A Spirit Wilted
Title: A Spirit Wilted
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: strong language, mentions of death, suicidal thoughts.
Summary: When Jinki loses his mother, he feels like he can never be the same. No matter how much his friends try to help him get past it, Jinki can't accept the situation and ends up trying to push everyone away no matter how hard they fight him on it.
Word Count: 6,388
Notes: The hurt/comfort genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by effi_g. I don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. I wrestled with this fic a lot. It actually started out as a completely different idea, which I stopped and then wrote this one. Ahh, I don't know. Neither came out easy, but this one was quicker to write, so at least it's done and hopefully it's okay? I hope you enjoy it at least. ^.^
Spot For: effi_g
The slightly off white wall blurred and sharpened several times throughout the night. How long can a person stare at one spot? Jinki was pretty sure he would find out the limit. The only moments it left his vision were the brief milliseconds when his eyes would blink shut, keeping them from drying out. He wasn't tired or sleepy. He was too miserable for that. He knew he should have been. He'd been awake for almost 48 hours now. Funny how emotions can do that to a person. The last time he hadn't been able to sleep because of a feeling was after his first kiss, when his heart wouldn't stop pounding as the scene played over and over again in his mind. Then it had been excitement, adrenaline pumping through his veins, sending him over the moon and making it impossible to drift off. Now, it was a completely different feeling. Morbid, dark, desolate and empty were all words he would use to describe how he felt inside right now.
Dragging a breath through his lips, Jinki felt like it was work just to keep himself going, like he was actually some kind of contraption that could just stop working at any second. Like an old watch, maybe in a few minutes he would just stop ticking. He wasn't sure how long he'd been there because he never looked at the clock to his right.
Eventually, he realized light had started to filter in through the window. He still didn't look away, watching that spot on the wall as it slowly grew brighter and brighter, and as he constantly tried to block out any thought. Everything always led back to what had happened the previous day, what had changed his life forever.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, but even thought it registered in his mind, Jinki couldn't seem to get himself to answer. He didn't want to either. He didn't even want to move. The knock came again after a minute of silence, then an all too familiar voice demanding entrance. Jinki suddenly wished he'd locked his door, but he already knew it was too late as seconds later Jonghyun was pushing the door open.
He heard more than saw, only catching his image out of the corner of his eye, along with another figure that he immediately placed as Taemin. He heard the younger one shut the door back behind them, and seconds later Jonghyun was kneeling in front of him, blocking his view of that spot on the wall. Jinki suddenly felt annoyed with his friend, and had half a mind to shove him out of the way and continue his staring challenge, but he realized it was already over. He couldn't continue now that he'd been interrupted. He couldn't go back no matter how much he wanted to. That knowledge was only made more clear when Jonghyun's arms linked themselves around his shoulders, the brunette leaning over him as he hugged him tightly.
Just sitting there, Jinki let him, not even flinching when Taemin came up on his side and joined in the hug.
"Jinki, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry," Jonghyun said, his voice shaky as if he was about to cry, which was really funny because Jinki suddenly realized that his cheeks were wet, as tear after tear slid down his face. They weren't Jonghyun's either. Why did he have to sound so sad? He wasn't the one crying.
"Hyung," Taemin whispered so softly that Jinki wouldn't have heard it if the room weren't so silent.
A sob that sounded foreign to his ears pulled up from his throat, and Jinki vainly started trying to push their arms off of him. Taemin fell back on his butt, staying still as Jonghyun's arms only tightened, forcing him to stay there. "We're here, Jinki. We're not going anywhere."
"I don't want…!" Jinki cried, his throat tightening around the last word, another sob working its way out. Now that he was crying again, it seemed like there was no way to stop it. He pushed at Jonghyun's chest again, just wanting to get back to forgetting, to blocking everything out.
Taemin looked a little lost as his eyes met Jonghyun's, not knowing how to comfort his grieving friend. Jonghyun had a determination in his eyes that said he wasn't going anywhere. It seemed like a silent conversation went on between the two as they looked at each other, then Jonghyun turned and started helping Jinki to his feet. Taemin's arm slid around his waist, and they practically carried him to his bed.
Jinki was pretty much hanging lifeless now, given up in his protests to just let the two do whatever they wanted now. What did it really matter? Once they had him sitting on the bed, Jonghyun pulled the covers up over his lap and sat down beside him, one arm on either side. Taemin stood at the foot of the bed looking uncertain as to what he should do. Jinki raised his eyes to meet the youngest's, looking past Jonghyun. Taemin flinched and attempted a small smile.
Taking a ragged breath, Jinki leaned back against his headboard and looked at Jonghyun. "Thanks, but I'm okay. I think…"
"Of course you're not okay," Jonghyun corrected him. "Your mom, she just die…"
"Jonghyun!" Taemin's voice suddenly rose, slicing through the air like a knife.
"Sorry," the other said, bowing his head slightly. Jinki felt his eyes water again, and he almost wondered at how it was even possible to cry more.
"I saw it," he finally said, his voice shaking. "I can't stop seeing it in my head. Over and over. How she fell to the ground, how she bled all over my hands."
Jonghyun and Taemin were both staring at him with a new shock. Obviously they hadn't been told that detail. "I thought … you just found her. You saw the guy?" Jonghyun asked uncertainly, and Jinki nodded, wiping at his face.
"I'll get some water," Taemin suddenly said, finally doing something Jinki thought was useful. He felt so dehydrated that he was afraid he might be about to turn into a prune.
The two of them stayed there for a couple of hours before heading home. Jonghyun promised he'd be back later, and Taemin said he'd visit soon and text him too. Jinki could only pretend to be grateful for their efforts because all he really wanted was to be left alone. All he wanted was to find a way to forget everything. And that's what he intended to do. He just wasn't sure how yet.
Jinki's dad was coming home less and less. He didn't even return that night. As Jinki stared at the television show Jonghyun had turned on, he wondered if this was what life had left for him. How could he move on if he couldn't forget? How could life actually go on now?
Suddenly he felt a hand grabbing his where it rested in his lap. Jonghyun's fingers slid through his, locking their hands together tightly. "Jinki, I just want you to know that I'm here, okay? We're going to get through this," he said softly, but loud enough to be heard over the TV. Jinki wanted to believe him. As difficult as it was to do so, he wanted to.
For the next several days, Jonghyun and Taemin took turns coming over to stay with him. One of them was always there except for during school hours. Jinki wasn't going back, not right away anyway. It was almost break anyway. He didn't care if he missed the end. Some of his teachers were sympathetic and brought him the work he missed, even letting him take the exams at home. He was pretty sure he failed them though. He hadn't really even tried.
With someone almost always around, Jinki felt a little bit like he was being watched. It was kind of annoying. Sometimes he even heard them on the phone, talking about when they had to leave, or when they could take over. He didn't need them. He needed something else.
Eventually, three days later, Jinki figured out what it was he needed to help him forget. At one of the times when neither Jonghyun or Taemin was able the be there, Jinki snuck into his father's stash of soju. It wasn't like he was around to need them. Grabbing a couple of bottles, Jinki headed back to his room. Before five in the evening, he'd gone back for more, and by six he was so smashed he passed out on his bed.
Several hours later, he woke up to Taemin picking up the empty bottles. Jinki watched him without saying anything as the boy with dirty blonde hair cleaned up every bit of the mess he'd made while drunk. Afterwards he brought in a glass of water and some medicine that Jinki was pretty sure he didn't need until he tried to move his head and changed his mind. When Taemin noticed he was awake, he gave him a soft smile and reach out to brush his fingers through his bangs. Jinki felt his chest tighten and he was suddenly reminded of his mother, and how she used to do something like that. He felt really bad for suddenly getting sick all over Taemin, he really did, but somehow the combination of the alcohol and remembering his mother caused such a violent reaction that he couldn't control it.
Jinki let Taemin borrow a pair of his clothes, and after cleaning up the mess on the floor, Taemin went to shower. Jinki wondered what would happen if he followed him in there, his mind still so clouded by the soju that he got kind of lost in the daydream until Taemin came back in with Jinki's clothes hanging loose on his small frame. Fuck. He wouldn't have let himself appreciate it that much if he were sober.
As time went on, Jinki felt more and more bitter about the way he was being treated by everyone. They were either treating him like porcelain or like he didn't exist. Well, truthfully, the only one he was pissed at for that was his father. Everyone else he just wanted to leave him the fuck alone. Jonghyun was the worst, always trying to get him to talk or go do something, trying to be productive and help him out of the funk he was stuck in. Taemin was a little better, silently taking care of him, but that was a problem all on its own. If he didn't act like a damn mother half the time, Jinki would end up thinking about his own a lot less.
It wasn't long before Jonghyun stumbled upon Jinki drinking, right in the middle of it actually. At first he'd been careful of his timing, but he started caring less and less. At first his friend seemed to be uncertain how to react. "Come on, Jonghyuuuun, it's just to lighten things up a bit. Join me," he offered one of the extra bottles, feeling generous.
Nodding, the shorter one joined him on his bedroom floor, opening the bottle and taking a hesitant drink. Jonghyun seemed spurred on by the now friendly Jinki, eager to just get a little bit of the friend he'd missed so much back. As minutes turned into an hour, the two were soon stumbling into the kitchen for more. Jinki scrounged for the last two bottles, grumbling at the now empty stash.
"Won't your dad get mad?" Jonghyun slurred, leaning against the counter, but he took the offered bottle anyway.
"Who cares. He doesn't come back much anymore anyway. He stays at work or, I don't even know where else. I don't think I've seen him in three days now…" Jinki trailed off, kicking the refrigerator shut and heading back for his room. He didn't want to talk about his dad anymore.
Once back in his room, Jonghyun collapsed on the floor, groaning softly as Jinki threw back half of his last bottle. Jonghyun watched him in wonder before sitting up and taking a much smaller drink of his own. The room was already spinning for him, and Jinki looked like he was swimming as he kept drinking.
"Yah, hyung," Jonghyun said as he almost crawled over to Jinki. "Don't you think you should slow down?"
"I'm fine. This is the last one, so I might as well finish it," Jinki mumbled, barely looking up from the floor as he continued to drink.
Jonghyun watched him, his brain feeling like it was going in and out of focus. He found himself thinking about how Jinki had started long before him, how it was amazing that he hadn't already passed out by now. Then again, he wasn't really all that surprised that Jinki could hold his liquor better. Shrugging, Jonghyun conceded to Jinki's point, slugging back more of his own drink. He didn't really remember the rest of the night, but he woke up the next morning with a raging headache.
Blinking open his eyes, Jonghyun found himself curled around Jinki. who was still deep in sleep. Jinki was under the blanket, snuggled up like in a cocoon, with just his head poking out. Smiling softly, Jonghyun ran a hand through his hyung's hair, a tightening sadness gripping his chest and gut. If only he could make everything better. If only he could pull Jinki out of this depression that had gripped him, but he couldn't even understand how he felt. He'd never seen anyone die, let alone his own mother. Just the thought of it scared him, and he felt the need to hold onto Jinki even stronger. Wrapping his arm tightly around him, Jonghyun decided to not let go until he woke up.
The times with Taemin had slowly turned into quiet cuddle feasts. It was actually a relief compared to Jonghyun, who was always asking him questions he didn't want to answer or even acknowledge. There was something nice about Taemin's arms locked around his waist, being able to feel and hear his calm breathing in the quiet room. But it also made him uncomfortable in a way. He couldn't really explain it. It wasn't like they hadn't ever cuddled before, but now it felt tainted. The only thing Jinki could think was that the younger boy now felt sorry for him. It felt like everything he did was because of that pity.
It was late in the afternoon when Jinki realized Taemin had fallen asleep next to him. The blonde shifted closer to him, a small whine coming from his lips. Jinki almost felt a small laugh slip out, but it stopped in his throat. As he looked at Taemin, seeing his lips slightly parted as his breath came in and out softly.
Something about the way Jinki didn't care as much about anything right now, how he knew things could all be gone in an instant now seemed to block out his common sense. Tilting his body, Jinki slid closer to Taemin, moving his face closer until he could tilt his head to brush his lips across the blonde's. Taemin stirred immediately, and Jinki simply rolled back onto his back, content to pretend like it had never happened.
He could feel Taemin's eyes drilling into him, so he closed his own in an attempt to block it out. Then he felt the younger boy's hand touching his, fingers sliding between his own, locking them together. He didn't know how to feel, how he did feel about it. All he knew was that where once he would have been happy for any of this affection, now all he felt was a giant wall blocking everything out. An anger inside of him making his gut roll sickly.
It was a week later when school officially got out. That meant Jonghyun and Taemin were coming over more frequently. In fact, there was hardly a moment anymore when one or both weren't over there. It was driving Jinki insane, but he didn't know how to tell them to stop. His dad was easy to take care of because he wasn't around much. Actually that was the only time when Jonghyun or Taemin came in handy. It gave him an excuse to hide in his room, not that his dad sought out very much interactions. If anything, he would just ask how he was or ask if he needed anything. Jinki didn't want to tell him that he wanted more alcohol, or that he'd drunk it all, but he did ask for food and drinks. Just the necessities.
He did want more alcohol though, and it was only a phone call away. He knew some of the rougher kids at school who would be able to get something like that, who wouldn't mind making some money, so Jinki just asked his dad for some spending money so he could go out with his friends.
Unlike his father though, it didn't take much longer for his friends to notice his drinking was going a little too far. Jonghyun called him out on it one day. "Jinki," he fussed, blocking the older man's way to the cupboard that Jinki had spent his money to restock. "You don't need to be drinking like this. It won't make it go away. It's only going to make it worse."
"Get. Out . Of. My. Way. Jonghyun," Jinki almost seethed, just about tired of his friend's actions. Taemin stood awkwardly in the doorway, probably thinking the same thing but too nervous to say anything himself.
"No, I'm not going anywhere. Why won't you just let us help you? We can help."
"Oh my fucking god. Jonghyun, just get the fuck out already," Jinki threw his hands up and sighed loudly. "I don't even want you here. Either of you."
Almost as soon as the words were out, he regretted them. He couldn't bring himself to look around, but he could almost feel the hurt on Taemin's face. He couldn't even look up to meet Jonghyun's eyes anymore, but he heard his low growl. "Is drinking really that important to you now? Well, I'm sorry that we're getting in the way of it, hyung. Really fucking sorry."
After Jonghyun spoke, walking around him to leaving the room, Jinki felt an odd sensation in his stomach. It was a mixture of sadness and stubbornness. He would not give into his feelings. He wouldn't show that he cared. He didn't want to care anymore.
The sound of the front door slamming shook him a little and Jinki turned around to see Taemin still standing motionless in the doorway, looking lost. "Hyung," he said softly, making Jinki sigh. "Hyung…do you really not want us here? Are we really getting on your nerves that much?"
Jinki diverted his eyes and tried to find the right answer, but it was like there was a dead weight in his brain, keeping him from being able to think clearly. "You can leave too if you want," it wasn't what he meant to say, but when the words came out, he looked up and saw Taemin's eyes water.
The younger one quickly turned his face, looking up and taking a deep breath, as if he were trying not to cry. "Okay," he said after a moment. "I'll leave then."
As he listened to the sound of the door closing a second time, Jinki thought he didn't really want another drink, but he found his hand closing around a bottle before walking back to his room anyway.
It felt really silent that night, without anyone there. No one even texted him. It was so different compared to how it had been for the last few weeks. Actually, it was different than it ever had been before. He never remembered it feeling this quiet, this hollow.
It was a couple of days before Jinki heard from either of them. He opened the front door to see Jonghyun standing there, his lips drawn together into a thin line. "Can I come in?"
Jinki stepped aside and Jonghyun walked into the house. There was an awkward silence between them and Jinki went to collapse on the couch, just hoping that Jonghyun hadn't come there to nag at him more. Jonghyun looked restless, rubbing his hands together and making weird faces. It was like he was thinking or about to say something, but then he didn't. Jinki felt himself getting a little more anxious until Jonghyun finally spoke, "How are you?"
The question surprised him a little because it seemed like Jonghyun had an agenda and wouldn't start off with small talk. "I'm okay," he lied. It was an easy lie, an automatic answer that didn't have any thought or feeling behind it.
Jonghyun nodded, accepting the answer. "Taemin said he's not going to come over here again. I tried to get him to come over with me, but he thinks he isn't wanted…"
A pang of guilt hit Jinki in the gut, but he didn't open his mouth to dispel that statement. Well, hadn't he been the one who'd said it in the first place? Wasn't that actually what he'd been wishing for the whole time? "What do you want, Jonghyun?" Jinki asked with a sigh, leaning back against the couch.
That seemed to be the wrong thing to ask because Jonghyun's face immediately darkened. "Why are you being like this, Jinki? Don't you see what you're doing? Surely you don't want to be like this!"
Jinki felt the anger flash through him and he jumped up from his seat, restless energy making him want to either run or punch something. "Of course I don't want to be like this! You think I just woke up one day and though, 'Hmm, I think I'd like to become motherless. Oh, maybe I'd like to watch my mother get murdered in front of my eyes!' Yeah, I totally want to be this way," Jinki's voice was rising. He felt almost like if he screamed at Jonghyun loud enough that it would make everything go away. He felt his eyes burning with the warning of oncoming tears.
"Jinki…" Jonghyun started.
"No! You have no idea how I feel! Neither of you do! No one knows what I'm going through right now!" his voice got louder, sounding a little shrill in his own ears, but he couldn't hold it back anymore.
"Hyung..." Jinki heard Jonghyun's voices, but he didn't see him as his vision blurred and he reached up to wipe at the tears. He heard and felt Jonghyun step closer, and the arms around his shoulders felt good, but only served to make him feel worse somehow.
Suddenly Jonghyun's lips were against his cheeks, pressing kisses as the tears slid down. Jinki gripped the other's sleeves in a tight fist, a sob working out as Jonghyun whispered to him.
"I miss you, hyung. Please don't shut me out anymore. Please. We can get through this together."
Tilting his head, Jinki felt his lips brush against Jonghyun's. It was an accident, but he didn't pull away, instead pressing closer. Sniffing softly, Jinki felt his stomach twist as his hands slid slowly up to Jonghyun's shoulders, once again tightening around the fabric of his shirt as the kiss deepened. Jonghyun pushed hard, sliding his tongue between Jinki's lips and tasting every part of his mouth. Jinki felt himself start to shake as Jonghyun kissed him slowly, kissing him back as his mind blanked for a moment.
When he finally realized what was happening, Jinki pushed the other back slightly, looking at him with wide eyes. "W-what...Jonghyun?"
Jonghyun's eyes had gone just as wide, as if the realization hadn't really hit him either. "I...I didn't mean to."
"I think you should go," was what came out of his mouth even though he didn't really want it. He was scared though, and now he was even more scared than he had been before.
Jonghyun just silently nodded before heading for the door. "I'll wait this time, for you to come to me. Please don't shut us out," with those words, he shut the door behind him, leaving Jinki alone again.
Later that night, Jinki's dad came home. He routinely asked how he was before locking himself in his room. Jinki felt like he was going to go crazy as he heard the door shut. Alone. Shut out. Going into the kitchen, he grabbed some alcohol and pulled out random bottles of medicine. He just didn't want to be conscious. He just wanted it all to stop.
After downing half a bottle of medicine, Jinki opened his bottle of soju and started to go at it too. He lost track of what he did not too long after that.
The next morning, he remembered it having gone black at some point, but he couldn't really remember much else. Walking out of his room, Jinki quickly realized his dad wasn't there anymore. Looking back into his room and seeing the tipped over pill bottles and alcohol on the floor, he thought it was probably a good thing. Instead of moving to clean though, Jinki just headed for the shower. He was so tired. He was just so tired, and nothing was helping anymore.
Days turned into a week and more, and Jinki barely remembered any of it. The school break was slowly coming to an end, but he didn't even realize it, much less care about it. His room looked like a mess. Bottles and old food sat around. He didn't really feel like he could care less though. When his dad wasn't around, sometimes he would even just drink and eat in other rooms. But slowly, there started to be signs of his mess in other rooms. Still though, he didn't care. He took care of the alcohol, but plates and cups piled up on the table. By the time his dad came home again, there wasn't really anything clean.
He didn't say anything though. Jinki didn't hear him cleaning at ten because he was already passed out in his bed. In fact, that was one of the few times his dad came home that they didn't speak at all. He felt angry, hurt, abandoned. How could his dad treat him like this? It was like he'd lost more than his mother. In fact, he'd lost everything. His family, even his friends had left him eventually.
Those kinds of thoughts filtered through in Jinki's sober moments. Even when he would try to distract himself with the television or the internet, nothing seemed to really help. It was why, at the end of the day, he always went back to getting messed up because it was the only thing that made it impossible to think too hard about how fucked up everything was now. It was the only thing that helped to keep him from feeling like he was falling apart, being ripped from the inside out.
Jinki completely lost track of time, only knowing day from night by the light outside. One day he woke up and felt like there was a heavy weight on his chest. A tear rolled down his cheek and he thought about how this time no one was there to catch it. No one was there to silently hold his hand or wrap him in a warm hug. He really didn't have anything anymore.
He laid there for what felt like hours before a sound made him sit up quickly. Someone was knocking at the door. Jumping out of bed, Jinki ran his fingers through his dirty hair and threw on a clean shirt before heading down to answer the door. His heart was beating hard in his chest, wondering if maybe, just maybe one of his friends had changed their mind and come to see him.
When he opened the door, he felt the butterflies in his stomach settle into a dead weight. It was just the guy from school, there to drop of a pack of soju and collect the money Jinki owed him. After taking the drinks and stashing them in the kitchen, Jinki offered the guy a tentative smile. "Hey, if you don't have anything going on, you could stick around for a while. No one will be here to catch us, and I don't mind sharing."
The guy gave him a contemplative look before shrugging his shoulders. "Ah, I can't. I got some other things to do with my friends. Maybe some other time," the guy said, shooting him what looked like a mocking smile to Jinki's eyes before stepping out the door.
Walking over to the couch, Jinki sighed and collapsed onto it. He felt heavy, weak, stupid, worthless and unwanted. No one wanted to hang out with him now, not after what he'd become.
The house started to feel suffocating, lonely. Jinki didn't know where to go because nothing made him feel better. He'd only been out a handful of times since his mother died, and usually it was only when he had to for one reason or another. Now, he didn't even know where he would go. In some ways, he was even scared to go anywhere. What if they could see? He was afraid people could see how ugly he'd become if they looked at him.
Opening his phone, Jinki typed in a message to his dad.
We're out of good food. Can you pick something up and bring it home?
He stared at the message for maybe ten minutes before hitting send and setting his phone down. At least it was his dad, his oblivious father. He wouldn't notice anything. A few minutes later his phone buzzed, and Jinki opened it, the message making his heart drop harder than he could have known it would.
I'm swamped at work. Can you just order something? I'll go shopping as soon as I have time.
Biting down on his bottom lip, Jinki tried to hold back the tears, but they built up so fast he didn't have the chance. This was what he'd done, over and over. Excuse after excuse, he'd shut himself off, and now he was completely alone. It hurt, being shut out like that. It hurt that his own father didn't want to spend time with him anymore, and he knew that was exactly what he'd done to everyone who had shown him any concern. He'd shut everyone out too.
What felt like days was really only the next 24 hours. Jinki sat in his room, scrolling through his old messages over and over. Time after time, his friends had tried to pull him out of this mess. Every single time he'd refused or just plain out ignored them. Looking at everything at once made him feel guilty, almost sick, and angry at himself.
Jinki hyung, we could go to see a movie tonight if you're up for it? Let me know :)
No answer.
hey let's go to that chicken place you like. remember when minnie almost fell over a chair? keke. I'm free tonight.
I'm not hungry. Just go with Taemin.
Pressing the cool screen against his forehead, Jinki released a heavy breath. Fuck. They probably hated him now. In fact, it had been a while since he'd heard from either of them. They had to hate him. He'd been such a jerk.
Hours slipped by as Jinki's restlessness grew. He couldn't just stay there anymore. He couldn't just do nothing forever. He hadn't touched the soju in over 48 hours now, and he really felt like shit. He felt really tempted to go get a bottle, and he knew that if he was going to stop himself, he had to get out.
Grabbing a pair of clean clothes, Jinki took a quick shower, trying to keep his mind off of the soju and off of the fact that he'd probably lost his two best friends in the world. He couldn't stop though. Memories of the good times flooded in his mind, haunted by cloudy memories of the last couple of months.
Stepping out of the house, Jinki shivered and pulled his light jacket tighter around him. It wasn't really that cold, but the wind was slightly chilly and seemed to stab at him harshly. He just started walking, going anywhere else. He didn't have anywhere in mind at first, because he just knew he needed to get away. He'd looked in the mirror before he left, how sober his mind was making it easier to see the changes in the way he looked. He'd lost a bit of weight, and he knew it was because he wasn't eating that much. He used the money he told his dad he was going out to eat with on alcohol and other similarly mind numbing products. He really didn't want anyone to see him like this, but at the same time, he felt like he needed to. He couldn't wait any longer.
Finally stopping at the playground the three of them used to play at several years ago, Jinki opened his phone and wrote out a text. He wanted to apologize, to explain, but instead he simply asked them to meet him there. It took him a while to build up the courage to actually send it, and even after he thought about the possibility of running away. That wasn't really an option though. That would only make things worse.
Time slipped by. Jinki stared at his phone, sitting on the bottom of the slide they used to practically push each other down. His eyes were locked onto the screen, waiting to see if it would even buzz or light up with a response. His hands gripped it almost dangerously tight. The more time went by, the more hopeless he felt. Was it really too late? His eyes blurred and he tried to clear his mind to keep himself from crying. He fought back the tears, not letting one fall from his eyes.
He was about ready to admit he should give up when he heard footsteps on the crisp grass. Looking up he saw Jonghyun walking closer, Taemin only a couple steps behind him. Jinki stood up quickly, feeling his gut roll in anxiety, his jaw clenching up like someone poured glue in his mouth.
Coughing slightly as the two came to a stop a couple feet away, Jinki tried to get his mouth to work so he didn't just stand there like an idiot. "You…ah…came together."
"We met on the way," Jonghyun sounded distant, uncertain. Taemin didn't say anything.
There was an awkward silence as Jinki stared at the ground between their feet. "It's kind of late to be calling you guys out I guess."
"It is a little late," Jonghyun responded quickly, sounding automatic, like he was eager to fill the silence until the tension was relieved.
Jinki bit his lip, trying to think of where to even start.
"What do you want, hyung?" Taemin suddenly put in, and Jinki looked up to see his stony face, the chill in his voice cutting through him like a knife. It broke through the shaky wall he'd built up while waiting.
"I…I'm sorry. I m-missed you..."
"I thought you didn't want us around anymore, that we were just bothering you."
Jonghyun looked over, a little surprised by how angry Taemin looked and sounded. He just looked lost himself.
"I know it was stupid," Jinki started again, desperate to explain the way he'd acted. "Because I lost one person close to me, I tried to push away the other most important people in my life, you guys. I don't really want to…lose you though."
The tears he'd been fighting back before threatened again, but what surprised both him and Jonghyun was that Taemin started crying first. "Why? W-why would you let this happen? Do you know how much it hurt to be pushed away no matter what we tried? Do you know how hard it was to realize we had to walk away?"
Feeling his own tears slide out of the corners of his eyes, Jinki shook his head. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I wasn't in my right mind, Taemin-ah. Please, I don't deserve it, but please give me another chance."
"Idiot," Taemin choked out, wiping at his eyes with his palm.
"Maybe you don't deserve us to accept you with open arms right away, but pushing you away like you did with us would only hurt everyone more," Jonghyun broke in, stepping closer and reaching for Jinki's wrist to pull him closer to the two of them. Jinki stumbled forward a little bit, still afraid to look them in the eyes. Hope kindled inside of him, but he was too scared to let it grow because Taemin sounded like he was upset enough that he might not agree.
Suddenly though, the blonde's arms wrapped around his shoulders, the youngest pressing his face against Jinki's shoulder, still slightly shaky from crying. Jonghyun joined the hug and Jinki wrapped his arms around both of them. They stayed like that for a quiet moment until Taemin pulled back, breaking the hug.
"You look terrible," he said softly and Jonghyun chuckled under his breath. Jinki chewed on his lower lip and nodded. He knew he did.
"Hey, my mom was in the middle of cooking when I left. I bet the food is done by now, and we could all probably get some while it's warm. Want to?" Jonghyun asked, looking from one to the other.
Jinki looked to Taemin, who was giving him a piercing gaze. Then the blonde nodded, and Jinki felt a small smile tug at his lips. "Okay, just let me take it slow, alright?"
Nodding, Jonghyun grinned and put his arms around both of their shoulders. "We're moving in the right direction already, you two. We'll get there."
Jinki knew there were a lot of things unsaid, a lot of things they'd have to put behind them, but he had his best friends again. As long as they weren't walking away from him, he was happy. He didn't feel quite so alone with them, he didn't feel quite so empty beside them.
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: strong language, mentions of death, suicidal thoughts.
Summary: When Jinki loses his mother, he feels like he can never be the same. No matter how much his friends try to help him get past it, Jinki can't accept the situation and ends up trying to push everyone away no matter how hard they fight him on it.
Word Count: 6,388
Notes: The hurt/comfort genre for my SHINee Genre Challenge, as requested by effi_g. I don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. I wrestled with this fic a lot. It actually started out as a completely different idea, which I stopped and then wrote this one. Ahh, I don't know. Neither came out easy, but this one was quicker to write, so at least it's done and hopefully it's okay? I hope you enjoy it at least. ^.^
Spot For: effi_g
The slightly off white wall blurred and sharpened several times throughout the night. How long can a person stare at one spot? Jinki was pretty sure he would find out the limit. The only moments it left his vision were the brief milliseconds when his eyes would blink shut, keeping them from drying out. He wasn't tired or sleepy. He was too miserable for that. He knew he should have been. He'd been awake for almost 48 hours now. Funny how emotions can do that to a person. The last time he hadn't been able to sleep because of a feeling was after his first kiss, when his heart wouldn't stop pounding as the scene played over and over again in his mind. Then it had been excitement, adrenaline pumping through his veins, sending him over the moon and making it impossible to drift off. Now, it was a completely different feeling. Morbid, dark, desolate and empty were all words he would use to describe how he felt inside right now.
Dragging a breath through his lips, Jinki felt like it was work just to keep himself going, like he was actually some kind of contraption that could just stop working at any second. Like an old watch, maybe in a few minutes he would just stop ticking. He wasn't sure how long he'd been there because he never looked at the clock to his right.
Eventually, he realized light had started to filter in through the window. He still didn't look away, watching that spot on the wall as it slowly grew brighter and brighter, and as he constantly tried to block out any thought. Everything always led back to what had happened the previous day, what had changed his life forever.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, but even thought it registered in his mind, Jinki couldn't seem to get himself to answer. He didn't want to either. He didn't even want to move. The knock came again after a minute of silence, then an all too familiar voice demanding entrance. Jinki suddenly wished he'd locked his door, but he already knew it was too late as seconds later Jonghyun was pushing the door open.
He heard more than saw, only catching his image out of the corner of his eye, along with another figure that he immediately placed as Taemin. He heard the younger one shut the door back behind them, and seconds later Jonghyun was kneeling in front of him, blocking his view of that spot on the wall. Jinki suddenly felt annoyed with his friend, and had half a mind to shove him out of the way and continue his staring challenge, but he realized it was already over. He couldn't continue now that he'd been interrupted. He couldn't go back no matter how much he wanted to. That knowledge was only made more clear when Jonghyun's arms linked themselves around his shoulders, the brunette leaning over him as he hugged him tightly.
Just sitting there, Jinki let him, not even flinching when Taemin came up on his side and joined in the hug.
"Jinki, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry," Jonghyun said, his voice shaky as if he was about to cry, which was really funny because Jinki suddenly realized that his cheeks were wet, as tear after tear slid down his face. They weren't Jonghyun's either. Why did he have to sound so sad? He wasn't the one crying.
"Hyung," Taemin whispered so softly that Jinki wouldn't have heard it if the room weren't so silent.
A sob that sounded foreign to his ears pulled up from his throat, and Jinki vainly started trying to push their arms off of him. Taemin fell back on his butt, staying still as Jonghyun's arms only tightened, forcing him to stay there. "We're here, Jinki. We're not going anywhere."
"I don't want…!" Jinki cried, his throat tightening around the last word, another sob working its way out. Now that he was crying again, it seemed like there was no way to stop it. He pushed at Jonghyun's chest again, just wanting to get back to forgetting, to blocking everything out.
Taemin looked a little lost as his eyes met Jonghyun's, not knowing how to comfort his grieving friend. Jonghyun had a determination in his eyes that said he wasn't going anywhere. It seemed like a silent conversation went on between the two as they looked at each other, then Jonghyun turned and started helping Jinki to his feet. Taemin's arm slid around his waist, and they practically carried him to his bed.
Jinki was pretty much hanging lifeless now, given up in his protests to just let the two do whatever they wanted now. What did it really matter? Once they had him sitting on the bed, Jonghyun pulled the covers up over his lap and sat down beside him, one arm on either side. Taemin stood at the foot of the bed looking uncertain as to what he should do. Jinki raised his eyes to meet the youngest's, looking past Jonghyun. Taemin flinched and attempted a small smile.
Taking a ragged breath, Jinki leaned back against his headboard and looked at Jonghyun. "Thanks, but I'm okay. I think…"
"Of course you're not okay," Jonghyun corrected him. "Your mom, she just die…"
"Jonghyun!" Taemin's voice suddenly rose, slicing through the air like a knife.
"Sorry," the other said, bowing his head slightly. Jinki felt his eyes water again, and he almost wondered at how it was even possible to cry more.
"I saw it," he finally said, his voice shaking. "I can't stop seeing it in my head. Over and over. How she fell to the ground, how she bled all over my hands."
Jonghyun and Taemin were both staring at him with a new shock. Obviously they hadn't been told that detail. "I thought … you just found her. You saw the guy?" Jonghyun asked uncertainly, and Jinki nodded, wiping at his face.
"I'll get some water," Taemin suddenly said, finally doing something Jinki thought was useful. He felt so dehydrated that he was afraid he might be about to turn into a prune.
The two of them stayed there for a couple of hours before heading home. Jonghyun promised he'd be back later, and Taemin said he'd visit soon and text him too. Jinki could only pretend to be grateful for their efforts because all he really wanted was to be left alone. All he wanted was to find a way to forget everything. And that's what he intended to do. He just wasn't sure how yet.
Jinki's dad was coming home less and less. He didn't even return that night. As Jinki stared at the television show Jonghyun had turned on, he wondered if this was what life had left for him. How could he move on if he couldn't forget? How could life actually go on now?
Suddenly he felt a hand grabbing his where it rested in his lap. Jonghyun's fingers slid through his, locking their hands together tightly. "Jinki, I just want you to know that I'm here, okay? We're going to get through this," he said softly, but loud enough to be heard over the TV. Jinki wanted to believe him. As difficult as it was to do so, he wanted to.
For the next several days, Jonghyun and Taemin took turns coming over to stay with him. One of them was always there except for during school hours. Jinki wasn't going back, not right away anyway. It was almost break anyway. He didn't care if he missed the end. Some of his teachers were sympathetic and brought him the work he missed, even letting him take the exams at home. He was pretty sure he failed them though. He hadn't really even tried.
With someone almost always around, Jinki felt a little bit like he was being watched. It was kind of annoying. Sometimes he even heard them on the phone, talking about when they had to leave, or when they could take over. He didn't need them. He needed something else.
Eventually, three days later, Jinki figured out what it was he needed to help him forget. At one of the times when neither Jonghyun or Taemin was able the be there, Jinki snuck into his father's stash of soju. It wasn't like he was around to need them. Grabbing a couple of bottles, Jinki headed back to his room. Before five in the evening, he'd gone back for more, and by six he was so smashed he passed out on his bed.
Several hours later, he woke up to Taemin picking up the empty bottles. Jinki watched him without saying anything as the boy with dirty blonde hair cleaned up every bit of the mess he'd made while drunk. Afterwards he brought in a glass of water and some medicine that Jinki was pretty sure he didn't need until he tried to move his head and changed his mind. When Taemin noticed he was awake, he gave him a soft smile and reach out to brush his fingers through his bangs. Jinki felt his chest tighten and he was suddenly reminded of his mother, and how she used to do something like that. He felt really bad for suddenly getting sick all over Taemin, he really did, but somehow the combination of the alcohol and remembering his mother caused such a violent reaction that he couldn't control it.
Jinki let Taemin borrow a pair of his clothes, and after cleaning up the mess on the floor, Taemin went to shower. Jinki wondered what would happen if he followed him in there, his mind still so clouded by the soju that he got kind of lost in the daydream until Taemin came back in with Jinki's clothes hanging loose on his small frame. Fuck. He wouldn't have let himself appreciate it that much if he were sober.
As time went on, Jinki felt more and more bitter about the way he was being treated by everyone. They were either treating him like porcelain or like he didn't exist. Well, truthfully, the only one he was pissed at for that was his father. Everyone else he just wanted to leave him the fuck alone. Jonghyun was the worst, always trying to get him to talk or go do something, trying to be productive and help him out of the funk he was stuck in. Taemin was a little better, silently taking care of him, but that was a problem all on its own. If he didn't act like a damn mother half the time, Jinki would end up thinking about his own a lot less.
It wasn't long before Jonghyun stumbled upon Jinki drinking, right in the middle of it actually. At first he'd been careful of his timing, but he started caring less and less. At first his friend seemed to be uncertain how to react. "Come on, Jonghyuuuun, it's just to lighten things up a bit. Join me," he offered one of the extra bottles, feeling generous.
Nodding, the shorter one joined him on his bedroom floor, opening the bottle and taking a hesitant drink. Jonghyun seemed spurred on by the now friendly Jinki, eager to just get a little bit of the friend he'd missed so much back. As minutes turned into an hour, the two were soon stumbling into the kitchen for more. Jinki scrounged for the last two bottles, grumbling at the now empty stash.
"Won't your dad get mad?" Jonghyun slurred, leaning against the counter, but he took the offered bottle anyway.
"Who cares. He doesn't come back much anymore anyway. He stays at work or, I don't even know where else. I don't think I've seen him in three days now…" Jinki trailed off, kicking the refrigerator shut and heading back for his room. He didn't want to talk about his dad anymore.
Once back in his room, Jonghyun collapsed on the floor, groaning softly as Jinki threw back half of his last bottle. Jonghyun watched him in wonder before sitting up and taking a much smaller drink of his own. The room was already spinning for him, and Jinki looked like he was swimming as he kept drinking.
"Yah, hyung," Jonghyun said as he almost crawled over to Jinki. "Don't you think you should slow down?"
"I'm fine. This is the last one, so I might as well finish it," Jinki mumbled, barely looking up from the floor as he continued to drink.
Jonghyun watched him, his brain feeling like it was going in and out of focus. He found himself thinking about how Jinki had started long before him, how it was amazing that he hadn't already passed out by now. Then again, he wasn't really all that surprised that Jinki could hold his liquor better. Shrugging, Jonghyun conceded to Jinki's point, slugging back more of his own drink. He didn't really remember the rest of the night, but he woke up the next morning with a raging headache.
Blinking open his eyes, Jonghyun found himself curled around Jinki. who was still deep in sleep. Jinki was under the blanket, snuggled up like in a cocoon, with just his head poking out. Smiling softly, Jonghyun ran a hand through his hyung's hair, a tightening sadness gripping his chest and gut. If only he could make everything better. If only he could pull Jinki out of this depression that had gripped him, but he couldn't even understand how he felt. He'd never seen anyone die, let alone his own mother. Just the thought of it scared him, and he felt the need to hold onto Jinki even stronger. Wrapping his arm tightly around him, Jonghyun decided to not let go until he woke up.
The times with Taemin had slowly turned into quiet cuddle feasts. It was actually a relief compared to Jonghyun, who was always asking him questions he didn't want to answer or even acknowledge. There was something nice about Taemin's arms locked around his waist, being able to feel and hear his calm breathing in the quiet room. But it also made him uncomfortable in a way. He couldn't really explain it. It wasn't like they hadn't ever cuddled before, but now it felt tainted. The only thing Jinki could think was that the younger boy now felt sorry for him. It felt like everything he did was because of that pity.
It was late in the afternoon when Jinki realized Taemin had fallen asleep next to him. The blonde shifted closer to him, a small whine coming from his lips. Jinki almost felt a small laugh slip out, but it stopped in his throat. As he looked at Taemin, seeing his lips slightly parted as his breath came in and out softly.
Something about the way Jinki didn't care as much about anything right now, how he knew things could all be gone in an instant now seemed to block out his common sense. Tilting his body, Jinki slid closer to Taemin, moving his face closer until he could tilt his head to brush his lips across the blonde's. Taemin stirred immediately, and Jinki simply rolled back onto his back, content to pretend like it had never happened.
He could feel Taemin's eyes drilling into him, so he closed his own in an attempt to block it out. Then he felt the younger boy's hand touching his, fingers sliding between his own, locking them together. He didn't know how to feel, how he did feel about it. All he knew was that where once he would have been happy for any of this affection, now all he felt was a giant wall blocking everything out. An anger inside of him making his gut roll sickly.
It was a week later when school officially got out. That meant Jonghyun and Taemin were coming over more frequently. In fact, there was hardly a moment anymore when one or both weren't over there. It was driving Jinki insane, but he didn't know how to tell them to stop. His dad was easy to take care of because he wasn't around much. Actually that was the only time when Jonghyun or Taemin came in handy. It gave him an excuse to hide in his room, not that his dad sought out very much interactions. If anything, he would just ask how he was or ask if he needed anything. Jinki didn't want to tell him that he wanted more alcohol, or that he'd drunk it all, but he did ask for food and drinks. Just the necessities.
He did want more alcohol though, and it was only a phone call away. He knew some of the rougher kids at school who would be able to get something like that, who wouldn't mind making some money, so Jinki just asked his dad for some spending money so he could go out with his friends.
Unlike his father though, it didn't take much longer for his friends to notice his drinking was going a little too far. Jonghyun called him out on it one day. "Jinki," he fussed, blocking the older man's way to the cupboard that Jinki had spent his money to restock. "You don't need to be drinking like this. It won't make it go away. It's only going to make it worse."
"Get. Out . Of. My. Way. Jonghyun," Jinki almost seethed, just about tired of his friend's actions. Taemin stood awkwardly in the doorway, probably thinking the same thing but too nervous to say anything himself.
"No, I'm not going anywhere. Why won't you just let us help you? We can help."
"Oh my fucking god. Jonghyun, just get the fuck out already," Jinki threw his hands up and sighed loudly. "I don't even want you here. Either of you."
Almost as soon as the words were out, he regretted them. He couldn't bring himself to look around, but he could almost feel the hurt on Taemin's face. He couldn't even look up to meet Jonghyun's eyes anymore, but he heard his low growl. "Is drinking really that important to you now? Well, I'm sorry that we're getting in the way of it, hyung. Really fucking sorry."
After Jonghyun spoke, walking around him to leaving the room, Jinki felt an odd sensation in his stomach. It was a mixture of sadness and stubbornness. He would not give into his feelings. He wouldn't show that he cared. He didn't want to care anymore.
The sound of the front door slamming shook him a little and Jinki turned around to see Taemin still standing motionless in the doorway, looking lost. "Hyung," he said softly, making Jinki sigh. "Hyung…do you really not want us here? Are we really getting on your nerves that much?"
Jinki diverted his eyes and tried to find the right answer, but it was like there was a dead weight in his brain, keeping him from being able to think clearly. "You can leave too if you want," it wasn't what he meant to say, but when the words came out, he looked up and saw Taemin's eyes water.
The younger one quickly turned his face, looking up and taking a deep breath, as if he were trying not to cry. "Okay," he said after a moment. "I'll leave then."
As he listened to the sound of the door closing a second time, Jinki thought he didn't really want another drink, but he found his hand closing around a bottle before walking back to his room anyway.
It felt really silent that night, without anyone there. No one even texted him. It was so different compared to how it had been for the last few weeks. Actually, it was different than it ever had been before. He never remembered it feeling this quiet, this hollow.
It was a couple of days before Jinki heard from either of them. He opened the front door to see Jonghyun standing there, his lips drawn together into a thin line. "Can I come in?"
Jinki stepped aside and Jonghyun walked into the house. There was an awkward silence between them and Jinki went to collapse on the couch, just hoping that Jonghyun hadn't come there to nag at him more. Jonghyun looked restless, rubbing his hands together and making weird faces. It was like he was thinking or about to say something, but then he didn't. Jinki felt himself getting a little more anxious until Jonghyun finally spoke, "How are you?"
The question surprised him a little because it seemed like Jonghyun had an agenda and wouldn't start off with small talk. "I'm okay," he lied. It was an easy lie, an automatic answer that didn't have any thought or feeling behind it.
Jonghyun nodded, accepting the answer. "Taemin said he's not going to come over here again. I tried to get him to come over with me, but he thinks he isn't wanted…"
A pang of guilt hit Jinki in the gut, but he didn't open his mouth to dispel that statement. Well, hadn't he been the one who'd said it in the first place? Wasn't that actually what he'd been wishing for the whole time? "What do you want, Jonghyun?" Jinki asked with a sigh, leaning back against the couch.
That seemed to be the wrong thing to ask because Jonghyun's face immediately darkened. "Why are you being like this, Jinki? Don't you see what you're doing? Surely you don't want to be like this!"
Jinki felt the anger flash through him and he jumped up from his seat, restless energy making him want to either run or punch something. "Of course I don't want to be like this! You think I just woke up one day and though, 'Hmm, I think I'd like to become motherless. Oh, maybe I'd like to watch my mother get murdered in front of my eyes!' Yeah, I totally want to be this way," Jinki's voice was rising. He felt almost like if he screamed at Jonghyun loud enough that it would make everything go away. He felt his eyes burning with the warning of oncoming tears.
"Jinki…" Jonghyun started.
"No! You have no idea how I feel! Neither of you do! No one knows what I'm going through right now!" his voice got louder, sounding a little shrill in his own ears, but he couldn't hold it back anymore.
"Hyung..." Jinki heard Jonghyun's voices, but he didn't see him as his vision blurred and he reached up to wipe at the tears. He heard and felt Jonghyun step closer, and the arms around his shoulders felt good, but only served to make him feel worse somehow.
Suddenly Jonghyun's lips were against his cheeks, pressing kisses as the tears slid down. Jinki gripped the other's sleeves in a tight fist, a sob working out as Jonghyun whispered to him.
"I miss you, hyung. Please don't shut me out anymore. Please. We can get through this together."
Tilting his head, Jinki felt his lips brush against Jonghyun's. It was an accident, but he didn't pull away, instead pressing closer. Sniffing softly, Jinki felt his stomach twist as his hands slid slowly up to Jonghyun's shoulders, once again tightening around the fabric of his shirt as the kiss deepened. Jonghyun pushed hard, sliding his tongue between Jinki's lips and tasting every part of his mouth. Jinki felt himself start to shake as Jonghyun kissed him slowly, kissing him back as his mind blanked for a moment.
When he finally realized what was happening, Jinki pushed the other back slightly, looking at him with wide eyes. "W-what...Jonghyun?"
Jonghyun's eyes had gone just as wide, as if the realization hadn't really hit him either. "I...I didn't mean to."
"I think you should go," was what came out of his mouth even though he didn't really want it. He was scared though, and now he was even more scared than he had been before.
Jonghyun just silently nodded before heading for the door. "I'll wait this time, for you to come to me. Please don't shut us out," with those words, he shut the door behind him, leaving Jinki alone again.
Later that night, Jinki's dad came home. He routinely asked how he was before locking himself in his room. Jinki felt like he was going to go crazy as he heard the door shut. Alone. Shut out. Going into the kitchen, he grabbed some alcohol and pulled out random bottles of medicine. He just didn't want to be conscious. He just wanted it all to stop.
After downing half a bottle of medicine, Jinki opened his bottle of soju and started to go at it too. He lost track of what he did not too long after that.
The next morning, he remembered it having gone black at some point, but he couldn't really remember much else. Walking out of his room, Jinki quickly realized his dad wasn't there anymore. Looking back into his room and seeing the tipped over pill bottles and alcohol on the floor, he thought it was probably a good thing. Instead of moving to clean though, Jinki just headed for the shower. He was so tired. He was just so tired, and nothing was helping anymore.
Days turned into a week and more, and Jinki barely remembered any of it. The school break was slowly coming to an end, but he didn't even realize it, much less care about it. His room looked like a mess. Bottles and old food sat around. He didn't really feel like he could care less though. When his dad wasn't around, sometimes he would even just drink and eat in other rooms. But slowly, there started to be signs of his mess in other rooms. Still though, he didn't care. He took care of the alcohol, but plates and cups piled up on the table. By the time his dad came home again, there wasn't really anything clean.
He didn't say anything though. Jinki didn't hear him cleaning at ten because he was already passed out in his bed. In fact, that was one of the few times his dad came home that they didn't speak at all. He felt angry, hurt, abandoned. How could his dad treat him like this? It was like he'd lost more than his mother. In fact, he'd lost everything. His family, even his friends had left him eventually.
Those kinds of thoughts filtered through in Jinki's sober moments. Even when he would try to distract himself with the television or the internet, nothing seemed to really help. It was why, at the end of the day, he always went back to getting messed up because it was the only thing that made it impossible to think too hard about how fucked up everything was now. It was the only thing that helped to keep him from feeling like he was falling apart, being ripped from the inside out.
Jinki completely lost track of time, only knowing day from night by the light outside. One day he woke up and felt like there was a heavy weight on his chest. A tear rolled down his cheek and he thought about how this time no one was there to catch it. No one was there to silently hold his hand or wrap him in a warm hug. He really didn't have anything anymore.
He laid there for what felt like hours before a sound made him sit up quickly. Someone was knocking at the door. Jumping out of bed, Jinki ran his fingers through his dirty hair and threw on a clean shirt before heading down to answer the door. His heart was beating hard in his chest, wondering if maybe, just maybe one of his friends had changed their mind and come to see him.
When he opened the door, he felt the butterflies in his stomach settle into a dead weight. It was just the guy from school, there to drop of a pack of soju and collect the money Jinki owed him. After taking the drinks and stashing them in the kitchen, Jinki offered the guy a tentative smile. "Hey, if you don't have anything going on, you could stick around for a while. No one will be here to catch us, and I don't mind sharing."
The guy gave him a contemplative look before shrugging his shoulders. "Ah, I can't. I got some other things to do with my friends. Maybe some other time," the guy said, shooting him what looked like a mocking smile to Jinki's eyes before stepping out the door.
Walking over to the couch, Jinki sighed and collapsed onto it. He felt heavy, weak, stupid, worthless and unwanted. No one wanted to hang out with him now, not after what he'd become.
The house started to feel suffocating, lonely. Jinki didn't know where to go because nothing made him feel better. He'd only been out a handful of times since his mother died, and usually it was only when he had to for one reason or another. Now, he didn't even know where he would go. In some ways, he was even scared to go anywhere. What if they could see? He was afraid people could see how ugly he'd become if they looked at him.
Opening his phone, Jinki typed in a message to his dad.
We're out of good food. Can you pick something up and bring it home?
He stared at the message for maybe ten minutes before hitting send and setting his phone down. At least it was his dad, his oblivious father. He wouldn't notice anything. A few minutes later his phone buzzed, and Jinki opened it, the message making his heart drop harder than he could have known it would.
I'm swamped at work. Can you just order something? I'll go shopping as soon as I have time.
Biting down on his bottom lip, Jinki tried to hold back the tears, but they built up so fast he didn't have the chance. This was what he'd done, over and over. Excuse after excuse, he'd shut himself off, and now he was completely alone. It hurt, being shut out like that. It hurt that his own father didn't want to spend time with him anymore, and he knew that was exactly what he'd done to everyone who had shown him any concern. He'd shut everyone out too.
What felt like days was really only the next 24 hours. Jinki sat in his room, scrolling through his old messages over and over. Time after time, his friends had tried to pull him out of this mess. Every single time he'd refused or just plain out ignored them. Looking at everything at once made him feel guilty, almost sick, and angry at himself.
Jinki hyung, we could go to see a movie tonight if you're up for it? Let me know :)
No answer.
hey let's go to that chicken place you like. remember when minnie almost fell over a chair? keke. I'm free tonight.
I'm not hungry. Just go with Taemin.
Pressing the cool screen against his forehead, Jinki released a heavy breath. Fuck. They probably hated him now. In fact, it had been a while since he'd heard from either of them. They had to hate him. He'd been such a jerk.
Hours slipped by as Jinki's restlessness grew. He couldn't just stay there anymore. He couldn't just do nothing forever. He hadn't touched the soju in over 48 hours now, and he really felt like shit. He felt really tempted to go get a bottle, and he knew that if he was going to stop himself, he had to get out.
Grabbing a pair of clean clothes, Jinki took a quick shower, trying to keep his mind off of the soju and off of the fact that he'd probably lost his two best friends in the world. He couldn't stop though. Memories of the good times flooded in his mind, haunted by cloudy memories of the last couple of months.
Stepping out of the house, Jinki shivered and pulled his light jacket tighter around him. It wasn't really that cold, but the wind was slightly chilly and seemed to stab at him harshly. He just started walking, going anywhere else. He didn't have anywhere in mind at first, because he just knew he needed to get away. He'd looked in the mirror before he left, how sober his mind was making it easier to see the changes in the way he looked. He'd lost a bit of weight, and he knew it was because he wasn't eating that much. He used the money he told his dad he was going out to eat with on alcohol and other similarly mind numbing products. He really didn't want anyone to see him like this, but at the same time, he felt like he needed to. He couldn't wait any longer.
Finally stopping at the playground the three of them used to play at several years ago, Jinki opened his phone and wrote out a text. He wanted to apologize, to explain, but instead he simply asked them to meet him there. It took him a while to build up the courage to actually send it, and even after he thought about the possibility of running away. That wasn't really an option though. That would only make things worse.
Time slipped by. Jinki stared at his phone, sitting on the bottom of the slide they used to practically push each other down. His eyes were locked onto the screen, waiting to see if it would even buzz or light up with a response. His hands gripped it almost dangerously tight. The more time went by, the more hopeless he felt. Was it really too late? His eyes blurred and he tried to clear his mind to keep himself from crying. He fought back the tears, not letting one fall from his eyes.
He was about ready to admit he should give up when he heard footsteps on the crisp grass. Looking up he saw Jonghyun walking closer, Taemin only a couple steps behind him. Jinki stood up quickly, feeling his gut roll in anxiety, his jaw clenching up like someone poured glue in his mouth.
Coughing slightly as the two came to a stop a couple feet away, Jinki tried to get his mouth to work so he didn't just stand there like an idiot. "You…ah…came together."
"We met on the way," Jonghyun sounded distant, uncertain. Taemin didn't say anything.
There was an awkward silence as Jinki stared at the ground between their feet. "It's kind of late to be calling you guys out I guess."
"It is a little late," Jonghyun responded quickly, sounding automatic, like he was eager to fill the silence until the tension was relieved.
Jinki bit his lip, trying to think of where to even start.
"What do you want, hyung?" Taemin suddenly put in, and Jinki looked up to see his stony face, the chill in his voice cutting through him like a knife. It broke through the shaky wall he'd built up while waiting.
"I…I'm sorry. I m-missed you..."
"I thought you didn't want us around anymore, that we were just bothering you."
Jonghyun looked over, a little surprised by how angry Taemin looked and sounded. He just looked lost himself.
"I know it was stupid," Jinki started again, desperate to explain the way he'd acted. "Because I lost one person close to me, I tried to push away the other most important people in my life, you guys. I don't really want to…lose you though."
The tears he'd been fighting back before threatened again, but what surprised both him and Jonghyun was that Taemin started crying first. "Why? W-why would you let this happen? Do you know how much it hurt to be pushed away no matter what we tried? Do you know how hard it was to realize we had to walk away?"
Feeling his own tears slide out of the corners of his eyes, Jinki shook his head. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I wasn't in my right mind, Taemin-ah. Please, I don't deserve it, but please give me another chance."
"Idiot," Taemin choked out, wiping at his eyes with his palm.
"Maybe you don't deserve us to accept you with open arms right away, but pushing you away like you did with us would only hurt everyone more," Jonghyun broke in, stepping closer and reaching for Jinki's wrist to pull him closer to the two of them. Jinki stumbled forward a little bit, still afraid to look them in the eyes. Hope kindled inside of him, but he was too scared to let it grow because Taemin sounded like he was upset enough that he might not agree.
Suddenly though, the blonde's arms wrapped around his shoulders, the youngest pressing his face against Jinki's shoulder, still slightly shaky from crying. Jonghyun joined the hug and Jinki wrapped his arms around both of them. They stayed like that for a quiet moment until Taemin pulled back, breaking the hug.
"You look terrible," he said softly and Jonghyun chuckled under his breath. Jinki chewed on his lower lip and nodded. He knew he did.
"Hey, my mom was in the middle of cooking when I left. I bet the food is done by now, and we could all probably get some while it's warm. Want to?" Jonghyun asked, looking from one to the other.
Jinki looked to Taemin, who was giving him a piercing gaze. Then the blonde nodded, and Jinki felt a small smile tug at his lips. "Okay, just let me take it slow, alright?"
Nodding, Jonghyun grinned and put his arms around both of their shoulders. "We're moving in the right direction already, you two. We'll get there."
Jinki knew there were a lot of things unsaid, a lot of things they'd have to put behind them, but he had his best friends again. As long as they weren't walking away from him, he was happy. He didn't feel quite so alone with them, he didn't feel quite so empty beside them.