035. Blind, Heechul/Shiwon
Title: Blind Love
Date: 6/8/2010
Pairing: Heechul/Siwon EX!Siwon/Kangin
Rating: PG-- PG-13, for kissing and character death. Extremely fluffy. Fluff with sap :3
Word Count: 3,789
Archive: It be here
Disclaimer: I don't own them, they own themselves. FAN. FICTION.
Summary: (Hm..) Siwon's love seems to look past Heechul's faults.
A/N: I seriously cried while I was writing the end of this. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. And Sorry, Sorry, Kangin oppa...^^; [somebody had to be the bad guy...] Sorry for the OOCness, too. ^^; This is LONG. Also, I know next to nothing about anything medical, so just pretend the nerve-temperature situation is possible, even thought it might not be...^^;;
Heechul tried to clear his throat and smoothen his voice as he stepped on stage. The song began playing and he began dancing, not letting his breath scratch in his windpipe.
He internally braced himself as he stepped forward.
Okay, a small crack formed in the note there. A flick of the card and it happened. The crack in his voice split the rest of the way in two. It sounded horrible, to himself, and he was sure to everyone else present.
He'd let his bandmates down. He wanted to cry, as he made his way back to the rear of the group. But he was Kim Heechul, so he showed no reaction to his mistake, pulling off his next line okay and making it through the rest of the song.
But as soon as he was out of the camera's view, he bolted to the bathroom and locked himself in the stall. He put the toilet lid down and sat. He sat in humiliation but did not cry.
"Heechul! Nice one out there!" Kangin yelled after him as he ran out the door.
"Leave him alone! His throat is hurting him!" Leeteuk yelled back. While Kibum and Hankyung joined Leeteuk's point-making, Siwon left the room to go after Heechul.
He stepped into the bathroom and peered under the stall doors for one that showed any sign of occupancy. He knocked on the one that did and got no answer. He knocked again.
"Hyung...Are you okay?"
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine! I'll be out in a minute," Heechul flushed the toilet, unused, and exited the stall. He glanced up to see Siwon looking down at him with concern. He flicked his gaze back down and stepped past and made his way to the backstage room, not comfortable with lying to his bandmate. Siwon followed him.
When they entered the room, everyone was heading out to the bus. Heechul grabbed his bag and joined them, putting on his best happy face. Siwon watched as his hyung acted normal, pretending to ignore Kangin's occasional teasing. But it was visible in Heechul's eyes-- to Siwon it was, anyway-- the hurt and guilt he was feeling. Siwon watched quietly the whole ride home. When they arrived it was almost nine o'clock, so everyone headed to the showers.
Everyone but Heechul. He didn't want to face everyone anymore after his stupid mistake. He sat on his bed, his head in his hands. He wanted to cry, he really wanted to cry. But he was Kim Heechul, so he couldn't. So he didn't.
At around nine thirty, he was startled by a knock on his dorm room door.
"Who is it?" he called, but it came out quiet and raspy.
"It's Siwon...can I come in?"
"Sure, whatcha need?" Heechul answered and the younger man entered and softly shut the door behind him.
"I just want to sit and talk with you."
"Simba, I'm not going to church, you know that," he said.
Siwon blinked. "I wasn't going to say anything about that," he said. "I just wanted to talk." Siwon moved to sit next to Heechul at the head of the bed. "Hyung, are you okay?"
It lasted only a split second, but Siwon caught Heechul's falter in the confident expression he wore.
"I'm fine, I'm just tired. I can't get to sleep because Hyukjae has our A/C up to freezing. But I'll fall asleep eventually. Don't worry about me. So, how have you been doing?"
Siwon took note of the room temperature. It was fine, to him.
"I'm good too. I had a nice shower and I feel all refreshed and ready to relax and go to sleep. You should've showered with the rest of us, it might've helped you...um...fall asleep...easier...?" Heechul was now resting his head on Siwon's broad shoulder,eyes blinking slowly and eventually staying closed. He was finally asleep, but shivering. Siwon smiled as he pulled the blanket over him.
He stood up and turned off the dim lamp. He started to leave but heard rustling and realized that Heechul was shivering, or fussing, or something of the sort. He sat back next to him and after a few seconds the rustling stopped.
Siwon 'tsk'd and lay down under the covers. He couldn't bring himself to leave the sad Heechul all alone where he was freezing at night. He turned to face his smaller hyung and gave in to his urge to wrap his arms around him. Soo they were both asleep, Heechul with no idea and Siwon guiltily pleased.
Heechul woke up and it was dark, he was warm, and there was something on him. It startled him and he squirmed, trying to figure out what it was and get away. Suddenly he was squeezed harder and he couldn't move-- making him realize that it was a pair of arms around him. He squirmed some more until he was able to see, when blankets were removed from his head, that it was Siwon.
"Siwon? What--uh..."
"Sorry...I'm worried about you...and you said you were cold."
"Oh. Um. Yeah, I was. It's okay...you just startled me is all..." Heechul sighed. "I don't want to get up...I don't feel good..." he groaned.
"You don't have to get up, it's our day off, remember?"
"Oh. I forgot," Heechul tried to say, but barely any sound came out.
"You need some tea! Let me get--!"
Heechul grabbed Siwon's shirt. "Ah..no...it's freezing..."
"You're cold? But you're burning up! I'm going to go get a thermometer, I'll be right back, I promise." He left, and just as he said, he was back with a thermometer, plus fever reducer and hot tea. How he came up with it all so fast Heechul had no idea, but he did.
He shivered, blinked and before he knew it there was a glass stick in his mouth. He waited in agonizingly cold heat until the stick was removed and he heard a "105.6! Here, take this," and the pills were handed to him with the tea and he swallowed them.
He was so grateful for the warmth when Siwon lay back down that he moved over to him. Siwon wrapped the blankets tightly around them and hugged the heat-stricken man to ease his way back to sleep.
Heechul opened his eyes to Siwon's neck and was unable to move. He yawned, about to go back to sleep, when he felt a hand on his forehead.
"Feels like your fever's gone down, let's check your temperature again," Siwon said as he reached back to the nightstand for the thermometer. He stuck it in Heechul's reluctant mouth and waited for the reading. "101.4, that means it's gone down. That's good! Are you feeling better?"
Heechul nodded, and Siwon smiled and rolled onto his back, awkwardly releasing the older man. Siwon yawned and stretched. He stared at the ceiling for a moment, then glanced over to Heechul, who was hunched over and staring at the blank sheets. "Heechul? What's the matter?" he got up and sat beside him.
"Nothing...I'm fine."
"Heechul! Tell me!" Siwon pleaded.
"I...I'm a hindrance to you guys, aren't I? I can't do anything special but grow my hair out to my waist, what--"
"Heechul Kim, what in the HELL would make you say that?"
"I--"
"NO! I don't want to hear it! You're too valuable to this group, you're too valuable to ME!..uh...wait..." Siwon's face turned bright red and Heechul's turned redder.
"You...you..."
Siwon took Heechul's hand and pulled him into a gentle kiss, leaving the long-haired man stunned. Heechul's eyes narrowed in confusion.
"I like you," Siwon confessed, a small, hopeful smile on his face.
Heechul blinked. "Are...are you serious?"
"I don't like to lie," Siwon replied as his smile grew. Heechul stared uneasily back. Siwon wrapped his arms around the small torso and pulled Heechul closer. Heechul took a deep breath, almost a wince.
"Ah! Did I hurt you?"
Heechul shook his head. "No, I'm just...I think you deserve better."
Siwon held Heechul tighter. "Do NOT say that! I want YOU! Heechul!"
Heechul bit his lip and relaxed into the warmth behind him. Siwon rested his head on Heechul's shoulder, rubbing his back to calm him down.
"Siwon?"
"Hm?"
"I...I'm sorry if I ever get snippy or defensive or snobby or rude...But...I feel like...that's the only way I can ever protect anyone, I can't fight physically, look at me. I'm your hyung, I should be trying to make you feel better..."
"Heechul...I believe you do enough for everyone with your effort and your compassion for us all. And...if you want me to be happy then you should let me help you feel better!" Siwon reasoned.
Heechul hesitated, then sighed in defeat. "Then..um, can we lay back down? My stomach still hurts..."
"Of course we can," Siwon told him happily, and they did. "Do you want some medicine?"
Heechul shook his head, instead taking Siwon's hand and resting it on his aching stomach. He sighed and closed his eyes. Siwon moved closer to him and rubbed the smaller idol's stomach, making Heechul fall asleep faster.
Heechul woke up again (A/N: He seems to wake up a lot, doesn't he?), but was woken up by a voice. He opened his eyes barely to see Siwon's back. He was on the phone.
"...No...No! Kangin, I'm not getting back together with you," he whispered. "No. You can find someone else to take advantage of. Bye."
Heechul closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep when Siwon shut the phone, cutting Kangin's voice off. When he felt Siwon next to him again, Heechul rolled to face him. "Who was that?"
"Kangin...He wants to get back together but it's over between us."
Heechul remained silent. Siwon raised up so he was on his side and leaning on his palm. He lifted Heechul's chin to bring their eyes to meet, making Heechul's stomach flip and his heart race. He froze.
"I know this all has been coming onto you extremely fast, but I want you to know that I love you-- and don't let anyone tell you otherwise," he leaned down and placed his lips once again on Heechul's. The smaller man closed his eyes and gripped Siwon's shirt for hypothetical support (for there was nowhere to fall), his hands trembling. He'd kissed almost every member in Super Junior, but those were all fake, staged, and relatively emotionless.
This one made him weak, made him quiver and give into the genuine affection that was in it. He'd never experienced this before, but he liked it and he felt safe in the arms he was embraced in. Siwon wrapped his arms around Heechul's waist and broke the kiss.
"You're cute," he smiled, running his thumb along the blushing cheek of the object of his adoration. Heechul's heart fluttered and he took a deep breath as he raised a hand and hesitated near Siwon's face. He dropped it.
"S-Sorry..."
Siwon's eyebrows did something strange and he took hold of Heechul's right hand and brought it back to his face. He pressed against Heechul's small palm and raised his brows. "Your hands are soft..." he whispered. But, really, they were more than that. They were warm, they were innocent, they had no malicious intent. He held it tight. Heechul moved his fingers to stroke the defined jawline and instantly wished he could be talk and strong like Siwon. He removed his hand and self-consciously felt his own jawline that was curved and slender. Siwon noticed Heechul's crestfall.
"Don't get down, you don't have anything to be ashamed of."
Heechul lay his head on his pillow. Siwon poked his cheek and he blinked.
"You're different," the shorter said to the taller.
"How do you mean?" the horse asked.
Heechul unknowingly put his fingers to his lips, as if to draw from them the words he needed to describe what he meant. Siwon seemed to understand. He took that hand, slid it over his own shoulder, and once again pulled Heechul closer by the waist.
Heechul felt what must've been butterflies flitting in his stomach and static adrenaline coursing through his veins. The anticipation met its end as Heechul's lips met Siwon's for the third time. Siwon sat them both up and turned so Heechul's back was against the wall.
Something in Heechul's brain went off, deeming this situation uncomfortable. He tried pulling back but his head was already pressed against the wall. He panicked, and instinctively kicked Siwon off of him, jumped off the bed and scrambled out the door.
He stumbled and fell into somebody. He looked up. "Donghae..." he sniffed as the younger man pulled him to his feet.
"Hyung, are you alright?"
Heechul shook his head and Donghae put his arms around him. They went into Donghae's dorm and sat on the couch together. "What happened?"
"I think I did something wrong..."
"What do you mean?"
"I kicked him...I pushed him away..." Heechul looked at Donghae, horrified.
"Okay, okay, tell me what exactly happened."
"We were...um...I was against the wall--"
"Heechul, I--" Siwon pushed the door open. Seeing Heechul in Donghae's arms, he turned back down the hallway. Heechul rolled off the couch and hurried after him.
"Ah! Uh-- Siwon!" He caught his wrist and the taller man spun to face him. "I'm sorry! I..I didn't... I'm sorry I pushed you way, I just panicked...I felt bad and I ran into Donghae," he explained desperately.
"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put you in such a situation...can you forgive me?"
Heechul smiled and threw his arms around Siwon, who picked him up. Heechul yelped but was cut off by Siwon's lips.
Donghae laughed; Heechul hadn't had a chance to close his mouth, and was frantically pawing at Siwon's face. Siwon pulled back, mischievously sticking his tongue out.
"You two go play make-out, I'm gonna go bother Hyukjae."
The next day, Heechul had an appearance on a talk show. It started off nice and normal. In the second half of the segment, though, they brought up a replay of the performance two days ago.
At first they seemed concerned for Heechul and his throat condition but then turned to ridicule and running the clip over and over. He was greatly ashamed and became more so as it went on. But he was Kim Heechul, and Kim Heechul didn't cry, couldn't cry. From here on, it was as if the whole world was fixed on teasing and taunting him, the fans in the audience, the workers on his way out of the studio, the milling people on the streets.
He got back to his dorm with a furious headache and collapsed in his armchair, his eyes closed, just to breathe.
He was jolted awake when two large hands grabbed his shoulders and yanked him up. His leg caught on the chair and he could feel the rods in his legs being jerked. He clenched his teeth and twisted to see who had him.
"Ka--agh-- Kangin? What--"
"SHUT UP!"
Kangin took hold of Heechul's thin right arm and easily snapped it backwards.
Heechul howled in pain. Kangin dragged him to the bathroom and kicked him into the shower, turning it on as hot as it went. Heechul screamed as the scalding water drenched him and soon engulfed him, almost too high to breathe, as he choked on it, burning his insides.
He felt like he was going to die. But he was Kim Heechul, he didn't cry, couldn't cry.
He faintly heard a slam, a crash, and a sound of something hitting the floor. Suddenly he was jerked up from and out of the bathtub and lifted into a pair of long arms. Heechul threw his head back and everything went black.
He woke up, covered in bandages, two casts, and ice, to bright lights and eleven of his bandmates standing around him. Kangin was not among them.
"Heechul! Are you okay?!"
After a few minutes Heechul thought he saw Siwon ask them something, followed by the other members leaving.
"Are you okay?" Siwon asked. Heechul moved his eyes to his arm and leg.
"I'm not going to die, so I--"
"No. I mean, are you okay?"
Heechul smiled weakly. "I'm not crying, I'm fine."
Siwon blinked. "If you want to...you can," he said softly, locking eyes with Heechul.
"There must be something really wrong with me, person-wise."
"I don't think so," Siwon responded.
"That's because you're blind... you somehow look past all my mistakes..."
Siwon got onto the bed and gently wrapped his arms around Heechul. He leaned closer, and a beeping sound somewhere in the room sped up a bit.
"Promise me you'll unbottle it all. Don't lock it up forever, 'kay?" Siwon gently set his lips to Heechul's, and the beeping sped up to double time. As Siwon pulled back, he saw the tear tracks down Heechul's cheeks. He pressed his lips back harder this time. Heechul limply declined.
"No...I can't--" he whispered.
"You can't what?"
"I can't feel it," Heechul breathed. "I can't feel anything."
Siwon's eyes widened and he frantically yelled for the doctor.
The doctor came running in, followed by the ten idols. He asked what was going on.
"Something's wrong, he can't feel anything, he--" Siwon's breath hitched and Heechul squeezed his eyes shut tight; He knew Siwon was clutching his hand but he couldn't adequately register or return it.
The doctor brought them back from space. "It looks like his nerves were destroyed by the hot water that came in contact with his skin and his insides. If his body is able to heal or create new nerves he should be okay."
"What if it can't?" Siwon asked.
"If his body isn't able, his heart will most likely slow down...and I assume you can infer what happens after that. All we can do is wait." The doctor shrugged and left.
Siwon forced a smile. "Well, you've got at least a fifty-fifty chance, right?"
As if Heechul had been told something in the world behind his eyelids, he opened his eyes and looked up at Siwon with a false expression of hope. He nodded.
Days, weeks, and soon a month dragged on. Kangin had been suspended. Siwon was with Heechul almost constantly. Heechul was wasting away. Due to the deadness of all feeling in his throat, stomach, and lungs, he was being fed through a tube and kept the rest of the way alive on a respirator.
After a month and a half, both were breaking down mentally. It killed Siwon to see his lover so lifeless, unable to even smile anymore. Heechul had the ever-present longing to just feel, to sense the warmth of another body, to return a kiss from the one person who'd looked through his shell of fame and saw the reall him inside.
They meant the world to each other.
Siwon sat on the edge of Heechul's bed.
Heechul had somehow learned to convey what he wanted to say to Siwon through moving his eyes, and Siwon understood.
But at this point in time Siwon almost did not want to understand.
Pull the plug. I'm wasting space.
"Heechul..I can't...you...I..."
Do it. I'm holding you back. You're the one I want to do this. Don't let them do it on their own terms... Heechul was pleading with his eyes. He wanted Siwon to be the last thing he saw.
"Alright...Now...?" Siwon's voice cracked.
Heechul had no knowledge of the lump forming in his throat or the teardrops glistening in trails down his face as he blinked.
Yes...Now.
Siwon bet his lip and took his bony hand in his. He looked to the machine. He put his thumb on the switch.
He squeezed the hand and shakily slid his right thumb down the cold metal with a click.
Heechul gasped for air and his eyes held one final message.
Hold me...I love you.
Siwon pulled Heechul up and pressed their lips together desperately for the last time. He pulled back and cradled the harshly breathing man in his arms and buried his face in the soft hair, held onto the thin, forever-innocent hand.
The beeping in the room slowed as Heechul's gasps got more violent and more frequent but subsided to almost nonexistence.
"I love you, don't ever forget it or let anyone tell you differently. I love you," he whispered, the last bit inaudible, as there was a now-constant screech, shrieking to him that the man he loved with every inch of his being was gone.
He sobbed, at first silently, then bursting out into howls of mourning. He held the corpse as tight as he could, his eyes shut just as tight. He was shaking, crying, and screaming as it took the ten idols, seven doctors, and four security guards to pry the anguish-stricken man from the dead body of Heechul, the lost-forever member of Super Junior.
Siwon had been crying literally nonstop the three days leading up to the funeral, and keeping himself together was out-of-the-question impossible.
Stepping up to the casket, he dropped to his knees, panicking and hyperventilating.
Damn it, what am I going to do without you? There's nothing...I'll never stop thinking about you, never stop loving you...!
Siwon was dragged away and hugged by every present member of Super Junior, Henry and Zhou Mi included. He threw them all off and rand as fast as he could, as far and to any place his feet would take him.
He collapsed forward, out of breath, and looked around him.
He screamed.
He reached for two sticks and some dry leaves and began rubbing the sticks together frantically. He got a spark and the leaves caught on fire.
Soon, Siwon lay on the ground burning. He wanted to make up for the way Heechul died by countering a death of no feeling of anything with one full of pain.
He closed his eyes and counted down the seconds until he could be with his lover again, eternally.
The few remains of Siwon's body were found shortly after, and were buried in the plot next to Heechul's Super Junior was down to ten members: One lost as punishment for a jealous rage; one lost as an innocent victim and as a devoted lover; and one lost as a self-sacrifice to return love with the same burning intensity.
The group will never be the same, and always will remember that love is as strong as it is blind, to all faults and flaws.
END.