Mensa AU Fic Exchange: "Just Rodney" for wanderingwidget (2/2)
Title: Just Rodney
Author: losyark
Pairings: Sumner/Sheppard; McShep
Setting: MENSA-verse
Rating: NC-17 for language and sexual situations (but no graphic non-con!) and Sheppard!whump
Genre: Angst
Wordcount: 14 300+
Recipient: wanderingwidget
Part One
***
Part Two
Sheppard perches silent and white on the edge of his worktop.
His hands are fisted around the edges and Rod stands stiff beside the closed door, horrified and ashamed.
"At first," Sheppard says slowly, softly, "I thought it was you."
Rod chews on his bottom lip and forces himself to listen instead of trying to make excuses.
"You're always so ... happy," Sheppard says, letting out a shuddering breath. "But you went-tense all over, and your face changed, and your eyes..." Sheppard flicks his own eyes up, then back down hastily, as if afraid of what he'd see. "He was angry. He... he... with his hands... then he said his name was Meredith and that I ... I liked the kiss when I thought it was you."
Sheppard grabs the side of his head and shivers.
"I'm sorry," Rod says, miserably. "I thought he would only kill the Wraith, I didn't think he'd-"
"What are you?" Sheppard snaps. His hand is hovering at his radio, ready to call for help, to scream. "Are you an alien too?"
"No, no!" Rod says hastily. "Nothing like that-just plain old simple, run of the mill Earth style multiple personality disorder."
Sheppard frowns, dropping his hands to his lap again. "Schizophrenia? You?"
"It's not the same thing!"
"But you're still crazy. And they let you on the Expedition?"
"They didn't know. I had it under control the whole time I was at the SGC." Rod is about to say more when he is paged by Weir.
"Doctor McKay?" she says over the headset. Rod resists the urge to cuss and taps his earpiece.
"Yes, Elizabeth?" he says, forcing his voice smooth and pleasant.
"We need you in the meeting room immediately. Do you know where Dr. Sheppard is? We need him too."
"He's here," Rod says. "We'll be right along."
"Thanks," Weir says, then clicks off.
***
The storm comes fast and furious and with it the Genii. Ford and his team had run afoul of them while Rod's team had been on mandatory stand-down to give Sheppard time to get his head together.
Teyla had been traveling with Ford's team, eager to see her childhood friend Sora again, and she had been just as surprised as the others when they found the secret bunker. Rod's read the files, of course, but the files hadn't prepared him for the ferocity of Acastus Kolya.
Rod comes up with the brilliant plan to use the storm's electricity to boost Atlantis' shields, and as such, everyone has to flee to the Apha Site to avoid getting electrocuted when the city's hallways became giant superconductors.
Rod himself stays behind to operate the equipment. Rod is reluctant to send Sheppard back into the arms of a man who'll probably beat the shit out of him once he is there. So Rod tells Grodin that only Sheppard can remain behind to help.
When the city is cleared of all but them, Sheppard turns to look at Rod and says, "Will Meredith...?"
"No," Rod says firmly. "I won't let him."
Sheppard nods, and something in Rod twists up to see the way Sheppard trusts him. "Okay," Sheppard says. "First grounding station. I'm on it." He turns and straightens his back, grabs his tools and begins to jog. With Sumner gone, Sheppard has regained some of his body mass, converting as much of it as possibly to muscle by running with Beckett every morning and working at the bantos with Teyla.
Sheppard wants to stay on Rod's team, wants to contribute to the city; Rod sees the desperation there, the need to actually live up to the boasts he uses to keep people away, keep them from seeing how much he's been hurting. Sheppard doesn't know that he's already lived up to his ego by using his intelligence to save the Expedition a dozen times over-from nanoviruses, from energy-consuming clouds, from themselves.
Sheppard doesn't count it heroism if it's not physical; Rod will show him he's wrong one day.
For now, Rod is not going to let Sheppard's hard work go to waste. As soon as Parrish declares him fit, they'll all be back out there, defeating Wraith, finding tech, and saving the universe. Beckett, Teyla, Sheppard, and Rod.
And Meredith.
Rod shakes his head and grabs his own tools and heads up the stairs, towards the transporter that will take him to grounding stations three and four. And that's when the Stargate whirls to life and divulges the Genii, come to take the city while it's empty.
There are too many of them for Rod to take on alone, and he has no gun right now. Meredith pushes for release and Rod shoves him back, away. "No," he whispers to himself, slinking back into the shadows, though whether it is a denial to Meredith or to the Genii he isn't sure.
Acting quickly, Rod punches in the code to lock down the city's control from anyone but himself. Then, feeling malicious, he enters the command for the 'Gate's shields, and feels Meredith smirk with his mouth when the bodies begin to slam against the force field. Shots are fired and Rod drops his tools and runs.
"Find him!" screeches Kolya. "Spread out, capture the rest, but bring me that one dead!„
***
Rod has the good sense to detour to the armory, then hide in the air vents of the city, but Sheppard is cornered in the grounding station, fighting with the equipment to make sure everything is ready for the storm. God, the storm.
It feels like it's raging inside of Rod right now. What is he supposed to do? Go to the grounding stations, make sure the shield generators are his top priority? Or go after Kolya and his men? Or is he supposed to go and protect Sheppard, Sheppard who, by now, has to have been captured, has to-
The scream that echoes suddenly over the headset is unmistakably Sheppard's.
It is followed up by Kolya's voice. "We have your man," he says. "I've just cut open his pretty little arm. He's got such nice hands, and he's so good with them-I bet I could cut all the tendons to his fingers without damaging his wrist. Do you think I can? I might try."
Rod, finger jammed against his earpiece furiously, spits "What do you want, Kolya?"
"I want the key to the city. You've locked us out."
"Observant," Rod says.
"I want the key."
"It's not your city."
"It's not yours either, you imposter Ancients!"
Rod clenches his teeth and takes a deep breath, denying the wash of red that bubbles so close, so close. No, no, never again. He promised.
There is a pause, and then Kolya asks, "How many of you are in the city?"
"Hundreds."
Sheppard screams again. Rodney closes his eyes and counts to ten.
"How many?"
"Just us two."
"Only two?" Kolya asks. "Where is everyone else? Where is Dr. Grodin?"
"I went crazy and killed them," Rod says. "Keep this up and I'll kill you too."
"You can't," Kolya says. "Not before I kill your friend."
Rod doesn't want to-he doesn't want to let Meredith take over, but his walls and mazes are still flimsy and Meredith breaks through them like kindling. Meredith will not let Kolya hurt Sheppard. Just before the black wells up, Rod hears himself say: "You wanna make that a bet?"
***
Rod comes back to himself with his tongue in Sheppard's mouth.
"Oh, fuck," he says, and pulls away quickly. He rocks back on his heels, and Sheppard scrambles backwards, half crawling up the wall.
"No, no!" he says. "No!"
"Sheppard!" Rod yells, reaches out to soothe the panicked man and stops when he realizes his own arms are red up to the elbows.
Rod feels the distinct urge to puke.
Oh, god. What has Meredith done?
All that is left of the Genii, and Kolya, is a red smear that leads towards the balcony and out into the ocean.
"Sheppard, I-"
"The shields, the shields!" Sheppard yells, panicked, eyes darting from the door and back to Rod and the door again. He clutches his own bleeding arm, cradling it close.
Rod glances at his watch.
"Fuck," he says again. He's lost nearly an hour this time, way more than Meredith usually takes. His head is pounding and his lips still tingle and Rod thinks that being sick would really feel, honestly, just fantastic, but he heaves himself to his feet and with one last guilty glance at Sheppard, Sheppard's pale face and dark mouth and bleeding arm, he bolts to secure the last of the grounding stations.
He is not a moment too soon-the lightning strikes almost at the same time as Rod is slamming down the last lever. The charge of it sends him careening across the floor, hands smoking. The shield goes up just a millimeter faster than an approaching tsunami and Atlantis is saved.
Atlantis, but any and every chance Rod ever had with Sheppard-their friendship, their camaraderie, and Rod's unreturned feelings-is destroyed.
They dial the Alpha site, tell everyone to come home, and they do. Grodin leaves a furious Sumner behind with a new set of grunts to boss around, and orders Sheppard, with his stupid home-made bandage, and Rod to the infirmary.
Sheppard refuses to be in the same room with Rod, even in the infirmary when Rod's burnt hands and Sheppard's wounded arm are treated.
It becomes clear in the next few days that Sheppard isn't willing to ever be in the same place at the same time as Rod ever again. Rod feels like he's betrayed Sheppard, and in a way he has. There has to have been a way to get rid of the Genii that hadn't involved slaughter and pseudo rape, but Rod isn't sure he could have thought something up without Meredith. Rod feels horrible, and guilty. Worst of all, Rod feels like Sumner.
Rod has no choice but to transfer Sheppard to another team and take on Kavanaugh, who though very pleasant and soft spoken, is as dumb as a brick and, in Beckett's words, "Slow as a motherfucking sheep!"
Rod misses Sheppard's mouthing off, his zingers, the way he twists his hair into little spikes when he is deep in concentration. Rod misses Sheppard and their bickering. Their budding friendship. And there is no way he can apologize to Sheppard, because Sheppard is scared of Meredith, and there is nothing Rod can do to protect Sheppard from himself.
Rod isn't usually given to fits of despair, but he lets himself have one, every now and again, for a few minutes in the bath.
***
Weeks pass, and then the Wraith are coming. The Expedition sends mission reports and technical specs and letters home, and then the Daedalus arrives. All the personnel who cannot fight are sent to the Alpha Site. All those who can are fetched from it.
Sheppard cannot go, and refuses the offer anyway. He's needed in the Chair. Beckett is good, but his ATA is not as strong as Sheppard's, and that is that. They need quick responses from the city, and Sheppard, as he very loudly likes to remind people as often as possible, can give them that.
But bringing back all the able bodied fighters from the Alpha Site means the return of Sumner. Rod does everything he can to keep Sumner too busy reinforcing railguns and double checking stability sensors to go after Sheppard, but Rod was only human and one man. Beckett is giving the marines from the Daedalus Wraith 101, and Teyla is with her people. When Rod sees Sheppard in the mess the morning the siege is due to start, Sheppard has a dark red welt forming around his eye.
"Christ, John," Rod says, dropping his tea cup and reaching out to examine what promises to be a spectacular shiner.
"Don't touch me!" Sheppard snarls with such furious venom that Rod actually takes a step back.
"Can you-can you still...?"
"I can operate the Chair fine," Sheppard snaps. He turns on his heel, leaving his half-eaten breakfast on the table, and marches straight to the Chair room and stays there until the Wraith are on them.
The fight is vicious. Rod, trained as well as any marine in combat, fights with vigor, but there are just too many of them, too few humans. Sheppard is a miracle with well aimed drones, but he has to get out of the chair to repair or boost its power so often that his scores are few and far between.
As Rod is running along a balcony, intent on getting to a ruptured power conduit that needs his attention, he nearly runs right into the back of Sumner. A Wraith soldier has him by the throat, the feeding hand pressed against Sumner's chest. They haven't been at it for long; Sumner looks only a few years older.
"Help me!" Sumner croaks, and his voice gets reedier by the syllable.
Rod could save the man easily. He can raise his gun and shoot the Wraith. He can hack at its arm with his knife.
Instead, Rod lets Meredith grin with his mouth and say, "This is what you get for hurting John."
Sumner's eyes go wide, his mouth open but his lips shriveled against his teeth, stealing his words, what promised to be his last curse. Rod lifts his gun and shoots three times into the Wraith's heart.
Meredith re-aims and shoots what's left of Sumner between the eyes.
***
In later reports, Rod calls in a pity kill, says that their bodies fell over the railing instead of being pushed. Rod hates himself for lying, hates himself even more for making the tension slide out of Sheppard's face with the lie. Sheppard goes back to being his usual obnoxious self, and Rod...
Rod has to get away.
Meredith is quiet, too quiet, and it scares Rod.
This is the first time Meredith-Rod-has killed a human, someone that Rod considers a human (the Genii he placated himself with the memory that that they were trying to kill him first), and it terrifies Rod that Meredith has gone so dormant afterwards.
Meredith has never been this complacent, this... willing to let Rod lead. Not since the beginning.
The Daedalus informs Atlantis about the spare ZedPM that the SGC has uncovered among the possessions of the late Doctor Catherine Langford, whose father had discovered the Stargate in Giza, and now the Expedition has a way to get back and forth from Earth whenever they like.
Rod takes time off and goes to visit his sister for a month. He puts Kavanaugh in charge of the labs and trusts Grodin not to make too much of a mess of the Pegasus Galaxy while he is gone. In Vancouver, Rod spends the long hours that Kaleb is at work and Jeannie is tutoring to meditate, and practice with the bantos, to teach Maddie and Robbie 'chopsticks' on the piano, to read his godchildren stories, and help Bradly learn how to walk.
Jeannie doesn't know about Meredith. Rod has no idea how to tell his beloved sister that the space vampires have made him go crazy and nearly rape the man that he was, yeah, okay, pretty much head over heels in love with, and so Rod lets her bake him cookies and make pots of tea and talk about the inane grad students she thinks Rod has gotten himself all worked up over. Jeannie and Kaleb's home is warm and safe and peaceful, and Meredith sinks further down, lying not so close to the surface, and eventually the nightmares and the prodding from his alter self cease.
Rod's mental barriers are back, not as strong as before the Wraith Queen smashed through them, but no longer matchstick flimsy.
When Rod returns to Atlantis, feeling refreshed and rested, if not any more emotionally at peace, it is to find that Sheppard has somehow adopted a caveman. A caveman that likes to beat people-including Rod when he takes him up on an ill-informed wager-when they spar. Then there is a giant hole in time and space ripping through the fabric of the universe right over their heads.
The decision to send someone across the matter bridge is a hasty one. Somehow, in the month Sumner has been dead and Rod (or rather, Meredith) has been absent, Sheppard has grown a spine. Or maybe the spine had already been there, but had been buried beneath too many layers of bravado and hurt for Rod to see.
It makes Rod fall in love all over again to hear Sheppard offer to be the one to go. But while the thought life without Sheppard hurts in all the wrong ways, seeing Sheppard happy here without Meredith hurts only marginally less, so Rod rigs the straw-draw to make sure that he is the one to go. He knows full well he can never come back.
Strangely, he's okay with that.
Zelenka sets up the personal shield, and Sheppard flies him up into the upper atmosphere, as close to the rift as they dared to take the Twinkie (Ford is still officially banned from ever naming anything ever again).
When they get there, Sheppard sits very, very still in the pilot's seat, knuckles white on the controls.
"Look, before I go," Rod starts, but Sheppard cuts him off with a grunt.
"I don't want excuses," Sheppard says. "You promised me you had him under control. And then he wasn't. I can't ever trust you again, Rod." He lifts one shaking hand to push his glasses back up his nose.
"I know," Rod says. "I wasn't asking you to. I just...want to tell you that I'm sorry. If it was... if it was just me, just me here I'd... I want to kiss you so bad." Rod's voice dries up. Before he can do anything he'll regret, before he can say anything more, he takes a running leap out of the back of the Twinkie and straight at the rift and for a small, absurd second, hopes that it won't work.
***
Only it does work, of course, and Rod finds himself putting on his genial diplomat face and talking to a very confused Zelenka in Science blues. This is Rod's new life-a world where Zelenka is a geek and Weir is a hardass, and he is a bit of a... well, a Sheppard.
Rod is genuinely delighted to see Jeannie and Rodney working together in Atlantis, until he realizes that his alter ego is a complete and utter jerk. It has been four years-four years! - since Rodney has talked to his own Jeannie and if it wasn't so dangerous, Rod would have been tempted to loose Meredith on the asshole.
Of course, there is no way to now, not without alerting Doctor Beckett (and he was so friendly, he actually smiled, it was scary) that Rod is just a tiny bit unstable. Rod has to play nice, to play sane and reliable, or else they may not believe his story and everything that he loves in his own universe-Jeannie and Kaleb, Maddie and Robbie and little Bradly, his cat and his teammates and Sheppard-will cease to be.
Only when Rodney and Rod have agreed that the experiment has to be shut down and Beckett has determined that it was safe for Rod to wander Atlantis (there was no danger of cascade failure because the Beckett here has invented a means of delivering the ATA gene to those not born with it-something Rod's Laura is still working on - and thus Rod and Rodney are essentially two different people) does Rod get introduced to the military commander of the base.
Sheppard.
When Lt. Col. John Sheppard slouches into the infirmary, all loose limbs and surfer-boy cool, Rod actually rocks back on his heels and gasps.
"John?" he can't help himself from saying. This is Jonathan Sheppard? What John Sheppard might have been if he had fallen in love with planes instead of maths? If he had more confidence and less defensiveness?
If he had only been loved properly?
It makes Rod want to turn away. It makes him want to hide his face in his hands. It makes him want to weep.
This John Sheppard is everything Rod's John should be and can't be because Meredith had... no, Sumner first, but Meredith still...
Rod sways and sits heavily on the side of the hospital bed.
Lt. Col. Sheppard stops up short and rubs the back of his neck and says: "This is uncanny. You alright doc?" and his accent is inflected with all the regional American-ness that Doctor Sheppard has viciously rubbed out of his own voice.
"I, uh... just a little..."
Sheppard smiles, a brilliant, wide smile. A real one. Rod blinks and feels like he's been hit by a transport truck. "My McKay's got hypocalcaemia. When was the last time you ate?"
"Uh," Rod says, because he doesn't actually remember and is too blown away by the possessive pronoun-MY McKay-to actually do the math.
"S'alright," Sheppard drawls. "We'll swing by the mess and get you a sandwich on the way to your new quarters. Elizabeth-Dr. Weir, that is-said you can stay."
"Yeah, okay," Rod says, because what else can he do? He rises to his feet slowly, feeling like a cement oaf next to this Sheppard's graceful movements, and follows him out the door and down the hall.
"Any dietary restrictions we should know about? Or is it just the allergy to citrus?"
"Citrus?" Rod repeated. "Your-" your! "McKay is allergic to lemons?"
Sheppard just flashes him one of those brilliant grins again and says, "Yeah. You're not? Huh... I wonder what else is different. Say, do you play golf?"
***
It is a shameless, shameless ploy, and Rod embarrasses himself by using it, but he has to, he has to see, to taste, to feel and know what he is missing, what he has thoroughly fucked up with his own Sheppard. Rod is not very good at resisting temptation lately.
"Here, now, I can help you with that hook," he says, coming up behind Lt. Col. Sheppard deliberately, slowly, and reaching around his warm body to adjust the colonel's grip on the club.
Sheppard goes still in his embrace, and Rod takes this as an invitation to skim his hands up Sheppard's arms, splay his fingers across the firm chest, bury his nose in the back of Sheppard's hair.
"McKay," Sheppard says, voice cracking on the last syllable. "Rod."
"Do you do this with him?" Rod asks softly, mouthing the words against the back of Sheppard's neck. "Do you let him touch you like this?"
Sheppard jams an elbow into Rod's solar plexus. Rod doubles over, woofing out his breath. Sheppard slams his golf club hard into his caddy bag, grabs the handle and stalks away.
Rod doesn't really blame him.
***
Working with Rodney is shaming beyond belief. This version of Rod is sparklingly brilliant, smart the way that Doctor Sheppard is smart, in a way that Rod has never been because Rod has always played it so safe with his theories. Rod made friends in academia. Rod is smart, but he is reliable. Rodney is smart, but he is creative. Rodney's had death threats from faculty. He leaps from one conclusion to the next, so fast that Rod is barely able to keep up with him.
When the work day ends and Rod is released to go back to his quarters and sleep, Rod gets there only to find Rodney in his room.
"What are you doing here?" Rod asks him, and at the same time, Rodney asks the same. It is a goose-bump inducing moment of stereo.
Belatedly, Rod realizes that he has not in fact gone to his new quarters, but to the place where his were in his old reality. Rod assumes Rodney's this close to the mess because he likes food.
"Sorry," he says softly. "I... forgot. Sorry to have bothered you, Doctor McKay," he repeats with more polite cheer than he actually feels, and turns to walk back out the door.
"Why do you do that?" Rodney asks, and Rod stops, hand halfway to the sensor pad.
"Do what?" Rod asks, turning back around to face his doppelganger.
"Apologize," Rodney explains with an eye roll that clearly communicates his thoughts on that. "For everything. You're such a doormat."
Rod feels the red flash behind his eyes and reins it in. "Why are you the way you are? Why are you such an asshole?"
Rodney's face goes white, then puce. "At least I tell people what I really think!"
"You're an obnoxious jerk!"
"You're a fake!"
The words hit Rod like a punch in the gut. He covers his face with his hands and mutters, "Oh, god, I am."
"You're a-!" Rodney begins, ready to hurl another insult, and then pauses to process what Rod has actually said. "You are?"
Rod nods, miserable. "It's all a façade. A fucking mask."
"I... it is?" Rodney begins to fidget, distinctly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has turned. "How?"
"Meredith."
"Oh, god, is that your first name, too?" Rodney squawks, "Our parents were sadistic!"
"Your first name?" Rod repeats, hands dropping away, flabbergasted. "No, Meredith is... is..." he stops and really thinks about what he had been about to say. It sounds stupid even to him.
"Is, is, is what?" Rodney snaps impatiently.
Rod heaves a sigh. "Our split personality."
Rodney's mouth curves down in a cartoonish scowl, and Rod sees for the first time why people giggle at him when he frowns.
"Split personality?"
"Never mind," Rod says, turning back to the door, "Forget I said anything."
"I had one," Rodney says, again making Rod pause and face him. "When I was young-like, thirteen. But I... it wasn't conducive to my research so I made it go away."
"Made it just...?" Rod asks. "But how?"
Rodney shrugs. "I'm stubborn," Rodney says.
"Stubborn," Rod repeats.
Something small and warm blossoms in Rod's chest, and he's not sure, but he thinks it might be hope.
***
The next morning is goodbyes and rechecking mathematical data that hopefully will send Rod right back to the same lab in his own Atlantis and not plummeting from the planet's stratosphere out of the rift. Now that Rod has something to go home for.
"You're lucky," Rod tells Rodney softly before he leaves.
What he means to say is I'm jealous. Rodney has learned to integrate the two sides of himself, to manage his anger and not let it manage itself. Rodney has a Ronon who protects him, a Teyla who trusts him, even if she was often wrong about her own history, and a Sheppard who does not fear him.
Rodney has everything Rod wants, but can't have because of who he is.
And if Rodney can do it - sparkling, shining, Rodney could do it - then so can Rod.
He can make Meredith disappear.
***
Rod returns to his Atlantis with great fanfare. Sheppard is the only one not at the party. The Life Signs Detector says that there is only one lonely blip of a life sign in Sheppard's quarters, so that's where Rod heads.
Rod lifts a hand-his hand, not Meredith's, never again Meredith's-and waves it across the crystal panel. The sensor chimes, and from inside, Rod can hear Sheppard's perpetually unlaced boots clonking towards the door.
"Who is it?" he asks from the other side, and it tears Rod up to imagine Sheppard with his shoulders curled inwards, his mouth in a tight line, too scared to invite people into his home without checking who they are first.
"It's..." Rod begins, then stops. He isn't sure how to answer.
"Rod?" Sheppard whispers, and Rod can hear the clenched teeth. "Or Meredith?"
"Neither," Rod says. "It's Rodney."
"Rodney."
"Can I come in?" Rod asks softly. "I want to... apologize and... and explain."
The doors swoosh open, and if Atlantis is really as in tune with this Sheppard the way it is with Sheppard back in the other reality, she senses his hesitation because the swooping is little more stilted than normal. Sheppard stands very still on the other side, one hand up, still hovering over the keypad, ready to slam the door in Rod's face if he proves to be Meredith. Something in Rod's insides lurch sideways.
Sheppard's hair, that out of control over-stimulated hair, which Rod always thought was due to Sheppard's rather adorable habit of twisting it while he was working complex equations-but the other reality proved was just plain old genetics-is limp. It droops unhappily, like a scolded puppy's ears. Sheppard's face is gray, his perpetual five o'clock shadow less shadowy and more full on scruff. His mouth is a thin, tight line that matches the strain on the side of his eyes.
Rod wants to pretend that it's because Sheppard has missed him. But it's probably not.
Sheppard takes the time that Rod is using to asses him, too. Rod tries to look as genial and un-Meredith like as possible. Sheppard apparently decides that Rod looks harmless enough, and steps aside. Rod walks slowly over the threshold, and feels the door close behind him. Sheppard doesn't move away from it, and again Rod's insides lurch when he realizes that Sheppard isn't letting Rod get between him and the only method of escape. Rod gives Sheppard his space.
"John," Rod starts, then stops and licks his lips and feels like ten kinds of asshole. It's the first time he's used Sheppard's first name. He wishes it was under better circumstances.
"I won't do it," Sheppard interrupts.
Rod blinks. "Do what?"
"Whatever it is that Meredith wants, I won't do it." His hands are shaking, the lowered one a balled fist, white-knuckled beside his thigh. "I won't be his pet, and... and I won't be kept. I'm done with that kind of devil's bargain. I'm my own person and I, I won't have any one else telling me what to do. Whatever he's sent you to offer, I don't want it."
Rod is taken aback. And he is impressed-it must have taken Sheppard hours to screw up the courage to say something like that. Rod reassesses that thought-no, this Sheppard, maybe, but not the other Sheppard, not the Sheppard who is military commander of Atlantis, and Rod knows there is more of that Sheppard in John than maybe John knows himself.
"I'm not here to broker a deal for Meredith," Rod says truthfully. "I'm here to..." he sighs and runs a hand through his own over stimulated hair, feeling the puffs and whorls that indicate he's been far too stressed out lately.
"To what?"
Rod sits down on the side of Sheppard's bed without being invited. Sheppard tenses but doesn't move and doesn't say anything.
"When I was a kid," Rod starts, slowly, staring at his hands, running one finger over the deep lines in the other palm. "I was pushed. A lot. Genius son, prodigy at the piano, mathematical savant. I played Carnegie Hall when I was twelve, went to Julliard at fifteen. I did a degree in performance, and then an undergrad and concurrent Masters of mathematics at MIT at nineteen and finished in three years. I had a doctorate in astrophysics by twenty four and another in engineering by twenty seven."
"I know," says Sheppard, from his post by the door. "I read your file. So?"
"A life like that... it's like a pressure cooker. Some days, god, some days I thought I would just... just pop." Sheppard flinches, takes a step back at the sound of venom in Rod's voice. Rod screws up his eyes and ignores the burning in the back of them. "When I was eighteen, I was taking a break from my courses to do a concert tour Europe. I didn't know the language, my assistant was useless and lazy, I was frustrated and exhausted and homesick, and she made this fucking stupid joke about my stupid curly hair, and I just..."
Rod clenches his own hands on his knees.
"When I woke back up, she was on the floor. There was a broken vase and blood all around the back of her head. She's... she was in a coma for a while, and when she woke up she couldn't remember anything before our argument. Oh, they didn't think it was me, the genius pianist with his eccentric habits. It was a rabid fan, or a disgruntled hotel worker..."
Rod looks up, pleading with his eyes for Sheppard to understand. "I didn't remember, but I knew. It had to be me."
"Meredith," Sheppard says, and it isn't a question.
"Meredith," Rod agrees. "After that, when I lost my temper, I'd black out. When I came back, my place would be trashed, or the lab destroyed, or my roommate cowering in the corner. Sometimes he even left notes for me, that was the worst thing; seeing those horrible words in my own handwriting. I... I learned to control it. Or so I thought. I taught myself patience. I learned to count to ten and smile when I wanted to scream and ... fuck, I thought I had him under control."
"You didn't."
"I did!" Rod insists. "I did until... Pegasus, and, and the Wraith and ... all this scary shit that I didn't know how to deal with. I couldn't handle it, but ... but Meredith could. So I... I let him out. Just a little bit, you know? Just to get us away from the Wraith, or to beat off the crazy spear-wielding natives, or to stop Kolya from cutting you."
Sheppard touches the long, thin scar on his forearm and says nothing.
"But then, he wanted out more often. He wanted to p-play. He... I... we both like you, John. I always did, from the first time we met, I ... I liked you." Rod fights every instinct to turn to gauge Sheppard's reaction to his confession and instead stares steadfastly at the floor. "Meredith, he liked you too, but for... he wanted something else," Rod finishes lamely. "He was furious when Sumner..."
Sheppard sucks in a hitching breath, but again says nothing.
"I didn't know. I swear to god if I'd known what Sumner was doing sooner I would have... I swear I didn't know, John. I would have had him sent away immediately. I wish we could have sent him to Earth instead of just the Alpha Site."
Sheppard's posture wobbles. "You ... sent him away for me?"
"Of course!" Rod says. "You're my team. Why wouldn't I? He was hurting you. I wouldn't have even brought him to Atlantis. The black eye... And I'm sorry, oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible, horrible friend."
"But Meredith knew?" Sheppard says, and it was a question this time.
"He and I didn't always know the same things. We felt a lot of the same things, but what we each knew..."
"Meredith knows everything Rod does," Sheppard hisses. "He told me so."
It is Rod's turn to flinch.
"Why are you here Rod... Rodney?" Sheppard asks.
"To apologize," Rod admits, "I'm sorry for not helping with Sumner and I'm sorry for what Meredith did. And I'm really really sorry for not being able to control him before."
"Before?" Sheppard asks, and for the first time, drops his hand away from the keypad. "You keep talking about Meredith in the past tense."
"He's gone," Rod-Rodney says. "He will be-I have him under lock, and I'm going to go to Parrish, I'm going to get help, I promise." And it is true-Rodney hasn't felt Meredith really stir since he'd killed Sumner. Maybe Rod doesn't need Meredith anymore-maybe killing a Wraith without Meredith's help had killed Meredith too. Maybe it's just that Rod refuses to even acknowledge that there could be someone else in his mind with him. There's only one, and it's not Meredith. "Meredith will be gone, and so will Rod. There'll be no more bipolar opposites. I'll be just ... I'm just... I'm just me. Dr. Rodney McKay, arrogant, patient and ... hoping that the man that he's pretty much been in love with since the second he heard him spout multi-linear algorithms is willing to forgive him."
"You killed Sumner," Sheppard says. Rodney finally looks up at him. He is still tense, ready to flee, weight on the balls of his feet, but his hands are loose. "It wasn't a mercy kill, was it? You shot Sumner."
"Meredith killed him for what he'd done to you." Rodney doesn't see any point in lying. Not now. "It was the last thing he did."
"But Meredith is gone?"
"When I was... over there," Rodney says, side stepping the question, and both of them know what he means by 'over there', "their Rodney was... he was whole, you know? He was together. He was obnoxious and arrogant and acerbic, but he was honest and he was himself and his friends... they knew him, the real him and they loved the real him and I... I finally saw what I could be. What I should be. I knew that Rod could be strong and brave and smart and honest like that and still be loved and I... didn't need Meredith any more. I can do it alone. I can handle Pegasus alone. So I'm going to make him... go away."
Sheppard takes a tentative step closer.
"I saw what you could be, too, John," Rodney says, suddenly, desperately. Sheppard, poor, broken, miserable, brilliant Sheppard with no social skills. A John that he loved desperately for those bad social skills, his little tummy pooch, his few silver hairs, the expressive smile that Rod has seen so rarely, his dorky Drew Carrey glasses. "I saw a Sheppard that was intelligent and comfortable and ... and safe."
"Safe," Sheppard repeats, as if the concept is foreign.
"Sumner is gone. So is Meredith. It's just me, here, this new Rodney. Just us. You and me."
Sheppard closes the gap between them slowly, step by agonizing step. Rodney stands up, his knees feeling like jelly, sure that he is going to break out into a sweat or vomit or collapse any second now. He feels, for the first time since Meredith had first come to his aid at eighteen, vulnerable.
Rod is scared and there is no Meredith. It is just Rodney, left to face this alone, and he could, he can.
Sheppard reaches up. His hands are damp, his fingers still trembling. He touches the side of Rodney's face gently with the back of his hand, then with the wet palm. Rodney resists the urge to turn his face into the touch, and keeps his gaze locked with Sheppard's wide hazel eyes.
Sheppard searches his in return, and suddenly the tenseness around the corners vanishes.
"Rodney," he says. "Rodney."
"Rodney," Rodney agrees.
Sheppard licks his lips carefully, slowly. "I won't do ... I'll be hard to deal with," Sheppard says, his voice a trembling whisper. "I may not want to-"
"Anything you need," Rodney says. "I won't do anything you don't want. I can... I'll wait. I'll wait forever if I have to. Just-"
"I won't forgive you," Sheppard-no, John - says.
Rodney feels the bottom of his stomach fall out.
"You didn't do it. It was him and he's gone. So there's no point in apologizing to you."
Rodney's stomach sweeps back up and into his throat. "Yeah, okay," Rodney mumbles, too elated to say anything more. "Okay."
"Okay," John says.
There's a moment of slightly uncomfortable silence, but John doesn't drop his hand away.
"So now what?" Rod asks.
"I liked it when you kissed me," John confesses. "And you said you wanted to kiss me really bad."
John leads forward and presses moist, tender lips against Rodney's. Rodney lifts his hands slowly, skims them up the side of John's arms, cups the warm elbows and pulls Sheppard firmly into a comforting, safe embrace.
"Safe," Rodney repeats in John's ear as they part for breath. "I swear."
John presses his forehead against Rodney's neck and gives a long, shuddering sob. John hiccoughs, and hot moisture rolls down Rodney's throat to soak into his shirt. "I missed you."
"I'm here," Rodney says, rubbing soothing circles on John's back, strong and warm and solid. "I'm here. Just me. Just Rodney."
END
Poll Author, author!
Author: losyark
Pairings: Sumner/Sheppard; McShep
Setting: MENSA-verse
Rating: NC-17 for language and sexual situations (but no graphic non-con!) and Sheppard!whump
Genre: Angst
Wordcount: 14 300+
Recipient: wanderingwidget
Part One
***
Part Two
Sheppard perches silent and white on the edge of his worktop.
His hands are fisted around the edges and Rod stands stiff beside the closed door, horrified and ashamed.
"At first," Sheppard says slowly, softly, "I thought it was you."
Rod chews on his bottom lip and forces himself to listen instead of trying to make excuses.
"You're always so ... happy," Sheppard says, letting out a shuddering breath. "But you went-tense all over, and your face changed, and your eyes..." Sheppard flicks his own eyes up, then back down hastily, as if afraid of what he'd see. "He was angry. He... he... with his hands... then he said his name was Meredith and that I ... I liked the kiss when I thought it was you."
Sheppard grabs the side of his head and shivers.
"I'm sorry," Rod says, miserably. "I thought he would only kill the Wraith, I didn't think he'd-"
"What are you?" Sheppard snaps. His hand is hovering at his radio, ready to call for help, to scream. "Are you an alien too?"
"No, no!" Rod says hastily. "Nothing like that-just plain old simple, run of the mill Earth style multiple personality disorder."
Sheppard frowns, dropping his hands to his lap again. "Schizophrenia? You?"
"It's not the same thing!"
"But you're still crazy. And they let you on the Expedition?"
"They didn't know. I had it under control the whole time I was at the SGC." Rod is about to say more when he is paged by Weir.
"Doctor McKay?" she says over the headset. Rod resists the urge to cuss and taps his earpiece.
"Yes, Elizabeth?" he says, forcing his voice smooth and pleasant.
"We need you in the meeting room immediately. Do you know where Dr. Sheppard is? We need him too."
"He's here," Rod says. "We'll be right along."
"Thanks," Weir says, then clicks off.
***
The storm comes fast and furious and with it the Genii. Ford and his team had run afoul of them while Rod's team had been on mandatory stand-down to give Sheppard time to get his head together.
Teyla had been traveling with Ford's team, eager to see her childhood friend Sora again, and she had been just as surprised as the others when they found the secret bunker. Rod's read the files, of course, but the files hadn't prepared him for the ferocity of Acastus Kolya.
Rod comes up with the brilliant plan to use the storm's electricity to boost Atlantis' shields, and as such, everyone has to flee to the Apha Site to avoid getting electrocuted when the city's hallways became giant superconductors.
Rod himself stays behind to operate the equipment. Rod is reluctant to send Sheppard back into the arms of a man who'll probably beat the shit out of him once he is there. So Rod tells Grodin that only Sheppard can remain behind to help.
When the city is cleared of all but them, Sheppard turns to look at Rod and says, "Will Meredith...?"
"No," Rod says firmly. "I won't let him."
Sheppard nods, and something in Rod twists up to see the way Sheppard trusts him. "Okay," Sheppard says. "First grounding station. I'm on it." He turns and straightens his back, grabs his tools and begins to jog. With Sumner gone, Sheppard has regained some of his body mass, converting as much of it as possibly to muscle by running with Beckett every morning and working at the bantos with Teyla.
Sheppard wants to stay on Rod's team, wants to contribute to the city; Rod sees the desperation there, the need to actually live up to the boasts he uses to keep people away, keep them from seeing how much he's been hurting. Sheppard doesn't know that he's already lived up to his ego by using his intelligence to save the Expedition a dozen times over-from nanoviruses, from energy-consuming clouds, from themselves.
Sheppard doesn't count it heroism if it's not physical; Rod will show him he's wrong one day.
For now, Rod is not going to let Sheppard's hard work go to waste. As soon as Parrish declares him fit, they'll all be back out there, defeating Wraith, finding tech, and saving the universe. Beckett, Teyla, Sheppard, and Rod.
And Meredith.
Rod shakes his head and grabs his own tools and heads up the stairs, towards the transporter that will take him to grounding stations three and four. And that's when the Stargate whirls to life and divulges the Genii, come to take the city while it's empty.
There are too many of them for Rod to take on alone, and he has no gun right now. Meredith pushes for release and Rod shoves him back, away. "No," he whispers to himself, slinking back into the shadows, though whether it is a denial to Meredith or to the Genii he isn't sure.
Acting quickly, Rod punches in the code to lock down the city's control from anyone but himself. Then, feeling malicious, he enters the command for the 'Gate's shields, and feels Meredith smirk with his mouth when the bodies begin to slam against the force field. Shots are fired and Rod drops his tools and runs.
"Find him!" screeches Kolya. "Spread out, capture the rest, but bring me that one dead!„
***
Rod has the good sense to detour to the armory, then hide in the air vents of the city, but Sheppard is cornered in the grounding station, fighting with the equipment to make sure everything is ready for the storm. God, the storm.
It feels like it's raging inside of Rod right now. What is he supposed to do? Go to the grounding stations, make sure the shield generators are his top priority? Or go after Kolya and his men? Or is he supposed to go and protect Sheppard, Sheppard who, by now, has to have been captured, has to-
The scream that echoes suddenly over the headset is unmistakably Sheppard's.
It is followed up by Kolya's voice. "We have your man," he says. "I've just cut open his pretty little arm. He's got such nice hands, and he's so good with them-I bet I could cut all the tendons to his fingers without damaging his wrist. Do you think I can? I might try."
Rod, finger jammed against his earpiece furiously, spits "What do you want, Kolya?"
"I want the key to the city. You've locked us out."
"Observant," Rod says.
"I want the key."
"It's not your city."
"It's not yours either, you imposter Ancients!"
Rod clenches his teeth and takes a deep breath, denying the wash of red that bubbles so close, so close. No, no, never again. He promised.
There is a pause, and then Kolya asks, "How many of you are in the city?"
"Hundreds."
Sheppard screams again. Rodney closes his eyes and counts to ten.
"How many?"
"Just us two."
"Only two?" Kolya asks. "Where is everyone else? Where is Dr. Grodin?"
"I went crazy and killed them," Rod says. "Keep this up and I'll kill you too."
"You can't," Kolya says. "Not before I kill your friend."
Rod doesn't want to-he doesn't want to let Meredith take over, but his walls and mazes are still flimsy and Meredith breaks through them like kindling. Meredith will not let Kolya hurt Sheppard. Just before the black wells up, Rod hears himself say: "You wanna make that a bet?"
***
Rod comes back to himself with his tongue in Sheppard's mouth.
"Oh, fuck," he says, and pulls away quickly. He rocks back on his heels, and Sheppard scrambles backwards, half crawling up the wall.
"No, no!" he says. "No!"
"Sheppard!" Rod yells, reaches out to soothe the panicked man and stops when he realizes his own arms are red up to the elbows.
Rod feels the distinct urge to puke.
Oh, god. What has Meredith done?
All that is left of the Genii, and Kolya, is a red smear that leads towards the balcony and out into the ocean.
"Sheppard, I-"
"The shields, the shields!" Sheppard yells, panicked, eyes darting from the door and back to Rod and the door again. He clutches his own bleeding arm, cradling it close.
Rod glances at his watch.
"Fuck," he says again. He's lost nearly an hour this time, way more than Meredith usually takes. His head is pounding and his lips still tingle and Rod thinks that being sick would really feel, honestly, just fantastic, but he heaves himself to his feet and with one last guilty glance at Sheppard, Sheppard's pale face and dark mouth and bleeding arm, he bolts to secure the last of the grounding stations.
He is not a moment too soon-the lightning strikes almost at the same time as Rod is slamming down the last lever. The charge of it sends him careening across the floor, hands smoking. The shield goes up just a millimeter faster than an approaching tsunami and Atlantis is saved.
Atlantis, but any and every chance Rod ever had with Sheppard-their friendship, their camaraderie, and Rod's unreturned feelings-is destroyed.
They dial the Alpha site, tell everyone to come home, and they do. Grodin leaves a furious Sumner behind with a new set of grunts to boss around, and orders Sheppard, with his stupid home-made bandage, and Rod to the infirmary.
Sheppard refuses to be in the same room with Rod, even in the infirmary when Rod's burnt hands and Sheppard's wounded arm are treated.
It becomes clear in the next few days that Sheppard isn't willing to ever be in the same place at the same time as Rod ever again. Rod feels like he's betrayed Sheppard, and in a way he has. There has to have been a way to get rid of the Genii that hadn't involved slaughter and pseudo rape, but Rod isn't sure he could have thought something up without Meredith. Rod feels horrible, and guilty. Worst of all, Rod feels like Sumner.
Rod has no choice but to transfer Sheppard to another team and take on Kavanaugh, who though very pleasant and soft spoken, is as dumb as a brick and, in Beckett's words, "Slow as a motherfucking sheep!"
Rod misses Sheppard's mouthing off, his zingers, the way he twists his hair into little spikes when he is deep in concentration. Rod misses Sheppard and their bickering. Their budding friendship. And there is no way he can apologize to Sheppard, because Sheppard is scared of Meredith, and there is nothing Rod can do to protect Sheppard from himself.
Rod isn't usually given to fits of despair, but he lets himself have one, every now and again, for a few minutes in the bath.
***
Weeks pass, and then the Wraith are coming. The Expedition sends mission reports and technical specs and letters home, and then the Daedalus arrives. All the personnel who cannot fight are sent to the Alpha Site. All those who can are fetched from it.
Sheppard cannot go, and refuses the offer anyway. He's needed in the Chair. Beckett is good, but his ATA is not as strong as Sheppard's, and that is that. They need quick responses from the city, and Sheppard, as he very loudly likes to remind people as often as possible, can give them that.
But bringing back all the able bodied fighters from the Alpha Site means the return of Sumner. Rod does everything he can to keep Sumner too busy reinforcing railguns and double checking stability sensors to go after Sheppard, but Rod was only human and one man. Beckett is giving the marines from the Daedalus Wraith 101, and Teyla is with her people. When Rod sees Sheppard in the mess the morning the siege is due to start, Sheppard has a dark red welt forming around his eye.
"Christ, John," Rod says, dropping his tea cup and reaching out to examine what promises to be a spectacular shiner.
"Don't touch me!" Sheppard snarls with such furious venom that Rod actually takes a step back.
"Can you-can you still...?"
"I can operate the Chair fine," Sheppard snaps. He turns on his heel, leaving his half-eaten breakfast on the table, and marches straight to the Chair room and stays there until the Wraith are on them.
The fight is vicious. Rod, trained as well as any marine in combat, fights with vigor, but there are just too many of them, too few humans. Sheppard is a miracle with well aimed drones, but he has to get out of the chair to repair or boost its power so often that his scores are few and far between.
As Rod is running along a balcony, intent on getting to a ruptured power conduit that needs his attention, he nearly runs right into the back of Sumner. A Wraith soldier has him by the throat, the feeding hand pressed against Sumner's chest. They haven't been at it for long; Sumner looks only a few years older.
"Help me!" Sumner croaks, and his voice gets reedier by the syllable.
Rod could save the man easily. He can raise his gun and shoot the Wraith. He can hack at its arm with his knife.
Instead, Rod lets Meredith grin with his mouth and say, "This is what you get for hurting John."
Sumner's eyes go wide, his mouth open but his lips shriveled against his teeth, stealing his words, what promised to be his last curse. Rod lifts his gun and shoots three times into the Wraith's heart.
Meredith re-aims and shoots what's left of Sumner between the eyes.
***
In later reports, Rod calls in a pity kill, says that their bodies fell over the railing instead of being pushed. Rod hates himself for lying, hates himself even more for making the tension slide out of Sheppard's face with the lie. Sheppard goes back to being his usual obnoxious self, and Rod...
Rod has to get away.
Meredith is quiet, too quiet, and it scares Rod.
This is the first time Meredith-Rod-has killed a human, someone that Rod considers a human (the Genii he placated himself with the memory that that they were trying to kill him first), and it terrifies Rod that Meredith has gone so dormant afterwards.
Meredith has never been this complacent, this... willing to let Rod lead. Not since the beginning.
The Daedalus informs Atlantis about the spare ZedPM that the SGC has uncovered among the possessions of the late Doctor Catherine Langford, whose father had discovered the Stargate in Giza, and now the Expedition has a way to get back and forth from Earth whenever they like.
Rod takes time off and goes to visit his sister for a month. He puts Kavanaugh in charge of the labs and trusts Grodin not to make too much of a mess of the Pegasus Galaxy while he is gone. In Vancouver, Rod spends the long hours that Kaleb is at work and Jeannie is tutoring to meditate, and practice with the bantos, to teach Maddie and Robbie 'chopsticks' on the piano, to read his godchildren stories, and help Bradly learn how to walk.
Jeannie doesn't know about Meredith. Rod has no idea how to tell his beloved sister that the space vampires have made him go crazy and nearly rape the man that he was, yeah, okay, pretty much head over heels in love with, and so Rod lets her bake him cookies and make pots of tea and talk about the inane grad students she thinks Rod has gotten himself all worked up over. Jeannie and Kaleb's home is warm and safe and peaceful, and Meredith sinks further down, lying not so close to the surface, and eventually the nightmares and the prodding from his alter self cease.
Rod's mental barriers are back, not as strong as before the Wraith Queen smashed through them, but no longer matchstick flimsy.
When Rod returns to Atlantis, feeling refreshed and rested, if not any more emotionally at peace, it is to find that Sheppard has somehow adopted a caveman. A caveman that likes to beat people-including Rod when he takes him up on an ill-informed wager-when they spar. Then there is a giant hole in time and space ripping through the fabric of the universe right over their heads.
The decision to send someone across the matter bridge is a hasty one. Somehow, in the month Sumner has been dead and Rod (or rather, Meredith) has been absent, Sheppard has grown a spine. Or maybe the spine had already been there, but had been buried beneath too many layers of bravado and hurt for Rod to see.
It makes Rod fall in love all over again to hear Sheppard offer to be the one to go. But while the thought life without Sheppard hurts in all the wrong ways, seeing Sheppard happy here without Meredith hurts only marginally less, so Rod rigs the straw-draw to make sure that he is the one to go. He knows full well he can never come back.
Strangely, he's okay with that.
Zelenka sets up the personal shield, and Sheppard flies him up into the upper atmosphere, as close to the rift as they dared to take the Twinkie (Ford is still officially banned from ever naming anything ever again).
When they get there, Sheppard sits very, very still in the pilot's seat, knuckles white on the controls.
"Look, before I go," Rod starts, but Sheppard cuts him off with a grunt.
"I don't want excuses," Sheppard says. "You promised me you had him under control. And then he wasn't. I can't ever trust you again, Rod." He lifts one shaking hand to push his glasses back up his nose.
"I know," Rod says. "I wasn't asking you to. I just...want to tell you that I'm sorry. If it was... if it was just me, just me here I'd... I want to kiss you so bad." Rod's voice dries up. Before he can do anything he'll regret, before he can say anything more, he takes a running leap out of the back of the Twinkie and straight at the rift and for a small, absurd second, hopes that it won't work.
***
Only it does work, of course, and Rod finds himself putting on his genial diplomat face and talking to a very confused Zelenka in Science blues. This is Rod's new life-a world where Zelenka is a geek and Weir is a hardass, and he is a bit of a... well, a Sheppard.
Rod is genuinely delighted to see Jeannie and Rodney working together in Atlantis, until he realizes that his alter ego is a complete and utter jerk. It has been four years-four years! - since Rodney has talked to his own Jeannie and if it wasn't so dangerous, Rod would have been tempted to loose Meredith on the asshole.
Of course, there is no way to now, not without alerting Doctor Beckett (and he was so friendly, he actually smiled, it was scary) that Rod is just a tiny bit unstable. Rod has to play nice, to play sane and reliable, or else they may not believe his story and everything that he loves in his own universe-Jeannie and Kaleb, Maddie and Robbie and little Bradly, his cat and his teammates and Sheppard-will cease to be.
Only when Rodney and Rod have agreed that the experiment has to be shut down and Beckett has determined that it was safe for Rod to wander Atlantis (there was no danger of cascade failure because the Beckett here has invented a means of delivering the ATA gene to those not born with it-something Rod's Laura is still working on - and thus Rod and Rodney are essentially two different people) does Rod get introduced to the military commander of the base.
Sheppard.
When Lt. Col. John Sheppard slouches into the infirmary, all loose limbs and surfer-boy cool, Rod actually rocks back on his heels and gasps.
"John?" he can't help himself from saying. This is Jonathan Sheppard? What John Sheppard might have been if he had fallen in love with planes instead of maths? If he had more confidence and less defensiveness?
If he had only been loved properly?
It makes Rod want to turn away. It makes him want to hide his face in his hands. It makes him want to weep.
This John Sheppard is everything Rod's John should be and can't be because Meredith had... no, Sumner first, but Meredith still...
Rod sways and sits heavily on the side of the hospital bed.
Lt. Col. Sheppard stops up short and rubs the back of his neck and says: "This is uncanny. You alright doc?" and his accent is inflected with all the regional American-ness that Doctor Sheppard has viciously rubbed out of his own voice.
"I, uh... just a little..."
Sheppard smiles, a brilliant, wide smile. A real one. Rod blinks and feels like he's been hit by a transport truck. "My McKay's got hypocalcaemia. When was the last time you ate?"
"Uh," Rod says, because he doesn't actually remember and is too blown away by the possessive pronoun-MY McKay-to actually do the math.
"S'alright," Sheppard drawls. "We'll swing by the mess and get you a sandwich on the way to your new quarters. Elizabeth-Dr. Weir, that is-said you can stay."
"Yeah, okay," Rod says, because what else can he do? He rises to his feet slowly, feeling like a cement oaf next to this Sheppard's graceful movements, and follows him out the door and down the hall.
"Any dietary restrictions we should know about? Or is it just the allergy to citrus?"
"Citrus?" Rod repeated. "Your-" your! "McKay is allergic to lemons?"
Sheppard just flashes him one of those brilliant grins again and says, "Yeah. You're not? Huh... I wonder what else is different. Say, do you play golf?"
***
It is a shameless, shameless ploy, and Rod embarrasses himself by using it, but he has to, he has to see, to taste, to feel and know what he is missing, what he has thoroughly fucked up with his own Sheppard. Rod is not very good at resisting temptation lately.
"Here, now, I can help you with that hook," he says, coming up behind Lt. Col. Sheppard deliberately, slowly, and reaching around his warm body to adjust the colonel's grip on the club.
Sheppard goes still in his embrace, and Rod takes this as an invitation to skim his hands up Sheppard's arms, splay his fingers across the firm chest, bury his nose in the back of Sheppard's hair.
"McKay," Sheppard says, voice cracking on the last syllable. "Rod."
"Do you do this with him?" Rod asks softly, mouthing the words against the back of Sheppard's neck. "Do you let him touch you like this?"
Sheppard jams an elbow into Rod's solar plexus. Rod doubles over, woofing out his breath. Sheppard slams his golf club hard into his caddy bag, grabs the handle and stalks away.
Rod doesn't really blame him.
***
Working with Rodney is shaming beyond belief. This version of Rod is sparklingly brilliant, smart the way that Doctor Sheppard is smart, in a way that Rod has never been because Rod has always played it so safe with his theories. Rod made friends in academia. Rod is smart, but he is reliable. Rodney is smart, but he is creative. Rodney's had death threats from faculty. He leaps from one conclusion to the next, so fast that Rod is barely able to keep up with him.
When the work day ends and Rod is released to go back to his quarters and sleep, Rod gets there only to find Rodney in his room.
"What are you doing here?" Rod asks him, and at the same time, Rodney asks the same. It is a goose-bump inducing moment of stereo.
Belatedly, Rod realizes that he has not in fact gone to his new quarters, but to the place where his were in his old reality. Rod assumes Rodney's this close to the mess because he likes food.
"Sorry," he says softly. "I... forgot. Sorry to have bothered you, Doctor McKay," he repeats with more polite cheer than he actually feels, and turns to walk back out the door.
"Why do you do that?" Rodney asks, and Rod stops, hand halfway to the sensor pad.
"Do what?" Rod asks, turning back around to face his doppelganger.
"Apologize," Rodney explains with an eye roll that clearly communicates his thoughts on that. "For everything. You're such a doormat."
Rod feels the red flash behind his eyes and reins it in. "Why are you the way you are? Why are you such an asshole?"
Rodney's face goes white, then puce. "At least I tell people what I really think!"
"You're an obnoxious jerk!"
"You're a fake!"
The words hit Rod like a punch in the gut. He covers his face with his hands and mutters, "Oh, god, I am."
"You're a-!" Rodney begins, ready to hurl another insult, and then pauses to process what Rod has actually said. "You are?"
Rod nods, miserable. "It's all a façade. A fucking mask."
"I... it is?" Rodney begins to fidget, distinctly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has turned. "How?"
"Meredith."
"Oh, god, is that your first name, too?" Rodney squawks, "Our parents were sadistic!"
"Your first name?" Rod repeats, hands dropping away, flabbergasted. "No, Meredith is... is..." he stops and really thinks about what he had been about to say. It sounds stupid even to him.
"Is, is, is what?" Rodney snaps impatiently.
Rod heaves a sigh. "Our split personality."
Rodney's mouth curves down in a cartoonish scowl, and Rod sees for the first time why people giggle at him when he frowns.
"Split personality?"
"Never mind," Rod says, turning back to the door, "Forget I said anything."
"I had one," Rodney says, again making Rod pause and face him. "When I was young-like, thirteen. But I... it wasn't conducive to my research so I made it go away."
"Made it just...?" Rod asks. "But how?"
Rodney shrugs. "I'm stubborn," Rodney says.
"Stubborn," Rod repeats.
Something small and warm blossoms in Rod's chest, and he's not sure, but he thinks it might be hope.
***
The next morning is goodbyes and rechecking mathematical data that hopefully will send Rod right back to the same lab in his own Atlantis and not plummeting from the planet's stratosphere out of the rift. Now that Rod has something to go home for.
"You're lucky," Rod tells Rodney softly before he leaves.
What he means to say is I'm jealous. Rodney has learned to integrate the two sides of himself, to manage his anger and not let it manage itself. Rodney has a Ronon who protects him, a Teyla who trusts him, even if she was often wrong about her own history, and a Sheppard who does not fear him.
Rodney has everything Rod wants, but can't have because of who he is.
And if Rodney can do it - sparkling, shining, Rodney could do it - then so can Rod.
He can make Meredith disappear.
***
Rod returns to his Atlantis with great fanfare. Sheppard is the only one not at the party. The Life Signs Detector says that there is only one lonely blip of a life sign in Sheppard's quarters, so that's where Rod heads.
Rod lifts a hand-his hand, not Meredith's, never again Meredith's-and waves it across the crystal panel. The sensor chimes, and from inside, Rod can hear Sheppard's perpetually unlaced boots clonking towards the door.
"Who is it?" he asks from the other side, and it tears Rod up to imagine Sheppard with his shoulders curled inwards, his mouth in a tight line, too scared to invite people into his home without checking who they are first.
"It's..." Rod begins, then stops. He isn't sure how to answer.
"Rod?" Sheppard whispers, and Rod can hear the clenched teeth. "Or Meredith?"
"Neither," Rod says. "It's Rodney."
"Rodney."
"Can I come in?" Rod asks softly. "I want to... apologize and... and explain."
The doors swoosh open, and if Atlantis is really as in tune with this Sheppard the way it is with Sheppard back in the other reality, she senses his hesitation because the swooping is little more stilted than normal. Sheppard stands very still on the other side, one hand up, still hovering over the keypad, ready to slam the door in Rod's face if he proves to be Meredith. Something in Rod's insides lurch sideways.
Sheppard's hair, that out of control over-stimulated hair, which Rod always thought was due to Sheppard's rather adorable habit of twisting it while he was working complex equations-but the other reality proved was just plain old genetics-is limp. It droops unhappily, like a scolded puppy's ears. Sheppard's face is gray, his perpetual five o'clock shadow less shadowy and more full on scruff. His mouth is a thin, tight line that matches the strain on the side of his eyes.
Rod wants to pretend that it's because Sheppard has missed him. But it's probably not.
Sheppard takes the time that Rod is using to asses him, too. Rod tries to look as genial and un-Meredith like as possible. Sheppard apparently decides that Rod looks harmless enough, and steps aside. Rod walks slowly over the threshold, and feels the door close behind him. Sheppard doesn't move away from it, and again Rod's insides lurch when he realizes that Sheppard isn't letting Rod get between him and the only method of escape. Rod gives Sheppard his space.
"John," Rod starts, then stops and licks his lips and feels like ten kinds of asshole. It's the first time he's used Sheppard's first name. He wishes it was under better circumstances.
"I won't do it," Sheppard interrupts.
Rod blinks. "Do what?"
"Whatever it is that Meredith wants, I won't do it." His hands are shaking, the lowered one a balled fist, white-knuckled beside his thigh. "I won't be his pet, and... and I won't be kept. I'm done with that kind of devil's bargain. I'm my own person and I, I won't have any one else telling me what to do. Whatever he's sent you to offer, I don't want it."
Rod is taken aback. And he is impressed-it must have taken Sheppard hours to screw up the courage to say something like that. Rod reassesses that thought-no, this Sheppard, maybe, but not the other Sheppard, not the Sheppard who is military commander of Atlantis, and Rod knows there is more of that Sheppard in John than maybe John knows himself.
"I'm not here to broker a deal for Meredith," Rod says truthfully. "I'm here to..." he sighs and runs a hand through his own over stimulated hair, feeling the puffs and whorls that indicate he's been far too stressed out lately.
"To what?"
Rod sits down on the side of Sheppard's bed without being invited. Sheppard tenses but doesn't move and doesn't say anything.
"When I was a kid," Rod starts, slowly, staring at his hands, running one finger over the deep lines in the other palm. "I was pushed. A lot. Genius son, prodigy at the piano, mathematical savant. I played Carnegie Hall when I was twelve, went to Julliard at fifteen. I did a degree in performance, and then an undergrad and concurrent Masters of mathematics at MIT at nineteen and finished in three years. I had a doctorate in astrophysics by twenty four and another in engineering by twenty seven."
"I know," says Sheppard, from his post by the door. "I read your file. So?"
"A life like that... it's like a pressure cooker. Some days, god, some days I thought I would just... just pop." Sheppard flinches, takes a step back at the sound of venom in Rod's voice. Rod screws up his eyes and ignores the burning in the back of them. "When I was eighteen, I was taking a break from my courses to do a concert tour Europe. I didn't know the language, my assistant was useless and lazy, I was frustrated and exhausted and homesick, and she made this fucking stupid joke about my stupid curly hair, and I just..."
Rod clenches his own hands on his knees.
"When I woke back up, she was on the floor. There was a broken vase and blood all around the back of her head. She's... she was in a coma for a while, and when she woke up she couldn't remember anything before our argument. Oh, they didn't think it was me, the genius pianist with his eccentric habits. It was a rabid fan, or a disgruntled hotel worker..."
Rod looks up, pleading with his eyes for Sheppard to understand. "I didn't remember, but I knew. It had to be me."
"Meredith," Sheppard says, and it isn't a question.
"Meredith," Rod agrees. "After that, when I lost my temper, I'd black out. When I came back, my place would be trashed, or the lab destroyed, or my roommate cowering in the corner. Sometimes he even left notes for me, that was the worst thing; seeing those horrible words in my own handwriting. I... I learned to control it. Or so I thought. I taught myself patience. I learned to count to ten and smile when I wanted to scream and ... fuck, I thought I had him under control."
"You didn't."
"I did!" Rod insists. "I did until... Pegasus, and, and the Wraith and ... all this scary shit that I didn't know how to deal with. I couldn't handle it, but ... but Meredith could. So I... I let him out. Just a little bit, you know? Just to get us away from the Wraith, or to beat off the crazy spear-wielding natives, or to stop Kolya from cutting you."
Sheppard touches the long, thin scar on his forearm and says nothing.
"But then, he wanted out more often. He wanted to p-play. He... I... we both like you, John. I always did, from the first time we met, I ... I liked you." Rod fights every instinct to turn to gauge Sheppard's reaction to his confession and instead stares steadfastly at the floor. "Meredith, he liked you too, but for... he wanted something else," Rod finishes lamely. "He was furious when Sumner..."
Sheppard sucks in a hitching breath, but again says nothing.
"I didn't know. I swear to god if I'd known what Sumner was doing sooner I would have... I swear I didn't know, John. I would have had him sent away immediately. I wish we could have sent him to Earth instead of just the Alpha Site."
Sheppard's posture wobbles. "You ... sent him away for me?"
"Of course!" Rod says. "You're my team. Why wouldn't I? He was hurting you. I wouldn't have even brought him to Atlantis. The black eye... And I'm sorry, oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible, horrible friend."
"But Meredith knew?" Sheppard says, and it was a question this time.
"He and I didn't always know the same things. We felt a lot of the same things, but what we each knew..."
"Meredith knows everything Rod does," Sheppard hisses. "He told me so."
It is Rod's turn to flinch.
"Why are you here Rod... Rodney?" Sheppard asks.
"To apologize," Rod admits, "I'm sorry for not helping with Sumner and I'm sorry for what Meredith did. And I'm really really sorry for not being able to control him before."
"Before?" Sheppard asks, and for the first time, drops his hand away from the keypad. "You keep talking about Meredith in the past tense."
"He's gone," Rod-Rodney says. "He will be-I have him under lock, and I'm going to go to Parrish, I'm going to get help, I promise." And it is true-Rodney hasn't felt Meredith really stir since he'd killed Sumner. Maybe Rod doesn't need Meredith anymore-maybe killing a Wraith without Meredith's help had killed Meredith too. Maybe it's just that Rod refuses to even acknowledge that there could be someone else in his mind with him. There's only one, and it's not Meredith. "Meredith will be gone, and so will Rod. There'll be no more bipolar opposites. I'll be just ... I'm just... I'm just me. Dr. Rodney McKay, arrogant, patient and ... hoping that the man that he's pretty much been in love with since the second he heard him spout multi-linear algorithms is willing to forgive him."
"You killed Sumner," Sheppard says. Rodney finally looks up at him. He is still tense, ready to flee, weight on the balls of his feet, but his hands are loose. "It wasn't a mercy kill, was it? You shot Sumner."
"Meredith killed him for what he'd done to you." Rodney doesn't see any point in lying. Not now. "It was the last thing he did."
"But Meredith is gone?"
"When I was... over there," Rodney says, side stepping the question, and both of them know what he means by 'over there', "their Rodney was... he was whole, you know? He was together. He was obnoxious and arrogant and acerbic, but he was honest and he was himself and his friends... they knew him, the real him and they loved the real him and I... I finally saw what I could be. What I should be. I knew that Rod could be strong and brave and smart and honest like that and still be loved and I... didn't need Meredith any more. I can do it alone. I can handle Pegasus alone. So I'm going to make him... go away."
Sheppard takes a tentative step closer.
"I saw what you could be, too, John," Rodney says, suddenly, desperately. Sheppard, poor, broken, miserable, brilliant Sheppard with no social skills. A John that he loved desperately for those bad social skills, his little tummy pooch, his few silver hairs, the expressive smile that Rod has seen so rarely, his dorky Drew Carrey glasses. "I saw a Sheppard that was intelligent and comfortable and ... and safe."
"Safe," Sheppard repeats, as if the concept is foreign.
"Sumner is gone. So is Meredith. It's just me, here, this new Rodney. Just us. You and me."
Sheppard closes the gap between them slowly, step by agonizing step. Rodney stands up, his knees feeling like jelly, sure that he is going to break out into a sweat or vomit or collapse any second now. He feels, for the first time since Meredith had first come to his aid at eighteen, vulnerable.
Rod is scared and there is no Meredith. It is just Rodney, left to face this alone, and he could, he can.
Sheppard reaches up. His hands are damp, his fingers still trembling. He touches the side of Rodney's face gently with the back of his hand, then with the wet palm. Rodney resists the urge to turn his face into the touch, and keeps his gaze locked with Sheppard's wide hazel eyes.
Sheppard searches his in return, and suddenly the tenseness around the corners vanishes.
"Rodney," he says. "Rodney."
"Rodney," Rodney agrees.
Sheppard licks his lips carefully, slowly. "I won't do ... I'll be hard to deal with," Sheppard says, his voice a trembling whisper. "I may not want to-"
"Anything you need," Rodney says. "I won't do anything you don't want. I can... I'll wait. I'll wait forever if I have to. Just-"
"I won't forgive you," Sheppard-no, John - says.
Rodney feels the bottom of his stomach fall out.
"You didn't do it. It was him and he's gone. So there's no point in apologizing to you."
Rodney's stomach sweeps back up and into his throat. "Yeah, okay," Rodney mumbles, too elated to say anything more. "Okay."
"Okay," John says.
There's a moment of slightly uncomfortable silence, but John doesn't drop his hand away.
"So now what?" Rod asks.
"I liked it when you kissed me," John confesses. "And you said you wanted to kiss me really bad."
John leads forward and presses moist, tender lips against Rodney's. Rodney lifts his hands slowly, skims them up the side of John's arms, cups the warm elbows and pulls Sheppard firmly into a comforting, safe embrace.
"Safe," Rodney repeats in John's ear as they part for breath. "I swear."
John presses his forehead against Rodney's neck and gives a long, shuddering sob. John hiccoughs, and hot moisture rolls down Rodney's throat to soak into his shirt. "I missed you."
"I'm here," Rodney says, rubbing soothing circles on John's back, strong and warm and solid. "I'm here. Just me. Just Rodney."
END
Poll Author, author!