xiuhan fic 1
Consternation | pg | 2700+w | xiuhan | drama (somewhat angsty)
Summary: this doll reminds Luhan of someone, someone he loved.
Minseok is gone and Luhan can’t get over that fact. Now that he is all alone, he doesn’t want anything but Minseok beside him. Cold and empty, that is what he is feeling. Darkness soon wants to swallow him alive and he let it be. What’s the use when he wants to die right now?
With bags under his eyes, he is forced to get up from his bed. He wants to go somewhere. Somewhere away from this place which reminds Luhan of Minseok. Wherever he looks, there is Minseok. So he dresses carelessly, not watching himself on the mirror and walks out the door. The angry sun meets up his pale skin. The heat is biting his skin but he cares less.
He is already half way when he passes by a small shop. It looks weird but when he glances at the glass which mirrors him, he thinks he is weirder than the shop itself. Walking inside the shop, a small man in his mid fifties greets him and he does the same then roams further inside the shop. He has no intentions of buying. Just entertaining he from the displays but then a doll suddenly catches his attention.
The doll seems like it’s calling him, so he walks closer to it. Slowly and cautiously that somewhere or something might come out from it.
He stares at the doll and its eyes stare back. Its eyes are dark blue that you have to squint to see clearly their color. Then it they flicker to something like brown. Luhan blinks, is he seeing things? He thinks and closes up to the doll. The eyes, remind him of someone.
Minseok.
He ends up buying the doll. He urgently walks to the counter and the man behind it takes his precious time for only twenty minutes and Luhan thinks it’s been an hour already. For the first time that day, he actually thinks of going home. Going home with the doll.
When he finally steps in, he puts the doll on the couch and proceeds to clean himself up. He got strange and weird stares from the people he met outside.
Finally when he is done, he walks out of his room and finds his doll on the couch, unmoved. He suddenly feels down, he is expecting for it to move just a little. He is hoping. Hoping hopelessly.
He decides to eat and orders for a take out. The doll is beside him, food on his lap while his gaze’s up the television. He entertains himself watching. Soon enough, he falls asleep. He doesn’t notice it at first but something feels not right. He slowly opens his eyes and he sees his doll right on top of him. He sits up abruptly and the doll is thrown further on the couches’ edge.
“That scared me.” He muttered to himself.
He ignores the stares the doll gives him and throws the leftover of his food. That night, he checks his time; he goes straight to his room, the doll on his arm. For some people, it feels creepy but for him it feels nothing. Okay, he admits there is something in the doll but he also thinks he maybe just hope too much.
When Luhan finally drifted to sleep and his breathes become even, the doll’s eyes flickers from blue to brown. Then it blink, its head moves slightly to its left and settles to see Luhan’s sleeping face. Then its small hands reaches to touch his cheeks.
“Luhan…”
Luhan opens his eyes suddenly and he sits up. He is panting and he dreams. He dreams about the doll, that it moved. His eyes look around his bed, hands blindly tapping on the surface looking for his doll. There you are! His mind exclaimed and he brings up the doll. When it hit the moon light from his window, he notices its eyes. their brown!
He stares intently to its eyes then it blink. Luhan is near to bawl but chokes a sob. His doll is alive. His hope rises.
“Minseok…” he mumbles and hugs the doll. He is a sobbing mess already as he rocks the doll on his arms. Then the doll takes its form of a human.
When he pulls away, a smiling face welcomes him. “Luhan…”
Luhan hugs Minseok back to his arms. He is more than happy to see his lover once again. And that night, they are cuddling in each other’s arms.
The next day, when Luhan wakes up, he looks to his side to see the doll back to being a doll. But instead of feeling down, he smiles warmly.
“Good morning Minseok.” He mutters and stretches his arms.
Things becomes normal; he takes a bath and dresses himself. He talks to Minseok for a while, saying goodbye and that he will be back later.
People inside the shop gasps and stares wide eyed when Luhan walks in, all smiles, and greets some customers.
“What is wrong with you?” Yifan asks, he is wiping the tables when Luhan walks in. But the latter just smile.
“Are you on drugs?” Tao asks next when Luhan walks in to the back area, and shakes his head with a popping ‘nope.’
Tao give him a skeptical look before walking out, already in uniforms.
As much as they want to pry Luhan, they have job to tend to so they try themselves to be normal around him. But not Luhan. He offers something to the customers and he often succeeds. Jongdae, the manager, seems to be not bothered anymore about Luhan’s weirdness because he is bringing in lots of luck today.
Finally, closing came and Luhan excuses himself first. They wave him off and he walks away seeming happy. And again, the weird looks from his friends.
*
When he gets home, Luhan calls out for Minseok. It’s not like the doll will talk back but Luhan loves to mention his name. He is dying to tell his friends back in the shop about Minseok but then they will think he is not normal so he keep this secret to himself.
“Minseok-ah! I have a great day today.” He slumps himself on the couch beside the doll. And in response the doll’s eyes flicker again to the color brown.
Luhan nods at Minseok before putting the doll on his lap.
When he retires that night to his bed, he lies awake, waiting for the moment the other night to come back. He pretends he is sleeping but his senses are awake. Alarming. Just then a small rustles make its way to his hearing and he shot up.
“Minseok!” he exclaims and the man beside him jerks. Obviously surprise by his actions.
Luhan chuckled and pulls Minseok to his arms, “I’m sorry if I scared you. I missed you, you know that?” he mumbles to his ear. He feels Minseok nodding against his shoulders and he pulls away, Minseok stares at him asking. “Can I kiss you?” Luhan asks and Minseok smiles before nodding.
Luhan crashes his lips to Minseok’s plump ones. Luhan is surprise that Minseok kisses him back. He is thinking that maybe a smack will be done but the responses make them move forward. Minseok pushes him down the bed his hands freely roaming on his body. Luhan moans in return and feels every touch Minseok give him.
And that night they become one. Again.
*
The whole thing about Minseok, doll remains hidden by Luhan from his friends. Even the times where they spend hanging out on his place, he keeps the doll hidden and later that night he will apologize for what he did and Minseok just nods and smiles at him, understanding him.
They will share moments every night and night only. Luhan thinks this is enough for as long as Minseok is there with him. He never thinks anything on the day but the night time to come. The set up, as what he understands, is that Minseok will only come alive during night time. As much as he wants to ask why to Minseok, he doesn’t ask. Besides, Minseok doesn’t talk back to him. Only nodding, smiling and shaking his head at him. Every night he often tells him what happened that day, like the usual thing they always do when Minseok is still alive. The latter just listens as he plays on Luhan’s hands. Sometimes hair and face, touching them, Luhan finds some of his touches ticklish and the more Minseok teases him, which will end up of course becoming intimate. These are the times where Luhan is happy to the point where he wants to cry.
*
Minseok suddenly becomes unresponsive to Luhan. Luhan will frown at him and decides to call it a night for the two of them, not noticing the look from Minseok. Unlike before where nights excite Luhan, the feeling is gone. He doesn’t dread for it but he isn’t happy somehow.
“Minseok, what is wrong with you lately?” he asks.
Minseok stares down and avoids Luhan’s eyes, because the look on Luhan’s eyes hurts Minseok. He wants to tell him that, but he can’t.
“Minseok, atleast please talk to me. Talk to me this time.” He begs.
Minseok slowly looks up, half meeting Luhan’s gaze. Then he shakes his head and raises his arms to reach for Luhan. Luhan silence himself because Minseok initiates the contact this time.
Both of them let it pass for that night.
*
The next night, goes back to normal. Luhan thinks what happens before is something normal. But on the following night, the doll remains a doll. Luhan panics and picks up the doll, shaking it and stares at its eyes and even stays awake for the next three hours. But nothing happens.
Nothing lasts forever, as they say. And the time comes which Luhan avoids as much as possible. That night, he cried himself to sleep. Hoping that the next day will be alright.
And Minseok remains a doll still on the next night. Luhan brings back his self on the day Minseok is gone. His friends often bang his door and beg him to open it because it is getting worse. His case is getting worse and this is not alright anymore. Whilst Luhan sulks himself, trying to block anything in the world, Minseok silently watches him. And then finally, he had enough.
The doll’s form changes and Luhan looks up in delight seeing Minseok walking towards him. He stands up and prepares himself for a hug but a slap meets his face instead. Luhan stares on the floor for a long time digesting what just happen.
“Enough Luhan.” Minseok speaks out finally.
Luhan will cry for joy when this happens, but the tone on Minseok’s voice makes him cower in fear.
“M-minseok…” he stutters and stares unbelievably on Minseok, finally gets the guts to meet his gaze while cupping the stinging cheek.
“I said enough Luhan. You have to move on. We can’t be like this forever!” Minseok clenches his fist and bit his lips hard.
Luhan stays silent for a while and tries to measure what Minseok said. “No.” he replies. “No way Minseok. I can’t.”
Minseok’s jaw tightened, he is close to losing himself. “Luhan, we both know that I’m gone and everything won’t be back to the things they used to be! Wake up Luhan. You have to let me go!”
Luhan fell on his knees before sobbing, “Then why did you show yourself up again? Why?!”
“It’s because I can’t stand seeing you like this. You are killing yourself.” He kneels down also and holds Luhan’s shaking shoulders. “I was trying to tell you to forget about me. But things went out of control and before I knew it, I practically lived on that doll. Thinking that I am once again part of your world which is not and I realized it every morning. But when I think of the night to spend with you, I suddenly forget it.”
“Then forget it Minseok! Forget it. Damn I’d be happy if you do it like this. I don’t care if you give me less response as long as you are here with me. I don’t care if it’s only at night.” Luhan looks up and hugs Minseok for his dear life.
Minseok helplessly rub his back and sigh. “Luhan you have to. Move on without me. Think of me as your happy memory and not the sad ones.” He whispers before pulling away and kisses Luhan. Luhan kisses back and slowly Minseok disappears. Luhan closes his eyes slowly and he collapses on the ground.
The next day, Luhan wakes up groggily. He is on his bed and he asks why before sitting up and looks frantically around searching for the doll.
No. The doll isn’t around. He dresses himself and walk towards the shop where he buys it and walks in, ignoring the man behind the counter’s greetings and goes directly to where it is placed.
None. The place is void of any doll. Luhan runs out the shop and returns to his place. He sits on the floor and tries to sink in everything that happens to him, if they really did happen.
“Move on… Let me go…”
A faint voice echoes through Luhan’s ears and he searches where it come from.
“Think of me as your happy memory…”
He grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls them in frustration. This is driving him crazy. He wants to find out where the voices came from. He stands up and his legs wobbles, his hands blindly reach for something to hold on as his eyes blurs. Then he catches sight of his photo with Minseok. They are both happy on the glossy paper.
A tear escapes his eyes. “Minseok-ah…” and he sob, hugging the picture frame as he slides down on the floor, a mess.
“I love you….”
“I love you too…” he mutters.
`end
Explanation: “Siken writes about special love marked by obsession and need and want.” This here, describes Luhan who was obsessed of wanting Minseok back.
“And you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down, you’ve memorized it, it’s all you know. I say the phrases that keep it all going, and everybody plays along.” This here, describes Minseok who plays along Luhan pretending he is alive and part of his world.
Summary: this doll reminds Luhan of someone, someone he loved.
Minseok is gone and Luhan can’t get over that fact. Now that he is all alone, he doesn’t want anything but Minseok beside him. Cold and empty, that is what he is feeling. Darkness soon wants to swallow him alive and he let it be. What’s the use when he wants to die right now?
With bags under his eyes, he is forced to get up from his bed. He wants to go somewhere. Somewhere away from this place which reminds Luhan of Minseok. Wherever he looks, there is Minseok. So he dresses carelessly, not watching himself on the mirror and walks out the door. The angry sun meets up his pale skin. The heat is biting his skin but he cares less.
He is already half way when he passes by a small shop. It looks weird but when he glances at the glass which mirrors him, he thinks he is weirder than the shop itself. Walking inside the shop, a small man in his mid fifties greets him and he does the same then roams further inside the shop. He has no intentions of buying. Just entertaining he from the displays but then a doll suddenly catches his attention.
The doll seems like it’s calling him, so he walks closer to it. Slowly and cautiously that somewhere or something might come out from it.
He stares at the doll and its eyes stare back. Its eyes are dark blue that you have to squint to see clearly their color. Then it they flicker to something like brown. Luhan blinks, is he seeing things? He thinks and closes up to the doll. The eyes, remind him of someone.
Minseok.
He ends up buying the doll. He urgently walks to the counter and the man behind it takes his precious time for only twenty minutes and Luhan thinks it’s been an hour already. For the first time that day, he actually thinks of going home. Going home with the doll.
When he finally steps in, he puts the doll on the couch and proceeds to clean himself up. He got strange and weird stares from the people he met outside.
Finally when he is done, he walks out of his room and finds his doll on the couch, unmoved. He suddenly feels down, he is expecting for it to move just a little. He is hoping. Hoping hopelessly.
He decides to eat and orders for a take out. The doll is beside him, food on his lap while his gaze’s up the television. He entertains himself watching. Soon enough, he falls asleep. He doesn’t notice it at first but something feels not right. He slowly opens his eyes and he sees his doll right on top of him. He sits up abruptly and the doll is thrown further on the couches’ edge.
“That scared me.” He muttered to himself.
He ignores the stares the doll gives him and throws the leftover of his food. That night, he checks his time; he goes straight to his room, the doll on his arm. For some people, it feels creepy but for him it feels nothing. Okay, he admits there is something in the doll but he also thinks he maybe just hope too much.
When Luhan finally drifted to sleep and his breathes become even, the doll’s eyes flickers from blue to brown. Then it blink, its head moves slightly to its left and settles to see Luhan’s sleeping face. Then its small hands reaches to touch his cheeks.
“Luhan…”
Luhan opens his eyes suddenly and he sits up. He is panting and he dreams. He dreams about the doll, that it moved. His eyes look around his bed, hands blindly tapping on the surface looking for his doll. There you are! His mind exclaimed and he brings up the doll. When it hit the moon light from his window, he notices its eyes. their brown!
He stares intently to its eyes then it blink. Luhan is near to bawl but chokes a sob. His doll is alive. His hope rises.
“Minseok…” he mumbles and hugs the doll. He is a sobbing mess already as he rocks the doll on his arms. Then the doll takes its form of a human.
When he pulls away, a smiling face welcomes him. “Luhan…”
Luhan hugs Minseok back to his arms. He is more than happy to see his lover once again. And that night, they are cuddling in each other’s arms.
The next day, when Luhan wakes up, he looks to his side to see the doll back to being a doll. But instead of feeling down, he smiles warmly.
“Good morning Minseok.” He mutters and stretches his arms.
Things becomes normal; he takes a bath and dresses himself. He talks to Minseok for a while, saying goodbye and that he will be back later.
People inside the shop gasps and stares wide eyed when Luhan walks in, all smiles, and greets some customers.
“What is wrong with you?” Yifan asks, he is wiping the tables when Luhan walks in. But the latter just smile.
“Are you on drugs?” Tao asks next when Luhan walks in to the back area, and shakes his head with a popping ‘nope.’
Tao give him a skeptical look before walking out, already in uniforms.
As much as they want to pry Luhan, they have job to tend to so they try themselves to be normal around him. But not Luhan. He offers something to the customers and he often succeeds. Jongdae, the manager, seems to be not bothered anymore about Luhan’s weirdness because he is bringing in lots of luck today.
Finally, closing came and Luhan excuses himself first. They wave him off and he walks away seeming happy. And again, the weird looks from his friends.
*
When he gets home, Luhan calls out for Minseok. It’s not like the doll will talk back but Luhan loves to mention his name. He is dying to tell his friends back in the shop about Minseok but then they will think he is not normal so he keep this secret to himself.
“Minseok-ah! I have a great day today.” He slumps himself on the couch beside the doll. And in response the doll’s eyes flicker again to the color brown.
Luhan nods at Minseok before putting the doll on his lap.
When he retires that night to his bed, he lies awake, waiting for the moment the other night to come back. He pretends he is sleeping but his senses are awake. Alarming. Just then a small rustles make its way to his hearing and he shot up.
“Minseok!” he exclaims and the man beside him jerks. Obviously surprise by his actions.
Luhan chuckled and pulls Minseok to his arms, “I’m sorry if I scared you. I missed you, you know that?” he mumbles to his ear. He feels Minseok nodding against his shoulders and he pulls away, Minseok stares at him asking. “Can I kiss you?” Luhan asks and Minseok smiles before nodding.
Luhan crashes his lips to Minseok’s plump ones. Luhan is surprise that Minseok kisses him back. He is thinking that maybe a smack will be done but the responses make them move forward. Minseok pushes him down the bed his hands freely roaming on his body. Luhan moans in return and feels every touch Minseok give him.
And that night they become one. Again.
*
The whole thing about Minseok, doll remains hidden by Luhan from his friends. Even the times where they spend hanging out on his place, he keeps the doll hidden and later that night he will apologize for what he did and Minseok just nods and smiles at him, understanding him.
They will share moments every night and night only. Luhan thinks this is enough for as long as Minseok is there with him. He never thinks anything on the day but the night time to come. The set up, as what he understands, is that Minseok will only come alive during night time. As much as he wants to ask why to Minseok, he doesn’t ask. Besides, Minseok doesn’t talk back to him. Only nodding, smiling and shaking his head at him. Every night he often tells him what happened that day, like the usual thing they always do when Minseok is still alive. The latter just listens as he plays on Luhan’s hands. Sometimes hair and face, touching them, Luhan finds some of his touches ticklish and the more Minseok teases him, which will end up of course becoming intimate. These are the times where Luhan is happy to the point where he wants to cry.
*
Minseok suddenly becomes unresponsive to Luhan. Luhan will frown at him and decides to call it a night for the two of them, not noticing the look from Minseok. Unlike before where nights excite Luhan, the feeling is gone. He doesn’t dread for it but he isn’t happy somehow.
“Minseok, what is wrong with you lately?” he asks.
Minseok stares down and avoids Luhan’s eyes, because the look on Luhan’s eyes hurts Minseok. He wants to tell him that, but he can’t.
“Minseok, atleast please talk to me. Talk to me this time.” He begs.
Minseok slowly looks up, half meeting Luhan’s gaze. Then he shakes his head and raises his arms to reach for Luhan. Luhan silence himself because Minseok initiates the contact this time.
Both of them let it pass for that night.
*
The next night, goes back to normal. Luhan thinks what happens before is something normal. But on the following night, the doll remains a doll. Luhan panics and picks up the doll, shaking it and stares at its eyes and even stays awake for the next three hours. But nothing happens.
Nothing lasts forever, as they say. And the time comes which Luhan avoids as much as possible. That night, he cried himself to sleep. Hoping that the next day will be alright.
And Minseok remains a doll still on the next night. Luhan brings back his self on the day Minseok is gone. His friends often bang his door and beg him to open it because it is getting worse. His case is getting worse and this is not alright anymore. Whilst Luhan sulks himself, trying to block anything in the world, Minseok silently watches him. And then finally, he had enough.
The doll’s form changes and Luhan looks up in delight seeing Minseok walking towards him. He stands up and prepares himself for a hug but a slap meets his face instead. Luhan stares on the floor for a long time digesting what just happen.
“Enough Luhan.” Minseok speaks out finally.
Luhan will cry for joy when this happens, but the tone on Minseok’s voice makes him cower in fear.
“M-minseok…” he stutters and stares unbelievably on Minseok, finally gets the guts to meet his gaze while cupping the stinging cheek.
“I said enough Luhan. You have to move on. We can’t be like this forever!” Minseok clenches his fist and bit his lips hard.
Luhan stays silent for a while and tries to measure what Minseok said. “No.” he replies. “No way Minseok. I can’t.”
Minseok’s jaw tightened, he is close to losing himself. “Luhan, we both know that I’m gone and everything won’t be back to the things they used to be! Wake up Luhan. You have to let me go!”
Luhan fell on his knees before sobbing, “Then why did you show yourself up again? Why?!”
“It’s because I can’t stand seeing you like this. You are killing yourself.” He kneels down also and holds Luhan’s shaking shoulders. “I was trying to tell you to forget about me. But things went out of control and before I knew it, I practically lived on that doll. Thinking that I am once again part of your world which is not and I realized it every morning. But when I think of the night to spend with you, I suddenly forget it.”
“Then forget it Minseok! Forget it. Damn I’d be happy if you do it like this. I don’t care if you give me less response as long as you are here with me. I don’t care if it’s only at night.” Luhan looks up and hugs Minseok for his dear life.
Minseok helplessly rub his back and sigh. “Luhan you have to. Move on without me. Think of me as your happy memory and not the sad ones.” He whispers before pulling away and kisses Luhan. Luhan kisses back and slowly Minseok disappears. Luhan closes his eyes slowly and he collapses on the ground.
The next day, Luhan wakes up groggily. He is on his bed and he asks why before sitting up and looks frantically around searching for the doll.
No. The doll isn’t around. He dresses himself and walk towards the shop where he buys it and walks in, ignoring the man behind the counter’s greetings and goes directly to where it is placed.
None. The place is void of any doll. Luhan runs out the shop and returns to his place. He sits on the floor and tries to sink in everything that happens to him, if they really did happen.
“Move on… Let me go…”
A faint voice echoes through Luhan’s ears and he searches where it come from.
“Think of me as your happy memory…”
He grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls them in frustration. This is driving him crazy. He wants to find out where the voices came from. He stands up and his legs wobbles, his hands blindly reach for something to hold on as his eyes blurs. Then he catches sight of his photo with Minseok. They are both happy on the glossy paper.
A tear escapes his eyes. “Minseok-ah…” and he sob, hugging the picture frame as he slides down on the floor, a mess.
“I love you….”
“I love you too…” he mutters.
`end
Explanation: “Siken writes about special love marked by obsession and need and want.” This here, describes Luhan who was obsessed of wanting Minseok back.
“And you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down, you’ve memorized it, it’s all you know. I say the phrases that keep it all going, and everybody plays along.” This here, describes Minseok who plays along Luhan pretending he is alive and part of his world.