The Intimacy Meme
The Intimacy Meme
(Shamelessly taken from... all the rest's and modified!)
Intimacy is the glue of any relationship, albeit romantic or friendship. It's getting to the root of humanity, and expanding upon ourselves and letting others in.
Rules:
1. Post with your character.
2. Go to rng and roll from 1-6.
3. Post to others.
4. Profit
Scenes:
1. First Kiss. ( Read more... )
(Shamelessly taken from... all the rest's and modified!)
Intimacy is the glue of any relationship, albeit romantic or friendship. It's getting to the root of humanity, and expanding upon ourselves and letting others in.
Rules:
1. Post with your character.
2. Go to rng and roll from 1-6.
3. Post to others.
4. Profit
Scenes:
1. First Kiss. ( Read more... )
[Of all the things he could be hoarding in his cabin, chick peas are at the very bottom of the list. Nah, he doesn't really hoard much, drugs excluded of couse. Sure, he'll pass on most of what he finds, but he most certainly snags a few for himself and ferrets them away somewhere for a rainy day.
He doesn't wait for an invitation. He knows better than to expect one and so he just makes himself at home, dropping down onto the top step next to Dean, leaning against the railing slightly. He studies his friend's profile in that way that he hasn't quite broken himself of yet, with an intensity that's gone from almost every other aspect of his personality. Cas is decidedly not among those who hold Dean personally responsible for every death and failed mission... Though he's aware they exist. No, he knows Dean, and he knows that despite his extremely unpleasant demeanor and lack of outward concern, those deaths weigh on him ( ... )
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Cas listens because he knows, most of the time, Dean's right. Sure there have been occasions when he hasn't been so sure- and he'd had no problem voicing those concerns- but for the most part? It's a good bet that if something is risky or dangerous, it's a necessity. He trusts Dean not to put anyone in harm's way unless there's no way around it. That's why he listens.
Usually.]
You're not alone in that.
[He reaches for the bottle once Dean's set it down, rolls it over in his hands before taking a drink as he considers that question.]Blind faith is in my nature, I suppose ( ... )
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Can you even--can you wind up there?
[The idea of Cas there leaves Dean's stomach cold. He can't let that happen.
He shakes his head.] Man, I have never had faith in anyone, forget blind faith, 'cept maybe you and--[He isn't going to say his name.
The mutual pity-fest he and Cas have going on is kind of pathetic, but at least Cas deserves it. He's lost so much and for what?
Dean steals the bottle back.]
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[As far as he's aware... Although, given his track record, it's possible he could be the exception. He shivers involuntarily at the thought of what would happen to bits of an angel in hell... If he were sent downstairs, well... Some of his brothers are down there, the handful that had sided with Lucifer during the first big family schism, and he does not relish the idea of meeting up with them. They'd probably hate him even more than the angels that had left with Michael- not only did he forsake heaven, he'd sided with the humans, the creatures those angels had loathed the most. He doesn't imagine that'd go over too well...
Suddenly, the prospect of checking out for good after this doesn't seem quite as bad.]
Me?
[That's unexpected. He can't understand why, he'd been nothing if not fickle and inconsistent in his dealings with Dean for much of the time they'd known each other, and prior to his fall he'd probably have been appalled that Dean'd placed ( ... )
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[Dean doesn't even know enough to think about all the other shit that could be waiting down in hell. The demons and the torture he'd gone through were more than enough to terrify him in a way that no amount of posturing and emotional avoidance could totally clamp down on. He knows he'll always be afraid of going back there. He knows he'd break faster this time and then it would just be a matter of time before he becomes a monster himself.]
Of course you.
[Dean squeezes Cas' thigh.] After everything we've been through, you really think I never had faith in you? You were the only angel who ever cared about any of us. Who the fuck else was I gonna have any faith in? You always came through for us, even when it took a little while. Hell, you died trying to help me stop Lucifer from getting out. It was very... Winchester.
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Pretty much, but not quite. I think when I check out this time, it's for good.
[He shrugs.]
It's not something I like to think about
[That's probably the understatement of the century, actually. It's one of those thoughts that once it creeps in, has him making a grab for the nearest illicit substance... Like now; he reaches for the bottle, takes a long pull before placing it down again. None of that, tonight.
He really thinks Dean's giving him a lot more credit than he deserves, considering he's the one who let Sam out... But Dean doesn't know that, and Cas means to see to it that he never does.
Very Winchester, though... That tickles him, mostly because it's true.]
All that tells me is that you're a terrible influence.
[It's fond, not biting- he wouldn't have it any other way.]
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[Dean can't even make himself ask any of the questions he wants to ask. Why would Cas give up so much for him? He's not worth it. None of it is worth that. The idea that Cas will just... stop, it's wrong. Dean can't even wrap his head around that and there's nothing he can do to fix it.
He grabs for the bottle when Cas is done, taking his own long drink. If anyone in that camp belongs in Heaven after everything they've done, it's Cas.]
I'm a terrible influence. Look what I do to everything.
[Really, Dean fucks up everything he touches, but the fact that he could turn a devout angel into a drug-dependent fake new-age spiritual guru is kind of his crowning achievement as far as breaking things goes. Cas would have been better off if he'd never met Dean and Dean holds no illusions about that. He would still be an angel and he'd still be up in Heaven, not down here in the mud, thinking that when he dies, he'll just stop existing.]
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He doesn't want that in the same way Anna didn't want that... Aside from a few exceptional occasions, anyway. Breaking his foot? Yeah, that first week he'd regretted pretty much everything. Spending millennia being immune to most injury tends to make a person pretty unprepared for that kind of pain.
He'd take ceasing to exist over returning to the way things were... Maybe. Hell, he has no idea what he wants; frankly, all of the options seem shitty in their own way.
The liquor is settling over his brain, a heavy fog that's trying its very best to keep him from spiraling even further into self-loathing, self pity... It's working, sort of. He still has the presence of mind to make a face at Dean.]
You know people make their own choices, right? That not every stupid thing everyone does is your fault?
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Worse, the idea that his actions could have lead to Cas ceasing to exist are the worst. Cas left behind everything for him and now he might not even get a normal human afterlife after all that? Just another thing Dean fucked up.]
I know that I've caused some people close to me to make some pretty bad ones. That's all I know.
[Everyone who had ever meant anything to him had made terrible choices, whether to save him or as a result of his actions. It was always his fault when these things happened.]
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Other people's choices aren't your fault. They're choices, Dean. That's the point.
[He runs a hand through his hair.]
I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't blame you for my choice to stay here. You're not responsible for me. I'm serious, you can just drop that right here.
[It probably comes out a bit sharper than he means it to, but... Tough. It's important. It pisses him off that Dean doesn't seem to grasp the fact that whatever he's done, whatever choices he's made were his to make. Sure, he may have been influenced by certain things, certain people, but in the end he'd had a choice, and he'd made it. And that's on him, and no one else. He'd given up Heaven; he's earned that right, even if he isn't sure it's what he'd wanted in the first place.]
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Yeah, no shit. If it were up to me, you'd've left me here and gotten the fuck out of Dodge.
[It's harsh, but it's true. If he had known how, he would have forced Cas back to Heaven before it closed its doors. It would have sucked, probably for both of them, but at least he'd know Cas was safe and not facing a short, shitty lifetime of whatever this is.]
You made the wrong choice, Cas. You shouldn't be here and you can't expect me not to feel responsible for that. It's all been going to shit since the minute I asked you to help me in that stupid doorless room and you know it.
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Yeah, well, you're stuck with me now. Deal with it.
["Sucked" would have been an understatement. He'd have done anything in his power to return to Earth, and when he finally managed? He'd have been pissed.
He sighs and rubs his eyes, suddenly exhausted. Or maybe it's just the liquor hitting him. Either way, his shoulders slump somewhat as he reaches for that bottle. He's not even going to dignify 'wrong choice' with a response; they've been over that more times than he can count starting from the second Dean'd caught on to the fact that Heaven was gone but Cas was still hanging around.]
I don't expect anything, I just wish you wouldn't.
[He brings the bottle to his lips, taking a long pull of whiskey and leaning against the railing heavily.]
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That's not what I meant, Cas. It's not like I don't want you around.
[He realized that his hand was still resting on Cas' thigh, has been this whole time, and he squeezed it reassuringly. This was more emotion than he was used to letting himself have anymore and it was starting to be too much.]
I'm just...
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My feelings are intact, not to worry.
[Dean's hand squeezes against his thigh and the muscles jump under the slight pressure; Cas had almost forgotten his hand was there. He's not sure if it's the drink or just the fact that he's comfortable enough with Dean to not always be watching where his hands are... Supposes it doesn't matter, really.]
Tired?
[Cas is pretty exhausted, pretty damn tired of everything... He imagines it's probably worse for Dean. Sluggishly, he picks his hand up and rests it at Dean's shoulder.]
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He bows his head and sighs, leaning into the hand on his shoulder. There are not a lot of people around who would just touch him like that anymore. It almost makes him feel human again, which isn't really something he can afford, but he still clings to it at times like this.]
I can't sleep.
[His nightmares have been getting steadily worse lately. He's not sure if anyone else has noticed, but he's running on less and less sleep by the day. He knows at least Cas can understand. Cas knows what Dean dreams about. He's seen it.
Every time Dean closes his eyes, he's back in Hell, torturing souls and enjoying it.]
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Nightmares?
[He has noticed, it's hard not to with the bags under his eyes and the way his shoulders seem to sag more and more... And the temper. That's always a giveaway that something's not right.]
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