The Hard Part | Chapter 4/5 (ish)
Title: The Hard Part (or How I Let The Boys Boil Over Now In Order To Simmer Down Later)
Chapter: 4/5 (ish)
Fandom: EastEnders
Characters: Christian Clarke, Syed Masood, Tamwar Masood, Jane Beale.
Pairings: Christian/Syed
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Up until Thursday 27th January '11
Summary: The true challenge in any relationship comes not in times of peace, but in times of conflict. Can Christian and Syed rebuild from the rubble of their first major fall out? Or has the baby issue just taken them too far?
A/N: Hello again! Sorry this is a little later than you may have been expecting (I gave all my lame, pathetic excuses in the last chapter - refer back if you want to roll your eyes again). I also had a little bit of a crisis of confidence - let's just say, I was having a not-so-good day, and everything kind of piled on top of me. As some of you will know, most of my fanfiction life has been spent in the Torchwood fandom; I have carved myself a place in that fandom, I have followers who read my work, and I have gotten used to the quite review-heavy nature of the fandom itself. So writing for this new fandom has been a complete shock - to have to re-establish myself and also get used to the fact there will be less reviews. I had a little mini breakdown and declared that the reason no one was reviewing (save a few) was because it either sucked or they weren't reading it. Which I know is not true, so please bear with me whilst I kind of snuggle down into this fandom more and get to know my bearings a little bettter.
For the record, I loved writing this chapter. Big sister/little brother dynamics are always a favourite with me, having a little brother myself who I simultaneously despise but adore; a brother I would readily kick but would happily die for. I find sibling relationships to be so satisfying and interesting, and I love Jane anyway. I just hope I've done her and her relationship with Christian justice.
Part 3: Rescue Effort | Masterlist | Part 5: Coming Soon
The Hard Part
4. Salvaging
'Sometimes love is right where you're hating most.'
~
Christmas Eve
(from the musical Avenue Q)
Jane emerged from the kitchen with two steaming mugs in her hands, the warmth of the tea radiating through the sides and into her freezing palms. She'd briefly contemplated coffee, in order to perhaps raise her brother's spirits and put him into a more - well - perky state of mind, but one glance over at his hunched frame had told her that tea would be best.
They were British, after all. The only real solution to a problem was alcohol or tea - those were the rules, the tried and tested rules that had worked fine for many years, thank you very much - and she had a not-so-sneaking suspicion that alcohol was the last thing Christian needed right now.
She cleared her throat softly as she neared the sofa, handing the mug to her brother before nudging his leg gently with her own. He complied swiftly, shuffling up to allow her room to sit down; the cushion was clutched to his chest again, like a favourite toy that had had the life squeezed out of it. A smile threatened to dance across her lips as she remembered him as a child, hugging his most precious toy into him whenever he was nervous or afraid; but she quickly knocked it away before it could manifest itself.
"Right," she took a sip from her own mug, placing her faith almost entirely in the confidence-building abilities of the warm liquid, before placing it on the floor by her feet and clapping her hands together. "Shall we go over this again? What exactly have you done?"
Christian's arms seemed to tighten briefly around the cushion, the edges bulging outwards as the pressure increased.
"I've screwed up, Jane," his voice was very quiet, his tone reminding her painfully of those months when he had longed for Syed from afar - how she had wanted to help, to reach out and reassure him, but all the while knowing that the only thing that could fix it was the impossible. "I've pushed him too far. I don't think he's coming back."
"Why?" she twisted her fingers in her lap, flashing what she hoped was a reassuringly bright smile. "Couples have problems, Christian - that's what I told Syed after you screwed up last time, remember? He forgave you then, who's to say it'll be any different this time."
He shook his head.
"You don't understand. This is different. This is big."
"What don't I understand?" she raised an eyebrow, releasing her hands so that she could cross her arms and lean towards him. "Whatever it is, you need to talk to him, sort it out. It's the only way to deal with things like this, and if he's not prepared to do that then he's really not ready for a relationship, is he? Hell, after everything that happened last year, I'd say that he owes you a few…"
"Don't, Jane," Christian closed his eyes wearily and let his head fall back onto the couch. "Not now. Not helpful."
Jane bit down on her tongue, tasting the tiniest metallic hint as she swallowed it back.
"Okay. I won't mention that. At least, I'll try not to," she held up her hands as Christian shot her a glare that burned straight through her. "Alright, I definitely won't! I promise! Now," she bent to pick up her mug, tipping it to her lips. "- when you say big, what kind of big are we talking about? I mean, whatever it is, you're strong together - whatever it is, it can't be so bad that…"
"I might have got Roxy pregnant."
Jane inhaled hot tea rather than air, the liquid burning her throat and causing her to splutter. A hard hand rested on her back, thumping a few times as the lack of oxygen brought tears to her eyes; a few more well aimed thumps and she had dispelled the tea from her lungs, her eyes brimming with confusion as she looked incredulously at Christian's passive gaze.
"You did what? I mean, that's not possible…you…you've always been…Roxy…seriously, I…"
"You don't need to worry," he tilted his head to a look at her, a smile that carried absolutely no humour twitching at his mouth. "I haven't turned straight all of a sudden. She said she'd be a surrogate for us, so it was more test tubes and turkey basters than passion and romance."
Jane could feel her mouth hanging open - it wasn't a particularly attractive look, but she made no moves to lift her jaw.
"You were planning on…hang on…have I missed something quite important here?" she took another, more cautious mouthful of tea, gulping it down as if it were some form of sedative. "You and Syed, you were…you were trying for a baby?"
The forced humour and nonchalance seemed to melt away from Christian's eyes, his whole face sagging slightly as he loosened his grip dejectedly on the abused cushion. For a moment, Jane was shocked by how old he looked; that intolerably annoying youthfulness had seemed to flee, leaving him looking tired and down-trodden and…and middle aged.
When did that happen?
"I thought we were," he swallowed gently, his voice so quiet that Jane had to lean in to hear him. "I thought that…he was so excited, Jane, he was so happy, when he thought that Amira was pregnant. He wanted that more than he wanted me, more than he wanted us; to be a dad, that was all he wanted. So, I thought that…"
"You thought it would be okay," it wasn't a question, more a statement of fact as Jane heard Christian beginning to stumble over his words. "And, I'm guessing from all this that it wasn't okay?"
Christian hung his head, his eyes sliding closed as he remained silent - save for the loud sigh that huffed, unbidden, between his lips.
"Christian…"
"What does it matter, Jane?" he thumped a hand down on the cushion on his stomach, his neck jerking upright so that he could look just past her shoulder; but not at her, not yet. "I screwed up. I thought he wanted a kid. So I ploughed straight in there, only it turns out he doesn't want a kid after all. No, goes against his whole religion, apparently, just like him and me and he's never really forgiven me for that, you realise? But he didn't feel like telling me this until after Roxy'd got jiggy with a turkey baster, now Roxy might be pregnant with my child and I've lost him. He's gone, Jane. I don't need you to fix it; I need you to make me feel better."
He lifted the mug violently to his lips, taking a great gulp before his face contorted in disgust.
"And I could really have done with something stronger, you know?" slamming the mug down on the floor he made to get to his feet, only for strong fingers to close around his wrist and yank him back down. He turned with the force of it, finding himself staring into the eyes of his sister; the eyes that were now spitting the kind of fire that only a big sister can inflict on a younger brother.
"You," she jabbed him in the chest. "are not giving up on this, Christian. You are not just falling at the first hurdle. Not after everything you went through to get him, I mean...God! We all screw up, Christian, that's part of being in a relationship. It's not about the easy bits; its about the hard parts. And you can get through this. We make mistakes; we move on from it…I mean, look at me."
Christian rolled his eyes, but he didn't pull away - Jane saw this as a good sign.
"You almost slept with another man - you didn't impregnate your best friend without checking that your boyfriend was happy with the plan first."
Jane paused for a second, her brow furrowing before she nodded.
"No, I didn't. You're right. But I have screwed up big time, more than once, and if you keep clinging to what you've done rather than what you can do - well, you'll always be going backwards. You can't live your life in reverse. You've got to live for the future."
Her face softened slightly as she reached forward, placing her hand on Christian's shoulder and rubbing her thumb in small circles.
"And I really wouldn't mind becoming an Aunty."
Christian looked at her then, really looked at her; his eyes took on a watery sheen, his jaw-line tightening as he flashed her the thinnest smile she had seen in a long time.
"I know," he was speaking as though he was underwater, the slight gurgling sound seeping through as he fought against the lump in his throat. "I just wanted to be a family, Jane. I wanted to give him what he thought he was giving up when he chose me."
He stopped suddenly, closing his eyes and leaning into his sister's touch as a single tear gathered at the corner of his eye. His mouth seemed to grow impossibly tight, his whole jaw shaking slightly with the effort of holding back what was lurking just beneath the surface.
"No," he shook his head, the motion knocking the tear away from his eyelash so that it slithered down his cheek. "It wasn't for him. It was for me. I wanted a family with him, Jane, is that really such a terrible thing for me to want?"
"Of course it's not," she dropped her hand from his shoulder to she could grab for his hand. "But you've got to give him time. Not that I ever thought I'd defend him, especially after…well, you know…but this is like a whole new world for him. He might come 'round, eventually."
There was an intake of breath as Christian's mouth distorted slightly, his lips curling inwards over his teeth as if he could push everything back down his throat. His fingers tightened around Jane's hand, grasping onto them for comfort just like he had when he was a child. They'd always been there for each other, and it broke her heart - and Christian's as well, she knew that - to think they'd wasted so many years when they'd needed each other the most.
"He blames me, you know."
"For what? Getting Roxy pregnant?"
"No," his eyes flashed. "And she's not pregnant. Not yet. At least, not as far as we know."
Jane frowned.
"What does he blame you for, Christian?"
"Everything," he whispered, shaking his head as he did so. "For getting him to the point where he went against his faith; for taking him away from his family; for isolating him; just, generally, everything that could wrong is my fault. S'how he makes me feel sometimes. He gave up everything for me, Jane - he gave up his whole life, and I am never going to be perfect enough to match up to that."
An almost silent sob cut at his throat as he took in a breath.
"I can't make it better for him. I'll always make it worse. I can't fix it."
Jane could feel a lump forming in her own throat; Christian's pain just rolled off him, like a vapour dancing in the air and forcing its way into her lungs. She gripped his hand, the force of her fingers pushing it down into the fabric of the sofa.
"He doesn't want you to be perfect. He wants you to try."
"I don't know why I ever thought it was going to work. We're like…complete opposites. Completely different cultures and faith and religion and morals and…he still sees this as wrong. That hurts; it hurts so much more than it did before because at least then I knew that was how he felt. But now we're together and he still…"
"Hey," Jane pulled him forward as his face crumpled, wrapping her arms around him and shushing him like a child as he sobbed into her shoulder. A large part of her, the part of her that was big sister and nothing else, wanted to march over to Syed (wherever he was) and make sure he had enough scars to remind him never to hurt her brother again. But then there was the other part; the part that was less big sister and more woman of the world; and that part knew that she couldn't blame Syed anymore than she could blame Christian.
They were like stags butting antlers; so similar that they clashed, as if somehow the extremes of their difference made them the same. They were both intrigued by the other, eager to know - just as likely as the other to scratch at just the wrong bit in the quest to discover each other.
"He's just angry," she rubbed the palm of her hand across his shivering shoulders. "He loves you. Whatever he says or does or however bad it gets between you, don't ever think that he doesn't. Even when he was treating you in…that way…you could see that he loved you. He doesn't think you're wrong, he just…he just needs someone to blame. And he can't let it all out at his parents if they won't talk to him, so you're the nearest he can get to."
Her shoulder was wet with his tears, the warm dampness seeping through her clothes and onto her skin.
"Just give him time," she said again, pulling back as she felt his sobs beginning to recede; she reached out to wipe away his tears with her thumbs. "And pull yourself together, you drama queen; you're reinforcing a stereotype, and I will not be putting up with that."
He laughed at that. Properly laughed, however husky the breath sounded against his windpipe. She was reminded, not for the first time, just how much she enjoyed seeing him smile.
"But, Roxy…"
"…might not be pregnant," she straightened the front of his crumpled top, pulling it down at the sides where it had bunched beneath his armpits. "And, if she is - which is unlikely - you'll deal with it. You're a couple. You're in a relationship. And that's what you learn to do. You just haven't figured it out yet; it takes practice, but we all get there in the end."
Christian raised a hand, pressing his fingers against the corner of his eye as if to scoop out the last remnants of the tears.
"I don't know how to do this."
"Well…" she pulled back and tried to inject some sort of wisdom into her voice. "You just have to try. You've got the anger and the frustration out of the way, and that's a very good start, however crap it might feel at the minute. Means you can actually talk about it without ripping each other's throats out. Because you love each other. And love's a very…well…uncertain and emotional thing. It can get you into the worst rows you've ever been in, but then it can get you out again."
Christian seemed to consider this for a few minutes, the shiny film over his eyes beginning to dissipate slightly. He reached out for her hand again, threading their fingers together and squeezing down tightly.
"Can I tell you something?"
She nodded gently, the gesture prompting him to loosen his tightening grip so their palms were just pressed together.
"There were times…" he swallowed hard, looking over her shoulder as if he wasn't quite sure how to meet her gaze. "When I wasn't sure whether I loved him or hated him. Sometimes it felt like I loved him so much that I had to hate him as well. And, there were these times…I loved him so much it felt like I could just reach out, and put my hands around his neck… just kill him there and then, because at least then he could never walk out of that door again."
"And there were times when I wanted you to do that," the voice cut through Christian's shaky breath, snapping the two siblings out of their reverie and forcing their gazes towards the door. "Because then I wouldn't have to leave. Because I never wanted to. Because I always wanted to be with you. Because…"
Syed stopped, his fists tightening around the keys in his hand as his gaze focused on the ground. Christian wanted more than anything to jump and pull him into a hug, to tug him as close as he possibly could, but he felt rooted to the couch. His hand seemed to be melded with Jane's fingers as his grip suddenly tightened, causing a hiss to escape from her lips.
Eventually the younger man looked up, catching Christian's gaze for a brief second before dropping his eyes to the side.
"Because I love you. And I don't…I don't want to lose that. Ever again."
Christian's tongue seemed to loosen suddenly, a torrent of letters and syllables and sounds flooding to the back of his throat.
"Syed…I…" too many to put together, each one blocking the others as it fought to escape. "I don't want to…I mean…I…"
"Well, then," Jane patted Christian's knee, sending a glance in both of their directions before hauling herself up from the couch. "I'd better be off. You boys make sure you sort this out…or you'll have me to deal with."
With that she grabbed her coat from the arm of the chair, pulling it on and smiling reassuringly as she exited the flat and shut the door behind her.
And then there was silence. The two men averted their gazes, neither of them quite sure what to do beyond the initial 'I love you! Don't leave me!' of a few seconds before.
There was one thing they both shared at that point; one thought that ran constant between them.
Now what?
TBC...
Part 3: Rescue Effort | Masterlist | Part 5: Coming Soon
Thank you for reading!
Only one more to go and then maybe an epilogue. Will the boys work it out? Will they come out the other side stronger? You'll have to wait and see! Remember, if you have any suggestions or comments or criticism, I would love to hear them!