TEAM ROMANCE: Transformation, "Snapshots of Two Lives in Transition"
Title: Snapshots of Two Lives in Transition
Author: yarnaddict ( interview)
Team: Romance
Prompt: Transformation
Pairing(s): McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Warnings: Spoilers through the end of Season 3
Summary: They met in Antarctica. Thus began the changes that would bring them together.
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**
Album One: Antarctica
In the weeks since his fateful introduction to “The Chair”, capital letters and all, Major John Sheppard’s life had turned upside down. That wasn’t usually something that really bothered him too much - he was, after all, a pilot. This flip, though, was something else entirely.
Stargates. Expeditions to other planets, other galaxies. Genetic mutations - he could almost hear McKay’s annoyed voice in his head, insisting that the ATA gene was a “purely random characteristic”.
All of these staples of science fiction had suddenly become science fact, reality, and John had gone from glorified taxi driver to genetic golden boy - not to mention second highest ranking military officer - for the Atlantis Expedition.
As serious as it all was, he had to laugh. You couldn’t make this stuff up. Truth really was stranger than fiction.
--
McKay - Doctor M. Rodney McKay, thank you very much - found Sheppard in the McMurdo rec room, leafing through a months-old copy of a golfing magazine. Sheppard had read it half a dozen times, at least; McKay had watched him read it half a dozen times. But out on the ice, you took what you could get. Even the “new” magazines that were shipped in from Christchurch were a month or more outdated by the time they reached McMurdo.
“Whaddaya want, McKay?”
Rodney startled, realizing with a frown that he had been staring. “Ah. Yes, well, I was, um... I wondered if you had, uh, eaten yet. I was going to see what’s still left at the...” He trailed off, flushing with embarrassment, as Sheppard just looked at him, one eyebrow arched in amusement.
“You know what?” he heard himself saying, even as a small voice at the back of his mind cursed him for a fool in at least four languages. “Never mind. It was just a stupid idea, anyway.”
Rodney beat a hasty retreat, and was halfway to the mess before Sheppard fell into step beside him.
“Someone mentioned earlier that there’s blue Jell-O, today,” the Major drawled, lips quirked in a half-smile, half-smirk. “Can’t let you have it all, can I?”
When Rodney scowled at him, it almost completely hid the glint of pleasure in his eyes.
--
By the time their food was gone, Rodney had ranted about every single thing that had annoyed him since the last time he’d had Sheppard in the Control Chair. For his part, Sheppard just listened, ate, occasionally grunted a response, and in general let McKay talk. It was easier than trying to get a word in edgewise, and Sheppard was finding that he actually enjoyed listening to McKay babble.
Oddly enough, McKay was on the “pros” side of Sheppard’s pros and cons list, one of the reasons he was glad he’d decided to join the expedition team. As annoying, irritating and overwhelming as McKay could be, he kind of grew on you.
At least, he kind of grew on Sheppard.
Curling his hands around the warmth of his coffee cup, he sat back, smiled a little and just listened to Rodney drone on, hands flying, eyes flashing, words tumbling over each other as they found voice.
Yeah, he thought; he had made the right choice.
--
“...seriously don’t understand why they sent me all of these idiots when we’re preparing for the single most important mission the human race has ever undertaken. And then there are the Neanderthals - and believe me, I could come up with much more descriptive words for the Marines... yes, well. At least you have the gene.”
Rodney cut himself off when he realized it was probably a bad idea to insult the military contingent when trying to convince a member of the military - albeit from another branch thereof - to stay on the expedition team.
Sheppard didn’t seem upset, though. In fact, he looked amused. Rodney felt an answering smile tug at his own lips as he went back to his ranting.
By the time they abandoned their table and headed back to their respective quarters, both men were pretty sure that Sheppard would be staying on the expedition team.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Album Two: Atlantis
From glorified taxi driver to genetic golden boy - to ranking military officer, and wasn’t that just cosmic irony at its best? Sheppard leaned back in his office chair and stared at his laptop screen. Elizabeth wanted him to choose members for his team. They needed to explore, find food, find allies and find a ZPM so they could protect the city. They also needed to avoid becoming Wraith food in the process.
His team would be the first contact team, the equivalent of SG-1 back on earth. He had his short list of prospective team members, but...
Teyla was a no-brainer. She was their local culture expert, the one who knew the people and places of the Pegasus galaxy.
Ford was also a solid choice. The kid was smart, dependable, good under pressure, and very familiar with explosives.
The remaining team slot was for a scientist. O’Neill had Jackson - and Carter, but Jackson wasn’t military - and Sheppard would have... Well, if things went as he hoped, he would have McKay. Elizabeth was even on board, after surprisingly little convincing on John’s part.
Now, he just had to convince McKay.
--
“You want... what? Are you crazy?”
Sheppard had to smirk. Yeah, that was pretty much the reaction he’d expected from McKay.
--
“You’re serious.” Rodney stared at Sheppard across the table in the mess hall, waiting for the punch line, but there didn’t seem to be any imminent laughter aimed in his direction.
“You really are serious. You want me to be on your off-world team.”
“Yes, Rodney, I really want you to be on my off-world team. We need a scientist on the team, and we need the best we can get. That’s you.”
“Well of course that’s me!” Rodney spluttered. “Hello, genius here! But... but... I don’t know how to shoot! I’ve never even... I can’t... I’m...”
Sheppard cocked his head to one side, an eyebrow cocked in amusement and query. “So... that’s a yes?”
Rodney opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, bit his lower lip, and then grinned like a maniac. “Hell yeah, that’s a yes.”
--
“Sheppard! You have to see this! Okay, okay, um... come here. Now, shoot me.”
“Shoot you? McKay are you insane?”
“No, no, no, seriously. Shoot me! In the leg or something, but, uh... I have to test this, the, the personal shield.”
“The what? Oh... Jesus, the gene therapy worked? Okay, hold still...”
“Believe me, I’m not moving.”
“Are you sure about this? I mean, if the shield doesn’t work, you could end up...”
“Just don’t shoot me somewhere vital. I... I trust you.”
--
“...so, you know, next time we run into weird alien life forms, try not to get one attached to your jugular. I seriously didn’t think we were gonna make it back, but, but watching you die like that was... yeah. It pretty much sucked.”
“Wasn’ ‘zactly a party... f’me... either.”
“Oh, uh, I didn’t, um... I thought you were sleeping. I’ll just, um, you know, go and let you get some rest. Quiet rest.”
“M’Kay. Stay?”
“Stay? I... oh. Well. If, uh, if that’s what you want, then, um... okay. Sure. I’ll just... I’ll just stay for a while, then.”
--
“Hey, McKay! Wait up!” Sheppard jogged to catch up to the transporter, even though Rodney was holding the doors open for him. “Hey, thanks. I wanted to talk to you.”
McKay arched a brow at him as he turned to touch the destination map. “Yes? What is it? I’m very busy, as you well know, and I haven’t got time to just chit chat.”
Sheppard grinned and stepped out at McKay’s side as the transporter dropped them at Rodney’s destination. “Too busy to come watch movies with us tonight?”
“Movies? Ha. I have at least three dozen projects awaiting my personal attention, another two or three dozen projects I’ll have to do myself, even though I’ve assigned them to others, because nobody on the entire science team seems to be able to distinguish between their posterior and a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, and...”
“...so that’s a yes?” Sheppard interrupted smoothly, grinning.
Rodney blinked at him, twice, and then sighed and rolled his eyes, fighting back a grin. “Oh, fine, that’s a yes.”
Sheppard grinned even wider and slapped him on the shoulder. “Great. My quarters, twenty-two hundred. See you then.” Without waiting for another round of babble from McKay, he turned and stepped back into the transporter, and was still grinning as the doors slid closed.
--
When Sheppard walked past the open door to Rodney’s private lab for the third time in less than two hours, Rodney finally noticed.
When he walked by for the fourth time, Rodney frowned in confusion but didn’t say anything.
When he walked by for the fifth time, Rodney finally tossed his stylus down in exasperation.
“Would you just come in and stop lurking around like some sort of, some sort of... oh, I don’t know, giant, brooding five-year-old?”
“Brooding?” Sheppard covered his surprise quickly and leaned against the open doorway, crossing his arms over his chest. “Me? I don’t brood.”
Rodney fought back a smirk, and just mimicked Sheppard’s arms-crossed pose - and then quickly uncrossed his arms when the bandaged wounds across his right forearm twinged in pain. “Was there some reason you’ve been haunting my doorway all night? The storm is over, the city’s fine, the Genii are gone...”
Sheppard noticed McKay’s wince of pain, and didn’t quite manage to hide his own flinch. “Just... you know. Making sure everything’s back to normal. You, ah... doin’ all right?”
Rodney cocked his head to the side, and then ruthlessly pushed down the idea that Sheppard’s concern was anything other than worry for a team-mate, that his attention was anything other than making sure the expedition’s top scientist was still all right. “I’m fine, yes. Busy, of course, very busy. So, if you don’t mind...”
Sheppard arched a brow at him, then chuckled and shook his head as he pushed off the doorframe and straightened. “Right, sorry to keep you from your very important game of MahJongg. I’ll just let you get back to it.”
“What? I’m not pl... how did you know what I was doing?” Rodney scowled at Sheppard’s retreating back. “Besides, I was just taking a break! Even geniuses need to take a break every once in a while! And... and... and I have to beat Zelenka’s high score!”
The sound of Sheppard’s donkey-bray laughter chased away his annoyance and brought yet another grin to his face. Maybe... no. Just, just no. Sheppard was checking on his team mate. That was all it was. That was all it could be. But maybe it’d be enough.
--
“What the hell? Jesus, Sheppard. Where did you get... Oh my God, you’re drunk!”
Sheppard looked up from his perfectly comfortable slump on the floor of his quarters, and tried to get the four Rodney McKays in front of him to resolve into one. “Huh? Hey! Rawney! Wanna... um. Wanna have shome?”
McKay grabbed the offered bottle - the offered nearly empty bottle - of Glenmorangie before Sheppard could drop it, and set it aside on the dresser. “No, I don’t wanna have some! What the hell are you doing? Oh God, Elizabeth didn’t... she didn’t fire you or something, did she? I mean, I know you broke the quarantine and all, but, but you saved our asses, saved my life and...”
“Whudifydin’t,” Sheppard interrupted him, and Rodney actually had to squint and parse that through carefully.
“Wha... what? What if you didn’t what? What are you talking about?”
“Whudifydin’ sh... sh... save you?”
Rodney stared for a moment, and then dropped down to sit cross-legged across from his very inebriated friend. “That’s ridiculous. You did. You saved me, Ford, Zelenka, everyone else down there, the whole city. Of course you did. You always do. It’s part of our, our thing, right? You save me, I save you, you save me again... now it’s my turn.”
Sheppard snorted in humourless laughter, and then fumbled for another bottle of single malt. “Y’almosh’ died. Kol... Koly’almosh’ killed ya. An’ Lishbeth. Almosh’ losht th’sh... shiddy.”
Rodney had to fight back a hysterical giggle and the urge to quip that Atlantis wasn’t that bad. “Kolya didn’t kill us, and we didn’t lose the city. And we didn’t lose it today, either. You saved us then, and you saved us today. Sheppard, what the hell is this all about?”
“Shcared, Ro’ney. Not sh’poshed’ta be shcared. Sh’posed’ta be in sh... scharge. Control. But...” He hiccoughed and scrubbed a hand over his face, listed further to the side, and groaned. “Nngh... m’gonna puke.”
Rodney scrambled to his feet and hauled Sheppard up, pulling him towards the bathroom. “Oh no you don’t, not on the floor, just, just wait until you get to the oh my God, that’s disgusting. Oh, gross, gross, what have you been eating? Okay, okay, here, just, here’s the toilet, just throw up into the toilet, there you go...”
Two hours later, he slumped into Sheppard’s desk chair and just stared at the man sleeping - no, passed out - on the narrow bed. “I take it back,” he muttered. “It’s your turn again, because this definitely counts as my turn at saving your ass.”
Sheppard didn’t answer, of course, and Rodney just sighed and closed his eyes, tipped his head back and let the earlier conversation, such as it was, play back in his head.
Scared? Well. Of course, everyone was scared sometimes. And it was perfectly natural that Sheppard would be worried about the Elizabeth’s safety. And Rodney’s. Of course.
That’s all it was. Concern for his boss and his... his friend.
When Sheppard denied any memory of the conversation the next day, Rodney told himself that it didn’t matter.
--
“Look, Rodney, I don’t know what more you want from me.”
“What I want? What I want? I don’t want anything from you, Sheppard. The only thing I want is for our military commander to think with his brain instead of with his dick, by which she was leading you around!”
“Now wait just a damn minute, McKay-“
“No, Sheppard, you wait. You ignored the potential threat, ignored my opinions, ignored good sense, all because you were panting after Chaya and, and, what, trying to get laid?”
“That’s enough, McKay.”
“No, I don’t think it is. I really don’t think it is. I thought you were smarter than that, Sheppard, but obviously I was wrong. Apparently I was wrong about a lot of things. I thought my opinion mattered more to you than the siren song of some ancient bimbo. I thought you’d trust your friends before your libido. I thought maybe I meant more to you than... than... oh, fuck it; never mind.”
“McKay! Dammit, McKay, get your ass back here! Dammit!”
--
“Hey, Rodney.” Sheppard leaned against the doorway of McKay’s lab, watching his friend pretend to pay attention to the readouts scrolling by on his laptop screen.
“Yes, Major? Was there something you wanted? I’m very busy, as you can see...”
“Yeah, I know,” Sheppard interrupted him. “I just wanted to check on you. I, uh... look, I’m sorry about what happened with Allina and the ZPM...”
“Yes, yes, so am I. However, it’s in the past, over and done with, and really, I have very important work to do, so if you don’t mind...” Rodney cut him off, doing his best to brush off the incident, and Sheppard sighed.
“Right, sure. Hey, listen, I found a couple bags of microwave popcorn. Wanna stop by for a movie later on?”
Rodney finally looked up, and Sheppard had to fight back a wince at the dark circles ringing his friend’s eyes.
“Me? I... didn’t think you... yes, all right. I’ll, uh... in a couple of hours?”
The look of relief on McKay’s face twisted the knife of guilt a little deeper in Sheppard’s gut, but he put a smile on his face and nodded. “Perfect. My quarters? Great. See you then, Rodney.”
--
“Listen, maybe I should...”
“We’ve been over this. Miller is a perfectly good pilot, I doubt he’ll get us lost on the way to the satellite, and you’re needed here.”
“Right, right, you’re right. Dammit, I just hate... I should be on the front lines, I should be the one facing the dangerous stuff; not you.”
“We’ll be fine, Major. Though believe me, your concern warms the cockles of my heart.”
“Ha ha. Smart ass. Just... be careful, Rodney.”
“...right. I will. And, um, for the record? I’d rather have you there, too. Be careful back here.”
“Always, McKay. Come back in one piece.”
“That’s my preference, yes.”
--
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.
The words kept repeating in Rodney’s head, over and over, on an endless playback loop as he watched a small blip on the screen - a blip labelled PJ1 - get closer and closer to the blip that represented one of the hive ships.
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.
This is my fault. If I’d gotten the Control Chair working, if I’d come up with a better plan, if I...
This isn’t happening.
“Detonation in five, four, three, two...”
John...
--
The sound of Sheppard’s voice over the comm system actually made Rodney feel light-headed. In the few seconds that he was able to sit down, he found himself saying a prayer of thanks for the first time since... for the first time, ever.
--
The blessed silence in the wake of the Daedalus’ departure was a vivid difference from the nearly non-stop cacophony of sound that had blanketed Atlantis since the Wraith hive ships had first shown up on the long-range sensors. The city felt almost deserted, almost too quiet.
Nearly everyone who wasn’t working on some sort of cleanup effort was asleep. It was just after midnight, and the hallways were all but deserted. Rodney hadn’t slept in far, far too long, but still he found himself prowling the empty halls, absently trailing his fingers along a wall or pausing to watch the ever-entropic shift and flow of bubbles in one of the city’s many aquatic conduits. There was no way he could sleep; not yet.
He found himself reflecting on the past year - which in and of itself made him stop and shake his head. He wasn’t yet old enough to get philosophical about life, except, apparently, when he was, because that was precisely what he was doing.
In the past year, he had gone from theoretical astrophysicist to “holy shit, this stuff really exists!” He’d gone from exploring the possibilities presented by an Ancient chair buried until the Antarctic ice to exploring planets in another galaxy. He’d gone from the Milky way to Pegasus; from Earth to Lantea; from hiding in a laboratory, mostly by himself, to traipsing around alien landscapes with his team - with Sheppard.
He’d gone from theoretically bisexual to...
From social outcast to...
From alone to...
John.
--
“Look, I know it’s the middle of the night, but I can’t sleep and I’ve been walking around the city for the past five hours, trying to think and trying to, to shut my brain off enough that I can rest, only I can’t, and, and, and it’s all your fault!”
Sheppard blinked, rubbed at his forehead with one hand, and stepped back. “C’mon in, Rodney; I wasn’t asleep, anyway.”
“You... oh. Right, um, it’s the middle of the night. I, uh... I’m sorry, listen, I should probably come back another time, when you’re not, not, um, just back from the d-dead and, and...”
“Jesus, Rodney!” Sheppard lunged forward just as McKay started to tip to the side.
--
The world tilted on its axis, and the next thing Rodney knew, he was sitting with his head between his knees and a hand between his shoulder blades. He was oddly surprised to notice that one of his boots was coming untied, and it took him a moment to realize that it wasn’t normal for him to be fixating on that.
“...ths, Rodney, deep breaths, c’mon, don’t pass out on me. Rodney? Dammit, don’t make me call Beckett.”
Sheppard’s voice filtered in through the ringing in his ears - why hadn’t he noticed the ringing in his ears? - and he concentrated hard on parsing the words. Deep breaths? Oh, right; breathing, he needed to do that.
“That’s better, there ya go. Easy, just take it easy. You really need to get some sleep, buddy. Rodney? Hey, are you trackin’?”
“Uh huh. Uhm. I’m, um, okay, not fine. Not gonna pass out, though.” Rodney licked his lips and swallowed. “Lemme up?”
The pressure between his shoulders eased, and he straightened slowly, letting the vertigo pass. Sheppard’s hand stayed against his back, steadying him, and he was just out of it enough to let himself lean into the touch.
Sheppard didn’t seem to mind.
A few more deep breaths helped to clear his head, and he suddenly remembered one of the reasons that he’d come to Sheppard’s quarters in the first place. A zing of adrenaline gave him the strength to turn and push Sheppard back a little.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he snapped as he poked the other man in the chest.
Sheppard was startled enough to step back, and his brow furrowed in confusion. “What? What are you talking about, McKay?”
Rodney shook his head and stood up, took a step forward, and poked Sheppard in the chest again. “I almost had it working! If you’d just waited another five minutes, I would have had it working!”
“Rodney, I...”
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You don’t get to give excuses! You don’t get to tell me that you had to do it, that it’s your damned job to do it, you don’t get to tell me that it would have been okay when you rode the fucking nuclear bomb that I built to your God damned death because it would not have been okay, it would have been anything but okay, it would have fucking well been un-okay in more ways than I can possibly recount to you, and I have a very extensive vocabulary!”
“Rodney, I...”
“How the hell did you expect me to cope with the fact that my fucking bomb killed you, huh? How was I supposed to deal with knowing that, that, that I failed to fix the chair but hey, nope, didn’t fail to make the bomb, and when you add those two together and multiply by Major John Sheppard you get fucking dead? Huh? You don’t get to stand there and say that it wasn’t my fault. You don’t get to stand there and say that you had to do it! You don’t, you don’t get to make me fucking fall in love with you, God dammit, and then just, just fucking die!”
“Rodney, I... what? Wait, what? Okay, wait a minute, hey, sit down before you fall down.”
“I don’t need to sit down! I need to, I need to...”
He needed to stop talking and do something, and right at that very moment, the thing he needed to do more than anything else was kiss John Sheppard. It was either kiss him or kill him, and he’d almost done the latter when what he really wanted to do was the former.
It took him a moment to realize that Sheppard was kissing him back. There were strong hands cupping his head, thumbs brushing his cheekbones, and soft, chapped lips moving against his own. For the very first time ever, he had to tip his head back to kiss someone.
After a moment, Sheppard broke the kiss. “Jesus, Rodney,” he breathed as he tipped his head forward. “I didn’t know. I... me too. Me too. God, Rodney.”
Rodney closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and felt the world settle back into place.
“John.”
----------------------------------------------------------------
Album Three: Together
After the Air Force promoted Sheppard - John - to Lieutenant Colonel, Rodney took a picture of him in his dress blues, with his new rank insignia. Then he spent the next hour exploring his newly-discovered John-in-uniform fetish.
When Cadman was stuck in his head, Rodney was terrified that she was going to find out, that she would ruin John’s career. He was surprised when she said nothing, and even more surprised when, two weeks later, she covered for his near-slip in conversation so that Caldwell wouldn’t find out.
When John started to turn into a bug, Rodney thought - yet again - that he was going to lose him. When John woke up after Carson began the curative treatments, still half-delirious and not yet in control of himself, the first thing he said was “Rodney”. Sheppard and McKay became the best kept “secret” in the city.
When Rodney was trapped at the bottom of the Lantean ocean in a PuddleJumper that was slowly but surely filling with water, he hallucinated that Sam Carter was there to help him. When his hallucination kissed him, he wondered why it felt wrong. When he was back on Atlantis, safe and warm and dry, John kissed him and he figured it out.
When Norina flirted with him, Rodney found himself getting flustered and tripping over his words. He also noticed that John started glaring at Norina’s back when she looked at Rodney. Then John started flirting with her, and Rodney tried to ignore the hurt and concentrate on fixing the Orion. It wasn’t until that night, when John - thinking Rodney was asleep - murmured something about being better than a blonde bimbo that Rodney figured that out.
On the Wraith hive ship, Rodney wasn’t really worried about whether John would try to save them. He was really more worried that John would die trying.
When Kolya kidnapped John and let the Wraith feed on him, it took all of Rodney’s willpower to not scream and rant like a child. When they got John back, whole and healthy and young again, Rodney held it together until they were alone in John’s quarters. Then he broke down and cried. John’s eyes weren’t exactly dry, either.
Before Jeannie beamed up to the Daedalus for the return trip to Earth, she kissed John on the cheek and told him that if he hurt her brother, she’d enjoy storing his balls in a jar of formaldehyde. John just grinned and nodded, and refused to tell Rodney what she’d said.
John had nightmares, for years, about shooting Rodney in the side. He kissed the scar every time they made love.
When Rodney passed out in the Jumper, with blood trickling from his ears, John had to force himself to stay in the pilot’s seat, to not get up and pull Rodney into his arms.
When John killed Kolya, Rodney brought him a bottle of Glenmorangie. They drank it together.
After Rodney didn’t ascend, John held on to him all night long, refusing to let him return to his own quarters. Rodney didn’t really protest.
When John rode a dying moon down to the surface of a mostly dead planet, Rodney contemplated following him. When he heard John’s voice again, he couldn’t help the grin that nearly split his face in two, never mind that Lorne was right there, watching him.
When Carson died, John and Rodney held each other and grieved together. Neither mentioned to the other that, even though they were devastated at the loss of their friend, they were also relieved that they hadn’t lost each other. But both of them knew.
When the United States Government officially repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, John kissed Rodney in the middle of the Gate Room. Nobody in the room was surprised.
**
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Author: yarnaddict ( interview)
Team: Romance
Prompt: Transformation
Pairing(s): McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Warnings: Spoilers through the end of Season 3
Summary: They met in Antarctica. Thus began the changes that would bring them together.
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**
Album One: Antarctica
In the weeks since his fateful introduction to “The Chair”, capital letters and all, Major John Sheppard’s life had turned upside down. That wasn’t usually something that really bothered him too much - he was, after all, a pilot. This flip, though, was something else entirely.
Stargates. Expeditions to other planets, other galaxies. Genetic mutations - he could almost hear McKay’s annoyed voice in his head, insisting that the ATA gene was a “purely random characteristic”.
All of these staples of science fiction had suddenly become science fact, reality, and John had gone from glorified taxi driver to genetic golden boy - not to mention second highest ranking military officer - for the Atlantis Expedition.
As serious as it all was, he had to laugh. You couldn’t make this stuff up. Truth really was stranger than fiction.
--
McKay - Doctor M. Rodney McKay, thank you very much - found Sheppard in the McMurdo rec room, leafing through a months-old copy of a golfing magazine. Sheppard had read it half a dozen times, at least; McKay had watched him read it half a dozen times. But out on the ice, you took what you could get. Even the “new” magazines that were shipped in from Christchurch were a month or more outdated by the time they reached McMurdo.
“Whaddaya want, McKay?”
Rodney startled, realizing with a frown that he had been staring. “Ah. Yes, well, I was, um... I wondered if you had, uh, eaten yet. I was going to see what’s still left at the...” He trailed off, flushing with embarrassment, as Sheppard just looked at him, one eyebrow arched in amusement.
“You know what?” he heard himself saying, even as a small voice at the back of his mind cursed him for a fool in at least four languages. “Never mind. It was just a stupid idea, anyway.”
Rodney beat a hasty retreat, and was halfway to the mess before Sheppard fell into step beside him.
“Someone mentioned earlier that there’s blue Jell-O, today,” the Major drawled, lips quirked in a half-smile, half-smirk. “Can’t let you have it all, can I?”
When Rodney scowled at him, it almost completely hid the glint of pleasure in his eyes.
--
By the time their food was gone, Rodney had ranted about every single thing that had annoyed him since the last time he’d had Sheppard in the Control Chair. For his part, Sheppard just listened, ate, occasionally grunted a response, and in general let McKay talk. It was easier than trying to get a word in edgewise, and Sheppard was finding that he actually enjoyed listening to McKay babble.
Oddly enough, McKay was on the “pros” side of Sheppard’s pros and cons list, one of the reasons he was glad he’d decided to join the expedition team. As annoying, irritating and overwhelming as McKay could be, he kind of grew on you.
At least, he kind of grew on Sheppard.
Curling his hands around the warmth of his coffee cup, he sat back, smiled a little and just listened to Rodney drone on, hands flying, eyes flashing, words tumbling over each other as they found voice.
Yeah, he thought; he had made the right choice.
--
“...seriously don’t understand why they sent me all of these idiots when we’re preparing for the single most important mission the human race has ever undertaken. And then there are the Neanderthals - and believe me, I could come up with much more descriptive words for the Marines... yes, well. At least you have the gene.”
Rodney cut himself off when he realized it was probably a bad idea to insult the military contingent when trying to convince a member of the military - albeit from another branch thereof - to stay on the expedition team.
Sheppard didn’t seem upset, though. In fact, he looked amused. Rodney felt an answering smile tug at his own lips as he went back to his ranting.
By the time they abandoned their table and headed back to their respective quarters, both men were pretty sure that Sheppard would be staying on the expedition team.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Album Two: Atlantis
From glorified taxi driver to genetic golden boy - to ranking military officer, and wasn’t that just cosmic irony at its best? Sheppard leaned back in his office chair and stared at his laptop screen. Elizabeth wanted him to choose members for his team. They needed to explore, find food, find allies and find a ZPM so they could protect the city. They also needed to avoid becoming Wraith food in the process.
His team would be the first contact team, the equivalent of SG-1 back on earth. He had his short list of prospective team members, but...
Teyla was a no-brainer. She was their local culture expert, the one who knew the people and places of the Pegasus galaxy.
Ford was also a solid choice. The kid was smart, dependable, good under pressure, and very familiar with explosives.
The remaining team slot was for a scientist. O’Neill had Jackson - and Carter, but Jackson wasn’t military - and Sheppard would have... Well, if things went as he hoped, he would have McKay. Elizabeth was even on board, after surprisingly little convincing on John’s part.
Now, he just had to convince McKay.
--
“You want... what? Are you crazy?”
Sheppard had to smirk. Yeah, that was pretty much the reaction he’d expected from McKay.
--
“You’re serious.” Rodney stared at Sheppard across the table in the mess hall, waiting for the punch line, but there didn’t seem to be any imminent laughter aimed in his direction.
“You really are serious. You want me to be on your off-world team.”
“Yes, Rodney, I really want you to be on my off-world team. We need a scientist on the team, and we need the best we can get. That’s you.”
“Well of course that’s me!” Rodney spluttered. “Hello, genius here! But... but... I don’t know how to shoot! I’ve never even... I can’t... I’m...”
Sheppard cocked his head to one side, an eyebrow cocked in amusement and query. “So... that’s a yes?”
Rodney opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, bit his lower lip, and then grinned like a maniac. “Hell yeah, that’s a yes.”
--
“Sheppard! You have to see this! Okay, okay, um... come here. Now, shoot me.”
“Shoot you? McKay are you insane?”
“No, no, no, seriously. Shoot me! In the leg or something, but, uh... I have to test this, the, the personal shield.”
“The what? Oh... Jesus, the gene therapy worked? Okay, hold still...”
“Believe me, I’m not moving.”
“Are you sure about this? I mean, if the shield doesn’t work, you could end up...”
“Just don’t shoot me somewhere vital. I... I trust you.”
--
“...so, you know, next time we run into weird alien life forms, try not to get one attached to your jugular. I seriously didn’t think we were gonna make it back, but, but watching you die like that was... yeah. It pretty much sucked.”
“Wasn’ ‘zactly a party... f’me... either.”
“Oh, uh, I didn’t, um... I thought you were sleeping. I’ll just, um, you know, go and let you get some rest. Quiet rest.”
“M’Kay. Stay?”
“Stay? I... oh. Well. If, uh, if that’s what you want, then, um... okay. Sure. I’ll just... I’ll just stay for a while, then.”
--
“Hey, McKay! Wait up!” Sheppard jogged to catch up to the transporter, even though Rodney was holding the doors open for him. “Hey, thanks. I wanted to talk to you.”
McKay arched a brow at him as he turned to touch the destination map. “Yes? What is it? I’m very busy, as you well know, and I haven’t got time to just chit chat.”
Sheppard grinned and stepped out at McKay’s side as the transporter dropped them at Rodney’s destination. “Too busy to come watch movies with us tonight?”
“Movies? Ha. I have at least three dozen projects awaiting my personal attention, another two or three dozen projects I’ll have to do myself, even though I’ve assigned them to others, because nobody on the entire science team seems to be able to distinguish between their posterior and a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, and...”
“...so that’s a yes?” Sheppard interrupted smoothly, grinning.
Rodney blinked at him, twice, and then sighed and rolled his eyes, fighting back a grin. “Oh, fine, that’s a yes.”
Sheppard grinned even wider and slapped him on the shoulder. “Great. My quarters, twenty-two hundred. See you then.” Without waiting for another round of babble from McKay, he turned and stepped back into the transporter, and was still grinning as the doors slid closed.
--
When Sheppard walked past the open door to Rodney’s private lab for the third time in less than two hours, Rodney finally noticed.
When he walked by for the fourth time, Rodney frowned in confusion but didn’t say anything.
When he walked by for the fifth time, Rodney finally tossed his stylus down in exasperation.
“Would you just come in and stop lurking around like some sort of, some sort of... oh, I don’t know, giant, brooding five-year-old?”
“Brooding?” Sheppard covered his surprise quickly and leaned against the open doorway, crossing his arms over his chest. “Me? I don’t brood.”
Rodney fought back a smirk, and just mimicked Sheppard’s arms-crossed pose - and then quickly uncrossed his arms when the bandaged wounds across his right forearm twinged in pain. “Was there some reason you’ve been haunting my doorway all night? The storm is over, the city’s fine, the Genii are gone...”
Sheppard noticed McKay’s wince of pain, and didn’t quite manage to hide his own flinch. “Just... you know. Making sure everything’s back to normal. You, ah... doin’ all right?”
Rodney cocked his head to the side, and then ruthlessly pushed down the idea that Sheppard’s concern was anything other than worry for a team-mate, that his attention was anything other than making sure the expedition’s top scientist was still all right. “I’m fine, yes. Busy, of course, very busy. So, if you don’t mind...”
Sheppard arched a brow at him, then chuckled and shook his head as he pushed off the doorframe and straightened. “Right, sorry to keep you from your very important game of MahJongg. I’ll just let you get back to it.”
“What? I’m not pl... how did you know what I was doing?” Rodney scowled at Sheppard’s retreating back. “Besides, I was just taking a break! Even geniuses need to take a break every once in a while! And... and... and I have to beat Zelenka’s high score!”
The sound of Sheppard’s donkey-bray laughter chased away his annoyance and brought yet another grin to his face. Maybe... no. Just, just no. Sheppard was checking on his team mate. That was all it was. That was all it could be. But maybe it’d be enough.
--
“What the hell? Jesus, Sheppard. Where did you get... Oh my God, you’re drunk!”
Sheppard looked up from his perfectly comfortable slump on the floor of his quarters, and tried to get the four Rodney McKays in front of him to resolve into one. “Huh? Hey! Rawney! Wanna... um. Wanna have shome?”
McKay grabbed the offered bottle - the offered nearly empty bottle - of Glenmorangie before Sheppard could drop it, and set it aside on the dresser. “No, I don’t wanna have some! What the hell are you doing? Oh God, Elizabeth didn’t... she didn’t fire you or something, did she? I mean, I know you broke the quarantine and all, but, but you saved our asses, saved my life and...”
“Whudifydin’t,” Sheppard interrupted him, and Rodney actually had to squint and parse that through carefully.
“Wha... what? What if you didn’t what? What are you talking about?”
“Whudifydin’ sh... sh... save you?”
Rodney stared for a moment, and then dropped down to sit cross-legged across from his very inebriated friend. “That’s ridiculous. You did. You saved me, Ford, Zelenka, everyone else down there, the whole city. Of course you did. You always do. It’s part of our, our thing, right? You save me, I save you, you save me again... now it’s my turn.”
Sheppard snorted in humourless laughter, and then fumbled for another bottle of single malt. “Y’almosh’ died. Kol... Koly’almosh’ killed ya. An’ Lishbeth. Almosh’ losht th’sh... shiddy.”
Rodney had to fight back a hysterical giggle and the urge to quip that Atlantis wasn’t that bad. “Kolya didn’t kill us, and we didn’t lose the city. And we didn’t lose it today, either. You saved us then, and you saved us today. Sheppard, what the hell is this all about?”
“Shcared, Ro’ney. Not sh’poshed’ta be shcared. Sh’posed’ta be in sh... scharge. Control. But...” He hiccoughed and scrubbed a hand over his face, listed further to the side, and groaned. “Nngh... m’gonna puke.”
Rodney scrambled to his feet and hauled Sheppard up, pulling him towards the bathroom. “Oh no you don’t, not on the floor, just, just wait until you get to the oh my God, that’s disgusting. Oh, gross, gross, what have you been eating? Okay, okay, here, just, here’s the toilet, just throw up into the toilet, there you go...”
Two hours later, he slumped into Sheppard’s desk chair and just stared at the man sleeping - no, passed out - on the narrow bed. “I take it back,” he muttered. “It’s your turn again, because this definitely counts as my turn at saving your ass.”
Sheppard didn’t answer, of course, and Rodney just sighed and closed his eyes, tipped his head back and let the earlier conversation, such as it was, play back in his head.
Scared? Well. Of course, everyone was scared sometimes. And it was perfectly natural that Sheppard would be worried about the Elizabeth’s safety. And Rodney’s. Of course.
That’s all it was. Concern for his boss and his... his friend.
When Sheppard denied any memory of the conversation the next day, Rodney told himself that it didn’t matter.
--
“Look, Rodney, I don’t know what more you want from me.”
“What I want? What I want? I don’t want anything from you, Sheppard. The only thing I want is for our military commander to think with his brain instead of with his dick, by which she was leading you around!”
“Now wait just a damn minute, McKay-“
“No, Sheppard, you wait. You ignored the potential threat, ignored my opinions, ignored good sense, all because you were panting after Chaya and, and, what, trying to get laid?”
“That’s enough, McKay.”
“No, I don’t think it is. I really don’t think it is. I thought you were smarter than that, Sheppard, but obviously I was wrong. Apparently I was wrong about a lot of things. I thought my opinion mattered more to you than the siren song of some ancient bimbo. I thought you’d trust your friends before your libido. I thought maybe I meant more to you than... than... oh, fuck it; never mind.”
“McKay! Dammit, McKay, get your ass back here! Dammit!”
--
“Hey, Rodney.” Sheppard leaned against the doorway of McKay’s lab, watching his friend pretend to pay attention to the readouts scrolling by on his laptop screen.
“Yes, Major? Was there something you wanted? I’m very busy, as you can see...”
“Yeah, I know,” Sheppard interrupted him. “I just wanted to check on you. I, uh... look, I’m sorry about what happened with Allina and the ZPM...”
“Yes, yes, so am I. However, it’s in the past, over and done with, and really, I have very important work to do, so if you don’t mind...” Rodney cut him off, doing his best to brush off the incident, and Sheppard sighed.
“Right, sure. Hey, listen, I found a couple bags of microwave popcorn. Wanna stop by for a movie later on?”
Rodney finally looked up, and Sheppard had to fight back a wince at the dark circles ringing his friend’s eyes.
“Me? I... didn’t think you... yes, all right. I’ll, uh... in a couple of hours?”
The look of relief on McKay’s face twisted the knife of guilt a little deeper in Sheppard’s gut, but he put a smile on his face and nodded. “Perfect. My quarters? Great. See you then, Rodney.”
--
“Listen, maybe I should...”
“We’ve been over this. Miller is a perfectly good pilot, I doubt he’ll get us lost on the way to the satellite, and you’re needed here.”
“Right, right, you’re right. Dammit, I just hate... I should be on the front lines, I should be the one facing the dangerous stuff; not you.”
“We’ll be fine, Major. Though believe me, your concern warms the cockles of my heart.”
“Ha ha. Smart ass. Just... be careful, Rodney.”
“...right. I will. And, um, for the record? I’d rather have you there, too. Be careful back here.”
“Always, McKay. Come back in one piece.”
“That’s my preference, yes.”
--
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.
The words kept repeating in Rodney’s head, over and over, on an endless playback loop as he watched a small blip on the screen - a blip labelled PJ1 - get closer and closer to the blip that represented one of the hive ships.
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.
This is my fault. If I’d gotten the Control Chair working, if I’d come up with a better plan, if I...
This isn’t happening.
“Detonation in five, four, three, two...”
John...
--
The sound of Sheppard’s voice over the comm system actually made Rodney feel light-headed. In the few seconds that he was able to sit down, he found himself saying a prayer of thanks for the first time since... for the first time, ever.
--
The blessed silence in the wake of the Daedalus’ departure was a vivid difference from the nearly non-stop cacophony of sound that had blanketed Atlantis since the Wraith hive ships had first shown up on the long-range sensors. The city felt almost deserted, almost too quiet.
Nearly everyone who wasn’t working on some sort of cleanup effort was asleep. It was just after midnight, and the hallways were all but deserted. Rodney hadn’t slept in far, far too long, but still he found himself prowling the empty halls, absently trailing his fingers along a wall or pausing to watch the ever-entropic shift and flow of bubbles in one of the city’s many aquatic conduits. There was no way he could sleep; not yet.
He found himself reflecting on the past year - which in and of itself made him stop and shake his head. He wasn’t yet old enough to get philosophical about life, except, apparently, when he was, because that was precisely what he was doing.
In the past year, he had gone from theoretical astrophysicist to “holy shit, this stuff really exists!” He’d gone from exploring the possibilities presented by an Ancient chair buried until the Antarctic ice to exploring planets in another galaxy. He’d gone from the Milky way to Pegasus; from Earth to Lantea; from hiding in a laboratory, mostly by himself, to traipsing around alien landscapes with his team - with Sheppard.
He’d gone from theoretically bisexual to...
From social outcast to...
From alone to...
John.
--
“Look, I know it’s the middle of the night, but I can’t sleep and I’ve been walking around the city for the past five hours, trying to think and trying to, to shut my brain off enough that I can rest, only I can’t, and, and, and it’s all your fault!”
Sheppard blinked, rubbed at his forehead with one hand, and stepped back. “C’mon in, Rodney; I wasn’t asleep, anyway.”
“You... oh. Right, um, it’s the middle of the night. I, uh... I’m sorry, listen, I should probably come back another time, when you’re not, not, um, just back from the d-dead and, and...”
“Jesus, Rodney!” Sheppard lunged forward just as McKay started to tip to the side.
--
The world tilted on its axis, and the next thing Rodney knew, he was sitting with his head between his knees and a hand between his shoulder blades. He was oddly surprised to notice that one of his boots was coming untied, and it took him a moment to realize that it wasn’t normal for him to be fixating on that.
“...ths, Rodney, deep breaths, c’mon, don’t pass out on me. Rodney? Dammit, don’t make me call Beckett.”
Sheppard’s voice filtered in through the ringing in his ears - why hadn’t he noticed the ringing in his ears? - and he concentrated hard on parsing the words. Deep breaths? Oh, right; breathing, he needed to do that.
“That’s better, there ya go. Easy, just take it easy. You really need to get some sleep, buddy. Rodney? Hey, are you trackin’?”
“Uh huh. Uhm. I’m, um, okay, not fine. Not gonna pass out, though.” Rodney licked his lips and swallowed. “Lemme up?”
The pressure between his shoulders eased, and he straightened slowly, letting the vertigo pass. Sheppard’s hand stayed against his back, steadying him, and he was just out of it enough to let himself lean into the touch.
Sheppard didn’t seem to mind.
A few more deep breaths helped to clear his head, and he suddenly remembered one of the reasons that he’d come to Sheppard’s quarters in the first place. A zing of adrenaline gave him the strength to turn and push Sheppard back a little.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he snapped as he poked the other man in the chest.
Sheppard was startled enough to step back, and his brow furrowed in confusion. “What? What are you talking about, McKay?”
Rodney shook his head and stood up, took a step forward, and poked Sheppard in the chest again. “I almost had it working! If you’d just waited another five minutes, I would have had it working!”
“Rodney, I...”
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You don’t get to give excuses! You don’t get to tell me that you had to do it, that it’s your damned job to do it, you don’t get to tell me that it would have been okay when you rode the fucking nuclear bomb that I built to your God damned death because it would not have been okay, it would have been anything but okay, it would have fucking well been un-okay in more ways than I can possibly recount to you, and I have a very extensive vocabulary!”
“Rodney, I...”
“How the hell did you expect me to cope with the fact that my fucking bomb killed you, huh? How was I supposed to deal with knowing that, that, that I failed to fix the chair but hey, nope, didn’t fail to make the bomb, and when you add those two together and multiply by Major John Sheppard you get fucking dead? Huh? You don’t get to stand there and say that it wasn’t my fault. You don’t get to stand there and say that you had to do it! You don’t, you don’t get to make me fucking fall in love with you, God dammit, and then just, just fucking die!”
“Rodney, I... what? Wait, what? Okay, wait a minute, hey, sit down before you fall down.”
“I don’t need to sit down! I need to, I need to...”
He needed to stop talking and do something, and right at that very moment, the thing he needed to do more than anything else was kiss John Sheppard. It was either kiss him or kill him, and he’d almost done the latter when what he really wanted to do was the former.
It took him a moment to realize that Sheppard was kissing him back. There were strong hands cupping his head, thumbs brushing his cheekbones, and soft, chapped lips moving against his own. For the very first time ever, he had to tip his head back to kiss someone.
After a moment, Sheppard broke the kiss. “Jesus, Rodney,” he breathed as he tipped his head forward. “I didn’t know. I... me too. Me too. God, Rodney.”
Rodney closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and felt the world settle back into place.
“John.”
----------------------------------------------------------------
Album Three: Together
After the Air Force promoted Sheppard - John - to Lieutenant Colonel, Rodney took a picture of him in his dress blues, with his new rank insignia. Then he spent the next hour exploring his newly-discovered John-in-uniform fetish.
When Cadman was stuck in his head, Rodney was terrified that she was going to find out, that she would ruin John’s career. He was surprised when she said nothing, and even more surprised when, two weeks later, she covered for his near-slip in conversation so that Caldwell wouldn’t find out.
When John started to turn into a bug, Rodney thought - yet again - that he was going to lose him. When John woke up after Carson began the curative treatments, still half-delirious and not yet in control of himself, the first thing he said was “Rodney”. Sheppard and McKay became the best kept “secret” in the city.
When Rodney was trapped at the bottom of the Lantean ocean in a PuddleJumper that was slowly but surely filling with water, he hallucinated that Sam Carter was there to help him. When his hallucination kissed him, he wondered why it felt wrong. When he was back on Atlantis, safe and warm and dry, John kissed him and he figured it out.
When Norina flirted with him, Rodney found himself getting flustered and tripping over his words. He also noticed that John started glaring at Norina’s back when she looked at Rodney. Then John started flirting with her, and Rodney tried to ignore the hurt and concentrate on fixing the Orion. It wasn’t until that night, when John - thinking Rodney was asleep - murmured something about being better than a blonde bimbo that Rodney figured that out.
On the Wraith hive ship, Rodney wasn’t really worried about whether John would try to save them. He was really more worried that John would die trying.
When Kolya kidnapped John and let the Wraith feed on him, it took all of Rodney’s willpower to not scream and rant like a child. When they got John back, whole and healthy and young again, Rodney held it together until they were alone in John’s quarters. Then he broke down and cried. John’s eyes weren’t exactly dry, either.
Before Jeannie beamed up to the Daedalus for the return trip to Earth, she kissed John on the cheek and told him that if he hurt her brother, she’d enjoy storing his balls in a jar of formaldehyde. John just grinned and nodded, and refused to tell Rodney what she’d said.
John had nightmares, for years, about shooting Rodney in the side. He kissed the scar every time they made love.
When Rodney passed out in the Jumper, with blood trickling from his ears, John had to force himself to stay in the pilot’s seat, to not get up and pull Rodney into his arms.
When John killed Kolya, Rodney brought him a bottle of Glenmorangie. They drank it together.
After Rodney didn’t ascend, John held on to him all night long, refusing to let him return to his own quarters. Rodney didn’t really protest.
When John rode a dying moon down to the surface of a mostly dead planet, Rodney contemplated following him. When he heard John’s voice again, he couldn’t help the grin that nearly split his face in two, never mind that Lorne was right there, watching him.
When Carson died, John and Rodney held each other and grieved together. Neither mentioned to the other that, even though they were devastated at the loss of their friend, they were also relieved that they hadn’t lost each other. But both of them knew.
When the United States Government officially repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, John kissed Rodney in the middle of the Gate Room. Nobody in the room was surprised.
**
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