A short story, part 2.

[masteroftoys]

http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=489181505&size=l

My name is Emily, I have lived in New York since I was born. Despite the fact I lived in the a huge city it wasn’t as fun as people would think. Out of the fifteen years I have lived here nothing ever happened to me, until about two weeks ago. When a small toy store moved in to town. I had

Comments

[anonymous]

The introduction of Emily in this story is, I think, the best introduction you've done so far, but she needs just a little more detail I think.

In fact, I think the entire beginning of the story is well done, though I would have preferred a longer transformation sequence. But that's just a preference of mine.

I felt that the action sequence moved too fast and lacked detail, though. But action sequences are rather difficult to write, because they typically involve multiple characters doing multiple things in rapid succession, which would end up as endless stings of ". . . and. . . and. . . and . . ." I would suggest to do a quick search for "writing Action sequences" and applying some of those tips to this story.

Another recommendation I have is to describe what Emily feels as the owner controls her strings. Is she moving freely, to suddenly be yanked and moved? Or is she never really in control?

In any case, the story was cute, and I can't help but wonder if you ever wrote the story of how Ally and Emily became Marionette Heroes.

[jay_petto]

While I don't condone anything as irresponsible as using living marionettes to commit crimes, I am enjoying this :) The part where the store owner plays with his puppets was especially fun (::shrugs:: hey - I'm evil).

One thing I'd suggest is to either change the last two paragraphs or put in some kind of separator. The story goes from being told in first person to third. It does that too shortly after Emily wakes up as a toy, but that's simple to change.

A possible fix would be to rewrite those two in first person; simply set it at the same time, but make it the day the old man unveils the new control setup. The two marionettes (one narrating) are being manipulated into doing various things while the old man talks to someone nearby (this other person can utter the line "They look so lifelike!"). That'd also let you mention what kind of reaction they two have being played with.

Just an idea, though.

I hope you keep posting these :D

~ Jay