my first story.

[masteroftoys]

I have been working on my own story off and on for about two weeks or so. here is what i have so far.

http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">

Comments

First Story

[marleneb]

Masteroftoys -- An *excellent* first story! A few misspellings here and there, but nothing a good spellchecker and extra set of eyes to proofread won't cure!

I can't wait to see how the story progresses! Keep up the great work!

Hugs,
Marlene

[anonymous]

I really like where this story is prepared to go, and adore that the girls were turned into Toy Soldierettes. Don't see as much of them as you should.

But, I would definitely recommend adding more detail to the piece. Little things, like the owner introducing himself and telling his name, mentioning the teacher's name, and giving Kari / Cindy more information than just what they look like. It doesn't have to be long; a few sentences when they're introduced, and a few more as need be.

I will also recommend a good proofreading, by either yourself or another person. I noticed at several points that you forgot end quotation marks.

But, again, a very good start to the story. *Please* don't leave the soldierettes lying on the exit ramp. They really need to be played with.

--EL_Refresho

[anonymous]

It's kinda funny you mention that because Jay had apparently sat on that picture for almost a year until he noticed Masteroftoys story. BTW, there's an image link at the top of this thread of a cute soldierette ready to be dollified ;)

Also, to MasterofToys: I'd like to see more detail in the actual transformation. Put yourself in Cindy's shoes: what does she see? Hear?

[masteroftoys]

Thanks, I have part two up. any ideas about what you would to in their position?

[anonymous]

Fantastic story so far, I really hope you keep this up.

-Tapp