Comments | merthin: Brigit's Flame July 2011 Second entry: Family Secrets

merthin

Brigit's Flame July 2011 Second entry: Family Secrets

Jul 17, 2011 15:54

"But why can't I come over ( Read more... )

Comments 9

leticiae July 17 2011, 21:33:51 UTC

Creepy! There was a definite chill in the air on that one.

What a gruesome way to die for poor Ali. She had no idea what was going to happen until it was too late. I wonder if the gargoyles that stood at the corners of the mansion were statues of family matriarchs?

Great job!

merthin July 18 2011, 10:08:15 UTC

*heh* - Thank you for the read and the kind comments. I ran short on time this week (again) and what is here is not what I had in mind. Of course, it's also about half the length, too, so 'yay' for that, anyway. ;-)

leticiae July 18 2011, 12:36:00 UTC

I think you did a fine job on this. :)

keppiehed July 18 2011, 20:02:44 UTC

Whoa! I totally didn't see that coming. I love the Gothic feel to this. What a creative take on the prompt!

merthin July 21 2011, 06:52:09 UTC

Thank you for the read and the comment. You are, as always, most kind.

osoreranai July 19 2011, 17:56:54 UTC

I kind of saw it coming, but I was thinking more vampires than anything, and Ali was going to be the birth. Instead, this took on more gruesome angle. I think it was the better angle to take.

merthin July 21 2011, 06:55:36 UTC

Thank you for the read and the comments. 'Vampires' was one of the considered options before I started writing this, so I'm not surprised you noted the flavor. - I agree, it was a bit obvious. To be honest, I ran out of time and thus cut to the chase far faster than I wanted. Still, it was at least a bit gruesome. :-) Thanks again.

esme_amelia July 20 2011, 18:37:11 UTC

I like this, though I think the final reveal could have been done a little differently. When you immediately follow the peeling back of the baby blanket with, "the abomination that awaited . . ." it feels a little author-intrusive too soon. I myself would have cut out that phrase and just shown her screaming as soon as she pulled the blanket back.

Still a good piece, though.

merthin July 21 2011, 06:58:06 UTC

Thank you for reading and commenting. I agree. The reveal wasn't terribly good. Alas, for the lack of time in a busy person's life... (I know, excuses, excuses. ;-) Thanks again. The concrit is appreciated.