The Ways of Earthlings, by lamardeuse
Rating: PG
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Length: 1230 words
Summary: Pure crack.
Warning: This is all Crys' fault.
The Ways of Earthlings
by lamardeuse
Rodney's friendship with John Sheppard had to be the oddest relationship he'd ever had, with the possible exception of the one he'd had with his mother. But then considering that John hailed from a small planet somewhere near Betelgeuse and was actually a man-eating lizard underneath his ridiculously attractive (fake) exterior, the oddness was kind of inevitable.
- “M'not man-eating,” John sniffed.
“Excuse me, live rat-eating,” Rodney corrected, rolling his eyes.
John wrinkled his (ridiculously attractive, fake) nose. “I'm trying to quit.” -
The progress of their relationship, summarized, had gone something like this: Rodney had been captured by the Visitors for his towering genius and threatened with execution if he didn't help them take over the planet. Rodney had told them to fuck off. John, who apparently had never been terribly enthusiastic about the invasion of Earth, but came along for the ride because he liked spaceships that went more than two million miles a second, had rescued Rodney and risked his life to bring him safely home, and the two of them now worked at a top secret think tank where some of the brightest minds on the planet searched for a way to tell the Visitors to fuck off for good.
And John - well, after Rodney had stopped the idiots in the CIA from trying to dissect him - had turned out to be a surprisingly good companion. He helped Rodney in the lab, straightened up their living quarters (Rodney had insisted they share an apartment, since he still didn't trust the spooks not to spirit John away in the middle of the night) and kept Rodney supplied with coffee throughout the day. He didn't talk too much, he liked all the same movies Rodney did, and he even gave foot massages when Rodney asked nicely. Really, if he wasn't a man-eating lizard, he'd be the perfect boyfriend.
And Rodney did not just think that, because no.
All right, so maybe it hadn't been the first time he'd thought it. John had a stupidly handsome human wrapper, true, but Rodney wasn't fooled by that. He'd seen John's face half peeled away once, and it hadn't bothered him nearly as much as he thought it would; John was just, well, John. He was, underneath it all, a complete dork, and inexplicably dedicated to Rodney, even though he pretended not to be, and it was hard for Rodney to remember why it was a bad idea to mate outside one's species when John fell asleep with his head resting on Rodney's shoulder while watching a Batman marathon.
Tonight, they weren't watching Batman, or any of Rodney's other favorites, because Rodney was still working the bugs out of the algorithm he hoped might be used to hack into the Visitor mainframe. John had managed to drag him out of the lab, but Rodney had refused to stop working on it. He was close, so damned close he could taste it. He just wasn't seeing it.
It was after midnight when John began absently flipping through channels. Rodney looked up, irritated. “Find something, will you?” he snapped. “That's very distracting.”
“Sorry,” John muttered, sounding anything but. He flipped for another minute or so, and then, just when Rodney was about to say something again, he stopped.
“Oh, thank God,” Rodney sighed. He tuned out the television and dove back into his work.
Not five minutes later, however, his concentration was broken again when John emitted a soft, “Whoa.”
Rodney flung up his hands. “What now? What could possibly be so important - oh,” Rodney said, because there were two men naked and kissing on the TV screen. And there was some rubbing going on too, and possibly some fondling. Definitely fondling.
“What, you haven't seen porn yet?” Rodney demanded, trying mightily to ignore the stirring sensation in his nether regions. He tore his gaze away from the screen with effort.
“What's porn?” John asked, still distracted by the show. Wonderful, Rodney thought. There were hungry moans coming from the TV set, and his pants were getting tighter. And since when had John been sitting so close to him?
Rodney waved at the screen. “Short for pornography. Films showing people having sex.”
“Wow,” John said, clearly awed. “People have sex in front of cameras so other people can watch?”
“Um, yes? Case in point?” Rodney waved at the screen; one of the men was now on his knees. Hastily, Rodney snatched the remote from John and thumbed the power switch. “Okay, that's enough of the Weird World of Earthlings for today.”
“Hey! I was watching that!” John turned to him then, and God, he was actually pouting slightly, and that was not cute.
“Why the hell would you want to watch - that?” Rodney demanded.
“I haven't seen any other examples of males mating with other males. I didn't even know humans - did that.” John's gaze met Rodney's, then darted away.
“Well, now you know they do. Curiosity satisfied.” Rodney glanced at his laptop, then sighed and powered it down. There was no way he was getting any more work done tonight.
“Do you?”
John's question was so soft Rodney barely heard it, and when he realized what John had said, he nearly dropped his computer. “Um,” Rodney said.
John frowned. “Oh. Are you uptight about your sexuality?”
“No, I'm not!” Rodney exclaimed. “And where did you learn an idiotic word like 'uptight', anyway?”
“From Cadman,” John said, beaming proudly.
“Figures,” Rodney muttered.
“You're avoiding the question,” John said slowly, and dammit, the man - lizard, lizard - was really too intelligent by half.
“Yes, all right, yes,” Rodney heard himself say, and John's eyes lit up with something Rodney didn't want to acknowledge, and shit, okay, this was a bad idea. “Occasionally. Not for a long time, and I-”
Then John's thumb brushed across Rodney's lips, and Rodney fell silent.
“I've never kissed anyone before,” John murmured, “so I don't even know if I'd like it. But I can't seem to stop thinking about kissing you. Crazy, huh?”
“John,” Rodney whispered, heart hammering in his chest.
John's hand slid to cup Rodney's jaw. “Do you think - do you think I could kiss you, Rodney?”
“John,” Rodney said again, as John leaned closer. “Look, you're just - you're only feeling this way because - you gave up everything you knew.”
John's expression turned impossibly affectionate. Shaking his head, he chuckled and said, “I may not be a genius, but I think you've got it backwards,” and then he touched his mouth to Rodney's with such gentleness that Rodney actually shivered like a teenager.
John drew back abruptly, his face stricken, and Rodney realized he must have misread Rodney's reaction. “I'm sorry,” John said, “I shouldn't have -”
This time it was Rodney's turn to place a finger to John's lips, and John's turn to shiver. He looked into John's eyes, and all he saw - everything he saw - was John.
“That wasn't bad,” Rodney murmured. “for a first try. But I think you could do with more practice, hm?”
John shut his eyes and nodded, and when Rodney closed the distance between them, it didn't seem nearly so far as he'd thought.
End
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Length: 1230 words
Summary: Pure crack.
Warning: This is all Crys' fault.
The Ways of Earthlings
by lamardeuse
Rodney's friendship with John Sheppard had to be the oddest relationship he'd ever had, with the possible exception of the one he'd had with his mother. But then considering that John hailed from a small planet somewhere near Betelgeuse and was actually a man-eating lizard underneath his ridiculously attractive (fake) exterior, the oddness was kind of inevitable.
- “M'not man-eating,” John sniffed.
“Excuse me, live rat-eating,” Rodney corrected, rolling his eyes.
John wrinkled his (ridiculously attractive, fake) nose. “I'm trying to quit.” -
The progress of their relationship, summarized, had gone something like this: Rodney had been captured by the Visitors for his towering genius and threatened with execution if he didn't help them take over the planet. Rodney had told them to fuck off. John, who apparently had never been terribly enthusiastic about the invasion of Earth, but came along for the ride because he liked spaceships that went more than two million miles a second, had rescued Rodney and risked his life to bring him safely home, and the two of them now worked at a top secret think tank where some of the brightest minds on the planet searched for a way to tell the Visitors to fuck off for good.
And John - well, after Rodney had stopped the idiots in the CIA from trying to dissect him - had turned out to be a surprisingly good companion. He helped Rodney in the lab, straightened up their living quarters (Rodney had insisted they share an apartment, since he still didn't trust the spooks not to spirit John away in the middle of the night) and kept Rodney supplied with coffee throughout the day. He didn't talk too much, he liked all the same movies Rodney did, and he even gave foot massages when Rodney asked nicely. Really, if he wasn't a man-eating lizard, he'd be the perfect boyfriend.
And Rodney did not just think that, because no.
All right, so maybe it hadn't been the first time he'd thought it. John had a stupidly handsome human wrapper, true, but Rodney wasn't fooled by that. He'd seen John's face half peeled away once, and it hadn't bothered him nearly as much as he thought it would; John was just, well, John. He was, underneath it all, a complete dork, and inexplicably dedicated to Rodney, even though he pretended not to be, and it was hard for Rodney to remember why it was a bad idea to mate outside one's species when John fell asleep with his head resting on Rodney's shoulder while watching a Batman marathon.
Tonight, they weren't watching Batman, or any of Rodney's other favorites, because Rodney was still working the bugs out of the algorithm he hoped might be used to hack into the Visitor mainframe. John had managed to drag him out of the lab, but Rodney had refused to stop working on it. He was close, so damned close he could taste it. He just wasn't seeing it.
It was after midnight when John began absently flipping through channels. Rodney looked up, irritated. “Find something, will you?” he snapped. “That's very distracting.”
“Sorry,” John muttered, sounding anything but. He flipped for another minute or so, and then, just when Rodney was about to say something again, he stopped.
“Oh, thank God,” Rodney sighed. He tuned out the television and dove back into his work.
Not five minutes later, however, his concentration was broken again when John emitted a soft, “Whoa.”
Rodney flung up his hands. “What now? What could possibly be so important - oh,” Rodney said, because there were two men naked and kissing on the TV screen. And there was some rubbing going on too, and possibly some fondling. Definitely fondling.
“What, you haven't seen porn yet?” Rodney demanded, trying mightily to ignore the stirring sensation in his nether regions. He tore his gaze away from the screen with effort.
“What's porn?” John asked, still distracted by the show. Wonderful, Rodney thought. There were hungry moans coming from the TV set, and his pants were getting tighter. And since when had John been sitting so close to him?
Rodney waved at the screen. “Short for pornography. Films showing people having sex.”
“Wow,” John said, clearly awed. “People have sex in front of cameras so other people can watch?”
“Um, yes? Case in point?” Rodney waved at the screen; one of the men was now on his knees. Hastily, Rodney snatched the remote from John and thumbed the power switch. “Okay, that's enough of the Weird World of Earthlings for today.”
“Hey! I was watching that!” John turned to him then, and God, he was actually pouting slightly, and that was not cute.
“Why the hell would you want to watch - that?” Rodney demanded.
“I haven't seen any other examples of males mating with other males. I didn't even know humans - did that.” John's gaze met Rodney's, then darted away.
“Well, now you know they do. Curiosity satisfied.” Rodney glanced at his laptop, then sighed and powered it down. There was no way he was getting any more work done tonight.
“Do you?”
John's question was so soft Rodney barely heard it, and when he realized what John had said, he nearly dropped his computer. “Um,” Rodney said.
John frowned. “Oh. Are you uptight about your sexuality?”
“No, I'm not!” Rodney exclaimed. “And where did you learn an idiotic word like 'uptight', anyway?”
“From Cadman,” John said, beaming proudly.
“Figures,” Rodney muttered.
“You're avoiding the question,” John said slowly, and dammit, the man - lizard, lizard - was really too intelligent by half.
“Yes, all right, yes,” Rodney heard himself say, and John's eyes lit up with something Rodney didn't want to acknowledge, and shit, okay, this was a bad idea. “Occasionally. Not for a long time, and I-”
Then John's thumb brushed across Rodney's lips, and Rodney fell silent.
“I've never kissed anyone before,” John murmured, “so I don't even know if I'd like it. But I can't seem to stop thinking about kissing you. Crazy, huh?”
“John,” Rodney whispered, heart hammering in his chest.
John's hand slid to cup Rodney's jaw. “Do you think - do you think I could kiss you, Rodney?”
“John,” Rodney said again, as John leaned closer. “Look, you're just - you're only feeling this way because - you gave up everything you knew.”
John's expression turned impossibly affectionate. Shaking his head, he chuckled and said, “I may not be a genius, but I think you've got it backwards,” and then he touched his mouth to Rodney's with such gentleness that Rodney actually shivered like a teenager.
John drew back abruptly, his face stricken, and Rodney realized he must have misread Rodney's reaction. “I'm sorry,” John said, “I shouldn't have -”
This time it was Rodney's turn to place a finger to John's lips, and John's turn to shiver. He looked into John's eyes, and all he saw - everything he saw - was John.
“That wasn't bad,” Rodney murmured. “for a first try. But I think you could do with more practice, hm?”
John shut his eyes and nodded, and when Rodney closed the distance between them, it didn't seem nearly so far as he'd thought.
End