FIC: A Priori, Epilogue & Endnotes
Title: A Priori, Epilogue & Endnotes
Author: memphis86
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 17,672 overall, 1,723 this part
Part 1|| Part 2|| Part 3||Epilogue & Notes
Epilogue:
David isn't Sam.
David actually makes a pretty lousy Sammy to begin with. There's no built-in angst or pathos. Or if there was any? He probably forgot about it. He forgets things pretty easily.
Their apartment is littered with half-empty cups of water because David forgets he already has one when he gets thirsty. Sometimes they watch TV on the couch and Dean puts himself in charge of food and water. If David even tries to get up he thrusts both in his face and he smiles sheepishly and sits back down and kisses Dean on the cheek. Sometimes Dean likes to mess with him a tiny bit and ask him what he just ate; and when David shrugs, Dean reminds him by letting him taste it on his tongue.
He sometimes forgets where he's going and winds up taking the most ass-backwards walks around the neighborhood. He finds the best little Indian restaurant and it's right near a payphone that lets you into a secret bar in the cellar below. Dean likes these little discoveries and forgives the fact that he goes missing for hours at a time.
David asks questions over and over until he can remember the answer. Dean has learned the appropriate reaction to being asked the time twice is not to mock him, no "Same time it was 10 seconds ago, duh!" Just to say it again and hope it sticks.
The thing is that David doesn't realize he's asking the same question over and forgetting the answer most of the times; and the times he does he gets embarrassed, grabs his head and looks horrified. Dean has to calm him down and make him forget about being upset with kisses and promises of dirty sexual favors in the car when they're driving.
The people at work think David has OCD, the few of them that can put the eye and the brain thing together get that he was in some kind of accident. He's brilliant and always willing to help others so nobody cares. He's careful and never forgets important things. Though occasionally two identical files will be created when only one is necessary. His boss laughs with Dean at the Christmas party and says that he's a human copy machine.
David is nervous and anxious rather then moody and melancholy. David smiles with reckless abandon and does these little boyfriendly things for Dean that put him on edge. Like the hand-holding and movie nights when David sits through whatever gorefest Dean wants even though he hates it. The random appearance of flowers on the table and David's just too goddamn at ease being his lover.
David expects him to remember the anniversary of the day they met and he can't. David huffs and makes disappointed sounds but Dean thinks I was there when you were fucking born, smartass. You were covered in goo.
It's still Sam, it still pricks his skin when they touch and it's still wrong wrong wrong…
Dean bites back his name as much as he could but then one time he slips and says "Sammy did you get the mail?"
David is so fucking understanding and asks him if he needs to talk about it. If Dean wants to share. He says it's okay for Dean to miss Sam, he knows his family meant a lot to him.
Dean fucks him so hard that night but he's the one with tears in his eyes. It's not Sam he's fucking.
Not that he isn't crazy about David. He'll never, ever say it, but he's in love with David. In a crazy, wrong, head-over-heels in love with the guy that doesn't remember he's your brother kind of way.
Dean knows he's selfish. He's always called Sam the brat but really, he's the selfish one, it didn't stop with the hedonistic pleasures he tried to distract himself with. The sex, the drinking, the thrill of hunting and partying in his off-times. Chicks dig guys with scars and a car like his. But he couldn't leave Sammy alone. Couldn't give him the chance at a normal life, away from him. Had to have him. First he dragged him away from Stanford, and now he's got his claws deeper in him then he ever imagined.
Then he ever thought he could want.
The truth is he wants Sam and he wants David. He wants to mash them together into one person and fuck 'em like crazy. He's the worst kind of person, the kind that keeps someone to themselves, doesn't ever want to share. He can't let the memory of Sam go and he won't give up David either.
And as much as he wants Sam back, he's resisted waking him. He knows the spell will be broken if he shows David a picture of Sam. He can say he's Sam Winchester until he's blue in the face and nothing will happen. He can tell David the whole terrible story, and show him the news reports about Sam's terrible reign of blood and terror across the West Coast and it won't do anything. But all he has to do is whip out a photo of Sammy and bang! He'd be there.
Looking back, Dean never intended for the photo to get into one of Sam's books. He specifically checks them over before he gives them to David. Maybe it slipped his sight, or maybe he subconsciously left it there for him to find.
David's locked himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out. Dean doesn't care for that kind of B.S. because he can totally hear the pain in David's voice and whatever it is, he'll fix it.
He picks the lock and throws the door open, both of Sam's brown eyes stare back at him. Neither of them are saying anything and Dean gets a look at Sam for the first time in over two years. Sam's holding tough, trying not to show that he's trembling against the sink, fear in his eyes. They dart back and forth, scanning Dean, trying to read his expression but Dean isn't showing anything. He's pulled his face tight and bites the inside of his mouth, waiting for Sam or David to make their move.
Finally Dean cracks and grabs him, Sam or David or whoever it is hugs him back just as tight, and he knows this is far from over. Dean's holding him close and thinks that it's his fault. He wished for this, he pushed it; he couldn't leave him the fuck alone.
So he closes his eyes tight and loves both of them with all his strength, hoping it's enough to bring the two together and make one.
end
***
Endnotes:
Unofficial Soundtrack:
Imogen Heap - I'm a Lonely Little Petunia (In An Onion Patch) [Waking up]
Spoon - The Ghost of You Lingers [David/Sam's early struggles]
The Velvet Underground - Stephanie Says [Dean is working on the Impala]
Talking Heads - Psycho Killer [David/Sam sings this in the car]
The Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On [David/Sam drives the Impala]
ELO - Mr. Blue Sky [David/Sam and Dean become friends]
Liz Phair - Big Tall Man [David/Sam has problems with his eyes]
Catherine Wheel - Black Metallic [Sex scene followed by David/Sam saying he loves Dean]
Nico - Julius Caesar (Memento Hodie) [The Cardinal theme]
Feist - Mushaboom [Domestic bliss]
Beck - Farewell Ride [Sam's montage]
Lou Reed - Perfect Day [David remembers he's Sam]
The Walkmen - We've Been Had [Dean's Epilogue theme]
Abra Moore - Happiness [End Credits]
ETA: Download this sucker HERE!
I realized about halfway through that this was probably the closest thing to a soundtrack from a Wes Anderson movie. I like to think that David/Sam was really into anything Lou Reed or David Byrne. I'd like to think that Wes Anderson would approve of Wincest. I like thinking things like that :D
Y'know, it's been weird writing this without saying "Sam". I actually have caught myself typing Sam instead of David a bunch of times. That is probably where the whole "Dean being half asleep and calling him Sammy" scene arose. I just got sick of writing David and I just thought, no, he's thinking about Sam right now, he's always thinking about Sam and he's gonna fuck up a couple of times and say Sammy. Taaa-da.
I renamed Sam "David" because of the biblical connection. The name Sam comes from Samuel, the prophet. Samuel taught David (the future King of Israel), and so that's how my mind worked around that, Sam being the predecessor to David. Or rather, that's what Dean was thinking (he came up with the fake ID/new name for Sammy.) Although he could have just as well been naming him after David Bowie, on account of the eye. Johnson is a far less subtle a reference to their father (he is literally John's Son), Dean and I are being cheeky.
Father Priam's name comes from the fact that he's rather prim and proper. I know Priam was actually a character in the Iliad, but there's no intentional literary connection there. As for Father Anthony, um, I'm being literal here. My father's middle name is Anthony. And if he only knew the kind of story I used his name in, he'd disown me. Well, not actually, but he'd give me shit about it forever and I'd disown him on principle.
This was originally supposed to be infinitely shorter then it is, like Dean was supposed to go see David/Sammy one time, and then never see him again. It was supposed to be short, sweet and painful. I don't know how it got here, but I'm kinda glad it did. Writing big things makes me feel accomplished.
The title refers to the philosophical term for a priori knowledge, which is (in very simple terms--a priori is a loaded term) knowledge that one retains or can have without experience or empirical information. Plato makes claims that we are born with intrinsic knowledge like this. Yes, I was a philosophy major. Yes, I am this pretentious in real life. Yes, I think Socrates is sexy. I am beyond shame when it comes to my intellectual crushes.
Also, the word priori is a homonym for "priory". David spends most of his time in a monastery, which can be considered a type of priory. Yay for puns!
If you made it this far, you totally deserve a cookie.
Author: memphis86
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 17,672 overall, 1,723 this part
Part 1|| Part 2|| Part 3||Epilogue & Notes
Epilogue:
David isn't Sam.
David actually makes a pretty lousy Sammy to begin with. There's no built-in angst or pathos. Or if there was any? He probably forgot about it. He forgets things pretty easily.
Their apartment is littered with half-empty cups of water because David forgets he already has one when he gets thirsty. Sometimes they watch TV on the couch and Dean puts himself in charge of food and water. If David even tries to get up he thrusts both in his face and he smiles sheepishly and sits back down and kisses Dean on the cheek. Sometimes Dean likes to mess with him a tiny bit and ask him what he just ate; and when David shrugs, Dean reminds him by letting him taste it on his tongue.
He sometimes forgets where he's going and winds up taking the most ass-backwards walks around the neighborhood. He finds the best little Indian restaurant and it's right near a payphone that lets you into a secret bar in the cellar below. Dean likes these little discoveries and forgives the fact that he goes missing for hours at a time.
David asks questions over and over until he can remember the answer. Dean has learned the appropriate reaction to being asked the time twice is not to mock him, no "Same time it was 10 seconds ago, duh!" Just to say it again and hope it sticks.
The thing is that David doesn't realize he's asking the same question over and forgetting the answer most of the times; and the times he does he gets embarrassed, grabs his head and looks horrified. Dean has to calm him down and make him forget about being upset with kisses and promises of dirty sexual favors in the car when they're driving.
The people at work think David has OCD, the few of them that can put the eye and the brain thing together get that he was in some kind of accident. He's brilliant and always willing to help others so nobody cares. He's careful and never forgets important things. Though occasionally two identical files will be created when only one is necessary. His boss laughs with Dean at the Christmas party and says that he's a human copy machine.
David is nervous and anxious rather then moody and melancholy. David smiles with reckless abandon and does these little boyfriendly things for Dean that put him on edge. Like the hand-holding and movie nights when David sits through whatever gorefest Dean wants even though he hates it. The random appearance of flowers on the table and David's just too goddamn at ease being his lover.
David expects him to remember the anniversary of the day they met and he can't. David huffs and makes disappointed sounds but Dean thinks I was there when you were fucking born, smartass. You were covered in goo.
It's still Sam, it still pricks his skin when they touch and it's still wrong wrong wrong…
Dean bites back his name as much as he could but then one time he slips and says "Sammy did you get the mail?"
David is so fucking understanding and asks him if he needs to talk about it. If Dean wants to share. He says it's okay for Dean to miss Sam, he knows his family meant a lot to him.
Dean fucks him so hard that night but he's the one with tears in his eyes. It's not Sam he's fucking.
Not that he isn't crazy about David. He'll never, ever say it, but he's in love with David. In a crazy, wrong, head-over-heels in love with the guy that doesn't remember he's your brother kind of way.
Dean knows he's selfish. He's always called Sam the brat but really, he's the selfish one, it didn't stop with the hedonistic pleasures he tried to distract himself with. The sex, the drinking, the thrill of hunting and partying in his off-times. Chicks dig guys with scars and a car like his. But he couldn't leave Sammy alone. Couldn't give him the chance at a normal life, away from him. Had to have him. First he dragged him away from Stanford, and now he's got his claws deeper in him then he ever imagined.
Then he ever thought he could want.
The truth is he wants Sam and he wants David. He wants to mash them together into one person and fuck 'em like crazy. He's the worst kind of person, the kind that keeps someone to themselves, doesn't ever want to share. He can't let the memory of Sam go and he won't give up David either.
And as much as he wants Sam back, he's resisted waking him. He knows the spell will be broken if he shows David a picture of Sam. He can say he's Sam Winchester until he's blue in the face and nothing will happen. He can tell David the whole terrible story, and show him the news reports about Sam's terrible reign of blood and terror across the West Coast and it won't do anything. But all he has to do is whip out a photo of Sammy and bang! He'd be there.
Looking back, Dean never intended for the photo to get into one of Sam's books. He specifically checks them over before he gives them to David. Maybe it slipped his sight, or maybe he subconsciously left it there for him to find.
David's locked himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out. Dean doesn't care for that kind of B.S. because he can totally hear the pain in David's voice and whatever it is, he'll fix it.
He picks the lock and throws the door open, both of Sam's brown eyes stare back at him. Neither of them are saying anything and Dean gets a look at Sam for the first time in over two years. Sam's holding tough, trying not to show that he's trembling against the sink, fear in his eyes. They dart back and forth, scanning Dean, trying to read his expression but Dean isn't showing anything. He's pulled his face tight and bites the inside of his mouth, waiting for Sam or David to make their move.
Finally Dean cracks and grabs him, Sam or David or whoever it is hugs him back just as tight, and he knows this is far from over. Dean's holding him close and thinks that it's his fault. He wished for this, he pushed it; he couldn't leave him the fuck alone.
So he closes his eyes tight and loves both of them with all his strength, hoping it's enough to bring the two together and make one.
end
***
Endnotes:
Unofficial Soundtrack:
Imogen Heap - I'm a Lonely Little Petunia (In An Onion Patch) [Waking up]
Spoon - The Ghost of You Lingers [David/Sam's early struggles]
The Velvet Underground - Stephanie Says [Dean is working on the Impala]
Talking Heads - Psycho Killer [David/Sam sings this in the car]
The Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On [David/Sam drives the Impala]
ELO - Mr. Blue Sky [David/Sam and Dean become friends]
Liz Phair - Big Tall Man [David/Sam has problems with his eyes]
Catherine Wheel - Black Metallic [Sex scene followed by David/Sam saying he loves Dean]
Nico - Julius Caesar (Memento Hodie) [The Cardinal theme]
Feist - Mushaboom [Domestic bliss]
Beck - Farewell Ride [Sam's montage]
Lou Reed - Perfect Day [David remembers he's Sam]
The Walkmen - We've Been Had [Dean's Epilogue theme]
Abra Moore - Happiness [End Credits]
ETA: Download this sucker HERE!
I realized about halfway through that this was probably the closest thing to a soundtrack from a Wes Anderson movie. I like to think that David/Sam was really into anything Lou Reed or David Byrne. I'd like to think that Wes Anderson would approve of Wincest. I like thinking things like that :D
Y'know, it's been weird writing this without saying "Sam". I actually have caught myself typing Sam instead of David a bunch of times. That is probably where the whole "Dean being half asleep and calling him Sammy" scene arose. I just got sick of writing David and I just thought, no, he's thinking about Sam right now, he's always thinking about Sam and he's gonna fuck up a couple of times and say Sammy. Taaa-da.
I renamed Sam "David" because of the biblical connection. The name Sam comes from Samuel, the prophet. Samuel taught David (the future King of Israel), and so that's how my mind worked around that, Sam being the predecessor to David. Or rather, that's what Dean was thinking (he came up with the fake ID/new name for Sammy.) Although he could have just as well been naming him after David Bowie, on account of the eye. Johnson is a far less subtle a reference to their father (he is literally John's Son), Dean and I are being cheeky.
Father Priam's name comes from the fact that he's rather prim and proper. I know Priam was actually a character in the Iliad, but there's no intentional literary connection there. As for Father Anthony, um, I'm being literal here. My father's middle name is Anthony. And if he only knew the kind of story I used his name in, he'd disown me. Well, not actually, but he'd give me shit about it forever and I'd disown him on principle.
This was originally supposed to be infinitely shorter then it is, like Dean was supposed to go see David/Sammy one time, and then never see him again. It was supposed to be short, sweet and painful. I don't know how it got here, but I'm kinda glad it did. Writing big things makes me feel accomplished.
The title refers to the philosophical term for a priori knowledge, which is (in very simple terms--a priori is a loaded term) knowledge that one retains or can have without experience or empirical information. Plato makes claims that we are born with intrinsic knowledge like this. Yes, I was a philosophy major. Yes, I am this pretentious in real life. Yes, I think Socrates is sexy. I am beyond shame when it comes to my intellectual crushes.
Also, the word priori is a homonym for "priory". David spends most of his time in a monastery, which can be considered a type of priory. Yay for puns!
If you made it this far, you totally deserve a cookie.