Breaking
My morning started like most any other morning, as of late - a fifteen minute gratitude meditation, a cup of steaming hot coffee and an empty class..
When I returned from the studio, I had to write up a few invoices for Shawn. He was in a rush, as usual. After the last invoice had been printed, I decided to take a book outside and finish my coffee. I needed a few moments to myself anyways. I had been outside for almost 10 minutes when Shawn came out, all packed up and ready to head out to work.
We were painfully polite to one another, wishing each other a pleasant day etc. etc.
I always feel relieved when I finally hear the sound of his truck tires against the tiny imported rocks that make up the driveway - it signals safey, it reminds me to relax and breathe, once again.
There's a lot of standing water in the front yard, due to all the rain we've had. The mosquitos were swarming out there. And so, I decided to take my book back inside, besides, I was ready for another cup of coffee. When I went to open the front door, it was locked. It actually took me a moment to come to grips with the simple fact that Shawn had absentmindedly locked me out of the fucking house. Now, I should mention here that this is not the first time. No, in fact, I don't think I could actually count the times that he's "accidentally" locked me out - not to mention the times when he's done so, intentionally.
My first thought was of Sage, who was sleeping peacefully on the other side of the house. My second thought was that I knew damn well she could sleep soundly in the middle of a mosh pit. A warm wave of panic kicked in, settling deep into parts of me that had been unvisited for quite some time.
At first I thought, no big deal, I'll just knock on the glass door as loud as I can, hoping that Sage wakes up. And so I did just that. But, nothing. Nothing at all. So, now you're probably wondering why I didn't just walk around to the back of the house and knock on Sage's window. Sounds logical. Except for the fortress-like fence that Shawn built around the front yard years ago in a desperate attempt to shut the world out, or to shut me in, depending on how you choose to look at it. And, it was fitted with a fucking dead bolt, to boot. Looking at the fence, I knew it was too high for me to make it over. Even if I could, the back gate is locked as well. So, let's say I did make it over, I might then be stuck even further away from my sleeping child.
All of a sudden, as I'm pacing the tiny space that is our front yard, my anxiety turned to rage. I began to pound on the front door, as hard as I could. For twenty minutes I wailed on that god-damned door. And still, nothing. Of course, this enraged me even more..
The sound of my fist wailing upon the door was soon quieted by the wailing inside of my heart. I began to lose it. I can't remember the last time I was so angry. I thought about how I never get angry and how even if I do, I bury it. I bury it so deeply and so quickly that I forget it's even possible (or acceptable) for me to feel anger.
And so, I began to let it out. Tears exploded from my eyes as I proceded to freak the fuck out. I smashed empty bottles that hadn't quite made it to the recycle bin, I threw chairs into the bushes and turned over the teak table - kicking it as though somehow, it might make me feel better. And ya know what? It did...it did make me feel better. And so I kept at it...I left nothing untouched...I screamed and cried and hit and kicked as many things and as many times as I could.
I screamed and cried for every time that I've ever been locked out, locked in, shut out or shut up. I hit and kicked for every time I'd been called a whore, a bitch, a slut or a cunt. For every time I'd been afraid in my own home, for every time I've ever had to lock my child in her room for safety, for every time I locked myself, as a child, in my own room for the same reason...
Eventually, I collapsed to the ground..a sweet and quiet ache was all that remained...
I stayed there, on the damp ground, for almost an hour, allowing myself to cry until something strange happened - my tears turned to laughter. It was a mix of tears and laughter, actually - such a beautiful release. I think I started to laugh when I realized, fuck - here I am, trying to break into the house that I've been trying to break out of for years..the irony was almost too much to bear..what else could I do but laugh?
About twenty minutes later, I picked myself up off the ground and began knocking on the door again. Still laughing (at myself), I wondered how long I might be stuck out here. I wondered if it even mattered. I knew Sage had to wake up at some point.
And then she did. She finally heard me at the door and stumbled over, with her sleepy green eyes and wild bed-head hair. She opened the door, looking out at the mess I had created. In that moment, I was without words. Luckily, with Sage, I don't always need them. She took a long look at me, with this tiny little smile dripping from the corner of her mouth and she knew. I just smiled back at her, falling deep into her eyes. She knew I had been locked out. And she knew I was responsible for the destruction of the front yard.
With an outstretched hand, she said only this, "Come inside, silly mommy, it's ok now, it's all gonna be ok."
When I returned from the studio, I had to write up a few invoices for Shawn. He was in a rush, as usual. After the last invoice had been printed, I decided to take a book outside and finish my coffee. I needed a few moments to myself anyways. I had been outside for almost 10 minutes when Shawn came out, all packed up and ready to head out to work.
We were painfully polite to one another, wishing each other a pleasant day etc. etc.
I always feel relieved when I finally hear the sound of his truck tires against the tiny imported rocks that make up the driveway - it signals safey, it reminds me to relax and breathe, once again.
There's a lot of standing water in the front yard, due to all the rain we've had. The mosquitos were swarming out there. And so, I decided to take my book back inside, besides, I was ready for another cup of coffee. When I went to open the front door, it was locked. It actually took me a moment to come to grips with the simple fact that Shawn had absentmindedly locked me out of the fucking house. Now, I should mention here that this is not the first time. No, in fact, I don't think I could actually count the times that he's "accidentally" locked me out - not to mention the times when he's done so, intentionally.
My first thought was of Sage, who was sleeping peacefully on the other side of the house. My second thought was that I knew damn well she could sleep soundly in the middle of a mosh pit. A warm wave of panic kicked in, settling deep into parts of me that had been unvisited for quite some time.
At first I thought, no big deal, I'll just knock on the glass door as loud as I can, hoping that Sage wakes up. And so I did just that. But, nothing. Nothing at all. So, now you're probably wondering why I didn't just walk around to the back of the house and knock on Sage's window. Sounds logical. Except for the fortress-like fence that Shawn built around the front yard years ago in a desperate attempt to shut the world out, or to shut me in, depending on how you choose to look at it. And, it was fitted with a fucking dead bolt, to boot. Looking at the fence, I knew it was too high for me to make it over. Even if I could, the back gate is locked as well. So, let's say I did make it over, I might then be stuck even further away from my sleeping child.
All of a sudden, as I'm pacing the tiny space that is our front yard, my anxiety turned to rage. I began to pound on the front door, as hard as I could. For twenty minutes I wailed on that god-damned door. And still, nothing. Of course, this enraged me even more..
The sound of my fist wailing upon the door was soon quieted by the wailing inside of my heart. I began to lose it. I can't remember the last time I was so angry. I thought about how I never get angry and how even if I do, I bury it. I bury it so deeply and so quickly that I forget it's even possible (or acceptable) for me to feel anger.
And so, I began to let it out. Tears exploded from my eyes as I proceded to freak the fuck out. I smashed empty bottles that hadn't quite made it to the recycle bin, I threw chairs into the bushes and turned over the teak table - kicking it as though somehow, it might make me feel better. And ya know what? It did...it did make me feel better. And so I kept at it...I left nothing untouched...I screamed and cried and hit and kicked as many things and as many times as I could.
I screamed and cried for every time that I've ever been locked out, locked in, shut out or shut up. I hit and kicked for every time I'd been called a whore, a bitch, a slut or a cunt. For every time I'd been afraid in my own home, for every time I've ever had to lock my child in her room for safety, for every time I locked myself, as a child, in my own room for the same reason...
Eventually, I collapsed to the ground..a sweet and quiet ache was all that remained...
I stayed there, on the damp ground, for almost an hour, allowing myself to cry until something strange happened - my tears turned to laughter. It was a mix of tears and laughter, actually - such a beautiful release. I think I started to laugh when I realized, fuck - here I am, trying to break into the house that I've been trying to break out of for years..the irony was almost too much to bear..what else could I do but laugh?
About twenty minutes later, I picked myself up off the ground and began knocking on the door again. Still laughing (at myself), I wondered how long I might be stuck out here. I wondered if it even mattered. I knew Sage had to wake up at some point.
And then she did. She finally heard me at the door and stumbled over, with her sleepy green eyes and wild bed-head hair. She opened the door, looking out at the mess I had created. In that moment, I was without words. Luckily, with Sage, I don't always need them. She took a long look at me, with this tiny little smile dripping from the corner of her mouth and she knew. I just smiled back at her, falling deep into her eyes. She knew I had been locked out. And she knew I was responsible for the destruction of the front yard.
With an outstretched hand, she said only this, "Come inside, silly mommy, it's ok now, it's all gonna be ok."