Longing For Home (6/9)
Sha’re found it ironic that Cate chose that day to say “dada” for the first time.
“We will see Daddy soon,” she whispered into the girl’s ear as she waited for the Stargate to finish dialling. She held onto her daughter tight while clutching Daniel’s note in her fist, not wanting to admit to herself that it might be the last communication she would ever receive from him.
“I’m sorry, Sha’re, but I had to do this. After seeing what the Goa’uld were capable of doing to Earth in that alternate reality, I couldn’t just stand by and watch it happen here. There is a good chance that I won’t be coming back this time, but I want you to know that I never abandoned you. I’m doing this for you and Cate, to protect you from the horrible things I saw the people of that other Earth experiencing. I love you - both of you - so very, very much. Please give Cate a kiss for me, and make sure she always knows how proud I am of her.
Yours always,
Daniel
P.S. Please give General Hammond my humble apologies for defying his orders, and tell him that if something goes wrong and the Goa’uld do attack Earth, I beg of him to grant me one final request - to allow you and Cate to be included in any evacuation plans that are made. Had I been on Earth, I’m sure I would have been on the evacuee list. I’d like the two of you to go in my place. That way you can still return to Abydos someday.
Always remember that I love you.
D.”
She had shown the note to General Hammond immediately, and his initial anger over SG-1’s blatant disregard for their orders had melted away. A few hours later, the Goa’uld ships had appeared, and the SGC began to send people through to the Alpha site. Sha’re and Cate were allowed to go along with all of the other evacuees. Sha’re could not remember ever being so frightened in all of her life, but she somehow managed to hold herself together for the baby’s sake.
Cate watched in fascination as the Stargate activated, shooting out a spiral of fake water before what Daniel called the “event horizon” appeared. She did not seem to be afraid of it, nor of the crowd of people that were gathered around them, but Sha’re was sure the ride through the gate would be another matter. She tucked the baby’s blanket up around her head as she stepped into it, hoping that would make the ride easier for the child to bear.
Once they arrived on the other side, Sha’re took a quick look around to get a feel for her surroundings. Cate began to whimper as she did so, which earned a few concerned looks from the people around her, but Sha’re just smiled reassuringly at them as she soothed her child and moved along. She did not want to talk to anyone just yet. She just wanted to find a quiet corner to sit and wait for word of her husband’s fate.
Major Ferretti, however, had other ideas.
“Mrs. Jackson?” he called as he rushed to her side. “Here, let me help you inside.”
She had no choice but to allow him to escort her into one of the hastily constructed buildings that had been set up not far from the Stargate. He led her straight to one of the empty cots inside and helped her sit down. She nodded her thanks to him, but instead of going on his way, he sat down beside her.
“Is there anything I can get for you?” he asked. “Or… for the baby?”
“No, thank you. We are fine.”
“Okay.” He looked down at his hands, obviously wanting to say something more but not knowing how. Then he looked up again and said hesitantly, “I… I feel bad about… what’s happening. My team and I were ready to go through the gate after SG-1, but we couldn’t get a lock on the planet they’d gated to. I just… want you to know we did everything we could to bring them back.”
Sha’re could feel tears stinging her eyes, but she did not allow them to fall. She took a deep breath and forced a slight smile. “I do not doubt that you did, Major,” she said. “My husband made his choice. I would not blame another for the consequences.”
That seemed to ease the man’s mind a little. “Thanks,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Just let me know if you need anything, alright? You probably don’t know many of the people around here, but most of them know me, so you can always send someone for me if I’m not around.”
“I will. Thank you.”
Sha’re sighed as the man walked away. Then she turned her attention back to Cate, who was still fussing a bit and sucking fretfully on her fingers. Sha’re leaned back against the wall beside the cot and began to feed her, draping the blanket over the baby and herself in order to give them privacy and hopefully drown out the strange noises that were making Cate nervous.
It seemed to work - Cate fed well and then fell asleep. Sha’re sat there for a while rocking her gently from side to side, trying not to notice that the other people in the room kept sending sympathetic glances her way. After a while, though, it became too much for her to bear. She rested her sleeping child against her shoulder, got up from the cot, and left the building.
The Stargate had just shut down after bringing yet another group of people through to this planet as she stepped outside. She did not recognize any of the faces that were passing her as they made their way into the buildings, until she felt a hand brush against her arm.
“How are you and Cate doing?” Janet Fraiser asked kindly.
“We are fine,” Sha’re said, stroking the baby’s hair as she fidgeted in her sleep. “Has there been any word from SG-1?”
“Not that I’ve heard,” Janet replied. “But that doesn’t mean their mission was a failure. I’ve learned by now that those four can work miracles if they try.”
Sha’re smiled, knowing that what Janet said was true. “Thank you, Janet. I have not yet lost hope.” She looked around then and asked, “Did they allow you to bring Cassandra?”
“Yes, thank God,” Janet said, pointing over her shoulder to where Cassie was sitting just outside one of the buildings, talking to one of the female officers. “Hopefully it won’t be necessary anyway, but I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I’d come without her. Still, that’s exactly what most of the people here are going through right now.”
Sha’re nodded gravely and looked around at the solemn faces surrounding her. She could not imagine having to come without her baby, either. Suddenly this whole situation seemed ten times more horrible.
“I have to go set up my new medical bay,” Janet said as she inched towards the door, “but don’t hesitate to come to me if you need to talk about… anything.”
“I appreciate that. Thank you,” Sha’re said with a slight bow of her head.
As Janet disappeared inside, Sha’re’s attention was drawn back to the Stargate. It had begun to activate again. She wasn’t sure how many groups were left to come through, but she could only guess by the amount of people that were there already that the evacuation was almost complete.
She stayed well out of the way as some of the men stepped towards the gate with their guns ready. She was expecting another crowd of people to flood through, but to her surprise, a single figure practically flew through the gate just before the power surged and it shut down.
There was quite a commotion as the officers swarmed around the man and checked to see if he was injured. She could barely see him as he sat up and seemed to be rubbing his head and talking to the men, but she felt a strange curiosity overtake her and pull her closer to the small crowd to see what was going on.
As she came within a few feet of them, one of the men turned and saw her there. He said something and stepped to the side, and a few of the other men followed his lead.
Sha’re gasped as she finally saw the newcomer’s face. “Danyel!”
Daniel grinned and got to his feet. “It’s okay, Sha’re,” he said. “It’s all over. The Goa’uld ships have been destroyed.”
Sha’re was so relieved she could not speak, but she did not have to. Daniel stepped towards her and enveloped both her and the baby in a gentle hug, and they stood there in silence until Cate began to squirm and protest her sudden confinement between her parents’ bodies.
Daniel laughed and took her out of Sha’re’s arms. “Hey, Kitten,” he said, using the pet name that always made Sha’re smile affectionately whenever she heard it.
“Dada,” Cate greeted him in turn, amid a lot of unintelligible baby talk.
Daniel gaped at Sha’re as though to see if she had heard what he had. “She said ‘dada!’” he exclaimed.
Sha’re smiled and nodded, clasping her hands in joy at the look on his face. He really did adore his daughter, and it did Sha’re’s heart such good to see it. “She has missed you,” she said.
Daniel cuddled his daughter close. “I missed you, too, baby girl,” he whispered.
Their moment was soon interrupted by a loud voice calling, “Daniel? Where the hell did you come from?”
Sha’re and Daniel both turned to see Major Ferretti heading their way. “Ferretti,” Daniel greeted him. “One of the ships in orbit had a Stargate on board. I used it to gate here just before they exploded.”
“Exploded?” Ferretti repeated in disbelief.
Daniel smiled. “Exploded. I don’t know yet what kind of damage was done, but at the very least they must have been completely disabled.” After giving his daughter one last cuddle and a kiss, Daniel reluctantly handed her back to Sha’re. “I have to get back to Earth and let them know what’s going on,” he said. “Once we’re sure the coast is clear, everyone here will be free to return through the gate.”
Ferretti finally seemed to regain his voice, and he clapped Daniel on the shoulder as he said, “That’s great news, Daniel. Great work. I’ll spread the word here.”
“Thanks,” Daniel said. “It shouldn’t take long.” He kissed Sha’re’s forehead and turned to go. “I’ll see you soon,” he promised. Then he trotted off to the gate and, after dialling Earth and using one of the other men’s GDO’s to open the iris, he vanished into the event horizon.
True to his word, Daniel returned through the gate a few minutes later with a slightly less exuberant attitude but with the best news they had heard in a long time - Apophis was dead, and they could all go home without fear. A loud cheer went up from the crowd that had gathered around the Stargate waiting to hear this announcement. Sha’re felt sorry for Major Ferretti as he tried to get everyone back under control in order to organize their mass exodus from the Alpha site.
Sha’re did not understand until they returned to Earth why Daniel’s mood had changed so much - the rest of SG-1 were still unaccounted for. She could see that he was very worried for them, but there was really nothing she could do to ease his mind on the matter.
Thankfully, it did not take long for them to hear word that his friends had escaped in death gliders and were on their way home. Yet still Daniel was not as happy as Sha’re had thought he would be. Their worst enemy was dead, and SG-1 were all alive. What was there to be sad about?
She tried to get him to talk to her about it, but he kept telling her that they would talk when they got home. Even then, however, it was not until they had put Cate to bed and had turned in for the night themselves that she was able to get so much as a word out of him.
“Tell me, Danyel,” she said as she grasped his shoulder to prevent him from turning on his side away from her. “What has made you so upset?”
Daniel sighed and turned to face her, taking one of her hands in his. “I have to tell you something that… you’re not going to like it, Sha’re.”
The pained look in his eyes sent fear through Sha’re’s heart. “What is it?”
Daniel raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. “We… we saw Skaara. The Goa’uld that has taken him as its host is Apophis’ son.”
Sha’re was confused by this. “You have seen him?” she asked. “Then… he is well? You can still find him again?”
Daniel looked as though he were about to cry. “Sha’re…”
Suddenly, she understood what he was trying to say. The ships that had been destroyed had been referred to as “Apophis’ ship” and “Klorel’s ship.” If Klorel was Apophis’ son, then that meant… “No!” she cried, snatching her hand away from him and sitting up in the bed. She hugged her knees to her chest and buried her face in her arms. “No!”
She felt Daniel’s arms around her then, and his voice whispering in her ear over and over, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” It was not enough to prevent her sobs escaping from her throat no matter how hard she tried not to let them come.
Daniel was so patient and wonderful that night as she poured out her grief and misery into his shoulder. He held her, stroked her, kissed her, spoke soothing words to her, all the while ignoring the bitter words she spat at him - “Why did you not save him? How could you just let him die? You promised you would bring him home! You promised me!” She regretted the words as soon as she had spoken them, but she could not seem to hold them back. Daniel merely kissed her again and rocked her back and forth while his own tears rolled down his cheeks and fell into her hair.
After an hour or so of this, Sha’re finally cried herself to sleep. Her dreams were filled with the faces of her brother, her father, and the rest of the family and friends she had left behind. Even though Daniel’s arms remained securely wrapped around her all night, she had never felt so alone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Daniel smiled as Kasuf’s face appeared on the monitor. The old man seemed confused but intrigued by the machine that had just rolled through the Stargate, and pressed his face close to the camera as he examined it. Seeing him alive and well made Daniel want to dance for joy.
Then it hit him - this was it. This was the day he would have to say goodbye.
Everyone was silent as he asked for permission to go. Jack looked down at the pen he was fiddling with, doing everything he could to avoid making eye contact with anyone. Sam looked like she either had a bad taste in her mouth or was trying not to cry. Even Teal’c had a look of sorrow in his eyes.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Dr. Jackson?” Hammond asked.
“Yes, General, I’m sure,” he replied, feigning confidence and hoping it was convincing everyone. “Sha’re has really been missing her family, and we both want Kasuf to know his grandchild. We’ll be fine, Sir.”
“Oh yes, I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Jack said in a tone that Daniel knew all too well meant “danger.” “Teal’c will be going with you… right, Teal’c?”
“Indeed I will,” Teal’c answered quietly.
“And Teal’c will also escort you back, won’t you, Teal’c?”
“Jack…” Daniel said, sighing and taking his glasses off to rub his eyes wearily. He really didn’t have the energy to argue with him about it.
“You will be returning, Dr. Jackson?” Hammond asked.
Daniel shook his head slightly. “I don’t know yet, Sir. I really don’t know.”
To Daniel’s surprise, Hammond looked rather hurt by this. “Well, whatever you decide, Son, just remember that there will always be a place for you here. You will be sorely missed if you leave.”
Daniel went momentarily speechless, these words touching his heart in a way that didn’t happen very often. “Thank you, General,” he finally said.
Jack slapped his hands down on the briefing room table and pushed his chair back forcefully. Then he stood up and stormed out of the room.
Daniel swallowed hard as the room fell silent. He hadn’t anticipated such an extreme reaction to his departure, not even from Jack. He cleared his throat nervously and stood up. “If you’ll excuse me, Sir, I have to go and fetch Sha’re and Cate. We’ll be ready to go within the hour.”
Hammond nodded and allowed Daniel to walk away.
Daniel couldn’t believe how hard it was to leave that room. If it were this painful before he even left, how would he manage to stick to his decision to stay on Abydos?
It didn’t help that Jack and Sam were heading off to D.C. for a special medal ceremony. He felt bad that he wasn’t going with him, yet at the same time, it seemed ironically apt that he couldn’t go. The government had chosen to award Jack and Sam with these medals, not him. It was like they were confirming just what he’d been thinking for a while now - he was the expendable one. Jack, Sam, and Teal’c did all of the important work while he translated stuff and discovered artifacts that nobody was interested in.
He felt as though that should ease his mind about leaving them, but it just made him feel worse. In fact, until General Hammond had said such kind words to him and Jack had stormed out of the room in disgust, Daniel had felt that no one would really notice his absence. Now he was starting to rethink the whole thing.
Sha’re was silent from the moment he picked her up in the car until they arrived at the SGC. She’d been very quiet for a few days, and it was starting to worry him. She looked tired and pale, and her eyes had once again lost their sparkle. Every time he’d brought the subject of Abydos up with her, she’d somehow managed to either steer the conversation onto another track or just not said a word. Daniel knew she was expecting him to leave her there, despite his repeated assurances that if she wanted to go, they would all go. He didn’t know how else to convince her that he wanted them to stay together, so he just didn’t say anything at all.
Cate didn’t seem to notice that anything was wrong, for which Daniel was grateful. She babbled away from the backseat throughout the entire drive, despite her parents’ silence. She had begun to be able to walk while holding someone’s hand a few weeks earlier, so when Daniel took her out of her car seat and lifted her up, she objected quite firmly. “Down,” she commanded.
“No down,” Daniel said. “Daddy has to carry you, okay?”
Daniel snapped his head around to look over at Sha’re as he heard her stifle a sob. She was turned away from him, so he couldn’t see her face.
“Sha’re?” he said. “Are you alright?”
“I am fine,” she said, turning to give him a forced smile. “Are we ready?”
Daniel didn’t answer. He shifted Cate a little to sit on his hip and held his free hand out to Sha’re. When she took it, he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “We’re going to be okay,” he said.
Sha’re nodded and dabbed at her eyes. “I know.”
Daniel kissed her temple, and they headed into the complex hand in hand.
Their first stop was the locker room, where Daniel had left their Abydonian robes. They quickly put them on, and then made their way to the gate room. That was when his resolve began to crumble.
Jack, Sam, Teal’c, and Hammond were all waiting at the base of the ramp looking more woebegone than Daniel had ever seen them.
“Have a good time, Son,” Hammond said, shaking his hand with a firm grip.
“Thank you, Sir. I’m sure we will,” Daniel said as Sha’re gave him a polite bow.
Daniel passed Cate to Sha’re as he came to Sam, and then wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders.
“Don’t be a stranger,” Sam said into his ear, sounding close to tears.
“We won’t,” he promised.
When he released her, he turned to Jack, who was still looking mightily ticked off about the whole situation. He held his hand out to him, and Jack clasped it in his own.
“Keep the door open for us,” Jack said significantly.
Daniel knew what he meant by that - Jack was planning to come to Abydos as soon as the ceremony was over, and was either going to escort Daniel back to Earth or drag him back by the scruff of his neck. “Of course we will,” he said. To his surprise, Jack then pulled him into a brief but heartfelt hug. It wasn’t the first time Jack had hugged him, but Daniel certainly hadn’t been expecting it just now.
Jack let him go just in time for Daniel to see Sam saying goodbye to Sha’re and Cate. This filled him with even more sadness, as he’d often lamented the fact that Sha’re and Sam hadn’t become close during Sha’re’s stay on Earth. Sha’re had gotten along so well with Catherine and Janet, yet for some reason, she and Sam had never really clicked. Now they never would.
He stepped aside as Jack moved to give Sha’re a quick hug goodbye and tweak Cate’s nose, and then before he knew it, the gate was dialling Abydos.
This was it. He was leaving.
Cate giggled and clapped her hands as the gate activated, but Daniel just wanted to cry. His legs felt like lead as he started to climb the ramp, but he took the baby from Sha’re, linked his hand with his wife’s, and put one foot in front of the other. Teal’c followed them without a word, and already Daniel could tell that he was taking his job of silent bodyguard seriously.
Daniel stopped once they reached the gate and turned to look back one last time.
“Bye bye,” Cate said, waving her fingers and smiling at Jack, Sam, and Hammond.
They all waved back just as Daniel stepped through the event horizon. He felt horrible for leaving at a time like that, but he just couldn’t stand it anymore. The looks of betrayal in their eyes were too much.
Kasuf was there to greet them as they came through, and Sha’re immediately fell into her father’s arms. That was one of the reasons Daniel had taken Cate from her before they had left Earth. The other was that he knew the girl would be a little shaken after the ride, which she was. She didn’t cry, but clung to Daniel’s shoulders as if for dear life.
“Sha’re,” Kasuf said, sounding relieved to see his daughter alive and well. He pulled back from her and took her face in his hands. “You are well?” he asked.
“I am, Father,” Sha’re replied. “You must meet your granddaughter.” She turned to Daniel and beckoned him closer.
A proud smile spread across Kasuf’s face as he nodded his head in greeting to Daniel and gazed lovingly upon his grandchild. Daniel turned her around so that Kasuf could see her face, but she ducked it shyly back into his neck.
“She is beautiful,” Kasuf declared. Then he looked over at Teal’c. “Who is your friend?” he asked.
“This is Teal’c,” Daniel replied. “He was once an enemy soldier, but now he fights along with us in our battle against the false gods.”
Teal’c bowed his head in greeting.
“I feel you have much to tell me,” Kasuf said, returning the gesture and then putting his arm around Sha’re. “Come, we must celebrate your safe return!”
He turned to leave the pyramid, but Daniel called him back. “Good Father?”
“Yes?”
“About Skaara…” Daniel paused and winced as Sha’re’s face suddenly fell again. “We… we’re not sure whether he’s still alive or not,” he confessed. “There is a demon possessing his body and the last we heard of him… he may be lost to us. I’m sorry, Good Father.”
Kasuf’s joyful look was replaced with one of seriousness as Daniel spoke, but he took the news well. He nodded gravely and said, “I believe you have done your best to save him. It is no fault of yours. Come.”
Daniel exchanged relieved glances with Sha’re and took her hand again as Kasuf led them out of the pyramid and across the sands to the nearby village.
A small crowd had gathered on the outskirts of the village for their heroes’ return, and the numbers quickly grew as word spread that Daniel and Sha’re had returned with their little one in tow. Daniel had never been so heartily greeted in his entire life, and he found it a little overwhelming. He soon lost count of how many hugs and kisses he received.
Sha’re seemed to be getting the same treatment, while Cate was snatched from her father’s arms and fussed over by every woman who could get within two feet of her. If Daniel had heard her utter so much as one frightened squawk, he would have taken her away from them in a heartbeat, but oddly enough, the child seemed to be enjoying the attention. Teal’c, meanwhile, had vanished to the back of the swarm. Daniel could only hope for Teal’c’s sake that he’d managed to avoid being smothered by the overly excitable Abydonians.
When they finally reached Kasuf’s tent, the crowd dispersed in order to give the family some time alone. Sha’re had rescued Cate from her new admirers by then, so she set her down in the middle of the floor with a couple of the toys they had brought for her.
Kasuf watched Cate in adoration as she sat playing, smiling and exclaiming over every little thing she did while still managing to ask Daniel and Sha’re question after question about what they had been doing in the time they’d been gone. He seemed very impressed that Daniel had been “out battling the gods,” but was pleased to hear that Sha’re had remained safe at home.
It was when Kasuf asked whether they were going to stay on Abydos that the room fell silent.
“We are… thinking about it,” Daniel answered hesitantly. He looked to Sha’re for help, but she was looking down at her hands.
“As much as I would like for you to find my son and bring him back to me,” Kasuf said, “and as much as I like to think of you fighting against the gods to bring justice to all those they have wronged, I miss my daughter and grandchild greatly.”
“I know you do,” Daniel said. “Believe me, I want nothing more than for Sha’re to be here among her family…”
Daniel didn’t get any further with that sentence, as Sha’re suddenly stood up and rushed out of the tent. He and Kasuf stared at each other in surprise for a moment before Daniel stood up and started after her. “Please watch Cate for a minute, Good Father,” he said before he ducked out of the tent and went looking for his wife.
It didn’t take him long to find her. She was sitting on the ground behind the tent with her arms around her knees and her face hidden from view. Daniel sat down next to her and stroked her back. “Are you alright?”
Sha’re lifted her head a little, and it worried Daniel how pale she looked. “I will be fine,” she said. “The trip through the Stargate has unsettled me, that is all.”
“Do you need me to bring you anything…?”
“Danyel,” she cut him off quietly. “I am once again with child.”
Daniel narrowed his eyes at her in confusion. “With… you’re… you’re pregnant?”
She nodded. “I did not know for certain until today,” she said. “I would have told you, but I was afraid you would not allow me to come here.”
Daniel wrapped his arm around her shoulders, giving her a gentle hug. “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s wonderful news.”
Sha’re’s lips trembled as she fought back tears. “No, it is not,” she said.
Again Daniel was surprised and confused. “Why not?”
“It makes this so much more difficult.”
“Makes what more difficult?”
Sha’re shuddered as her tears finally began to fall. “Saying goodbye.” She leaned her forehead against Daniel’s chest and started to sob.
“No… no, Sha’re… we’re not saying goodbye,” Daniel said, desperately trying to make her understand. “I’m not going anywhere without you. Not ever, do you understand? If you want to stay here, I’m staying, too.”
She lifted her head to look up at him, and he brushed the tears from her face with his fingertips. “But your work,” she argued. “You cannot leave now… who will take your place?”
“They’ll find someone,” he said. “What I do isn’t all that important anyway.”
“But it is! Danyel, you are the one who made the Stargate work… who discovered how to reach other worlds! You have saved your world and others so many times, and have made so many important discoveries that will save them time and again in days to come! How can you say that what you do is not important?”
Daniel smiled and kissed her forehead. “I didn’t realize you were keeping score,” he joked.
“And if you are gone, who will find Skaara?” she asked, ignoring his attempt at lightening the mood.
“Jack is looking for Skaara,” Daniel said. “I’m not needed for that.”
“No,” Sha’re said firmly, shaking her head. “I wish you to stay, Danyel. I wish you to fight until all Goa’uld are gone.”
“But what about you? I can’t live without you and Cate… and this new baby, too. If we can’t be together…”
“Then I will stay with you.”
Daniel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew how homesick Sha’re had been - how could she pass up the chance to come back? “Are… are you sure?”
“I am sure,” she said, straightening her back and putting her most determined expression on her face. “I wish for us to remain on Earth… at least until our child is born. The doctors on Earth were able to save our baby when no midwife here could have done so. It would be safer for me to have our baby on your world.”
Daniel didn’t even bother to argue the point further. He could tell by the look on her face that she had made up her mind. He didn’t look forward to breaking the news to Kasuf, but he couldn’t help but feel elated. For weeks, he’d been dreading this day - the day he would be faced with the choice of abandoning either his wife and child or his friends and the important work they did together. Now that choice was no longer an issue - he wouldn’t be abandoning either.
On top of that, they now had another baby to look forward to. Daniel felt in that moment, as he gathered his wife into his arms and kissed her tears away, that life couldn’t possibly get any sweeter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To be continued...