Brigit's Flame January 2011 Fourth entry: Nirvana

[merthin]

Death has lost Its sting

Comments

[belluminabyssus]

I really enjoyed this poem. The refrain was very nice, and the poem as a whole had a lovely rhythm and sound to it.

My one critique is about the third stanza -- compared to the rest of the piece it feels a little dull and a little clunky. "Can you see how neutral I am now?" doesn't work very well rhythmically, and in two lines you use the word "balance" twice, which is a tad jarring. Otherwise, though, this poem was very well-done, and the first stanza in particular was wonderfully written.

Thanks.

[merthin]

Thank you for reading and commenting. :-)

[pyre006]

this poem has great rhythm. i really love the beginning, your lines about the snow are gorgeous!

[merthin]

Thank you for reading and commenting. - I agree that the middle needs a bit of touch up. I'm glad you enjoyed at least a part of it. :-)

[pyre006]

i enjoyed all of it, the beginning just stuck with me the most.

[merthin]

:-) To bring enjoyment to at least one other person is all any writer can truly hope for.

[keppiehed]

This was just lovely. It makes me wonder why, has Death lost its sting. Never has ennui been crystallized so lovingly. Nice work!

[merthin]

I thank you for the read and the kind words. Unfortunately, it appears that I shot wide of my audience. You list the state of the MC as ennui. Another reader told me it sounded like the MC was "numb".

In at least one translation, Nirvana is the state of no state. Due to our actions (good and bad) we develop Karma. The more Karma we have (good or bad) the more lifetimes we must experience, the suffering (in this case, suffering is any emotional state) we must endure. Once we attain a state of no Karma, completely neutral, then and only then can we die and not go on to another life and endure more suffering.

So the reason Death has lost Its sting is because the MC doesn't fear death and doesn't fear coming back. "He" is enlightened. "He" has no Karma. It's not that "he" wants to die. "He" doesn't want anything. "He" is at complete and utter peace.

My apologies for the confusion. After re-reading it, I can definitely see how it could be construed as ennui or numbness. Oh well. Back to the drawing board for me.

[keppiehed]

Ah, I do understand! I am the one who should be saying a big "duh" and hitting my head, especially due to the fact that the prompt was "Nirvana". I thought you were using the prompt in a more ironic sense, as in, your MC shall not attain it or does not wish to. But I see where you are coming from now! It is very well described, in fact. I am actually a practicing Buddhist, and so I quite understand. Well done!

[missflyer]

I'm not used to seeing a one-line refrain in poetry, but it works well here. I like how you show the MC's neutrality by giving both sides of the coin ("Heaven has no place for me / but I don't fear the place below" for example). Well done!

[merthin]

Thank you for reading and commenting. :-) You are very kind with your statements.

[blythe025]

I really enjoyed this poem. The repetition of "Death has lost its sting" threw me off a bit at first, especially in the first stanza where it's repeated twice (though I also really like the image in the first stanza of the snow flake that will eventually die itself). But the repetition grew on me, and I found that it works to shape the poem. Though I would consider finding a way of having the phrase only appear once in the first stanza, as it's too much repetition too soon.

[merthin]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Yes, I noticed the double repetition after posting it. *heh* Oh well. Perhaps I'l do better in future. ;-)