contest

[mer_elizabeth]

Hey guys. This is being posted for a contest I'm doing in a community, so feel free to ignore if you don't care :)

The word count is a tad longer than requested (3400 words) but it's a fast read I promise.

The topic is UNITY, and this story has strong ties to the concept of unity between friends and how far that can take you.

Enjoy and please feel

Comments

[innana88]

Wow. Interesting concept and very well-written. Have you ever had anyone with whom you could communicate without speaking? I can with my sister, but not without seeing her, but I had a friend in high school with whom I could communicate silently on a level that freaked us both out. We'd forget we hadn't spoken and then I'd answer him aloud. It weirded our other friends out quite a bit. He'd have dreams about things that I hadn't told him were going on with me. Crazy, eh?

Anyway, nice work and good luck!

[insolentscrawl]

I really like this story. It's an awesome concept and you had me hooked from the start. The one suggestion i might make is the use of passive voice at the beginning, especially. However, overall, I really enjoyed this story. It's an interesting take on Unity.

Well done!

[intermezzo_poet]

I LOVE how real this felt. The dialogue, the personalities, everything--there was a realistic depth to the entire piece.

My favorite part was when they first discovered he could hear his thoughts... you really drew the reader in, made it believable, relatable.

Nice work. :)

Edit

[triplescorpio]

I'm one of your editors this week, doing them a little late as you can see.

I like your story very much, especially since it had such an unusual use of the prompt. The characters were believeable and grounded the surreal quality of the "mind unity."

There were a few grammatical errors:
In the 3rd paragraph "act" should be in the past tense: acted
"The small office was crowded with the now four people in it" has an awkward feel. Try putting the "now" between people and in.
"amuck" is correctly spelled "amok"
in the last paragraph before the next section, you can eliminate the first "knew" - the sentence reads the same and doesn't sound as repetetive
"rare-breed" is actually two words, no hyphen

What I think you do very well is write dialogue. It sounds real and believable, not stilted. And your use of the dialogue furthers the movement of the plot nicely.

Overall, I think you did a great job of developing characters and crafting dialouge within an interesting story concept. Good job.

I'M SO SORRY

[ofshootingstars]

Hi, I'm one of you editors. I'm sooo sorry about how late this is. Last week was so crazy with exams and everything.

I really like this. No, I love this. This piece was very well-written, and very unique. I'm wondering whether you're going to continue... because it seems like there could be more. If there is, then I'd love to read it. :D

Other than the grammatical errors that your other editor has found, there're two little things that I also want to mention.
“I’ve been having…,” He stopped and looked at his feet, “You’re gonna think I’m crazy.”
after '...' you don't need a comma. :D
If you want to stress/emphasize a word, it's better to italicize and not underline.

Very, very well done.