Fic: Mending Is More Difficult Than Breaking
Title: Mending Is More Difficult Than Breaking
Author: bookish_brownie
Rating and Warnings: PG
Prompt: "I could be handy, mending a fuse/ When your lights have gone..."- When I'm Sixty-Four
Word Count: 2240
Summary: Remus returns home after the infamous Chapter 11 of Deathly Hallows.
Author's Notes: I don't usually write in the first person but I thought I would try it for this piece. I think I caught all the times I accidentally slipped into the third person, but I'm sorry if I missed any. Also, in my personal canon, Remus has a family home in Wales, near the border with England. That is where the story takes place. As always, I hope you enjoy and I love any feedback.
Crash!
"Ow! Bloody buggering-"
"Hello, Dora." Suddenly a pair of familiar arms wrapped around my waist.
"Remus," I breathed. "I expected you back by now." I turned to look at him and saw that he wore an oddly closed expression.
"There was a Death Eater watching the house. I just managed to slip in." Somehow I didn’t think that was the whole story. He kept his hands on my waist, but he refused to meet my eyes.
That scared me more than anything. Unwillingly, I recalled how he had behaved the day he left me because of Dumbledore’s mission.
"What happened?" He gestured toward the smashed lightbulb that I had dropped and my burnt fingers.
"The light went out and I was trying to change it like you showed me. I forgot that they were hot."
"Don’t worry about it. I’ll fix it later."
"Thank you." He finally looked at me fully, but his eyes were still clouded.
I wrapped my arms around him tightly. "I’m glad you’re here, not just because you’re useful to have around."
I leant into kiss him, but he took hold of my shoulders and kept me back. "Wait. I have to show you something."
"What-" Before I could finish my question, he was leading me up the stairs at some speed. When we reached our bedroom, he looked almost wistfully at the bed that I had not made and shook his head. Then, he pulled out his family’s old Pensieve. Drawing out some silvery threads from his head with his wand, he let them drift into the basin.
"What do you want me to see that you can’t just tell me, Remus?" I recoiled from the dark, utterly hopeless look in his eyes that had not seen since immediately after the March attack on Tommy Montgomery.
"Please, Nymphadora, just look." I nodded and moved toward the Pensieve, but he drew me back to him. His kiss was deep and full of longing; I almost thought he had changed his mind about showing me his memories, but then he gently pushed me away.
I leaned forward and felt myself falling into the swirling liquid. The first scene was in our sitting room, right before Remus left to find Harry.
I saw him looking at me, concern etched in his features. "Are you sure you’ll be all right, Dora?"
"Yes, you need to try and let Harry know what’s going on. And I might stay with my parents for a day or two; they’re still really shaken about Bellatrix."
He stepped closer to the me in his memories and cupped her face in his hands. "Be safe." The love I saw in his eyes at that moment was almost overwhelming. He touched her stomach as he leant his forehead against hers. My hand instinctively rose to my own abdomen that still bore no sign of the child growing within it.
"You have to keep safe, too, Remus. You need to come back to me, to us." I hadn’t recalled sounding like such a cliched romantic heroine, but no sentiment had ever been more truly felt.
"I’ll do my best." He kissed me once more and with a hand raised in farewell walked out the door.
The scene shifted around me. I found myself in an alley that I thought might have been in Hogsmeade. Remus was leaning against a wall, slightly out of breath. He looked around warily before Disillusioning himself. Only the barest shimmer disturbed the air and indicated his presence, but I saw him sink lower and lower.
The scene melted away to a similar alley. Remus appeared even more ragged and exhausted. He hadn’t even bothered to Disillusion himself. He turned toward a nearby rubbish bin, digging through it. He found a hunk of bread near the top and began to gnaw on it. I felt a lurch in my chest. The shame on his face ate at me, and I felt the all-too-familiar outrage that a man like Remus could be reduced to scavenging through the garbage to eat.
Next I found myself standing in the entranceway of Grimmauld Place. When I saw the troll foot umbrella stand, I was suddenly bombarded by dozens of memories. Sirius looking down and laughing good-naturedly as I tripped yet again, Remus trying not to. Remus picking me up from the floor. Our first kiss…
I forced myself back into examining the memory. Remus was reassuring Harry, Ron, and Hermione that it was really him. They moved into the kitchen. As he told them of some of the frightening developments at the Ministry and Hogwarts, I felt my hands unwittingly clenching into fists.
Then, I got a proper look at Remus’ face and was shocked by what I saw. He wore the same closed expression that he had when he entered the house. In my gut I knew what was coming. I tried not to expect it, but part of me always knew that the happiness that we had achieved was too fragile to last.
The other words faded away as he said, "I could come with you to provide protection…" Much as I was waiting for it, his whole demeanor was like a slap in the face. I knew he still had doubts. I could see them drifting behind his eyes when he would pretend to read or look out the window when he thought she couldn’t see him. But I didn’t think he would leave without any warning.
I returned my attention to the scene all around me. I watched as Harry tried to talk sense into him. He was being harsh, in my opinion, but it was necessary to get Remus out of his ridiculous nobility, like shaking his robes in the Hospital Wing. I didn’t think I had ever seen Remus that angry before.
I almost felt the reverberation from his hex, though I knew it was impossible. I was instantly transported to yet another alley, one that I did not recognize at all. Hanging his head, he sat on the bare cobbles. When he raised it, I saw that his eyes were blotchy, but he was beyond any tears.
After some minutes, he shook his head as if removing a fog that clouded his vision, both literal and figurative. He paced up and down the alley, almost to the street and then back to the wall. He did the same thing for several days; he didn’t even try to find food. His face was raw and vulnerable; I saw every emotion that waged war inside him. Finally, a new light came into his eyes. His visage was still grim, but he had come to a decision.
I was back in the bedroom, facing Remus. "I’m so sorry, Dora. I know the words don’t go nearly far enough-"
"You’re right. They don’t." I could hardly think. I needed to sit down; I needed time.
"I’ll leave if you ask me to." He began to turn away from me, but I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.
"You think I’d let you go that easily? Do you honestly believe that I’d release you from all your responsibilities without a fight?"
"I didn’t mean-"
"I’m not finished yet, Remus Lupin." Her anger bubbled up from a place so deep inside her that she barely recognized it. "Now, listen to me. You have given me countless speeches on your unsuitability; in fact, I could probably still quote them verbatim. But it is my turn. I love you. I’m angry with you, and I don’t like you very much right now. But I still love you. I married you, and you are the father of my child. You need to get used to the fact that I want you here."
"I will. I’m-"
"Don’t say you’re sorry again, Remus. The Pensieve made that very plain."
He began to sputter, trying to explain more, but I held up a hand to stop him. "You need lots of food and rest. I still have some leftovers from Molly; I’ll warm some up for us. We can talk more tomorrow." He apparently knew better than to argue because he only followed me silently into the kitchen.
Our meal and the rest of the evening was equally quiet. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk, to tell him how I felt and to hear his side from his own lips, but I couldn’t make my mouth form the words.
Later I handed him sheets and blankets to make up the guest bed. I couldn’t bear to be too close to him yet.
I was about to go to bed when his words stopped me. "Wait, there’s one more thing I have to tell you tonight." He clung to my hands, and I flinched at the contact but didn’t pull away. "I could never regret marrying you. I regret the consequences that have befallen you because of it, and I still worry that I could have passed on my lycanthropy to our child. However, I love you, and I want to share everything with you for the rest of my life."
I nodded. "Good night, Remus. Sleep well."
---------
The next morning I found that, true to his word, he had fixed the light. It was fitting because he had always brought light to my world. Even during her darkest days of the previous year, the thought of him and what we had shared had given me some comfort.
For the next week an uneasy truce developed between us. We lived together but we might as well have been miles apart. We were unerringly polite to each other and went our separate ways. There were times when we were almost back to ourselves, but it never lasted.
Only one incident disturbed that questionable peace. One night, after Remus had done the dishes, I was reading, or rather staring at a page for twenty minutes.
"I can’t live like this."
My heart nearly stopped. "What do you mean?"
"Things aren’t right between us, Dora. I know that’s my fault, but we can’t carry on like this forever." He wore the most emotion on his face since the day he returned.
"You’re right." The distance between us was killing me, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
"What can I do?"
I had to sigh. That’s where he always went wrong, thinking he had to do everything and take all responsibility for the both of us. "There’s no magical formula to fix this, Remus. I just need time."
"Of course. That’s only fair." I could see that he desperately wanted to ask how much time I needed, but he wouldn’t.
After that, our relationship did become less strained. I knew he was doing all he could. In his unassuming way, he helped me through my first bouts of morning sickness, leaving cups of peppermint tea outside my door and bringing me anything I asked for. We talked for hours sometimes. We rediscovered each other slowly and surely.
But we rarely touched, only the merest brush of the hand or occasional kiss on the cheek. Nor did we share the deepest secrets of ourselves.
One day a week later that all changed.
"Are you busy?"
"Not particularly."
"May I show you something?"
"Yeah." He had been scheming about something for the last few days, and I was curious. He moved to cover my eyes, softly asking permission. I nodded. He wrapped an arm securely around my waist and led me in the direction of what I thought was the back garden.
When I opened my eyes, tears immediately welled up. He had replicated our wedding day. The arrangement of chairs and the arch of flowers were identical. He had matched every detail, down to the last rose petal that was strewn along the aisle between the chairs.
He knelt and took one of my hands in both of his. "I broke faith with you, Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin." He waved toward the set up. "I promised you forever, but at the first difficulty I ran. I know this gesture doesn’t go nearly far enough to make it up to you, but I just want to show that I do remember my promise. And I will work the rest of my days to keep it."
Something in me melted at his hopeful and sincere expression. I knew that all our problems weren’t Evanescoed, but I could at least imagine a time when they would be. I knelt so that we were roughly level with each other. "I think this goes quite a long way, actually. But it doesn’t match your simply being here. You fixed the light and helped me through my morning sickness."
"Well it is partly my fault that you have morning sickness."
I rolled my eyes, but I could never express in words how good it was to banter again. "I’ll hold off on blaming you until I’m in labor."
"I appreciate that." Our smiles faded as we leaned toward each other and our lips met for the first time in two weeks. "I appreciate that, too."
I nestled my face into the crook of his neck. "I’m ready for things to be right between us again, Remus." We smiled at each other again, a little awkwardly, but it was the awkwardness of newness. And as we continued to hold each other I knew that this time our life together would last.
The End
Author: bookish_brownie
Rating and Warnings: PG
Prompt: "I could be handy, mending a fuse/ When your lights have gone..."- When I'm Sixty-Four
Word Count: 2240
Summary: Remus returns home after the infamous Chapter 11 of Deathly Hallows.
Author's Notes: I don't usually write in the first person but I thought I would try it for this piece. I think I caught all the times I accidentally slipped into the third person, but I'm sorry if I missed any. Also, in my personal canon, Remus has a family home in Wales, near the border with England. That is where the story takes place. As always, I hope you enjoy and I love any feedback.
Crash!
"Ow! Bloody buggering-"
"Hello, Dora." Suddenly a pair of familiar arms wrapped around my waist.
"Remus," I breathed. "I expected you back by now." I turned to look at him and saw that he wore an oddly closed expression.
"There was a Death Eater watching the house. I just managed to slip in." Somehow I didn’t think that was the whole story. He kept his hands on my waist, but he refused to meet my eyes.
That scared me more than anything. Unwillingly, I recalled how he had behaved the day he left me because of Dumbledore’s mission.
"What happened?" He gestured toward the smashed lightbulb that I had dropped and my burnt fingers.
"The light went out and I was trying to change it like you showed me. I forgot that they were hot."
"Don’t worry about it. I’ll fix it later."
"Thank you." He finally looked at me fully, but his eyes were still clouded.
I wrapped my arms around him tightly. "I’m glad you’re here, not just because you’re useful to have around."
I leant into kiss him, but he took hold of my shoulders and kept me back. "Wait. I have to show you something."
"What-" Before I could finish my question, he was leading me up the stairs at some speed. When we reached our bedroom, he looked almost wistfully at the bed that I had not made and shook his head. Then, he pulled out his family’s old Pensieve. Drawing out some silvery threads from his head with his wand, he let them drift into the basin.
"What do you want me to see that you can’t just tell me, Remus?" I recoiled from the dark, utterly hopeless look in his eyes that had not seen since immediately after the March attack on Tommy Montgomery.
"Please, Nymphadora, just look." I nodded and moved toward the Pensieve, but he drew me back to him. His kiss was deep and full of longing; I almost thought he had changed his mind about showing me his memories, but then he gently pushed me away.
I leaned forward and felt myself falling into the swirling liquid. The first scene was in our sitting room, right before Remus left to find Harry.
I saw him looking at me, concern etched in his features. "Are you sure you’ll be all right, Dora?"
"Yes, you need to try and let Harry know what’s going on. And I might stay with my parents for a day or two; they’re still really shaken about Bellatrix."
He stepped closer to the me in his memories and cupped her face in his hands. "Be safe." The love I saw in his eyes at that moment was almost overwhelming. He touched her stomach as he leant his forehead against hers. My hand instinctively rose to my own abdomen that still bore no sign of the child growing within it.
"You have to keep safe, too, Remus. You need to come back to me, to us." I hadn’t recalled sounding like such a cliched romantic heroine, but no sentiment had ever been more truly felt.
"I’ll do my best." He kissed me once more and with a hand raised in farewell walked out the door.
The scene shifted around me. I found myself in an alley that I thought might have been in Hogsmeade. Remus was leaning against a wall, slightly out of breath. He looked around warily before Disillusioning himself. Only the barest shimmer disturbed the air and indicated his presence, but I saw him sink lower and lower.
The scene melted away to a similar alley. Remus appeared even more ragged and exhausted. He hadn’t even bothered to Disillusion himself. He turned toward a nearby rubbish bin, digging through it. He found a hunk of bread near the top and began to gnaw on it. I felt a lurch in my chest. The shame on his face ate at me, and I felt the all-too-familiar outrage that a man like Remus could be reduced to scavenging through the garbage to eat.
Next I found myself standing in the entranceway of Grimmauld Place. When I saw the troll foot umbrella stand, I was suddenly bombarded by dozens of memories. Sirius looking down and laughing good-naturedly as I tripped yet again, Remus trying not to. Remus picking me up from the floor. Our first kiss…
I forced myself back into examining the memory. Remus was reassuring Harry, Ron, and Hermione that it was really him. They moved into the kitchen. As he told them of some of the frightening developments at the Ministry and Hogwarts, I felt my hands unwittingly clenching into fists.
Then, I got a proper look at Remus’ face and was shocked by what I saw. He wore the same closed expression that he had when he entered the house. In my gut I knew what was coming. I tried not to expect it, but part of me always knew that the happiness that we had achieved was too fragile to last.
The other words faded away as he said, "I could come with you to provide protection…" Much as I was waiting for it, his whole demeanor was like a slap in the face. I knew he still had doubts. I could see them drifting behind his eyes when he would pretend to read or look out the window when he thought she couldn’t see him. But I didn’t think he would leave without any warning.
I returned my attention to the scene all around me. I watched as Harry tried to talk sense into him. He was being harsh, in my opinion, but it was necessary to get Remus out of his ridiculous nobility, like shaking his robes in the Hospital Wing. I didn’t think I had ever seen Remus that angry before.
I almost felt the reverberation from his hex, though I knew it was impossible. I was instantly transported to yet another alley, one that I did not recognize at all. Hanging his head, he sat on the bare cobbles. When he raised it, I saw that his eyes were blotchy, but he was beyond any tears.
After some minutes, he shook his head as if removing a fog that clouded his vision, both literal and figurative. He paced up and down the alley, almost to the street and then back to the wall. He did the same thing for several days; he didn’t even try to find food. His face was raw and vulnerable; I saw every emotion that waged war inside him. Finally, a new light came into his eyes. His visage was still grim, but he had come to a decision.
I was back in the bedroom, facing Remus. "I’m so sorry, Dora. I know the words don’t go nearly far enough-"
"You’re right. They don’t." I could hardly think. I needed to sit down; I needed time.
"I’ll leave if you ask me to." He began to turn away from me, but I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.
"You think I’d let you go that easily? Do you honestly believe that I’d release you from all your responsibilities without a fight?"
"I didn’t mean-"
"I’m not finished yet, Remus Lupin." Her anger bubbled up from a place so deep inside her that she barely recognized it. "Now, listen to me. You have given me countless speeches on your unsuitability; in fact, I could probably still quote them verbatim. But it is my turn. I love you. I’m angry with you, and I don’t like you very much right now. But I still love you. I married you, and you are the father of my child. You need to get used to the fact that I want you here."
"I will. I’m-"
"Don’t say you’re sorry again, Remus. The Pensieve made that very plain."
He began to sputter, trying to explain more, but I held up a hand to stop him. "You need lots of food and rest. I still have some leftovers from Molly; I’ll warm some up for us. We can talk more tomorrow." He apparently knew better than to argue because he only followed me silently into the kitchen.
Our meal and the rest of the evening was equally quiet. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk, to tell him how I felt and to hear his side from his own lips, but I couldn’t make my mouth form the words.
Later I handed him sheets and blankets to make up the guest bed. I couldn’t bear to be too close to him yet.
I was about to go to bed when his words stopped me. "Wait, there’s one more thing I have to tell you tonight." He clung to my hands, and I flinched at the contact but didn’t pull away. "I could never regret marrying you. I regret the consequences that have befallen you because of it, and I still worry that I could have passed on my lycanthropy to our child. However, I love you, and I want to share everything with you for the rest of my life."
I nodded. "Good night, Remus. Sleep well."
---------
The next morning I found that, true to his word, he had fixed the light. It was fitting because he had always brought light to my world. Even during her darkest days of the previous year, the thought of him and what we had shared had given me some comfort.
For the next week an uneasy truce developed between us. We lived together but we might as well have been miles apart. We were unerringly polite to each other and went our separate ways. There were times when we were almost back to ourselves, but it never lasted.
Only one incident disturbed that questionable peace. One night, after Remus had done the dishes, I was reading, or rather staring at a page for twenty minutes.
"I can’t live like this."
My heart nearly stopped. "What do you mean?"
"Things aren’t right between us, Dora. I know that’s my fault, but we can’t carry on like this forever." He wore the most emotion on his face since the day he returned.
"You’re right." The distance between us was killing me, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
"What can I do?"
I had to sigh. That’s where he always went wrong, thinking he had to do everything and take all responsibility for the both of us. "There’s no magical formula to fix this, Remus. I just need time."
"Of course. That’s only fair." I could see that he desperately wanted to ask how much time I needed, but he wouldn’t.
After that, our relationship did become less strained. I knew he was doing all he could. In his unassuming way, he helped me through my first bouts of morning sickness, leaving cups of peppermint tea outside my door and bringing me anything I asked for. We talked for hours sometimes. We rediscovered each other slowly and surely.
But we rarely touched, only the merest brush of the hand or occasional kiss on the cheek. Nor did we share the deepest secrets of ourselves.
One day a week later that all changed.
"Are you busy?"
"Not particularly."
"May I show you something?"
"Yeah." He had been scheming about something for the last few days, and I was curious. He moved to cover my eyes, softly asking permission. I nodded. He wrapped an arm securely around my waist and led me in the direction of what I thought was the back garden.
When I opened my eyes, tears immediately welled up. He had replicated our wedding day. The arrangement of chairs and the arch of flowers were identical. He had matched every detail, down to the last rose petal that was strewn along the aisle between the chairs.
He knelt and took one of my hands in both of his. "I broke faith with you, Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin." He waved toward the set up. "I promised you forever, but at the first difficulty I ran. I know this gesture doesn’t go nearly far enough to make it up to you, but I just want to show that I do remember my promise. And I will work the rest of my days to keep it."
Something in me melted at his hopeful and sincere expression. I knew that all our problems weren’t Evanescoed, but I could at least imagine a time when they would be. I knelt so that we were roughly level with each other. "I think this goes quite a long way, actually. But it doesn’t match your simply being here. You fixed the light and helped me through my morning sickness."
"Well it is partly my fault that you have morning sickness."
I rolled my eyes, but I could never express in words how good it was to banter again. "I’ll hold off on blaming you until I’m in labor."
"I appreciate that." Our smiles faded as we leaned toward each other and our lips met for the first time in two weeks. "I appreciate that, too."
I nestled my face into the crook of his neck. "I’m ready for things to be right between us again, Remus." We smiled at each other again, a little awkwardly, but it was the awkwardness of newness. And as we continued to hold each other I knew that this time our life together would last.
The End