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A classic for us all tonight. I say "classic" in the loosest sense of the word. This Sue and her fic date way back to 2002 and have since become rather notorious in the fandom, but haven't yet had a marysues write-up. As I've been sporking the fic, I might as well remedy that situation.
Story Or Series Title: Hogwarts Exposed (NSFW)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Culprit Author's Name: Neil
Full Name (plus titles if any): Jamie Zacherley
Full Species(es): Human (witch)
Hair Color (include adjectives): Undescribed, presumably brown (see below)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Likewise.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Looks like a younger Hermione. Except for having 56EEEEE breasts, which isn't even a real size, despite being fifteen. Apparently she knows her bra size even though she's a second-generation nudist who's never worn one in her life, and I'm not sure the author knows how they work because she's never described as having the kind of build 56 would imply.
Special Possessions (if any): An entourage of lesser OCs, including at least one other Sue. The undying love of everyone who's not blatantly evil. No clothes, apart from her Hogwarts robes worn very grudgingly. ETA: A toy unicorn that chases away people's nightmares (possibly with Erasure's "Always" playing in the background...)
Annoying Origin: Her parents were due to be executed by Voldemort when he tried to kill Harry and the books began. By a remarkably contrived coincidence they were both nudists. Have you spotted the fic's overarching theme yet?
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Is in love with Harry, despite being fifteen years old and his student. Wants to be Hermione, and looks like she would if she Spellotaped a pair of watermelons to her upper torso. Described by the author as combining the best features of both characters, which is a guaranteed recipe for Sueage.
Annoying Special Abilities: Able to launch into spontaneous eloquent monologues at a moment's notice. Better than Harry at Quidditch. Top of every class, of course. ETA: Is a unicorn Animagus. How did I forget this?
Other Annoying Traits: Is never in any real danger because there's always a deus ex machina to save the day. Nobody else in the fic shuts up about how great she is.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: I've chosen a worksafe one that still demonstrates her at her worst.
Hermione clung to Harry. “Harry do something; she’s going to be killed.” (No such luck. What the author's done to Hermione is unforgivable.)
Harry looked at her helplessly. “There’s nothing I’m able to do, not from here. If only….”
Suddenly a Bludger hit Bancroft from behind so solidly that he was almost toppled from his broom. He struggled to maintain his balance, but his concentration on Jamie’s broom was broken. (Deus ex machina!)
Jamie had been fighting to regain control and suddenly she had it. Just a few meters away from the tower both the Snitch and Jamie went into a dive. As she hurtled toward the ground Jamie realized she was still in a dilemma. She had absolutely no room to maneuver. She obviously couldn’t break the dive by going forward because of the tower just meters away. Turning to her left or right was also out of the question because both those options involved some forward movement; more than her proximity to tower would allow. (This long, detailed internal monologue takes a fraction of a second. Fucking pacing, how does it work?)
Jamie had to do a backward flip, something she had never done before and didn’t even know if it was possible to do especially at this speed. (Of course it is. She's a Sue.) The wind billowed through the sleeves of her robes as she clung to her broom. She felt her long hair actually brush the ground as she struggled to regain an upright position. Just when she thought she would succeed, she lost her grip and went tumbling across the green pitch.
The crowd was all on their feet. Hermione held her hands to her face in horror. “Oh my God!”
Momentarily Jamie just laid there as the multitude looked on in dismay. Then she got to her knees and waved. “She’s okay! Caitlin yelled. (Caitlin, by the way, could have a marysues entry of her very own.)
Suddenly Jamie jumped to her feet and pulled her arm tightly to her side. Slowly and very carefully she reached her right arm into her left sleeve and pulled out the Snitch. (Of course.)
As Jamie waved the Snitch in the air, Jason Turner declared Gryffindor the winner.
Harry just looked at Hermione and shook his head in astonishment. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. She did a Plumpton Pass upside down coming out of that incredible dive. That’s inconceivable!” ("You keep using that word...")
Hermione smiled at Harry, “No that’s Jamie Zacherley.” (The prosecution rests.)
Story Or Series Title: Hogwarts Exposed (NSFW)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Culprit Author's Name: Neil
Full Name (plus titles if any): Jamie Zacherley
Full Species(es): Human (witch)
Hair Color (include adjectives): Undescribed, presumably brown (see below)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Likewise.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Looks like a younger Hermione. Except for having 56EEEEE breasts, which isn't even a real size, despite being fifteen. Apparently she knows her bra size even though she's a second-generation nudist who's never worn one in her life, and I'm not sure the author knows how they work because she's never described as having the kind of build 56 would imply.
Special Possessions (if any): An entourage of lesser OCs, including at least one other Sue. The undying love of everyone who's not blatantly evil. No clothes, apart from her Hogwarts robes worn very grudgingly. ETA: A toy unicorn that chases away people's nightmares (possibly with Erasure's "Always" playing in the background...)
Annoying Origin: Her parents were due to be executed by Voldemort when he tried to kill Harry and the books began. By a remarkably contrived coincidence they were both nudists. Have you spotted the fic's overarching theme yet?
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Is in love with Harry, despite being fifteen years old and his student. Wants to be Hermione, and looks like she would if she Spellotaped a pair of watermelons to her upper torso. Described by the author as combining the best features of both characters, which is a guaranteed recipe for Sueage.
Annoying Special Abilities: Able to launch into spontaneous eloquent monologues at a moment's notice. Better than Harry at Quidditch. Top of every class, of course. ETA: Is a unicorn Animagus. How did I forget this?
Other Annoying Traits: Is never in any real danger because there's always a deus ex machina to save the day. Nobody else in the fic shuts up about how great she is.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: I've chosen a worksafe one that still demonstrates her at her worst.
Hermione clung to Harry. “Harry do something; she’s going to be killed.” (No such luck. What the author's done to Hermione is unforgivable.)
Harry looked at her helplessly. “There’s nothing I’m able to do, not from here. If only….”
Suddenly a Bludger hit Bancroft from behind so solidly that he was almost toppled from his broom. He struggled to maintain his balance, but his concentration on Jamie’s broom was broken. (Deus ex machina!)
Jamie had been fighting to regain control and suddenly she had it. Just a few meters away from the tower both the Snitch and Jamie went into a dive. As she hurtled toward the ground Jamie realized she was still in a dilemma. She had absolutely no room to maneuver. She obviously couldn’t break the dive by going forward because of the tower just meters away. Turning to her left or right was also out of the question because both those options involved some forward movement; more than her proximity to tower would allow. (This long, detailed internal monologue takes a fraction of a second. Fucking pacing, how does it work?)
Jamie had to do a backward flip, something she had never done before and didn’t even know if it was possible to do especially at this speed. (Of course it is. She's a Sue.) The wind billowed through the sleeves of her robes as she clung to her broom. She felt her long hair actually brush the ground as she struggled to regain an upright position. Just when she thought she would succeed, she lost her grip and went tumbling across the green pitch.
The crowd was all on their feet. Hermione held her hands to her face in horror. “Oh my God!”
Momentarily Jamie just laid there as the multitude looked on in dismay. Then she got to her knees and waved. “She’s okay! Caitlin yelled. (Caitlin, by the way, could have a marysues entry of her very own.)
Suddenly Jamie jumped to her feet and pulled her arm tightly to her side. Slowly and very carefully she reached her right arm into her left sleeve and pulled out the Snitch. (Of course.)
As Jamie waved the Snitch in the air, Jason Turner declared Gryffindor the winner.
Harry just looked at Hermione and shook his head in astonishment. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. She did a Plumpton Pass upside down coming out of that incredible dive. That’s inconceivable!” ("You keep using that word...")
Hermione smiled at Harry, “No that’s Jamie Zacherley.” (The prosecution rests.)