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[meroni]

Remember that silly fic I was writing some time ago? I went and finished it. It is rushed and not proofread as I wanted to get it done quickly. Any critique is welcome because I do wish to be able to write better fics someday.

Comments

[dreamaria]

I thought this was really cute! I'm not really a writer obviously but I'll try to help.

I think you used ellipses too much. (the "...") A lot of times you could have just finished the sentence or used a comma. That's super nitpicky though.

The only other thing is that you shouldn't be afraid to be descriptive! Describe the scenery more, describe what tone of voices they use here and there.

But overall I thought this was really cute, you should write more! The dialogue was great, and Nyasu was adorable.

[meroni]

Thanks. I'll work on my description when I write more. :)

[majorika]

Everyone else already mentioned the description thing, so I wont say anymore on that. (Though I still struggle with that too.)

"Kojiro's nervousness started to get attached to her too"

Getting attached isn't really the right term to use here. "Made her uneasy" or "Started to get to her" would be better choices.

I really like how Kojiro randomly kissed her. That's the exact kind of thing I could see BW Kojiro doing.

"Silly Musashi... It should be obvious that I have fallen in love with you."

I'm not so sure about this. It seems too direct, and I'm not sure he'd call her silly in this scenario.

"The weather was cloudy, yet warm."

I like this description, but it doesn't really fit where you put it. The beginning of the scene would be a better place for it.

I really like how you wrote Nyasu. Very cute. :-)

I thought the ending where Musashi told Kojiro to shut up and kiss her was great.

So basically, keep writing. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next. :-)

[meroni]

Thanks, I'll take those into notice!

[agentmusashi]

This was a very lovely story. I think you caught the characters of the protagonist. Like the way Musashi is reacting and Nyasu was really great. I could imagine the whole scenery and it was fun to read.
I don not dare to criticise anything but there is one littel remark: It is "once in a while" not "once a while" but that is it.
Cool job and I hope you will write more FFs.

Greetings
HermioneHouse

[lilypotter37]

Awww this was so cute! You did a good job. You need to work on some grammar conventions: for example your sentences are a bit choppy here and there, and as Carly mentioned you should add more detail because some of your descriptions are vague.

And I loved the ending, so sweet and perfect.