If I stay (Yama) Final part REPOST
Title: If I stay
Author: MatsuAurore
Beta: My lovely sister, Sakudada<3
Pairing: Yama, Matsumiya (slight)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, drama, fluff, romance, fantasy (I guess xD)
Disclaimer: Own them just in my dreams XD
WARNING: REPOST OF THE PART TWO OF THE FINAL PART BECAUSE LJ MADE ME SOME TRICKS XD
****
I opened my eyes and smiled. This memory... It was three years ago before Satoshi came in my apartment and told me he loved me. I was so weak at this time; I didn't see how much you loved me and how much I hurt you. My Satoshi, you have always been there for me without complaining. I'm actually so selfish again. Making you cry, making you hope and wait for my return. But you know, it's difficult for me to choose. I really love you, you, my family and Jun, Aiba and Nino but sometimes, life is unfair, life made tricks to you. I just want to be sure; I don't want to regret if I leave this world. But I know I'll regret it if I leave you. You're here, your head on my chest, holding my hand and sleeping peacefully. You're so beautiful; you look like an innocent baby. I want to be with you, I want to take care of you forever. I miss your scent; I miss your skin under my fingers, your voice when you say my name or when you are screaming of pleasure when we making love. I miss you so much, Satoshi.
I saw Jun who was looking at you with sadness. I hurt him too because of you. I know he hated when his best friend was unhappy. Nino is crying in secret. His head is turned toward the window but I can see the tears rolling on his cheeks. He still hated showing his feelings in front of someone, even with us, after all these years. Aiba didn't cry but I knew he just tried to be strong in front of his friends and Sato. I could see tears filling his eyes too. I couldn't make them hope for nothing anymore. I must act.
****
I looked at the scene. Again. I feel a feeling of deja vu. It's my turn to sing my solo, again. I wrote this solo for Satoshi, again. In the last year, nothing had changed. I was still in deep love with Satoshi and I didn't want to confess. But when I'll sing this solo, it will be for you, Satoshi, and only for you. You instigated me this song, it's the proof of my deep love for you. I walked on the scene and the music started. I hope you are listening to me. I love you, Satoshi. This song is for you...
Vibrations that overlapped
My heart beat with yours
The wind passed by
It's only been a little bit since those days
I feel I've become used to being an adult in the passing season
Four years had passed since I understood I loved you. And nothing has changed. I can't move on. I can't confess. I was 31 years old, now, I was an adult but I acted like a baby, keeping my feelings deep inside me, crying every night because this love was gagging me more and more as time passed. I couldn't even remember when my love for you started. Words of love turned and turned in my mind but I couldn't say it to you...
The words that I can't say repeat in my heart
I wonder since when did the time I spend with you become so dear
Don't fade
The past and the future connect to here
If you listen carefully, you'll hear it Those days will stay gold
But I was happy if you stayed next to me. Your happiness was my first priority even if it meant I'll continue to suffer. I could see my future; I knew it will be the same than before. I loved you and I'll always love you, it was my fate. And it will never change...
More, as we are
So that it will get to you
This unchanging love
Overflowing in these modest days
I love you
Connected with deep bonds
More, starting from now
So that it will shine
Tomorrow is wonderful
Only for the two of us
(Baby, please stay gold)
A flower of love
(Baby, I love you)
Forever
My love for you is like a flower. It seems fragile but it's as strong as the wind. I want to carry you, to make you happy. Please, baby, stay like you are. Keep this smile and this kindness. Keep this calm and this sensitivity that made me fell in love with you. Please, Satoshi, stay the same!
Portraits decorating my room Taking along the memories when I laughed with you, I opened the door
The dots and lines I connected with you
So that we can follow the way to eternity that includes our wishes
On an afternoon that smells of the fallen rain, the puddles reflect the sky above
We tried jumping over them
That relaxing time was also dear
Do you remember this day under the rain? I was staring at the rain falling hard with a heavy heart. It was the end of the world in my mind. And you appeared next to me, smiling softly. Your voice pulled me back like a wake up call and I grinned, looking at the rainbow in the sky. I was so glad I found you, my angel. You slipped your arm around my waist and laid your head on my shoulder. I felt so calm and happy at this moment. You always knew how make me feel better without a word. Without thinking, I hugged you and buried my face in your hair, smelling your scent. And you let me did that. You didn't push me away but wrapped my waist with your arms, still without a word.
Even if sometime I forget the landscape from those days
I think I won't forget that you were always by my side
More, as we are
With the same memories and this unchanging love
Writing down these common days
I love you
The pages with you are increasing
From now on, I want you to keep smiling more and forever
Even on rainy days
(Baby, please stay gold)
Even on windy days
(Baby, I love you)
Forever
Do you remember, Satoshi? When I started crying, you just tightened your grip around me and my heart calmed down. I felt so happy you were there! Because you lived, because you made me believe in myself when nobody else could, because you lived, Satoshi, my world had everything I needed to survive...
The reason for the tears behind the smile
I keep going without understanding it
Even now
I wonder what kind of days we went through
It's on my mind
Even now
The sun shines through the trees
The memory of that smell
Every time I gaze out the window, I can smell it
I'll pray for tomorrow
That tomorrow will bear fruit
The moment that breathing starts
Everytime I thought about this day, I understood what you meant to me. When you cupped my face in your so beautiful hands and smiled at me. When you wiped my tears with your thumb and said all will be all right. I never felt so weak and so strong at the same time. Weak, because I cried in front of you and showed you my pain. Strong, because you were there for me, appeasing my heart just with a smile. I wanted to say I loved you but I couldn't. When my look met the kindness shining in your eyes, words couldn't leave my mouth. I tried so many times in front of my mirror but when I looked at you, I thought I didn't deserve someone like you and couldn't say the right words. Yet, I just wanted to say simple words, I just wanted to say, I love you, Satoshi...
The sense of monochrome beginning to change color
A poem on a paper that's begun to lose its meaning
It's worrying
That I might start to dislike myself
It's boring
If that's so, then sing out your feelings
"I love... I love you, my boo"
In a signal that only we will understand
All I want to say "I love... "
No matter the words, they flutter in the air
Words of love died in my throat. I wanted you to know. I wanted to shout it to the whole world that you were mine and only mine even if you didn't share my feelings. Jealousy gagged my heart like a snake around his prey. You stole my heart and my mind this day. Please, give me back my life! Give me back my reason and let me move on, Satoshi. But you didn't. I continued to love you and even more than before. I wanted to say these forbidden words, I wanted to live happy in the sin but with you. I love... I wanted to say I love you but words died in my throat...
More, as we are
So that it will get to you
This unchanging love
Overflowing in these modest days
I love you
Connected with deep bonds
More, starting from now
So that it will shine
Tomorrow is wonderful
Only for the two of us
(Baby, please stay gold)
A flower of love
(Baby, I love you)
Forever
A tear rolled on my cheek when I left the scene. I quickly wiped it and smiled at you. You were listening to me when I sang! Happiness filled my heart and I hugged you. I felt your surprise but you smiled softly and hugged me too.
"It was very beautiful, Sho." You whispered in my ear and my heart almost stopped.
"Thank you." I looked at you, wanting to say these words but I couldn't.
"Your heart is so beautiful." You smiled and stroked my cheek before leaving me to walk on the scene. I stayed paralyzed by your last words. No. I wasn't beautiful, my heart was so bad.
"I love you, Satoshi." I said, looking at your shadow.
****
I stared at my lover with a determinate look. It was enough. I've made Satoshi and my friends suffer enough. I'll do it when he'll leave for his work, I couldn't do it now, I didn't want him to see me dying, it would be unfair and horrible for him. I must do it alone. Satoshi, my baby, forgive me. Don't hate me, please, but I can't do it, I'm exhausted and weak. Please, my love, don't be too sad, move on, find someone who will be able to make you happy not like me, someone who will deserve you and your beautiful soul. I can't explain to you why I leave but you have to know that I love you more than anything, more than my own life. You shined my life when we were together and I hope there is a paradise or another life to live with you again. I wanted to be with you forever but I can't bear all this pressure anymore, I'm like an old man who has lived 80 years even if I am just 31 years old. Satoshi, please, be happy.
Ohno looked at his sleeping lover with a bad feeling. He didn't know why, but he felt as if Sho wouldn't be there anymore when he will come back. As if his lover was waiting for his starts to give up. But he had to leave for his work even if he didn't want to.
"Sho, I have to leave for my work but I promise I'll come back quickly. You know, you always said to me you were sorry because you didn't show your feelings to me properly but it's false. I know how much you love me, I don't need words, flowers or letters if you are next to me and if I can see your love for me shining in your eyes. I'm sorry because I didn't show you my feelings very much." Ohno stopped a while, taking a deep breath.
No Satoshi, don't say these things, don't be sorry.
"You know, I love you since our beginning in Arashi. I admired you when you were studying despite Arashi and when you passed your exams, I was so proud of you. You didn't need to do all this work to make me proud of you. I know what kind of man you are and it's enough to me. I fell in love with you because of your kindness, your intelligence, your voice and many other things. I knew you wrote Taboo and Kono mama motto for me, Masaki told me. I was so happy when I heard you loved me like that and I waited for you. I waited for a confession, a word, These words. But you never confessed and that's why I came in your apartment this night."
Masaki told you? I was sure this little idiot couldn't keep his tongue. You knew I loved you?
"I don't write my solo like you with your rap but I chose my solo because of you. All my solos were for you. When I sang it, I always had your face in my mind. Rain, Song for me, Take me faraway, Shizuka na yoru ni and Two. All these songs were for you and only for you."
Tears were rolling down on my cheeks. You chose it for me? All these beautiful things were for me?
"If today I sing, it's because of you. If today I smile, it's because of you. All what I am is because of you. I owe you all what I am, now. I seem in another world but you know, I listen to you. You, the most important person in my life. If you leave me, I won't be able to survive, Sho. I can't live without you. Like you said in Taboo, it's too late, I can't go back, you're my drug. If you meant all these beautiful things you said in your songs, then, come back, don't leave me alone, Sho. I won't be able to handle your start and to love someone else, it's impossible to me because there is you and only you in my heart."
No. Satoshi, don't say these horrible things. You can't spoil your life for someone like me. Satoshi, baby, please don't give up, I want you to be happy!
"I know you went through hard things even if you didn't speak about it to me. I could see it in your eyes. I could see how it's hard to live with this name. Your duty, your parents, the pressure... All these things are hard even for someone as strong as you. But even if you don't want to find all of that again, come back to me. I'll help you as hard as I can and I promise I'll do my best to make you happy but please, Sho, don't give up. Do you remember the day when it was raining? I remember as if it was yesterday. You were looking at the rain outside with very sad eyes. I don't know what you were thinking about but my heart broke this day. When you looked at me and saw my fake smile, you hugged me and started to cry. Sho, my Sho. You cried so hard and it was so painful to me even if your tears are the most beautiful of the world. You can't imagine how I wanted to cry and ask you why you were so sad, but I didn't say anything. Sometimes, silence is our best friend and I just hugged you back, waiting for you to calm down. When you stopped, we looked at the sky and saw a beautiful rainbow."
Satoshi! You remember?! Please don't say you love me more than anything, don't try to keep me, it's too painful to leave you if you say things like that to me.
"Maybe this rainbow was there for us at this time. Please, don't leave, I love you so much, Sho." Ohno kissed his lover's lips and put a small device on the bedside. "Listen and don't forget what it means to me." Ohno left the room with a last sad smile.
My reflection overlaps in the car window with you who are smiling next to me
You're this close to my side and yet I can't touch you
The melody that plays from the stereo now is just sad to me
I wish I could make you only mine
So don't ever go, ever go, ever go, go away
Even if the dawn breaks
Don't ever go, ever go, ever go, go away
I don't want to let you go home
For just a little bit longer
Don't say anything and follow me
My heart is crying that it wants to take you away with me
I need you I need you I need you
Even if tonight is the first and last time
The moonlight shines down on you who suddenly sank into silence
Aimlessly wandering on this highway, unable to stop
I wonder since when That what was more dazzling than any landscape was you
The only thing that leads me astray is you
So don't ever go, ever go, ever go, go away
Turn your heart around towards me
Don't ever go, ever go, ever go, go away
Because I don't want to let you go
Our destiny is something that no one can break
Don't cry with those eyes. Because I'll hold you close
I love you I love you I love you
At the very least, I pray that tonight will last forever
Even if I hide away the words I want to tell you
My love would overflow
So much that it would make you shiver
For just a little bit longer
Don't say anything and follow me
My heart is crying that it wants to take you away with me
I need you I need you I need you
Even if tonight is the first and last time
Two. His last solo. It was for me, it was his feelings to me. He chose it, thinking about our love. Tears were rolling down on my face like a waterfall. I'm sorry Satoshi, but I can't stay, I can't, I...
A pain crossed my head and I grabbed it with my hands, screaming. No. Not now. I wasn't ready. Weakness filled my body and I could hear the machines ringing loudly and the doctors rushing around my body. No. It was the end. Satoshi, I'm sorry, baby. I love you....
And all became dark...
****
Ohno fell on the ground while he was singing. Jun screamed and ran toward him.
"Satoshi?!"
Ohno opened his eyes with difficulty and saw his friends who were staring at him with worried face.
"What happened?" Ohno whispered.
"You fainted while we were singing, you..." Jun started but stopped when he saw Ohno's pale face.
"Sho!!!" Ohno stood up and left the room, running.
Ohno arrived at the hospital, out of breath. He opened Sho's room and his heart stopped. The bedroom was empty, the bed was empty. Ohno fell on the ground, tears rolling on his cheeks. No. No. No. It couldn't be possible. Sho couldn't be dead. No. He refused to believe it.
"Sho~" Ohno sobbed loudly.
"Ano~ Ohno-san?" A nurse kneeled in front of Ohno who raised his teary eyes. "I'm sorry, follow me, please." She helped the crying man to stand up and took him away. Ohno followed her with empty eyes, his body was so weak. He felt so sad, pain crossing his heart. He stared at the ground, tears falling on the floor while he was walking slowly. The nurse opened a door. "I'm sorry, Ohno-san, you need to be alone, I let you two." Ohno raised his head, surprised but she had already disappeared. His eyes traveled in the room and he froze. No. No. No. It couldn't be possible, it...
Satoshi put his hand on his mouth and ran toward his lover who was laid on a bed with weepy eyes and hugged him tightly as if there was no tomorrow, stroking his face, kissing his nose, his lips, his cheeks, crying and laughing at the same time.
"I stay." Sho whispered to his crying lover.
Owari <3