Comments | metamorfic_moon: Recovering

oneandonlysusan in metamorfic_moon

Recovering

Nov 02, 2007 00:57

Title: Recovering
Author: oneandonlysusan
Rating & Warnings: PG
Prompts: Day of Commitment, Patented Daydream Charm, Drama or Romance, location prompt #25
Genre: Romance/Drama(/slight angst)
Word Count: 2509
Summary: She tries hard not to let her thoughts fade back to it all, because she wants to have this memory without remembering the smiles ( Read more... )

romance, oneandonlysusan, drama, all hallows' moon jumble

Comments 13

lady_bracknell November 2 2007, 11:44:27 UTC

Oh, this is really lovely. I loved the twist at the end with the daydream charm, and the whole thing was really well written. I'm glad you're happy with it, because you really should be :D.

oneandonlysusan November 2 2007, 23:22:31 UTC

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

mrstater November 2 2007, 17:46:45 UTC

This is really, really exquisitely lovely. The style you wrote it in absolutely compliments the Daydream Charm prompt, because it all reads just like a dream, scenes and faces floating in and out.

There are so many gorgeous phrases in here but I thought this one in particular was just stunning:

she remembers distinctly a moment where she knew it was going to happen, that they were going to kiss, that his hands would move to her back and her chin, and that they would embrace what they’d been tiptoeing about for so long.

I just love how you used embrace there, as it's the next thing in their physical movement, but it more carries the metaphor. Simply brilliant writing.

Love this. Well done!

oneandonlysusan November 2 2007, 23:24:48 UTC

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the style- it was a definite challenge to make it read like a dream, and I was really happy it worked out. Also glad that you caught the significance of embrace.

I appreciate the kind words! :D

godricgal November 3 2007, 14:03:32 UTC

This is just wonderful. Your prose is poetic in the use of language and sentence structure, which really lends itself to the Daydream Charm prompt. I thought the romance was perfectly balanced, and Remus and Tonks very well characterised. I really enjoyed this. :)

oneandonlysusan November 4 2007, 22:21:08 UTC

Thank you so much! I worked very hard on everything you've commented on, so I'm really glad it came through!

parapsionic November 3 2007, 18:17:56 UTC

I really enjoyed reading this. :) I think you used the "Daydream Charm" prompt really well, and I agree with what mrstater said about the whole thing reading like a dream. I loved how you kept using "she remembers," and this line - She remembers that his lips fit even more perfectly against hers than their hands fit together. The way you kept using their hands as a symbol for how they eventually get together is really cleverly done and illustrates something beautiful about their relationship.

The twist at the end was something I didn't expect - it was sad to read about Tonks using the Daydream Charm and reminiscing about the kiss, in order to cheer herself up because Remus left. And the last line was powerful because of how simply it was stated.

Great job! Thanks for sharing this. :)

oneandonlysusan November 4 2007, 22:24:53 UTC

Thank you!! I'm so glad everyone thinks it read like a dream- I tried so hard for that, and I'm glad you liked the repetition of "she remembers," because I was nervous that I had used it too often, and yet I needed it for effect.

Glad you picked up on the repetition of their hands fitting together as well :)

I'm also happy that the use of the Daydream Charm was unexpected and that it made you sad- I tried very hard to reflect the sadness of the situation and Tonks' love even through it in the prose.

Thank you so much for your lovely comments!! I really do appreciate your feedback.

calyndra November 5 2007, 02:03:58 UTC

As I was reading, I was wondering about the tense, since there was remembering, but then it seemed like it was just happening too. I was confused... until I got to the end and realized she was dreaming. Then everything fell into place and it was just perfect. Lovely, and very well written. What an excellent use of the Daydream prompt.

I think my random favorite part is the bit about Dumbledore warning her about navel lint Every Flavour beans. :)

Thank you, it was a lovely story.

oneandonlysusan November 6 2007, 04:51:09 UTC

Thank you so much!

The tense was one of the most troublesome parts of the piece, but I did mean for it to be sort of confusing (in a when is this happening? sort of a way) and then make much more sense at the end- I'm glad it did work out that way for you.

Oh, Dumbledore and navel lint- glad you liked that detail, it actually took me awhile to think of something grosser than earwax that wasn't too vulgar, lol!

Thank you for the kind review, I really do appreciate it!