Who In These Realms Of Love
Title: Who In These Realms of Love
Author:
summoner_lenne9
Ratings & Warnings: PG-13, for torture and inneudo
Featured Characters: Tonks, Remus, Andromeda, Bellatrix, Lily
Prompts:
plaid or tartan; and
"Feels like fire
I'm so in love with you
Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay-bad at bay
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away-yeah."
- The Power of Love - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Word Count: 5,000
Summary: It would be easy to give up, to the voice calling him in the distance, but he can't, for the sake of the beautiful girl whom he will never let be consumed by the darkness. Their future is spread out in a plaid patchwork quilt of stretch lines, and it is greater than himself.
Author's Notes: I hated my prompts. I stared at them for hours and days on end with not one spark of inspiration. And then listened to Regina Spektor's Braille- which inspired the beginning of the story. The Stone by the Dave Matthews Band inspired quiet a bit, but above all, this fic can be thanks to Leonard Cohen's Who By Fire. It inspired the entire middle. (And, while I did not listen to it writing this, Bruce Springsteen's The Nothing Man inspired a vary obvious part of this fic.) I'm worried about this fic, that it may not have enough Tonks/Remus interaction, even if it definitely about them, and I had to fight tooth and nail to get it to 5000 words- I had to edit out an entire scene I quiet liked, and then had to edit out many small parts to get it from 5,226 words to 5,000. And lastly, my spell checker isn't working for some reason. I tried to catch all errors and typos, but please forgive me if you spot one I didn't catch.
Tonks laid on the ground in her mother’s house, on her favorite shag carpet, her hands placed on her rounded abdomen, as Christmas lights sparkled around her, enchanted holly swung off the banister’s, and the smell of roasting Christmas dinner wafted over her. She was smiling as she felt the irregular lines on her stomach- she could morph them away, but had no desire to, she rather liked this visible marker of Remus’ love and of their wonderful future- counting them, counting this proof that she was going to be a mother, that Remus’ child was living and breathing (and kicking, quiet painfully at times) inside of her. This was the most wondrous thing anyone could possibly imagine- they had created a baby, a baby, and they were going to be parents, and they were going to have a family- a perfectly normal functioning family. (Well as normal and functioning as any family could be with the two of them as parents, anyway.)
It was more than she could handle at times, and she would stare up at the heavens and wonder what she had done to warrant such utter happiness, though she supposed it was a gift for the previous year and for the majority of Remus’ life- Hogwarts and the few subsequent years afterwards set aside, he had suffered through most of his existence.
One... two..... three...... it would be easier to get up and look, but there was a wonderful simplicity in it, to feel them. You did not need eyes to know the truth of the world. Four, five, six- a tiny one, just starting to form, a seventh one hidden near her belly button. An eighth one that was more of an indent than a line, yet. But it would become one- it would become another map across her belly of her future- of the lines of fate. Perhaps that’s what they were, all the possibilities that her life could have taken, all crisscrossing together.
She could think of no better path than one she currently led, spread out on a shag carpet straight out of the sixties that she had spent endless hours coloring and morphing on as a child- a reminder of her past and her future.
She lifted up her left hand and raised it above her- to examine the ring as it sparkled in the light, as she often did, at the weight placed upon such a small and seemingly insignificant, elegant gold band. Elegant. It was perhaps the only thing about her that had ever been elegant- though she had always found pregnant women elegant, in the way they seemed to glow. She had always been envious of them- except now she was pregnant, now she was one of those women. She lowered her hand to her mouth and tenderly kissed the ring that symbolized all of her happiness.
She heard a chuckle and look up to see in her peripheral vision her mother watching her, looking, she was sure, utterly silly, kissing her wedding ring while her shirt was still hiked up so her right hand could count stretch marks and quickly (or as quickly as she could being nearly six months pregnant) sat up to see her mother’s graceful smile. Her eyes had been troubled lately- darkened since Aunt Bella’s torturing, and forever lined since Dad’s departure, and it never ceased to worry Tonks.
So it was with a good deal of relief that Tonks, very embarrassed, tried to cover up her previous fit of silliness. “Oh! Mum, I was-uh”
Mum smiled, “I did the same with you.” she carefully set herself down next to Tonks on the shag carpet, “I was eighteen years old, living in your Granny’s house, lying down on that very same carpet, counting my stretch marks and thinking- ‘Lord. I’m going to have a baby. I’m honestly and truly married to this wonderful man, and I’m having a baby.’”She smiled at Tonks, “We’re in rather similar circumstances right now honestly, it’s a bit disorientating.”
“I really am sorry Mum, about... it all. Dad and.... Aunt Bellatrix.” Mum looked away, trying not to remember when the Ministry had fallen and the particular bit of ‘fun’ Bella had, torturing her sister, telling her she would get her half-blood freak and her werewolf, too.
“I know I should be more..... morbid and sad about this all, but then there are times when I just think- Wow. I’m having Remus’ baby- and I can’t stand to be sad.” She glanced at her mother, “Does that make me a bad person?”
Mum laughed softly and hugged Tonks to her, “I had you during the first war, and my neighbors were dying- some at the hands of my older sister and her husband and later my other brother in law, even if according to them I wasn’t related to any Black’s anymore, and all I could think was- ‘Wow, what should I name this amazing, moving, kicking thing inside me?’”
Tonks mummered under her breath, “I still haven’t forgiven you for that, you know” and Mum laughed again. It was a sad laugh, filled with inner despair and worry, quiet unlike the loud ramboxtious laugh she had had when Tonks was young- though, she supposed ,even then it must have been tainted with the first war; but it was a laugh, and that was something.
Tonks grabbed Mum’s hands, as if they were schoolgirls, and looked up into her eyes and declared, “We’re going to play cards now- all right? We’ll play cards until Remus gets back...” she trailed off and bit her lip and Mum lifted her hand, carefully brushing her honey blond bangs out of her eyes, tucking them behind her ear, and smiled at her.
“You’re so transparent Nympadora,” she made a face and Mum laughed.
“He’ll be back soon Dora, he just... he needs to go to Godric’s Hollow today.” Tonks nodded, chewing her lip.
“I know, I understand, I just hope he’s back for Christmas supper- the turkey smells delicious.” Tonks smiled at her mother, and summoned over the cards, getting ready to pass the time with her mother as the tree’s lights sparkled on her, knowing that her husband would come home to her, and her child, because he had set his git moods aside.
************************************************************************************
Remus had to go to Godric’s Hollow that Christmas- Dora had luckily understood, because he couldn’t completely explain it himself. It certainly had to do with his argument with Harry- with a sense of responsibility for Harry, being the only father-figure even left in his life and their last meeting had hardly been kosher. But it was mostly because he knew that his friends were always watching him, and because Harry had been right. James (and Sirius) was probably screaming at him from the afterlife for being such an utter prat, and apologies were called for.
But above all he had to visit them- to tell them........... thank you. Thank you for always being there, through moons and idiocy and even death. Their roles were reversed and now Remus was the expcetent father who couldn’t sleep for fear of some new catastrophe befalling Dora or the baby, as they had teased James meticulously for so long ago.
Thank you for being the best friends a man could possibly have, and thank you, for letting me let you go now-
And they understood, because Remus finally again has a very vested interest in the living world and the future, not the past.
So it was also, in many ways, a goodbye; because he could finally stand on his own two feet again.
He smiled wistfully as he thought of this, his feet beating the familiar main road of Godric’s Hallow, passing the statue erected in honor of the friends he thought of now- that wasn’t true. Remus Lupin was completely in contempt at standing on his own two feet. It’s why, after November 1st... but no, he had to shake off the memory of that terrible time, as he always did.
No, Remus Lupin could never stand on his own two feet. But Dora Tonks was more than willing to offer him a shoulder, and a life. And a child, and a family.
It was more than he could bear at times.
He smiled to himself, and let his feet trudge along in the snow. Christmas lights were twinkling merrily on gingerbread houses, the roofs reminiscent of vanilla frosting, and he could see families inside- children playing with their new toys, adults comfortably lounged together, drinking cider and eggnog and listening to Christmas music on the muggle wireless. For the first time since November 1st of so long ago he could walk on this street, and not be angered by the happiness of the muggles- for before all he could think was, that did they not know what had happened here? All he could feel was indignation at how they could live on, when everything was lost here, on this spot?
No, now he could see it all, and smile, because he was at peace himself.
He noted deep tracks leading to the graveyard as he walked through the kissing fence, covered up by the slight dusting that had fell today. It looked as if recently two people, one bulky, one petite, had plowed through the snow. Remus was thankful, for even though he had an Impervius charm on him so his clothes would not get soaked it was still much easier to walk along the tracks already laid.
As he trudged through, the crescent moon showering the graveyard with an eery illuminance, something felt distinctly odd about the place. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he shook it off as he followed the tracks towards Lily and James’ grave. No doubt his mind playing tricks on him, paranoid as it was around this place. The tracks meandered, quite likely looking through the rows for a specific tomb, and Remus was content to follow them, less out of a sense of laziness than a chance to contemplate his life. The tracks differed as the two pioneers separated to look for whichever grave they had come to seek, and he followed the one that would lead him to Lily and James’. It was chilly, the tempterure seemed to be steadily dropping, and Remus wrapped his plaid scarf tighter around his neck, his breath whisking into white clouds that reminded him of half-formed Patronus’ and his hand unconsciously gripped tighter the familiar texture of his wand in his trench coat pocket. He trudged on and reached their graves.
He was surprised to find a wreath of Christmas roses, placed upon the marble. He sunk down and touched the flowers- they had frozen in the cold and were begininng to wither, but looked as if they had been placed there in the past twenty four hours. He glanced back at the deep trenches- they stopped here.
Harry.
He knew, he just.... he just knew. There were two tracks- and Bill had said Ron had come home; having walked away from his friends in a fit of a temper and then having the bad luck of running into some snatchers trying to get back to them.
Two tracks. Hermione and Harry. He sank down in the snow and smiled against his scarf, feeling something close to tears in his eyes.
He hesitantly touched the roses and thought of the terrible things he had said to Harry before.
If it wasn’t for Harry, Remus might still be cursing the Christmas lights for sparkling when his friends were dead.
“Your son is amazing, you know that, right?” He whispered, his voice hoarser than usual. “Your gifts to me never end, Lily, James. If it wasn’t for him.....” he trailed off, “But you know about that don’t you? You’re always here...” he smiled ruefully, “You two had a high order to watch over. Your own son, James’ best friend, your wayward werewolf...” he reached out and traced the engraving he had requested- Dumbledore had asked him, being, at the time, the last friend of theirs... alive to care. “The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.” He drew out his wand, and with a florish procurred a bouquet of lily’s, and placed them next to the Christmas roses.
“You can let me go now.” He whispered, and a tear did fall out of his eyes, “I’m... I’m all right. I have Dora-“ he smiled again, “She’s wonderful, James. You would adore her, same with you Lily. Though I suppose you’ve been watching all along and you knew- didn’t you? You knew when I didn’t.” He shook his head, “Or am I giving you two too remarkable of celestial powers?” he smiled again. “I’m fine... and you have Sirius with you now, so you only need to watch Harry now.” He glanced down and bit his lip, “I suppose I should apologize- for not watching him now, but he was right, wasn’t he? I need to be with Dora and my own child....” a huge grin split his face against his own will, “I’m certain that you know already, but I’m going to be a father- James.” he shook his head, “I’m going to be a father...”
He hadn’t noticed the cold approaching him, he had been utterly engrossed in James and Lily, but he did notice it- a moment too late. As his thoughts slipped away from his departed friends they suddenly spiraled backwards, into Novemebr 1st, and he was sinking again...
“Remus... I regret, more than you can possibly know, having to tell you this, but you must know the truth, and the truth is that Sirius betrayed Lily and James. They’re gone. Peter as well.”
Lying in bed, for hours and days on end, time standing still, because they were all gone...
Dora, tears pouring out of her eyes, as she begged him- begged him- to stay. ‘Stay, don’t abandon our child!’ ... shoving her off coldly, telling her that it was for Harry’s sake and the sake of the world...
Her tears, her crystalline tears, as she could not argue- as he broke her, as he broke her and abandoned her and his child............ his child. The idea made him want to retch, that he could create such an abomination.....
As he broke the most important person in the world.
He grasped for his wand, and attempted to shake off the drudge of memories, conjuring to mind Dora laughing, Dora smiling, kissing her rounded stomach, feeling his child move beneath his lips as she tangeled her fingers in his hair...
But then pain shot through him, physical pain, terrible pain, his back was arching as the moon played across his hair, illuminating the silver and there was a thousand knives across every inch of his skin, but his mind as well- his mind was sinking, ripping, screaming as Dora cried and he left her- as he left his child, as James and Lily died and Sirius betrayed them, and he was a small child again, and Greyback was sinking his teeth into his elbow and the pain was exploding around his eyes and he wanted to die, he wanted it to be over, he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.....
And then it stopped, and he collapsed against the marble of Lily and James’ gravestone, the hard stone knocking into his head. He gasped, trying to desperately inhale some of cold, freezing, terrible air his brain lacked. Suddenly though he was dragged back by a hand pulling his hair, and he felt a wand poking into his neck as a cruel voice whispered into his ear, in a terrible mockery of a voice appropriate to coo-ing a baby, “Awwww, look, it’s da wittle werehubby, coming to tawlk to his fwiends.”
She spat on him and clutching ferociously onto his hair, dragged him until she could rave in his ear, “Shame of my family! Like lambs to the slaughter- Potter shows up here, just as the Dark Lord knew he would, and you next! I would feed you to the dementors now, and deposit your soulless body on my dear sister’s door step- but that’s not enough, is it?”
Bellatrix smiled cruely against his ear, and spun him around to face her. She looked even madder than usual; her hair matted, her eyes wide and pupils dilated- ravaged by greed, and a look of utmost hunger on her face- for his death. She smiled wickedly at him.
“No...” she whispered, her breath coming out and freezing on his face in tiny harsh crystals, “No. I think I will torture you like I did those auror scum. I think I will deliver you to you dear freak of a wife out of your mind,” she smiled spitefully and beckoned for a dementor to come closer- Remus didn’t know how she was controlling them, but she seemed to get the message across- Don’t kiss him, just make his life hell. He didn’t know dementors had so much control. It glided over, and it’s revolting mouth was only inches away from Remus’ lips.
“You... won’t... win....” He grit out, and Bellatrix turned to him, with the cruelest, most sadistic smile on her face, and lifted her wand to jab into his temple.
“Crucio.”
Madness. Pain. He wasn’t sure how long it went on. He had no sense of self- there was no Remus Lupin anymore. There was a beautiful girl, so beautiful, with mousy brown hair, lying in the middle of the nothingness, curled up into a ball. And then there was the Nothing Man, and he knew he was very cold, if he knew nothing else at all. Everything was cold- and everything was pain, and yet there was also just a vast nothingness.
He felt his mind separating, unable to handle the pain, the torture, the memories- there was a man somewhere, withering in the snow, crying and screaming, but there was someone else, watching it all distantly, feeling nothing but cold- the Nothing Man.
This Nothing Man looked up, his eyes vacant, and he noticed a red haired woman approaching him. He stared up at her distantly- she looked familar, as she approached him and tucked his bangs behind his eyes. It was a familar motion, and it brought some sort of warmth back to him, and then she embraced him- and he could hear something, calling him, off in the distance.
“Remus, don’t give up.” She whispered, and he lay still in her arms, unable to understand. The world was unraveling at the ends, slowy decaying, and he looked at the mousy brown girl, curled up into a tight ball, her tears leaking onto the floor, crystallizing below her into cruel ice. The darkness was about to envelope her.
“Help her.” He whispered to the girl with the astonishing eyes. He didn’t know why it was so important, but he could feel the voice in the distance, calling him, growing louder. “She’s going to be eaten up.”
She looked very cold, this girl with the mousey hair. She was lying in nothing but a sheer slip, and she looked incredibly lonely. He wanted to help her, to touch her, but he couldn’t move.
The nothing man realized, in that moment, that she was the most important thing in the world. It was odd, to realize something so strong, when the world was raveling away.
The pretty girl disentangled herself from the Nothing Man, and he stared into her eyes- they were so green, so bright, so out of place in this terrible darkness, and she whispered, “Only you can save her, Remus. If you give up, that’s what she will become. That’s what you will become.”
The decay was reaching her, and the girl curled more in on herself, but the Nothing Man felt as if he was in some thick gelatin-like substance, and he could barely move, “Who’s calling me?” It was becoming louder, and he could now recognize two distinct voices- a whisper, coming from the approaching decay, and something else, a cry, a light voice, begging him....
“They both are.” She gestured around, “And it is your choice whether to go back to her, or to give up.” She motioned towards the darkness. It was fingering the girl’s mousey hair now, but he still couldn’t move.
“I don’t have the strength...” he whispered, pleading with the wild-eyed girl to understand.
And her eyes held the truth in them- and he knew. And the darkness was approaching the girls mousy hair, and it was eating it, and it was rotting on her head, and she was whimpering, and then he was moving- he was running towards her, and he was moving through the thickness and despair and he picked her up- she was so warm in this terrible place- and she clutched to him, entwining her arms around his frame, and-
Remus was thrown back to consciousness- and the pain was terrible, thick- his limbs were shaking, his mouth open- throat contracting, dry, unable to produce anymore screams, but he moved his convulsing arm, reached for his wand in his pocket- Bellatrix was too busy laughing maniacally to notice anything changing in her victim. He tried to move his throat muscles-,but they were too worn out...
“Nonverbal spell, nonverbal spell, nonverbal spell....” The dark was trying to encroach him again, and he could hear the screams of the boy being bitten by Greyback, he could hear Dora crying- but he focused instead on the happiest thing he could possibly think of-
Of being curled up with Dora, entwined together as if endlessly one body, of clutching onto her for dear life, of knowing that they were together- truly, in all endless eternal ways.....
‘Expecto Patronum.’
It rushed out of his wand, grasped haphazardly in his hand, a flurry of glowing silvery butterflies- he half recognized that his patronus had changed form, but only half, because he supposed he knew it was going to all along. The dementors were plowed away, his mind cleared up instantly, and the shock of it caused Bellatrix to drop her wand- ending the spell, and Remus fell, no longer being suspended in midair, twisting himself around- thinking of one thing only.
Home. Dora. Home. The garden and the pond and above all- Dora, smiling, with her bubble gum hair in ringlets and her rounded stomach as she went to embrace him.
He felt himself being squeezed through time and space, and he landed on the hard ground past the pond- thorns pricked into his face and he heard a scream.
And then it was black again.
********************************************************************************
Remus found consciousness a long time before he could move. He was aware of himself breathing, he was aware of a dull aching in his bones, but he couldn’t force his eyelids to open.
As he grew more accustomed to his surroundings though he noticed a weight on his chest- a sharp nosed pressed into his chest, and a pair of arms wrapped around his waist. He felt a deep peace at this feeling- he couldn’t form words yet, his mind was slowly familiarizing with his surroundings and he couldn’t explain what it was, but whoever made him feel very, very secure and warm. He let himself bask in that feeling as thought slowly crept back into his mind.
At some point later one word popped into his weary mind- Dora- and with that came an avalanche of understanding, of remembrances of the night before, and it gave him enough energy to finally open his eyes.
The light hurt his corneas, and he had to blink many times before he could focus on anything. They were in their bedroom- light was shafting through the window, and it seemed to be the late afternoon- but all he could notice was Dora. Her hair had shifted to it’s mousy brown in her sleep, and her lips were opening and closing with light snores as she lay on his chest.
He smiled and leaned forward to carefully kiss her hair. She shifted and then suddenly sat up, very narrowly missing his head with her skull.
She looked disorientated for a minute, then focused her eyes on Remus. They grew wide with worry, “Re-“
”You shouldn’t sleep like that, it’s not good for the baby.” He chastised her with a hesitant smile, and she raised her hands to her mouth before collapsing with sobs against his chest.
He carefully brought his hand up and patted her shoulder, “Please don’t cry Dora...” he trailed off. His voice was hoarse, and it hurt to form words. She sobbed harder and he tightened his arm around her as best he could, silently wishing her to stop.
He couldn’t stand her tears right now, it was her smile he needed.
Finally she calmed down enough to breathe in deep gulps of air and, after a few more shaky breaths, whispered “We didn’t know if you were.... if you were going to be yourself Remus.” she rubbed her eyes, “You crashed into the garden, and Mum said you had been tortured, like the Longbottoms, and....”
He looked her deep in the eyes and spoke slowly, his throat still scratchy and hoarse “I think... I think Harry had just shown up. They had the place set- it was Bellatrix.”
Dora nodded, biting her lip “Mum... Mum thought so.” Her eyes were watery but she reached out and caressed his cheek, “You came back to me.”
“I did. I wasn’t going to leave you again.” She smiled at him then- so brilliantly, her bright eyes shown and her lips curved up, and his heart healed.
With all the strength he had he reached across to her, tucking his hand into her hair, and pulled her to him. She met his lips, desperately, kissing him with such emotion he could do nothing but wrap his other arm around her, as she clung to him desperately, ravaging his mouth- he was swept away in it and did his best to meet her desperate passion.
Several moments later she pulled back and wistfully kissed down his neck, finally resting her lips and tongue on his collarbone. He closed his eyes, clutching her to him, when he suddenly noticed something.
“Dora...” he began shakily, “... I don’t have any clothes on, do I?”
Dora drew back, and then burst out laughing, and her laughter was the most gorgeous sound he had ever heard. “Oh no Remus,” she said, shaking with her laughter and barely able to get the words out, “Because I’ve never seen you naked before!”
He laughed with her, and she traced the lines of his face lovingly- sweeping his bangs back, and he smiled back at her. “As much, Dora, as I would love to make love to you right now, I don’t really think I’m up to it.” He smiled at her apologetically, “Do you think you could perhaps fetch my clothes?”
She smiled back at him tenderly, rolling her eyes and setting to the wardrobe, pulling out a plaid shirt, pair of briefs and tan pants. She had given him a whole set of new clothes for Christmas, citing he couldn’t complain about it because it was a present, and the unweathered state of them still surprised him.
She sat back down next to him and looked at him mischievously “Do you need any help getting dressed?”
He laughed again, “Dora, you know as well as I do if you attempt to help me put my briefs on, we’re not going to be leaving this bed anytime soon.” She shrugged over dramatically and huffed, “Oh, well, a girl could hope...” and smiled and plopped on the bed next to him carefully, laying the clothes between them.
He turned to stare at her, just let her image set in and never let it go, and noticed her shirt had ridden up. He could see the swell of her pregnancy, and, smiling mischievously himself, he carefully eased up the shirt, staring at the intersecting lines of stretch marks on her stomach. He hesitantly started tracing them, trying to count them.
She burst out laughing as she was morphing her hair into raspberry ringlets, and gazed at him fondly. “I was doing that yesterday, I was counting all my stretch marks.”
He looked into her eyes then glanced away, “I’m sorry Dora, about ruining Christmas, and now Boxing day-“ she shushed him with a finger tip against his lips. “We’ll have none of that- you came home to me. That’s the best present you could ever give me Remus.” she smiled at him tenderly, then went and picked up the plaid sleeve of his shirt off the bed carefully, looking at the intersecting lines of brown and tan, “My stomach looks like this now, doesn’t it? It’s like a big plaid patchwork quilt of stretch lines.” She ran a finger down one of the lines, catching Remus’ finger as he traced one that crossed over it diagonally.
“You know...” she whispered, entwining their fingers together and resting them on top of her belly, “I was being utterly silly yesterday, and started getting dreadfully romantic.” She raised an eyebrow at him, and he smirked back at her.
“Oh no, my wife has decided to express her love and affections- what ever will I do?” She swatted him lightly with her spare hand but then returned to glancing down at their hands, over their baby.
“I was thinking of these lines, kind of like lines of my future, of our future, and their intersected now, all because of this wonderful thing in here-“ the baby took that moment to give a particularly strong kick and Dora screwed up her face, and then Remus was laughing, and laughing, and he couldn’t stop.
She smiled at him, and kissed him tenderly again, and he knew that he would never have any choice, always to fight, to be here with her.
Author:
summoner_lenne9
Ratings & Warnings: PG-13, for torture and inneudo
Featured Characters: Tonks, Remus, Andromeda, Bellatrix, Lily
Prompts:
plaid or tartan; and
"Feels like fire
I'm so in love with you
Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay-bad at bay
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away-yeah."
- The Power of Love - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Word Count: 5,000
Summary: It would be easy to give up, to the voice calling him in the distance, but he can't, for the sake of the beautiful girl whom he will never let be consumed by the darkness. Their future is spread out in a plaid patchwork quilt of stretch lines, and it is greater than himself.
Author's Notes: I hated my prompts. I stared at them for hours and days on end with not one spark of inspiration. And then listened to Regina Spektor's Braille- which inspired the beginning of the story. The Stone by the Dave Matthews Band inspired quiet a bit, but above all, this fic can be thanks to Leonard Cohen's Who By Fire. It inspired the entire middle. (And, while I did not listen to it writing this, Bruce Springsteen's The Nothing Man inspired a vary obvious part of this fic.) I'm worried about this fic, that it may not have enough Tonks/Remus interaction, even if it definitely about them, and I had to fight tooth and nail to get it to 5000 words- I had to edit out an entire scene I quiet liked, and then had to edit out many small parts to get it from 5,226 words to 5,000. And lastly, my spell checker isn't working for some reason. I tried to catch all errors and typos, but please forgive me if you spot one I didn't catch.
Tonks laid on the ground in her mother’s house, on her favorite shag carpet, her hands placed on her rounded abdomen, as Christmas lights sparkled around her, enchanted holly swung off the banister’s, and the smell of roasting Christmas dinner wafted over her. She was smiling as she felt the irregular lines on her stomach- she could morph them away, but had no desire to, she rather liked this visible marker of Remus’ love and of their wonderful future- counting them, counting this proof that she was going to be a mother, that Remus’ child was living and breathing (and kicking, quiet painfully at times) inside of her. This was the most wondrous thing anyone could possibly imagine- they had created a baby, a baby, and they were going to be parents, and they were going to have a family- a perfectly normal functioning family. (Well as normal and functioning as any family could be with the two of them as parents, anyway.)
It was more than she could handle at times, and she would stare up at the heavens and wonder what she had done to warrant such utter happiness, though she supposed it was a gift for the previous year and for the majority of Remus’ life- Hogwarts and the few subsequent years afterwards set aside, he had suffered through most of his existence.
One... two..... three...... it would be easier to get up and look, but there was a wonderful simplicity in it, to feel them. You did not need eyes to know the truth of the world. Four, five, six- a tiny one, just starting to form, a seventh one hidden near her belly button. An eighth one that was more of an indent than a line, yet. But it would become one- it would become another map across her belly of her future- of the lines of fate. Perhaps that’s what they were, all the possibilities that her life could have taken, all crisscrossing together.
She could think of no better path than one she currently led, spread out on a shag carpet straight out of the sixties that she had spent endless hours coloring and morphing on as a child- a reminder of her past and her future.
She lifted up her left hand and raised it above her- to examine the ring as it sparkled in the light, as she often did, at the weight placed upon such a small and seemingly insignificant, elegant gold band. Elegant. It was perhaps the only thing about her that had ever been elegant- though she had always found pregnant women elegant, in the way they seemed to glow. She had always been envious of them- except now she was pregnant, now she was one of those women. She lowered her hand to her mouth and tenderly kissed the ring that symbolized all of her happiness.
She heard a chuckle and look up to see in her peripheral vision her mother watching her, looking, she was sure, utterly silly, kissing her wedding ring while her shirt was still hiked up so her right hand could count stretch marks and quickly (or as quickly as she could being nearly six months pregnant) sat up to see her mother’s graceful smile. Her eyes had been troubled lately- darkened since Aunt Bella’s torturing, and forever lined since Dad’s departure, and it never ceased to worry Tonks.
So it was with a good deal of relief that Tonks, very embarrassed, tried to cover up her previous fit of silliness. “Oh! Mum, I was-uh”
Mum smiled, “I did the same with you.” she carefully set herself down next to Tonks on the shag carpet, “I was eighteen years old, living in your Granny’s house, lying down on that very same carpet, counting my stretch marks and thinking- ‘Lord. I’m going to have a baby. I’m honestly and truly married to this wonderful man, and I’m having a baby.’”She smiled at Tonks, “We’re in rather similar circumstances right now honestly, it’s a bit disorientating.”
“I really am sorry Mum, about... it all. Dad and.... Aunt Bellatrix.” Mum looked away, trying not to remember when the Ministry had fallen and the particular bit of ‘fun’ Bella had, torturing her sister, telling her she would get her half-blood freak and her werewolf, too.
“I know I should be more..... morbid and sad about this all, but then there are times when I just think- Wow. I’m having Remus’ baby- and I can’t stand to be sad.” She glanced at her mother, “Does that make me a bad person?”
Mum laughed softly and hugged Tonks to her, “I had you during the first war, and my neighbors were dying- some at the hands of my older sister and her husband and later my other brother in law, even if according to them I wasn’t related to any Black’s anymore, and all I could think was- ‘Wow, what should I name this amazing, moving, kicking thing inside me?’”
Tonks mummered under her breath, “I still haven’t forgiven you for that, you know” and Mum laughed again. It was a sad laugh, filled with inner despair and worry, quiet unlike the loud ramboxtious laugh she had had when Tonks was young- though, she supposed ,even then it must have been tainted with the first war; but it was a laugh, and that was something.
Tonks grabbed Mum’s hands, as if they were schoolgirls, and looked up into her eyes and declared, “We’re going to play cards now- all right? We’ll play cards until Remus gets back...” she trailed off and bit her lip and Mum lifted her hand, carefully brushing her honey blond bangs out of her eyes, tucking them behind her ear, and smiled at her.
“You’re so transparent Nympadora,” she made a face and Mum laughed.
“He’ll be back soon Dora, he just... he needs to go to Godric’s Hollow today.” Tonks nodded, chewing her lip.
“I know, I understand, I just hope he’s back for Christmas supper- the turkey smells delicious.” Tonks smiled at her mother, and summoned over the cards, getting ready to pass the time with her mother as the tree’s lights sparkled on her, knowing that her husband would come home to her, and her child, because he had set his git moods aside.
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Remus had to go to Godric’s Hollow that Christmas- Dora had luckily understood, because he couldn’t completely explain it himself. It certainly had to do with his argument with Harry- with a sense of responsibility for Harry, being the only father-figure even left in his life and their last meeting had hardly been kosher. But it was mostly because he knew that his friends were always watching him, and because Harry had been right. James (and Sirius) was probably screaming at him from the afterlife for being such an utter prat, and apologies were called for.
But above all he had to visit them- to tell them........... thank you. Thank you for always being there, through moons and idiocy and even death. Their roles were reversed and now Remus was the expcetent father who couldn’t sleep for fear of some new catastrophe befalling Dora or the baby, as they had teased James meticulously for so long ago.
Thank you for being the best friends a man could possibly have, and thank you, for letting me let you go now-
And they understood, because Remus finally again has a very vested interest in the living world and the future, not the past.
So it was also, in many ways, a goodbye; because he could finally stand on his own two feet again.
He smiled wistfully as he thought of this, his feet beating the familiar main road of Godric’s Hallow, passing the statue erected in honor of the friends he thought of now- that wasn’t true. Remus Lupin was completely in contempt at standing on his own two feet. It’s why, after November 1st... but no, he had to shake off the memory of that terrible time, as he always did.
No, Remus Lupin could never stand on his own two feet. But Dora Tonks was more than willing to offer him a shoulder, and a life. And a child, and a family.
It was more than he could bear at times.
He smiled to himself, and let his feet trudge along in the snow. Christmas lights were twinkling merrily on gingerbread houses, the roofs reminiscent of vanilla frosting, and he could see families inside- children playing with their new toys, adults comfortably lounged together, drinking cider and eggnog and listening to Christmas music on the muggle wireless. For the first time since November 1st of so long ago he could walk on this street, and not be angered by the happiness of the muggles- for before all he could think was, that did they not know what had happened here? All he could feel was indignation at how they could live on, when everything was lost here, on this spot?
No, now he could see it all, and smile, because he was at peace himself.
He noted deep tracks leading to the graveyard as he walked through the kissing fence, covered up by the slight dusting that had fell today. It looked as if recently two people, one bulky, one petite, had plowed through the snow. Remus was thankful, for even though he had an Impervius charm on him so his clothes would not get soaked it was still much easier to walk along the tracks already laid.
As he trudged through, the crescent moon showering the graveyard with an eery illuminance, something felt distinctly odd about the place. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he shook it off as he followed the tracks towards Lily and James’ grave. No doubt his mind playing tricks on him, paranoid as it was around this place. The tracks meandered, quite likely looking through the rows for a specific tomb, and Remus was content to follow them, less out of a sense of laziness than a chance to contemplate his life. The tracks differed as the two pioneers separated to look for whichever grave they had come to seek, and he followed the one that would lead him to Lily and James’. It was chilly, the tempterure seemed to be steadily dropping, and Remus wrapped his plaid scarf tighter around his neck, his breath whisking into white clouds that reminded him of half-formed Patronus’ and his hand unconsciously gripped tighter the familiar texture of his wand in his trench coat pocket. He trudged on and reached their graves.
He was surprised to find a wreath of Christmas roses, placed upon the marble. He sunk down and touched the flowers- they had frozen in the cold and were begininng to wither, but looked as if they had been placed there in the past twenty four hours. He glanced back at the deep trenches- they stopped here.
Harry.
He knew, he just.... he just knew. There were two tracks- and Bill had said Ron had come home; having walked away from his friends in a fit of a temper and then having the bad luck of running into some snatchers trying to get back to them.
Two tracks. Hermione and Harry. He sank down in the snow and smiled against his scarf, feeling something close to tears in his eyes.
He hesitantly touched the roses and thought of the terrible things he had said to Harry before.
If it wasn’t for Harry, Remus might still be cursing the Christmas lights for sparkling when his friends were dead.
“Your son is amazing, you know that, right?” He whispered, his voice hoarser than usual. “Your gifts to me never end, Lily, James. If it wasn’t for him.....” he trailed off, “But you know about that don’t you? You’re always here...” he smiled ruefully, “You two had a high order to watch over. Your own son, James’ best friend, your wayward werewolf...” he reached out and traced the engraving he had requested- Dumbledore had asked him, being, at the time, the last friend of theirs... alive to care. “The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.” He drew out his wand, and with a florish procurred a bouquet of lily’s, and placed them next to the Christmas roses.
“You can let me go now.” He whispered, and a tear did fall out of his eyes, “I’m... I’m all right. I have Dora-“ he smiled again, “She’s wonderful, James. You would adore her, same with you Lily. Though I suppose you’ve been watching all along and you knew- didn’t you? You knew when I didn’t.” He shook his head, “Or am I giving you two too remarkable of celestial powers?” he smiled again. “I’m fine... and you have Sirius with you now, so you only need to watch Harry now.” He glanced down and bit his lip, “I suppose I should apologize- for not watching him now, but he was right, wasn’t he? I need to be with Dora and my own child....” a huge grin split his face against his own will, “I’m certain that you know already, but I’m going to be a father- James.” he shook his head, “I’m going to be a father...”
He hadn’t noticed the cold approaching him, he had been utterly engrossed in James and Lily, but he did notice it- a moment too late. As his thoughts slipped away from his departed friends they suddenly spiraled backwards, into Novemebr 1st, and he was sinking again...
“Remus... I regret, more than you can possibly know, having to tell you this, but you must know the truth, and the truth is that Sirius betrayed Lily and James. They’re gone. Peter as well.”
Lying in bed, for hours and days on end, time standing still, because they were all gone...
Dora, tears pouring out of her eyes, as she begged him- begged him- to stay. ‘Stay, don’t abandon our child!’ ... shoving her off coldly, telling her that it was for Harry’s sake and the sake of the world...
Her tears, her crystalline tears, as she could not argue- as he broke her, as he broke her and abandoned her and his child............ his child. The idea made him want to retch, that he could create such an abomination.....
As he broke the most important person in the world.
He grasped for his wand, and attempted to shake off the drudge of memories, conjuring to mind Dora laughing, Dora smiling, kissing her rounded stomach, feeling his child move beneath his lips as she tangeled her fingers in his hair...
But then pain shot through him, physical pain, terrible pain, his back was arching as the moon played across his hair, illuminating the silver and there was a thousand knives across every inch of his skin, but his mind as well- his mind was sinking, ripping, screaming as Dora cried and he left her- as he left his child, as James and Lily died and Sirius betrayed them, and he was a small child again, and Greyback was sinking his teeth into his elbow and the pain was exploding around his eyes and he wanted to die, he wanted it to be over, he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.....
And then it stopped, and he collapsed against the marble of Lily and James’ gravestone, the hard stone knocking into his head. He gasped, trying to desperately inhale some of cold, freezing, terrible air his brain lacked. Suddenly though he was dragged back by a hand pulling his hair, and he felt a wand poking into his neck as a cruel voice whispered into his ear, in a terrible mockery of a voice appropriate to coo-ing a baby, “Awwww, look, it’s da wittle werehubby, coming to tawlk to his fwiends.”
She spat on him and clutching ferociously onto his hair, dragged him until she could rave in his ear, “Shame of my family! Like lambs to the slaughter- Potter shows up here, just as the Dark Lord knew he would, and you next! I would feed you to the dementors now, and deposit your soulless body on my dear sister’s door step- but that’s not enough, is it?”
Bellatrix smiled cruely against his ear, and spun him around to face her. She looked even madder than usual; her hair matted, her eyes wide and pupils dilated- ravaged by greed, and a look of utmost hunger on her face- for his death. She smiled wickedly at him.
“No...” she whispered, her breath coming out and freezing on his face in tiny harsh crystals, “No. I think I will torture you like I did those auror scum. I think I will deliver you to you dear freak of a wife out of your mind,” she smiled spitefully and beckoned for a dementor to come closer- Remus didn’t know how she was controlling them, but she seemed to get the message across- Don’t kiss him, just make his life hell. He didn’t know dementors had so much control. It glided over, and it’s revolting mouth was only inches away from Remus’ lips.
“You... won’t... win....” He grit out, and Bellatrix turned to him, with the cruelest, most sadistic smile on her face, and lifted her wand to jab into his temple.
“Crucio.”
Madness. Pain. He wasn’t sure how long it went on. He had no sense of self- there was no Remus Lupin anymore. There was a beautiful girl, so beautiful, with mousy brown hair, lying in the middle of the nothingness, curled up into a ball. And then there was the Nothing Man, and he knew he was very cold, if he knew nothing else at all. Everything was cold- and everything was pain, and yet there was also just a vast nothingness.
He felt his mind separating, unable to handle the pain, the torture, the memories- there was a man somewhere, withering in the snow, crying and screaming, but there was someone else, watching it all distantly, feeling nothing but cold- the Nothing Man.
This Nothing Man looked up, his eyes vacant, and he noticed a red haired woman approaching him. He stared up at her distantly- she looked familar, as she approached him and tucked his bangs behind his eyes. It was a familar motion, and it brought some sort of warmth back to him, and then she embraced him- and he could hear something, calling him, off in the distance.
“Remus, don’t give up.” She whispered, and he lay still in her arms, unable to understand. The world was unraveling at the ends, slowy decaying, and he looked at the mousy brown girl, curled up into a tight ball, her tears leaking onto the floor, crystallizing below her into cruel ice. The darkness was about to envelope her.
“Help her.” He whispered to the girl with the astonishing eyes. He didn’t know why it was so important, but he could feel the voice in the distance, calling him, growing louder. “She’s going to be eaten up.”
She looked very cold, this girl with the mousey hair. She was lying in nothing but a sheer slip, and she looked incredibly lonely. He wanted to help her, to touch her, but he couldn’t move.
The nothing man realized, in that moment, that she was the most important thing in the world. It was odd, to realize something so strong, when the world was raveling away.
The pretty girl disentangled herself from the Nothing Man, and he stared into her eyes- they were so green, so bright, so out of place in this terrible darkness, and she whispered, “Only you can save her, Remus. If you give up, that’s what she will become. That’s what you will become.”
The decay was reaching her, and the girl curled more in on herself, but the Nothing Man felt as if he was in some thick gelatin-like substance, and he could barely move, “Who’s calling me?” It was becoming louder, and he could now recognize two distinct voices- a whisper, coming from the approaching decay, and something else, a cry, a light voice, begging him....
“They both are.” She gestured around, “And it is your choice whether to go back to her, or to give up.” She motioned towards the darkness. It was fingering the girl’s mousey hair now, but he still couldn’t move.
“I don’t have the strength...” he whispered, pleading with the wild-eyed girl to understand.
And her eyes held the truth in them- and he knew. And the darkness was approaching the girls mousy hair, and it was eating it, and it was rotting on her head, and she was whimpering, and then he was moving- he was running towards her, and he was moving through the thickness and despair and he picked her up- she was so warm in this terrible place- and she clutched to him, entwining her arms around his frame, and-
Remus was thrown back to consciousness- and the pain was terrible, thick- his limbs were shaking, his mouth open- throat contracting, dry, unable to produce anymore screams, but he moved his convulsing arm, reached for his wand in his pocket- Bellatrix was too busy laughing maniacally to notice anything changing in her victim. He tried to move his throat muscles-,but they were too worn out...
“Nonverbal spell, nonverbal spell, nonverbal spell....” The dark was trying to encroach him again, and he could hear the screams of the boy being bitten by Greyback, he could hear Dora crying- but he focused instead on the happiest thing he could possibly think of-
Of being curled up with Dora, entwined together as if endlessly one body, of clutching onto her for dear life, of knowing that they were together- truly, in all endless eternal ways.....
‘Expecto Patronum.’
It rushed out of his wand, grasped haphazardly in his hand, a flurry of glowing silvery butterflies- he half recognized that his patronus had changed form, but only half, because he supposed he knew it was going to all along. The dementors were plowed away, his mind cleared up instantly, and the shock of it caused Bellatrix to drop her wand- ending the spell, and Remus fell, no longer being suspended in midair, twisting himself around- thinking of one thing only.
Home. Dora. Home. The garden and the pond and above all- Dora, smiling, with her bubble gum hair in ringlets and her rounded stomach as she went to embrace him.
He felt himself being squeezed through time and space, and he landed on the hard ground past the pond- thorns pricked into his face and he heard a scream.
And then it was black again.
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Remus found consciousness a long time before he could move. He was aware of himself breathing, he was aware of a dull aching in his bones, but he couldn’t force his eyelids to open.
As he grew more accustomed to his surroundings though he noticed a weight on his chest- a sharp nosed pressed into his chest, and a pair of arms wrapped around his waist. He felt a deep peace at this feeling- he couldn’t form words yet, his mind was slowly familiarizing with his surroundings and he couldn’t explain what it was, but whoever made him feel very, very secure and warm. He let himself bask in that feeling as thought slowly crept back into his mind.
At some point later one word popped into his weary mind- Dora- and with that came an avalanche of understanding, of remembrances of the night before, and it gave him enough energy to finally open his eyes.
The light hurt his corneas, and he had to blink many times before he could focus on anything. They were in their bedroom- light was shafting through the window, and it seemed to be the late afternoon- but all he could notice was Dora. Her hair had shifted to it’s mousy brown in her sleep, and her lips were opening and closing with light snores as she lay on his chest.
He smiled and leaned forward to carefully kiss her hair. She shifted and then suddenly sat up, very narrowly missing his head with her skull.
She looked disorientated for a minute, then focused her eyes on Remus. They grew wide with worry, “Re-“
”You shouldn’t sleep like that, it’s not good for the baby.” He chastised her with a hesitant smile, and she raised her hands to her mouth before collapsing with sobs against his chest.
He carefully brought his hand up and patted her shoulder, “Please don’t cry Dora...” he trailed off. His voice was hoarse, and it hurt to form words. She sobbed harder and he tightened his arm around her as best he could, silently wishing her to stop.
He couldn’t stand her tears right now, it was her smile he needed.
Finally she calmed down enough to breathe in deep gulps of air and, after a few more shaky breaths, whispered “We didn’t know if you were.... if you were going to be yourself Remus.” she rubbed her eyes, “You crashed into the garden, and Mum said you had been tortured, like the Longbottoms, and....”
He looked her deep in the eyes and spoke slowly, his throat still scratchy and hoarse “I think... I think Harry had just shown up. They had the place set- it was Bellatrix.”
Dora nodded, biting her lip “Mum... Mum thought so.” Her eyes were watery but she reached out and caressed his cheek, “You came back to me.”
“I did. I wasn’t going to leave you again.” She smiled at him then- so brilliantly, her bright eyes shown and her lips curved up, and his heart healed.
With all the strength he had he reached across to her, tucking his hand into her hair, and pulled her to him. She met his lips, desperately, kissing him with such emotion he could do nothing but wrap his other arm around her, as she clung to him desperately, ravaging his mouth- he was swept away in it and did his best to meet her desperate passion.
Several moments later she pulled back and wistfully kissed down his neck, finally resting her lips and tongue on his collarbone. He closed his eyes, clutching her to him, when he suddenly noticed something.
“Dora...” he began shakily, “... I don’t have any clothes on, do I?”
Dora drew back, and then burst out laughing, and her laughter was the most gorgeous sound he had ever heard. “Oh no Remus,” she said, shaking with her laughter and barely able to get the words out, “Because I’ve never seen you naked before!”
He laughed with her, and she traced the lines of his face lovingly- sweeping his bangs back, and he smiled back at her. “As much, Dora, as I would love to make love to you right now, I don’t really think I’m up to it.” He smiled at her apologetically, “Do you think you could perhaps fetch my clothes?”
She smiled back at him tenderly, rolling her eyes and setting to the wardrobe, pulling out a plaid shirt, pair of briefs and tan pants. She had given him a whole set of new clothes for Christmas, citing he couldn’t complain about it because it was a present, and the unweathered state of them still surprised him.
She sat back down next to him and looked at him mischievously “Do you need any help getting dressed?”
He laughed again, “Dora, you know as well as I do if you attempt to help me put my briefs on, we’re not going to be leaving this bed anytime soon.” She shrugged over dramatically and huffed, “Oh, well, a girl could hope...” and smiled and plopped on the bed next to him carefully, laying the clothes between them.
He turned to stare at her, just let her image set in and never let it go, and noticed her shirt had ridden up. He could see the swell of her pregnancy, and, smiling mischievously himself, he carefully eased up the shirt, staring at the intersecting lines of stretch marks on her stomach. He hesitantly started tracing them, trying to count them.
She burst out laughing as she was morphing her hair into raspberry ringlets, and gazed at him fondly. “I was doing that yesterday, I was counting all my stretch marks.”
He looked into her eyes then glanced away, “I’m sorry Dora, about ruining Christmas, and now Boxing day-“ she shushed him with a finger tip against his lips. “We’ll have none of that- you came home to me. That’s the best present you could ever give me Remus.” she smiled at him tenderly, then went and picked up the plaid sleeve of his shirt off the bed carefully, looking at the intersecting lines of brown and tan, “My stomach looks like this now, doesn’t it? It’s like a big plaid patchwork quilt of stretch lines.” She ran a finger down one of the lines, catching Remus’ finger as he traced one that crossed over it diagonally.
“You know...” she whispered, entwining their fingers together and resting them on top of her belly, “I was being utterly silly yesterday, and started getting dreadfully romantic.” She raised an eyebrow at him, and he smirked back at her.
“Oh no, my wife has decided to express her love and affections- what ever will I do?” She swatted him lightly with her spare hand but then returned to glancing down at their hands, over their baby.
“I was thinking of these lines, kind of like lines of my future, of our future, and their intersected now, all because of this wonderful thing in here-“ the baby took that moment to give a particularly strong kick and Dora screwed up her face, and then Remus was laughing, and laughing, and he couldn’t stop.
She smiled at him, and kissed him tenderly again, and he knew that he would never have any choice, always to fight, to be here with her.