A Load of Goat’s Testicles, for the H/C Bingo prompt: Surprise Sexswap
Title: A Load of Goat’s Testicles
Fandom: Torchwood, Doctor Who
Rating: Soft T
Characters/pairings: Torchwood team/Sexeh surprise
Warnings (including spoilers): Crack. But tasty crack :)
Wordcount: 1,149 words
Summary: A Surprise Sexswap™ occurs in the midst of a perfectly normal day in Cardiff. For the 'Surprise sexswap' square on my hc_bingo card. And yes, it's meant to be like that. Sorry about all the stolen references, including the offensive one(s).
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Things were proceeding normally at Torchwood Three one entirely usual rainy day when all of a sudden, a Surprise Sexswap™ occurred.
Jack ran out of his office, where he’d been avoiding paperwork, yelling at bureaucrats on the phone and having sex with Ianto, all at the same time. “Yes!” he shouted when he saw that the rest of his team had also been affected by the Surprise Sexswap™.
“What the bloody fucking fuck is going on?” Owen shouted, emerging from the Medical Bay with his doctor’s coat hanging awkwardly on his suddenly even thinner shoulders. “I just found a fantastic video called ‘Frisky lesbian teens get friendly’ and suddenly I’ve got no fucking cock! Who the fuck fucking did this?”
Gwen appeared on the platform next, her much-less-attractive-as-a-male eyes tearing up from her dramatic angst. “Jack, how am I meant to go home like this? Rhys won’t understand and he won’t love me anymore and I’ll be all alone like you losers! Jack, you have to do something for me!”
“Don’t worry Gwen, I’ll fix this,” Jack said like a boss while examining his awesome new breasts. “Now where are Tosh and Ianto? I can’t sleep with you despite our totally hot sex vibe and I have a paternal relationship with Owen, even though he’s a total slut which I should love, but I really need to try out this new body before the effects wear off.”
Gwen began crying totally faithful-to-Rhys tears of sadness, so nobody heard Tosh ask when the effects would wear off. It didn’t help that, although she was really hot in her new body, her innate shyness meant that it was almost impossible to notice her even though she was standing right next to her desk.
Ianto appeared from the area where the coffee machine was, where he’d been creating the next great coffee blend, crying about how nobody loved him and his girlfriend was dead, shagging Jack, cleaning the Hub, fixing the Archives (horrible, unorganized place) and secretly being a Time Lord in disguise. Ianto was busy, and he frowned at Jack for interrupting his day. “When will the effects wear off?” he asked, because he was smart as well as sexy with his hands on his newly curvy woman-hips.
Jack was almost distracted by the unbelievably hot appearance of his part-time-shag/lover/secretary/true-love-even-though-he-can’t-admit-it/Time-Lord-in-disguise/cuddlebug, but managed to overcome the overwhelming lust that rose as a result of their telepathic/emotional soul-bond. He cleared his throat and answered.
“We have six hours to shag each others’ brains out,” he announced. “This is not optional. It’s happened before, and if we don’t have sex we could all die.”
“That’s a load of goat’s testicles!” Owen shouted. “I’m a doctor!”
Gwen ripped off her top and started at Jack while Tosh made eyes at Owen, who almost literally looked straight through her. Ianto sighed and began carefully removing his suit because he had horrible OCD and would cry if it wrinkled.
Jack spent about five seconds touching Gwen with his magic hands, made her come three times and then stepped aside as she crumpled to the ground, about ten times more in love with him except not because she had Rhys.
Jack walked straight into Tosh. “Oh, Tosh, didn’t see you there.” He peered over her head and caught a glimpse of pale, female Welshman skin and his heart and loins both tugged him in that direction, even though he was currently embracing a perfect ten of Asian beauty. “Hey Owen,” he called distractedly, “why don’t you and Tosh have sex. I’ll be too busy making sweet, ansgty, avant-garde love to Ianto to take care of you two, even though I am a Memetic Sex God and could do you all with my hands tied behind my back, literally.”
Owen glanced at Gwen, a puddle of lovestruck goo on the floor, and shrugged. “It’s not like I can do any better at the moment."
Despite her heartbreak at the thought that she wasn’t her One True Love’s One True Love, Tosh ripped off her shirt, baring a totally hot six-pack and some damn fine pecs.
Owen looked her over and sighed. “At least you’re a virgin in this body despite it being your original body in male form and Sexswaps shouldn’t affect virginity like that.”
Tosh was so pleased to have gained the approval of the most handsome and intelligent man in her universe that she ignored her pain and proceeded to ravish the fuck out of Owen’s scrawny yet inexplicably attractive and randomly blonde woman’s body.
Meanwhile, Jack and Ianto were having sex so fantastic that the universe was literally shuddering a bit around them, as a result of Jack’s immortal effect on the universe, Ianto’s secret legacy as the true heir of Rassilon and the Doctor (by loom, of course, because the Doctor was in an unbreakable OTP with the Master who was actually River Song’s evil clone), and because their never-before-seen-in-this-universe bond was creating a wave of love and sexiness that would single-handedly cure cancer, end three intergalactic wars and make one Martian robot working in a restaurant at the end of the universe happy for nearly three whole seconds.
When they came, the Queen of England laughed.
“That was the best sex I’ve ever had,” Jack said, grinning so attractively that Gwen came again on the other side of the room.
Ianto smiled weakly, not believing that Jack could possibly love him because he was ugly and from Earth and not a Time Lord (he didn’t know yet that he was Time Lord royalty and the Doctor would fall in love with him and they would have happy threesome sex with Jack for the rest of eternity) or Gwen or an alien with eight penises.
At that moment, Tosh and Owen orgasmed, crying out in a moment of perfect ecstasy and love which Tosh would keep in her heart forever and Owen would forget the moment he started to watch ‘Frisky teen lesbians get friendly.’
“Wait!” Gwen cried. “What about me?!”
The other looked at each other. “I guess Rhys doesn’t expect his boyfriend to be faithful,” Jack reasoned. “Okay, orgy!” he declared.
They all started having sex with everyone, and the Bad Wolf Saw That It Was Good.
The Doctor’s Tardis appeared, drawn by the hot wave of love from Jack and Ianto’s ferociously sexy sex. The Time Lord himself stepped out and immediately noticed the Surprise Sexswap™ in action. “Jack, what have you done?” he complained, trying to hide the fact that he was dreadfully insecure about his constantly-regenerating body.
Very suddenly he was caught in the Surprise Sexswap™ and looked at himself in a convenient nearby mirror. He was very gratified to see that he was now very attractive, but more importantly-
“I’m ginger at last!” he cried, and leaped lustfully into the massive writhing pile of Sexswapped human/immortal/secretly Time Lord flesh.
Now with a sequel! The Sequel of Sex
My H/C Bingo Card