back from a corner of her soul I know she had hoped was locked away forever.
But I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t deny her. She deserved so much better than a fake smile and a marriage and a family built on a promise that I would always know I had already broken.
And so I told her the truth.
I told her that I’d meant to go with Harry. I told her I’d never intended to come back.
And now, for this moment, her horrified eyes fill my whole world and scour it to its core.
I see the blow coming but make no attempt to dodge as the small, soft hand swings across to slam against my cheek, slapping my head back and sending me half reeling. But it is not the pain that surges through my faces that wounds me to the quick but the pain running rampant through two dark eyes as they stare at me with furious agony and bitter betrayal. I had stood before her, held her hands in mine and promised that I would love her forever and stand always at her side. The love was unchanging and unchangeable but it had fuelled a fire of fear within me that had driven me to almost step away.
And now, she knows it.
What can I say? There is nothing to say. After all she endured in the name of our love last year, this can only be considered as the ultimate betrayal of her trust. But I love her, dear Gods I love her more than anything and anyone and I know I will love the child she bears just the same. And though I know I can never deserve her, that she can never deserve what loving me has done to her, Merlin help me, I know that I will never be able to walk away from her again.
But how to tell her?
Sweet Merlin. Her eyes.
She is speaking now, words of hurt and betrayal spilling from her lips, a babble of disbelieving pain that probably registers as little with her as it does with me. For what difference can be found in words she has spoken to me so many times before, in repeating phrases so well worn as to be formulaic when spoken to a man who has let her down so very many times? She can berate me a thousand times and I can apologise a million but how can I repair a trust so battered and frayed that a mere breath of wind might sheer it away altogether? Her eyes scald me far more deeply that her words ever could. Her pain berates me wordlessly and slices me down to the bone.
My cheek is starting to throb. I’m lucky really that she didn’t throw a punch. I know the power stacked up inside that compact little body and if she’d really wanted to strike a blow, she’d most likely have broken my jaw. And it would have been no more than I deserved.
We’re getting nowhere. We both know it. The same old story will make no difference, my head hung in shamed silence before her furious tirade. If I don’t do something, find something to show to her that in spite of my shockingly shameful lack of a Gryffindor spine that I have learnt my lesson at last, that I will never ever leave her, nothing will ever change. Every time I’m out of her sight she will wonder - am I coming back? Is this the day I leave her yet again? Is today the time I finally, utterly fail her? I can make all the promises in the world but I have already broken the one made in sight of our friends and family mere weeks before. Is there any promise I can make that she can ever truly believe I cannot break?
I think there is. I pray there is.
I catch her hands, still her wild gesticulations. And I catch her eyes with mine and still their raging fire.
Slowly, like a man slipping his fingers into candleflame, I reach down and place my hands upon her stomach.
Still so flat, so soft, so familiar. So hard to believe that a tiny fragile life lies nestled beneath that creamy surface.
But it does. And it’s our life. A life we created, together, from our love for one another, and in spite of cowardice, in spite of fear and selfishness and terribly bad timing, it is ours and will be so forever. That this woman, any woman would love me enough to give me something as precious as this…
How could I ever run away now?
A wonderful wife. And our child…
I hold her gaze. And when the words pass my lips, my promise, my vow on the life of our child that I love her, love both of them more than my life, and in spite of my own weakness, I will never, ever abandon them again, I see the darkness slipping, I see the slow dawn of hope within her eyes and I know, Sweet Merlin, I see that she knows it to be true. I feel her hands reach down and fold over mine, hear the words she speaks, soft, steely demands for affirmation, but though I give them to her, we both know the words mean nothing.
I gave my promise with my eyes and with my touch. She accepted it with the same.
And as we sit together on the edge of the bed, our hands still meshed against her stomach, our eyes still locked in that long, unspoken promise, I know that for the whole of the rest of my life, the woman before me and the life she bears inside will fill up the whole of my world.
I am home now. And this time is forever.
A/N: Those amongst you who've read my fic A Little More Time might recall this is a very obscure take on events mentioned as part of Teddy's parent-watching. In a strange sort of way, this fic is also a little hint of an explanation as to one reason Tonks might have run off after Remus at the end of DH. If she thought, whether he could help it or not, that promise might get broken...:(
Author: jesspallas
Rating: PG-13
Prompts: Bard prompt:
"Come, madam wife, sit by my side, and let the
world slip, we shall ne'er be younger."
The Taming Of The Shrew (induction, scene 2, lines 143-144)
Single-word prompt: Promise
Word Count: 1394
Summary: But I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t deny her. She deserved so much better than a fake smile and a marriage and a family built on a promise that I would always know I had already broken. And so I told her the truth.
Author Notes: I wrote this off the top of my head and quite hurriedly, taking advantage of a system failure at work that resulted in us running out of things to do. It’s not checked or betaed in any way. Hence, apologies for rubbishness.
I am a fool.
I’ve known this for some time, and in so many ways but it has never been driven home to me so vividly as now, this moment, this terrible instant as I stare into the face of my pregnant wife and watch the colour drain out of her cheeks, and the horror and shock rise within her eyes as I finally admit the full truth to her. That I left, not just to find Harry as I had told her, but to leave her as well, that I had faltered and floundered in my conviction as I saw so many of the things that meant so much to her - her job, several friends, the respect of her parents - stripped away from her by the binding her hand to mine. I saw mad relatives hurl screams and curses in her direction for bringing shame upon a family name already long polluted, saw her very life imperilled by her foolish attachment to a man too old, too poor, too dangerous to be truly worth her while. And then, just to round my life-destroying selfish indulgence off nicely, I helped her create a new life that I was certain would be ruined and broken from scratch. For how, touched by a man - ha! - like me, how could it ever be anything else?
I know, I know. I will never quite escape that sense that I was selfish to accept her love, to let my barriers crumble in the face of her stubborn assault. But to leave again after hurting her so much, to abandon her to face any horrors that might arise from my actions by herself - that was far more selfish still, and it took a young man with scruffy hair and bright green eyes glaring at me just like his father - and indeed his mother - would have done in his place to make me see that. And so I returned and I saw the joy on her face when I stepped through the door, watched her leap forward and throw her arms around me and I felt the lies I had told, the cowardly omission behind my departure weigh so heavily upon me. I could have pretended, of course. She would never have known how close I came to abandoning her once more and I would never have had to watch pain fill those beautiful eyes yet again just as it had for so very much of last year, surging back from a corner of her soul I know she had hoped was locked away forever.
But I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t deny her. She deserved so much better than a fake smile and a marriage and a family built on a promise that I would always know I had already broken.
And so I told her the truth.
I told her that I’d meant to go with Harry. I told her I’d never intended to come back.
And now, for this moment, her horrified eyes fill my whole world and scour it to its core.
I see the blow coming but make no attempt to dodge as the small, soft hand swings across to slam against my cheek, slapping my head back and sending me half reeling. But it is not the pain that surges through my faces that wounds me to the quick but the pain running rampant through two dark eyes as they stare at me with furious agony and bitter betrayal. I had stood before her, held her hands in mine and promised that I would love her forever and stand always at her side. The love was unchanging and unchangeable but it had fuelled a fire of fear within me that had driven me to almost step away.
And now, she knows it.
What can I say? There is nothing to say. After all she endured in the name of our love last year, this can only be considered as the ultimate betrayal of her trust. But I love her, dear Gods I love her more than anything and anyone and I know I will love the child she bears just the same. And though I know I can never deserve her, that she can never deserve what loving me has done to her, Merlin help me, I know that I will never be able to walk away from her again.
But how to tell her?
Sweet Merlin. Her eyes.
She is speaking now, words of hurt and betrayal spilling from her lips, a babble of disbelieving pain that probably registers as little with her as it does with me. For what difference can be found in words she has spoken to me so many times before, in repeating phrases so well worn as to be formulaic when spoken to a man who has let her down so very many times? She can berate me a thousand times and I can apologise a million but how can I repair a trust so battered and frayed that a mere breath of wind might sheer it away altogether? Her eyes scald me far more deeply that her words ever could. Her pain berates me wordlessly and slices me down to the bone.
My cheek is starting to throb. I’m lucky really that she didn’t throw a punch. I know the power stacked up inside that compact little body and if she’d really wanted to strike a blow, she’d most likely have broken my jaw. And it would have been no more than I deserved.
We’re getting nowhere. We both know it. The same old story will make no difference, my head hung in shamed silence before her furious tirade. If I don’t do something, find something to show to her that in spite of my shockingly shameful lack of a Gryffindor spine that I have learnt my lesson at last, that I will never ever leave her, nothing will ever change. Every time I’m out of her sight she will wonder - am I coming back? Is this the day I leave her yet again? Is today the time I finally, utterly fail her? I can make all the promises in the world but I have already broken the one made in sight of our friends and family mere weeks before. Is there any promise I can make that she can ever truly believe I cannot break?
I think there is. I pray there is.
I catch her hands, still her wild gesticulations. And I catch her eyes with mine and still their raging fire.
Slowly, like a man slipping his fingers into candleflame, I reach down and place my hands upon her stomach.
Still so flat, so soft, so familiar. So hard to believe that a tiny fragile life lies nestled beneath that creamy surface.
But it does. And it’s our life. A life we created, together, from our love for one another, and in spite of cowardice, in spite of fear and selfishness and terribly bad timing, it is ours and will be so forever. That this woman, any woman would love me enough to give me something as precious as this…
How could I ever run away now?
A wonderful wife. And our child…
I hold her gaze. And when the words pass my lips, my promise, my vow on the life of our child that I love her, love both of them more than my life, and in spite of my own weakness, I will never, ever abandon them again, I see the darkness slipping, I see the slow dawn of hope within her eyes and I know, Sweet Merlin, I see that she knows it to be true. I feel her hands reach down and fold over mine, hear the words she speaks, soft, steely demands for affirmation, but though I give them to her, we both know the words mean nothing.
I gave my promise with my eyes and with my touch. She accepted it with the same.
And as we sit together on the edge of the bed, our hands still meshed against her stomach, our eyes still locked in that long, unspoken promise, I know that for the whole of the rest of my life, the woman before me and the life she bears inside will fill up the whole of my world.
I am home now. And this time is forever.
A/N: Those amongst you who've read my fic A Little More Time might recall this is a very obscure take on events mentioned as part of Teddy's parent-watching. In a strange sort of way, this fic is also a little hint of an explanation as to one reason Tonks might have run off after Remus at the end of DH. If she thought, whether he could help it or not, that promise might get broken...:(