Change Me [part 4]
Junho was sitting across the table, eyeing Junsu at the other end. Even though it was a party to celebrate the finishing of MV filming, Junsu’s glass stayed full the whole time, unlike Junho’s who was enjoying the attention and the drinks at the same time. He felt satisfied to get some recognition from the crew and Junsu wasn’t the only one, who had girls around him. Flirting became more and more easy with every glass of alcohol for Junho. Everyone was talking about something that wasn’t very intellectual nor logical, but the only person that was still sober, was just watching the whole chaos, answering the questions from girls occasionally.
After a few hours, people were too drunk to even speak, but Minjae somehow remembered his real job that he gets money for and announced that the two stars should get some rest. “Yo, Junsu… You know, I’m not in a condition. Could you take Junho home or something?”
“A-are you s-sure he’s not drunk… Minjae, I don’t wanna die young.” Junho was blabbering some nonsense, obviously forgetting about Junsu’s full glass.
“Don’t question my sanity, kid.” Minjae burped. “Junsu is the only one, who can drive here.”
Junho looked at Junsu and widened his eyes as much as possible. Just then he realized how drunk he was, because his vision was almost gone and Junsu’s grip felt too rough on his waist. “You’re quite heavy.”
“Sorry for b-being a freakin healthy b-boy. My mom said I s-should eat plenty of f-food.” Junho was trying his best to keep himself on his wobbly legs, but it felt like an Olympic challenge.
“Mom’s boy.” Junsu hugged his waist tighter, smiling to himself. “Your mom forgot the part about drinks and limits.”
“My m-mom is the masterpiece of this w-world. She knows everything, dude.” Junho was totally lost in admiration of his mother, throwing his arm around Junsu’s neck, gripping on his shoulder. “How’s your mom?”
Junsu couldn’t help but laugh as they reached his car. “She’s fine.” He helped Junho to sit on the front seat and fastened his belt when Junho suddenly grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer.
“You’re cool just like my m-mom.”
Junsu stared at the boy beneath him for a few moments and smiled. “I’m very glad to hear it. Now, let me get in my seat and take you home.”
“S-sure thing, Junsu-yah.” Junho giggled and released his grip, letting Junsu to go around the car and sit in the driver seat.
Junho was staring at the night lights and heard Junsu’s voice floating somewhere, but his mind couldn’t register anything as the only words his brain caught before falling into a deep sleep was home, don’t know, my place, alive.
The familiar sweet scent was penetrating Junho’s nostrils as he felt the first rays of a sunrise teasing his enormously heavy eye-lids. It was a pure torture to open his eyes, but the need to find a bathroom was stronger than anything. Half sober, Junho finally managed to rip his eye-lids and a deep frown appeared on his face. The sunrays felt like daggers and the headache was something akin to a horror movie. Slowly, he checked his wrist-watch and saw it was 5AM. The next question that popped into his heavy head was where the fuck am I? He turned his head to the left and saw a white wall, then, he turned his head to the right and saw a broad manly back, ass smaller than his and bent legs. Junho touched his own body quickly (as it was possible for his half-sober being) and sighed, when he felt his clothes were still on.
He sat up silently and looked at the man on the huge white bed again. Junsu. Another sigh of relief. Junho looked closer at the sleeping figure and made sure he didn’t wake him up. The bathroom. It was still a bit dark inside the room, thought the sunrays got a bit more irritating than a few minutes ago. He moved his body on his shaky legs carefully and found the door, which led to the hallway. Junho always had imagined that Junsu’s apartment would be colourful and with some fancy design, but to his huge surprise it was kind of sterile - almost everything’s white, just a few things red or black. His bladder was almost killing him as he finally managed to find the bathroom and released all the fun he had a few hours ago in a liquid form.
The headache was overpowering once again. He touched his head, growling inside his throat, trying to find his way back, but somehow he lost it. Junho guessed it was the living room or something similar to that, because it had a huge TV, sofa and shelves. Shelves with no books, only a few tiny sculptures of animals. It wasn’t very hard to notice a black notebook, which looked like it was pretty often used. Junho took it and stared at the cover for a while, analyzing the neat hand-writing. Kim Junsu. Personal journal.
Junho flipped the page.
June 14th, 2007.
Doctor said this should help. I don’t think it will, but I have no other choice. I should write my feelings here… How am I feeling? I feel nothing. I’m empty. He’s dead. It’s strange how you take everything for granted, when the person you love is always beside you. But when he’s gone… It’s just empty. JYP is worried about my career and drug addiction. He hired the doctor and made sure to shut his mouth with the company’s money. I know he invested too much money into me, he needs his company’s star to be active no matter what. He says he’s helping me… Rehabilitation, huh?
I miss you, Jin. I love you.
Junho just stared at the first journal page. Even though he was half sober, he knew this notebook is something extremely personal and dangerous. This could raise a huge scandal. He flipped the other pages quickly and a picture fell from the notebook.
Now Junho felt even more than awake, when he took the picture into his shaky hands. They were kissing. Junsu was kissing another boy. Junho blinked his eyes quickly, not because the boy was smiling and circling his arms around Junsu’s naked waist, but because that boy looked like Junho. That’s what Minjae meant about reminding Junsu of an old friend? They were more than friends. He turned the other side of the picture and saw a different hand writing.
Never change, Su. I love you the way you are. Jin.
January 15th, 2007.
“He’s gay.” Junho voiced out the last thought. He quickly scanned the journal again, it wasn’t full, just half of it filled with Junsu’s thoughts. The next thing Junho did was a very stupid one, fitting a half drunk person. He pressed the notebook to his chest and left the apartment.
Junho was woken up by sunset rays this time. Right. He came home around 6AM, flopped onto his bed and read the rest of the journal. Later, he fell asleep, thinking about everything he read.
The whole journal was reeking of depression, sadness and love towards one person. The last entry was written almost after a year since the first one. It wasn’t long and it wasn’t full of any previous sorrowful emotions.
I’m clean. It’s for You, Jin.
Whoever his lover was, he was dead. But he was definitely special. He was the most special person to Junsu and now Junho had mixed feelings. He felt uncomfortable and bad after stealing and reading the journal - it was too personal. He felt like intruding. But Junho somewhat felt a bit envious. How can one person change the other one so much? The power that Jin boy had over Junsu, even after his death, was enormous. Then, he remembered the other journal entry. About changing and how JYP finally decided that Junsu needs a serious help. It was right after his concert for international fans in the USA, when Junsu got really high and went to the tattoo salon. Even the picture was attached - Junsu with half-lidded eyes, half naked and a fresh tattoo on his hip - Change me, written in English.
He was craving for help. The whole year of rehabilitation was full of ups and downs, but finally Junsu somehow managed to rise from his slump. Then Junho remembered a few small scandals about Junsu collapsing after the concerts and TV shows. Official explanations were the same - he has been overworking himself, when in reality, Junsu was too high from drugs.
All Junsu’s secrets, feelings and the most depressive thoughts were written in that black notebook. Junho didn’t want to read it again, it was too dark.
Junho got up from his bed and drank some medicine to relieve the headache. He showered and dressed up into pajamas quickly, walking to the kitchen for something edible. Junho felt tired. Way too much information he got today.
As he was about to go to the bed again, he heard a knock on his door. It was already dark at that time, Junho rubbed his eyes and opened the door. He gulped.
“I think you took something very personal that belongs to me, Junho.”
Junsu’s eyes were cold, the look he gave to Junho was almost threatening. It made Junho to step back and hit his back to the wall. Junsu closed the door behind him as he approached the slightly shivering boy in front of him.
“I-I…” Junho’s throat was too dry to speak up as he was cornered by Junsu, his arms above Junho’s shoulders, leaning on the wall. Junsu’s face was inches apart from the other boy’s. The sweet scent was invading his nose once again, this time it didn’t feel comfortable.
“Your mom forgot to teach you the most important rule about respecting other’s privacy.” Junsu leaned to Junho’s right side, his lips gently grazing his dark red ear.
“Never. Steal. Something. That. Doesn’t. Belong. To.” Junsu blew the hot air on Junho’s already almost violet ear. “YOU.” His whisper felt too hot. Junho couldn’t keep his balance and clung onto Junsu’s jacket without realizing it.
“I-I didn’t mean it…” Junho managed to whisper onto Junsu’s neck.
“I’m sure you DID mean it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t need to come here and-”
“It could cause a really huge scandal if I told about it to someone.” Junho’s voice was shaking and his words didn’t seem very confident.
Junsu pulled away a bit, just to look at Junho’s sweaty face. To Junho’s surprise he grinned and laughed. “Are you threatening me, boy?” Junsu palmed the smaller boy’s chin and brought it closer to his face. “You know what? You can tell it to everyone. I don’t give a fuck. It’s our boss, who wants to hide it, not me.”
Junho felt totally helpless. Nothing was working for him at all. And his weak knees didn’t help in this situation. “Now you know I’m gay. I’ve been a drug addict. I could care less about the scandals. So, Junho, the rising star, what makes you think I couldn’t take advantage of you in this situation?”
Junho’s brain was trying to process every word Junsu has spoken. He was looking for a good answer inside his messed up brain.
That.
“I look like him.”
Junsu’s expression changed a bit, a sad frown appeared on his face. “You’re nothing like him. It’s just the outer appearance. Don’t compare him to you.” Junsu clenched his teeth, gaze locked on Junho’s eyes, which were full of fear and confusion.
“T-then kiss me. To prove the difference.” Junho couldn’t believe what he had just said.
Junsu quirked his eye-brow. “What?”
“You heard me.” Junho was regaining his confidence as Junsu backed away. He looked away and saw his journal on the table.
“You better stop this before it’s too late.” Junsu marched to the table and took the journal. Just when he was about to turn around, Junho pushed him on the floor, settling his body on top of Junsu’s.
“I won’t”. Junho wasn’t sure what he was doing, but it was probably his own principles that got hurt. He was rejected and he couldn’t let that happen again. He grabbed Junsu’s collar and kissed him roughly, lips and teeth clashing against each other as he felt Junsu’s hands on his head, holding onto his hair forcefully. Junho gasped and that’s how Junsu’s tongue got its way into Junho’s mouth, making him squirm on top of him. He released his grip on Junsu’s collar and as soon as he did that, he felt the cold floor underneath his back.
Junsu quickly stood up breathing heavily and looked at powerless Junho, panting on the floor. “Don’t play with me.” He shut the door and left Junho alone.
Junho was lost. He didn’t have any idea what to do now. And he knew something’s going to change between them. It was inevitable after what he had done.
After a few hours, people were too drunk to even speak, but Minjae somehow remembered his real job that he gets money for and announced that the two stars should get some rest. “Yo, Junsu… You know, I’m not in a condition. Could you take Junho home or something?”
“A-are you s-sure he’s not drunk… Minjae, I don’t wanna die young.” Junho was blabbering some nonsense, obviously forgetting about Junsu’s full glass.
“Don’t question my sanity, kid.” Minjae burped. “Junsu is the only one, who can drive here.”
Junho looked at Junsu and widened his eyes as much as possible. Just then he realized how drunk he was, because his vision was almost gone and Junsu’s grip felt too rough on his waist. “You’re quite heavy.”
“Sorry for b-being a freakin healthy b-boy. My mom said I s-should eat plenty of f-food.” Junho was trying his best to keep himself on his wobbly legs, but it felt like an Olympic challenge.
“Mom’s boy.” Junsu hugged his waist tighter, smiling to himself. “Your mom forgot the part about drinks and limits.”
“My m-mom is the masterpiece of this w-world. She knows everything, dude.” Junho was totally lost in admiration of his mother, throwing his arm around Junsu’s neck, gripping on his shoulder. “How’s your mom?”
Junsu couldn’t help but laugh as they reached his car. “She’s fine.” He helped Junho to sit on the front seat and fastened his belt when Junho suddenly grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer.
“You’re cool just like my m-mom.”
Junsu stared at the boy beneath him for a few moments and smiled. “I’m very glad to hear it. Now, let me get in my seat and take you home.”
“S-sure thing, Junsu-yah.” Junho giggled and released his grip, letting Junsu to go around the car and sit in the driver seat.
Junho was staring at the night lights and heard Junsu’s voice floating somewhere, but his mind couldn’t register anything as the only words his brain caught before falling into a deep sleep was home, don’t know, my place, alive.
The familiar sweet scent was penetrating Junho’s nostrils as he felt the first rays of a sunrise teasing his enormously heavy eye-lids. It was a pure torture to open his eyes, but the need to find a bathroom was stronger than anything. Half sober, Junho finally managed to rip his eye-lids and a deep frown appeared on his face. The sunrays felt like daggers and the headache was something akin to a horror movie. Slowly, he checked his wrist-watch and saw it was 5AM. The next question that popped into his heavy head was where the fuck am I? He turned his head to the left and saw a white wall, then, he turned his head to the right and saw a broad manly back, ass smaller than his and bent legs. Junho touched his own body quickly (as it was possible for his half-sober being) and sighed, when he felt his clothes were still on.
He sat up silently and looked at the man on the huge white bed again. Junsu. Another sigh of relief. Junho looked closer at the sleeping figure and made sure he didn’t wake him up. The bathroom. It was still a bit dark inside the room, thought the sunrays got a bit more irritating than a few minutes ago. He moved his body on his shaky legs carefully and found the door, which led to the hallway. Junho always had imagined that Junsu’s apartment would be colourful and with some fancy design, but to his huge surprise it was kind of sterile - almost everything’s white, just a few things red or black. His bladder was almost killing him as he finally managed to find the bathroom and released all the fun he had a few hours ago in a liquid form.
The headache was overpowering once again. He touched his head, growling inside his throat, trying to find his way back, but somehow he lost it. Junho guessed it was the living room or something similar to that, because it had a huge TV, sofa and shelves. Shelves with no books, only a few tiny sculptures of animals. It wasn’t very hard to notice a black notebook, which looked like it was pretty often used. Junho took it and stared at the cover for a while, analyzing the neat hand-writing. Kim Junsu. Personal journal.
Junho flipped the page.
June 14th, 2007.
Doctor said this should help. I don’t think it will, but I have no other choice. I should write my feelings here… How am I feeling? I feel nothing. I’m empty. He’s dead. It’s strange how you take everything for granted, when the person you love is always beside you. But when he’s gone… It’s just empty. JYP is worried about my career and drug addiction. He hired the doctor and made sure to shut his mouth with the company’s money. I know he invested too much money into me, he needs his company’s star to be active no matter what. He says he’s helping me… Rehabilitation, huh?
I miss you, Jin. I love you.
Junho just stared at the first journal page. Even though he was half sober, he knew this notebook is something extremely personal and dangerous. This could raise a huge scandal. He flipped the other pages quickly and a picture fell from the notebook.
Now Junho felt even more than awake, when he took the picture into his shaky hands. They were kissing. Junsu was kissing another boy. Junho blinked his eyes quickly, not because the boy was smiling and circling his arms around Junsu’s naked waist, but because that boy looked like Junho. That’s what Minjae meant about reminding Junsu of an old friend? They were more than friends. He turned the other side of the picture and saw a different hand writing.
Never change, Su. I love you the way you are. Jin.
January 15th, 2007.
“He’s gay.” Junho voiced out the last thought. He quickly scanned the journal again, it wasn’t full, just half of it filled with Junsu’s thoughts. The next thing Junho did was a very stupid one, fitting a half drunk person. He pressed the notebook to his chest and left the apartment.
Junho was woken up by sunset rays this time. Right. He came home around 6AM, flopped onto his bed and read the rest of the journal. Later, he fell asleep, thinking about everything he read.
The whole journal was reeking of depression, sadness and love towards one person. The last entry was written almost after a year since the first one. It wasn’t long and it wasn’t full of any previous sorrowful emotions.
I’m clean. It’s for You, Jin.
Whoever his lover was, he was dead. But he was definitely special. He was the most special person to Junsu and now Junho had mixed feelings. He felt uncomfortable and bad after stealing and reading the journal - it was too personal. He felt like intruding. But Junho somewhat felt a bit envious. How can one person change the other one so much? The power that Jin boy had over Junsu, even after his death, was enormous. Then, he remembered the other journal entry. About changing and how JYP finally decided that Junsu needs a serious help. It was right after his concert for international fans in the USA, when Junsu got really high and went to the tattoo salon. Even the picture was attached - Junsu with half-lidded eyes, half naked and a fresh tattoo on his hip - Change me, written in English.
He was craving for help. The whole year of rehabilitation was full of ups and downs, but finally Junsu somehow managed to rise from his slump. Then Junho remembered a few small scandals about Junsu collapsing after the concerts and TV shows. Official explanations were the same - he has been overworking himself, when in reality, Junsu was too high from drugs.
All Junsu’s secrets, feelings and the most depressive thoughts were written in that black notebook. Junho didn’t want to read it again, it was too dark.
Junho got up from his bed and drank some medicine to relieve the headache. He showered and dressed up into pajamas quickly, walking to the kitchen for something edible. Junho felt tired. Way too much information he got today.
As he was about to go to the bed again, he heard a knock on his door. It was already dark at that time, Junho rubbed his eyes and opened the door. He gulped.
“I think you took something very personal that belongs to me, Junho.”
Junsu’s eyes were cold, the look he gave to Junho was almost threatening. It made Junho to step back and hit his back to the wall. Junsu closed the door behind him as he approached the slightly shivering boy in front of him.
“I-I…” Junho’s throat was too dry to speak up as he was cornered by Junsu, his arms above Junho’s shoulders, leaning on the wall. Junsu’s face was inches apart from the other boy’s. The sweet scent was invading his nose once again, this time it didn’t feel comfortable.
“Your mom forgot to teach you the most important rule about respecting other’s privacy.” Junsu leaned to Junho’s right side, his lips gently grazing his dark red ear.
“Never. Steal. Something. That. Doesn’t. Belong. To.” Junsu blew the hot air on Junho’s already almost violet ear. “YOU.” His whisper felt too hot. Junho couldn’t keep his balance and clung onto Junsu’s jacket without realizing it.
“I-I didn’t mean it…” Junho managed to whisper onto Junsu’s neck.
“I’m sure you DID mean it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t need to come here and-”
“It could cause a really huge scandal if I told about it to someone.” Junho’s voice was shaking and his words didn’t seem very confident.
Junsu pulled away a bit, just to look at Junho’s sweaty face. To Junho’s surprise he grinned and laughed. “Are you threatening me, boy?” Junsu palmed the smaller boy’s chin and brought it closer to his face. “You know what? You can tell it to everyone. I don’t give a fuck. It’s our boss, who wants to hide it, not me.”
Junho felt totally helpless. Nothing was working for him at all. And his weak knees didn’t help in this situation. “Now you know I’m gay. I’ve been a drug addict. I could care less about the scandals. So, Junho, the rising star, what makes you think I couldn’t take advantage of you in this situation?”
Junho’s brain was trying to process every word Junsu has spoken. He was looking for a good answer inside his messed up brain.
That.
“I look like him.”
Junsu’s expression changed a bit, a sad frown appeared on his face. “You’re nothing like him. It’s just the outer appearance. Don’t compare him to you.” Junsu clenched his teeth, gaze locked on Junho’s eyes, which were full of fear and confusion.
“T-then kiss me. To prove the difference.” Junho couldn’t believe what he had just said.
Junsu quirked his eye-brow. “What?”
“You heard me.” Junho was regaining his confidence as Junsu backed away. He looked away and saw his journal on the table.
“You better stop this before it’s too late.” Junsu marched to the table and took the journal. Just when he was about to turn around, Junho pushed him on the floor, settling his body on top of Junsu’s.
“I won’t”. Junho wasn’t sure what he was doing, but it was probably his own principles that got hurt. He was rejected and he couldn’t let that happen again. He grabbed Junsu’s collar and kissed him roughly, lips and teeth clashing against each other as he felt Junsu’s hands on his head, holding onto his hair forcefully. Junho gasped and that’s how Junsu’s tongue got its way into Junho’s mouth, making him squirm on top of him. He released his grip on Junsu’s collar and as soon as he did that, he felt the cold floor underneath his back.
Junsu quickly stood up breathing heavily and looked at powerless Junho, panting on the floor. “Don’t play with me.” He shut the door and left Junho alone.
Junho was lost. He didn’t have any idea what to do now. And he knew something’s going to change between them. It was inevitable after what he had done.