Fic: Close to the Chest: Chapter 5 (Buffy/Willow)
Title: Close to the Chest
Chapter 5: Out of the Darkness
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: Erm, dark-ish issues. I tried to stay on the lighter side of the darkness, but part of this chapter deals with Buffy’s emotional state in S6 and also references that time when Dawn cut herself in S5.
Summary: Buffy and Dawn talk it out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Willow scrambled to cover herself with a pillow.
“I’m just gonna…” Dawn gestured vaguely toward the door before turning and hurrying from the room.
“You should talk to her,” Willow pointed out unnecessarily.
“Yeah, I know,” said Buffy with a sigh. “Wait here for me?”
“Like I’m gonna bail now.” The witch rolled her eyes.
Buffy leaned in and gave Willow a brief kiss before turning to leave the room and shutting the bedroom door behind her.
“DAWN!” Buffy called out. Then, “Oh - you’re right here.”
The teen was leaning against the wall just outside of Buffy’s room, arms crossed over her chest and eyes locked on the floor.
“Hey,” Dawn said quietly.
“Hey,” Buffy echoed, unsure of how to get around the awkwardness. “Wanna talk?” she suggested, leaning against the opposite wall now.
“Not really,” Dawn answered moodily.
“But you stayed,” said Buffy warmly, hoping Dawn understood that this meant a lot to her.
“Yeah.”
“I think you’re actually maturing as a person,” Buffy told her. “Which might actually be one of the signs of an impending apocalypse,” she added as an afterthought.
“That’s me,” Dawn said with sarcastic cheer. “Dawn Summers, the fourth horseman.”
“For some reason that just made me picture you as a centaur,” said Buffy, shaking her head to clear it of the image.
“Weird much?” Dawn asked with raised eyebrows.
“Dawn, I’m the poster girl for weird,” Buffy stated bluntly.
The sisters shifted uncomfortably, staring anywhere but at each other.
“You gonna say it’s not what it looked like?” Dawn questioned.
“No, it’s pretty much exactly what it looked like,” Buffy answered plainly. “I mean, I guess it depends on what you thought.”
“I’m thinkin’ it was either sex or you’re too lazy to go shopping and so you were trying to milk Willow,” Dawn quipped.
Buffy burst out into laughter at this and sank into a sitting position against the wall. After a moment, Dawn began to chuckle too. It began as laughter at her own joke, but it turned into laughter at the fact that Buffy was still laughing, eyes watering slightly. Buffy caught site of the milk carton still in Dawn’s hand and her laughter redoubled.
“I’m sorry,” said Buffy, taking deep breaths to calm herself. Dawn copied her sister and had a seat there in the hall, setting the milk carton beside her. “And I’m sorry,” Buffy added seriously. “That’s not exactly the way I would’ve picked for you to find out.”
“How would you have done it?” Dawn inquired.
“Probably some kind of pow-wow in the living room.” Buffy shrugged. “Hopefully something that ended with a group hug.”
“D’you love her?” Dawn asked abruptly.
“Yeah, I do,” Buffy replied softly.
“D’you really though,” Dawn challenged. “You didn’t love the last person you slept with.”
“Dawn, it’s not like that,” said Buffy quietly, stung by her sister’s words. “It’s pretty much the exact opposite actually. With Spike it was - well, it was bad.”
“Then why did you do it?” Dawn demanded in frustration.
“I - it’s hard to explain,” said Buffy, fighting to keep her voice steady as she spoke. “I’m trying to think of the right words and it’s - it’s hard for me to talk about.” Buffy looked up at the ceiling and blinked several times in rapid succession. “Do you remember that time you cut up your arm?”
“Yes,” Dawn answered tersely.
“That’s what it was like with Spike,” said Buffy shortly. “Being with Spike was my version of cutting myself.”
“Why?” Dawn asked again.
“Why did you cut your arm?” Buffy countered calmly.
“I thought I wasn’t real,” Dawn screeched, immediately defensive.
“You wanted to feel something,” Buffy finished for her. “Something intense. Just to make sure you were actually alive.” There was a moment of tense silence as understanding passed between the two sisters.
“After Willow,” the Slayer began, but stopped herself and rethought her words. “After I came back - it was like I couldn’t feel anything. All the things that used to make me happy - make me sure of myself - they didn’t feel like they should. Everything was so meaningless compared to what I had lost. All the good things were just an echo of how they were supposed to feel.” Buffy closed her eyes, breathing slowly and willing herself to continue.
“And then there was Spike,” she said at last. “Spike said I opened up to him because it didn’t have to be real with him. In some ways that was true, but in others - he made it more real than anyone else could. The only things I could feel were the things that were so different from what I - the worst things. I could only feel my worst emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, self-loathing. And Spike could make me feel them all at once.”
“I didn’t know it was like that,” Dawn said quietly. “I thought he was just a distraction.”
“He was that too,” Buffy replied. “When I was in the moment, it was so good. I mean he’s definitely got a work ethic.”
“I think you might be a demon,” Dawn responded dryly.
“Right - sorry.” Buffy blushed. “I guess you don’t really need details.” There was an awkward pause in the conversation. “And of course, the better it was in the moment, the worse I felt afterwards. Which was the other half of what I was looking for,” Buffy mused sardonically. “I hated myself for so many different reasons, but I was so desperate for that feeling. The happiness couldn’t touch me so I turned to the pain. Those raw emotions that ripped me open and left me bleeding.”
“I don’t really need the morbid imagery either,” Dawn pointed out.
“Sorry,” said Buffy again. “Carried away. I don’t really talk about it much. It’s actually kind of nice to let it out.”
“Glad I could be of service,” Dawn muttered.
“Dawn,” Buffy said slowly, “there’s something else I need to apologize for. Last year - I really ignored you - o-on the personal level. I want you to know I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to shut you out like that. I did a lot of wrong things last year.”
“You know this means I’m more mature than you,” said Dawn.
“How do you figure that?”
“I only cut myself once,” the teen replied smugly. “You did your mistakes like fifty times before you got over it.”
“You’re still young,” Buffy assured her sister. “You’ve got a lot more mistakes to make. And I’ll be there with a great big banner that says ‘I told you so.’” Dawn grimaced. “But I’ll also have a hug…and possibly comfort food.”
“You just can’t admit that I’m more mature than you, can you?”
“As the older sister, I’m pretty sure I’m legally prohibited from admitting any such thing,” Buffy responded.
“And you are over it, right?” Dawn asked suddenly.
“Yeah,” the Slayer said reassuringly. “I mean, I’m not saying I’ll never make another mistake in my life, but I’m in a much - much - let me stress this, much healthier place than I was.”
“And the thing with Willow?” prompted Dawn.
“Is real,” said Buffy with deep sincerity. “We love each other very much. Willow makes me feel all those wonderful things that I lost touch with.”
“Then I’m glad,” said Dawn with a smile. “For both of you. You both need a little happiness.” She began standing up again.
“And you’re okay with the fact that we’re happy together?” Buffy questioned, standing too.
“Yes,” said Dawn plainly. “What, you thought I was gonna freak out about the lesbian thing? Please, Buffy, you’re so immature.”
“Teens just don’t understand.” Buffy rolled her eyes.
“I should’ve seen it coming, really,” Dawn commented. “I mean I’ve noticed you checking her out.”
“You have? Oh and I thought I was bein’ all discreet.”
“I thought you were just looking though,” Dawn continued. “I didn’t realize you were gonna make a move. I mean, you’ve checked out lots of girls over the years.”
“Not lots,” Buffy said defensively. “Just the hot ones.”
“Okay.” Dawn rolled her eyes. “I guess Sunnydale just has lots of hot girls then.”
“And Willow actually made the first move,” Buffy informed the teen.
“Oh,” Dawn frowned. “I owe Xander ten bucks.”
“Wait - what?” Buffy demanded. “You were betting on - on me and Willow?”
“Sort of,” Dawn admitted meekly. “We were talking about it. He thought he could see something between you two; I thought he was just doing the male fantasy thing. I told him you had checked her out, but that you never made the first move with boys or girls and it was probably just a noticing thing. Obviously I was wrong. And I totally didn’t even notice Willow noticing you too.”
“She plays it pretty close to the chest,” said Buffy.
There was a brief pause.
“Okay, I’m not even gonna touch that one,” Dawn decided after a moment.
“Yeah, sorry,” Buffy told her, fighting a giggle. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Maybe,” said Dawn cautiously.
“How would you feel about staying over at Janice’s tonight?” Buffy suggested.
“Oh God.” Dawn rolled her eyes dramatically. “Can’t you keep it in your pants ‘til I’m at school?”
“Well,” Buffy stammered awkwardly, “the things is - I - we haven’t actually - stuff keeps coming up…”
“Oh God,” said Dawn again. “You mean I - that was - okay, I’m like twice as sorry now.”
“We sort of lost track of time. I forgot how early school lets out.”
“Buffy, I stayed after with Janice and Kit for like an hour,” Dawn pointed out. “I would’ve said something when I got in, but I thought you might be taking a nap.”
“Yeah, well - wait a minute.” Buffy frowned. “You were gonna interrupt my nap with your milk question?”
“Yeah-huh,” Dawn answered with a nervous grin. “And while we’re on that, when are you gonna go shopping?”
“Tell you what,” said Buffy brightly, “if you go to Janice’s, I promise the fridge will be stocked when you get back.”
“And if I don’t,” Dawn asked in curiosity.
“You’re gonna start living on government cheese,” Buffy threatened.
“Okay, I got the message. I’ll go call Janice.” She turned and headed for the stairs.
“And Dawn?” Buffy called. The teen stopped on the top step. “I’m glad we talked.”
“Me too,” said Dawn, turning around only to be caught in a surprise hug.
“I love you, Dawn.”
“Ack. Mushy much?” Dawn wriggled out of the Slayer’s arms. “But I love you too, Buffy,” she replied before hurrying down the stairs.
Buffy sighed and walked back to her bedroom door.
Chapter 6
All chapters
Chapter 5: Out of the Darkness
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: Erm, dark-ish issues. I tried to stay on the lighter side of the darkness, but part of this chapter deals with Buffy’s emotional state in S6 and also references that time when Dawn cut herself in S5.
Summary: Buffy and Dawn talk it out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Willow scrambled to cover herself with a pillow.
“I’m just gonna…” Dawn gestured vaguely toward the door before turning and hurrying from the room.
“You should talk to her,” Willow pointed out unnecessarily.
“Yeah, I know,” said Buffy with a sigh. “Wait here for me?”
“Like I’m gonna bail now.” The witch rolled her eyes.
Buffy leaned in and gave Willow a brief kiss before turning to leave the room and shutting the bedroom door behind her.
“DAWN!” Buffy called out. Then, “Oh - you’re right here.”
The teen was leaning against the wall just outside of Buffy’s room, arms crossed over her chest and eyes locked on the floor.
“Hey,” Dawn said quietly.
“Hey,” Buffy echoed, unsure of how to get around the awkwardness. “Wanna talk?” she suggested, leaning against the opposite wall now.
“Not really,” Dawn answered moodily.
“But you stayed,” said Buffy warmly, hoping Dawn understood that this meant a lot to her.
“Yeah.”
“I think you’re actually maturing as a person,” Buffy told her. “Which might actually be one of the signs of an impending apocalypse,” she added as an afterthought.
“That’s me,” Dawn said with sarcastic cheer. “Dawn Summers, the fourth horseman.”
“For some reason that just made me picture you as a centaur,” said Buffy, shaking her head to clear it of the image.
“Weird much?” Dawn asked with raised eyebrows.
“Dawn, I’m the poster girl for weird,” Buffy stated bluntly.
The sisters shifted uncomfortably, staring anywhere but at each other.
“You gonna say it’s not what it looked like?” Dawn questioned.
“No, it’s pretty much exactly what it looked like,” Buffy answered plainly. “I mean, I guess it depends on what you thought.”
“I’m thinkin’ it was either sex or you’re too lazy to go shopping and so you were trying to milk Willow,” Dawn quipped.
Buffy burst out into laughter at this and sank into a sitting position against the wall. After a moment, Dawn began to chuckle too. It began as laughter at her own joke, but it turned into laughter at the fact that Buffy was still laughing, eyes watering slightly. Buffy caught site of the milk carton still in Dawn’s hand and her laughter redoubled.
“I’m sorry,” said Buffy, taking deep breaths to calm herself. Dawn copied her sister and had a seat there in the hall, setting the milk carton beside her. “And I’m sorry,” Buffy added seriously. “That’s not exactly the way I would’ve picked for you to find out.”
“How would you have done it?” Dawn inquired.
“Probably some kind of pow-wow in the living room.” Buffy shrugged. “Hopefully something that ended with a group hug.”
“D’you love her?” Dawn asked abruptly.
“Yeah, I do,” Buffy replied softly.
“D’you really though,” Dawn challenged. “You didn’t love the last person you slept with.”
“Dawn, it’s not like that,” said Buffy quietly, stung by her sister’s words. “It’s pretty much the exact opposite actually. With Spike it was - well, it was bad.”
“Then why did you do it?” Dawn demanded in frustration.
“I - it’s hard to explain,” said Buffy, fighting to keep her voice steady as she spoke. “I’m trying to think of the right words and it’s - it’s hard for me to talk about.” Buffy looked up at the ceiling and blinked several times in rapid succession. “Do you remember that time you cut up your arm?”
“Yes,” Dawn answered tersely.
“That’s what it was like with Spike,” said Buffy shortly. “Being with Spike was my version of cutting myself.”
“Why?” Dawn asked again.
“Why did you cut your arm?” Buffy countered calmly.
“I thought I wasn’t real,” Dawn screeched, immediately defensive.
“You wanted to feel something,” Buffy finished for her. “Something intense. Just to make sure you were actually alive.” There was a moment of tense silence as understanding passed between the two sisters.
“After Willow,” the Slayer began, but stopped herself and rethought her words. “After I came back - it was like I couldn’t feel anything. All the things that used to make me happy - make me sure of myself - they didn’t feel like they should. Everything was so meaningless compared to what I had lost. All the good things were just an echo of how they were supposed to feel.” Buffy closed her eyes, breathing slowly and willing herself to continue.
“And then there was Spike,” she said at last. “Spike said I opened up to him because it didn’t have to be real with him. In some ways that was true, but in others - he made it more real than anyone else could. The only things I could feel were the things that were so different from what I - the worst things. I could only feel my worst emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, self-loathing. And Spike could make me feel them all at once.”
“I didn’t know it was like that,” Dawn said quietly. “I thought he was just a distraction.”
“He was that too,” Buffy replied. “When I was in the moment, it was so good. I mean he’s definitely got a work ethic.”
“I think you might be a demon,” Dawn responded dryly.
“Right - sorry.” Buffy blushed. “I guess you don’t really need details.” There was an awkward pause in the conversation. “And of course, the better it was in the moment, the worse I felt afterwards. Which was the other half of what I was looking for,” Buffy mused sardonically. “I hated myself for so many different reasons, but I was so desperate for that feeling. The happiness couldn’t touch me so I turned to the pain. Those raw emotions that ripped me open and left me bleeding.”
“I don’t really need the morbid imagery either,” Dawn pointed out.
“Sorry,” said Buffy again. “Carried away. I don’t really talk about it much. It’s actually kind of nice to let it out.”
“Glad I could be of service,” Dawn muttered.
“Dawn,” Buffy said slowly, “there’s something else I need to apologize for. Last year - I really ignored you - o-on the personal level. I want you to know I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to shut you out like that. I did a lot of wrong things last year.”
“You know this means I’m more mature than you,” said Dawn.
“How do you figure that?”
“I only cut myself once,” the teen replied smugly. “You did your mistakes like fifty times before you got over it.”
“You’re still young,” Buffy assured her sister. “You’ve got a lot more mistakes to make. And I’ll be there with a great big banner that says ‘I told you so.’” Dawn grimaced. “But I’ll also have a hug…and possibly comfort food.”
“You just can’t admit that I’m more mature than you, can you?”
“As the older sister, I’m pretty sure I’m legally prohibited from admitting any such thing,” Buffy responded.
“And you are over it, right?” Dawn asked suddenly.
“Yeah,” the Slayer said reassuringly. “I mean, I’m not saying I’ll never make another mistake in my life, but I’m in a much - much - let me stress this, much healthier place than I was.”
“And the thing with Willow?” prompted Dawn.
“Is real,” said Buffy with deep sincerity. “We love each other very much. Willow makes me feel all those wonderful things that I lost touch with.”
“Then I’m glad,” said Dawn with a smile. “For both of you. You both need a little happiness.” She began standing up again.
“And you’re okay with the fact that we’re happy together?” Buffy questioned, standing too.
“Yes,” said Dawn plainly. “What, you thought I was gonna freak out about the lesbian thing? Please, Buffy, you’re so immature.”
“Teens just don’t understand.” Buffy rolled her eyes.
“I should’ve seen it coming, really,” Dawn commented. “I mean I’ve noticed you checking her out.”
“You have? Oh and I thought I was bein’ all discreet.”
“I thought you were just looking though,” Dawn continued. “I didn’t realize you were gonna make a move. I mean, you’ve checked out lots of girls over the years.”
“Not lots,” Buffy said defensively. “Just the hot ones.”
“Okay.” Dawn rolled her eyes. “I guess Sunnydale just has lots of hot girls then.”
“And Willow actually made the first move,” Buffy informed the teen.
“Oh,” Dawn frowned. “I owe Xander ten bucks.”
“Wait - what?” Buffy demanded. “You were betting on - on me and Willow?”
“Sort of,” Dawn admitted meekly. “We were talking about it. He thought he could see something between you two; I thought he was just doing the male fantasy thing. I told him you had checked her out, but that you never made the first move with boys or girls and it was probably just a noticing thing. Obviously I was wrong. And I totally didn’t even notice Willow noticing you too.”
“She plays it pretty close to the chest,” said Buffy.
There was a brief pause.
“Okay, I’m not even gonna touch that one,” Dawn decided after a moment.
“Yeah, sorry,” Buffy told her, fighting a giggle. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Maybe,” said Dawn cautiously.
“How would you feel about staying over at Janice’s tonight?” Buffy suggested.
“Oh God.” Dawn rolled her eyes dramatically. “Can’t you keep it in your pants ‘til I’m at school?”
“Well,” Buffy stammered awkwardly, “the things is - I - we haven’t actually - stuff keeps coming up…”
“Oh God,” said Dawn again. “You mean I - that was - okay, I’m like twice as sorry now.”
“We sort of lost track of time. I forgot how early school lets out.”
“Buffy, I stayed after with Janice and Kit for like an hour,” Dawn pointed out. “I would’ve said something when I got in, but I thought you might be taking a nap.”
“Yeah, well - wait a minute.” Buffy frowned. “You were gonna interrupt my nap with your milk question?”
“Yeah-huh,” Dawn answered with a nervous grin. “And while we’re on that, when are you gonna go shopping?”
“Tell you what,” said Buffy brightly, “if you go to Janice’s, I promise the fridge will be stocked when you get back.”
“And if I don’t,” Dawn asked in curiosity.
“You’re gonna start living on government cheese,” Buffy threatened.
“Okay, I got the message. I’ll go call Janice.” She turned and headed for the stairs.
“And Dawn?” Buffy called. The teen stopped on the top step. “I’m glad we talked.”
“Me too,” said Dawn, turning around only to be caught in a surprise hug.
“I love you, Dawn.”
“Ack. Mushy much?” Dawn wriggled out of the Slayer’s arms. “But I love you too, Buffy,” she replied before hurrying down the stairs.
Buffy sighed and walked back to her bedroom door.
Chapter 6
All chapters