10 and maybe 14?!selfdeludedAugust 1 2011, 19:04:52 UTC
[It seems like it's been a long while since the night that Allen left Chase's room. Even slightly longer since Allen and Chase actually looked at each other.
So maybe it's odd, that when Allen finally ended up seeing him again, even just walking down the hall, his fist instinct was to quickly catch up and grab his hand. He had no right to, of course; he'd been the one to leave, even if Chase had sort of left first. But still...
...It doesn't stop him from doing exactly as the urge says, and tangling their fingers together once he's got Chase's hand in his.
Hopefully Chase wouldn't be mad. ....Allen still wasn't really sure of what to say to him.]
omai. Going to lead him somewhere Allen?rabbitwithwingsAugust 1 2011, 19:13:25 UTC
[Allen wasn't alone in feeling that it had a long, long time since they had a chance to talks properly. They just both kept avoiding one another to keep from hurting the other again, and really it didn't solve anything in the end.
Chase had let him leave, he could have fought and asked him to stay but he knew Allen wouldn't be happy if he had. Not with his heart elsewhere. And in the end Chase wouldn't have been happy either.
He starts and stops walking when he feels a hand suddenly in his own, fingers tangled in a lovers hold. A glance down shows it's a familiar hand, one he held this same way all that time ago (so it seems to him). But still, it could be any Allen that mistook him for their own, though how they could have missed the height difference is beyond him. So he looks up at the face of the one that has his hand, heart breaking and hardening at the same time.
Chase starts to pull his hand free.] What is it, Allen? [His tone polite, not at all forced, but still somewhat...distant.]
YOU NEVER KNOWselfdeludedAugust 1 2011, 19:25:51 UTC
[Chase will see it in his face that Allen can hear the cracks in his heart splitting open and then cementing themselves shut over again; the slight, almost pained flash that flits across his features. But for the most part, Allen isn't looking at Chase. He almost seems a little ashamed, though for what is anyone's guess. For leaving, maybe; for considering staying in the first place.
Instead, he's looking at their hands. And his hold on Chase's tightens briefly, before he decides to just let go of it.
...all this time, and he still didn't know what to say. What would possibly make it better for either of them?]
[He has to do it, though he suddenly feels worse when he sees Allen's expression as it happens. Chase doesn't want to keep going through the heartbreak of seeing Allen and watching him leave again, the only way to do that is to shut himself off. He still loves Allen, that sound is hard to cover up, breaking free of the muffling of the wall every now and again. Still as strong as it had been during that week. Especially when Allen holds tighter onto his hand and hides away again when he lets go.
They still haven't had enough time to figure things out. Not with all the busy things happening in Allen's life and Chase working too hard to avoid thinking about it.]
Still cranky, but she still eats and sleeps normally. [Putting his hands in his pockets.]
[It's like a flower deprived of sunlight. The minute it's pushed into the light, it begins to bloom again, but pull it out of the sun and it will wither just as quickly. That's what the wall sounds like to Allen with all the little breaks in it.
Allen wouldn't know when enough time would be, though, and he's made no progress at all in figuring it out. What would happen if he waited too long, and then how Chase felt was just-- gone? So damn quickly and without warning that neither of them ever truly got to make a decision on anything. Just like the magic in that week had gone.
...Maybe some of his abandonment issues were playing into that fear. But it's not like Allen would realize that.]
Can I... [his gaze lingers on Chase's pocket for a moment before he finally tears his gaze away, instead glancing up at the Crow's face.] Can I see her soon?
[It's not like the love that he had for Aiden, theirs had a much stronger foundation than the first time he let his heart out. He'll still love Allen but after a few months, six or so, he'll let it fall out of his mind. It'll still be there but so quiet that it would be hard to tell if he loved Allen as family or as a partner. Quiet enough that it won't hurt each time he sees Allen. But with enough nudging or pulling it could always be brought back out again.
Raising an eyebrow at him, confused.] Of course you can see her, you don't have to ask. [He'll just shut himself in his work space or go out to the gym while they're together. Avoid any scenes that would make him hurt more.]
[That's the problem, though. Allen has always lost loved ones, and he's always lost family; to death, to not being wanted, to the cruelty of living in such a temporary home. He's lost them physically to death, and mentally to memory loss, and each time had been terrible. ...He wouldn't know what to do if one day Chase just-- didn't love him anymore. If he lost him emotionally. And that's what it would feel like.]
I know, but... [Would he ever see them together again? Or would Chase just avoid him?
He hesitates, before reaching over and brushing his fingers against Chase's wrist. Softly,] What about you?
[He will! He always will now. It'll just be harder to figure out which love it is over time, if nothing positive happens between them it'll go that way. Especially once he gets past the hurt, he did it once before with Aiden and he can do it again. Even if he sees Allen more frequently than he did Aiden in the end. So until then he'll keep avoiding even though that hurts too, just not as badly.
He doesn't move his wrist away at least.] I can't right now, Allen. [It still hurts too much. Hurt that's easily heard.] I'm sorry.
[At least he can do something to stave off some of the hurt. It's more than Allen can manage right now, though he's working on it too, in his own way. Trying to figure out how to shut down again; he hasn't successfully done it in such a damn long time.
His fingers linger there for a long while, just barely hovering over Chase's pulse. Allen nods though, and he doesn't smile.]
...I still want to. [He missed him. And he wanted Chase to know that. But he wouldn't push things. It was Allen's fault that things were this way, not Chase; so he'd let Chase set the boundaries. Whatever needed to happen for him to be okay.]
[Chase usually finds that meditating helps or simply running laps, but it takes up time that Allen has very little of in the summertime. He makes himself too tired to care and the walls come up more easily. The lingering touch, however innocent it was meant, still makes his heart race a little in that lovesick way before it shuts down again.]
Still want to what, Allen? Be a part of my life? I can't handle that right now. [Glances around to make sure they're alone.] It hurts too much. You can be a part of Seren's, but for now...not mine. [The mask breaks a little, he hates doing this, pushing Allen away like this. He doesn't want to at all and even his words sound reluctant. Chase runs a hand through his hair.] I'm sorry.
[Walking down the hall again, hands at his side. He wants to just hold Allen, he does. Even that would help mend his heart a little, but he won't let himself.]
[Too much time to sleep, not enough time to do something to help himself get over everything. If he does then he loses a good chunk of those few precious hours of the day that he isn't exhausted. He hears that racing though, the way his heartbeat picks up so quickly and then settles down; but it's still there, no matter how briefly, and that's what counts. He watches for a long moment as Chase begins walking away - and then, something odd happens. Something that hasn't happened in a good long while as far as a situation like this goes.
Allen gets angry.
Chase gets maybe ten feet down the hall before Allen quickly catches up with him and grabs his wrist (on the good side), pulling Chase to a stop, though he doesn't move to turn him around.] You said it. You said it before I did, and I said it before you did, so why-- [Slightly jumbled there; but it was true. Allen had said it the first time - and then, the last time they saw each other, Chase had said it first.] If you wanted me to leave, I would leave. [But he could hear it. And
( ... )
[It almost makes you wish it were winter, to make things easier on the vampire at least. It's unfair to him to have to deal with this on top of everything else. The touch had reminded him of better times, the love and rise of the heartbeat still so natural. He hasn't had time to focus on those yet himself.
He's stopped, really he knows better than to try and escape a vampire when he's caught so damn easily. Doesn't even tug on his wrist though he remains facing the way he's going.] I don't want you to leave. But you will anyway, they all do. [Not the only one with abandonment issues, Allen. Though his aren't as bad. Chase looks back over his shoulder at him.] Yes, I still love you, but this won't work Allen. You know it won't. Besides, vampires aren't good at monogamy. [Not to mention the same old, tired argument that he'll always be second.]
[Well, at least when he's asleep it can't bother him as much. That's a nice perk of it, even if it makes his waking hours more difficult.
Especially not an angry vampire, though his anger in these situations always tends to be rather fleeting.] But I didn't leave. [Not when he showed up that day. Not until Chase started ignoring and avoiding him, and even then he'd waited around after.] I wouldn't..
[But it's like I said; that anger is always fleeting, and a moment after Chase looks back at him it starts ebbing out of his expression. Allen grits his teeth instead.
...it's true, though. He knows vampires would be no good at staying with a single person; that he'd be no good at it, couldn't be.
Then, did this mean... no matter what, even if he picked Chase, nothing would work..? What the fuck kind of cruelty was that? It wasn't that he needed something like that, that he was searching for it, but when it happened upon him like this... why didn't he get to keep any of it?] ...I wouldn't leave. [But the rest he can't argue. How was he to know what would and wouldn't work? And he knew monogamy probably wasn't something that he could do.]
[That's true, but there's always his dreams and nightmares. How did he like seeing himself as a bitty-brat from Chase's viewpoint anyway?
He did that because he knew that Allen wouldn't stay. Chase didn't even see the point in trying anyway, even if he had clung to him and hadn't want to let him go come daylight. Even if he hadn't left before dawn he would have left the next night.] But you wouldn't stay the way I wanted. [Yes, he might be a bit selfish with it and honestly Chase could stand to relax his standards of family. But he's lost it so many damn times that all he wants to do is be able to protect it and that means having it with him to do that. And really...looking at it another way, he really should just take what he gets, enjoy family again while he has it. But he can't stand the heartbreak that would come when Allen left him in the end, just like Aiden. Maybe the thought will occur to him someday soon.Chase looks down at the ground in front of him, having turned around to face Allen properly. For a moment he falters, he
( ... )
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So maybe it's odd, that when Allen finally ended up seeing him again, even just walking down the hall, his fist instinct was to quickly catch up and grab his hand. He had no right to, of course; he'd been the one to leave, even if Chase had sort of left first. But still...
...It doesn't stop him from doing exactly as the urge says, and tangling their fingers together once he's got Chase's hand in his.
Hopefully Chase wouldn't be mad. ....Allen still wasn't really sure of what to say to him.]
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Chase had let him leave, he could have fought and asked him to stay but he knew Allen wouldn't be happy if he had. Not with his heart elsewhere. And in the end Chase wouldn't have been happy either.
He starts and stops walking when he feels a hand suddenly in his own, fingers tangled in a lovers hold. A glance down shows it's a familiar hand, one he held this same way all that time ago (so it seems to him). But still, it could be any Allen that mistook him for their own, though how they could have missed the height difference is beyond him. So he looks up at the face of the one that has his hand, heart breaking and hardening at the same time.
Chase starts to pull his hand free.] What is it, Allen? [His tone polite, not at all forced, but still somewhat...distant.]
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Instead, he's looking at their hands. And his hold on Chase's tightens briefly, before he decides to just let go of it.
...all this time, and he still didn't know what to say. What would possibly make it better for either of them?]
...how's Seren?
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They still haven't had enough time to figure things out. Not with all the busy things happening in Allen's life and Chase working too hard to avoid thinking about it.]
Still cranky, but she still eats and sleeps normally. [Putting his hands in his pockets.]
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Allen wouldn't know when enough time would be, though, and he's made no progress at all in figuring it out. What would happen if he waited too long, and then how Chase felt was just-- gone? So damn quickly and without warning that neither of them ever truly got to make a decision on anything. Just like the magic in that week had gone.
...Maybe some of his abandonment issues were playing into that fear. But it's not like Allen would realize that.]
Can I... [his gaze lingers on Chase's pocket for a moment before he finally tears his gaze away, instead glancing up at the Crow's face.] Can I see her soon?
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Raising an eyebrow at him, confused.] Of course you can see her, you don't have to ask. [He'll just shut himself in his work space or go out to the gym while they're together. Avoid any scenes that would make him hurt more.]
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I know, but... [Would he ever see them together again? Or would Chase just avoid him?
He hesitates, before reaching over and brushing his fingers against Chase's wrist. Softly,] What about you?
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He doesn't move his wrist away at least.] I can't right now, Allen. [It still hurts too much. Hurt that's easily heard.] I'm sorry.
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His fingers linger there for a long while, just barely hovering over Chase's pulse. Allen nods though, and he doesn't smile.]
...I still want to. [He missed him. And he wanted Chase to know that. But he wouldn't push things. It was Allen's fault that things were this way, not Chase; so he'd let Chase set the boundaries. Whatever needed to happen for him to be okay.]
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Still want to what, Allen? Be a part of my life? I can't handle that right now. [Glances around to make sure they're alone.] It hurts too much. You can be a part of Seren's, but for now...not mine. [The mask breaks a little, he hates doing this, pushing Allen away like this. He doesn't want to at all and even his words sound reluctant. Chase runs a hand through his hair.] I'm sorry.
[Walking down the hall again, hands at his side. He wants to just hold Allen, he does. Even that would help mend his heart a little, but he won't let himself.]
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Allen gets angry.
Chase gets maybe ten feet down the hall before Allen quickly catches up with him and grabs his wrist (on the good side), pulling Chase to a stop, though he doesn't move to turn him around.] You said it. You said it before I did, and I said it before you did, so why-- [Slightly jumbled there; but it was true. Allen had said it the first time - and then, the last time they saw each other, Chase had said it first.] If you wanted me to leave, I would leave. [But he could hear it. And ( ... )
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He's stopped, really he knows better than to try and escape a vampire when he's caught so damn easily. Doesn't even tug on his wrist though he remains facing the way he's going.] I don't want you to leave. But you will anyway, they all do. [Not the only one with abandonment issues, Allen. Though his aren't as bad. Chase looks back over his shoulder at him.] Yes, I still love you, but this won't work Allen. You know it won't. Besides, vampires aren't good at monogamy. [Not to mention the same old, tired argument that he'll always be second.]
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Especially not an angry vampire, though his anger in these situations always tends to be rather fleeting.] But I didn't leave. [Not when he showed up that day. Not until Chase started ignoring and avoiding him, and even then he'd waited around after.] I wouldn't..
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...it's true, though. He knows vampires would be no good at staying with a single person; that he'd be no good at it, couldn't be.
Then, did this mean... no matter what, even if he picked Chase, nothing would work..? What the fuck kind of cruelty was that? It wasn't that he needed something like that, that he was searching for it, but when it happened upon him like this... why didn't he get to keep any of it?] ...I wouldn't leave. [But the rest he can't argue. How was he to know what would and wouldn't work? And he knew monogamy probably wasn't something that he could do.]
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He did that because he knew that Allen wouldn't stay. Chase didn't even see the point in trying anyway, even if he had clung to him and hadn't want to let him go come daylight. Even if he hadn't left before dawn he would have left the next night.] But you wouldn't stay the way I wanted. [Yes, he might be a bit selfish with it and honestly Chase could stand to relax his standards of family. But he's lost it so many damn times that all he wants to do is be able to protect it and that means having it with him to do that. And really...looking at it another way, he really should just take what he gets, enjoy family again while he has it. But he can't stand the heartbreak that would come when Allen left him in the end, just like Aiden. Maybe the thought will occur to him someday soon.Chase looks down at the ground in front of him, having turned around to face Allen properly. For a moment he falters, he ( ... )
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