Courage, PG.
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON FOUR, EPISODE FOUR!
Courage
John doesn’t leave the mess hall until the sky is just starting to lighten, and the smallest moon has sunk beneath the dark stretch of the horizon. Keller and Ronon walk the halls with him, and he gives them each a tired wave before entering his room.
He sits on the bed and tugs off his boots, feels himself start to tilt forward and flings his body sideways so that he face-plants on the bed instead of the floor. He rolls his face away from the pillow, and falls asleep fully clothed.
He dreams.
He’s back in the boat, rain coming down in sheets, only this time John is alone at the oars. Rodney is slumped on the bench in front of him, and he is very, very still. Rivulets of rainwater trickle over his closed eyes and onto the wires that are attached to his temples, and John doesn’t have to look closely to know, know that Rodney is not breathing.
John rows. He rows until his muscles are burning and he’s panting for breath, but every time he looks over his shoulder, Atlantis remains far in the distance, unreachable. And Rodney’s face is so goddamn white, and there’s a pressure on John’s chest like someone is pressing a hand there, and he can’t - he can’t look behind him. Because he can feel someone’s breath on his neck now, and it could be that fucking clown, sitting back there, waiting for him to -
Or it could be the other, his own twisted reflection grinning back at him, and John can’t look.
He bows his head, sobs for air and there’s salt in his mouth, on his face.
Someone grabs his hands on the oar-handles, jerking him to a halt mid-stroke, and the rowboat spins. John lifts his head up, and it’s Rodney, leaning forward on the seat in front of him. His eyes are open, and the wires on his head are gone.
“John,” he says.
“Rodney, what, what are you doing?” John says, and tries to pull his hands free. “I need to - I have to help you, I have to - ”
“John,” Rodney says again, his face creased with exasperation and concern. “Don’t be afraid.”
And Rodney leans forward, holding John’s hands tightly, and his mouth is warm and soft and John gasps his relief into it.
He opens his eyes, and he’s in his quarters. He checks his clock; only twenty minutes have gone by.
John stares at the ceiling for a long time. Then he gets up, puts on his boots, and walks the halls of Atlantis until he comes to Rodney’s door.
He knocks, and Rodney lets him in.
Sequel: Dreamcatcher