Fate Deals Cruelly
Title: Fate Deals Cruelly
Pairing: Minho/Onew and Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: R
Warnings: Angst, cheating.
Summary: Minho can't choose between Onew and Jonghyun.
Word Count: 6,614
Notes: The angst genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by towelettepower. This was written over the course of a day, and by the end I was only half conscious. Keke. Thank god editing is an option, right? So, after a long break between posting these, I have this one done. Feels like it's been on my mind forever, so I am really glad to have it written. I hope you all like. I don't even know what to think, or whether or not I hated Minho by the end <.< /sigh It's okay though. I still love him. I just feel like, wow, he's so flawed and human ;_; P.S. There's only one spot left in the genre challenge, so if anyone wants it ... please feel free to take it. :DDD
Spot For: towelettepower.
Three years ago, Minho met Jinki. They were in college, both working hard to achieve their goals. Minho was excelling in sports, while Jinki excelled more in classes. Minho had always been driven, and that desire to do well carried over into his studies. It was only natural for him to seek help from the nice upperclassman. Jinki was more than accommodating. They started off as friends, becoming close and comfortable easily. Jinki's laid back personality made Minho feel more comfortable with him than he ever had with someone else.
It only felt like a natural progression when two years into their friendship, Minho sealed the feelings he had for the older man. Jinki was willing, although nervous about being with another man. Minho was flabbergasted that he would be Jinki's first, but it only made him feel more possessive.
Jonghyun was like a breath of hot, spicy air. Minho had never thought there was a problem with harmless flirting, but looking back he realized that he should have never started. Once the ride with Jonghyun had started, it had been impossible to get off. Three weeks after their initial meeting, and almost six months into his relationship with Jinki, he had Jonghyun pressed against the wall. Hot breath on his neck, the smaller man's dirty mouth egging him on, making his mind blank. His wanton moans and hard body blocked out thoughts of repercussions. It was already too late to turn back.
It was always difficult for Minho, knowing that he was cheating on Jinki. Eventually it started to feel more and more like he was cheating on both of them. It was easy to balance them in the beginning, especially with things staying so casual with Jonghyun. Minho definitely wasn't going to pursue a relationship, and Jonghyun seemed to enjoy the aloofness and freedom he could have by keeping it casual. Things went on like that for another half a year. It was glorious, wonderful, and terrible all at the same time.
The things Minho got from Jinki and Jonghyun were so completely different that he could never compare them. Whenever he thought of them in unison, it was only to contrast. The way they felt, the way they kissed, how their bodies felt. Their personalities couldn't have been more different. But most of all, the way they made Minho feel. Jinki felt strong, natural, reliable, and comforting. On the other hand, Jonghyun felt hot, needy, passionate, and uncertain.
Minho was stretching himself to the limit, and he didn't even realize how much it was eating away at him inside until one morning it suddenly hit him like a brick in the face. He had to give one of them up. He couldn't keep doing this to them, and he couldn't keep doing it to himself.
That decision changed everything. Suddenly, every kiss, every moment he spent with each of them started to weigh on his mind. When he was cuddling up with Jinki to watch a movie that usually would make him laugh out loud he would think about the weight leaning on his shoulder, the soft hair under his fingers and the slow, calm breaths playing over his skin, tickling his senses. When he was languidly kissing Jonghyun after some of the hottest sex he'd ever had, he would think about how different his lips felt compared to Jinki's. He would wonder what it would be like to actually wake up next to Jonghyun. And when his deep, breathy chuckle met his ears he would smile fondly, but his gut would wrench with the knowledge of his betrayal.
Over and over, all of this added up in his mind, but left him completely lost because by now it would be difficult to let either of them go. The decision seemed to be made for him though. Fate decreed what he should do by presenting Jinki into his life first. They'd known each other three years now, so of course he would be more important. Of course Minho should choose him. What they had was real and Minho knew he'd never have to worry about Jinki's affections being fleeting.
As their one year anniversary came closer, Minho made the decision to end things with Jonghyun. It ripped him apart to think about not having that anymore, to know he wouldn't be able to touch the smaller man's fried hair, kiss his usually parched lips, hear his soothing voice talking to him about nothing important, whispering sinful things into his ear, or singing loudly in the shower.
All in all, it was easier said than done. Minho found himself putting it off over and over. Every time they saw each other he would make it his goal to try and end things before the night was over, preferably before Jonghyun's mouth was attached to his in a demanding kiss. He should have done it sooner. He shouldn't have waited until things got significantly worse.
Generally, Minho was really good at keeping the two separate, never slipping up. It was only natural that it would happen once, but it was the worst possible thing to happen with his and Jinki's anniversary only a week away.
Are you coming over tonight? We could go out if you want.
The text made Minho smile because he was trying to spend more and more time with Jinki, time that would make his decision easier, or maybe following through with it. Another buzz told him he had a text from Jonghyun too. He laughed as he read it.
asshole at work won't stop giving me shit for being shorter than him. told him I'd rather be short than have a tiny dick. from his face i thik i was right. keke
As the two conversations continued via text, Minho was very careful to make sure he didn't mix up the responses. After finalizing his plans with Jinki though, he made the mistake of deciding to send an extra little note to his boyfriends.
I love you, baby
It had been several months since they'd first said those words. That alone should have been enough to make him stop seeing Jonghyun, but it hadn't been, and now he would have to live with his actions. His phone buzzed and he slipped it open, expecting to see Jinki's awkward reply. Somehow he even managed to be shy over text. But Jonghyun's name flashed across the screen and he thought it was odd because they'd stopped talking several minutes ago. His stomach dropped when he opened it, realizing almost immediately what he'd done.
minho? we need to talk.
His hands shook as he checked his sent box and sure enough, there it was. The text he'd meant for Jinki had been sent to Jonghyun instead. He tried to remember how in the world it had happened, but he'd been busy trying to finish up his work so he could get home and get ready for his date with Jinki. Another buzz vibrated in his hand.
i'm coming over after work
Minho let his face slip down to his desk. Fuck. He was screwed. Opening his phone back up, Minho cancelled his plans with Jinki, saying he had a friend call and he needed to help him out. He'd come up with a more detailed explanation later. The only positive he could think of was that maybe Jonghyun would call it quits now and he wouldn't have to. Somehow though, that didn't make him happy at all.
Minho found himself waiting nervously at his apartment. There really wasn't much more he could do than wait for that critical moment when Jonghyun arrived to break things off. It was inevitable. Jonghyun had said himself, when they first started talking, that he wasn't interested in dating someone, that he thought commitment was messy and scary.
The knock at the door felt like an electric shock through him and Minho couldn't push down the sudden sick feeling. He got up and answered the door. Jonghyun's expression was tight and Minho smiled, not even trying to hide his nervousness. Jonghyun moved past him quickly and walked into the living room, stopping by the couch.
Minho followed, stepping up behind him, but leaving several feet between them because he wasn't sure what Jonghyun would do yet. The smaller man turned and took a deep breath as he ran a hand through his hair. "What was that about, Minho?"
"I don't know. It just sort of happened. I hadn't meant to send it." Minho didn't know why he was fighting, why he was still trying to salvage this. He should have just done anything to make Jonghyun leave.
"Did you mean it?" Jonghyun's voice was quiet and Minho wouldn't look up to see his expression.
Pressing his lips together, Minho shrugged. "Yeah, I guess," he did? He did. Fuck, but he did mean it. Why else would it be so hard to let go?
Jonghyun must have been able to tell how nervous he was, because he was suddenly stepping closer. His hands closed around Minho's face, pressing warm palms against his cheeks. They gently pulled his face up, and Minho felt his eyes connect to Jonghyun's. The look he was getting was intense in a way he'd never seen on the other man before, and it was enough to make his body tense with anxiousness. Then Jonghyun's lips were pressing firmly, but gently against his. Minho's hands automatically moved around Jonghyun's waist, and the smaller man's arms moved around his neck. Jonghyun clung tightly onto him as their kiss grew more heated.
Suddenly, Jonghyun broke the kiss and moved his head to rest against Minho's shoulder. His breath was heavy and harsh. "It surprised me when I saw it, but ... I was so happy. I felt like I was on cloud nine all day and no one knew what was wrong with me because I'd been grouching at everyone this morning." Jonghyun chuckled softly as he related the story. Minho just felt like his insides were freezing and shattering, only to come back together again and repeat the process. Then Jonghyun whispered the words that completely broke everything he'd had planned up to that moment, "I love you too."
That night Jonghyun stayed the whole way through. Looking up at Minho, his eyes were full of a new softness, an open vulnerability and happiness that Minho hadn't seen before. It made him hurt inside, so he leaned closer and pressed his face into Jonghyun's neck as their bodies moved together in an intense heat. It was much later, when Minho snuck away to the bathroom, that he got the chance to text Jinki. He explained that he had been helping a friend move since his wife was pregnant and there was no one else free. They worked late into the evening, so they fed him and let him crash on the couch. He hated lying, but it had become something he was used to, something he was getting better and better at. It broke his heart to admit that. As he walked out of the bathroom, he caught his reflection in the mirror and couldn't help but wonder why two so amazing guys wanted to be with him. Couldn't they see what he did? Shouldn't they be able to see how ugly he'd become, how selfish and irresponsible?
The next night, Minho decided to make it up to Jinki by renting a movie, buying some good chicken take out and staying with him the whole evening. They were about halfway through the movie when Jinki snuggled closer and leaned his head on Minho's shoulder. Smiling Minho wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed the top of his head. A lot of times, he was the first one to make a move. It always made him happy though, when Jinki was physically affectionate like that. The recent development made guilt eat away at him inside though, making every good moment bitter sweet.
Jinki's hand moved to press against his chest through his shirt. "Minho?" he said softly as it dropped to his stomach. "You still love me, right?"
Minho felt like a knife stabbed him right through the chest at the question. "What? Of course I do," he responded incredulously. The guilt was consuming him, and he thought maybe Jinki was asking because they hadn't spent as much time together lately, or because Minho had been kind of out of it all night. He wondered if he should apologize, but didn't want to make himself look as guilty as he felt. "You still love me?"
"Yeah," the answer was as soft as the question, but Jinki's hand rubbed against his stomach reassuringly before he pulled away and stood up. "I'm going to get another piece of chicken."
He should have known, should have been able to see it then. But like always, Minho was too wrapped up in himself to see anything outside of his own problems.
The next weekend came like a flash and Minho still didn't know what to do. He was juggling his nights between Jinki and Jonghyun, and now more than ever, he knew it couldn't continue like that. Jonghyun was expecting more than he could give now, and Jinki was obviously affected by his absence. Minho could only hope to make it up on their anniversary. As he sat down across from Jinki at the older man's favorite restaurant, he looked into his dark brown eyes that crinkled cutely when he smiled. He felt his chest clench and he made a new promise, a resolve to end things with Jonghyun. He'd been with Jinki longer. It made sense to do that. What he had with Jonghyun could be nothing more than a fleeting passion, where what he had with Jinki was so real and solid.
They ate and talked about recent happenings, the past, people they knew or had at one point known. They laughed and reminisced until Minho finally brought up the fact that it had been a whole year since they'd become official. He told Jinki he'd been falling for him long before that, and even now a year later, he felt just as strongly and wanted just as much, if not more than he had back then.
Jinki's eyes crinkled as his face split into a big smile. "I want it too," he said, looking down at his plate awkwardly. He was even more nervous about expressing feelings in public than he was in private, but seeing him flustered had always been something Minho was incredibly attracted to. When Jinki looked back up at him, his cheeks were barely flushed. "I love you too," he whispered. And Minho was thrown back into a whirlwind. Outwardly he smiled, but inside he couldn't get those words out of his head. He couldn't remove how Jonghyun's voice sounded in comparison, whispering the same sentiment to him. They both felt so real.
As the night went on, Minho pushed Jonghyun out of his mind as far as he could and tried to focus exclusively on Jinki. Dinner seemed great, and Minho felt even more determined in his plan. He'd always planned to stay with Jinki. Leaving him had never really been an option. It was just that Jonghyun kept getting in the way. He kept stopping Minho from being able to be faithful and completely focused on the one he was supposed to be with.
When they got back to Jinki's place, Minho felt a lot more relaxed somehow. Being there made him feel sort of like he could block out the world. After getting in the door, a text from Jonghyun almost snapped him out of the delusional bubble he'd built around his mind.
what r u up to tonight?
Minho sent a swift reply before shutting his phone and turning it to silent.
Working. Really busy. Won't be done until late.
Stuffing his phone in his pocket, Minho turned his attention back to Jinki, who was peering at him curiously from the living room. Minho shook his head and said softly, "Work."
Stepping closer to Jinki, he added, "But don't worry. I'm not going anywhere tonight."
Smiling in response, Jinki closed the distance between them and reached out for Minho's face, pulling him close to kiss him deeply. Minho felt himself easily melt into the sweetness that was Jinki. It felt so safe and familiar to him. Sighing, Minho leaned into him as much as he could without knocking the older man over. Jinki's arms moved around him and they stayed like that for a while, just kissing.
"I'm glad," Jinki finally whispered, pulling back. "They can't have you tonight," he added, looking incredibly cute in the way he poked his lips out. His hands tightened around Minho's shirt before pulling him close again for another long kiss.
Reaching down, Minho grabbed Jinki's wrist and pulled him over to the couch to sit down. He then resumed the kissing, moving his hand to press against Jinki's stomach through his shirt. Jinki leaned into him and made a soft noise as his tongue pushed into his mouth. Jinki's hands were pushing up his shirt, pressing firmly against the skin of his back.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and Minho sighed a little. Really? Now? "Who could be visiting you?" he asked and Jinki shrugged in response.
"Maybe a neighbor or something," he trailed off as he stood up. "I really have no idea," he added with one of those eye crinkling smiles. "I'll check and see."
Leaning back on the couch, Minho sighed and pressed his hands against his thighs. His eyes unfocused at some point across the room as his mind drifted back to Jonghyun. He checked his phone, but there weren't any new messages from him. He must have been trying to be considerate, or maybe he was busy too. Minho heard the door open and Jinki's voice asking, "Can I help you?"
There was a moment of silence and then Minho heard his own name, "Is Minho here?"
He felt a weight fall dead into the center of his stomach. Fuck. No fucking way. Shooting up, Minho didn't do much more than hover by the couch, his ears straining to hear what he couldn't see.
"Yeah, how did you ... who are you?" Jinki's voice sounded confused and Minho momentarily wondered if he could escape out the window. But that wouldn't fix anything. That wouldn't change what was about to happen. All he could hope was that he was terribly wrong about the voice or that somehow they wouldn't know what was going on.
The sound of shuffling and then Jinki's surprised noise made it obvious that the visitor was trying to barge in. Then he was rushing into the living room, breath heavy, chest heaving, eyes trained intensely onto Minho’s face. Large eyebrows pulled down as those normally big brown eyes narrowed to almost slits. Then they widened again and tears started falling down his face like big buckets had been tipped over into them.
"I thought," he wheezed before covering his face with his hands and taking a deep shaky breath. Jinki slowly walked in, staring at Jonghyun warily. "I hoped it wasn't true. You fucking asshole."
Jonghyun was moving closer, hands knotting into fists around his shirt. Honestly, Minho had been sure he was about to get hit, but Jonghyun only stared at him with those big, broken eyes. Jinki stepped forward quickly and grabbed Jonghyun's shoulder. "Okay, I think you need to calm down or leave."
Jonghyun swatted his hand aside before rounding on the unsuspecting man. "You! How blind are you? How long have you two been together? No. I was blind too. I should have known," his voice broke slightly and Minho felt his heart sink. It was all over. Jonghyun took a deep, steadying breath and looked as if he was ready to continue. Minho didn't know whether he wanted to comfort or shut him up more. He just wanted the pain to go away, and for him to stop talking before he ruined everything. But he was rooted. He couldn't speak, let alone move to stop what was happening. It was like karma was finally coming back to smack him in the face. "I should have known it wasn't real. Did you know? Did you know a week ago, your boyfriend here told me he loved me?" his question came out almost shrill and Minho wanted to cover his ears and hide. He'd never seen Jonghyun like this. Sure, he was easily emotional. Minho had seen him cry many times, but not like this.
Jinki's wide eyes moved from a frantically gesturing Jonghyun to his shocked boyfriend. He swallowed visibly and stepped closer to Jonghyun. "What? What are you saying?"
Walking closer to Jinki, Jonghyun pulled out his phone and shoved it into his face. "You deserve to know. We both deserve to know," he added in a deadly, quiet voice. He hadn't looked back at Minho once since turning away. Minho couldn't see what he was showing him, but he knew Jonghyun could have glorious amounts of evidence on his phone, from texts to pictures, even videos maybe. Jinki looked from the phone to the floor, where his eyes seemed to lock in place.
Jonghyun took a deep, shaky breath before saying, "I'm sorry. Jinki was it? I'm really sorry I came barging in here like that. Excuse me," with that, Jonghyun weaved around the taller man and headed for the front door. Minho heard it open and close swiftly, but it wasn't a slam. It almost hurt more that it wasn’t. He didn't relax at all though, eyes locked onto Jinki's turned down face, trying to see something, anything that would tell him how his boyfriend was taking it.
"Get out," the deep, serious tone made goose bumps pop up all over his skin. It wasn't a voice he'd heard Jinki use much at all in the time they'd known each other. It scared him. It made him realize just how bad this was, just how much he'd fucked up.
"Baby, please," a step closer to Jinki was the first thing he'd managed to do since he saw Jonghyun walk into the room.
"Don't. Just go," Jinki's voice sounded weak and teetering on the edge of emotion. Minho didn't like seeing him this way, but he didn't know what else to do. So he left.
Everything felt like it was spiraling down into shit. For the next several days, Minho only did what he had to for work robotically. Then he'd go home and crash. Pretty soon he realized he couldn't go on like that. Then, the desperation hit. He hadn't heard anything from Jinki or Jonghyun since that night. Now he felt like he had to see them again, one of them, either of them. He started texting and calling, but nothing was answered. They were both ignoring him. He felt too scared to search them out in person yet, knowing if they were ignoring him then they didn't want to be found.
A week went by like that, and then a few more days, and finally on his last attempt with each before he swore he'd go to sleep, the phone clicked and a tired voice answered, "Yeah?"
"You answered," Minho said, shocked. He'd been expecting to not get an answer, so he didn't have anything in mind to say. He had thought about it over and over, but everything he'd thought about saying to the other man seemed so out of reach now.
"I did. What do you want?"
"I miss you. I was so stupid. I don't know how to fix this," Minho's voice almost broke, his emotions coming out finally, all the uncertainty and desperation feeling like it was going to drown him.
"You can't, Minho," there was a loud sigh. "You can't fix it. It's been broken from the very start."
"I'm sorry."
"It doesn't do any good to say that now."
"I want to see you. Please, can we just talk about it? Just let me talk to you. You didn't give me a chance to explain or defend myself. Shouldn't I get that much?"
There was a long stretch of silence and then Minho swore he heard a sniffle and a restrained whimper, as if he was trying not to cry, before there was a shuffling and then another sigh. "Okay. Meet me after work tomorrow. If you're not there before my bus, then I'm not waiting for you. It's your only chance."
Then he hung up. Minho released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. A chance. He still had a chance.
The next day, Minho left work really early. He showered, put on some clothes he knew the other liked, and made sure he looked really good. He knew it wouldn't make everything okay, but he hoped it would help.
Just like he promised, he was waiting at the bus stop. Minho felt his heart leap and it almost surprised him how desperate he felt right then. Walking closer, he took a seat on the bench. Two big brown eyes moved to look at him and Minho felt the ability to speak suddenly vanish. They stared at each other for a long moment before Jonghyun sighed and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.
"Minho. What do you want from me? I wasn't even your boyfriend. I was your dirty secret.” there was a short pause and then in a quieter voice, “That message wasn't even for me, was it? Thinking back on it, it seems so obvious now, especially with your reaction. I feel so stupid," he bit his trembling lower lip, trying to hold back the emotion as his eyes watered slightly. He reached up to brush them, but Minho was faster, gently rubbing his thumb over the wet lashes. Jonghyun stared at him in surprise.
"I meant it though. I didn't mean to, but I did fall in love with you. I didn't mean to say it, that's true, but when I said it later, every time after that, I meant it."
Jonghyun looked away, pressing his lips together in what Minho recognized easily as an attempt to hold himself back from crying. Jonghyun was such a mess, but Minho really liked that. He was so wildly attracted to those explosive, uncontrollable emotions Jonghyun had.
The older man didn't speak, but when the bus pulled up, he waved for the driver to go on without him. Minho took this as a good sign and started talking again. "I never meant for us to happen. I was dating Jinki for half a year when I met you. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't control myself around you. I wanted you so much. There were so many times I wished I‘d been single when we met, that I could have devoted myself completely to you. But then I felt so guilty. I kept meaning to do something, to stop, but I couldn't. Then I realized I loved you and that made things so much more difficult. How did you ... how did you know I was with Jinki?"
Jonghyun looked back at him and then down at his hands clasped in front of him. "A while back someone asked me if I was your boyfriend, that they heard our one year anniversary was coming up. I shrugged it off even though I thought it was kind of weird. I trusted you not to be the sort of person who would cheat on his boyfriend though, so I figured it was them who was confused. Maybe they misheard, or got their gossip mixed up. It didn't bother me, but it should have made me more aware of what was going on than it did," he laughed incredulously at himself before continuing, "Then, I saw you at dinner with Jinki. It was obvious you were together. I didn't need anyone to tell me that. I heard you say his name, say that you were happy to be with him or something. Something about loving him. I couldn't help but listen. It fucking killed me to sit there and hear it all. After a few minutes though, I snuck back outside. I wanted to pretend like I hadn't seen you, that it was someone else, that it wasn't real. Anything that could give me back what I had thought was mine. But it was gone. I'm sorry if I ended up giving him the same pain I had, but I don’t feel sorry for telling him. I couldn't let you get away with using us. It wasn't fair. It made me feel so stupid and worthless."
Minho looked down to see Jonghyun's hands shaking and he reached down to hold them. They were cold. Minho wondered if Jonghyun had been this cold that night, when he was waiting outside while they had their anniversary dinner. It made him feel sick with guilt. Jonghyun didn't pull away from his touch, but he didn't do anything to reciprocate the gesture.
"I didn't want to hurt you. Or make you feel stupid or worthless. I definitely don't think you're either of those. I always meant to end it, but I couldn't let you go."
"Because you fell in love with me?" Jonghyun's question sounded a little cold and skeptical, but Minho nodded firmly.
"Yes, I still do. I love you, Jonghyun."
Those words made the older man turn his head to look at him. His eyes stared right into Minho's, and that vulnerability was back full force. It made Minho want to hold him in his arms right then, but Jonghyun's question made thoughts of that freeze. "Do you love him too?"
Minho nodded just slightly, somehow finding it impossible to lie with Jonghyun looking at him so intensely. It felt too wrong to even think about lying to him anymore. He just couldn't.
Jonghyun bit his lower lip hard enough that when he released it, there were evident marks from his teeth. "Do you love him as much as you love me?"
A dark fog seemed to settle over Minho's brain and he found it difficult to think of an appropriate answer. He could lie. He could try and explain more, but the extended silence seemed to be more than enough for Jonghyun, who finally pulled his hand away and stood up.
"I guess that's it then," he said, his voice only shaking a little. He then turned and looked right at Minho. Despite being only a couple inches out of reach, he suddenly looked miles away and Minho felt like his world was crumbling in front of him. The wetness in Jonghyun's eyes caught the sunlight, and Minho suddenly thought that he'd never looked more beautiful. Minho had never wanted, needed, him more than he did now. Now that he'd lost him.
"I won't settle," Jonghyun added, taking a deep breath. "I wanted all of you. I can't be with you knowing that you want someone else, that you could possibly still have something with that other person. Maybe even something we couldn't have, something I couldn't ever give you. I don't want to feel like there's something missing when we're together. So, I'm going to walk away." it was almost like he was also reassuring himself. "I told you commitments were messy, that I didn't want a relation..." his voice broke then and he turned and took a couple steps away. "Goodbye, Minho," he added after he could speak level again. Minho hated how firm it sounded, how absolute.
"Goodbye," he whispered, long after Jonghyun had already walked away. He hadn't really wanted to say it. Not ever.
It was only a matter of time, a little over a day to be exact, that Minho decided to go to Jinki. He still wouldn't answer his phone, and Minho felt worried enough that he at least wanted to know he was okay. Once again, he'd gotten himself together to go see what would happen. Although a little more defeated and less worried about making sure he looked impeccable. He was braced for rejection, even expecting it. But he was desperate for something else. He needed Jinki. He couldn't be alone. But he was terrified that he would have to be. Jinki deserved better. That was certain.
The trip over there felt like a long drive to the gallows. Then he was standing at the door, his face set in a grim frown. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. There was no immediate answer and Minho wondered if maybe he wasn't there. It was getting on into the evening, so he shouldn't be out too much later. Minho had expected him to be there, unless he wasn't coming home that night.
Then there was bang that sounded like someone being clumsy as they stumbled toward the door. Minho felt his stomach flip with nervousness and he stooped low enough that Jinki wouldn't be able to see who was there through the peep hole. He heard Jinki at the door, but it was a few minutes before he said anything.
"Who's there?"
Minho didn't know whether or not he should respond, whether or not Jinki would let him in. After another minute Jinki sighed and Minho heard the sound of the lock. His heart leapt with hope. And then the door was opening and he saw Jinki's face. His heart plummeted again.
In all the time they'd known each other, Minho had never seen Jinki look so tired, so broken. Jinki's eyes widened when he saw Minho and he tried to shut the door back, but Minho was too quick. Using his forearm to stop it before it closed, Minho pushed it back open. Jinki seemed to give up trying though, as soon as Minho showed resistance. Minho stepped in and Jinki turned and walked further into the apartment. Minho shut the door and followed him, his eyes locked onto the older man's slumped figure.
Minho looked around, seeing the room was a mess, more so than he'd ever seen Jinki's place. It killed him to know that he was the reason, that he had hurt Jinki this much. "Jinki," he tried softly, after the older man stopped walking and stayed motionless and silent, facing the other direction. His voice seemed to trigger something in Jinki though and his body suddenly jerked, and he fell to his knees.
Cradling his face in his hands, Jinki's body rocked with sobs that he wasn't even trying to contain. Minho stared at him in shock, because he'd never seen the older man like this. He was always so calm, so put together. Moving forward quickly, Minho wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close, cradling the older man against his chest.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered over and over into Jinki's hair, holding him tightly, wanting to make all of it go away. Jinki just kept crying though, for what felt like an eternity. Minho wouldn't let him go though, no matter how long it took. He swore that much. Unless Jinki made him, he wasn't going to let go.
Finally, Jinki calmed down a little. He sniffled and moved his arm to wipe his sleeve across his face. "I knew it. All along, I knew something was going on. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew."
The roughness of his voice made Minho want to jump up and grab him a water, but he was too afraid that if he let go, he'd never be able to catch hold of him again. "It shouldn't have ever happened. I didn't mean for it to. I ... there's no excuse that could make up for it," he trailed off. Squeezing his eyes shut, Minho tried to block out the pain he'd caused, tried to work out a way to make it right. But there wasn't a way anymore.
"I just feel like, why couldn't you be happy with me? What did he have that I couldn't give you?" Jinki pulled back to look at him and Minho felt everything inside of him knot up with fear.
"I never felt like there was something wrong with you, Jinki. I don't know why it happened the way it did. I should have stopped it. I was so stupid, and then I was so entangled in it that I couldn't get out. I wanted to. I told myself over and over that I would do it, but I couldn't. I ... I never meant to send him that text," he whispered, figuring that might have been what Jonghyun had showed him. "It was meant for you."
Jinki sat there for a while, just staring at him. His hands tightened against Minho's arms, squeezing his jacket tightly in his fists. "Have you spoken to him since?"
Minho nodded slowly and Jinki frowned, deep lines forming in his features. "Why did you go to him first?"
"I was scared," Minho said softly. "I was more afraid of facing you, afraid that I wouldn't be able to fix us."
Nodding, Jinki chewed on his lip for a moment before asking, "Do you love him?"
Everything inside of Minho screamed in opposition. Fear and guilt weighed heavily, but the answer left his lips before he could think, "No." he was scared, too afraid of losing both of them, so he said what he had to. He wasn't willing to let Jinki go, not if he could save them, not if he still had a chance. Besides, what did it matter if he loved Jonghyun now? He was gone. Jinki was all that was left now. "Not like I love you," he added, voice soft and quiet.
The older man looked at him for a while before nodding slowly, and Minho wasn't sure if he completely believed it or not, but he seemed to accept it.
"I just want things to be the way they were before. Just us," Minho added, hopeful, desperate.
"Me too," Jinki's voice was a bare whisper, but it was all Minho needed for his hope to soar. He held Jinki a little tighter and kissed the top of his head.
"It can be. Please believe me. I don't deserve it, but please. I need you."
Maybe because they were both afraid of being alone, maybe because Jinki felt the same way, he accepted the apology. Slowly, he came around and they tried to piece back together what was left, while simultaneously trying to build onto it. For the most part, they ignored what happened. Jonghyun wasn't ever mentioned, nor was the fact that Minho had cheated. It was like it had never happened. Minho stayed faithful, eager to prove that he wasn't going to stray. He stuck close to Jinki, closer than he had since they'd first started dating. Jinki had reverted right back to square one, uncomfortable and awkward around him, and it took everything Minho had to slowly try and pry him back open again. Slowly, much more so than before, he grew comfortable again. They even started to laugh, kiss just for the sake of it, and those three words became less nervous and more comfortable when spoken. After a while, things felt normal again, the way they had before Minho had met Jonghyun in the first place. But every time he lay awake in the dead of night, Jinki sleeping soundly next to him, he would remember, and it always felt like something was missing.
Pairing: Minho/Onew and Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: R
Warnings: Angst, cheating.
Summary: Minho can't choose between Onew and Jonghyun.
Word Count: 6,614
Notes: The angst genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by towelettepower. This was written over the course of a day, and by the end I was only half conscious. Keke. Thank god editing is an option, right? So, after a long break between posting these, I have this one done. Feels like it's been on my mind forever, so I am really glad to have it written. I hope you all like. I don't even know what to think, or whether or not I hated Minho by the end <.< /sigh It's okay though. I still love him. I just feel like, wow, he's so flawed and human ;_; P.S. There's only one spot left in the genre challenge, so if anyone wants it ... please feel free to take it. :DDD
Spot For: towelettepower.
Three years ago, Minho met Jinki. They were in college, both working hard to achieve their goals. Minho was excelling in sports, while Jinki excelled more in classes. Minho had always been driven, and that desire to do well carried over into his studies. It was only natural for him to seek help from the nice upperclassman. Jinki was more than accommodating. They started off as friends, becoming close and comfortable easily. Jinki's laid back personality made Minho feel more comfortable with him than he ever had with someone else.
It only felt like a natural progression when two years into their friendship, Minho sealed the feelings he had for the older man. Jinki was willing, although nervous about being with another man. Minho was flabbergasted that he would be Jinki's first, but it only made him feel more possessive.
Jonghyun was like a breath of hot, spicy air. Minho had never thought there was a problem with harmless flirting, but looking back he realized that he should have never started. Once the ride with Jonghyun had started, it had been impossible to get off. Three weeks after their initial meeting, and almost six months into his relationship with Jinki, he had Jonghyun pressed against the wall. Hot breath on his neck, the smaller man's dirty mouth egging him on, making his mind blank. His wanton moans and hard body blocked out thoughts of repercussions. It was already too late to turn back.
It was always difficult for Minho, knowing that he was cheating on Jinki. Eventually it started to feel more and more like he was cheating on both of them. It was easy to balance them in the beginning, especially with things staying so casual with Jonghyun. Minho definitely wasn't going to pursue a relationship, and Jonghyun seemed to enjoy the aloofness and freedom he could have by keeping it casual. Things went on like that for another half a year. It was glorious, wonderful, and terrible all at the same time.
The things Minho got from Jinki and Jonghyun were so completely different that he could never compare them. Whenever he thought of them in unison, it was only to contrast. The way they felt, the way they kissed, how their bodies felt. Their personalities couldn't have been more different. But most of all, the way they made Minho feel. Jinki felt strong, natural, reliable, and comforting. On the other hand, Jonghyun felt hot, needy, passionate, and uncertain.
Minho was stretching himself to the limit, and he didn't even realize how much it was eating away at him inside until one morning it suddenly hit him like a brick in the face. He had to give one of them up. He couldn't keep doing this to them, and he couldn't keep doing it to himself.
That decision changed everything. Suddenly, every kiss, every moment he spent with each of them started to weigh on his mind. When he was cuddling up with Jinki to watch a movie that usually would make him laugh out loud he would think about the weight leaning on his shoulder, the soft hair under his fingers and the slow, calm breaths playing over his skin, tickling his senses. When he was languidly kissing Jonghyun after some of the hottest sex he'd ever had, he would think about how different his lips felt compared to Jinki's. He would wonder what it would be like to actually wake up next to Jonghyun. And when his deep, breathy chuckle met his ears he would smile fondly, but his gut would wrench with the knowledge of his betrayal.
Over and over, all of this added up in his mind, but left him completely lost because by now it would be difficult to let either of them go. The decision seemed to be made for him though. Fate decreed what he should do by presenting Jinki into his life first. They'd known each other three years now, so of course he would be more important. Of course Minho should choose him. What they had was real and Minho knew he'd never have to worry about Jinki's affections being fleeting.
As their one year anniversary came closer, Minho made the decision to end things with Jonghyun. It ripped him apart to think about not having that anymore, to know he wouldn't be able to touch the smaller man's fried hair, kiss his usually parched lips, hear his soothing voice talking to him about nothing important, whispering sinful things into his ear, or singing loudly in the shower.
All in all, it was easier said than done. Minho found himself putting it off over and over. Every time they saw each other he would make it his goal to try and end things before the night was over, preferably before Jonghyun's mouth was attached to his in a demanding kiss. He should have done it sooner. He shouldn't have waited until things got significantly worse.
Generally, Minho was really good at keeping the two separate, never slipping up. It was only natural that it would happen once, but it was the worst possible thing to happen with his and Jinki's anniversary only a week away.
Are you coming over tonight? We could go out if you want.
The text made Minho smile because he was trying to spend more and more time with Jinki, time that would make his decision easier, or maybe following through with it. Another buzz told him he had a text from Jonghyun too. He laughed as he read it.
asshole at work won't stop giving me shit for being shorter than him. told him I'd rather be short than have a tiny dick. from his face i thik i was right. keke
As the two conversations continued via text, Minho was very careful to make sure he didn't mix up the responses. After finalizing his plans with Jinki though, he made the mistake of deciding to send an extra little note to his boyfriends.
I love you, baby
It had been several months since they'd first said those words. That alone should have been enough to make him stop seeing Jonghyun, but it hadn't been, and now he would have to live with his actions. His phone buzzed and he slipped it open, expecting to see Jinki's awkward reply. Somehow he even managed to be shy over text. But Jonghyun's name flashed across the screen and he thought it was odd because they'd stopped talking several minutes ago. His stomach dropped when he opened it, realizing almost immediately what he'd done.
minho? we need to talk.
His hands shook as he checked his sent box and sure enough, there it was. The text he'd meant for Jinki had been sent to Jonghyun instead. He tried to remember how in the world it had happened, but he'd been busy trying to finish up his work so he could get home and get ready for his date with Jinki. Another buzz vibrated in his hand.
i'm coming over after work
Minho let his face slip down to his desk. Fuck. He was screwed. Opening his phone back up, Minho cancelled his plans with Jinki, saying he had a friend call and he needed to help him out. He'd come up with a more detailed explanation later. The only positive he could think of was that maybe Jonghyun would call it quits now and he wouldn't have to. Somehow though, that didn't make him happy at all.
Minho found himself waiting nervously at his apartment. There really wasn't much more he could do than wait for that critical moment when Jonghyun arrived to break things off. It was inevitable. Jonghyun had said himself, when they first started talking, that he wasn't interested in dating someone, that he thought commitment was messy and scary.
The knock at the door felt like an electric shock through him and Minho couldn't push down the sudden sick feeling. He got up and answered the door. Jonghyun's expression was tight and Minho smiled, not even trying to hide his nervousness. Jonghyun moved past him quickly and walked into the living room, stopping by the couch.
Minho followed, stepping up behind him, but leaving several feet between them because he wasn't sure what Jonghyun would do yet. The smaller man turned and took a deep breath as he ran a hand through his hair. "What was that about, Minho?"
"I don't know. It just sort of happened. I hadn't meant to send it." Minho didn't know why he was fighting, why he was still trying to salvage this. He should have just done anything to make Jonghyun leave.
"Did you mean it?" Jonghyun's voice was quiet and Minho wouldn't look up to see his expression.
Pressing his lips together, Minho shrugged. "Yeah, I guess," he did? He did. Fuck, but he did mean it. Why else would it be so hard to let go?
Jonghyun must have been able to tell how nervous he was, because he was suddenly stepping closer. His hands closed around Minho's face, pressing warm palms against his cheeks. They gently pulled his face up, and Minho felt his eyes connect to Jonghyun's. The look he was getting was intense in a way he'd never seen on the other man before, and it was enough to make his body tense with anxiousness. Then Jonghyun's lips were pressing firmly, but gently against his. Minho's hands automatically moved around Jonghyun's waist, and the smaller man's arms moved around his neck. Jonghyun clung tightly onto him as their kiss grew more heated.
Suddenly, Jonghyun broke the kiss and moved his head to rest against Minho's shoulder. His breath was heavy and harsh. "It surprised me when I saw it, but ... I was so happy. I felt like I was on cloud nine all day and no one knew what was wrong with me because I'd been grouching at everyone this morning." Jonghyun chuckled softly as he related the story. Minho just felt like his insides were freezing and shattering, only to come back together again and repeat the process. Then Jonghyun whispered the words that completely broke everything he'd had planned up to that moment, "I love you too."
That night Jonghyun stayed the whole way through. Looking up at Minho, his eyes were full of a new softness, an open vulnerability and happiness that Minho hadn't seen before. It made him hurt inside, so he leaned closer and pressed his face into Jonghyun's neck as their bodies moved together in an intense heat. It was much later, when Minho snuck away to the bathroom, that he got the chance to text Jinki. He explained that he had been helping a friend move since his wife was pregnant and there was no one else free. They worked late into the evening, so they fed him and let him crash on the couch. He hated lying, but it had become something he was used to, something he was getting better and better at. It broke his heart to admit that. As he walked out of the bathroom, he caught his reflection in the mirror and couldn't help but wonder why two so amazing guys wanted to be with him. Couldn't they see what he did? Shouldn't they be able to see how ugly he'd become, how selfish and irresponsible?
The next night, Minho decided to make it up to Jinki by renting a movie, buying some good chicken take out and staying with him the whole evening. They were about halfway through the movie when Jinki snuggled closer and leaned his head on Minho's shoulder. Smiling Minho wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed the top of his head. A lot of times, he was the first one to make a move. It always made him happy though, when Jinki was physically affectionate like that. The recent development made guilt eat away at him inside though, making every good moment bitter sweet.
Jinki's hand moved to press against his chest through his shirt. "Minho?" he said softly as it dropped to his stomach. "You still love me, right?"
Minho felt like a knife stabbed him right through the chest at the question. "What? Of course I do," he responded incredulously. The guilt was consuming him, and he thought maybe Jinki was asking because they hadn't spent as much time together lately, or because Minho had been kind of out of it all night. He wondered if he should apologize, but didn't want to make himself look as guilty as he felt. "You still love me?"
"Yeah," the answer was as soft as the question, but Jinki's hand rubbed against his stomach reassuringly before he pulled away and stood up. "I'm going to get another piece of chicken."
He should have known, should have been able to see it then. But like always, Minho was too wrapped up in himself to see anything outside of his own problems.
The next weekend came like a flash and Minho still didn't know what to do. He was juggling his nights between Jinki and Jonghyun, and now more than ever, he knew it couldn't continue like that. Jonghyun was expecting more than he could give now, and Jinki was obviously affected by his absence. Minho could only hope to make it up on their anniversary. As he sat down across from Jinki at the older man's favorite restaurant, he looked into his dark brown eyes that crinkled cutely when he smiled. He felt his chest clench and he made a new promise, a resolve to end things with Jonghyun. He'd been with Jinki longer. It made sense to do that. What he had with Jonghyun could be nothing more than a fleeting passion, where what he had with Jinki was so real and solid.
They ate and talked about recent happenings, the past, people they knew or had at one point known. They laughed and reminisced until Minho finally brought up the fact that it had been a whole year since they'd become official. He told Jinki he'd been falling for him long before that, and even now a year later, he felt just as strongly and wanted just as much, if not more than he had back then.
Jinki's eyes crinkled as his face split into a big smile. "I want it too," he said, looking down at his plate awkwardly. He was even more nervous about expressing feelings in public than he was in private, but seeing him flustered had always been something Minho was incredibly attracted to. When Jinki looked back up at him, his cheeks were barely flushed. "I love you too," he whispered. And Minho was thrown back into a whirlwind. Outwardly he smiled, but inside he couldn't get those words out of his head. He couldn't remove how Jonghyun's voice sounded in comparison, whispering the same sentiment to him. They both felt so real.
As the night went on, Minho pushed Jonghyun out of his mind as far as he could and tried to focus exclusively on Jinki. Dinner seemed great, and Minho felt even more determined in his plan. He'd always planned to stay with Jinki. Leaving him had never really been an option. It was just that Jonghyun kept getting in the way. He kept stopping Minho from being able to be faithful and completely focused on the one he was supposed to be with.
When they got back to Jinki's place, Minho felt a lot more relaxed somehow. Being there made him feel sort of like he could block out the world. After getting in the door, a text from Jonghyun almost snapped him out of the delusional bubble he'd built around his mind.
what r u up to tonight?
Minho sent a swift reply before shutting his phone and turning it to silent.
Working. Really busy. Won't be done until late.
Stuffing his phone in his pocket, Minho turned his attention back to Jinki, who was peering at him curiously from the living room. Minho shook his head and said softly, "Work."
Stepping closer to Jinki, he added, "But don't worry. I'm not going anywhere tonight."
Smiling in response, Jinki closed the distance between them and reached out for Minho's face, pulling him close to kiss him deeply. Minho felt himself easily melt into the sweetness that was Jinki. It felt so safe and familiar to him. Sighing, Minho leaned into him as much as he could without knocking the older man over. Jinki's arms moved around him and they stayed like that for a while, just kissing.
"I'm glad," Jinki finally whispered, pulling back. "They can't have you tonight," he added, looking incredibly cute in the way he poked his lips out. His hands tightened around Minho's shirt before pulling him close again for another long kiss.
Reaching down, Minho grabbed Jinki's wrist and pulled him over to the couch to sit down. He then resumed the kissing, moving his hand to press against Jinki's stomach through his shirt. Jinki leaned into him and made a soft noise as his tongue pushed into his mouth. Jinki's hands were pushing up his shirt, pressing firmly against the skin of his back.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and Minho sighed a little. Really? Now? "Who could be visiting you?" he asked and Jinki shrugged in response.
"Maybe a neighbor or something," he trailed off as he stood up. "I really have no idea," he added with one of those eye crinkling smiles. "I'll check and see."
Leaning back on the couch, Minho sighed and pressed his hands against his thighs. His eyes unfocused at some point across the room as his mind drifted back to Jonghyun. He checked his phone, but there weren't any new messages from him. He must have been trying to be considerate, or maybe he was busy too. Minho heard the door open and Jinki's voice asking, "Can I help you?"
There was a moment of silence and then Minho heard his own name, "Is Minho here?"
He felt a weight fall dead into the center of his stomach. Fuck. No fucking way. Shooting up, Minho didn't do much more than hover by the couch, his ears straining to hear what he couldn't see.
"Yeah, how did you ... who are you?" Jinki's voice sounded confused and Minho momentarily wondered if he could escape out the window. But that wouldn't fix anything. That wouldn't change what was about to happen. All he could hope was that he was terribly wrong about the voice or that somehow they wouldn't know what was going on.
The sound of shuffling and then Jinki's surprised noise made it obvious that the visitor was trying to barge in. Then he was rushing into the living room, breath heavy, chest heaving, eyes trained intensely onto Minho’s face. Large eyebrows pulled down as those normally big brown eyes narrowed to almost slits. Then they widened again and tears started falling down his face like big buckets had been tipped over into them.
"I thought," he wheezed before covering his face with his hands and taking a deep shaky breath. Jinki slowly walked in, staring at Jonghyun warily. "I hoped it wasn't true. You fucking asshole."
Jonghyun was moving closer, hands knotting into fists around his shirt. Honestly, Minho had been sure he was about to get hit, but Jonghyun only stared at him with those big, broken eyes. Jinki stepped forward quickly and grabbed Jonghyun's shoulder. "Okay, I think you need to calm down or leave."
Jonghyun swatted his hand aside before rounding on the unsuspecting man. "You! How blind are you? How long have you two been together? No. I was blind too. I should have known," his voice broke slightly and Minho felt his heart sink. It was all over. Jonghyun took a deep, steadying breath and looked as if he was ready to continue. Minho didn't know whether he wanted to comfort or shut him up more. He just wanted the pain to go away, and for him to stop talking before he ruined everything. But he was rooted. He couldn't speak, let alone move to stop what was happening. It was like karma was finally coming back to smack him in the face. "I should have known it wasn't real. Did you know? Did you know a week ago, your boyfriend here told me he loved me?" his question came out almost shrill and Minho wanted to cover his ears and hide. He'd never seen Jonghyun like this. Sure, he was easily emotional. Minho had seen him cry many times, but not like this.
Jinki's wide eyes moved from a frantically gesturing Jonghyun to his shocked boyfriend. He swallowed visibly and stepped closer to Jonghyun. "What? What are you saying?"
Walking closer to Jinki, Jonghyun pulled out his phone and shoved it into his face. "You deserve to know. We both deserve to know," he added in a deadly, quiet voice. He hadn't looked back at Minho once since turning away. Minho couldn't see what he was showing him, but he knew Jonghyun could have glorious amounts of evidence on his phone, from texts to pictures, even videos maybe. Jinki looked from the phone to the floor, where his eyes seemed to lock in place.
Jonghyun took a deep, shaky breath before saying, "I'm sorry. Jinki was it? I'm really sorry I came barging in here like that. Excuse me," with that, Jonghyun weaved around the taller man and headed for the front door. Minho heard it open and close swiftly, but it wasn't a slam. It almost hurt more that it wasn’t. He didn't relax at all though, eyes locked onto Jinki's turned down face, trying to see something, anything that would tell him how his boyfriend was taking it.
"Get out," the deep, serious tone made goose bumps pop up all over his skin. It wasn't a voice he'd heard Jinki use much at all in the time they'd known each other. It scared him. It made him realize just how bad this was, just how much he'd fucked up.
"Baby, please," a step closer to Jinki was the first thing he'd managed to do since he saw Jonghyun walk into the room.
"Don't. Just go," Jinki's voice sounded weak and teetering on the edge of emotion. Minho didn't like seeing him this way, but he didn't know what else to do. So he left.
Everything felt like it was spiraling down into shit. For the next several days, Minho only did what he had to for work robotically. Then he'd go home and crash. Pretty soon he realized he couldn't go on like that. Then, the desperation hit. He hadn't heard anything from Jinki or Jonghyun since that night. Now he felt like he had to see them again, one of them, either of them. He started texting and calling, but nothing was answered. They were both ignoring him. He felt too scared to search them out in person yet, knowing if they were ignoring him then they didn't want to be found.
A week went by like that, and then a few more days, and finally on his last attempt with each before he swore he'd go to sleep, the phone clicked and a tired voice answered, "Yeah?"
"You answered," Minho said, shocked. He'd been expecting to not get an answer, so he didn't have anything in mind to say. He had thought about it over and over, but everything he'd thought about saying to the other man seemed so out of reach now.
"I did. What do you want?"
"I miss you. I was so stupid. I don't know how to fix this," Minho's voice almost broke, his emotions coming out finally, all the uncertainty and desperation feeling like it was going to drown him.
"You can't, Minho," there was a loud sigh. "You can't fix it. It's been broken from the very start."
"I'm sorry."
"It doesn't do any good to say that now."
"I want to see you. Please, can we just talk about it? Just let me talk to you. You didn't give me a chance to explain or defend myself. Shouldn't I get that much?"
There was a long stretch of silence and then Minho swore he heard a sniffle and a restrained whimper, as if he was trying not to cry, before there was a shuffling and then another sigh. "Okay. Meet me after work tomorrow. If you're not there before my bus, then I'm not waiting for you. It's your only chance."
Then he hung up. Minho released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. A chance. He still had a chance.
The next day, Minho left work really early. He showered, put on some clothes he knew the other liked, and made sure he looked really good. He knew it wouldn't make everything okay, but he hoped it would help.
Just like he promised, he was waiting at the bus stop. Minho felt his heart leap and it almost surprised him how desperate he felt right then. Walking closer, he took a seat on the bench. Two big brown eyes moved to look at him and Minho felt the ability to speak suddenly vanish. They stared at each other for a long moment before Jonghyun sighed and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.
"Minho. What do you want from me? I wasn't even your boyfriend. I was your dirty secret.” there was a short pause and then in a quieter voice, “That message wasn't even for me, was it? Thinking back on it, it seems so obvious now, especially with your reaction. I feel so stupid," he bit his trembling lower lip, trying to hold back the emotion as his eyes watered slightly. He reached up to brush them, but Minho was faster, gently rubbing his thumb over the wet lashes. Jonghyun stared at him in surprise.
"I meant it though. I didn't mean to, but I did fall in love with you. I didn't mean to say it, that's true, but when I said it later, every time after that, I meant it."
Jonghyun looked away, pressing his lips together in what Minho recognized easily as an attempt to hold himself back from crying. Jonghyun was such a mess, but Minho really liked that. He was so wildly attracted to those explosive, uncontrollable emotions Jonghyun had.
The older man didn't speak, but when the bus pulled up, he waved for the driver to go on without him. Minho took this as a good sign and started talking again. "I never meant for us to happen. I was dating Jinki for half a year when I met you. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't control myself around you. I wanted you so much. There were so many times I wished I‘d been single when we met, that I could have devoted myself completely to you. But then I felt so guilty. I kept meaning to do something, to stop, but I couldn't. Then I realized I loved you and that made things so much more difficult. How did you ... how did you know I was with Jinki?"
Jonghyun looked back at him and then down at his hands clasped in front of him. "A while back someone asked me if I was your boyfriend, that they heard our one year anniversary was coming up. I shrugged it off even though I thought it was kind of weird. I trusted you not to be the sort of person who would cheat on his boyfriend though, so I figured it was them who was confused. Maybe they misheard, or got their gossip mixed up. It didn't bother me, but it should have made me more aware of what was going on than it did," he laughed incredulously at himself before continuing, "Then, I saw you at dinner with Jinki. It was obvious you were together. I didn't need anyone to tell me that. I heard you say his name, say that you were happy to be with him or something. Something about loving him. I couldn't help but listen. It fucking killed me to sit there and hear it all. After a few minutes though, I snuck back outside. I wanted to pretend like I hadn't seen you, that it was someone else, that it wasn't real. Anything that could give me back what I had thought was mine. But it was gone. I'm sorry if I ended up giving him the same pain I had, but I don’t feel sorry for telling him. I couldn't let you get away with using us. It wasn't fair. It made me feel so stupid and worthless."
Minho looked down to see Jonghyun's hands shaking and he reached down to hold them. They were cold. Minho wondered if Jonghyun had been this cold that night, when he was waiting outside while they had their anniversary dinner. It made him feel sick with guilt. Jonghyun didn't pull away from his touch, but he didn't do anything to reciprocate the gesture.
"I didn't want to hurt you. Or make you feel stupid or worthless. I definitely don't think you're either of those. I always meant to end it, but I couldn't let you go."
"Because you fell in love with me?" Jonghyun's question sounded a little cold and skeptical, but Minho nodded firmly.
"Yes, I still do. I love you, Jonghyun."
Those words made the older man turn his head to look at him. His eyes stared right into Minho's, and that vulnerability was back full force. It made Minho want to hold him in his arms right then, but Jonghyun's question made thoughts of that freeze. "Do you love him too?"
Minho nodded just slightly, somehow finding it impossible to lie with Jonghyun looking at him so intensely. It felt too wrong to even think about lying to him anymore. He just couldn't.
Jonghyun bit his lower lip hard enough that when he released it, there were evident marks from his teeth. "Do you love him as much as you love me?"
A dark fog seemed to settle over Minho's brain and he found it difficult to think of an appropriate answer. He could lie. He could try and explain more, but the extended silence seemed to be more than enough for Jonghyun, who finally pulled his hand away and stood up.
"I guess that's it then," he said, his voice only shaking a little. He then turned and looked right at Minho. Despite being only a couple inches out of reach, he suddenly looked miles away and Minho felt like his world was crumbling in front of him. The wetness in Jonghyun's eyes caught the sunlight, and Minho suddenly thought that he'd never looked more beautiful. Minho had never wanted, needed, him more than he did now. Now that he'd lost him.
"I won't settle," Jonghyun added, taking a deep breath. "I wanted all of you. I can't be with you knowing that you want someone else, that you could possibly still have something with that other person. Maybe even something we couldn't have, something I couldn't ever give you. I don't want to feel like there's something missing when we're together. So, I'm going to walk away." it was almost like he was also reassuring himself. "I told you commitments were messy, that I didn't want a relation..." his voice broke then and he turned and took a couple steps away. "Goodbye, Minho," he added after he could speak level again. Minho hated how firm it sounded, how absolute.
"Goodbye," he whispered, long after Jonghyun had already walked away. He hadn't really wanted to say it. Not ever.
It was only a matter of time, a little over a day to be exact, that Minho decided to go to Jinki. He still wouldn't answer his phone, and Minho felt worried enough that he at least wanted to know he was okay. Once again, he'd gotten himself together to go see what would happen. Although a little more defeated and less worried about making sure he looked impeccable. He was braced for rejection, even expecting it. But he was desperate for something else. He needed Jinki. He couldn't be alone. But he was terrified that he would have to be. Jinki deserved better. That was certain.
The trip over there felt like a long drive to the gallows. Then he was standing at the door, his face set in a grim frown. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. There was no immediate answer and Minho wondered if maybe he wasn't there. It was getting on into the evening, so he shouldn't be out too much later. Minho had expected him to be there, unless he wasn't coming home that night.
Then there was bang that sounded like someone being clumsy as they stumbled toward the door. Minho felt his stomach flip with nervousness and he stooped low enough that Jinki wouldn't be able to see who was there through the peep hole. He heard Jinki at the door, but it was a few minutes before he said anything.
"Who's there?"
Minho didn't know whether or not he should respond, whether or not Jinki would let him in. After another minute Jinki sighed and Minho heard the sound of the lock. His heart leapt with hope. And then the door was opening and he saw Jinki's face. His heart plummeted again.
In all the time they'd known each other, Minho had never seen Jinki look so tired, so broken. Jinki's eyes widened when he saw Minho and he tried to shut the door back, but Minho was too quick. Using his forearm to stop it before it closed, Minho pushed it back open. Jinki seemed to give up trying though, as soon as Minho showed resistance. Minho stepped in and Jinki turned and walked further into the apartment. Minho shut the door and followed him, his eyes locked onto the older man's slumped figure.
Minho looked around, seeing the room was a mess, more so than he'd ever seen Jinki's place. It killed him to know that he was the reason, that he had hurt Jinki this much. "Jinki," he tried softly, after the older man stopped walking and stayed motionless and silent, facing the other direction. His voice seemed to trigger something in Jinki though and his body suddenly jerked, and he fell to his knees.
Cradling his face in his hands, Jinki's body rocked with sobs that he wasn't even trying to contain. Minho stared at him in shock, because he'd never seen the older man like this. He was always so calm, so put together. Moving forward quickly, Minho wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close, cradling the older man against his chest.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered over and over into Jinki's hair, holding him tightly, wanting to make all of it go away. Jinki just kept crying though, for what felt like an eternity. Minho wouldn't let him go though, no matter how long it took. He swore that much. Unless Jinki made him, he wasn't going to let go.
Finally, Jinki calmed down a little. He sniffled and moved his arm to wipe his sleeve across his face. "I knew it. All along, I knew something was going on. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew."
The roughness of his voice made Minho want to jump up and grab him a water, but he was too afraid that if he let go, he'd never be able to catch hold of him again. "It shouldn't have ever happened. I didn't mean for it to. I ... there's no excuse that could make up for it," he trailed off. Squeezing his eyes shut, Minho tried to block out the pain he'd caused, tried to work out a way to make it right. But there wasn't a way anymore.
"I just feel like, why couldn't you be happy with me? What did he have that I couldn't give you?" Jinki pulled back to look at him and Minho felt everything inside of him knot up with fear.
"I never felt like there was something wrong with you, Jinki. I don't know why it happened the way it did. I should have stopped it. I was so stupid, and then I was so entangled in it that I couldn't get out. I wanted to. I told myself over and over that I would do it, but I couldn't. I ... I never meant to send him that text," he whispered, figuring that might have been what Jonghyun had showed him. "It was meant for you."
Jinki sat there for a while, just staring at him. His hands tightened against Minho's arms, squeezing his jacket tightly in his fists. "Have you spoken to him since?"
Minho nodded slowly and Jinki frowned, deep lines forming in his features. "Why did you go to him first?"
"I was scared," Minho said softly. "I was more afraid of facing you, afraid that I wouldn't be able to fix us."
Nodding, Jinki chewed on his lip for a moment before asking, "Do you love him?"
Everything inside of Minho screamed in opposition. Fear and guilt weighed heavily, but the answer left his lips before he could think, "No." he was scared, too afraid of losing both of them, so he said what he had to. He wasn't willing to let Jinki go, not if he could save them, not if he still had a chance. Besides, what did it matter if he loved Jonghyun now? He was gone. Jinki was all that was left now. "Not like I love you," he added, voice soft and quiet.
The older man looked at him for a while before nodding slowly, and Minho wasn't sure if he completely believed it or not, but he seemed to accept it.
"I just want things to be the way they were before. Just us," Minho added, hopeful, desperate.
"Me too," Jinki's voice was a bare whisper, but it was all Minho needed for his hope to soar. He held Jinki a little tighter and kissed the top of his head.
"It can be. Please believe me. I don't deserve it, but please. I need you."
Maybe because they were both afraid of being alone, maybe because Jinki felt the same way, he accepted the apology. Slowly, he came around and they tried to piece back together what was left, while simultaneously trying to build onto it. For the most part, they ignored what happened. Jonghyun wasn't ever mentioned, nor was the fact that Minho had cheated. It was like it had never happened. Minho stayed faithful, eager to prove that he wasn't going to stray. He stuck close to Jinki, closer than he had since they'd first started dating. Jinki had reverted right back to square one, uncomfortable and awkward around him, and it took everything Minho had to slowly try and pry him back open again. Slowly, much more so than before, he grew comfortable again. They even started to laugh, kiss just for the sake of it, and those three words became less nervous and more comfortable when spoken. After a while, things felt normal again, the way they had before Minho had met Jonghyun in the first place. But every time he lay awake in the dead of night, Jinki sleeping soundly next to him, he would remember, and it always felt like something was missing.