Longing For Home (4/9)
Sha’re held her breath as she watched Daniel cross the room, look anxiously over the doctors’ shoulders, and seem to stiffen in fear. Was the baby not well? Why could she not hear its cry? She had known of many women back on Abydos who had given birth to babies with no life in them at all, but she had felt the baby move just a short time ago. It could not be dead… could it?
Her fears were laid to rest moments later when she heard a sharp cry that was undoubtedly coming from her newborn child. One of the doctors turned to say something to Daniel, and he in turn looked over at Sha’re with a bright smile on his face. Sha’re finally felt that she could breathe again.
It wasn’t long before the female doctor handed Daniel a small bundle, and he slowly walked back over to her bed, his eyes fixed unwaveringly on the little life he held in his arms.
The child was still crying, so as soon as Daniel sat down beside Sha’re on the edge of the bed, he smiled and said, “I think she wants her mama.”
Sha’re’s heart soared. “A girl?” she whispered, taking the squirming bundle when Daniel held it out to her.
“She’s beautiful,” Daniel said, peeling the blanket away from the baby’s face with one finger.
Sha’re stared down at her child in awe and wonder. She really was beautiful, just as Daniel had said. Her cries were not shrill, but sounded so confused and frightened and angry that it made Sha’re feel such overwhelming love and sympathy for her. Her face was bright red, and her tiny lips wore a pretty little pout that reminded Sha’re so much of Daniel when things were not going his way. Her little eyes were shut tight, so she could not tell what they looked like, but she could already tell that she took after each of her parents in different ways. She was truly the perfect blend of both of them.
Daniel reached into the blanket and gently freed a tiny little fist. “I’ve heard lots of people say this, and I guess it’s true,” he said. “The first thing I want to do is count fingers and toes.”
Sha’re chuckled. She, too, was anxious to make sure that their baby was healthy and whole, so she understood exactly what he meant. “She is perfect,” she declared. She believed it with her whole heart. Whether the baby had ten toes or not, she was their very own child, and she was perfect.
“I agree.” Daniel sounded as though he was about to cry, but he covered his emotions by wrapping his arm around his wife’s shoulders and kissing her cheek.
Sha’re sighed and leaned against him as they both gazed down at their daughter, committing her every move and sound to their memories. “What will we name her?” she asked.
“I think I’ll leave that up to you,” Daniel replied, giving her a gentle squeeze. “You’re the one who did all the hard work.”
Sha’re pondered this for a moment. She had not been thinking about names during her pregnancy, as she did not yet know whether the child was a boy or a girl. Also, she had been raised to believe that the circumstances surrounding a child’s birth should be taken into account when choosing a name. This culture was so different from her own, and she had no idea what traditions there were for name choosing here. “I do not know many American names,” she said at last, hoping that her confusion and discomfort were not showing too clearly.
“It doesn’t have to be an American name,” Daniel assured her. “It can be any name you want. As long as Jack will be able to pronounce it, anyway.”
“I want our daughter to fit in here,” Sha’re insisted. “I want her to have a pretty, American name.”
“Okay… well, we do sometimes name babies after people that mean a lot to us. Is there anyone you’ve met here that you’d like to name her after?”
Sha’re did not have to think about this for long before her decision was made. “We shall name her ‘Catherine,’” she said.
Daniel smiled and kissed her forehead. “I like that,” he said. “Catherine it is.”
“Do you not give children two names in your culture?” she asked.
“Usually, yes.”
“You may choose the second,” Sha’re said, hoping he would not insist that she come up with another.
Daniel chewed on the inside of his lip for a moment as he thought, and then he called over to the female doctor who was still standing on the other side of the room writing something down on a piece of paper. “Dr… Stewart?” he called.
The woman turned and stepped towards them. “Yes?”
“May I ask what your first name is?” Daniel said. “We’re trying to decide on a middle name for our daughter, and I figure, why not name her after the doctor who saved her life?”
Dr. Stewart beamed. “Alexandra,” she said. “And I would be honoured.”
“Catherine Alexandra Jackson,” Daniel said, letting the name roll slowly off his tongue. “That’s a long name for such a tiny little thing.”
“It is beautiful,” Sha’re breathed. “She will grow into it.”
Daniel laughed. “Yes, she will,” he agreed. “And Jack won’t have any problems with it,” he added, nudging her gently as emphasis to his little joke.
Sha’re smiled and stroked the baby’s soft, dark hair as Catherine finally began to calm down after her very first fit of tears. If what she had been told by the women of her village was true, the first few weeks of motherhood would be exhausting and frustrating, but right now she was completely at peace. She made a vow in that moment that she would enjoy her child as much as she could, and love her wholly and unconditionally.
When she looked over at Daniel and saw the love in his eyes as he looked down at their child, she knew he would do the same.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Daniel, she has your pout.”
“I do not pout.”
“Yes, you do. Look, this is exactly what it looks like.”
Daniel opened his mouth to reply, but he knew it was pointless to argue with Jack, so he snapped it shut instead.
“See?” Jack said triumphantly. “You’re doing it right now!”
Daniel looked over at Sha’re for support, but she was hiding her laughter behind her hand. Or at least, she was trying to.
“Sam?” he implored, turning to the woman who was currently holding baby Catherine.
“Sorry, Daniel,” she said. “I think the colonel’s got a point.”
Last resort… “Teal’c?”
Teal’c bent slightly to get a good look at the baby’s face. “She does indeed have your pout, Daniel Jackson.”
Daniel threw up his hands in defeat. “Well, at least she’s got a good reason to pout, being surrounded by all of you,” he said, feigning grumpiness. “Which is exactly what causes my alleged pouts, I’m sure.”
“Leave the poor boy alone,” Catherine said, stepping closer to Daniel and putting her arm around him. “We’re supposed to be helping him celebrate, not teasing the life out of him.”
“Thank you, Catherine,” Daniel said pointedly, aiming a smirk in Jack’s direction.
Jack rolled his eyes. “You know, this could get a bit confusing,” he said. “There are two Catherines now. How are we going to know which one people are talking about when they just say the name?”
“You can always call baby Catherine ‘Cathy,’” Sam suggested.
Daniel wrinkled his nose as he mulled this over. “I don’t think she really looks like a Cathy,” he decided.
“Katie?”
Daniel tilted his head from side to side. “Maybe. It’s a bit childish, though, don’t you think? I mean, I was ‘Danny’ as a kid, and I had a hell of a time shaking that once I got older.”
“True,” Sam said. “What about Cate?”
Daniel looked at Sha’re for her opinion. “Cate with a C?” he asked.
Sha’re smiled faintly and nodded. Daniel realized then that she looked exhausted.
“Okay, everybody, I think visitors’ hours are over for now,” he said, taking the baby from Sam and gently handing her back to Sha’re. “Sha’re needs her rest and… Cate… will need to be fed.”
Their four friends grumbled and groaned as they were ushered to the door, but they each managed to say their goodbyes to Sha’re and Cate before they left the room. Then Daniel, Sha’re, and Cate were once again alone.
Daniel stretched himself out on the edge of the bed beside Sha’re as she began to feed Cate, stroking his daughter’s soft hair and leaning his forehead against his wife’s shoulder. It was starting to dawn on him just how much his life was about to change, and he felt strangely at peace about it. Parenthood might be the greatest challenge anyone ever had to face, and he might not have had the best of examples set for him by his parents and foster parents while growing up, but he was determined to do the best job he could at taking care of this little life that had just been placed in his hands. It was the most exhilarating feeling he’d ever had.
This feeling lasted for the next forty-eight hours or so, as he and Sha’re settled into their new roles as parents. Sha’re spent the first night in the hospital, but soon Daniel was able to take his beautiful girls home, where they would forever be his responsibility. It felt so good to watch his wife caring for their daughter with her gentle, skilled hands.
He helped out as much as she would allow, which meant changing the occasional diaper, helping with the baby’s baths, and rocking her to sleep if Sha’re was too tired to do it herself. He found out early on, however, that Sha’re wanted to handle the majority of Cate’s care, which Daniel assumed was because she knew he wouldn’t be around much once he went back to work and she wanted to get used to doing it all herself. Still, it hurt a little when she pushed him away from the baby on their second day home when he went to pick her up out of her crib as she cried.
That was the moment his feeling of exhilaration abandoned him, leaving him feeling deflated and confused.
It didn’t help that on the day that Daniel returned to work at the SGC, Cate’s third day at home, he and Sha’re had the first real fight of their entire marriage.
He’d woken up bright and early, hoping to get to the base well before schedule so that he could spend some time catching up on work in his office before his scheduled briefing at 0700, and hadn’t wanted to disturb Sha’re just to say goodbye. He kissed her forehead before getting out of bed, and then went over to the crib to stand looking down at Cate’s sweet face for a minute or two. He tucked her blanket more securely around her and laid his hand softly on her stomach just to feel her breathing. He couldn’t believe how good it made him feel.
When he finally managed to tear himself away from his daughter’s crib, he took a shower and made himself a quick breakfast, and was just sitting down to eat when he heard Cate start to cry. He knew Sha’re would see to it, so he kept on eating and didn’t go in to them right away.
Seconds later, a frantic Sha’re rushed out of the bedroom and straight past the kitchen to the living room.
“Sha’re?” he called, getting up out of his chair and hurrying after her. “What’s wrong?”
She spun around to face him as he entered the living room, and Daniel could see that she was clutching the baby protectively to her chest as tears ran down her cheeks.
In that one split second, Daniel’s mind threw at him every worst-case scenario it could possibly think up. Cate wasn’t crying now, but she had been a second ago. Surely she couldn’t be ill or worse when she’d just been sleeping peacefully ten minutes ago?
“I thought you had gone!”
Daniel blinked in confusion. “What?”
“I thought you had left us,” Sha’re said, her tears still falling as she glared at him.
“Left you?” Daniel repeated in disbelief. “Sha’re, I told you I was going back to work this morning. I didn’t want to wake you…”
“You would go without kissing your wife and daughter goodbye?” she demanded. “You are so anxious to leave us and return to your friends?”
Daniel’s jaw just about hit the floor. “I… no!” he stammered. “I just… you were…”
“Why do you care so little about your child?” she cried through her sobs. “Do you not want to see her grow? You can so easily walk away?”
Daniel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’ll only be gone for a few hours,” he said, throwing his arms out to the sides in frustration. “How is that me walking away?”
Sha’re didn’t answer, just slumped down onto the couch looking miserable and dejected.
Daniel sighed and squatted down beside her, taking Cate from her as the baby began to cry in fear at her parents’ raised voices. He kissed the baby’s soft cheek and cradled her in his arms, murmuring soft, soothing words to her as he tried to calm her down.
Sha’re watched his every move closely, her tears finally ceasing along with her daughter’s. Daniel took the opportunity while both of them were silent to speak.
“I will never leave you,” he said quietly but firmly.
Sha’re reached up a trembling hand to wipe the tears from her face. “The thought of the dangers you face… it frightens me so,” she whispered.
Suddenly, her behaviour of the past few days all seemed to make sense. “That’s what this is about, isn’t it?” he said. “I came home injured, and you’re afraid that next time it’ll be worse… that I’ll die and leave you here alone.”
She looked down at her hands and didn’t reply.
“I’m being as careful as I can be, I promise you,” he said. “I don’t want you to have to raise Cate without me, and I don’t want her growing up without a father. There’s just no way I can be on SG-1 and look for Skaara without running into danger every now and then.”
“Please just go,” she said, leaning forward to take the baby out of his arms.
Daniel didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t understand why Sha’re was acting like this. He had never known her to be so unreasonable before. “Catherine will be stopping by later to give you a hand,” he said as he rose to his feet. “I’m going to be at the base all day, okay? I don’t have any missions scheduled for another week, so… if you need anything, just call me.”
Sha’re didn’t answer or look up at him.
Daniel sighed. “I love you,” he said. When there was still no reaction, he bent down and kissed the top of his wife’s head. Then he grabbed his coat and left.
As soon as he was out the door, he felt guilty for just leaving her like that. What else could he do? He had been made the head of the archaeology department at the SGC, and that meant work and lots of it. He couldn’t afford to spend any more time at home than was absolutely necessary.
Still, maybe looking after his distraught wife and newborn child was absolutely necessary.
He batted these questions around in his mind all day long, finding it hard to concentrate on his work because of it. There just didn’t seem to be an easy way out of this situation. Either he would let his wife down, or he would abandon the work he was being relied upon to do. The inner battle he was fighting over it was giving him a headache.
He had to stop by the infirmary that afternoon for a check up, as Dr. Fraiser wanted to make sure his injuries were healing properly, but he was so busy fretting over everything that he completely forgot about his appointment until he was already ten minutes late. He rushed straight to the infirmary as soon as he realized the time, and ran in just in time to see Dr. Fraiser pick up her phone to call down to his office.
“Ah, there you are,” she said, sounding anything but amused. “I thought you’d forgotten your appointment.”
Daniel shot her a sheepish smile. “Sorry,” was all the apology and explanation he was able to give.
She patted one of the cots and started getting her instruments together as he took off his shirt and hopped up onto the bed.
“So, how are mother and baby doing?” she asked as she started her examination.
“The baby’s fine,” he said, unable to hide the smile that always broke out on his face whenever he thought about his daughter. “She’s… she’s perfect.”
Dr. Fraiser smiled. “What did you call her?”
“Catherine Alexandra,” Daniel answered proudly. “Cate for short.”
“That’s beautiful.” She pressed a stethoscope to his chest and said, “Deep breaths.”
Daniel obeyed, thankful that he’d made it through the conversation without letting on how miserable they had become.
“So, what about your wife?”
Daniel let his deep breath out in a rush, sagging slightly in disappointment. “Uh… she’s doing okay,” he said. “A bit emotional, but… she’s good.”
“That’s understandable,” Dr. Fraiser said as she moved on to poking and prodding around his rib cage. “A woman’s body goes through so many changes throughout the pregnancy and after the birth that sometimes her hormones can be out of whack for a while. Is she having mood swings?”
“Oh yeah. Big ones. She went from fearful to angry to miserable in a matter of seconds this morning.”
“Does she seem depressed? Cry for no reason? Cling to the baby and want to do everything for her?”
Daniel gave the doctor an odd look. How did she know? “Yes. I think she’s just worried about something happening to me, though. She misses her home and her family.”
“It’s not uncommon for a woman to go through something like this after having a baby, Dr. Jackson, especially in a case like your wife’s where she’s been cut off from everyone and everything she knows and doesn’t really have the support system new mothers need. The hormones plus the overwhelming feeling of being a fish out of water would make these first few weeks very hard on her, I would imagine. It sounds like she may be suffering from post-partum depression, or perhaps just what they call ‘baby blues,’ which is a less severe form of the condition.”
“What should I do?” Daniel asked anxiously.
Dr. Fraiser smiled and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Just let her know she has your full support; let her know she’s not alone in this. Small things like… bringing her some little thing you know she would like when you come home from work, just so she knows you were thinking about her while you were gone… things like that can go a long way to making a woman feel happy and loved. Also, if the depression persists, there are some treatments that can be very beneficial. I’m sure she’ll be herself again in no time.”
Daniel rubbed his hands nervously against his thighs. “I sure hope so.”
“I’d be happy to stop by and talk to her sometime if you like,” she offered. “Maybe she has some questions I could answer to put her mind more at ease.”
“Would you? That would be great,” Daniel said, feeling a great sense of relief at her offer.
“Of course. I’ve been looking forward to meeting her. I can stop by on my way home from work tomorrow.”
Daniel walked out of the infirmary moments later feeling pounds lighter thanks to this conversation. He really had begun to think that Sha’re’s homesickness was making her ill, but Dr. Fraiser’s calm explanation had eased his mind considerably. Now he just had to think of little ways he could show Sha’re that he cared.
He made a quick trip to a gift shop after he left work that evening, and it didn’t take him long to get what he needed and make his way home. Catherine greeted him as he came through the door. She was putting on her coat and shoes, getting ready to leave.
“They’re both asleep,” she told him quietly. “I wanted to wait until you came home before I left in case Sha’re woke up.”
“How has she been?” Daniel asked.
Catherine shook her head. “She keeps bursting into tears over the slightest things. I’ve been a bit worried. This isn’t like her.”
Daniel nodded and gave the elderly woman a brief hug. “Thanks, Catherine,” he said. “I can take it from here.”
Once Catherine had left, Daniel quietly entered the bedroom to find Sha’re fast asleep on the bed. He peeked into the crib to check on Cate first, saw that she was sleeping peacefully, and so turned his attention onto Sha’re.
He went over and gently sat down beside her, setting the little bundle he’d brought with him from the car down on the foot of the bed. She looked so worn and worried even in her sleep that it broke his heart.
After a little while of just watching her sleep, he leaned down and kissed her cheek, smiling when she sighed and tried to open her eyes. “Hey,” he said when she managed to crack one open to look up at him. “I’m home.”
“Danyel.” She sat up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him so tight it was almost as though she hadn’t seen him in weeks. “I am so sorry that I spoke to you so shamefully,” she said, her voice muffled against his shoulder. “Please forgive me.”
“Of course I do,” Daniel said as he stroked her back in a slow, circular motion. “You’ve just had a baby, Sha’re, and your body is going through a lot of changes. That’s all it is.”
“I miss my father,” she whispered.
Daniel winced in empathy, not at all surprised by her sudden change of subject. “I know you do,” he said. “But you’ve done so well through all of this. I really am proud of you.”
“How can you say I am doing well when I cannot stop crying?” she asked as she pulled away from him to wipe the tears from her eyes.
Daniel smiled and brushed away one that she’d missed with his thumb. “It’s just because of having the baby,” he said. “Dr. Fraiser called it ‘baby blues.’ She’d like to come over tomorrow and talk to you about it, if it’s okay with you.”
Sha’re nodded and then took a deep breath. “I should get you your supper,” she said, turning as if to get off of the bed.
Daniel stopped her. “You don’t have to do that,” he said. “You’re exhausted. You should rest.” Before she could argue, he reached for the items he had left at the foot of the bed. “Here, I brought you something,” he said.
Sha’re gasped as he held out a single red rose. “Oh, Danyel, it is lovely,” she said, taking it from him and holding it to her nose. “Thank you.”
Daniel smiled, thankful his little gift had gone over well. “There’s something else, too,” he said. He scooted up further onto the bed so he was sitting with his back against the headboard and held his arm out for Sha’re to snuggle up next to him. Then he showed her the little pink book he’d bought.
“What is it?” she asked.
“It’s a sort of record book, where we can keep track of everything that Cate does as she grows up. Her first laugh, her first tooth, her first step… there’s a place for all of it. Look, there are even places you can put things like a lock of her baby hair or the first tooth she loses as she gets a little older. And every year we can add a new picture of her to see how she changes and grows.”
Sha’re was silent as she leafed through the pages of the book, but Daniel could tell by the look in her eyes that she loved it.
He gave her a loving squeeze and kissed her hair. They were going to be okay.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To be continued...