I Will Be (1/2)
TITLE: I Will Be (1/2)
AUTHOR: Melificent811
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Slight hints of Callie/Arizona but mainly Callie/Erica
SUMMARY: Inspired by Leona Lewis' song “I Will Be”. Takes place immediately after Callie & Arizona's first kiss. Callie begins to realize where her heart truly lies.
DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
******
(Callie's POV)
Need. Want. Desire. Confusion. Heartache. Release.
As her lips left mine, a whole slew of emotions flooded into my consciousness. What just happened??? I went into the bathroom to find a quiet place to collect myself and then THIS happens. This wonderfully frightening yet utterly beautiful thing caught me completely off guard and all I could think was...
Did this just really happen???
I leaned against the sink and watched in silence as the bathroom door slowly closed behind her… Arizona. What kind of a name is Arizona anyway? I smiled to myself, remembering how her soft lips felt pressed so gallantly against mine. Something deep down inside of me stirred and I could feel the butterflies creep from the pit of my stomach up to my throat. I knew it right then and there that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being kissed by another woman.
Realization suddenly washed over me and all I could think was…
I am SO gay…
I couldn't help but smile and laugh out loud to myself in disbelief. How could I have not seen this before? In a sick and twisted way, you were right. I couldn't "kind of be a lesbian". You knew it way before I even had an inkling that I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't. You saw straight through the facade I had put up for the world to see and knew who I truly was deep down inside.
Now here I am, nearly frozen in disbelief in the bathroom at Joe's bar and all I could think of is the ridiculousness of the situation. No more than eight hours ago, I was telling Mark about my self-proclaimed celibacy.
Celibacy is lonely. Don't spend all your time wondering what you are or who you like or whether it's right for you or wrong for you. Just let yourself be happy. Before you find yourself alone... and celibate.
Now here I am reveling in the aftermath of the most unexpected kiss and deep down inside I knew that even though it felt so amazingly good, it didn't feel quite right. Sure, it turned me on... Sure, it felt wonderful to be given this kind of attention by a beautiful woman - the attention I have been craving since the day that you walked out of my life. Why couldn’t I just let myself “be happy” with this unforeseen turn of events? Ultimately it came down to this...
She wasn't you...
Turning to the mirror, I checked to see if my mascara had left that tell-tale smudge mark below my eyes. I took a deep breath and braced myself to walk past the threshold of the bathroom door and back into the real world. I just needed to leave this place. I needed to find a place to clear my head so I could finally think and sort out this sensory overload.
Walking up to the bar, I could feel her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head. I couldn't decide whether I enjoyed it or if it made me feel uncomfortable so I just threw a few twenties on the bar to cover my tab for the evening and headed to my car. The only place I would feel safe right now would be buried under the covers of my bed.
Making a quick exit from the bar, I got into my car and instantly turned the ignition. My mind was racing a mile an minute and all I sought was the solace of the quiet solitude of my bedroom. In an attempt to drown out my inner voice, I turned the radio onto full blast and navigated my way through the city streets back to the apartment.
I sighed, leaning my head against the arm I had propped against the driver side window sill. My right hand firmly gripped the top of the steering wheel, still set on autopilot back to home. All I could think about was the kiss and all the feelings that it had forced into the surface of my consciousness.
Did I like that kiss because I found the other woman attractive? Was I just craving attention so badly that I convinced myself that it was a pleasurable experience? Could it be that my mind convinced my body for a single millisecond that those were YOUR lips pressed against mine and not Arizona’s? Would I ever be able to stop comparing every woman I find remotely attractive to the woman who had abandoned me?
Arizona was right… I’m upset. I’m damn upset about the cards that the powers that be had thrown into my lap. I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask for my life to reach an utterly beautiful point of bliss before instantly being turned upside down and completely inside out.
Truthfully, I was very flattered by the kiss… and the kind words that she offered while we shared that private moment in the bathroom. For a moment, I could almost feel my confidence come out of hiding. When she said that there were people who were interested… when she SHOWED me that she was interested, a little part of me jumped for joy. Somewhere in this wallowing mess, the Callie Torres that I once was still existed.
None of this changed the fact that I was not over “being upset”… that I’m still not over YOU… My first true love. My Erica.
The epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks falling from the sky. Until now, I didn’t realize why I couldn’t shake this darkness from my soul. All these months, I had been missing something so utterly essential to my life. Through all of the relationships I had in my lifetime I never felt so connected, so complete, till you came along. I thought I had experienced love before but I was wrong. You and I were the real thing…
As I came to this realization, I heard a few familiar piano chords play over the radio. The song felt somewhat familiar but I never really listened to the words until tonight.
There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go
I slowly pulled to a stop as the street light changed into a glowing red. My mind raced over the lyrics that had just blared over my car’s speakers. I sighed… There’s nothing better than the words to a well written sappy love song to express the joys of a soul-fulfilling relationship and the somberness of an ill-fated romance.
I let a single tear trail its way down my cheek and into my lap. After everything that we had been through, I’m not even sure that I could ever find the words or the actions to let you know how much I need you in my life.
I had been stuck so long in my own little bubble of anxiety that I never realized how badly I had been pushing you away. I had convinced myself that I was letting you into the deepest depths of my soul. But in reality, I didn’t... I never realized that I had formed an impregnable fortress around my heart. I never realized how far I had pushed my best friend, my lover, away.
After all I did to you, I can’t believe that I didn’t expect you to push right back.
Now I see that leaving me was the only way that you could show me how badly I had been treating you. You were right to walk away... to throw everything I had done to you right back into my face. You knew that this was the only way I could see the error of my ways. You knew that I could never reach this point of clarity if we kept going the way we were.
As painful as it was going to be, you knew that I had to figure myself out on my own.
I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go
I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything OK
I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me
I took a deep breath and waited in silent anticipation for the light to change to green. This damn song was starting to hit a little too close to home. Still, there was something inside of me, perhaps the masochistic side, that wanted me to continue listening and wallowing in my grief.
Almost from the instant you walked away, I knew that I had let you down. I knew that I had completely screwed up one of the best things that had ever been brought into my life. But it took me this long to realize that I would do ANYTHING to bring back what we had together. I would move the heavens just to show you that if you gave me one more chance, I would never let you go.
As much as I tried to deny it, you completed me...
If you would give me the chance to show you how much these last few months have changed me... how I've grown yet stayed frozen in place all at the same time. I just need the chance to show you that I could finally be the friend and lover that you need. If you just let me show you that I can finally pull myself out from the middle of this ball of anxiety and be the Callie Torres that I was before all of this stupid freaking out.
I would do anything for the chance to show you that I will give you my everything because YOU are everything that I need.
And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go
Cause without you I can’t breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want
And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,
You're all I need
As the light turned to a glowing green, I slowly shifted my foot to the right pedal and gently pressed down, ready to finally arrive home. Deep down inside, I knew I had to do something about the way I felt. It was about time that I took action and control of the feelings that had been holding me hostage for too long.
I needed to find a way to let you know everything that I have held captive inside.
As the glowing amber of the streetlights passed by, my mind raced from one option to another. As much as I wanted to hear your voice, I was almost one hundred percent sure that you wouldn't answer a call from anything that remotely resembled my phone number. I thought about texting you but there was no way I could possibly fit everything I wanted to say into a few simple lines of text.
My mind turned over and over weighing the pros and cons of every option imaginable. Phone calls, texts, flowers, and silly messengers singing songs at your doorstep just didn't fit the mold the way I needed it too. I needed something simple and straight forward... Something that I knew you would willingly listen to and not instantly reject in a fit of frustration.
Rounding the corner and pulling into my parking garage, it finally hit me. I knew what I had to do. As soon as I parked my car I ran up the stairs into the apartment, not stopping till I was sitting in bed with my laptop propped open in my lap. I opened my email and started to write.
Erica,
I can only begin to imagine what you must be thinking if you've gotten this far and actually opened this message. At this point, all I can ask is that you give me the benefit of the doubt and keep on reading because I really have no idea how else I can say what I need to say.
Simply saying 'I miss you' can't even begin to describe the way I've been feeling since the night you walked away from me. Yes, I miss you. I miss the woman who captivated my heart. I miss the woman who was the best friend I have ever had. Most of all, I miss the person who made me feel so comfortably complete.
Even though months have passed since we've last seen each other, my mind has stood frozen in the moment that you walked away from me... from our relationship. I know that at the time, we hadn't defined exactly what we were. But as each day goes by, I begin to think of you more and more as the lover that I let slip away. Every day I think about what our lives would have been like if I had not freaked out... If we had given each other the space and time to adjust to such an intensely scary change in our relationship.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to give us the chance to work this out. As much as I've tried, I haven't been able to move on. I can't even begin to think of moving on until I know for sure that I've laid this part of my past to rest.
So I leave it up to you. Will you give us the chance to fix what we had broken?
Callie
I breathed in deeply, attempting to quell the butterflies that had formed in my stomach the moment I pressed the send button. There was no way I could possibly even try to move on and be in a real relationship with you or anyone else until I had a chance to dissipate this dark cloud that hovered over my past. I needed to give us one last chance. I don’t think I will get over “being upset” until I know for sure that I did everything in my power to make this work. I need to make you see how different my life, my world, is without you in it.
******
A/N: I can't believe I haven't written and fics since December. I've occupied myself with making so many FanVids that I've neglected any form of writing. Suffice it to say, writing this was a little like extracting blood from a stone. I knew where I wanted to take it but it took a while for the words to flow. I'm also still a die hard Callica fan so it was INCREDIBLY difficult for me to write anything remotely Calzone. However, I felt that it was important enough to the story that I couldn't leave it out. I hope you enjoyed this half of the story... hopefully I'll have the other half done soon.
AUTHOR: Melificent811
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Slight hints of Callie/Arizona but mainly Callie/Erica
SUMMARY: Inspired by Leona Lewis' song “I Will Be”. Takes place immediately after Callie & Arizona's first kiss. Callie begins to realize where her heart truly lies.
DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
******
(Callie's POV)
Need. Want. Desire. Confusion. Heartache. Release.
As her lips left mine, a whole slew of emotions flooded into my consciousness. What just happened??? I went into the bathroom to find a quiet place to collect myself and then THIS happens. This wonderfully frightening yet utterly beautiful thing caught me completely off guard and all I could think was...
Did this just really happen???
I leaned against the sink and watched in silence as the bathroom door slowly closed behind her… Arizona. What kind of a name is Arizona anyway? I smiled to myself, remembering how her soft lips felt pressed so gallantly against mine. Something deep down inside of me stirred and I could feel the butterflies creep from the pit of my stomach up to my throat. I knew it right then and there that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being kissed by another woman.
Realization suddenly washed over me and all I could think was…
I am SO gay…
I couldn't help but smile and laugh out loud to myself in disbelief. How could I have not seen this before? In a sick and twisted way, you were right. I couldn't "kind of be a lesbian". You knew it way before I even had an inkling that I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't. You saw straight through the facade I had put up for the world to see and knew who I truly was deep down inside.
Now here I am, nearly frozen in disbelief in the bathroom at Joe's bar and all I could think of is the ridiculousness of the situation. No more than eight hours ago, I was telling Mark about my self-proclaimed celibacy.
Celibacy is lonely. Don't spend all your time wondering what you are or who you like or whether it's right for you or wrong for you. Just let yourself be happy. Before you find yourself alone... and celibate.
Now here I am reveling in the aftermath of the most unexpected kiss and deep down inside I knew that even though it felt so amazingly good, it didn't feel quite right. Sure, it turned me on... Sure, it felt wonderful to be given this kind of attention by a beautiful woman - the attention I have been craving since the day that you walked out of my life. Why couldn’t I just let myself “be happy” with this unforeseen turn of events? Ultimately it came down to this...
She wasn't you...
Turning to the mirror, I checked to see if my mascara had left that tell-tale smudge mark below my eyes. I took a deep breath and braced myself to walk past the threshold of the bathroom door and back into the real world. I just needed to leave this place. I needed to find a place to clear my head so I could finally think and sort out this sensory overload.
Walking up to the bar, I could feel her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head. I couldn't decide whether I enjoyed it or if it made me feel uncomfortable so I just threw a few twenties on the bar to cover my tab for the evening and headed to my car. The only place I would feel safe right now would be buried under the covers of my bed.
Making a quick exit from the bar, I got into my car and instantly turned the ignition. My mind was racing a mile an minute and all I sought was the solace of the quiet solitude of my bedroom. In an attempt to drown out my inner voice, I turned the radio onto full blast and navigated my way through the city streets back to the apartment.
I sighed, leaning my head against the arm I had propped against the driver side window sill. My right hand firmly gripped the top of the steering wheel, still set on autopilot back to home. All I could think about was the kiss and all the feelings that it had forced into the surface of my consciousness.
Did I like that kiss because I found the other woman attractive? Was I just craving attention so badly that I convinced myself that it was a pleasurable experience? Could it be that my mind convinced my body for a single millisecond that those were YOUR lips pressed against mine and not Arizona’s? Would I ever be able to stop comparing every woman I find remotely attractive to the woman who had abandoned me?
Arizona was right… I’m upset. I’m damn upset about the cards that the powers that be had thrown into my lap. I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask for my life to reach an utterly beautiful point of bliss before instantly being turned upside down and completely inside out.
Truthfully, I was very flattered by the kiss… and the kind words that she offered while we shared that private moment in the bathroom. For a moment, I could almost feel my confidence come out of hiding. When she said that there were people who were interested… when she SHOWED me that she was interested, a little part of me jumped for joy. Somewhere in this wallowing mess, the Callie Torres that I once was still existed.
None of this changed the fact that I was not over “being upset”… that I’m still not over YOU… My first true love. My Erica.
The epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks falling from the sky. Until now, I didn’t realize why I couldn’t shake this darkness from my soul. All these months, I had been missing something so utterly essential to my life. Through all of the relationships I had in my lifetime I never felt so connected, so complete, till you came along. I thought I had experienced love before but I was wrong. You and I were the real thing…
As I came to this realization, I heard a few familiar piano chords play over the radio. The song felt somewhat familiar but I never really listened to the words until tonight.
There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go
I slowly pulled to a stop as the street light changed into a glowing red. My mind raced over the lyrics that had just blared over my car’s speakers. I sighed… There’s nothing better than the words to a well written sappy love song to express the joys of a soul-fulfilling relationship and the somberness of an ill-fated romance.
I let a single tear trail its way down my cheek and into my lap. After everything that we had been through, I’m not even sure that I could ever find the words or the actions to let you know how much I need you in my life.
I had been stuck so long in my own little bubble of anxiety that I never realized how badly I had been pushing you away. I had convinced myself that I was letting you into the deepest depths of my soul. But in reality, I didn’t... I never realized that I had formed an impregnable fortress around my heart. I never realized how far I had pushed my best friend, my lover, away.
After all I did to you, I can’t believe that I didn’t expect you to push right back.
Now I see that leaving me was the only way that you could show me how badly I had been treating you. You were right to walk away... to throw everything I had done to you right back into my face. You knew that this was the only way I could see the error of my ways. You knew that I could never reach this point of clarity if we kept going the way we were.
As painful as it was going to be, you knew that I had to figure myself out on my own.
I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go
I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything OK
I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me
I took a deep breath and waited in silent anticipation for the light to change to green. This damn song was starting to hit a little too close to home. Still, there was something inside of me, perhaps the masochistic side, that wanted me to continue listening and wallowing in my grief.
Almost from the instant you walked away, I knew that I had let you down. I knew that I had completely screwed up one of the best things that had ever been brought into my life. But it took me this long to realize that I would do ANYTHING to bring back what we had together. I would move the heavens just to show you that if you gave me one more chance, I would never let you go.
As much as I tried to deny it, you completed me...
If you would give me the chance to show you how much these last few months have changed me... how I've grown yet stayed frozen in place all at the same time. I just need the chance to show you that I could finally be the friend and lover that you need. If you just let me show you that I can finally pull myself out from the middle of this ball of anxiety and be the Callie Torres that I was before all of this stupid freaking out.
I would do anything for the chance to show you that I will give you my everything because YOU are everything that I need.
And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go
Cause without you I can’t breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want
And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,
You're all I need
As the light turned to a glowing green, I slowly shifted my foot to the right pedal and gently pressed down, ready to finally arrive home. Deep down inside, I knew I had to do something about the way I felt. It was about time that I took action and control of the feelings that had been holding me hostage for too long.
I needed to find a way to let you know everything that I have held captive inside.
As the glowing amber of the streetlights passed by, my mind raced from one option to another. As much as I wanted to hear your voice, I was almost one hundred percent sure that you wouldn't answer a call from anything that remotely resembled my phone number. I thought about texting you but there was no way I could possibly fit everything I wanted to say into a few simple lines of text.
My mind turned over and over weighing the pros and cons of every option imaginable. Phone calls, texts, flowers, and silly messengers singing songs at your doorstep just didn't fit the mold the way I needed it too. I needed something simple and straight forward... Something that I knew you would willingly listen to and not instantly reject in a fit of frustration.
Rounding the corner and pulling into my parking garage, it finally hit me. I knew what I had to do. As soon as I parked my car I ran up the stairs into the apartment, not stopping till I was sitting in bed with my laptop propped open in my lap. I opened my email and started to write.
Erica,
I can only begin to imagine what you must be thinking if you've gotten this far and actually opened this message. At this point, all I can ask is that you give me the benefit of the doubt and keep on reading because I really have no idea how else I can say what I need to say.
Simply saying 'I miss you' can't even begin to describe the way I've been feeling since the night you walked away from me. Yes, I miss you. I miss the woman who captivated my heart. I miss the woman who was the best friend I have ever had. Most of all, I miss the person who made me feel so comfortably complete.
Even though months have passed since we've last seen each other, my mind has stood frozen in the moment that you walked away from me... from our relationship. I know that at the time, we hadn't defined exactly what we were. But as each day goes by, I begin to think of you more and more as the lover that I let slip away. Every day I think about what our lives would have been like if I had not freaked out... If we had given each other the space and time to adjust to such an intensely scary change in our relationship.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to give us the chance to work this out. As much as I've tried, I haven't been able to move on. I can't even begin to think of moving on until I know for sure that I've laid this part of my past to rest.
So I leave it up to you. Will you give us the chance to fix what we had broken?
Callie
I breathed in deeply, attempting to quell the butterflies that had formed in my stomach the moment I pressed the send button. There was no way I could possibly even try to move on and be in a real relationship with you or anyone else until I had a chance to dissipate this dark cloud that hovered over my past. I needed to give us one last chance. I don’t think I will get over “being upset” until I know for sure that I did everything in my power to make this work. I need to make you see how different my life, my world, is without you in it.
******
A/N: I can't believe I haven't written and fics since December. I've occupied myself with making so many FanVids that I've neglected any form of writing. Suffice it to say, writing this was a little like extracting blood from a stone. I knew where I wanted to take it but it took a while for the words to flow. I'm also still a die hard Callica fan so it was INCREDIBLY difficult for me to write anything remotely Calzone. However, I felt that it was important enough to the story that I couldn't leave it out. I hope you enjoyed this half of the story... hopefully I'll have the other half done soon.