Challenge #5 Fic: Speak now. PG.
Title: Speak now
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: Rodney/Katie. John/Rodney (unrequited).
Rating: PG
Word count: 3191
Spoilers: Sunday (nothing in particular, just Rodney/Katie in general)
Summary: "Don't marry her." Part of John hated himself for saying it. But the other part felt relieved to finally let it out.
Warning: This is pretty depressing. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Note: Well, this started as an answer to the wedding challenge, but I didn't manage to rewrite it in time and it needed to be rewritten. Thankfully it also fits the competition challenge. And since I need to get to 30 I'll say this also fits the prompt ritual for my November prompt table. Many thanks to lavvyan and neevebrody for their very helpful notes and corrections.
Speak now
"Speak now or forever hold your peace."
John didn't know why they even left that in the ceremony. It wasn't done anymore, except for some reason Rodney and Katie did do it and it was like a sign to John.
For two months, he'd ignored every single opportunity to speak up. Rodney had invited, asked for, and been annoyed at John's continued lack of comments on his engagement to Katie. He had managed a "Congratulations" that sounded incredibly fake to his own ears and had prompted Rodney to ask what was bugging him.
John hadn't said anything.
What exactly was he going to say? "Don't marry her. I love you." There wasn't one scenario of this that didn't end in awkwardness at the very best.
So, he'd remained silent up to this beautiful day on the East Pier where most of Atlantis had gathered to celebrate Rodney and Katie's wedding. He hadn't known how to say no when Rodney asked him to be his best man. He'd been prepared to see this through, to support Rodney in his own way, the only way he knew: by not saying that every fiber of his being thought that it was wrong of Rodney to marry Katie.
He had been sure that he could get through this day, sure that Rodney's ongoing relationship with Katie in the past year had prepared him for this. He had been sure that he could witness silently how Rodney promised to forever love and cherish someone else. He had been sure.
But he had been wrong, because suddenly John heard himself say, "I-"
It wasn't all that loud, but still everyone at the ceremony turned towards him. Rodney spun around, his eyes huge, and John got the distinct impression that a sudden outburst of "Now you want to talk about it?!" wasn't far off.
But Rodney kept quiet, and John knew that he could not actually say what he felt, so he awkwardly motioned for them to go on. "Forget it. Go ahead."
Apparently, that was what Rodney needed for his outburst.
"'Forget it'?!"
"Just-" John motioned towards Katie, who was becoming quite distressed. John felt horrible, because no bride deserved to have her wedding ruined by the jealous friend of the groom.
"No, no, no. What did you want to say?" Rodney insisted. People were beginning to whisper and John cursed himself and his stupid mouth for not being able to hold out just a few minutes longer.
"It's not important," John said, trying to whisper and still be convincing.
"Let me be the judge of that," Rodney said.
John couldn't believe that Rodney wouldn't let it go.
"Rodney," Katie said quietly.
The moment Rodney turned back to her John lost what little nerve he had. "I'm sorry," he said and fled before Rodney could look at him again.
~~
John stumbled through the door and faltered in the hall, unsure whether to run as long and as far as he could or hide in his room for the rest of his life.
There were no words for how terribly he'd screwed up. Rodney had to be pissed off at him and Katie- Katie had always been nice to him, even though he'd never been able to be anything more than polite. She had always respected his friendship with Rodney and he had thanked her by turning her wedding day into a spectacle.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his temple, vaguely hoping that all of this would turn out to be a nightmare.
"Sheppard!"
John looked up to see an angry Rodney fast approaching. It couldn't have been more than a minute since John had left, not nearly enough to finish the ceremony.
"What are you doing here?" John asked, almost panicked, because if Rodney was in here alone, it meant that outside his bride and dozens of guests from two galaxies were waiting to see a wedding.
"I told them to wait for a second."
"You-" John could only stare at him. It wasn't enough that John had screwed up. Now Rodney had to have one of those moments where he lost all perspective and went on and on about an insignificant detail while lives were at stake.
"So, speak." Rodney didn't sound angry anymore.
"I told you, it's not important," John quickly said. It really wasn't. John's love for Rodney wouldn't suddenly make Rodney gay and return John's feelings. "You need to go back," he said softly, trying to keep the emotion from his voice.
"I need to hear what you have to say. For months you've been sulking ab-"
"I haven't been sulking!" John said automatically at Rodney's jibe, although there might have been a hint of desperation in his voice.
"I want to hear what you have to say, now," Rodney demanded, crossing his arms in front of him.
"Believe me, you don't."
Rodney uncrossed his arms and visibly deflated. "What? Do you know something about Katie that I don't?"
"No, no, no, it has nothing to do with her," John immediately clarified. "She's... great," John managed, but Rodney glared at him.
"John, I swear, if you don't open your mouth in the next ten seconds, I'll never speak to you again."
John looked at him, seconds ticking by. He knew Rodney was serious. Well, maybe he'd speak to him again, eventually, but... John had to say something.
"Don't marry her." Part of John hated himself for saying it. But the other part felt relieved to finally let it out.
"What?" Rodney said, his brow furrowed in confusion.
"Katie is great." This time John could say it and mean it because of what followed. "But she's not the right woman for you. I've never seen you fight with her. When you're around her you're... nice or at least trying to be and it's just... I'm sure she loves you, but the man she loves... that's not really you. You're... loud. And obnoxious." Rodney's chin lifted defiantly, and his mouth curved downward. But John couldn't stop. "And incredibly arrogant and needy and I don't think she even really knows you, and she certainly doesn't love you the way-" Rodney stared at him, eyes growing wide, and John managed to stop himself in time and finished, "you are and deserve to be loved."
John watched Rodney's lower lip tremble. And, dear God, he wanted to run away, kiss him, turn back time and take back his words all at once.
"Sometimes you have to take the love that you get," Rodney eventually said, straightening. "Not all of us can pick and choose, Colonel."
What was Rodney saying here? That he was only marrying Katie because he didn't think he'd find anyone better?
"Rodney, I'm sure there'll be others."
Rodney snorted. "Oh yes, I'm sure any day now I'll be besieged by hordes of women just dying for the chance to love an arrogant, obnoxious, what have I forgotten?"
"The right woman will," John said, because he knew how easy it was to love Rodney - maddeningly difficult in some ways, yes, but still so very easy.
"Right," Rodney said, apparently not convinced. He nodded and turned to go back in, back to Katie.
"I do," John said helplessly.
Rodney stopped in mid-stride and slowly turned around.
John wished he could read his face now, but for once Rodney didn't project his emotions in 10-feet high, blinking letters. There was astonishment, but other than that John could have read anything from his greatest fears to his fondest wishes into Rodney's look. It was as if Rodney's face was waiting for confirmation that he'd heard right to finally express disgust or elation or something in between.
John didn't know if he could say it again, not with Rodney actually looking at him, but he knew Rodney wouldn't let it go and he couldn't lie to him. It was too late for that.
"I love you." His voice was barely a whisper.
Rodney didn't say a word. He looked at John for what felt like an eternity, just as blankly as before, and then simply turned around and went back to his wedding.
~~
When his door chimed for the third time, John got up from his bed. He still didn't immediately open the door. He had a vague notion of someone dragging him to the wedding party to do that much at least and honor the happy couple, even though - or maybe because - he'd clearly not honored them before when he'd interrupted their ceremony.
The door chimed a fourth time and John had to concede that whoever it was wasn't going to give up. He tried to brace himself for the worst, not entirely sure what or who that would be.
It was Teyla.
She looked at him with so much disapproval that he had to turn away. He walked back to the bed and sat down.
When the door closed, he looked up, but Teyla had followed him inside. It wasn't that she was never disappointed or unhappy with what he did, but usually there was a certain amount of fondness mixed in with exasperation.
Not today though. And the fact that he deserved it made him feel even worse.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking away from her scrutiny.
"I am not the injured party here."
No, she wasn't. He tried to picture it: Katie, standing helplessly in front of her friends and colleagues, in front of her parents, who'd come from another galaxy. It should have been the happiest day of her life. But now it would forever be tainted, because he knew the dynamics on Atlantis enough to be sure that all everyone would talk about was how Col. Sheppard had interrupted the ceremony and how the groom had had to consult with his best man before going through with it.
He didn't want to contemplate what they might be thinking. That John harbored some secret love for Katie would be the kindest of all possibilities. He thought back to Rodney's own conclusion. That John knew something about Katie, that he had tried to warn Rodney at the last minute.
"I know I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh no, you should have," Teyla disagreed and he looked up at her. "But you should have said it much, much sooner," she said decisively.
He wasn't so sure about that. Of course any moment would have been better than the one he had chosen.
"I have heard Rodney ask for your advice," she continued. "And I respected that you felt it was not your place to give it to him. But I would have expected you to abide by your decision. What you did today- I do not always agree with your actions, but I have never known you to be cruel."
He looked up at her at that and could see that she meant every word. He felt as if hit.
He had already apologized and he would apologize to Katie, even though he had no idea how, but a part of him felt that he didn't deserve this. He had tried to take it back and in the end Rodney had gone back to her.
It was petty, but there was a part of him that thought no matter how much he'd hurt Katie today, she should be able to live with it, because after all she still had Rodney.
Of course, if he told Teyla this, she would probably summon a stick out of thin air and he would deserve any punishment she dished out. He was ashamed of himself. Katie didn't know what her relationship with Rodney did to John. Whereas what he'd done to her today was at the very least caused by negligence, or even worse. He thought about the things he'd said to Rodney about her.
He shook his head trying to banish the memory.
He couldn't think about Rodney now. He didn't know how his actions today had changed their relationship. He wondered if this would always stand between them, making it impossible for them to work together or if maybe, hopefully, Rodney would forget about it in time and put it aside along with the other stupid things John had said and done in the past.
He tried to cling to that hope for a moment. He imagined Rodney, coming back from his honeymoon, so happy that he would forgive John.
"Have they left?" he asked.
"Who?"
"Rodney and Katie. Have they left for their trip t-" John stopped, when he saw the expression on Teyla's face.
"There was no wedding, John."
"What?" he said, unable to comprehend.
"Rodney told Katie that he could not marry her."
John's first thought was 'Thank God'. John's second thought was going over his previous thoughts about Katie. Facing her parents, her friends, the people that she saw every day, everywhere, some of which had told her that Rodney wasn't good enough for her. And Rodney telling her in front of everyone - or maybe not, but he didn't think it would make a difference if he'd taken her aside first - that he couldn't marry her. All because John had been too afraid to speak up before.
He felt sick.
Cruel wasn't enough to describe what he'd done today. No apology would be adequate for what he had inflicted on her today. He hadn't wanted this. Part of him was still glad that Rodney hadn't married her, but the price was so high. It shouldn't have happened like this.
He looked up at Teyla, unable to speak. So he tried to convey what went through his mind with just a look.
She watched him, concentrating, and he willed her to understand.
"You love him."
John's eyes widened. He looked away. He hadn't wanted to give that much away, but realized that his lack of protest was as good as a confirmation.
"And you told him? Today?" Teyla asked.
John couldn't blame her for her incredulous tone. He quickly looked up at her and away again, confirming her suspicion.
"Oh, John."
He carefully looked up again. He felt relief when he saw her expression. She looked as if she wanted to hug him now, while still contemplating a stick fighting lesson in which she wouldn't pull any punches for once. She hadn't forgiven him. He wasn't sure if she ever would and he probably didn't deserve it, but at least she understood him now and the fond exasperation was back.
They looked at each other for a while before Teyla dropped her gaze to the floor. She sighed heavily, and with one last look at him, she turned and left him alone.
~~
John found Rodney in a remote lab in the lower levels of Atlantis.
He watched him working for a moment, trying to think of an opening. He needed to talk to Rodney. He just didn't know what to say.
"I don't want to talk to you," Rodney said, without turning around.
Fair enough. Maybe it was better for them to give it more time, to give them more time to think things through. Still he couldn't move.
"Is there anything else you wanted?" Rodney didn't sound angry exactly. Frustrated maybe. Uncomfortable.
"Rodney, listen, I'm sorry." He had to say it. There was no point in further delay.
Rodney turned around to him and now he did look angry. "Oh, really, are you?"
John was taken aback by that. What did Rodney think? That he'd done this on purpose? That he'd wanted to put Katie and him through that?
"Of course, I am. I never wanted... anything of this to happen."
"Yes, I see that. Which makes it even worse because you had the power to stop it before it got to this point."
John didn't really know what to say to that. He'd been hopeless and helpless ever since Rodney started dating Katie.
"How?"
"By simply saying something." Rodney sounded desperate now.
"I didn't... I didn't think I should. You wanted to marry her. I didn-"
"No, I didn't," Rodney said quietly.
"You didn't want to marry her," John repeated, making sure he hadn't misunderstood.
"I didn't want to lose her."
"Then why didn't you marry her?" John didn't understand anything any longer.
"Because I don't love her!" He stared at John, looking angry and miserable, and then he looked away.
John watched him. He wanted to comfort him, but he didn't know how and he didn't know if Rodney even wanted his comfort.
"At least not enough to marry her," Rodney continued quietly, still not looking at John.
"Then you shouldn't have said yes." It seemed simple enough.
Rodney looked up at him, his eyes blazing. "You do not get to judge me. I've asked for your opinion for weeks and you didn't say a word. You do not get to stand here and tell me 'I told you so', because you didn't say a fucking word!"
"I'm not saying 'I told you so'. I just don't get why you agreed to marry her, when you never wanted to."
"I thought I wanted it. I wanted to want it." Rodney's gaze turned to the floor. "I didn't want to be alone," he finished quietly.
"You're not alone," John said. He took a step towards Rodney but froze when Rodney held up a hand to stop him.
"Don't. I can't be near you right now."
"I'm sorry," John said again. He was sorry, about what he'd done, about the whole situation.
"I would have needed a friend," Rodney said, and the disappointment in his eyes hurt John as much as his words.
Everything John had done, he'd done because he didn't want to lose Rodney's friendship. The irony of it was sickening. There didn't seem to be any kind of relationship that John Sheppard couldn't fuck up spectacularly.
"I'm sorry I failed you," John said and turned around to leave, because really, there was nothing left to say.
"John."
John turned back to Rodney.
Rodney didn't look at him. "About your... feelings for me," Rodney began, gesturing with his hands. "It cannot have been easy in this situation and I'm sorry for that."
John gave a curt nod. He didn't deserve even this much of Rodney's consideration and he was grateful that Rodney still cared enough to say it.
"But I simply can't think about that right now," Rodney continued, finally looking up at John.
John nodded again. "I don't expect you to. I don't expect you to think about it at all. I never wanted to tell you."
"I get that. And maybe you shouldn't have. As I said, not thinking about it right now." Rodney gave him a quick awkward smile.
John smiled back briefly. "Yes. I'll let you continue." He waved at the computer behind Rodney.
"Whatever happens," Rodney said, stopping John before he left. He looked straight at John now. "Whatever happens, I hope that we will remain friends."
"I hope so, too, Rodney," John said. He wanted that more than anything.
Rodney nodded. Apparently satisfied, he turned back to his work.
John watched him for a moment longer. Then he turned and left.
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: Rodney/Katie. John/Rodney (unrequited).
Rating: PG
Word count: 3191
Spoilers: Sunday (nothing in particular, just Rodney/Katie in general)
Summary: "Don't marry her." Part of John hated himself for saying it. But the other part felt relieved to finally let it out.
Warning: This is pretty depressing. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Note: Well, this started as an answer to the wedding challenge, but I didn't manage to rewrite it in time and it needed to be rewritten. Thankfully it also fits the competition challenge. And since I need to get to 30 I'll say this also fits the prompt ritual for my November prompt table. Many thanks to lavvyan and neevebrody for their very helpful notes and corrections.
Speak now
"Speak now or forever hold your peace."
John didn't know why they even left that in the ceremony. It wasn't done anymore, except for some reason Rodney and Katie did do it and it was like a sign to John.
For two months, he'd ignored every single opportunity to speak up. Rodney had invited, asked for, and been annoyed at John's continued lack of comments on his engagement to Katie. He had managed a "Congratulations" that sounded incredibly fake to his own ears and had prompted Rodney to ask what was bugging him.
John hadn't said anything.
What exactly was he going to say? "Don't marry her. I love you." There wasn't one scenario of this that didn't end in awkwardness at the very best.
So, he'd remained silent up to this beautiful day on the East Pier where most of Atlantis had gathered to celebrate Rodney and Katie's wedding. He hadn't known how to say no when Rodney asked him to be his best man. He'd been prepared to see this through, to support Rodney in his own way, the only way he knew: by not saying that every fiber of his being thought that it was wrong of Rodney to marry Katie.
He had been sure that he could get through this day, sure that Rodney's ongoing relationship with Katie in the past year had prepared him for this. He had been sure that he could witness silently how Rodney promised to forever love and cherish someone else. He had been sure.
But he had been wrong, because suddenly John heard himself say, "I-"
It wasn't all that loud, but still everyone at the ceremony turned towards him. Rodney spun around, his eyes huge, and John got the distinct impression that a sudden outburst of "Now you want to talk about it?!" wasn't far off.
But Rodney kept quiet, and John knew that he could not actually say what he felt, so he awkwardly motioned for them to go on. "Forget it. Go ahead."
Apparently, that was what Rodney needed for his outburst.
"'Forget it'?!"
"Just-" John motioned towards Katie, who was becoming quite distressed. John felt horrible, because no bride deserved to have her wedding ruined by the jealous friend of the groom.
"No, no, no. What did you want to say?" Rodney insisted. People were beginning to whisper and John cursed himself and his stupid mouth for not being able to hold out just a few minutes longer.
"It's not important," John said, trying to whisper and still be convincing.
"Let me be the judge of that," Rodney said.
John couldn't believe that Rodney wouldn't let it go.
"Rodney," Katie said quietly.
The moment Rodney turned back to her John lost what little nerve he had. "I'm sorry," he said and fled before Rodney could look at him again.
~~
John stumbled through the door and faltered in the hall, unsure whether to run as long and as far as he could or hide in his room for the rest of his life.
There were no words for how terribly he'd screwed up. Rodney had to be pissed off at him and Katie- Katie had always been nice to him, even though he'd never been able to be anything more than polite. She had always respected his friendship with Rodney and he had thanked her by turning her wedding day into a spectacle.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his temple, vaguely hoping that all of this would turn out to be a nightmare.
"Sheppard!"
John looked up to see an angry Rodney fast approaching. It couldn't have been more than a minute since John had left, not nearly enough to finish the ceremony.
"What are you doing here?" John asked, almost panicked, because if Rodney was in here alone, it meant that outside his bride and dozens of guests from two galaxies were waiting to see a wedding.
"I told them to wait for a second."
"You-" John could only stare at him. It wasn't enough that John had screwed up. Now Rodney had to have one of those moments where he lost all perspective and went on and on about an insignificant detail while lives were at stake.
"So, speak." Rodney didn't sound angry anymore.
"I told you, it's not important," John quickly said. It really wasn't. John's love for Rodney wouldn't suddenly make Rodney gay and return John's feelings. "You need to go back," he said softly, trying to keep the emotion from his voice.
"I need to hear what you have to say. For months you've been sulking ab-"
"I haven't been sulking!" John said automatically at Rodney's jibe, although there might have been a hint of desperation in his voice.
"I want to hear what you have to say, now," Rodney demanded, crossing his arms in front of him.
"Believe me, you don't."
Rodney uncrossed his arms and visibly deflated. "What? Do you know something about Katie that I don't?"
"No, no, no, it has nothing to do with her," John immediately clarified. "She's... great," John managed, but Rodney glared at him.
"John, I swear, if you don't open your mouth in the next ten seconds, I'll never speak to you again."
John looked at him, seconds ticking by. He knew Rodney was serious. Well, maybe he'd speak to him again, eventually, but... John had to say something.
"Don't marry her." Part of John hated himself for saying it. But the other part felt relieved to finally let it out.
"What?" Rodney said, his brow furrowed in confusion.
"Katie is great." This time John could say it and mean it because of what followed. "But she's not the right woman for you. I've never seen you fight with her. When you're around her you're... nice or at least trying to be and it's just... I'm sure she loves you, but the man she loves... that's not really you. You're... loud. And obnoxious." Rodney's chin lifted defiantly, and his mouth curved downward. But John couldn't stop. "And incredibly arrogant and needy and I don't think she even really knows you, and she certainly doesn't love you the way-" Rodney stared at him, eyes growing wide, and John managed to stop himself in time and finished, "you are and deserve to be loved."
John watched Rodney's lower lip tremble. And, dear God, he wanted to run away, kiss him, turn back time and take back his words all at once.
"Sometimes you have to take the love that you get," Rodney eventually said, straightening. "Not all of us can pick and choose, Colonel."
What was Rodney saying here? That he was only marrying Katie because he didn't think he'd find anyone better?
"Rodney, I'm sure there'll be others."
Rodney snorted. "Oh yes, I'm sure any day now I'll be besieged by hordes of women just dying for the chance to love an arrogant, obnoxious, what have I forgotten?"
"The right woman will," John said, because he knew how easy it was to love Rodney - maddeningly difficult in some ways, yes, but still so very easy.
"Right," Rodney said, apparently not convinced. He nodded and turned to go back in, back to Katie.
"I do," John said helplessly.
Rodney stopped in mid-stride and slowly turned around.
John wished he could read his face now, but for once Rodney didn't project his emotions in 10-feet high, blinking letters. There was astonishment, but other than that John could have read anything from his greatest fears to his fondest wishes into Rodney's look. It was as if Rodney's face was waiting for confirmation that he'd heard right to finally express disgust or elation or something in between.
John didn't know if he could say it again, not with Rodney actually looking at him, but he knew Rodney wouldn't let it go and he couldn't lie to him. It was too late for that.
"I love you." His voice was barely a whisper.
Rodney didn't say a word. He looked at John for what felt like an eternity, just as blankly as before, and then simply turned around and went back to his wedding.
~~
When his door chimed for the third time, John got up from his bed. He still didn't immediately open the door. He had a vague notion of someone dragging him to the wedding party to do that much at least and honor the happy couple, even though - or maybe because - he'd clearly not honored them before when he'd interrupted their ceremony.
The door chimed a fourth time and John had to concede that whoever it was wasn't going to give up. He tried to brace himself for the worst, not entirely sure what or who that would be.
It was Teyla.
She looked at him with so much disapproval that he had to turn away. He walked back to the bed and sat down.
When the door closed, he looked up, but Teyla had followed him inside. It wasn't that she was never disappointed or unhappy with what he did, but usually there was a certain amount of fondness mixed in with exasperation.
Not today though. And the fact that he deserved it made him feel even worse.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking away from her scrutiny.
"I am not the injured party here."
No, she wasn't. He tried to picture it: Katie, standing helplessly in front of her friends and colleagues, in front of her parents, who'd come from another galaxy. It should have been the happiest day of her life. But now it would forever be tainted, because he knew the dynamics on Atlantis enough to be sure that all everyone would talk about was how Col. Sheppard had interrupted the ceremony and how the groom had had to consult with his best man before going through with it.
He didn't want to contemplate what they might be thinking. That John harbored some secret love for Katie would be the kindest of all possibilities. He thought back to Rodney's own conclusion. That John knew something about Katie, that he had tried to warn Rodney at the last minute.
"I know I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh no, you should have," Teyla disagreed and he looked up at her. "But you should have said it much, much sooner," she said decisively.
He wasn't so sure about that. Of course any moment would have been better than the one he had chosen.
"I have heard Rodney ask for your advice," she continued. "And I respected that you felt it was not your place to give it to him. But I would have expected you to abide by your decision. What you did today- I do not always agree with your actions, but I have never known you to be cruel."
He looked up at her at that and could see that she meant every word. He felt as if hit.
He had already apologized and he would apologize to Katie, even though he had no idea how, but a part of him felt that he didn't deserve this. He had tried to take it back and in the end Rodney had gone back to her.
It was petty, but there was a part of him that thought no matter how much he'd hurt Katie today, she should be able to live with it, because after all she still had Rodney.
Of course, if he told Teyla this, she would probably summon a stick out of thin air and he would deserve any punishment she dished out. He was ashamed of himself. Katie didn't know what her relationship with Rodney did to John. Whereas what he'd done to her today was at the very least caused by negligence, or even worse. He thought about the things he'd said to Rodney about her.
He shook his head trying to banish the memory.
He couldn't think about Rodney now. He didn't know how his actions today had changed their relationship. He wondered if this would always stand between them, making it impossible for them to work together or if maybe, hopefully, Rodney would forget about it in time and put it aside along with the other stupid things John had said and done in the past.
He tried to cling to that hope for a moment. He imagined Rodney, coming back from his honeymoon, so happy that he would forgive John.
"Have they left?" he asked.
"Who?"
"Rodney and Katie. Have they left for their trip t-" John stopped, when he saw the expression on Teyla's face.
"There was no wedding, John."
"What?" he said, unable to comprehend.
"Rodney told Katie that he could not marry her."
John's first thought was 'Thank God'. John's second thought was going over his previous thoughts about Katie. Facing her parents, her friends, the people that she saw every day, everywhere, some of which had told her that Rodney wasn't good enough for her. And Rodney telling her in front of everyone - or maybe not, but he didn't think it would make a difference if he'd taken her aside first - that he couldn't marry her. All because John had been too afraid to speak up before.
He felt sick.
Cruel wasn't enough to describe what he'd done today. No apology would be adequate for what he had inflicted on her today. He hadn't wanted this. Part of him was still glad that Rodney hadn't married her, but the price was so high. It shouldn't have happened like this.
He looked up at Teyla, unable to speak. So he tried to convey what went through his mind with just a look.
She watched him, concentrating, and he willed her to understand.
"You love him."
John's eyes widened. He looked away. He hadn't wanted to give that much away, but realized that his lack of protest was as good as a confirmation.
"And you told him? Today?" Teyla asked.
John couldn't blame her for her incredulous tone. He quickly looked up at her and away again, confirming her suspicion.
"Oh, John."
He carefully looked up again. He felt relief when he saw her expression. She looked as if she wanted to hug him now, while still contemplating a stick fighting lesson in which she wouldn't pull any punches for once. She hadn't forgiven him. He wasn't sure if she ever would and he probably didn't deserve it, but at least she understood him now and the fond exasperation was back.
They looked at each other for a while before Teyla dropped her gaze to the floor. She sighed heavily, and with one last look at him, she turned and left him alone.
~~
John found Rodney in a remote lab in the lower levels of Atlantis.
He watched him working for a moment, trying to think of an opening. He needed to talk to Rodney. He just didn't know what to say.
"I don't want to talk to you," Rodney said, without turning around.
Fair enough. Maybe it was better for them to give it more time, to give them more time to think things through. Still he couldn't move.
"Is there anything else you wanted?" Rodney didn't sound angry exactly. Frustrated maybe. Uncomfortable.
"Rodney, listen, I'm sorry." He had to say it. There was no point in further delay.
Rodney turned around to him and now he did look angry. "Oh, really, are you?"
John was taken aback by that. What did Rodney think? That he'd done this on purpose? That he'd wanted to put Katie and him through that?
"Of course, I am. I never wanted... anything of this to happen."
"Yes, I see that. Which makes it even worse because you had the power to stop it before it got to this point."
John didn't really know what to say to that. He'd been hopeless and helpless ever since Rodney started dating Katie.
"How?"
"By simply saying something." Rodney sounded desperate now.
"I didn't... I didn't think I should. You wanted to marry her. I didn-"
"No, I didn't," Rodney said quietly.
"You didn't want to marry her," John repeated, making sure he hadn't misunderstood.
"I didn't want to lose her."
"Then why didn't you marry her?" John didn't understand anything any longer.
"Because I don't love her!" He stared at John, looking angry and miserable, and then he looked away.
John watched him. He wanted to comfort him, but he didn't know how and he didn't know if Rodney even wanted his comfort.
"At least not enough to marry her," Rodney continued quietly, still not looking at John.
"Then you shouldn't have said yes." It seemed simple enough.
Rodney looked up at him, his eyes blazing. "You do not get to judge me. I've asked for your opinion for weeks and you didn't say a word. You do not get to stand here and tell me 'I told you so', because you didn't say a fucking word!"
"I'm not saying 'I told you so'. I just don't get why you agreed to marry her, when you never wanted to."
"I thought I wanted it. I wanted to want it." Rodney's gaze turned to the floor. "I didn't want to be alone," he finished quietly.
"You're not alone," John said. He took a step towards Rodney but froze when Rodney held up a hand to stop him.
"Don't. I can't be near you right now."
"I'm sorry," John said again. He was sorry, about what he'd done, about the whole situation.
"I would have needed a friend," Rodney said, and the disappointment in his eyes hurt John as much as his words.
Everything John had done, he'd done because he didn't want to lose Rodney's friendship. The irony of it was sickening. There didn't seem to be any kind of relationship that John Sheppard couldn't fuck up spectacularly.
"I'm sorry I failed you," John said and turned around to leave, because really, there was nothing left to say.
"John."
John turned back to Rodney.
Rodney didn't look at him. "About your... feelings for me," Rodney began, gesturing with his hands. "It cannot have been easy in this situation and I'm sorry for that."
John gave a curt nod. He didn't deserve even this much of Rodney's consideration and he was grateful that Rodney still cared enough to say it.
"But I simply can't think about that right now," Rodney continued, finally looking up at John.
John nodded again. "I don't expect you to. I don't expect you to think about it at all. I never wanted to tell you."
"I get that. And maybe you shouldn't have. As I said, not thinking about it right now." Rodney gave him a quick awkward smile.
John smiled back briefly. "Yes. I'll let you continue." He waved at the computer behind Rodney.
"Whatever happens," Rodney said, stopping John before he left. He looked straight at John now. "Whatever happens, I hope that we will remain friends."
"I hope so, too, Rodney," John said. He wanted that more than anything.
Rodney nodded. Apparently satisfied, he turned back to his work.
John watched him for a moment longer. Then he turned and left.