just wish it all away again; 1/1
Title: Just Wish It All Away Again
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Glee nor Matt Nathanson is mine. 'Tis a shame.
Spoilers: None, really. Maybe a teeny tiny, itty bitty casting spoiler if you look hard.
Pairings: Rachel/Puck
Summary: He asks her to marry him in the kitchen. On a school night in the middle of March.
Author's note: This is based off of Matt Nathanson's 'Wedding Dress.' I heard it for the first time a few weeks ago (yes, I do in fact live under a rock) and the wheels started turning. I actually find the song sad, so angst warning ahead.
It begins with a haze of white.
Dozens of pristine white acceptance letters from universities around the country.
That is how it starts.
---
i’m jealous of the moon, for how it moves the waves
He asks her to marry him in the kitchen. On a school night in the middle of March.
He stands near the counter, a Coke in his hand. She sits at the table, a letter in her hand.
There are stacks of acceptance letters on the table between them.
She stares at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. The letter in her hand drops and joins the others on the table. For the first time in her life, Rachel Berry is speechless.
“Noah…” she breathes.
His eyes squeeze shut for a second and anticipates the lecture he’s about to hear because this is where logical Rachel comes out. The tone of her voice and the way she draws out his name is just a prelude to the lecture with big words he doesn’t understand punctuated with little ones he doesn’t bother to listen to.
But it never comes.
Instead, between gulps of air, she asks, “Are you serious?”
Setting his pop can down, he swallows hard and nods. He can’t seem to find his voice.
This wasn’t planned. In fact, asking Rachel to marry him was never part of the plan. He’s not the settling down type (but neither is she).
The plan changed when he came to her house and saw the smile on her face and the stacks of letters offering her more than he knows he ever could. The letters are a promise to take her far away from Lima.
Far away from him.
He doesn’t want to hold her back.
He just wants to hold onto her.
So, he makes her a promise far greater than any one of those letters. He promises her forever.
“Rach,” he sighs, rubbing a hand down the back of his neck.
She’s laughing and crying all at the same time and he’s certain she’s going to call him an idiot. He’s ready to take it all back and make her promise to forget he ever said anything, but then she finally gives him an answer.
She says yes.
He’s just as shocked as she looks when the word slips from her lips that he laughs from a place deep within himself as he strides to where she sits. He tugs on her hand and easily hauls her out of her chair, into his arms. He twirls her around in his arms, her breath is warm against his neck.
She feels dizzy, so she holds on tight. Everything around her blurs, especially those pristine white letters of acceptance sitting forgotten on the table.
When he finally sets her down, he kisses her fully on the lips, but they’re both still laughing.
She’s in a daze - still shocked - so even when he flicks off the pop top of his Coke can, she doesn’t even flinch at the noise. He slides the jagged little loop of metal onto her finger and promises her a real ring.
For now, this is just a placeholder.
---
i wanna be holding you in
Puck empties his savings account and buys her a ring.
It’s just a speck of a diamond on a thin gold band, but it’s a real diamond.
When he takes her to the edge of the lake, he’s almost too embarrassed to give it to her, but he manages to get down onto one knee this time.
She tells him it’s just like a movie. He tells her to shut up - she’s ruining it.
“I promise I’ll get you a bigger one someday.”
Rachel holds out her hand, admiring the glint of the (small) diamond in the sunlight. “No,” she tells him resolutely. “No, I think this will do just fine.” She looks up at this hopeful face and smiles broadly. “It’s perfect, Noah. Thank you.”
She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him until he forgets about the ring. She even lets him get to third base in the cold (like she did the first time he ever brought her here).
---
in sickness and in health
The day he gives her the ring is the day they choose to tell her dads.
Rachel sits them down on the sofa and with Puck by her side, she details their relationship, Puck’s hopes and dreams (and his GPA and SAT scores) and offers them the more hopeful statistics concerning getting married at a young age.
She’s calm and organized and efficient about the entire process. But Puck is a nervous wreck at her side, because he can’t get over the way her fathers are staring him down. He’s pretty sure one of them could easily kick his ass.
She takes a breath (finally! The first one since she started) and tells them what they have already figured out: “Dad, daddy, Noah and I are getting married.”
“Are you pregnant?”
(Puck and Rachel are quick to learn this is always the first question logical people ask them when they tell them that they are getting married.)
“No, of course not!” she tells them defensively, her eyes narrowing.
Puck swears he feels his life flash before his eyes.
“Oh. Well then.”
The initial look of disappointment on her fathers’ faces is enough to break her heart. She has strived her entire life to make them proud (though she’s certain she could smile and it would do the trick) and she feels like with this one choice, she’s ripped that all away.
But, they manage their shock and put on smiles. They hug them both and offer their congratulations.
When Puck is gone, they ask her quietly in the kitchen if she’s sure this is what she wants.
She catches sight of the stack of acceptance letters piled on the counter. She hasn’t looked at them since the night Puck proposed.
“I’m sure I love Noah.”
---
to have and to hold
Telling Puck’s mom is easier than telling Rachel’s fathers.
At dinner, around the table, Puck casually mentions their engagement before asking his sister to pass the potatoes.
Mrs. Puckerman beams and gushes, “I always wanted you to end up with a nice Jewish girl, Noah.”
She’s so happy for them, in fact, she offers to help in whatever way she can. Especially with wedding planning. There is nothing she loves more than a wedding.
She mentions summer weddings are the loveliest.
Rachel thinks it’s worse than when she told her fathers.
---
to be with you, just to be with you
The deadline to choose a school rapidly closes in on Rachel.
Her top choice is NYU. Her second is Columbia.
But Puck didn’t get accepted to any schools in New York. Or the east coast. In fact, all he was accepted to was the Community College of Lima.
“What are we going to do?” he asks.
“I don’t know.”
He pushes his fingers through her hair and tilts her head back so that she will meet his eyes. He wants to tell her to go, but he’s selfish and he can’t make the words come out. He skates his lips across hers and feels her sigh against his mouth.
With his hands against her and his lips over hers, she feels something inside of her crack. Not enough to make a difference - not enough to break something - but enough to put the destruction into action.
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” she promises.
---
just wish it all away
They take second at regionals.
But the audience gives Rachel a standing ovation when she sings and it makes up for the loss.
Backstage, when Puck kisses her and tells her he’s proud of her, she thinks it might be the last time she sings on stage.
She feels another crack.
She cries silent tears on the bus back home. Everyone (including Puck) think it’s because they lost.
---
you're all that i have left
Finn broke Rachel when he couldn’t love her back.
Jon broke Rachel when he didn’t love her back.
And Puck.
Well, Puck picked up all the pieces and put her back together again.
Then he broke her all over again when he actually did love her back.
So, Rachel owes him a lot.
Her heart, for one.
That is why when he proposes a wedding in the late summer, she can’t help but agree.
---
i wanna let go
Graduation comes and goes without much fuss.
They celebrate with their friends until the wee hours of the morning.
And then high school is over, just like that.
---
it's all that i can do
Rachel has a plan.
After the wedding, they’ll move to New York City.
She’ll to go to NYU. Puck will work until he falls into his niche.
They’ll live in a cheap apartment. Even in Queens or the Bronx or Brooklyn if they have to. It’ll be simple, but they’ll be in New York and they’ll be together.
All the while, she’ll do whatever it takes to get her name in lights.
It will be everything she’s ever dreamed of.
---
and all i can see is my future in your hands
Puck bounds through her door excitedly one afternoon, shouting for her. “Rachel! Baby!”
She appears and she can’t help but smile when she sees his radiant face. His eyes are glowing and his grin is firmly in place.
“What is it?”
“I got a job! A real one, too. With a salary and benefits and stuff.” He’s laughing he’s so excited and he comes to pick her up. His arms wrap around her and he spins her.
“I’m going to buy you a house,” he promises. “A nice one. With furniture and junk. You’ll love it.”
He sets her down and kisses her, but she pushes him back.
“What about NYU?”
“What about it?”
“That’s where… That’s where I’m going to school, Noah.”
“But, babe, that’s in New York. My job’s here. In Lima. We said we’d stick together. Hell. We’re going to be married, Rachel.”
“I know. I just figured that we’d be together in New York.”
“Rachel, come on. Gracie’s here. This job’s here.”
“But Broadway’s in New York.”
He puts his hand on her cheek, stroking softly. “I’m here. Isn’t that enough?”
All of the cracks inside of her divide and conquer and something inside of her breaks.
---
even at my best
Fatherhood has markedly softened Puck.
Two years with his little girl has left him different. The second she was placed in his arms, he swore he’d change and be the kind of father she deserved.
But, he’s still Puck. Just a (semi-) nicer version of his former self.
At two, Grace is the spitting image of her mother. Gold hair and a sly, serious smile.
But she has her father’s eyes and they shine every time he picks her up and squeals, “Gracie!”
Rachel adores Grace. She, along with the rest of the glee club, practically helped Quinn and Puck raise her. But she can’t say she ever pictured herself being a step-mother. Can’t say she ever thought of herself being a mother, period.
One night, when they’re lying in the bed of his truck, and Puck’s looking at the stars and she’s looking at him (the stars make her heart hurt), he asks her if she wants kids one day.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s cool. Kids are kinda expensive, anyways,” he chuckles and it puts her at ease.
“Grace is lucky to have you,” she tells him softly, gliding her fingers down his cheek.
He grabs her hand and kisses each one of her fingers. “She’s lucky to have you. The kid idolizes you. Crazy and all.”
She punches his arm.
He just laughs and rolls on top of her. He brushes his lips over hers and groans when she shifts her hips underneath his.
“Although, our kids would be fucking gorgeous.”
---
and all that i can feel is how long ever after is
Rachel tries to not to think about the future because it scares her.
She’s the girl who always had a plan, a goal, something to strive for. But now, all of that’s different.
When she’s brave enough, she imagines her life with Puck. The little house they’ll have. What their children will look like. The simple life they’ll lead.
The only thing that keeps her head in the game is Puck. Because despite everything she’s so unsure of, she is sure of him. And even if they’ll lead a simple life in Lima, she knows it will be interesting because it’s with him.
Besides, she couldn’t bear to see the look of disappointment on his face if she took it all back.
---
in your wedding dress
She picks out her wedding dress alone.
It’s one of the times in her life that she wishes she had a mother.
Her fathers volunteered to go with her. So did Puck’s mom. And the feminine half of glee club (Kurt included), but it’s not the same.
The dress she picks is beautiful. White and pure. All lace and silk beneath her fingers.
It’s not exactly the dress she had imagined, but it’s pretty all the same.
She remembers that none of this is exactly how she imagined. It still has its beauty, though, and Puck is in the center of that.
---
and i wanna thicken my skin
Much to everyone’s surprise, Rachel is not a bridezilla.
In fact, she’s calm throughout the entire ordeal of planning a wedding in such a short time frame.
Mostly, it’s because she’s still in such a state of shock over the entire thing. She never thought she’d be a young bride. Certainly not a bride at the age of 18. She thought she’d have at least ten years to settle into her career (and fame) before she even considered marriage.
While Mrs. Puckerman and Kurt go over seating arrangements, she daydreams of the remote possibility some record producer will hear her sing by happenstance and want to hand her a record deal on a silver platter.
After all, when she wins her Grammy, it will be more heartfelt to thank her husband .
---
and i wanna be somebody else now
Finn, Quinn, and Grace playing together creates the most lovely scene.
The way they laugh together - loud and carefree - and the way they all look at one another with love and devotion.
Rachel thinks it’s exactly what a family should look like.
It’s almost so perfect it hurts.
They stop when they see her and Grace instantly runs into her arms.
“Hey, Rachel,” Finn greets her, smiling the same smile he’s always had, innocent and sweet. “I’ll, uh… let you guys have some girl time.”
“You sure you don’t want to come with to pick her dress?” Rachel asks Quinn, easily balancing Grace on her hip. “You are her mother, you’re allowed to have some input.”
“Whatever you pick will be fine.” Quinn pause and reconsiders, “Well. Just no short skirts.”
Rachel laughs. “Deal.”
“Are you getting excited?”
Rachel looks away from Quinn and the little girl on her arms. Grace’s eyes match her father’s so perfectly that it’s almost startling.
“Of course I am. Who isn’t excited about their wedding? There is just a lot of stress, naturally.”
The blonde tilts her head to the side and surveys Rachel. “You don’t seem excited.”
“There is just a lot more compromise than I ever imagined that goes into a marriage.”
“What have you compromised?”
“You know, it’s getting late. We better get out of here so we have time to try on a lot of different options. We’ll have her back after dinner,” Rachel tells her quickly, heading towards the door with Grace.
“Rachel,” Quinn calls after her. “What?” she demands.
“Everything,” she whispers before she dashes out of the house.
---
all the wrong things in fire
They rent an apartment downtown. It’s not the house he promised her, but it’s a start.
They don’t have much in the way of furniture. A hand-me-down kitchen table from her dads and a raggedy loveseat from his mother.
A mattress was the first thing they purchased together.
The white walls make Rachel want to slit her wrists, so while Puck is at work one day, she buys three gallons of paint and paints the entire apartment.
When he comes home, he finds her on the floor, paintbrush in hand, and speckled with paint.
“What on earth…”
She jumps up. “I painted.”
“I can see that.”
“Do you like it?” she asks hopefully, biting down on her lip as she watches him survey her work.
“It’s gold.”
“Exactly.”
---
so we lie here in the dark
“Noah?”
“Mmm?” he asks, half-asleep beside her.
“Are you awake?”
“No.”
She shakes him. “Noah, come on.”
“Damn it, Rachel. What?”
“Why are you marrying me?”
He’s more awake now and he turns to her. It’s dark, but he can make out her face in the shadows. “What kind of question is that?”
“An honest one. Give me an honest answer.”
“Because I love you.”
“Even though I’m crazy? And high-maintenance? And abrasive and stubborn and annoy the hell out of you?”
“Yes.”
“Is that the only reason?"
“Damn, Rach, it’s the middle of the night. Can’t this wait?”
“No. Tell me, is that the only reason you want to marry me?”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Even though we fight all the time? Even though we’re polar opposites?”
“We’re not that different,” he says, dragging her down beside him. “That’s how we got here to begin with, remember?”
And she does remember. Their scars were similar, their baggage closely matched.
They saved each other from drowning, she thinks.
It was enough then. It has to be enough now.
---
you're all that i have left
Puck is a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them.
He notices the faraway look in her eyes. He notices her even voice.
He knows her heart is breaking. She’s mourning her dreams and he thinks it’ll all pass. Grief doesn’t have that many stages, so when she gets through them, she’ll be back.
It’s asking a lot, he knows, to ask her to give it all up to be with him in Lima.
He asked her all the same.
He just didn’t think it would hurt so much.
It hurts him to see her fade before his eyes.
But he loves her way too much to take any of it back. And he’s never claimed to be selfless. Rachel knows that and accepts it, so there is no way he can let her go.
---
and you hold me in your arms
Their rehearsal dinner is at her parent’s house.
Practice makes perfect, so Rachel makes them rehearse the ceremony approximately 32 times before she lets them eat.
The house is filled with friends and family and it’s a happy place to be for the night.
Her dad makes a speech and it makes her cry.
It makes her think she doesn’t recognize her life anymore.
But she puts on a gracious smile and thanks every person who has come to support them.
Towards the end of the evening, when she’s tired of smiling, she sneaks outside and finds Puck standing in the backyard.
“Getting cold feet?” she asks quietly and he turns around and smiles.
“Of course not. There’s just a lot of people in there.”
He pulls her into his arms, wrapping them securely around her.
“Can you believe we’re going to get married tomorrow?” he asks, his voice is light, on the edge of laughing.
“Not at all.”
“Who would have ever thought we’d end up together?"
She laughs. “I don’t think we even thought we would.”
They stand together in silence. The noise of the party inside floats outside in a blur of words and laughter.
“Rachel?” he asks softly. “You’re going to show up tomorrow, right?”
Smiling, she loops her arms around his neck, “I promise.”
It’s the first time she’s made him a promise he didn’t believe.
---
i gave you away
Rachel slips easily into her wedding dress. All satin and lace and lovely.
When she looks at herself in the mirror, she doesn’t recognize herself.
She’s beautiful, of course. The white against her skin is a gorgeous contrast. And her dark hair in waves around her face makes it even more striking.
The knock on her (old) bedroom door startles her. She expects it to be one of her fathers, coming to tell her it’s time to go.
But her breath is knocked from her lungs when Puck passes through her door. He wears a suit and her father’s tie and a cautious smile.
“Noah!” she squeals. “You’re not supposed to see me. It’s bad luck.”
He doesn’t respond, just stands there with his lips curved upwards.
“Wow. That’s uh… you look amazing, Rachel. You’re beautiful,” he rasps.
“Thank you,” she whispers. “But you’re not suppose to be here.”
“I got you something.”
“A present?”
“Yes. It couldn’t wait until after the wedding.”
He walks to her and he’s staring again, transfixed by the sight of her in a wedding dress.
“What is it?” she asks excitedly. “What could be so important?”
Reaching into the pocket of his suit jacket, he removes his gift and places it in her hands.
“It’s a plane ticket.”
“To New York.”
Her eyes light up (for the first time in a long time and Puck knows he’s doing the right thing) and she asks, “Is this where we’re going for our honeymoon?”
“No.”
Her face falls and her lips twist in confusion. “Then…”
“It’s where you’re going.”
Rachel looks back down at the ticket. “It’s a one way ticket… oh.”
“I’m not going to be the guy who holds you back. It hurts like hell to let you go, but it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot worse to see the disappointment in your eyes every morning for the rest of our lives.”
“Noah,” she cries, tears pooling in her eyes. “Please.”
“I should have never asked you to begin with. I was scared and selfish and now… Jesus, Rachel, I’ve made a mess of you. So, you’re going to go to New York and you’re going to be a star and you’re not going to look back.”
“I love you, you know.”
He smiles and kisses her softly.
She turns, her back to him. “Help me with the zipper?”
---
It begins with a haze of white.
One pristine white wedding dress of silk and lace being flung away.
That is how it starts.