More than Unbroken
Title: More than Unbroken
Author: Scribble
Pairing: Sakuraiba, brief Junba
Rating: G
Summary: Aiba grows up broken. What does it take to overcome the damage?
(A/N: I'm fairly sure this was written back when I was slowly switching gears from being an Aiba-fan to being Nino-dedicated. I also didn't like Jun very much at the time, but I always tried to not make anyone a villain in my stories (not anyone in Arashi anyway). So the details of their lives aren't exactly the same and I wouldn't characterize them this way if I wrote the same story today, but as long as you go in knowing that, I think it works out okay.)
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Aiba was broken. It had been such a long time since anyone had thought to check on the situation, so no one was aware, but it was nonetheless true. Who could you blame for being oblivious? You wouldn’t ever suspect such a thing of Aiba.
He was the happy, bouncy, innocently blunt puppy that looked adorable when excited, but twice as cute when pouting. He was an extrovert who never missed a party or an outing with friends. There was no way he could hide something dark within himself without anyone else noticing.
However, in his personality, there was a loophole. The keyword was ‘hide’. Because Aiba wasn’t hiding anything. He just didn’t feel the need to act depressed. Instead, his way of dealing with depressed was to do any activity he could think of to cheer up, throwing his entire being into it.
He couldn’t bear to feel that nauseating wall of despair so he did his best to push it out of the way. No one thought of Aiba as a thinker; consequently, no one discussed things like this with him and knew this crucial detail. To sum it all up, a sunshine-beaming, exuberantly hyper Aiba could be the biggest warning sign of the cracks fissuring through his peace of mind.
So to come back to the obvious question, why was Aiba broken in the first place? The answer seemed simple at first telling, but was actually much deeper-rooted and complicated in reality. Aiba needed to know he was loved.
Being loved wasn’t enough because if it was, any number of people could have fulfilled that role. He needed to KNOW and there inlay the problem. He didn’t trust in his ability to be loved anymore. Not in that melodramatic, poor-me way, but in the unobtrusive, nagging, real way that you might not even be conscious of, but you felt in your heart.
When Aiba was young his father had passed away, leaving him and his mother to struggle through financial hardships. To Aiba his whole world was gone. His mother had married for political and social reasons, so the emotional blow wasn’t heavy for her. That knowledge more than anything scarred Aiba.
It was normal for couples to marry with some impetus other than love. However, was it normal not to feel anything for a man you had spent 9 years with? If his mother never cared for his father, did she care for him? Aiba didn’t dare ask, but the life-weary woman had never been demonstrative, so he made the logical conclusion despite his natural tilt towards optimism.
As his character dictated, Aiba clung to her even more in his fear and uncertainty, trying to be cheerful and avoid causing trouble that would draw disapproval. When his mother remarried after a year of intensive man-searching, he had to take backseat though.
Now she was dedicated to showing this new man and his motherless son that she was the perfect housewife. There was no time left for Aiba’s clinging. Seeing another boy receiving her attention stung worse than just being ignored on his own.
He tried to make up for it in school, being affable and entertaining. It took his mind off of things and his classmates responded well, showing him the laughing faces he craved. Unfortunately, his teachers’ word for this was “class clown” which didn’t help with his family situation.
He had to find another outlet for his need for attention and warmth. An unintentionally helpful friend brought him out to karaoke and discovered that he could SING. After that Aiba got into music in all forms, choosing saxophone to learn and practicing dance when his energetic body wanted to join in on the act.
As long as it kept him out of trouble, his mother approved, but she never encouraged him. He graduated middle school as expected, but that’s when he ran into his biggest problem. His family wanted him to take over the Noodle shop they ran.
He’d helped after school with no complaint, greeted the suppliers that worked with them politely, and he’d thought that had been enough. With his lack of foresight, Aiba hadn’t guessed that he was being groomed. How could someone so disconnected with their family inherit the business? But that was to be his fate, he was told.
For the first time since his father’s death, Aiba took a long time to sequester himself and just think. Yes, he wanted his mother’s approval. But Aiba was no longer a child and he knew that he was never likely to get it even doing everything she wished.
He had no desire to run the shop and in fact, he had a passion for entertaining. So he painfully told them no and left to pursue his dreams. She had only shrugged and said that his younger step-brother could take over in his place, his step-father would be happier that way anyway.
Aiba, talented as he was and endearing to boot, easily found his way into one of the most respected and popular agencies in show business. It may have been a bit tyrannical, but it was undeniably a huge break. Being old to start his training, Aiba had to work hard at everything, but he advanced quickly. After only a few years it was announced that he would be debuting with the rest of a group of 5.
Arashi was born.
While still training, Aiba was known around the agency as a monkey. He was all crazy, slightly accident-prone energy and was partial to meddling in everything. He got to know a majority of the other trainees all in the light, easy, comrade-ish sort of way. Of course he had worked with these four other Arashians before, but he wasn’t well acquainted with them. That changed dramatically.
For the first ten years they grew closer. They learned that Sho was more than a bit dorkily awkward when he tried to be cool, but when he didn’t, that was another matter. This translated into him being pathetic on camera and unbelievably together off-camera.
The most amazing thing was that he was warm-hearted and loyal as a retriever on top of that, no attitude despite having the best education by far. His heart and vision kept them all firmly stuck into a functioning unit despite all of the difficulties they faced over time. He was a true leader if ever there was one.
Ohno was their leader, however, and in some twist of sense, he deserved the title too. Ohno was calm, talented, competent, and charismatic. He just didn’t have the gene for gung-ho excitement unless it involved fishing, even his beloved art being a mellow hobby.
Despite being awe-worthy in terms of being gifted, Ohno was quite adorable too. He was sleepy, soft, and innocently blunt (in a different manner than Aiba though). Still, if you thought he would be submissive, you were sorely mistaken.
If you told him about a problem, he’d lead you around without a chance to get away, headstrong in his opinion of how to solve it. And usually it worked out, although not without some unnecessarily painful moments added in. This was his way of showing his care and it only came out during personal time.
If there was any person who was more tough disguised love, you could only name Nino. Sharp in several ways, intellectually, socially, and verbally, he was the strong older brother. At first glance he was self-absorbed, demanding affection and never bothering to wax romantic about his care for his friends. But that was only the surface.
He teased and bullied, but he would never hurt his friends in any real way and if he found out someone else had, they’d find they’d underestimated the potential of his wrath. More than one nasty prank had been perpetrated on the asshole, fame-obsessed ex-friends of his bandmates. He was small, but he packed the biggest punch and wasn’t afraid to let anyone know it.
Aiba knew he’d had problems with his parents too, he told people on the drop of a hat without flinching after all, but he didn’t moon over it and try to gain pity. He took care of himself thank you very much and come over here so he can put you in a headlock.
The only person who could completely reduce him to his most vulnerable core of sweet childishness was Ohno- although if you looked closely when he was praised by others, you could see the signs.
Last was Jun. Jun was a bundle of nerves, but you’d never see that in his performances. He knew how to hide it and only show the image he was supposed to, the cool distant heartthrob. He worried about every single detail and wanted everything to be neurotically perfect only because Arashi was too important to him.
He was their biggest supporter and if the band ever broke up, it would be over Jun’s dead body. He was the youngest and his fervent dedication was actually rather cute. He could be just as big an attention-hog as Nino, wanting to use someone’s lap for a pillow or considerately doing unasked favors simply for the praise he’d get afterwards.
This left Aiba. Aiba was touched by the awe-inspiring love of their fans. Aiba was moved to tears by a simple hug from his bandmates. He was annoying with his fascination for cock-brained experiments, but his optimism won you over against your will. In the end you couldn’t help but grudgingly admit, if only to yourself, you were glad you went along for the ride.
He was a creature of movement and emotion, but not known for his philosophy. His wisdom came from his heart, not his head. This was Aiba to Arashi. All true, but missing that one important element. Even if Aiba was broken, he was whole as part of Arashi. This didn’t erase the problem, but it did do a great deal to patch it up.
Not too long after they had debuted, Aiba collapsed a lung during a video filming and had to be rushed to the hospital. He could have died. The agency contacted his family, but when he woke from the surgery, his bandmates were the ones waiting there, having canceled countless appointments until they were sure he was fine.
He hadn’t expected his mother to come, he really hadn’t. The concern of his bandmates was touching enough to make up his family’s part. But there was still a gap in his heart.
After that he wasn’t allowed to play saxophone anymore. For some reason this brought home the feeling of having burdened his bandmates more than anything else. He forgave himself eventually for having caused such problems since he couldn’t help his body’s decisions, but he never quite lost the echo of that feeling. He didn’t want to become a true burden for Arashi EVER.
Impressionable as he was, Aiba had image issues. Free-spirited as he tended to be, this might not be intuitive, but that didn’t stop him from worrying. Idols needed to be fit. They needed to be sexy, and angular, and not have that slight bulge under their chin.
It might have gone a bad direction, but Nino caught on early and boxed his ears. It was more of a burden to develop an eating disorder than to have that healthy bulge. He was still sexy anyway, Nino told him, but not as hot as Nino himself.
Ohno happened to overhear and agree and Nino blushed crimson. A reassured Aiba discovered the concept of homosexuality then and after considering, he decided that it made no difference to his match-making hobbies. It wasn’t long before those two were secretly dating. Although everyone in Arashi knew of course.
The last year of their career had been a bit different thus far. Having navigated the pitfalls of the entertainment industry and in their own youths, they had finally reached a golden mature popularity.
Everyone was busier than ever before, especially working on solo projects rather than group ones. It was independence. They went out with co-stars more than with each other, but if reunited, they were secure in the knowledge that Arashi’s bond wouldn’t have lessened at all. It was a beautiful thing.
Aiba told himself he was happy with everything in its current state. He wasn’t losing touch with his certainty that Arashi was a forever thing. The fact that his bandmates spent time with other people more than him didn’t rankle and make him wonder.
He threw himself headfirst into work and came out with a broken arm. Nino whacked him on the head in passing and Jun lamented the lost functionality over dinner when they met up one night. Aiba knew he had managed to injure himself again and this time it was his fault. Thankfully he didn’t need his arm so much for variety shows. Sho made time to come see him and give him a book of jokes about broken limbs. Who knew they had such things?
Life went on. The longer Aiba was away from Arashi, the less able he was to distract himself from his loneliness. Not that he walled himself off from people, but Arashi were the only ones he’d been around for so long that they had just learned and accepted everything about him. They were the only ones that he could feel comfortable with in any situation.
It had been so long since he’d fully focused on the uneasiness he felt in his heart about his relationships. He decided it was time to stop waiting for them to come to him and go visit his family again.
Aiba called Jun before he went to ask advice. Really Nino would have been just as useful if not more, but Jun was easier to talk to about this stuff. He listened earnestly and was gently encouraging. Most of all, he wouldn’t threaten to go beat up your long-estranged family for you.
It was all but disaster. His mother hadn’t been following his career at all, it was obvious. She smiled wanly and told him it was good to be so successful and wasn’t it his duty to take care of his mother in her old age? He told himself he hadn’t expected more. He always told himself.
He’d never been close to his step-brother and the boy barely remembered him anymore. Being more than 10 years since he left, it had been over half the boy’s life. He was currently in the process of learning the management of the shop from the father who had never been Aiba’s father.
At almost 3 in the morning Aiba showed up at Jun’s apartment to say 'Hi!' after having come back from Chiba earlier than he’d planned. Jun asked what happened and Aiba told the tale matter-of-factly and then they talked about anything for a while. They slept in the same bed that night and when Aiba woke up the next morning, he kissed Jun. Jun didn’t mind.
Aiba and Jun dated when they had half a chance. Since Aiba was less busy, he memorized Jun’s schedule and showed up at his work just to watch whenever possible. When he couldn’t, he texted and called to talk to Jun’s voicemail because he had his cell on silent to avoid interruption.
Once in a blue moon they got to meet up for the night and not long after the first kiss, they had sex. Aiba decided there was something to this homosexual thing after all. He should have investigated earlier. And now he thought he might love the younger man.
That wasn’t Jun’s point of view though. He was more concerned with 'Why will Aiba never leave me alone for two seconds?' They had a nice thing going, it was fun and it felt good.
But despite all of his warm-hearted affection, Jun was a lady’s man. He didn’t get deep into every relationship he started. And he couldn’t deal with someone in his business all the time. He should have told Aiba this in a better way, he knew. He regretted it after the stress of his drama and other compounded work made him too snappy. It was awkward and he didn’t know how to approach Aiba after that.
Being the one who’d always acted as the mediator, Sho had kept an eye on the situation. When Ohno and Nino were off in their own world, not even aware the other two had started dating much less that they’d now stopped, Sho knew. He didn’t blame Jun and they had a few talks until Jun could gather the courage to smooth things over properly with Aiba.
He checked on Aiba and found the man to be surprisingly resilient and forgiving. All was well as far as they could see. Sho still called him more often than usual, sensing somehow that there was something a bit off.
Inside Aiba was a wreck. He’d never been so upset that he couldn’t distract himself before. It had been so stupid to try to have a romance with another member of Arashi. They were his most important friends and now he’d caused problems for Jun and possibly made that relationship awkward for a long time.
He got through the days because they were jam-packed, he made them more-so when there was a gap in his schedule. He needed to be occupied so he didn’t bring everyone down with his bad mood. But when he was at home, he had problems. He lived alone. He was alone.
And like a ray of sunshine, their new single was released, the first in several months. He’d get to spend time with the whole group again. He and Jun were stiff, but still friendly. They’d get over it eventually. Surely.
Nino confronted him about his weight again. His weight? Whoops. Aiba hadn’t purposefully lost weight, but he tended to get dazed when he was home lately and he forgot to eat meals on occasion. Sho saw the argument start and went over to rescue Aiba from Nino, bringing Ohno along to drag the aggressive member away from their puppy-dog bandmate.
Sho took his prisoner to talk. He finally found out about the start of the relationship, information he had been lacking and consequently about the trip home. Aiba explained it matter-of-factly and Sho demanded that he cry. So he did. They sat in a stairwell for a while, Sho rubbing Aiba’s back and letting him cry into his shirt. Nino dropped by later to force-feed him a bento after he’d calmed down.
After that Sho pried more than he ever had before. He’d finally put his finger on something that had been off about Aiba for a while and he wanted to follow through on his growing suspicions.
He and Aiba talked a lot, during work, on the phone, at Aiba’s apartment, at his. He learned the story behind Aiba’s childhood and marveled at how such a great person could still be here in front of him as he was. How he even managed to make it here at all.
When Sho realized he’d fallen for Aiba, it wasn’t a huge shock. He didn’t date much, but he knew about his sexuality. Arashi seemed to be predisposed to liking men anyway. No, Sho didn’t date much because of his serious, earnest nature, but he was utterly committed when he did. He’d been with Aiba for ten years and he was sure of his feelings.
At first Aiba was wary of getting into another relationship with a bandmate, but Sho won him over patiently, understanding he needed to obtain Aiba’s trust first.
Aiba gave in to the chemistry and the gentle patience eventually. Where Aiba had been the one who put the effort into his relationship with Jun, Sho wanted to be the one to take care of him this time. When he caught another one of his numerous flus, Sho was there, fixing him soup and going out to buy medicine.
When Aiba needed to learn lines- something he was atrocious at- Sho did his best to assist although memory wasn’t his strong suit either. Aiba reciprocated by being Aiba- disaster, energy, affection and all. They were a comfortable couple all said.
It was only after two years of this that Aiba had a light bulb moment. One day during an embarrassing quiz show about love and all of its characteristics, Aiba was staving off boredom (Sho had told him this was a dangerous thing for others while he was working or …basically ever) by trying to think of examples in his own life that matched the clichés in the game.
“I’m in love!” he yelled excitedly, interrupting the hosts and utterly amusing the audience. They had a good laugh, but when he refused to elaborate, they moved the show along.
Later on, he took some time to think again. He hadn’t noticed that he was in love at all. It was so silly since love was the type of thing you should know right away.
Maybe he hadn’t recognized it because it had been so long- maybe his whole life- since he felt so undeniably sure that someone loved him. It had become safe to love and to expect to be loved again. He told Sho when he got home that night and they laughed happily.
It was almost another year before they held a party of their select friends and family to celebrate their love. They couldn’t get married, but Sho had still proposed forever. Sho’s parents and siblings were among the guests, not minding at all that their son was with a man. Aiba could honestly say that he didn’t even notice his family never showed up that day.
You couldn’t say Aiba was healed. After being broken so early, there was no way that could ever happen. He could trust Sho now, but it was tenuous. If Sho ever did something that could even just be misunderstood as unfaithful everything would probably end. And Aiba still didn’t trust anyone else completely. Arashi more than any other, but not completely.
You couldn’t say he was healed, but was that the important thing? In his crazy career, Aiba had learned that there was never an end to the new jobs that showed up, pressing him to learn horseback riding or other skills to keep up. As long as things kept going, as long as he had the opportunity to improve and live his life to the fullest, then that was fine.
Being healed or never broken would be better, but having Sho hold the pieces together for him, a permanent human superglue, that was okay too.
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Author: Scribble
Pairing: Sakuraiba, brief Junba
Rating: G
Summary: Aiba grows up broken. What does it take to overcome the damage?
(A/N: I'm fairly sure this was written back when I was slowly switching gears from being an Aiba-fan to being Nino-dedicated. I also didn't like Jun very much at the time, but I always tried to not make anyone a villain in my stories (not anyone in Arashi anyway). So the details of their lives aren't exactly the same and I wouldn't characterize them this way if I wrote the same story today, but as long as you go in knowing that, I think it works out okay.)
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Aiba was broken. It had been such a long time since anyone had thought to check on the situation, so no one was aware, but it was nonetheless true. Who could you blame for being oblivious? You wouldn’t ever suspect such a thing of Aiba.
He was the happy, bouncy, innocently blunt puppy that looked adorable when excited, but twice as cute when pouting. He was an extrovert who never missed a party or an outing with friends. There was no way he could hide something dark within himself without anyone else noticing.
However, in his personality, there was a loophole. The keyword was ‘hide’. Because Aiba wasn’t hiding anything. He just didn’t feel the need to act depressed. Instead, his way of dealing with depressed was to do any activity he could think of to cheer up, throwing his entire being into it.
He couldn’t bear to feel that nauseating wall of despair so he did his best to push it out of the way. No one thought of Aiba as a thinker; consequently, no one discussed things like this with him and knew this crucial detail. To sum it all up, a sunshine-beaming, exuberantly hyper Aiba could be the biggest warning sign of the cracks fissuring through his peace of mind.
So to come back to the obvious question, why was Aiba broken in the first place? The answer seemed simple at first telling, but was actually much deeper-rooted and complicated in reality. Aiba needed to know he was loved.
Being loved wasn’t enough because if it was, any number of people could have fulfilled that role. He needed to KNOW and there inlay the problem. He didn’t trust in his ability to be loved anymore. Not in that melodramatic, poor-me way, but in the unobtrusive, nagging, real way that you might not even be conscious of, but you felt in your heart.
When Aiba was young his father had passed away, leaving him and his mother to struggle through financial hardships. To Aiba his whole world was gone. His mother had married for political and social reasons, so the emotional blow wasn’t heavy for her. That knowledge more than anything scarred Aiba.
It was normal for couples to marry with some impetus other than love. However, was it normal not to feel anything for a man you had spent 9 years with? If his mother never cared for his father, did she care for him? Aiba didn’t dare ask, but the life-weary woman had never been demonstrative, so he made the logical conclusion despite his natural tilt towards optimism.
As his character dictated, Aiba clung to her even more in his fear and uncertainty, trying to be cheerful and avoid causing trouble that would draw disapproval. When his mother remarried after a year of intensive man-searching, he had to take backseat though.
Now she was dedicated to showing this new man and his motherless son that she was the perfect housewife. There was no time left for Aiba’s clinging. Seeing another boy receiving her attention stung worse than just being ignored on his own.
He tried to make up for it in school, being affable and entertaining. It took his mind off of things and his classmates responded well, showing him the laughing faces he craved. Unfortunately, his teachers’ word for this was “class clown” which didn’t help with his family situation.
He had to find another outlet for his need for attention and warmth. An unintentionally helpful friend brought him out to karaoke and discovered that he could SING. After that Aiba got into music in all forms, choosing saxophone to learn and practicing dance when his energetic body wanted to join in on the act.
As long as it kept him out of trouble, his mother approved, but she never encouraged him. He graduated middle school as expected, but that’s when he ran into his biggest problem. His family wanted him to take over the Noodle shop they ran.
He’d helped after school with no complaint, greeted the suppliers that worked with them politely, and he’d thought that had been enough. With his lack of foresight, Aiba hadn’t guessed that he was being groomed. How could someone so disconnected with their family inherit the business? But that was to be his fate, he was told.
For the first time since his father’s death, Aiba took a long time to sequester himself and just think. Yes, he wanted his mother’s approval. But Aiba was no longer a child and he knew that he was never likely to get it even doing everything she wished.
He had no desire to run the shop and in fact, he had a passion for entertaining. So he painfully told them no and left to pursue his dreams. She had only shrugged and said that his younger step-brother could take over in his place, his step-father would be happier that way anyway.
Aiba, talented as he was and endearing to boot, easily found his way into one of the most respected and popular agencies in show business. It may have been a bit tyrannical, but it was undeniably a huge break. Being old to start his training, Aiba had to work hard at everything, but he advanced quickly. After only a few years it was announced that he would be debuting with the rest of a group of 5.
Arashi was born.
While still training, Aiba was known around the agency as a monkey. He was all crazy, slightly accident-prone energy and was partial to meddling in everything. He got to know a majority of the other trainees all in the light, easy, comrade-ish sort of way. Of course he had worked with these four other Arashians before, but he wasn’t well acquainted with them. That changed dramatically.
For the first ten years they grew closer. They learned that Sho was more than a bit dorkily awkward when he tried to be cool, but when he didn’t, that was another matter. This translated into him being pathetic on camera and unbelievably together off-camera.
The most amazing thing was that he was warm-hearted and loyal as a retriever on top of that, no attitude despite having the best education by far. His heart and vision kept them all firmly stuck into a functioning unit despite all of the difficulties they faced over time. He was a true leader if ever there was one.
Ohno was their leader, however, and in some twist of sense, he deserved the title too. Ohno was calm, talented, competent, and charismatic. He just didn’t have the gene for gung-ho excitement unless it involved fishing, even his beloved art being a mellow hobby.
Despite being awe-worthy in terms of being gifted, Ohno was quite adorable too. He was sleepy, soft, and innocently blunt (in a different manner than Aiba though). Still, if you thought he would be submissive, you were sorely mistaken.
If you told him about a problem, he’d lead you around without a chance to get away, headstrong in his opinion of how to solve it. And usually it worked out, although not without some unnecessarily painful moments added in. This was his way of showing his care and it only came out during personal time.
If there was any person who was more tough disguised love, you could only name Nino. Sharp in several ways, intellectually, socially, and verbally, he was the strong older brother. At first glance he was self-absorbed, demanding affection and never bothering to wax romantic about his care for his friends. But that was only the surface.
He teased and bullied, but he would never hurt his friends in any real way and if he found out someone else had, they’d find they’d underestimated the potential of his wrath. More than one nasty prank had been perpetrated on the asshole, fame-obsessed ex-friends of his bandmates. He was small, but he packed the biggest punch and wasn’t afraid to let anyone know it.
Aiba knew he’d had problems with his parents too, he told people on the drop of a hat without flinching after all, but he didn’t moon over it and try to gain pity. He took care of himself thank you very much and come over here so he can put you in a headlock.
The only person who could completely reduce him to his most vulnerable core of sweet childishness was Ohno- although if you looked closely when he was praised by others, you could see the signs.
Last was Jun. Jun was a bundle of nerves, but you’d never see that in his performances. He knew how to hide it and only show the image he was supposed to, the cool distant heartthrob. He worried about every single detail and wanted everything to be neurotically perfect only because Arashi was too important to him.
He was their biggest supporter and if the band ever broke up, it would be over Jun’s dead body. He was the youngest and his fervent dedication was actually rather cute. He could be just as big an attention-hog as Nino, wanting to use someone’s lap for a pillow or considerately doing unasked favors simply for the praise he’d get afterwards.
This left Aiba. Aiba was touched by the awe-inspiring love of their fans. Aiba was moved to tears by a simple hug from his bandmates. He was annoying with his fascination for cock-brained experiments, but his optimism won you over against your will. In the end you couldn’t help but grudgingly admit, if only to yourself, you were glad you went along for the ride.
He was a creature of movement and emotion, but not known for his philosophy. His wisdom came from his heart, not his head. This was Aiba to Arashi. All true, but missing that one important element. Even if Aiba was broken, he was whole as part of Arashi. This didn’t erase the problem, but it did do a great deal to patch it up.
Not too long after they had debuted, Aiba collapsed a lung during a video filming and had to be rushed to the hospital. He could have died. The agency contacted his family, but when he woke from the surgery, his bandmates were the ones waiting there, having canceled countless appointments until they were sure he was fine.
He hadn’t expected his mother to come, he really hadn’t. The concern of his bandmates was touching enough to make up his family’s part. But there was still a gap in his heart.
After that he wasn’t allowed to play saxophone anymore. For some reason this brought home the feeling of having burdened his bandmates more than anything else. He forgave himself eventually for having caused such problems since he couldn’t help his body’s decisions, but he never quite lost the echo of that feeling. He didn’t want to become a true burden for Arashi EVER.
Impressionable as he was, Aiba had image issues. Free-spirited as he tended to be, this might not be intuitive, but that didn’t stop him from worrying. Idols needed to be fit. They needed to be sexy, and angular, and not have that slight bulge under their chin.
It might have gone a bad direction, but Nino caught on early and boxed his ears. It was more of a burden to develop an eating disorder than to have that healthy bulge. He was still sexy anyway, Nino told him, but not as hot as Nino himself.
Ohno happened to overhear and agree and Nino blushed crimson. A reassured Aiba discovered the concept of homosexuality then and after considering, he decided that it made no difference to his match-making hobbies. It wasn’t long before those two were secretly dating. Although everyone in Arashi knew of course.
The last year of their career had been a bit different thus far. Having navigated the pitfalls of the entertainment industry and in their own youths, they had finally reached a golden mature popularity.
Everyone was busier than ever before, especially working on solo projects rather than group ones. It was independence. They went out with co-stars more than with each other, but if reunited, they were secure in the knowledge that Arashi’s bond wouldn’t have lessened at all. It was a beautiful thing.
Aiba told himself he was happy with everything in its current state. He wasn’t losing touch with his certainty that Arashi was a forever thing. The fact that his bandmates spent time with other people more than him didn’t rankle and make him wonder.
He threw himself headfirst into work and came out with a broken arm. Nino whacked him on the head in passing and Jun lamented the lost functionality over dinner when they met up one night. Aiba knew he had managed to injure himself again and this time it was his fault. Thankfully he didn’t need his arm so much for variety shows. Sho made time to come see him and give him a book of jokes about broken limbs. Who knew they had such things?
Life went on. The longer Aiba was away from Arashi, the less able he was to distract himself from his loneliness. Not that he walled himself off from people, but Arashi were the only ones he’d been around for so long that they had just learned and accepted everything about him. They were the only ones that he could feel comfortable with in any situation.
It had been so long since he’d fully focused on the uneasiness he felt in his heart about his relationships. He decided it was time to stop waiting for them to come to him and go visit his family again.
Aiba called Jun before he went to ask advice. Really Nino would have been just as useful if not more, but Jun was easier to talk to about this stuff. He listened earnestly and was gently encouraging. Most of all, he wouldn’t threaten to go beat up your long-estranged family for you.
It was all but disaster. His mother hadn’t been following his career at all, it was obvious. She smiled wanly and told him it was good to be so successful and wasn’t it his duty to take care of his mother in her old age? He told himself he hadn’t expected more. He always told himself.
He’d never been close to his step-brother and the boy barely remembered him anymore. Being more than 10 years since he left, it had been over half the boy’s life. He was currently in the process of learning the management of the shop from the father who had never been Aiba’s father.
At almost 3 in the morning Aiba showed up at Jun’s apartment to say 'Hi!' after having come back from Chiba earlier than he’d planned. Jun asked what happened and Aiba told the tale matter-of-factly and then they talked about anything for a while. They slept in the same bed that night and when Aiba woke up the next morning, he kissed Jun. Jun didn’t mind.
Aiba and Jun dated when they had half a chance. Since Aiba was less busy, he memorized Jun’s schedule and showed up at his work just to watch whenever possible. When he couldn’t, he texted and called to talk to Jun’s voicemail because he had his cell on silent to avoid interruption.
Once in a blue moon they got to meet up for the night and not long after the first kiss, they had sex. Aiba decided there was something to this homosexual thing after all. He should have investigated earlier. And now he thought he might love the younger man.
That wasn’t Jun’s point of view though. He was more concerned with 'Why will Aiba never leave me alone for two seconds?' They had a nice thing going, it was fun and it felt good.
But despite all of his warm-hearted affection, Jun was a lady’s man. He didn’t get deep into every relationship he started. And he couldn’t deal with someone in his business all the time. He should have told Aiba this in a better way, he knew. He regretted it after the stress of his drama and other compounded work made him too snappy. It was awkward and he didn’t know how to approach Aiba after that.
Being the one who’d always acted as the mediator, Sho had kept an eye on the situation. When Ohno and Nino were off in their own world, not even aware the other two had started dating much less that they’d now stopped, Sho knew. He didn’t blame Jun and they had a few talks until Jun could gather the courage to smooth things over properly with Aiba.
He checked on Aiba and found the man to be surprisingly resilient and forgiving. All was well as far as they could see. Sho still called him more often than usual, sensing somehow that there was something a bit off.
Inside Aiba was a wreck. He’d never been so upset that he couldn’t distract himself before. It had been so stupid to try to have a romance with another member of Arashi. They were his most important friends and now he’d caused problems for Jun and possibly made that relationship awkward for a long time.
He got through the days because they were jam-packed, he made them more-so when there was a gap in his schedule. He needed to be occupied so he didn’t bring everyone down with his bad mood. But when he was at home, he had problems. He lived alone. He was alone.
And like a ray of sunshine, their new single was released, the first in several months. He’d get to spend time with the whole group again. He and Jun were stiff, but still friendly. They’d get over it eventually. Surely.
Nino confronted him about his weight again. His weight? Whoops. Aiba hadn’t purposefully lost weight, but he tended to get dazed when he was home lately and he forgot to eat meals on occasion. Sho saw the argument start and went over to rescue Aiba from Nino, bringing Ohno along to drag the aggressive member away from their puppy-dog bandmate.
Sho took his prisoner to talk. He finally found out about the start of the relationship, information he had been lacking and consequently about the trip home. Aiba explained it matter-of-factly and Sho demanded that he cry. So he did. They sat in a stairwell for a while, Sho rubbing Aiba’s back and letting him cry into his shirt. Nino dropped by later to force-feed him a bento after he’d calmed down.
After that Sho pried more than he ever had before. He’d finally put his finger on something that had been off about Aiba for a while and he wanted to follow through on his growing suspicions.
He and Aiba talked a lot, during work, on the phone, at Aiba’s apartment, at his. He learned the story behind Aiba’s childhood and marveled at how such a great person could still be here in front of him as he was. How he even managed to make it here at all.
When Sho realized he’d fallen for Aiba, it wasn’t a huge shock. He didn’t date much, but he knew about his sexuality. Arashi seemed to be predisposed to liking men anyway. No, Sho didn’t date much because of his serious, earnest nature, but he was utterly committed when he did. He’d been with Aiba for ten years and he was sure of his feelings.
At first Aiba was wary of getting into another relationship with a bandmate, but Sho won him over patiently, understanding he needed to obtain Aiba’s trust first.
Aiba gave in to the chemistry and the gentle patience eventually. Where Aiba had been the one who put the effort into his relationship with Jun, Sho wanted to be the one to take care of him this time. When he caught another one of his numerous flus, Sho was there, fixing him soup and going out to buy medicine.
When Aiba needed to learn lines- something he was atrocious at- Sho did his best to assist although memory wasn’t his strong suit either. Aiba reciprocated by being Aiba- disaster, energy, affection and all. They were a comfortable couple all said.
It was only after two years of this that Aiba had a light bulb moment. One day during an embarrassing quiz show about love and all of its characteristics, Aiba was staving off boredom (Sho had told him this was a dangerous thing for others while he was working or …basically ever) by trying to think of examples in his own life that matched the clichés in the game.
“I’m in love!” he yelled excitedly, interrupting the hosts and utterly amusing the audience. They had a good laugh, but when he refused to elaborate, they moved the show along.
Later on, he took some time to think again. He hadn’t noticed that he was in love at all. It was so silly since love was the type of thing you should know right away.
Maybe he hadn’t recognized it because it had been so long- maybe his whole life- since he felt so undeniably sure that someone loved him. It had become safe to love and to expect to be loved again. He told Sho when he got home that night and they laughed happily.
It was almost another year before they held a party of their select friends and family to celebrate their love. They couldn’t get married, but Sho had still proposed forever. Sho’s parents and siblings were among the guests, not minding at all that their son was with a man. Aiba could honestly say that he didn’t even notice his family never showed up that day.
You couldn’t say Aiba was healed. After being broken so early, there was no way that could ever happen. He could trust Sho now, but it was tenuous. If Sho ever did something that could even just be misunderstood as unfaithful everything would probably end. And Aiba still didn’t trust anyone else completely. Arashi more than any other, but not completely.
You couldn’t say he was healed, but was that the important thing? In his crazy career, Aiba had learned that there was never an end to the new jobs that showed up, pressing him to learn horseback riding or other skills to keep up. As long as things kept going, as long as he had the opportunity to improve and live his life to the fullest, then that was fine.
Being healed or never broken would be better, but having Sho hold the pieces together for him, a permanent human superglue, that was okay too.
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