The Intimacy Meme
The Intimacy Meme
(Shamelessly taken from... all the rest's and modified!)
Intimacy is the glue of any relationship, albeit romantic or friendship. It's getting to the root of humanity, and expanding upon ourselves and letting others in.
Rules:
1. Post with your character.
2. Go to rng and roll from 1-6.
3. Post to others.
4. Profit
Scenes:
1. First Kiss. ( Read more... )
(Shamelessly taken from... all the rest's and modified!)
Intimacy is the glue of any relationship, albeit romantic or friendship. It's getting to the root of humanity, and expanding upon ourselves and letting others in.
Rules:
1. Post with your character.
2. Go to rng and roll from 1-6.
3. Post to others.
4. Profit
Scenes:
1. First Kiss. ( Read more... )
Of course, Dean has no idea that Cas is the one who let Sam out of that room. Knowing that might change the way he views the former angel. Or it might change nothing. Not like either of them could fix anything anymore. They just had to keep going, hoping that something good would come out of this mess.]
That's real kind of you, Cas. Real considerate. So you figure you'll drink my good whiskey instead? Just make sure you're not mixin' shit that shouldn't be mixed. Last thing you need.
[That's about as much concern as Dean is willing to show outwardly, but he'd be lying if he said he doesn't worry that Cas is going to mix the wrong things and wind up dead. He's not really an angel anymore and Dean's pretty scared of the day he walks into Cas' cabin and Cas won't wake up, not that Cas needs to know that. He might take it the ( ... )
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[Dean doesn't even know enough to think about all the other shit that could be waiting down in hell. The demons and the torture he'd gone through were more than enough to terrify him in a way that no amount of posturing and emotional avoidance could totally clamp down on. He knows he'll always be afraid of going back there. He knows he'd break faster this time and then it would just be a matter of time before he becomes a monster himself.]
Of course you.
[Dean squeezes Cas' thigh.] After everything we've been through, you really think I never had faith in you? You were the only angel who ever cared about any of us. Who the fuck else was I gonna have any faith in? You always came through for us, even when it took a little while. Hell, you died trying to help me stop Lucifer from getting out. It was very... Winchester.
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Pretty much, but not quite. I think when I check out this time, it's for good.
[He shrugs.]
It's not something I like to think about
[That's probably the understatement of the century, actually. It's one of those thoughts that once it creeps in, has him making a grab for the nearest illicit substance... Like now; he reaches for the bottle, takes a long pull before placing it down again. None of that, tonight.
He really thinks Dean's giving him a lot more credit than he deserves, considering he's the one who let Sam out... But Dean doesn't know that, and Cas means to see to it that he never does.
Very Winchester, though... That tickles him, mostly because it's true.]
All that tells me is that you're a terrible influence.
[It's fond, not biting- he wouldn't have it any other way.]
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[Dean can't even make himself ask any of the questions he wants to ask. Why would Cas give up so much for him? He's not worth it. None of it is worth that. The idea that Cas will just... stop, it's wrong. Dean can't even wrap his head around that and there's nothing he can do to fix it.
He grabs for the bottle when Cas is done, taking his own long drink. If anyone in that camp belongs in Heaven after everything they've done, it's Cas.]
I'm a terrible influence. Look what I do to everything.
[Really, Dean fucks up everything he touches, but the fact that he could turn a devout angel into a drug-dependent fake new-age spiritual guru is kind of his crowning achievement as far as breaking things goes. Cas would have been better off if he'd never met Dean and Dean holds no illusions about that. He would still be an angel and he'd still be up in Heaven, not down here in the mud, thinking that when he dies, he'll just stop existing.]
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He doesn't want that in the same way Anna didn't want that... Aside from a few exceptional occasions, anyway. Breaking his foot? Yeah, that first week he'd regretted pretty much everything. Spending millennia being immune to most injury tends to make a person pretty unprepared for that kind of pain.
He'd take ceasing to exist over returning to the way things were... Maybe. Hell, he has no idea what he wants; frankly, all of the options seem shitty in their own way.
The liquor is settling over his brain, a heavy fog that's trying its very best to keep him from spiraling even further into self-loathing, self pity... It's working, sort of. He still has the presence of mind to make a face at Dean.]
You know people make their own choices, right? That not every stupid thing everyone does is your fault?
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Worse, the idea that his actions could have lead to Cas ceasing to exist are the worst. Cas left behind everything for him and now he might not even get a normal human afterlife after all that? Just another thing Dean fucked up.]
I know that I've caused some people close to me to make some pretty bad ones. That's all I know.
[Everyone who had ever meant anything to him had made terrible choices, whether to save him or as a result of his actions. It was always his fault when these things happened.]
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Other people's choices aren't your fault. They're choices, Dean. That's the point.
[He runs a hand through his hair.]
I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't blame you for my choice to stay here. You're not responsible for me. I'm serious, you can just drop that right here.
[It probably comes out a bit sharper than he means it to, but... Tough. It's important. It pisses him off that Dean doesn't seem to grasp the fact that whatever he's done, whatever choices he's made were his to make. Sure, he may have been influenced by certain things, certain people, but in the end he'd had a choice, and he'd made it. And that's on him, and no one else. He'd given up Heaven; he's earned that right, even if he isn't sure it's what he'd wanted in the first place.]
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Yeah, no shit. If it were up to me, you'd've left me here and gotten the fuck out of Dodge.
[It's harsh, but it's true. If he had known how, he would have forced Cas back to Heaven before it closed its doors. It would have sucked, probably for both of them, but at least he'd know Cas was safe and not facing a short, shitty lifetime of whatever this is.]
You made the wrong choice, Cas. You shouldn't be here and you can't expect me not to feel responsible for that. It's all been going to shit since the minute I asked you to help me in that stupid doorless room and you know it.
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Yeah, well, you're stuck with me now. Deal with it.
["Sucked" would have been an understatement. He'd have done anything in his power to return to Earth, and when he finally managed? He'd have been pissed.
He sighs and rubs his eyes, suddenly exhausted. Or maybe it's just the liquor hitting him. Either way, his shoulders slump somewhat as he reaches for that bottle. He's not even going to dignify 'wrong choice' with a response; they've been over that more times than he can count starting from the second Dean'd caught on to the fact that Heaven was gone but Cas was still hanging around.]
I don't expect anything, I just wish you wouldn't.
[He brings the bottle to his lips, taking a long pull of whiskey and leaning against the railing heavily.]
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That's not what I meant, Cas. It's not like I don't want you around.
[He realized that his hand was still resting on Cas' thigh, has been this whole time, and he squeezed it reassuringly. This was more emotion than he was used to letting himself have anymore and it was starting to be too much.]
I'm just...
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My feelings are intact, not to worry.
[Dean's hand squeezes against his thigh and the muscles jump under the slight pressure; Cas had almost forgotten his hand was there. He's not sure if it's the drink or just the fact that he's comfortable enough with Dean to not always be watching where his hands are... Supposes it doesn't matter, really.]
Tired?
[Cas is pretty exhausted, pretty damn tired of everything... He imagines it's probably worse for Dean. Sluggishly, he picks his hand up and rests it at Dean's shoulder.]
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He bows his head and sighs, leaning into the hand on his shoulder. There are not a lot of people around who would just touch him like that anymore. It almost makes him feel human again, which isn't really something he can afford, but he still clings to it at times like this.]
I can't sleep.
[His nightmares have been getting steadily worse lately. He's not sure if anyone else has noticed, but he's running on less and less sleep by the day. He knows at least Cas can understand. Cas knows what Dean dreams about. He's seen it.
Every time Dean closes his eyes, he's back in Hell, torturing souls and enjoying it.]
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Nightmares?
[He has noticed, it's hard not to with the bags under his eyes and the way his shoulders seem to sag more and more... And the temper. That's always a giveaway that something's not right.]
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Sometimes it's scary how easy you can read me, you know? It's like you're still all mojoed up or something.
[Dean just wants a night's sleep more than anything. Five or six hours would be golden, because lately, he's lucky to manage two before the dreams set in and he always wakes up, sweaty and panting with his heart racing. It's not really possibly to go back to sleep after that, at least not for him.]
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Believe me, if I still had my mojo, you'd know. I wouldn't hold out on you.
[Cas can't imagine those dreams going away any time soon, especially now that it feels like Hell's followed them up here.]
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I know, man. You've never done it before.
[The dreams have actually gotten worse since he started to torture again and he wasn't entirely sure how much longer he could even go on like this. Sometimes he felt like just driving the proverbial bus off a cliff with all of them inside.]
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